Nope! We're Not Monogamous

Have you ever found yourself holding feelings about a relationship… that technically isn’t even yours?Like your partner shares something about their other partner…and suddenly you f eel protective… or tense… or a little off around someone you didn’t have an issue with before?Yeah… that’s usually a communication triangle.In this episode, I’m breaking down how triangulation actually shows up in non-monogamy, why it’s so easy to fall into, and how it can quietly create tension and distortion in your relationships.We talk about the difference between venting and processing, the “emotional telephone” effect, and how to stop carrying emotional weight that was never yours to hold.And I share one of my favorite grounding practices for this: ✨ stay in your lane, stay in your truth ✨Because when communication gets cleaner, your relationships get lighter, clearer, and way more sustainable.💜 In this episode, we get into:• What communication triangles actually are (and how to spot them)• Why triangulation happens so easily in polyamory• How emotional “telephone” creates misunderstanding and tension• The difference between venting and processing (with real examples)• How we accidentally recruit partners into conflict• A simple practice to clean up your communication: stay in your lane, stay in your truth• How to stop carrying emotional dynamics that aren’t yoursSend us Fan MailSupport the show📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar LindsteinSTIM IPI: 572 393 237

What if the thing you thought made you “too much”… was actually the doorway to deeper connection, more honest relationships, and a whole lot more pleasure?In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, I’m joined by writer and poet Kate Heskett, whose story appears in the new anthology Pillow Talk, a collection of real, raw, awkward, and hilarious experiences of sex, intimacy, and desire.Kate shares what it was like to show up alone to their very first swingers hotel takeover, the anxiety, the curiosity, and the unexpected validation of finding people who see the world the way they do.We talk about what happens when monogamy never quite made sense, the messy transition into non-monogamy, and what it actually looks like to build “love-first” relationships without rigid rules.In This Episode, We Cover:→ What a swingers hotel takeover is really like (beyond the fantasy)→ The anxiety and courage of showing up alone to your first lifestyle event→ Kate’s story “Pineapples in the Snow” and what it represents → Growing up feeling “wrong” and trying to fit into monogamy → The transition from monogamy to non-monogamy (and why it can be messy)→ What “love-first” non-monogamy looks like in real life→ Navigating triad dynamics, distance, and communication → Compersion, voyeurism, and different turn-ons in open relationships→ Why real, honest stories about sex and relationships matterAbout Kate HeskettKate Heskett (they/them) is an award-winning poet, writer, and canoe guide based in Whistler, BC. Their work has been published in Pique and The Lupine Review, and they are a contributing author in the anthology Pillow Talk: Real People. Real Stories. Real Awkward.Their story, Pineapples in the Snow, shares their first experience at a swingers hotel takeover, exploring risk, desire, and the powerful validation of finding community.Pillow Talk: Real People. Real Stories. Real Awkward. is an anthology featuring 18 writers sharing frank, funny, and deeply human stories about intimacy, desire, and the moments we don’t usually talk about.From awkward encounters to moments of joy and self-discovery, this book helps normalize the full spectrum of human experience.👉 Grab the book + leave a review to help these stories reach more peopleSend us Fan MailFLOW Nitric Oxide BoosterFLOW brings blood where you want it to go — your brain, your heart, and your pleasure zones. Try your first bottle of FLOW FREE — just pay shipping. Experience the results yourself and cancel anytime. We’re confident FLOW will reignite your spark!  Support the show📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar LindsteinSTIM IPI: 572 393 237

What are metamour relationships supposed to look like in non-monogamy? Do you have to be instant best friends… or even chosen family… with your partner’s partner?In this episode, relationship coach Ellecia Paine explores the real emotional pacing of metamour connections. From the pressure to create “kitchen table polyamory” right away, to the importance of chemistry, play, and nervous system safety, this conversation offers grounded insight for anyone navigating polyamory, open relationships, or complex love dynamics.You’ll learn why authentic metamour relationships grow through shared experiences over time, not performance or obligation, and how to build connection in ways that feel sustainable for your real life.Whether you’re new to non-monogamy or deep in your journey, this episode will help you release unrealistic expectations and create more compassionate, conscious relationship dynamics. In this episode we explore:• What kitchen table polyamory really means (and common misconceptions)• Why expecting instant closeness with metamours can create pressure• How friendship chemistry and pacing impact polyamorous relationships• The role of play and shared experiences in building trust• How to allow metamour relationships to develop naturally• Emotional safety, authenticity, and sustainable connection in non-monogamySend us Fan MailSupport the show📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar LindsteinSTIM IPI: 572 393 237

New Relationship Energy, or NRE, is one of the most talked-about dynamics in non-monogamy, and one of the most misunderstood.In this episode, relationship coach Ellecia Paine breaks down what NRE actually is, what’s happening in your brain and body during those early stages of attraction, and why the dopamine-fueled excitement of a new connection can make people feel euphoric, obsessive, and sometimes a little reckless.You’ll learn:• The brain chemistry behind NRE• Why the intensity can last up to 18 months• Why people recommend avoiding big life decisions during NRE• How NRE can create anxiety for both partners and the person experiencing it• Why slowing down actually helps relationships grow strongerEllecia also explores why NRE shouldn’t be villainized, and how to enjoy the spark of a new connection without burning through it or destabilizing your existing relationships.Because NRE isn’t the problem.But awareness, pacing, and communication make all the difference.Send us Fan MailSupport the show📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar LindsteinSTIM IPI: 572 393 237

If you’ve been feeling resentful in your open relationship, this episode is for you.In Episode 147 of Nope, We’re Not Monogamous, I break down why resentment in non-monogamy is rarely about jealousy or bad communication.It’s usually about boundaries.Specifically:The boundary you didn’t setThe boundary you didn’t enforceOr the agreement your body never truly consented toSo many people in ethical non-monogamy confuse boundaries with rules, agreements, or ultimatums. When that happens, resentment builds quietly under the surface.In this episode, we explore the difference between:Personal boundaries and relationship agreementsBoundaries and ultimatumsAutonomy and self-abandonmentIf you’ve ever tried to be the “cool partner,” agreed to something you weren’t actually okay with, or said “I’m fine” when you weren’t… this conversation will help you see what resentment is really pointing to.Because resentment isn’t random.It’s information.And it might be telling you it’s time to stop bulldozing yourself in the name of being evolved. 💜In This Episode We Cover:Why resentment in polyamory often signals self-betrayalHow confusing agreements with boundaries creates conflictThe difference between boundaries and ultimatums in ENMWhy enforcement is about your participation, not controlThe master question to ask when evaluating compatibilityHow to rebuild self-trust after boundary collapseWant to Go Deeper?I created a Patreon-only ENM Boundary Reset to help you walk through:Where resentment is showing up in your bodyWhat you agreed to that your nervous system didn’tHow to identify your real boundaryAnd what protecting yourself actually looks likeIf you’re ready for implementation and integration, get it at www.patreon.com/notmonogamousSend us Fan MailFLOW Nitric Oxide BoosterFLOW brings blood where you want it to go — your brain, your heart, and your pleasure zones. Try your first bottle of FLOW FREE — just pay shipping. Experience the results yourself and cancel anytime. We’re confident FLOW will reignite your spark!  Support the show📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar LindsteinSTIM IPI: 572 393 237

Non-monogamy isn’t just more love. It’s more feelings, more conversations, and sometimes… a lot more processing.In this episode, I’m sitting down with Candace Sogren, lawyer, former CEO, emotional intelligence facilitator, mom, and author of Poly Agony. She’s been ethically non-monogamous for over 20 years, raising a child in community, building non-traditional family structures, and living this life fully out loud.And we’re not talking about the cute, Instagram version of polyamory.We’re talking about the mistakes. The broken agreements. The repair conversations. The parenting realities. And what it actually takes to make this sustainable.We get into:→ The most common mistakes couples make when opening→ Why repair matters more than perfection→ Raising kids in open relationships without shame→ Transparency vs. disclosure (especially with children)→ Introducing partners in healthy, grounded ways→ The emotional labor of loving more than one personCandace also shares a powerful story about advocating for non-traditional families after being denied custody of children because of her polyamorous identity.This episode is for you if you’re opening a relationship, parenting while poly, or just trying to build something that actually fits your heart.Send us Fan MailFLOW Nitric Oxide BoosterFLOW brings blood where you want it to go — your brain, your heart, and your pleasure zones. Try your first bottle of FLOW FREE — just pay shipping. Experience the results yourself and cancel anytime. We’re confident FLOW will reignite your spark!  Support the show📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar LindsteinSTIM IPI: 572 393 237

Struggling to tell the difference between needs vs wants in non-monogamy?If you’ve learned to be “low maintenance” and tolerate a lot, you might be minimizing your emotional needs without realizing it.In this episode, we explore how trauma, people-pleasing, and polyamory culture can teach us to need less, and why you’re allowed to want more.There’s no prize for needing less.You’re not needy. You’re human. What You’ll Learn• Why “needs vs wants” is the wrong question to ask• How childhood conditioning and trauma affect your ability to ask for more• The hidden cost of calling yourself “low maintenance”• How this shows up specifically in non-monogamy and polyamory• Better questions to ask your nervous system instead• How to stop disappearing in your relationships• Why your desires deserve space tooSend us Fan MailSupport the show📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar LindsteinSTIM IPI: 572 393 237

Opening a relationship can feel empowering… and activating.A lot of people expect ethical non-monogamy or polyamory to feel freeing right away. Instead, it often brings up jealousy, comparison, attachment wounds, and questions about self-worth.If you’ve ever thought: “Why am I confident everywhere else but spiraling in my relationship?” “Why does non-monogamy trigger my insecurities?” “How do I feel secure and desirable while practicing ENM?”This episode is for you.Relationship coach Ellecia Paine talks with clinical sexologist and therapist Dr. Joy Berkheimer about confidence, desire, body image, attachment, and emotional regulation in ethical non-monogamy.Together they explore how ENM can become a path toward deeper self-trust, sexual empowerment, and real self-love.This conversation blends therapy, lived experience, and practical wisdom for women navigating open relationships, polyamory, and personal growth.🔥 In this episode, you’ll learn:• How Dr. Joy discovered non-monogamy through swinging and polyamory • Why swingers spaces can be surprisingly consent-focused and body-positive • How jealousy and comparison show up in ENM (and what they’re actually pointing to) • The role of attachment styles and early relationship experiences • How to explore desire without shame • Why community and support groups matter in non-monogamy • What triads/throuples teach us about boundaries and emotional needs • How self-love and sexual confidence impact relationship security • What a “glow-up” really means in relationships and personal growth • Practical ways to build confidence while practicing ethical non-monogamy👤 About Dr. Joy BerkheimerDr. Joy Berkheimer is a clinical sexologist, licensed therapist, and relationship coach who helps women reconnect with desire, confidence, and embodied self-trust.Instagram: @glowyourgoddessYouTube: Dear Dr. JoyWebsite: joyberkheimer.comSend us Fan MailFLOW Nitric Oxide BoosterFLOW brings blood where you want it to go — your brain, your heart, and your pleasure zones. Try your first bottle of FLOW FREE — just pay shipping. Experience the results yourself and cancel anytime. We’re confident FLOW will reignite your spark!  Support the show📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar LindsteinSTIM IPI: 572 393 237

What if non-monogamy wasn’t something you planned… but something you found your way into?In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, I’m joined by Natalie Davis, editor of Polyamory Today and author of the memoir Saying Yes: My Adventures in Non-monogamy.Natalie shares her deeply human journey from a traditional, long-term monogamous marriage through infidelity, swinging, and polyamory, and how that path eventually led to building a chosen family that includes her partner and her metamour, all living together under one roof.This conversation is honest, nuanced, and especially validating if you didn’t start non-monogamy feeling confident, enlightened, or “built for this.”We talk about how safety is created over time, why early rules aren’t a failure, and what actually helps relationships evolve without burning everything down.In This Episode, We Explore:How Natalie moved from monogamy to swinging to polyamoryWhy boundaries and rules at the beginning of non-monogamy are about nervous system safetyLetting go of control as trust and security growWhat it really takes to live with a metamour (and why compatibility matters beyond love)Navigating age-gap relationships with intention and consentHow infidelity can become a turning point rather than the end of a relationshipWhy non-monogamy isn’t about having less commitment, but more honestyHow chosen family can expand your life in unexpected waysWhere to Find NatalieWebsite: https://nataliedavisadventures.com/Threads: https://www.threads.com/@nataliedavisadventuresBook: Saying Yes: My Adventures in Non-monogamy (available wherever books are sold)Send us Fan MailFLOW Nitric Oxide BoosterFLOW brings blood where you want it to go — your brain, your heart, and your pleasure zones. Try your first bottle of FLOW FREE — just pay shipping. Experience the results yourself and cancel anytime. We’re confident FLOW will reignite your spark!  Support the show📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar LindsteinSTIM IPI: 572 393 237

Jealousy isn’t a flaw. It’s not a failure.And it’s almost never about your partner.In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, Ellecia unpacks a powerful realization sparked by reading Financial Feminist:the way we experience jealousy is strikingly similar to the way we experience money shame.Both are rooted in scarcity.Both are tied to safety, worth, and fear of loss.And both get way more painful when we shame ourselves for feeling them.In this episode, you’ll learn:Why jealousy is often rooted in shame, not insecurity or immaturityHow scarcity brain shows up in relationships, especially non-monogamous onesWhy non-monogamy doesn’t create jealousy, it reveals where safety was never taughtThe difference between trying to “fix” jealousy and actually listening to itHow to stop abandoning yourself when jealousy hitsA gentle somatic practice to bring your nervous system back online in the momentEllecia also shares why she’s been diving deeper into financial education, and how living outside the box, in relationships, careers, and family structures, requires us to build security intentionally instead of relying on default scripts.If you’ve ever thought, “Why am I like this?” when jealousy shows up, this episode offers a compassionate reframe that might change everything.Send us Fan MailSupport the show📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar LindsteinSTIM IPI: 572 393 237