Self-Led in Bed: An IFS and Sexuality Podcast

“So instead of talking about the dishes, who didn't take the trash out and how the other person's mad, we talk about sexuality. So just openly talk about what happens when you get in bed, and then we start tracking the protectors. We have protective parts and we have exiles. So, just like with any topic in couples, sexuality involves our protectors and our exiles.” - Nancy WonderDisclaimer: This episode explores sensitive topics related to sexuality. Listener discretion is advised.Talking about sex in a Self-Led way can be darn difficult, whether that is with partners, clients, or  professional helpers.. Today’s guest is an expert on courageous sexual communication. She has helped sex offenders, sexual abuse survivors, folks with compulsive sexual behaviors, as well couples facing the everyday challenges of life to have brave and healing conversations. Patty welcomes Nancy Wonder, a seasoned IFS and Intimacy from the Inside Out (IFIO) therapist and trainer, to discuss helping therapists and couples to communicate courageously about sexuality. Nancy shares her journey from working with sexual offenders to specializing in couples' sexual health, and how IFS transformed her approach. They delve into the challenges couples face in discussing sex, the impact of trauma, and the importance of self-energy in healing and rebuilding intimacy. In this episode, you'll discover Nancy's path from working with sexual offenders to becoming an expert in couples' sexuality, the role of trauma in sexual compulsivity and how IFS addresses it, how to help couples navigate the shame and betrayal associated with sexual acting out, the importance of Self-energy in witnessing and repairing relationship wounds, practical strategies for rebuilding sexual intimacy after betrayal, including internal consent and gradual reconnection, why emotional repair doesn't automatically translate to sexual connection, and the need for explicit attention to sexual health in couples therapy. About Nancy:Nancy Wonder, PhD (she/her) is a licensed psychologist in Tallahassee, Florida where she conducts individual and couple therapy. Nancy serves as a Senior trainer for Intimacy From the Inside Out and is a past Co-Lead trainer for the IFS Institute. Nancy has been involved in over 20 trainings involving IFS or IFIO and has presented at the annual IFS conference on various topics, especially on IFS and IFIO applied to sexual issues in treatment. She contributed a chapter to Internal Family Systems Therapy: New Dimensions, entitled “Treating Pornography Addiction with IFS” and Internal Family Systems Therapy: Supervision and Consultation, entitled “Making the Unconscious Conscious in IFS Consultation of Sexual Abuse, Sexual Offending, and Sexual Compulsivity.”Connect with Nancy: nancywonder.comFollow Patricia on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/patriciarichconsulting/Join the Self-Led Sexuality Free Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/selfleds3xualitywithpatriciarichSign up for Patricia’s email list and get the free The Six S's of Sexual Self-Energy Infographic.

”Either there's a part who is doing some shaming, either internally or externally, or there's a part who is feeling shameful. And those are two different positions to be in.” Martha SweezeyContent Advisory: This episode explores sensitive topics related to sexuality including sexual abuse.  Listener discretion is advised.It’s hard to feel Self-Led in Bed when we are flooded with shame and guilt. Yet these feelings are so common in the realm of sexuality where our most vulnerable needs and desires are exposed to inner and outer judgment. In today’s episode I had the privilege of speaking with Martha Sweezey, an esteemed IFS therapist, teacher, supervisor, and author. Her recent book Internal Family Systems Therapy for Shame and Guilt is profoundly insightful regarding what Richard Schwartz refers to as “the most primal, terrifying, toxic and motivating of all burdens” Martha discusses her journey into the mental health field and her focus on shame and guilt, particularly in the context of sexuality. She explains the difference between parts that do shaming and parts that feel shameful, which she views as a global assessment of self-worth. She differentiates these from guilt which pertains to specific behaviors and can be adaptive or maladaptive.She highlights how parts with roles related to shame and guilt can form complex emotional dynamics, but that understanding common patterns can open access to these parts, and when we can “get in the middle” from a place of caring and compassion we can help them to not feel alone and to sort out the dilemmas. The conversation also explores the intergenerational transmission of shame and the impact of cultural and social factors. About Martha:Martha Sweezy is an assistant professor part-time in psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, a research and training consultant at the Center for Mindfulness and Compassion at the Cambridge Health Alliance, and a psychotherapist in private practice. She teaches Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy nationally and internationally and has authored, co-authored, and co-edited seven books on various applications of IFS.Connect with Martha:Website: https://marthasweezy.comFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100094054958897LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/feed/Follow Patricia on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/patriciarichconsulting/Join the Self-Led Sexuality Free Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/selfleds3xualitywithpatriciarichSign up for Patricia’s email list and get the free The Six S's of Sexual Self-Energy Infographic.Disclaimer: All opinions and views expressed by Patricia Rich through the Self-Led in Bed Podcast and YouTube Channel are her own, as are the opinions and views expressed by guests. Patricia may or may not agree with the opinions and views expressed by guests and information provided on the podcast is not guaranteed to be factually accurate. The content provided is for educational, informational, and entertainment purposes only. Nothing in this content should be construed or assumed to constitute personal or professional consultation, supervision, advice, clinical instruction, clinical assessment, guidance, treatment, therapy, training, diagnosis, or to replace medical or mental health treatment. Nothing in this content creates a therapist-client relationship. Always seek the advice of a medical or mental health provider regarding any questions or concerns you have about your medical and/or mental health needs. If you need immediate help, contact your provider and/or call 911. Patricia Rich is always learning and her opinions are formed with the information she has at the time, and may change as she learns more. Topics discussed pertain to psychological states and to sexuality and may provoke uncomfortable feelings for some listeners. Please use your own discretion when listening to this podcast or sharing it with others.

“Being Self-led means our parts give just enough room that [there is] enough room for me, enough room for you. So often times when I ask my parts to give me a little space, I say, Can you give me just enough space so I'm here too?” - Seth KopaldContent Advisory: This episode explores sensitive topics related to sexuality.  Listener discretion is advised.What does it really mean to be Self-Led? And how can we tell if we are Self-Led, in bed or anywhere? In this episode Patricia is joined by Seth Kopald, Certified IFS Practitioner and author of the book, “Self-Led.” They flesh this concept out together and explore some common burdens that may prevent us from accessing this clear and centered place that we all have within and which can guide us in our sexual lives. Seth shares some key life experiences that have fueled his passion for this work, as well as some tips for parents and  intimate partners who would like to feel more close, calm and courageous.They explore the difference between "in Self" (a deep meditative state) and "Self-led" (navigating daily interactions guided by Self-energy). In this episode, you'll discover Seth's personal journey with IFS and his focus on helping parents heal relationships, practical ways to access Self-energy in challenging moments such as noticing bodily sensations and shifting attention from the head to the heart, how to recognize when parts are blended and how to create space for Self-energy, the importance of understanding the other person's experience in intimate relationships, how speaking for parts, rather than from them, can prevent conflict escalation and facilitate repair, and the concept of a continuum between being fully in Self and fully blended with a part, rather than a binary. Key insights shared include that Self-led living involves creating space for all parts, accessing Self-energy often involves shifting attention from the head to the heart, speaking for parts allows for clearer communication and prevents defensive reactions, repairing relationships involves owning mistakes and creating a safe space for vulnerability, and Self-led relationships are not about perfection, but about navigating challenges with awareness and compassion. About Seth:Seth Kopald is a Certified, level 3, Internal Family Systems (IFS) Practitioner. He holds a PhD in Organization Management with a Specialization in Leadership and a Masters in Education. Seth is an experienced IFS training Program Assistant for Levels 1, 2, and 3. He has also been on Dick Schwartz’s staff for multiple retreats and Seth facilitates his own retreats and workshops. Seth is the author of the book Self-Led and his specialties include Self-led Parenting, Leadership, Parts Art, Spirituality, and creating spaces where people's parts feel safe and understood.Connect with Seth:Website: sethkopald.comInstagram: @selfled_by_sethFacebook: @seth.kopald.ifsFollow Patricia on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/patriciarichconsulting/Join the Self-Led Sexuality Free Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/selfleds3xualitywithpatriciarichSign up for Patricia’s email list and get the free The Six S's of Sexual Self-Energy Infographic.

“What happens in OCD systems, most of the time is that managers recruit firefighters. They're going to escalate the alarm until the firefighter fixes the potential of something or remediates what happened.”Disclaimer: This episode explores sensitive topics related to OCD and sexuality. Listener discretion is advised.This episode explores the intersection of OCD and sexuality through an IFS lens, examining how obsessive-compulsive tendencies can impact sexual intimacy and relationships. Guest Melissa Mose, a Certified IFS Therapist and OCD Specialist, discusses her approach to treating these conditions with an integrative approach. She shares her personal journey as a parent of a child with OCD and elaborates on the complexities of OCD, including its various forms like contamination, harm, and sexual orientation OCD. Mose emphasizes the importance of addressing both the obsessive and compulsive parts without reinforcing their patterns. She also touches upon the neurobiological and trauma aspects of OCD, while highlighting the significant impact OCD can have on relationships and intimacy. Mose concludes discusses her ongoing projects aimed at supporting those with OCD.Connect with Melissa:Website: https://www.melissamosemft.com/Follow Patricia on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/patriciarichconsulting/Join the Self-Led Sexuality Free Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/selfleds3xualitywithpatriciarichSign up for Patricia’s email list and get the free The Six S's of Sexual Self-Energy Infographic.

“I think connecting with your work really showed me and helped me to intuit and start to feel into [the truth] that actually pleasure is naturally here…it arises spontaneously many times when parts trust enough and are willing to allow enough space for Self Energy to embody. And that was a big shift for me.”Content Advisory: This episode explores sensitive topics related to sexual trauma and pleasure. Listener discretion is advised.Feeling Self-Led in Bed can be  particularly challenging for folks who have experienced sexual abuse or other forms of complex trauma. In today’s episode I talk with Sarah Siegel, an  IFS Practitioner, Coach, Interfaith Minister, and a valued assistant to me in the BeHold and Lead your Internal Sexual System (BLISS)™ program. Sarah has been on a profound  healing journey from severe childhood sexual abuse, opioid addiction, and chronic illness and has transformed her relationships, inside and out. I am so grateful that she was willing to share her compassionate wisdom with us. We don’t all start from the same place when it comes to sexual Self-leadership. It’s hard enough to navigate the complexities of today’s sexual landscape without complex trauma. Bringing the burdens and wounds of sexual abuse, often transmitted intergenerationally, certainly adds major challenges. I am so inspired by Sarah’s courageous journey, supported by her Buddhist practice, IFS, and other modalities along the way.About Sarah Siegel:Sarah Siegel is a Level 2 trained IFS Coach who loves supporting people who have survived severe complex trauma to build lives that are healthy, whole and full of pleasure. She is additionally an Ordained Interfaith Minister, Certified Holistic Coach and drug and alcohol counselor. Sarah has a private coaching practice in Portland, Maine and is also a longtime Buddhist practitioner, and mother of three. Sarah brings great compassion, nonjudgmental presence and wisdom born from her own healing journey from complex trauma due to childhood sexual abuse, severe opioid addiction, and chronic illness. She believes that we all have an unharmed and unharmable core essence, which contains great wisdom and knows how to heal and all of her work centers on this belief.Connect with Sarah:Website - https://www.wakingwisdomwithin.com/⁠Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/waking_wisdom_withinFollow Patricia on IG: https://www.instagram.com/patriciarichconsulting/Join the Self-Led Sexuality Free Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/selfleds3xualitywithpatriciarichSign up for Patricia’s email list and get the free The Six S's of Sexual Self-Energy Infographic.Disclaimer: All opinions and views expressed by Patricia Rich through the Self-Led in Bed Podcast and YouTube Channel are her own, as are the opinions and views expressed by guests. Patricia may or may not agree with the opinions and views expressed by guests and information provided on the podcast is not guaranteed to be factually accurate. The content provided is for educational, informational, and entertainment purposes only. Nothing in this content should be construed or assumed to constitute personal or professional consultation, supervision, advice, clinical instruction, clinical assessment, guidance, treatment, therapy, training, diagnosis, or to replace medical or mental health treatment. Nothing in this content creates a therapist-client relationship. Always seek the advice of a medical or mental health provider regarding any questions or concerns you have about your medical and/or mental health needs. If you need immediate help, contact your provider and/or call 911. Patricia Rich is always learning and her opinions are formed with the information she has at the time, and may change as she learns more. Topics discussed pertain to psychological states and to sexuality and may provoke uncomfortable feelings for some listeners. Please use your own discretion when listening to this podcast or sharing it with others.

“ There can be really restrictive managers around food and exercise trying to control someone's body. But their firefighters might not be about food. Their firefighters actually might be around sex or spending or overworking…And when we can really work with these parts and understand the protective nature of what they're doing and really befriend them is when they can show us what they're protecting…what fascinates me is it's always complex.”Content Advisory: This episode explores sensitive topics related to body image, eating disorders, trauma and sexuality. Listener discretion is advised.It’s hard to feel Self-Led in Bed when we do not feel at home in our bodies, when we judge our bodies harshly and feel shameful about them. In this episode of Self-Led in Bed, I speak with Marcella Cox, a Certified IFS therapist who specializes in treating eating disorders, disordered eating, body shame, and trauma. Something I really appreciated talking with Marcella is  the depth of her kindness and compassion for the parts of ourselves that take on the job of keeping us out of our bodies. She invites embodiment throughout the episode, and brings in the role cultural influences like patriarchy and capitalism play in our relationship to body trust and connection.We explore the overlaps between eating and sexuality and consider the profound impact of slowing down and noticing what we really feel and want.Key Takeaways: Cultural messages and societal pressures significantly impact our relationship with our bodies and can lead to body shame, self-criticism, and disrupted embodiment. Internal protective parts, such as "managers" and "firefighters," play a crucial role in shaping our relationship with food, exercise, and sexuality. Cultivating self-compassion, honoring bodily sensations, and practicing mindfulness can help us reconnect with our bodies and cultivate more fulfilling sexual experiences. Embodiment is an ongoing process that requires ongoing attention, self-awareness, and a willingness to explore and challenge internalized beliefs and societal pressures.About Marcella Cox:Marcella Cox, LMFT, is a Certified IFS Therapist specializing in treating eating disorders, disordered eating, body shame, and trauma. Marcella recently contributed the chapter on IFS and Disordered Eating in Altogether Us: Integrating the IFS Model with Key Modalities, Communities, and Trends (Pivotal Press, 2023). She is also on the staff of Susan McConnell, developer of Somatic IFS, an approach that blends the IFS model of therapy with embodiment practices. As an Approved IFS Clinical Consultant, Marcella provides professional consultation and supervision. She also leads workshops, trainings and retreats. Her certifications as a Body Trust Provider, Daring Way Facilitator and Mindful Self-Compassion Teacher also inform her professional work.  Marcella is the founder of Kindful Body, a collaboration of experienced eating disorder professionals providing online therapy and nutrition counseling throughout California. She also co-founded the IFS Telehealth Collective with lead IFS trainers, Mariel Pastor, LMFT and Paul Ginter, Ed.D. The IFS Telehealth Collective is a multi-state mental health group practice dedicated to providing authentic, high-quality IFS Therapy online throughout California, New York, Massachusetts, Florida, Oregon and Michigan. To learn more, visit www.kindfulbody.com or www.ifstherapyonline.com.  Connect with Marcella:WebsiteFacebookInstagramhttps://www.ifstherapyonline.comhttps://www.ifstherapyonline.com/kindfulbodyFollow Patricia on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/patriciarichconsulting/Join the Self-Led Sexuality Free Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/selfleds3xualitywithpatriciarichSign up for Patricia’s email list and get the free The Six S's of Sexual Self-Energy Infographic.Check the SLB Disclaimer here

“Touch deprivation is a real thing...I think that there's some sensitivity when we're not receiving those hugs and that touch. Your skin is almost craving it."Content Advisory: This episode explores topics related to sexuality, trauma, racism, and societal oppression.In today’s conversation, Deran Young, a licensed therapist, co-author of "You Are Your Best Thing," and founder of Black Therapists Rock sheds light on collective legacy burdens and developmental needs, especially those that impact Black women’s sexuality. I especially appreciate Deran’s vulnerability in sharing her own life story and doing a piece of live IFS work with a self-reliant part and a part that craves more touch in her daily  life. Learn about how historical trauma, religious beliefs, military life and more can shape experiences with touch, intimacy, and sexual expression, and how to reclaim embodiment, trust, and intimacy with oneself and others..Key Takeaways:​- Collective legacy burdens, including systemic racism, sexism, and religious oppression, have a profound impact on experiences with sexuality.​- Shame, self-doubt, and lack of bodily autonomy impact sexual pleasure and intimacy.​- Early childhood experiences, particularly those related to touch and attachment, play a crucial role in shaping our relationships with intimacy and sexuality.​- Reclaiming intimacy and trust requires addressing historical trauma, challenging internalized oppression, and cultivating self-compassion.​Key Themes & Timestamps:​[00:01:00-04:00] Early Life Experiences​[00:04:00-07:00] Accessing and Owning Your Body​[00:07:00-11:00] Addressing Internalized Oppression​[011:00-14:00] The Impact of Shame and Subjugation​[014:00-17:00] The Role of Personal History​[017:00-20:00] The Importance of Touch and Intimacy​[020:00-24:00] Exploring Shame and its Impact on Sexuality​[024:00-29:00] The Role of Touch Deprivation​[029:00-35:00] Reclaiming Intimacy and TrustAbout Deran Young:Deran Young is a licensed therapist, CDWF, CDTL, Co-Author of New York TImes Best Seller, You Are Your Best Thing, retired military officer, and the founder of Black Therapists Rock.Black Therapists Rock is a non profit organization that mobilizes over 30,000 mental health professionals committed to reducing the psychological impact of systemic oppression and intergenerational trauma.She obtained her social work degree from University of Texas, where she studied abroad in Ghana, West Africa for two semesters creating a high school counseling center for under-resourced students. Deran describes herself as someone who loves to learn from various cultures and has visited over 37 different countries and her clinical experience spans across four different continents. Her passion for culture and people has led her to become a highly sought after diversity and inclusion consultant working with companies like BBERG, Facebook, Linked In, Field Trip Health, and YWCA.Deran’s advocacy expands over several online and offline platforms. With a current social media audience of over 100,000 followers on IG and Facebook, Deran has become a leading influencer and public figure committed to spreading mental health awareness and improving health equity. She resides in the Washington DC area and continues to explore the world with her young son.Connect with Deran: Deran's Facebook PageDeran's Facebook GroupDeran's Instagram12 Step Meetings for Adult Children of Alcoholic or Dysfunctional FamiliesFollow Patricia on Instagram:https://www.instagram.com/patriciarichconsulting/Join the Self-Led Sexuality Free Facebook Community:https://www.facebook.com/groups/selfleds3xualitywithpatriciarichSign up for Patricia’s email list and get the freeThe Six S's of Sexual Self-Energy Infographic.

"When we can turn towards our parts with curiosity and compassion, we can begin to heal and grow."In this episode, I talked with Certified IFS Consultant, author and IFS podcaster extraordinaire, Tammy Sollenberger, about how we discovered Internal Family Systems, the transformative power of self-compassion, and how to apply IFS principles in our daily and sexual lives. Tammy shares personal stories and her clear understanding of the model in ways that I am sure will engage you and awaken your curiosity.Key Takeaways:The power of IFS: How this therapeutic model can revolutionise your understanding of yourself.The importance of self-compassion: Learn how to cultivate kindness and understanding towards your inner world.IFS and sexuality: Explore the connection between IFS and navigating sexuality.Practical tips: Discover simple ways to incorporate IFS into your daily life.Timestamps:01:23 First Encounter and Impact of IFS11:54 Exploring Internal Family Systems26:44 The Importance of Simplifying IFS32:08 Exploring Vulnerability and Unblending33:33 Navigating Complex Sexual Worlds37:25 Trailheads and Sexual Energy42:16 Internal Consent and Self-Energy44:36 Parts and Morning Routines54:53 Naming and Unblending PartsAbout Tammy Sollenberger:Tammy Sollenberger is an author, podcaster, and psychotherapist. She is a Certified IFS Therapist and Consultant who enjoys helping people new to IFS discover their Authentic Self. She co-authored a chapter on the Enneagram and IFS with Joan Ryan in the book "Altogether Us: Integrating the IFS Model with Key Modalities, Communities and Trends." She authored the book, "The One Inside: Thirty Days to Your Authentic Self," and she hosts and produces a weekly podcast called "The One Inside." She has a part who always wishes she was reading on a sunny beach.Connect with Tammy: https://tammysollenberger.com/Follow Patricia on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/patriciarichconsulting/Join the Self-Led Sexuality Free Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/selfleds3xualitywithpatriciarichSign up for Patricia’s email list and get the free The Six S's of Sexual Self-Energy Infographic.