Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about how a betrayed spouse can work towards forgiving their partner who is suffering from sex addiction or other related issues. Many addicts fail to understand why it takes their spouse so long to recover from their betrayal. Dr. Rob explains from a betrayed spouse's point of view how, and when, to move forward. TAKEAWAYS: [:35] What's the difference between chronic cheating vs. being a sex addict? [3:55] It's easy for SA to justify their poor behaviors. [4:45] If you can't stop the cheating, get help. [8:35] Assessments are a vital tool to really dive deep into why someone is acting out the way they are. [10:55] You have to address the mental health issues that surround whatever the addict is going through that is causing them to act out. [11:55] How do I know if someone is a love addict? [15:45] As a betrayed partner, I keep waiting for the next shoe to drop. What should I do? [25:40] My spouse is completely done with me. How can I still stay motivated on my recovery journey? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami discuss whether a listener is truly living a sober life. The listener asked if it's okay to masturbate to pictures of their own body now that they're sober from porn. Dr. Rob weighs in on his interesting thoughts on the matter. Dr. Rob also answers questions about when is a good time to initiate intimacy with a SA, and much more. TAKEAWAYS: [:45] My addict is doing "borderline" sketchy behavior but hasn't actually done anything or crossed a line. Should I be mad? [7:10] I'm a female SA in recovery and now I get off to pictures of my own body. Is this normal? [12:40] My SA is new to recovery. Is now a good time to challenge him on different ways we can create intimacy without sex? [21:50] I'm not ready to tell our immediate family about his addiction. Should we ever tell them? [26:45] I started watching porn when I was 8. I think I am a heterosexual, but I am not sure. How do I know for sure? [30:00] How long will it take my addict to "figure himself" out? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami offer advice from a husband who has betrayed his spouse. Although he's been sober for 22 months now, his wife still feels so hurt by his past actions. He automatically wants to be on the defensive when she's upset, but can't. What are some of the best ways he can comfort his wife? Dr. Rob and Tami share different approaches to help this couple move forward and toward healing. TAKEAWAYS: [:25] My spouse and I each have our own therapists. Does it ever make sense for us to meet with the same therapist? [8:35] My former sex addict also babysits little children, should I be concerned for those little girls' safety? [15:25] My wife is still upset about my past. How can I comfort her during this time? [19:45] Tami offers some different ways/words you can communicate to your betrayed spouse. [21:10] Dr. Rob talks about why we might act out "randomly." [26:45] There's nothing wrong with having an escape plan to get out of a very triggering moment for you. RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from someone who is "white knuckling" their recovery. They're not leveraging their resources to the fullest because their recovery and journey to sobriety are still in secret. Dr. Rob and Tami explain why this isn't considered a healthy path to long-term recovery, despite being sober. TAKEAWAYS: [:50] I really feel like his recovery journey is too good to be true. Is he really progressing, or is it all still a lie? [9:45] I am 100 days sober, but my wife doesn't know about my addictions. What should I do? [17:30] Is he no longer acting out, or is he just really good at hiding it? [23:55] Can voyeurism and exhibitionism be "cured"? [25:55] He backpedals when he makes a mistake. How do I cope when he makes these slips? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about sex offenders in this week's episode and how to work with someone who exposes themselves to people non-consensually. The listener admits that her husband has been exposing himself in public parks for a number of years and is concerned that there is no hope for this person in recovery. Dr. Rob and Tami talk about how you begin to work a recovery program as a sex offender. TAKEAWAYS: [:50] Will my spouse unlearn his toxic masculinity while in recovery? [4:00] Can you explain a little bit more about behavioral process addictions? [9:20] How can I practice prodependence? [13:45] Is recovery/treatment time based on how long someone has been acting out? [18:15] My SA husband has been exposing himself in public parks. Can this be treated? [25:40] Is it possible to work 12-step for substance and sex at the same time? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Safesociety.in Atsa.com

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about compulsive liars in this week's episode and the reasoning behind someone who can't seem to tell the truth. If you are a betrayed spouse to someone who regularly lies and deceives, it can be hard to understand why lying can be the go-to safety mechanism for protection. Dr. Rob explains further in this episode why some addicts just can't stop lying. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] Why is sex addiction not about sex? [3:35] I had a relapse and my partner is fed up. I want to build trust again, but she just doesn't believe me. What can I do? [9:20] You have to want recovery because you'll be doing it for a long time. [12:10] Does it make sense to have a marital absence if my partner has a porn addiction? [15:30] If you don't feel safe with someone and if you don't trust them, don't have sex with them! [17:10] My husband lies about his recovery. He's not doing the work! [22:45] Is your partner a lost cause? Dr. Rob can help. [23:00] I think he's a compulsive liar. Is this connected to his addiction? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami discuss if it's possible for an addict to get better when he/she shows all the signs of not putting in the work. Will this person ever wake up to the reality of the pain that they're causing friends and family? And if not, what can the partner do to protect themself from this situation? Dr. Rob and Tami answer all of this and more. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] I'm on my last hope with my partner. Will he ever get sober? [5:35] The path to recovery is bumpy, but so worth it. [8:20] If your partner isn't doing the work, then it might be best to grieve him and then move on. [9:10] My addict was the worst thing to happen in my life. How do I stop stressing out about my past? [14:20] When you don't like where you are, that's when you're more likely to turn on yourself. [15:45] My addict is NOT willing to do the work. What can I do? [16:55] You can't make anybody change. [22:25] Most times addicts don't come into treatment centers for themselves. [27:30] Do you want to punish your addict or do you want to feel better about yourself? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about whether your children can become addicts if there's been generational evidence that addiction and disorders run in the family lineage. The listener also asks if it makes sense to Dr. Rob and Tami to disclose their spouse's addiction to their grown children to warn them about this disease being hereditary. This can be a bit of a complicated question to answer, but Dr. Rob and Tami do a deep dive into ways to approach this subject. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] I want to help him heal, but I can't help him take the next steps. What should I do? [3:40] You need to set boundaries between yourself and your loved one. [7:40] My addict had a slip and I'm super angry, but are these slips a good thing? [10:40] It's your job to be hurt and angry! However, there is a silver lining. [13:20] It's up to them to stay sober. You did nothing wrong. [14:45] He keeps disclosing things I don't want to know about. How do I make him stop? [19:45] Will my children inherit this disease? Should I tell them? [25:10] Dr. Rob wished one of his parents owned up to their screwed-up mistakes when he was younger. RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question on whether you can become "cured" of narcissism. Narcissism is very common among addicts, especially early in recovery. It's important to note that there is a path forward to becoming a more empathic person, but there is a specific process to work through to achieve it. In this week's episode, Dr. Rob and Tami explain that narcissism is often born from deep insecurity and offer important reasons why you should stay sober. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] I think I'm working with a narcissist. Is there a cure? [4:00] You have to pose questions to them and be curious instead of directly challenging them. [8:20] Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? [11:10] Under every narcissist there is a very insecure person who is afraid of being abandoned. [13:10] Are same-sex betrayals different from heterosexual betrayals? [18:20] Empathy takes a lot of practice for addicts. [24:45] My SA is stuck on step three and he doesn't understand why I'm still upset. Can you please explain to him my anger? [30:35] Dr. Rob doesn't believe your partner is truly sober. RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami answer questions from listeners about setting healthy boundaries and what that might look like. You should never feel compelled to do something just to appease the other person, especially if they're on a path to recovery. When you set a boundary, it's not for them, it's a way to take care and protect yourself. Dr. Rob and Tmai explain more in this week's episode. TAKEAWAYS: [1:00] I want to help my addict hear, but I don't know how. What can I do to support him? [3:35] Tami shares some examples of what healthy boundaries look like. [7:40] My SA husband had a slip. I'm so angry, but how can I move forward? [9:55] You can't learn if you aren't able to make mistakes. [14:10] The only thing you have control of is your actions and reactions. [15:00] I honestly just don't want to know about his slips and recovery. Is this a healthy boundary? [19:50] Is it possible that my son has inherited my husband's sex addiction disease? [25:35] It's okay to acknowledge to your children that you weren't perfect parents. RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss