Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from an addict that is struggling with their own narcissism. Can this condition truly be cured? In this episode, Dr. Rob and Tami explain what a narcissist is and why so many people in recovery have narcissistic traits and qualities. TAKEAWAYS: [:45] How do you work with narcissists? [3:35] Dr. Rob explains how you can work on breaking out of your narcissistic mold. [5:30] Part of recovery is being 100% honest. If you're honest, your narcissism will get better. [7:55] During the early stage of recovery, many addicts focus on their own pain and not on the pain they've caused others. [11:50] There is a very insecure and hurt person under every narcissist. [13:15] Dr. Rob, what is your take on same-sex couples going through a betrayal? How does "Out of the Doghouse" apply in this case? [23:00] Entitlement is an indicator of a narcissistic trait. [23:55] A lot of narcissists are stunted emotionally. [24:25] Addiction is your friend. Your addiction makes you a better person. Dr. Rob explains how. [25:20] I'm furious with my addict and he doesn't understand why. How can we move forward? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami help someone going through the 9th step process and are currently struggling to reconcile with their wife during this process. His partner still feels incredibly hurt and he is wondering how he can make amends while also soothing her. Dr. Rob and Tami give insight on what living amends really means. TAKEAWAYS: [:35] Do addicts also suffer from fertility issues? [6:00] Whatever you're ashamed of, tell your doctor. You won't get the help you need unless you're honest with them. [6:10] He needs to be sober for 90 days to do formal disclosure but keeps having slips. What can I do? [15:05] I am trying to do the 9th step and make amends, but my wife is not having any of it. What can I do to comfort her? [19:20] What does living amends really mean? [22:15] My husband is experiencing medical issues and is letting his recovery slip. What should I do? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami walk through someone who is struggling to figure out whether they should pour more energy into their loved one or if they should finally make the tough decision to separate. Dr. Rob understands that the listener wants to make sure they've exhausted all their options so that they can leave the relationship 'with no regret', but he explains why that's not always the best approach. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] Should I stay or should I go? [2:45] I want to make sure I've exhausted all possible options before I leave my addict. Is there a strategic plan for this? [7:10] Wanting things to work out is a feeling, but they're not facts. What are the facts when it comes to your addict's actions? [10:25] Should I do a formal disclosure even though we are no longer living together? [13:15] When I first found out, I was SO MAD. Despite it being four years ago, I still feel the need to rage every few months. How can I better control this? [19:35] Anger is a healthy emotion, but uncontrollable rage isn't. [20:25] My addict is resistant and I just want to leave. I need some confirmation. [27:50] Don't do the disclosure UNLESS you plan to be 100% truthful. Because the 'white lies' will come out later on. RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about why a family might put all the focus and blame on the betrayed spouse and not look at the actual family member (their son or daughter who is the one struggling with the addiction) to put their anger and disappointment on. Dr. Rob shares a bit of a reminder that you're working with a broken family unit and they will lash out in unhealthy ways to cope. TAKEAWAYS: [:25] How do I concentrate and retain information better? [7:15] It might be beneficial to see if you're diagnosed with ADHD. [7:30] How do I deal with my addict's family? They blame me! [16:40] Why do these parents know so much about your personal sex life? Find a therapist! [18:00] What does a one-on-one look like with Dr. Rob? [21:20] Thank you so much for sending in your answers! RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from someone who is struggling to be intimate with their life-long partner. As an addict, it is so much easier to act out and live in a fantasy than live in reality. The reality is, we often do not know how to connect and build real relationships when we're in active addiction. Dr. Rob and Tami share how you can break this toxic cycle and build true and meaningful relationships now that you're sober. TAKEAWAYS: [0:25] How do I get over cravings as a chemsex addict? [5:20] Schedule and accountability are key in this situation. [6:25] How long will these restrictions from my betrayed spouse last? [13:35] I have such a hard time being intimate with my partner of 8 years. It was easier to act out. Why is that? [16:40] Sex addicts seek intensity when what they truly want is intimacy. [19:25] Intimacy is about being open and vulnerable, not about having the best body or biggest private part. [22:00] What's the difference between a relapse vs. a slip? [28:55] What does it look like to be on a journey of recovery? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami dive into what should an addict do if they're working around the opposite sex. Obviously, quitting is not always an option nor does it solve the core problem. Dr. Rob offers advice on how to set healthy boundaries with female coworkers and how to ensure you're still respecting your spouse in this entire process. TAKEAWAYS: [:35] Should my husband remain abstinent for 90 days? [6:00] What is a love addict? [8:55] It can take two years to really have a good and intimate connection with someone. [12:10] How can I have healthy boundaries with women at work? [18:05] What kind of coursework should I focus on as someone who is six months sober? [25:00] What's the best way to write an impact letter? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from someone who is in recovery, but their partner is not. Is there hope for this relationship? Dr. Rob breaks down why you have to focus on your own journey if you want to get the most out of your sobriety. Maybe your partner will come around, maybe not. Dr. Rob and Tami explain what this means for you. TAKEAWAYS: [1:05] How can I get over the betrayal and his relapse? [7:00] One session once a week is just not going to cut it. [10:30] Most addicts will say they're a good father. Dr. Rob calls them out on that. [14:30] I'm on the path to recovery but my partner is still in active addiction. What can I do? [20:55] Dr. Rob shares resources you can use to help you on your recovery journey. [25:10] Get yourself help and put yourself on the right path with an expert that knows what they're doing. RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a man who is struggling to find honesty and empathy during his journey through recovery. His therapist believes he should dive into his childhood traumas, but he's unsure of the reasoning behind it. Dr. Rob explains that the way we feel as a child is how we treat our spouses when we grow up. So, if we felt unworthy of love, unseen, or completely ignored, we will do the same to those that are closest to us. TAKEAWAYS: [1:05] I'm trying to meet a long-term partner on an online dating app and they're more interested in hookup culture. What can I do as a bisexual man? [6:20] My addict wants ME to find him a therapist. What's up with that? [9:50] I am so kind to him and help him out when he needs it, and he keeps lying to me. What are my next steps? [18:00] I am sober but I fail with empathy and honesty. Is this part of my childhood trauma? [23:20] People who get what they needed when they're kids don't struggle with the types of problems we, as addicts, struggle with. [25:10] People cycle through the same patterns they learned as a child. RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a betrayed partner on how to process through everything that has happened to her. She has found out about her addict's affairs and isn't sure how to process or begin the journey of healing. Dr. Rob and Tami share some tips to get the process jumpstarted. TAKEAWAYS: [1:05] I've been betrayed and my therapist tells me I need to process through the betrayal. What does that even mean? [7:00] Dr. Rob was getting a massage and he started crying. Sometimes "processing" means just that. [10:20] My addict acts out when things are going well, not when things are stressful. Why? [16:10] Can you explain what eroticized rage is? [21:45] Is my addict trying to gaslight me or is his brain just stuck? [27:30] You get out of recovery what you put into it. [29:45] In Dr. Rob's family, you had to shame people to take action. Dr. Rob didn't know of a better way to get people to improve themselves. RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a betrayed spouse that experienced sexual assault when she was younger. Her SA partner's brother was being very disrespectful and chose not to listen to her wishes/boundaries and intentionally triggered her PTSD. When you're in a situation where you're with mean or rude family members, what should you do or focus on? Dr. Rob and Tami share their thoughts and advice. TAKEAWAYS: [:25] I have performance anxiety and ED issues due to chemsex. How should I communicate this to my urologist? [4:20] My husband says he has different 'desires' for a woman in a magazine vs. on a tv screen. I don't understand this. Isn't it the same 'lust'? [9:35] My husband said he had sexual relations with other boys in his teen years, but he's not attracted to men. Is this common among sex addicts? [12:10] My SA's brother triggered my PTSD intentionally. How do I navigate this family dynamic when there's no respect? [17:55] It's very hard to stand up for ourselves. Good for you for standing up and setting boundaries! [20:00] Step-Daughter and Step-Father porn. Should I be concerned? [26:10] Thank you for showing up and listening to these podcasts. Dr. Rob and Tami are here to help serve you! RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss