Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a heavy question from a listener about whether she should be concerned that her husband is around their children after he revealed some of his porn preferences. Dr. Rob weighs in on his thoughts and what you should do when you find out your addict has been watching very disturbing and "not normal" porn. TAKEAWAYS: [:25] My husband suffers from depression and it's starting to drag me down. How can I better support myself and him? [3:30] Dr. Rob shares a self-assessment to confirm whether your husband has depression. [8:30] How concerned should I be that my husband used to watch incest porn? [11:15] Dr. Rob is concerned about this type of porn. He explains why. [16:15] My SA still has denial and non-acceptance about his actions even after 30-plus months. Will it ever get better? [18:20] It sounds to Tami that he's a bit of a "dry drunk." He's quit the bad actions but is still an addict. [23:20] Betrayed partners have such a hard time really understanding why an addict would do what they do because they themselves could never do what they've done. [26:20] My wife and I are exhausted from this recovery process. Why is being honest and transparent so difficult? [31:35] It's important to have a better conflict management plan together. Tami offers some resources to help get back on track. RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a listener's question who feels very stuck and hopeless. She feels trapped because it seems the aggression in sex with her addict is getting worse and worse. He has intense sexual fantasies throughout the day and wants to keep acting out with them. Is there hope for someone like this? TAKEAWAYS: [:35] I have performance anxiety. I can't seem to perform now that I'm sober. [2:20] Intimacy is scary. How do you talk about your performance anxiety? [4:45] My SA husband has relapsed and then slipped. He doesn't want to share with me going forward because he doesn't want me to get angry. Are my requests legit? [8:00] Early in recovery, it's going to be hard. Your addict will make mistakes. [14:10] What resources are available to me? I'm super overwhelmed. [26:15] He manipulates me with sex. I hate it. And he doesn't have a CSAT. What should I do? [28:55] How do you say no to this person? If you can't, then you need to get support. RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a very upset listener. Her partner is accusing her of being unfaithful after the discovery because he feels she will just want to cheat back after finding out about everything this man has done. She is furious that this man is projecting his insecurities onto her. Dr. Rob and Tami share how this woman can protect herself, heal herself, and move forward from this projection. TAKEAWAYS: [:50] Should my SA husband be treated for OCD? [4:45] I keep thinking I don't actually want to be with my partner. How do I know if this is true or do I just want to freely act out? [12:00] Men often get discouraged because they do not fully understand their betrayed partner's feelings. [12:55] Is it common that my SA partner doesn't trust ME? [15:50] Betrayed spouses! Trust your gut. [16:15] I reached out to my sister for support and now it feels like I have to choose between my friend and my partner. [23:15] I'm not acting out but I do feel hopeless. What should I do? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a very hurt spouse. Her husband has found himself sexually attracted to amarried woman, and although he was honest with her, she can't understand why he'll respect the marriage of a stranger but not his own marriage. What's going on with this person? Does he have so little care about their own marriage? Dr. Rob and Tami share some insights. TAKEAWAYS: [:25] My SA has no empathy. Is this fixable? [4:40] How do I know if my addict truly wants to change? [10:45] My addict is sexually attracted to our son's new teacher. He stopped himself because 'she was married'. This angers me. [18:25] Do you think the Green book or the Big Book is better for a porn addict? [22:00] How do I get over toxic shame? [25:35] You never truly get over your trauma. [30:00] My addict won't seek help and we're divorcing. How should I approach co-parenting with this person? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami share some light into why an addict might betray their spouse's trust. Was the last 40-plus years of marriage all a lie? The answer is no. Addicts are deeply broken people and, although this is not an excuse, they show love in very puzzling and misguided ways. Dr. Rob and Tami offer some understanding and insight into why an addict might think, and do, the things that they do. TAKEAWAYS: [:25] How do I respond to my addict when he says I don't appreciate him enough? [9:00] My SA husband still has sexual fantasies about friends of mine. What's going on? [15:15] I can't heal from the betrayal. I just can't. What can I do to move forward? [23:40] My wife is asking me to stop hanging out with certain people, but she is still hanging out with a toxic friend. What do I do? [26:00] What does a healthy relationship look like? [27:35] You need to focus on your own healing. Are you interested in healing the relationship? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami get a question from a SA who is experiencing a lot of shame and distress in his current relationship. After disclosing to his wife all the betrayals and hurts he has caused her, she is having a hard time adjusting to this new-found information. She has expressed that she thinks he's disgusting for having certain sexual preferences. Is there any hope for him to reconcile and have a loving relationship again with his wife? Dr. Rob and Tami offer some insight into what's really going on. TAKEAWAYS: [:25] How do I not put my entire identity into a job? [3:15] Although you may have lost your job, there are a lot of opportunities open for you right now. [7:40] My wife can't imagine being with someone who's done such disgusting things. Is there any hope to repair? [14:10] What turns you on, turns you on. [17:00] It's normal for your spouse to be distant at first, but it's important to have a conversation, also. Don't let it "slide." [21:50] Every spouse wants more answers, but that doesn't provide them with the healing that they really need. [25:00] Why do addicts find it so hard to be consistently honest? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from someone who is struggling with their ambivalent emotions against their addict. Dr. Rob senses this betrayed spouse has too much investment in the addict and not enough care or compassion for themselves. It's important as a betrayed partner to practice self-care and to get a support group for your journey also! TAKEAWAYS: [:25] My SA has had a couple of slips since his recovery. Is this normal? [6:25] You don't have to be nice when he is hurting you! [9:25] Here are some proactive ways/conversations to talk to your partner about his slips. [11:30] How do you work through the pain of rejection of a potential sponsor? [14:20] Addicts are often passive. They get angry at someone and then go act out instead of talking to them. [17:45] I've been listening to this therapist. What are your thoughts on his approach to addicts? [18:35] My children don't know about my addiction. How can I lessen the damage to them? [25:15] I feel so ambivalent and he gets annoyed that I still don't trust him yet. What can I do? [27:00] Addiction is a chronic condition and needs to be worked on daily. [30:15] Dr. Rob smells some lies in the mix around this particular addict. [33:15] It's not your job to cheer for his success! RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami understand that when you're going through recovery and begin hitting milestones, you start to question why you're really doing all of this. The journey to recovery is often hard and challenging, but it is worth it. If you're starting to get that itch to relapse, you need to connect with your community. There is so much healing in your community! TAKEAWAYS: [:35] I'm relapsing on porn due to work stress and anxiety. How do I fight back? [5:50] What are you currently doing to enjoy more of your life? [7:00] What do you do when you're about to relapse? [10:00] When we feel alone, that's when it's essential to connect with other people. [11:20] I feel like I have all the symptoms that lead to addiction. Am I just doomed? [15:35] Addicts don't like to have feelings and will do anything to avoid them. [16:45] He says God healed him, but he's still acting out and is also demanding I accept it. What can I do? [19:45] Get yourself a lawyer to understand what your rights are. [25:15] When should I just end the relationship with an SA? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami understand that when you're going through recovery and begin hitting milestones, you start to question why you're really doing all of this for. The journey to recovery is often hard and challenging, but it is worth it. If you're starting to get that itch to relapse, you need to connect with your community. There is so much healing in your community! TAKEAWAYS: [:35] I'm relapsing on porn due to work stress and anxiety. How do I fight back? [5:50] What are you currently doing to enjoy more of your life? [7:00] What do you do when you're about relapse? [10:00] When we feel alone, that's when it's essential to connect with other people. [11:20] I feel like I have all the symptoms that lead to addiction. Am I just doomed? [15:35] Addicts don't like to have feelings and will do anything to avoid it. [16:45] He says God healed him, but he's still acting out and is also demanding I accept it. What can I do? [19:45] Get yourself a lawyer to understand what your rights are. [25:15] When should I just end the relationship with an SA? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a listener who seems to have their boundaries constantly pushed and violated. If you feel like you have to accept something unacceptable, take a step back and remind yourself that you don't! Dr. Rob and Tami offer some perspective on this situation. TAKEAWAYS: [:40] What's the difference between a trauma therapist vs. a trauma coach? [4:35] You should always get the most qualified person to help you through your issue or problem. [6:20] My partner keeps worrying that I will relapse. What can I do to reassure her? [10:15] Acknowledgement for your wrongs goes a long way. [13:10] How do you know when you've reached a breaking point? [16:45] Is my addiction due to finding my father's porn stash as a child? [19:40] I have PTSD from living with my addict. What are my resources? [23:30] It seems I constantly have to accept something unacceptable. How do I protect myself? [28:00] What's the right way to disclose attraction or a slip or a messy thought to your partner? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss