Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from an addict who has also been betrayed by his spouse. They have both hurt each other with their addictions/infidelities, however, it seems unfair that he's in treatment for his demons and she is running around scot-free. Dr. Rob and Tami explain how you can move forward and focus on your own recovery despite experiencing a betrayal from your partner. TAKEAWAYS: [:45] I'm absolutely DONE with my addict. I can't move out yet, so what can I do for my own safety? [5:00] I feel like I'm repressing my sexuality when I'm sober. Because of this, I can't seem to be sober for long periods. How do I become healthy? [8:50] Recovery is all about doing things; positive and good things for you. [9:45] How can I communicate to my separated spouse that I'm on a good recovery path now? [12:25] My SA is just not taking recovery seriously. How long does it take to stop messing up and get serious about this? [18:20] My wife has had a sexual affair. I'm not innocent either, but I feel like I'm the punching bag in this whole situation. Why am I the bad guy here? [21:50] My addict is just a mess. How can I safely disengage from all this pain? [25:15] When does it make sense for me to go back to dating as an addict? [27:20] Is it common for terrible people to try and get "honorable" jobs to look good/better on the outside? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about the healing properties a journal practice can have. A listener wrote that her therapist wants her to journal out the resentment and anger that her SA has caused her, but the mere thought of doing this gets her re-triggered and angry all over again. Is there really a point to all of this aside from re-remembering the betrayal? TAKEAWAYS: [:25] My SA husband's entire family has suffered from some sort of sexual addiction or abuse. Is all of this hereditary? [8:30] How can intermittent reward cause or enhance relationship addiction? [16:15] What's the point of writing my betrayal down? I feel so angry just thinking about it. [18:50] If you have a lot of anger inside you, a journal practice can be very healing. [19:45] My addict is weaseling out of our initial agreement. What should I do? [26:05] If you're not doing the work, then it doesn't matter what you say or do. [26:15] He's sober but still can't be intimate with me. He says he feels shame. Is this just an excuse? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about whether it makes sense for an addict to be put on a harm reduction treatment for sex addiction. A listener writes in wondering if he should completely stop or if reducing the impact and damage through harm reduction is a good starting point. Dr. Rob sets the record straight on what he thinks about harm reduction and honesty. TAKEAWAYS: [:45] My partner admitted he's a liar and a cheater, but will not admit he's an addict. He doesn't "relate" to it. Will he ever be sober? [5:20] How can someone not be co-dependent if they have no sense of self? [12:30] I'm not ready to tell my family about his addiction, but I also feel like I'm hiding a big part of myself from them. How do I manage both worlds? [15:50] How do I let go of old PTSD? I keep retraumatizing myself. [20:05] My husband says all the right things but there's no real empathy. [25:20] I have been sober for a year, but I still use harm reduction techniques. Does this still count as sober? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a listener who is struggling to be a more empathetic person to their partner. Despite his best efforts, he can't seem to be present and emotionally available for her. Is this because he has ADHD? Is he just broken? How can he fix this? Dr. Rob and Tami offer a more detailed insight into what might actually be going on. TAKEAWAYS: [:25] How do I build trust with myself again to pick better after dating a sex addict? [2:35] Date them long enough to see if they have the ability to self-reflect. [7:15] My empathy is broken. How do I change? [11:45] I found out my same-sex partner has been acting out with the opposite sex. Is it because her needs just aren't being met or is this addiction? [18:25] I think I'm addicted to him, but I've read that you can't be addicted to a person. How do you explain this? [20:15] What are sex addicts actually addicted to? [28:15] Is there a rough draft of what healthy boundaries look like? [30:15] Dr. Rob offers some examples of what a boundary would look like with an addict. RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about what to do when your addict is incredibly jealous when you have friends of the opposite sex. It seems very hypocritical when they're the ones who caused harm and cheated in the first place. Dr. Rob and Tami talk about how to set healthy boundaries with someone who is out-of-their-mind jealous. TAKEAWAYS: [:35] How do I believe my addict is being honest without a polygraph? [6:25] My boyfriend is obsessed with his niece. Very touchy with her. This seems very strange. [11:30] He accuses me of being close to other men despite him being the one who cheated. How can I be calm when addressing this behavior? [15:55] He's never been honest about him acting out. I have to catch him in the act. What should I do? [20:00] You're incredibly focused on him and his needs, but what about you? What are your needs? [21:05] My husband dropped two big bombs on me. Is this marriage just over? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami discuss what an addict can do if the 12-step program just isn't for them. Should they stop going? Should they keep white-knuckling it? Tami offers resources for those who feel very out of place at these particular meetings. When it comes to recovery, getting the help you need and doing so correctly is the most important step in the process. TAKEAWAYS: [:35] I noticed my SA and other SA men do not have healthy male friendships. Is this normal? [4:15] If these unhealthy female relationships make you uncomfortable, you need to voice your concerns. [6:45] My SA wants guarantees from me that I'll still be with him once he enters into a program. How do I handle this? [11:00] Every therapist says addiction isn't about the sex, however, my addict says otherwise. What do you think, Dr. Rob? [14:30] Why do addicts have intimate avoidant attachment issues? [18:05] I don't seem to fit into the 12-Step program but I still go anyway. Is there any chance I can find integrity without attending these particular meetings? [24:55] What does a healthy sexual relationship look like in a married couple? [27:40] If you're a betrayed spouse, please read Dr. Rob's book Prodependence. It will help clarify any questions you might have. RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss "What is the Concept of 'Home,' Really?"

Dr. Rob and Tami discuss why someone would "suddenly" become an addict in their mid-40s. Sometimes, there were no inklings that this person was even an addict in the first place, but how true is that? Dr. Rob breaks down why someone might become an addict out of the blue in this week's episode. TAKEAWAYS: [:35] My husband has nocturnal emissions. Is this normal or is he just lying? [8:05] My husband left some things out in formal disclosure. His therapist doesn't think these details were important. Is there any hope that he'll change? [13:05] Dr. Rob is concerned for people who lie in their recovery groups and to their therapists. [17:35] Is it ever possible that an addiction starts after a mid-life crisis? [20:45] How do I focus on my recovery when my partner isn't sure if she wants to be with me? [23:25] What is the difference between prodependency and codependency? [27:15] How can I retrain my mind and be a better man? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss What is the Concept of "Home," Really?

Dr. Rob and Tami dive into when it makes sense for someone to date again after being sober and in recovery from sex, love, or porn addiction. This can be tricky for some professionals to determine, but Dr. Rob and Tami walk through some of the questions you need to ask yourself before you take that next step in the relationship. Remember, the goal isn't to have sex in the dating process, it's to get to know that person. TAKEAWAYS: [:35] How do I know if someone in recovery is ready to date again? [5:15] The goal isn't to have sex. The goal is to get to know the person. [6:25] Dr. Rob, can you explain what is a home? [15:15] I am having a hard time coping with my addictions. What can I do? [20:45] It takes work to become a better person. [25:00] Do people with OCD also have a higher chance to suffer from addiction? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss "What is the Concept of 'Home,' Really?"

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a betrayed spouse whose sex addict husband isn't doing the work. He says that he won't act out anymore because she's "fixed" after all the therapy she's doing. What kind of logic is this? Dr. Rob calls out this deflection behavior and wants every betrayed spouse to remember three important and critical things about themselves. TAKEAWAYS: [:35] My husband says he'll kill himself before he'll act out again. Not sure what to make out of this? Should I be concerned? [6:05] My SA is so mean that when he does something nice, I think it's malicious. How do I view him in a better light? [9:35] Is masturbation considered a betrayal? [13:35] Addicts are very good at compartmentalizing. We have an intimacy disorder. [16:40] My husband is no longer in a program. He believes he won't be acting out anymore because I'm all "fixed." Can I trust this? [21:05] Spouses! Dr. Rob wants you to write these three things down on pen and paper. [23:20] You can contribute to the problems in your marriage, but you cannot contribute to someone else making a decision toward what they want to do with their life. [25:15] Addicts have a million ways of telling you it's your fault. RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a distraught mother who has no idea how to work through her daughter's feelings and emotions about her father's sexual betrayal. Despite the young daughter going to a therapist, the mother is receiving news from him that she should be 100% honest with her daughter about what's happening in the household. Dr. Rob weighs in on how this isn't healthy or good advice, and how to best approach this instead. TAKEAWAYS: [:45] My 9-year-old daughter found out about his affairs and is now self-harming. What can I do to help her through this? [7:00] My wife stopped mid-way through formal disclosure. I revealed more info to her a few months later, and now she wants a divorce. How can I best show up for her now? [14:25] My husband has been in and out of sobriety. Am I crazy that this man just isn't doing the work? [19:25] Your spouse just isn't in recovery. He's checking the minimal boxes. What can you do to show up for you? [20:55] I don't think I will ever be able to have sex with this man ever again. Should I just leave this relationship? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss