Episode 471: Letting Go Of Someone You Can’t Let Go Of

12 snips

Jan 30, 2026

Dr. Tom Bellamy, neuroscientist and author focused on limerence and romantic obsession. He explores when intense preoccupation becomes harmful. Short, practical steps to reduce rumination and limit contact. Ways to strengthen executive control, reframe your story, and deliberately devalue idealization to regain perspective.

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INSIGHT

Limerence Is Neither Disease Nor Gift Alone

Limerence can be wonderful or destructive depending on context and reciprocity.
You must integrate it into life choices rather than treat it as a defect.

ANECDOTE

Common Painful Limerence Scenarios

One worst-case example is becoming limerent for someone manipulative who encourages your attachment.
Another common problem is becoming limerent for someone outside a committed relationship, which creates profound internal conflict.

INSIGHT

Limerence Can Trigger Valuable Self-Reflection

Negative limerence experiences can act as a life quake that forces self-examination.
They reveal what you truly want and can prompt long-term changes in priorities.

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Limerence is an intense state of romantic preoccupation where someone takes over your thoughts and emotions. It can feel exhilarating and even spark new love. But it can also become unhealthy, especially when the feelings are unrequited, inappropriate, or tied to someone who is unavailable or toxic. In this episode, we explore when limerence becomes a problem, and how to work through it.

I am joined once again by Dr. Tom Bellamy, a neuroscientist and honorary Associate Professor at the University of Nottingham. He has published over forty scientific works on neurophysiology. He runs the popular blog Living with Limerence and is author of the new book Smitten: Romantic Obsession, the Neuroscience of Limerence, and How to Make Love Last.

Some of the specific topics we explore include:

What keeps limerence going, and what do you need to understand before breaking the cycle?
How do you shift into a recovery mindset?
What practices help interrupt rumination?
What should you look for in a therapist if you need help working through limerence?
How does living more purposefully protect against limerence?

You can check out Tom’s website to learn more about his work.

Got a sex question? Send me a podcast voicemail to have it answered on a future episode at speakpipe.com/sexandpsychology.

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