Horror Movie Talk

In the most accurate portrayal of a girls high school locker room, we are treated to the wonders and horrors of puberty. Girls experience changes in their body such as menstruation and telekinetic powers, and boys get hard. Synopsis In this film adaptation of Stephen King’s first novel, Carrie White (Sissy Spacek) is a super sheltered teenage girl being raised by a religious fanatic mother while going to high school. In the first scene, we see Carrie experience her first menstruation in the girls locker room and she is utterly unequipped and humiliated. She’s relentlessly bullied by the other girls, and as a result they are punished and some seek revenge. The film shows Carrie’s journey from being an outcast to being a self actualized young woman, albeit in a tragic way. All along the audience is privy and sympathetic to the trainwreck slowly unfolding. Review of Carrie Carrie was a surprise hit in 1976. Off of a budget of 1.6 million, it grossed over 30 million in the box office. Brian DePalma, the director, skillfully adapted King’s novel to the screen. There are two other Carrie adaptations, but this 1976 version is the only one that is unforgettable. It walks the line between dark comedy, horror, melodrama successfully. The over the top cruelty and humiliation portrayed in the film don’t seem ridiculous in the setting of high school, because they represent the inner distorted world that every teenager experiences in high school. It’s the cinematic equivalent of a teenager’s imaginary audience. Some of the characters are more caricatures than people, but the one that counts most is Carrie, and all the others serve to make hers compelling and believable. Her reactions and countenance seem insane until you meet her fanatic mother, and the pieces all fall into place. The film deserves it’s place as one of the most iconic horror movies of all time. It’s enjoyable and unforgettable. It’s unique, strange, and somehow extremely relatable. Score 10/10

We watched Hatchet on Tubi and were treated to one of the most generic comedic slashers I’ve ever seen in my entire life. @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website. https://youtu.be/9wiSir2Cs18 Synopsis Twenty somethings are in New Orleans and decide it will be fun to go on a haunted swamp tour.  What they don’t realize is that this is Victor Crowley’s (Kane Hodder) swamp. Who is Victor Crowley? Besides being a close personal friend of Ozzy Osborne, he is a troubled man who lived a troubled life full of cruelty inflicted upon him by local kids. Victor’s ghost(?) now haunts the swamp where he was tragically killed by happenstance and tragedy. Everyone gets way more ripped apart than they bargained for. Review I chose to review Hatchet because I’m having a hard time in my personal life and this seemed like the kind of thing that I could handle. I was right. There is nothing here to make me feel feelings. Just mindless distraction in the form of sex, violence, and heinous monstrosities against God. The comedy is without feeling. The violence is without warrant. The concept is as old as film. Monster bad – but monster also tragic – but get out of my swamp. There are attempts at comedy that do not land. There is gratuitous violence that sloshes buckets of blood all over the place. There are even hot girls shooting softcore porno. Watch Hatchet (2006) Buy or Rent on Amazon Click Here to Watch Adam Green is the director of Hatchet, which is clearly an homage to 80’s and 90’s slashers the likes of Candyman, A Nightmare on Elm Street, and Friday the 13th.  Green manages to conjure all of the basics from these legendary slasher titles with absolutely none of the heart of any of them.  Horror icons Kane Hodder, Robert Englund, and Tony Todd are featured in hatchet. Todd and Englund as fun cameos and Hodder as Crowley himself. This is as boring and lifeless a movie as I can imagine and it helped me through a tough time. Sometimes a mindless waste of time filled with brimming buckets of blood is exactly what the doctor ordered. Hatchet proves that movies don’t have to be good or fun or anything but a waste of time.  Score 4/10

Have you ever fallen in love with a car? Like really fallen in love with a car? Well take that lust and combine it with a horror movie, and you get Titane. Synopsis Titane is about a lot of things. I mean, what isn’t Titane about? It’s not quite a Tit, and it’s not quite an Ane, but maaaan…so to answer your question, I dunno. Just kidding, it’s about the worlds most famous female auto show twerker/serial killer getting pregnant from fucking a car, and posing as a grieving father’s long lost son. So, you know, that old yarn. https://youtu.be/Q5_w2W5G9OM Review of Titane This movie is really something else. There are obvious comparisons to David Croenenberg since it has some great disturbing body horror, but at the same time, it’s not like anything I’ve seen before.  There is very little hand holding, to the point where it’s never quite explained why the protagonist does the things she does. But it’s apparent that even the protagonist doesn’t know either. It’s a dream-like film with evocative lighting, disturbing imagery, and lots of tits. Despite The bizarre plot and sphinx-like protagonist, there is a deeply human core to this film. It examines the inscrutable nature of desire, compulsion, and loss. I liked it a lot, and see why it got so much buzz last year. I wouldn’t say it’s a must see, but if you are in the mood for something really weird, check it out. Score 8/10

We went and saw The Menu, and were plated with a heaping helping of comedy drenched in satire, smothered in secret sauce. @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website. https://youtu.be/Kx55Rkynhtk Synopsis One of the world’s most prestigious and private restaurants is located on an island where access is as limited as the invites. A young couple of Tyler (Nicholas Hoult) and Margot (Anya Taylor-Joy) are lucky enough to make the list along with a variety of other impressive clientele. Chef Slowik (Ralph Fiennes) is a serious man with serious talent, dedication, and staff – Maybe too serious. What no one realizes is that tonight the menu is an extra special one and everyone gets more second helpings than they bargained for. Review The Menu is a strong dish that is best served without too much foreknowledge of what’s in store. It’s a moody thriller that is, at it’s core, a loving homage to dry comedies like A Mighty Wind and Best in Show. It’s takes a deep look at inspiration in creation and skewers the consumers of art and food alike. It’s pretentious and funny and quite gruesome.  It’s also a ton of fun.  Watch The Menu Buy or Rent on Amazon Click Here to Watch In the first 20 minutes, I desperately wanted to dislike this movie. Eventually it won me over with its incredibly dry humor wrapped in macabre violence and disdain for humanity. Every character is interesting and adds something to the story, and each bit of the story unfolds in a way that keeps you waiting for that next dish. Most importantly, The Menu doesn’t overstay its welcome. It’s perfectly portioned out and cooked to a nice sweet and nutty glaze. Score 10/10

People are strange when you’re a stranger. This week we review The Strangers. Why? Because we were home. Synopsis A young couple comes home late after a friend’s wedding. Kristen, played by Liv Tyler, and James, played by Scott Speedman, appear distraught despite the obvious preparations for a romantic evening at home. We learn that their evening has been ruined by a failed proposal, and they awkwardly work their way through the fallout. In the midst of their relationship turmoil in the middle of the night, they receive a strange visitor looking for “Tamara”. They turn the teen girl away, but she soon returns. Eventually more Strangers in masks show up and torment the young couple with increasingly strange behavior. Review of The Strangers The Strangers is in a group of super nihilistic horror films that use lack of motive, message, and pretense to their advantage. The dread felt in this movie is strong, and is caused by the confusion and hopelessness of the protagonists’ situation. The other feature of this story is that it is believable. The opening credits state that it is based on true events. Mainly that murderers exist and sometimes they target complete strangers for no reason. The film reminds me of original Last House on The Left, and Funny Games, mostly because they will all completely ruin your night. The film is well crafted and the suspense and tension is expertly increased over time. It’s a very simple and uncomplicated premise delivered in a tight hour and 30 minutes. The ending is a gut punch and will stick with you. Score 8/10

We watched Dashcam on Hulu and got treated to the best 67 minutes of comedy laced terror wrapped in found footage goodness since Creep. @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website. https://youtu.be/uOqHr1bC7iw Synopsis Annie Hardy is the talented host of her own stream called Band Car. Band Car is the internet’s #1 live improvised music show broadcast from a moving vehicle.  Annie raps to a beat while spouting what lots of Americans today would consider risque truths mixed with conspiracy theories.  In an effort to escape the insanity of a divided America, Annie heads across the pond to visit her former band mate, Stretch. Unfortunately, Annie and Stretch get into a fight because his girlfriend is a stuck up prude, and Annie takes Band Car on the road in Stretch’s stolen car. Things start to get weird when Annie picks up a sick woman named Angela.  Everyone get’s more mask mandates than they bargained for. Review Dashcam is the second found footage horror movie by Rob Savage, who in 2020 brought us Host. Fortunately, this time Rob had the foresight to cast Annie Hardy to play the role of his main character, Annie Hardy. Annie is probably the most entertaining actress I’ve ever seen. She is clever, talented, complicated, a little crazy, and totally hilarious. Dashcam is carried almost entirely by Annie and her improvised streamer banter and bullshit. Watch Dashcam Buy or Rent on Amazon Click here to Watch What Annie doesn’t shoulder, is the completely insane pacing and action of this movie. Every five minutes we find ourselves in someplace new fighting off an escalating array of horror and insanity. As we delve deeper into the terror, we find ourselves asking, “How can it get more crazy than this?” A word to the wise, you should probably buckle up, because it gets crazier! This year we’ve been blessed with tons of great horror movies, and Dashcam is one of the best.  Score 9/10

You called. We answered again.

When you’re smiling the whole world smiles at you. Maybe not in this case, but most of the resto of the time. Synopsis Dr. Rose Cotter, a workaholic psychiatrist at a busy hospital, sees a troubled patient that complains of hallucinations of people with creepy smiles terrifying her every waking moment. Initially Dr. Cotter doesn’t believe the young woman, but when the same phenomenon begins happening to her, she must investigate the origins of the mysterious curse before it is too late. Review of Smile (2022) Smile is the first feature length film from writer/director Parker Finn and is a retelling and expansion of his short Laura hasn’t slept. I haven’t been this excited about a new director since Ari Aster. I loved this movie. It has depth, it’s well crafted, and it features excellent performances from its cast. Lets start with the tone and theme of the movie. It’s an on the nose allegory for the long lasting emotional effects of trauma, which specifically uses trauma as a device in the plot. The fact that it is so on the nose and that I didn’t feel like it was ever ham handed in it’s delivery, makes it all the more impressive to me. The tone is dark and helpless, and only sinks deeper throughout. The direction and editing was fantastic. It has some of the best jumpscares I have ever witnessed, and somehow they seemed innovative instead of hacky. I jumped and yelled out several times in the theater. In so doing, it reaches the elusive praise of being “scary” by which some viewers judge horror movies.  The sound design and music should almost get top billing on the poster. I’ve never been so disorientated and terrorized by ringing phones. The music is deeply unsettling and is composed by Cristobal Tapia de Veer, who did the music for White Lotus on HBOMax Sosie Bacon, relative of the famous Travis Bacon, plays Rose, and her devolution into madness was convincing and heart wrenching. The characters felt fleshed out, and the relationships felt real. There was one scene between Rose and her fiance played by The Boys’ Jessie T. Usher, that felt false to me, but eventually his character and that relationship was framed in a way that even made that one moment make sense. It’s a movie that can be easily compared to It Follows and Th e Babadook, but it doesn’t ever feel derivative. I didn’t think I’d find another horror movie this year that I’d love as much as Barbarian, but here we are, just weeks later. I can’t stress this enough. I am a jaded, pretentious movie reviewer (see my comments on Terrifier 2’s review for proof). I no longer watch horror movies out of love or desire. I watch them out of obligation. This movie and Barbarian opened my cold heart and gave me childlike joy and terror, much like the critic at the end of Ratatouie. My faith in filmmaking is restored when I see new creative writer/directors that can still shock and delight me in the movie theater. Thank you Parker Finn Score 10/10 Smile (2022) Add it to your collection or rent it now. Click here to buy

We watched Terrifier 2 and were treated to a homage to 80’s slashers with a runtime of a Lord of the Rings movie. @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website. https://youtu.be/6KkONLf_ZKU Synopsis A year after his original massacre, Art the Clown (David Howard Thornton) returns to terrify Miles County. This time instead of killing random people, he seems to have an agenda and a renewed sense of humor. Art targets the friends and family of Sienna (Lauren LaVera). He is twisted, hateful, and worst of all – inappropriately humorous. As he mutilates kids and adults alike, he kind of helps to bring Sienna’s family together, which is as weird as it sounds.  Review This is the third Art the Clown effort by writer/director Damien Leone, who was obviously beaten by his father as a child. I think that it’s fair to say that Art the Clown has earned a place among the likes of Michael Myers, Jason, and Freddy, although his brand of slasher is a much more horrifically violent one, with a kind of through the looking glass feel to the whole thing.  Terrifier 2 is the longest slasher I’ve ever seen. It’s fucking long. It’s longer than The Return of the Jedi by 20 minutes!! Lots could have been left on the editing room floor. This movie has so much extra dialog and mood scenes that I question whether or not they were just going for some kind of record. Watch Terrifier 2 Buy or Rent on Amazon Click here to Watch Does the runtime make it bad? No, it just makes it less good. Terrifier’s brand seems to be astonishingly fucked up gore set to slapstick and deadpan comedy. Some of the kill concepts in this are truly gruesome and will never leave your mind.  Is this movie good? I don’t know, it’s not my favorite thing to see horrendous gore, but I have to say, if I am going to see horrendous gore, I would choose to see it with Art the Clown. He a pretty funny guy. This is not a real movie to me, this is some sort of attempt at a world record. It’s a pretty interesting thing to see. It pays homage to slashers of olde while cramming sex and blood down your gullet in a way that truly sickens me and makes me want to ask, “what is wrong with kids these days?” But that’s the whole point. If that sounds like a good time to you, you probably didn’t need to listen to my review. Score 6/10

You called. We came twice.