Real Men Feel with Andy Grant

This episode could be titled Real Men Fear. Today's guest is Dr. Avrum Weiss, a psychotherapist, an award-winning author, and teacher. His decade-long work on understanding men's internal lives culminated with his recently published bestseller "Hidden in Plain Sight: How Men's Fears of Women Shape Their Intimate Relationships." Avrum is a regular contributor to the Psychology Today website and offers workshops nationally about psychotherapy with men and helping men and women understand each other. He practices psychotherapy online from his home on an island in Midcoast Maine, specializing in psychotherapy groups for men and psychotherapy consultation. We discuss the hierarchy of fears men have of women, the repercussions of those fears, and what men can do about them. Listen in to learn about men's unacknowledged dependencies on their partners and the underlying issue of gender role conflict. Did you know loneliness is as significant a health risk for men as smoking? Let's do something about that. Topics and Questions 1:21 Starting with the premise that men are human. 1:50 Is there a particular fear that men have of women, or are there lots of them? 3:49 Have men long been afraid of women, or is this a modern age problem? 4:55 Fear of conflict with women 5:38 Are men fearful of being controlled and of conflict from anyone, or is something different regarding women? 7:00 Are you afraid of women? 10:27 Does saying men are fearful of anything make you anti-man? 12:17 What do you say to a bitter man who says all women are narcissists who use men and throw them away? 15:24 What are some repercussions of men afraid of women? 16:48 Can men change or overcome these fears? 22:41 - what women are taught about men by their moms 23:49 Who was "Hidden in Plain Sight: How Men's Fears of Women Shape Their Intimate Relationships" written for? 25:36 What did your dad teach you about women? 29:26 Growing up and growing old. 31:17 What is the best way for people to learn more about your work? 33:21 Is there one thing you wish more men knew? Links Avrum Weiss PhD -- https://www.avrumweissphd.com/ Hidden in Plain Sight: How Men's Fears of Women Shape Their Intimate Relationships -- On Amazon Connect with Andy and the Real Men Feel Podcast: Interested in a Clarity Call with Andy? - visit theandygrant.com/talk Instagram | @realmenfeelshow & @andy_grant Personal Website | theandygrant.com for coaching, healing, and book info! Podcast Website | realmenfeel.org for all things podcast-related! YouTube | Real Men Feel

Real Men Feel #268 Not Allowed to Die | Paws For Patrick My guest, Dan Maigler, shares his journey from politics to lobbying, to counseling, always knowing he wanted to help people. The kids that Dan works with reminded me of myself a lot. Some of the things they express resonated deeply with me. Fair Warning: This is an open conversation on suicidal thoughts and attempts. If you are in crisis, call or chat 988 right now. Dan is the mental health director for Paws for Patrick, a non-profit organization that connects young people with mental health issues to emotional support animals. He is also a school social worker, a therapist in private practice, and the host of the podcast Not Allowed to Die, where he explores the dilemmas he sees clients facing in his work. We discuss topics such as contracting for safety, assessing the risk of depressed clients, and being manipulative to keep people alive. Our conversation also touches on the difference between wanting to die and wanting the pain to stop. Paws For Patrick matters because no therapist can be there at 3 in the morning, but your dog or cat can be. Topics and Questions 1:18 What age range of kids do you work with as a school social worker? 1:59 What got you interested in mental health work? 3:11 Did you meet politicians out to help people, but they got jaded? 4:23 You have a podcast called, Not Allowed to Die, which is one of my all-time favorite titles -- tell me the significance of that name. 6:28 Have you had kids that couldn't make that commitment? That they aren't allowed to die? 8:16 So glad kids today can openly discuss suicidal thoughts. 9:55 Do you ever talk to teens on Not Allowed to Die? 10:31 What prompted you to start the podcast? 12:13 Do you worry about your family's mental health history impacting your two sons? 15:50 What is contracting for safety? 18:06 Andy's experiences with promising to live. 19:30 Why Dan wants you to stay alive. 21:09 Parasuicide attempts. An attempt that would not be lethal. 23:11 The diminishing of people's feelings, especially men. 27:15 What does life promise us? 28:24 What is Paws for Patrick? 31:27 Dan, what's the best way to find out more about you, Not Allowed to Die and Paws for Patrick? 32:40 Is there one thing you wish more men knew? Links Paws for Patrick -- pawsforpatrick.org Not Allowed to Die Podcast -- On Apple Podcasts Connect with Andy and the Real Men Feel Podcast: Interested in a Clarity Call with Andy? - visit theandygrant.com/talk Instagram | @realmenfeelshow & @andy_grant Personal Website | theandygrant.com for coaching, healing, and book info! Podcast Website | realmenfeel.org for all things podcast-related! YouTube | Real Men Feel

Real Men Feel #267 8/19/22 Receiving Praise | Being Worthy Men One of the goals of this podcast, my books, and my coaching... is to be inspiring. But whenever someone tells me I'm inspiring, I'll try to deflect it. Some of that is humility, but at times I can also notice strong resistance, an outright rejection of the praise. I might even want to argue about it. -- which is ridiculous. This sort of experience showed up big time in my first guest appearance in about a year when I was on the In The Blood Podcast with AC Fischer and Jason Moore recently. In the actual show, AC surprised me by saying that I was "a personal inspiration" to him. He went on to say, "Thank you so much for showing that it's okay for us to have emotions, that it doesn't detract from our masculinity, telling us that it's okay to cry, it's okay to experience the full realm of emotions. It's just okay to be us. I don't know if you really grasp how big of a thing it is that you're doing for your fellow man, Andy. I need you to know right now that you are one of my personal heroes, and I am so thrilled to have you with us today." I'm not trying to toot my own horn here. This isn't a "look at me!" show! Real Men Feel is about having conversations most men aren't having but that we can all benefit from. Even if it's me talking to you without being with you. If we can't fully accept our worthiness as men... if we can't own our "maleness," to quote Jed Diamond - receiving any praise is very uncomfortable. It makes us feel like a fraud or that we have imposter syndrome. You have value and worth simply in being. So be you. You're the best you the world could possibly have. Let's Talk - visit theandygrant.com/talk Connect with Andy and the Real Men Feel Podcast: Instagram | @realmenfeelshow & @andy_grant Personal Website | theandygrant.com for coaching, healing, and book info! Podcast Website | realmenfeel.org for all things podcast-related! YouTube | Real Men Feel

Real Men Feel #266 Moonshot Mission for Mankind & Humanity Research shows that men live sicker and die sooner than women. Dr. Jed Diamond is on a mission to change that. His moonshot mission focusing on men's mental health could save 375,000 lives each year in the United States alone. My Guest, Jed Diamond, is one of the world's leading experts in Gender Medicine and Men's Health. He has written sixteen books, including international best-sellers Surviving Male Menopause and The Irritable Male Syndrome. Most importantly, Jed is a teacher, mentor, and friend, and I am thrilled to connect with him again. When looking at risk factors for disease and early death, the number one risk factor is being male. Saving males is a worthy goal. Topics and Questions 1:50 Is challenge constant? 3:20: What is the purpose of your Moonshot Mission? 4:56 If we could help men live as healthy and long as women, we would save 375K men's lives per year in the United States. 9:20 You've said that healing men will do more good than curing cancer. Can you explain that? 11:30 Is this about only extending men's lives or also improving them? 13:24 What makes being male so deadly? 15:50 Men die sooner and live sicker due to our behaviors. 17:40 Many of these improved behaviors are well known. What keeps us from making these positive changes? 22:42 What does this African proverb mean to you? "The child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth." 25:00 The rise of authoritarianism. 25:53 The ease of going into blame mode. 29:26 Tell me about the book you are working on. 31:35 Jed, what's the best way to learn more about you and this moonshot mission? 32:37: Is there one habit, practice, or program you want to share? Links Connect with Jed Diamond menalive.com Connect with Andy and the Real Men Feel Podcast: Interested in a Clarity Call with Andy? - visit theandygrant.com/talk Instagram | @realmenfeelshow & @andy_grant Personal Website | theandygrant.com for coaching, healing, and book info! Podcast Website | realmenfeel.org for all things podcast-related! YouTube | Real Men Feel

Real Men Feel #265 8/6/22 Don't Always Push | 3 Life Lessons Over the past two weeks, I've done a lot of clutter clearing and overall cleanup. My home can get pretty nasty after ignoring it for over half a year, but I attacked the basement and garage today. I started with the basement, liberated the world's most ignored furnace filter, and then on to the garage - clearing trash, cobwebs, and random garage shit. I was sweeping the floor with a push broom — I pushed so hard that I snapped the handle. I could have gotten pissed, angry, stormed off to buy another one, or started throwing shit around… but I laughed. I said, nice one, Universe — maybe I've been pushing too hard. So operation garage cleanup is left at about 75% complete, and I'm fine with that. One of my favorite books is The Four Agreements. Get your copy at https://amzn.to/3BMeBbL The agreements are. Be Impeccable with Your Word Don't Take Anything Personally Don't Make Assumptions Always Do Your Best Now, if you just have them memorized or know them from a magnet, you could run into challenges. In the book, the nuances are explained more. Always Do Your Best, for example, sounds lovely, but the truth is your best will change from day to day, from moment to moment. Your best when you are tired, hungry, or sick is nothing close to your best when you are healthy, vibrant, and loving life. Your best is not some static setting; it varies. Some days my best is walking away from a broken broom handle. When I publicly came out of 8 months of withdrawal and darkness last month, one type of comment struck me at how often it was stated. "I've been feeling the same way" and "You are not alone." Why do we hide our pain from each other? Every human being has challenges, wounds, and struggles. Yet we often believe nobody is supposed to know that. WHATEVER you are going through, other people feel like you do, other people are dealing with that same thing -- but they keep it to themselves. Let it out. We are here to support each other. I don't believe life is a competition. Let's Talk - visit theandygrant.com/talk Links Connect with Andy and the Real Men Feel Podcast: Instagram | @realmenfeelshow & @andy_grant Personal Website | theandygrant.com for coaching, healing, and book info! Podcast Website | realmenfeel.org for all things podcast-related! YouTube | Real Men Feel

Real Men Feel #264 7/29/22 Love You, Bro I could not always tell people I loved them, especially male friends. Love you, dude. Love ya, mean it. I love you, man -- are just some of the ways I've said and heard men expressing affection for other men. Recently, I've been talking with and getting messages from many friends I haven't spoken to in many months or years. I've noticed many signing off with -- Love you, bro. I've never been a fan of that phrase. I get that it is short for brother. I adore it when my brothers from the ManKind Project or the Modern Mystery School say I love you, brother. Totally cool with that sentiment and phrase. But "bro" changes it for me somehow. Can't we just say, I love you? Period. Links Connect with Andy and the Real Men Feel Podcast: Instagram | @realmenfeelshow & @andy_grant Personal Website | theandygrant.com for coaching, healing, and book info! Podcast Website | realmenfeel.org for all things podcast-related! YouTube | Real Men Feel

Real Men Feel 263 7/22/22 Reaching Out -- Being Ignored One thing that struck me after my 8-month-long withdrawal from life was how many told me that they noticed I was quiet and wondered what was up. Some said I'd been on their mind, yet they didn't reach out. Some said they energetically reached out but were quickly shut down. When I did finally speak up and share, the number of people who said that I'd been on their mind or that they considered reaching out but didn't… made me wonder why that is. I think part of it is the way that polite society tells us not to feel - that negative emotions are bad, keep your shit to yourself, and suck it up. Never take being ignored personally. A response, or lack thereof, is entirely upon the mindset and energy level of the individual. You may want them to feel better, connected, and alive more than they do at that moment. Perhaps we are all responsible for keeping each other going. Let that be the point of social media. We are all in this together. So trust those little hunches and give the people that pop into your head a quick check-in. You might find yourself feeling good. Support this podcast → https://anchor.fm/realmenfeel/support Book a call with Andy → https://theandygrant.com/talk #RealMenFeel Connect with Andy and the Real Men Feel Podcast: Instagram | @realmenfeelshow & @andy_grant Personal Website | theandygrant.com for coaching, healing, and book info! Podcast Website | realmenfeel.org for all things podcast related! YouTube | Real Men Feel

Real Men Feel #262 7/15/22 Thinking I Want to Die WARNING: This episode discusses suicidal thoughts and attempts. If you are in a crisis, do not listen to this. Please call or text 988 to be connected to trained counselors that are part of the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline network. If you are outside of the US, please search for suicide prevention in your country. You matter! Please choose life. In recent years, I've become more careful in referring to my suicidal thoughts and actions. Instead of saying I wanted to die, I say I believed I wanted to die, or I thought I wanted to die. Because what I really wanted was to feel good. To not feel broken, hopeless, and helpless. I wanted my misery to end, not my life, but at times I saw them both as the same thing. I have to choose the light, joy, and life multiple times a day. I used to think that was horrible, but maybe it's just life. There are many times that life isn't easy, but that never means it isn't worth living. Links Connect with Andy and the Real Men Feel Podcast: Instagram | @realmenfeelshow & @andy_grant Personal Website | theandygrant.com for coaching, healing, and book info! Podcast Website | realmenfeel.org for all things podcast-related! YouTube | Real Men Feel

Real Men Feel #261 7/6/22 WTF Happened? Where Is Andy? This is the first episode of Real Men Feel since October of 2021. Such a long break was not my plan. Today I attempt to explain what happened and open up about my dark night of the soul and all the underlying shame that had me withdraw from everything. I've spent months living in complete apathy. I've only recently gotten to a place of genuinely wanting that to change. You can't help anyone who doesn't want to be helped. I did not want to be helped. I ignored everyone who offered support or even just asked if I was okay. Only in the past month have I been willing to feel better. Part of my process is authentically sharing what I've been going through. I'm not sure that I make much sense, which is probably true for anyone in the midst of depression and an existential crisis. I apologize for vanishing on you, and I hope something resonates with you. Be well. Links Connect with Andy and the Real Men Feel Podcast: Instagram | @realmenfeelshow & @andy_grant Personal Website | theandygrant.com for coaching, healing, and book info! Podcast Website | realmenfeel.org for all things podcast related! YouTube | Real Men Feel

“So many of us grew up with male emotion just being an explosion rather than an expression,” says Charles Matheus, author and Mankind Project facilitator. In today's episode, Charles describes how men’s emotions are frequently neglected and explains how a different approach to emotions can give men powerful spaces to be fully authentic. Charles dives deep into a common masculinity trope: men who rarely express their emotions sober. Instead, men wait until they are inebriated and let their emotions out in unhealthy and unproductive ways. Charles is working to break down this cultural trope and teach men how to deal with emotions in everyday life. His goal is to make a full range of emotional expressions in men the norm, instead of occasional, unhealthy outbursts. Tune into this week's episode of Real Men Feel for a conversation with Charles Matheus about creating powerful spaces and healthy emotional outlets for men. Learn how to look at emotions like a superpower, why vulnerability is a crucial mental GPS, and what the definition of Man Box culture is. Quotes • "I'm not actually interested in creating safe spaces anymore, but creating powerful spaces." (02:05-02:08 | Charles Matheus) • “Men have this opportunity now to get together with other men in particular, I think that's the place on this podcast, in their own men's groups, reading groups, whatever it is, to make some mistakes with one another, as we figure out a way to create those inclusive, powerful spaces at work, at home, at church, you know, wherever it is, but we got to talk about it.” (05:19-05:40 | Charles Matheus) • “So many of us grew up with the male expressions of emotion just being an explosion rather than an expression.” (09:54-10:03 | Charles Matheus) • “When we can be clean and clear with one another, it creates connection.” (16:23-16:27 | Charles Matheus) • “Testosterone is not a dominance chemical. That's the main problem with that biological explanation. It is a fierceness chemical. But we can be fierce together, and we can be fierce authentically, and we can be fierce in community.” (30:36-30:53 | Charles Matheus) • “There's no equality on a ladder.” (32:32-32:33 | Charles Matheus) • “Let's be authentic, full and powerful in ways that don't take power away from other people.” (33:03-33:05 | Charles Matheus) • "The universe is expanding, we must too." (42:25-42:28 | Andy Grant) Links Connect with Charles Matheus: www.charlesmatheus.com Connect with Andy and the Real Men Feel Podcast: Instagram | @realmenfeelshow & @andy_grant Personal Website | theandygrant.com for coaching, healing, and book info! Podcast Website | realmenfeel.org for all things podcast related! YouTube | Real Men Feel Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm