Elis James and John Robins

“You were hungover thinking about darts.” “You are scum.” “You are a waste that has wasted himself.” “How do you like that John?” “Why don’t you just melt in the park you never walked through enough 21 years ago?” “You complete piece of S.”From that exchange you wouldn’t think it would be a philosophical episode. However it is. It's deep. It’s a privilege, despair, sadness, nostalgia fest. And for once, the despair isn’t coming from John. You’ve got the Bosnians to thank for that. It’s also Edin Dzeko’s fault as to why Elis is dressed as a man who runs a community farm.Elsewhere Dave gets some coaching off a much speedier runner, John couldn’t leave his bed because he had an enjoyable visit to his old university college, and we have a reappraisal of Mellowship Slinky in B major.And finally, do we have a companion podcast to ‘A History of Nudity in a Thousand Beautiful Women with John Robins’? Because, after all, you simply must have two episodes a week these days.Get your Bureau when it’s piping hot on Saturday mornings, only on BBC Sounds, and if you want to drop anything down into our digital postal chutes then wang it over to elisandjohn@bbc.co.uk.

They invent a new emotion called "lostalgia" while unpacking how music and smell drag us through time. A magic alarm clock thought experiment forces tradeoffs between perfect sleep and real life. Absurd TV and stunt pitches lead to a wildly improbable naked-airdrop idea. A rapid-fire Cymru connecting challenge shows off uncanny social links. A made-up music bluffing game ends in ridiculous fake song titles.

It’s all Hits and Mems today as we imagine two media worlds that John Robins could have inhabited. These being: Bristol local radio (1-4pm) and the manosphere. Traffic, travel and the afternoon countdown to the pub, or grifting? Two forks in the road he could have gone down, but thankfully hasn’t. Safe to say his imagination is in fervent overdrive as we also hear of a world where he has $10 million… and won an Oscar. But what of Elis? Well he may have a heart attack. We also receive a right of reply from a disgraced Global Radio employee trying to clear his name, and there’s an all time great Mad Dad story of a father in a cultural vacuum. Do you possess anything mildly amusing which could pique our interest? Well elisandjohn@bbc.co.uk is the place to send it. And do get on the blooming Bureau on a Saturday why don’t you?

The confidence of one of the great confidence players takes a battering this week. What starts off as some light-hearted fun around the London Marathon (after Johnny JR reveals some exciting news), turns into a head-in-hands moment that curses Elis for the entirety of today’s show. How does his misstep affect his Cymru Connecting performance? Will the unassailable points gap in Made Up Games get even more unassailable? It’s all to play for. Elsewhere, John’s imagined a world that almost leaves him in tears, and there’s a TV-worthy MUG that’s more tense than this show’s compliance meeting with BBC bosses after hearing John’s supermarket docu-drama last week… You can contribute to the Elis and John canon by emailing elisandjohn@bbc.co.uk.

The studio is wafting with sandalwood and intense male musk because Dave’s got a new scent, something which is causing John much nasal fascination. But yet again, the big story is a huge Elis James week. What a run he’s on by the way. He’s had a completely genuine standing ovation at one of London’s coolest comedy gigs. Further still, he’s performed the finest bit of house jobbery he’s ever done, with plumbing tape elevating this above Mega Week. Elsewhere, Adrian brings the boys some significant crispy content and John’s even sacking people who no longer work with him. We also have potentially our most round about chat ever in addressing some correspondence. From cumin and white pepper into the meaning of creativity to horses and penguins, back to the email. Want to add to the larder of email content? Well get it to elisandjohn@bbc.co.uk And do check out Saturday’s Bureau for crying out loud. Only on BBC Sounds.

John Robins feels enormous. His Christmas Day, Ryder Cup and Tax Deadline Day have all come at once. That’s right, a new supermarket has opened near his house, and he’s primed and ready to make content that no one else would dream of making. Strap in for some gonzo journalism; it’s Fear and Loathing in Rural Bucks.Supermarket excitement aside, we tackle the big questions: Did Elizabeth I wish she’d had meal deals? Did she resent not having a fridge, or Tetris, or yoghurt? What would Henry VIII have made of an air fryer?Plus, Elis’s Welshness gets him in hypothetical hot water.Get in touch via the world’s most reliable medium: email. It’s elisandjohn@bbc.co.uk.

What do Sir Steve Redgrave, Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, Nelson Mandela, Gandhi, David Beckham and John Robins have in common? None of them were asked on QI. Elis has though, and it’s clearly going down very very well with all parties. But today feels significant as we rope in a special guest to digest Elis hammering his friend using his fast twitch fibres. On top of that, John’s having a big day - something which others seriously doubt. “He’s probably just had too much hot sauce on his scrambled egg,” cries Dave. Wrong! In fact he’s being texted by a ghost curry house. Elsewhere the boys ask Adrian *all* the questions you’ve ever wanted to know, and we get a bit nostalgic as John talks of the only cool thing he’s ever done. Email us on elisandjohn@bbc.co.uk Remember, the Bureau is available Saturday morning *only on* BBC Sounds.

John is not going to dance to their tune. Who’s tune? The people who design the layouts of supermarkets, that’s who. Sure, they can play their seductive little ditties, but Johnny JR ain’t dancing. But someone who is dancing to a tune is Elis James, and that tune is Welsh music (general). With St David’s Day having just passed, the pressure is on Elis to contribute to the national mood. Can he turn around a poor run of form in the Cymru Connection, or will he besmirch the good name of Wales around its big day? Elsewhere, Elis dives headfirst into a cognitive decline casserole, the boys riff a future award-winning feature on the fly, and we take a welcome trip back down the Shame Well. Send in your missives to elisandjohn@bbc.co.uk.

Elis is in the middle of a megaweek. He’s about to do a 100m race for charity that he wishes could be 18 yards, he’s been to 10 Downing Street because Sir Keir is in love with him, and he’s been accosted by a roomful of Welsh people wanting to connect with him.But amongst all this he has also been betrayed. For there was a Paul McCartney-based event that he wasn’t invited to, despite another member of the team making the guest list.But what about John? He’s been doing what he does everyday; checking the price of Bitcoin. This despite not ever having owned any.Plus, there’s an update on the WhatsApp community and another cap in the feather of the world’s greatest invention; e-mail.If you want to get in touch via this great unparalleled medium, then send your messages to elisandjohn@bbc.co.uk.

Elis has Barrel of Eggs’ed it. Or more accurately, Isy has. The new car has met its match in the form of inner-London car park tight corners. But for a show that holds content on the highest pedestal possible, this can only be seen as a good thing. Not only has Elis got a damaged car, but he also has a damaged connection rate in the Cymru Connection. Can youth-based listener Holly be the ticket Elis needs to do a three point turn and drive straight up Success Alley? Elsewhere there’s an abundance of fun as both Benjamin Partridge and Lou Sanders give their two cents on hot air balloons and the glowing-up of Elis James respectively, John does some winning and losing, and a trip to the sound proof booth causes Elis to do some very strange things…Keep watering the soil of content by sending in your fantastic correspondence to elisandjohn@bbc.co.uk.