Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

For years, I have been talking with clients about the important balance between assertiveness and consideration. Many times, people are too afraid to assert themselves because they have fear of seeming mean, domineering, or controlling. Yet, if you do not assert yourself at all, it is likely you will feel unhappy with your partner and within your relationship. BALANCED ASSERTIVENESS When coaching clients I will sometimes put assertiveness on a high-to-low scale. On one end, you have someone who is high in assertiveness and low in consideration for others. They may neglect to think about others and they may appear to be self-involved and self-centered. On the other end of the scale, you have someone who is low in assertiveness and high in consideration. They may be so considerate of others' needs that they do not advocate for themselves because they feel it is inappropriate to assert their needs. Or they may be so focused on others that they don't even know what they want. Both ends of the scale are out of balance. The goal is to be both assertive and considerate in relationship. (These are my Empowered Relationship podcast notes. Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.) One of the tools that I sometimes use with couples is an assessment titled Prepare – Enrich. The test results help identify a couple's strengths and weaknesses so that the couple can work to improve and strengthen their relationship. The assessment is called Prepare – Enrich because it helps engaged couples prepare for marriage and helps married couples enrich their relationship. Here are some interesting research findings from Prepare – Enrich: KEYS TO SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS Prepare – Enrich identifies four key relationship dynamics that affect the success of a couple: Assertiveness – the ability to express one's feelings and ask for what one wants. Self-Confidence – how good one feels about oneself and their ability to accomplish what they want in life. Avoidance – the tendency to minimize issues and reluctance to deal with issues directly. Partner Dominance – how much one feels controlled or dominated by their partner. A Positive Cycle Shows: Being assertive builds self-confidence. Being self-confident builds assertiveness. A Negative Cycle Shows: Avoidance increases the feeling or experience of partner dominance. Feeling as though your partner is dominating and controling increases avoidance. Those That Score High In Assertiveness: Score higher in self-confidence Tend to like the personality of their partner Feel good about their communication and conflict resolution skills Score lower in avoidance and partner dominance Those That Score High In Avoidance: Score higher in partner dominance Tend to dislike the personality of their partner Are less satisfied with their communication and conflict resolution skills Score lower in self confidence and assertiveness If you struggle with being assertive in relationship, then chances are you may struggle with self-confidence too. I encourage you to take one step towards practicing being assertive. This step could be something small like voicing your preference for dinner. Or you may want to spend some time thinking about what you would say if you were to advocate for your needs in relationship on bigger topics. I understand this is easier said than done, especially if you have had very little support or encouragement to articulate your needs. If you would like to support in becoming more assertive in relationship, please contact me. I would be happy to help. MENTIONED Prepare – Enrich If you are interested in taking the Prepare – Enrich test for your relationship, email me at jessica@drjessicahiggins.com. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in how to gain self-confidence in your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to meet relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Relationships sometimes fail or end. When they do, it's easy to doubt whether or not you are doomed to be unhappy in love. Recently, a listener submitted a question, "Is it possible to have a successful ...

JEALOUSY IN MARRIAGE AND LOVE RELATIONSHIPS Mali Apple and Joe Dunn are authors, coaches, lovers, and best friends. Their bestselling book, The Soulmate Experience: A Practical Guide to Creating Extraordinary Relationships has helped thousands of people around the world create relationships that are deeply connected emotionally, spiritually, and sexually. The sequel, The Soulmate Lover: A Guide to Passionate and Lasting Love, Sex, and Intimacy explores everything from connecting with your sexual energy to using sexual healing to transform challenges into heart-opening pleasure recently won the 2015 National Indie Excellence Award for Sexuality. In this podcast episode, Mali and Joe talk about why we feel jealous, what you can do to work with it, and more importantly, how to transform it into connection and passion. (These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.) Key Points from Mali & Joe's Interview: 95% of feelings of jealousy occur when there is NO risk going on in the relationship (i.e. a partner is having an affair). For jealousy in marriage, the feeling can range from a small impulse to very intense and overwhelming sensations. Self-exploration is important. Ask yourself, "Where are the jealous feelings coming from?" Look at past experiences of abandonment, relationship, and low self-esteem to help find your answers. It's easy to think: "You shouldn't be doing that because I make myself feel uncomfortable when you do that. Because of all the things I tell myself that it means." How to become the watcher of what you tell yourself when you start feeling jealousy come up. 'What lack do I feel inside myself and how can I address that? " How to see your partner as a sexy, attractive, and unique individual. We build trust through experiences with our partner, being able to talk openly and honestly. The importance of both inner security and relationship security (safe and strong connection). You are free to admire other attractive people. You can be yourself. Find a way to expand who you are within your own marriage or love relationship. There are foundational principles of acceptance in love relationships. Commitments that are self-oriented. There is never a guarantee in a marriage, love relationship, or in life. The paradox of connection and freedom. MENTIONED: Mali & Joe's website The Soulmate Experience The Soulmate Experience: A Practical Guide to Creating Extraordinary Relationships The Soulmate Lover: A Guide to Passionate and Lasting Love, Sex, and Intimacy Mali & Joe's YouTube channel Turkey to New Years: 35 Day Challenge (Facebook event) Jessie's website: Jessie Rose Strength & Health Gay & Katie Hendricks If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in overcoming fear and jealousy in marriage/love relationships! I believe in your success! Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to meet relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or getting some relationship coaching.

COMPETING IN A RELATIONSHIP Competition is wonderful in many ways. However, when we get stuck in habitual patterns of a competitive mindset, it can bring stress and strain to our lives and romantic relationships. A competitive mindset assumes limited resources and opportunities, resulting in an "I have to get mine" attitude. Being in a competitive mindset can lead to a survival mentality. You begin to think that in order to win, you have to beat others – survival of the fittest. This is also a fear based mindset. When fear sets in, we start to view the world differently. NEGATIVE BASIS From an evolutionary standpoint, humans are prone to having a negative basis. Having a negative basis helps us pay attention to negative and painful events so that we will learn and be more prepared to handle threats. In doing so, we may be able to better protect ourselves. The downside to this negative basis is that it's easy to overlook our strengths, assets, resources, and opportunities because all of our attention is focused on the negative. When we focus on the negative, it is easy to become reactive and more fearful, responding to situations from a protective and competitive approach. When we emphasize the negative, we miss the whole picture. HOW DO YOU MOVE FROM COMPETITION TO CREATIVITY IN A RELATIONSHIP? How do you begin to shift your mindset? The most personal and profound way that I know is through Gratitude. As we shift our attention to what we are grateful for, we will recognize more positivity for that we have been previously overlooking or ignoring. We will acknowledge more resources and opportunities in our partnership. We will begin to feel more relaxed and more regulated. We feel empowered and less threatened, and we start believing in a more generative outcome. "Abilities wither under faultfinding, blossom under encouragement." ~ Donald A. Laird EXERCISE FOR WAYS TO BE CREATIVE IN A RELATIONSHIP Start with your own inner universe. Can you think of an area in your love life where you are feeling constricted, competitive, or fearful? Notice how you feel. Now, shift your attention to something you are grateful for. Take a moment to stay with the gratitude. Do you notice a shift? WHAT STOPS US FROM BEING CREATIVE IN A RELATIONSHIP? Cultivating an environment of appreciation often doesn't come naturally and easily. Many of us do not express appreciation to our partner because: We think it is childish. It feels awkward and unfamiliar. We assume we are stating the obvious. We forget. We think it is cliché. HOW TO SHOW GRATITUDE IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP When we share our appreciation in a romantic relationship, it has a powerful impact on others. Appreciation is the expression of gratitude. 5 to 1 John Gottman, a psychologist and researcher, offers a formula for happy relationships. He claims that for every negative expression in a relationship (a complaint, frown, put-down, expression of anger) there needs to be about five positive expressions (smiles, compliments, laughter, expressions of appreciation and gratitude) to counter balance the mindset. Ideas to Express Gratitude in a Relationship: Ask your partner to share one thing they are grateful for and then give one appreciation to them. Get out some paper and pens. Set a timer for 3 mins. Ask your partner to try and come up with 100 things they are grateful for. Then, invite her/him to share one or as many they are comfortable with sharing. MENTIONED The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert, by John Gottman (book) If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving the quality of your romantic relationship! I believe in your success! Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please post one by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome your relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or getting some relationship coaching.

OVERCOMING FEAR IN RELATIONSHIPS As a former US Air Force Captain, Bryan Reeves has now become an internationally renowned blogger, life and relationship coach and public speaker after hurling himself into the transformational fires of intimate relationships over and over and over again. With a Masters Degree in Human Relations and massive insight gleaned through countless adventures, Bryan now coaches men, women and couples in creating thriving lives and relationships. In this episode, Bryan talks with us about his article "You're Ready For All of Her, You're a Goddamn Warrior." He encourages us to recognize how easily we can buy into the story that our achievements and accomplishments determine our worth. When we rely on external validation, we lose our center and crumble with every criticism. He inspires us to let go of our fear for love relationships and connect with our deepest purpose – Self Love. (These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.) Bryan addresses the: Story that your external accomplishments and achievements are what define your worth. False self-truth: "If I don't have money, I am not worthy of love." Paradox between caring too much and not caring. Feminine energy is often inviting the masculine energy to come into heart. Beautiful process for navigating the masculine or navigating the feminine. "We are missing the deepest truth about what we are here to do, that is to serve love. ~ Bryan Reeves" MENTIONED: Choose Her Every Day (Or Leave Her) (blog) You're Ready For All of Her, You're a Goddamn Warrior (blog) Bryan Reeves' website If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in overcoming fear in relationships! I believe in your success! Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to meet relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or getting some relationship coaching.

GOOD INTENTIONS IN A RELATIONSHIP Stuart Fensterheim, LCSW has been a couples counselor for over 30 years. He graduated with a Master of Social Work in 1985 from the University of Maryland and specializes with couples using EFT. He believes that with a power of love and relationships as the basis of all of our happiness, and without a connected relationship, people suffer in their lives. Stuart's focus is on changing the world one relationship at a time. Stuart is also the host of The Couples Expert Podcast. In this episode, Stuart talks with us about how to be more create good intentions in a relationship, especially when we are having hurt feelings or issues with our partner. He identifies the importance of rethinking our negative interpretations so that we can set the stage for more connection in our love relationships. (These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.) Stuart recommends these practices for setting an intention for a relationship: Question your negative interpretations of your partner. Ask yourself, "how does this interpretation help?" Take control of your assumptions. Take a risk and work to disprove your assumptions. Be open and vulnerable about your relationship needs. Recognize "primal pain" or hurt that gets activated in a love relationship. Communicate to show your partner how much they mean to you. MENTIONED: The Couples Expert Podcast (iTunes) Stuart Fensterheim's Website If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for being interested in setting good intentions in a relationship! I believe in your success! Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please click here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to meet your relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Last week, I talked about Why Criticism Is So Painful In Relationship and why criticism is so problematic. I addressed what is happening when we get stuck in cycles of criticism and defensiveness in your love relationship. Today, I talk about How To Shift Criticism Into Powerful Communication, and I have two resources to give to you. (These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.) 1-PAGE RELATIONSHIP GUIDE: Shifting Criticism To Maintain A Healthy Relationship (visit www.drjessicahiggins.com). This 1-page relationship guide is a quick and easy reference tool for transforming constant criticism in a relationship. It offers a side-by-side comparison of what a critical approach looks like versus a more constructive approach. Most of us know being critical is not the best approach, but we do not know what to do instead. This relationship guide is helpful because it gives you examples of what you can do instead of being critical. There are 21 examples provided on this 1-page PDF. Example: Let's say I don't want to eat dessert for 3 weeks. If my goal is to feel healthy and have more energy, I will want to know how I can work towards that goal. While I know I don't want to eat any dessert, I don't know what TO do instead of eating dessert. It is helpful to think about what I am going to do ahead of time, so when I get a craving, I will be more prepared. When I have a craving, instead of eating a dessert I can: Drink a glass of water Ask myself, "what am I really wanting right now?" I might be tired and want a nap. I might feel lethargic and need a walk. I might feel lonely and want to call a friend. Eat a piece of fruit It is important to think about these strategies ahead of time. In the moment, we are not going to be thinking about alternative ways of approaching the situation. What are the qualities you want in your relationship, especially if there is constant criticism? What is the result you want to achieve? Describe your ideal relationship environment (i.e. a relationship that is constructive, safe, supportive, encouraging, etc.). 17 WAYS TO SHIFT CRITICISM IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP: In this article, 17 Ways to Shift Criticism In Your Relationship, I offer 17 different strategies for you to consider to shift your critical behavior. Whereas the relationship guide (mentioned above) is more of a reference tool, this is an article that offers explanations to the suggestions and recommendations. Underneath critical behavior, there are usually a few themes going on. Here are three: 1. Learned habits and patterning. 2. Not feeling good enough 3. Not trusting needs will be met HOW TO REPLACE CRITICISM WITH CONSTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR Both the 1-page resource guide: Shifting Criticism To Maintain A Healthy Relationship and article: 17 Ways to Shift Criticism In Your Relationship provide several suggestions and examples of how to replace criticism with constructive behavior. Here are three ways to work with what might be going on underneath the critical tendency: 1. Reset your critical imprint. Identify the people in your life that were critical. Choose to adopt a different mindset and create new habits. Retrain yourself through repetition and practice. 2. Develop more self-worth. Foster a supportive inner voice. Attend to your fears and difficult emotions in a nurturing way (i.e. anxiety and anger). Look for ways to acknowledge and appreciate yourself and your contributions. Gain the belief that you are good enough and worthy. 3. Identifying your needs and ask your partner proactively for what you need and want. In last week's episode, I provided examples of how to turn a critical comment into a proactive statement. This requires developing some assertiveness. Also, here is a communication exercise that will provide guidance for these types of conversations. Only when we feel comfortable with our own choices — and embrace our own imperfections — will we stop feeling the driving need to criticize others. ~ Brene Brown Powerful communication begins to occur when we can put these more constructive approaches into practice. Imagine how your relationship would be different if: You felt respected, valued, worthy within your relationship You and your partner were in the practice of asking one another for what you want and need, within conversations that are productive and harmonious. You and your partner work together to create outcomes that are mutually beneficial. Your relationship environment is constructive, positive, and considerate. You and your partner are growing and learning together so that you can continue to develop a strong, secure, and loving relationship. 7 DAY CHALLENGE – AN INVITATION: 1. Download the 1-page guide: visit www.drjessicahiggins.com 2. Choose one strategy to work with for one week. Select a constructive approach to focus on and implement. When you catch yourself feeling critical, use this constructive approach instead of the critical one. This can be done individually or as a couple (listen to podcast episode for more explanation). 3. Check-in after 7 days. How did it go? What worked well? What didn't work well? 4. Share how it went. You can contact me here, or you can leave a comment below. You can participate anonymously. I will honor your confidence. We can all learn from each other. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in eliminating criticism and improving the quality of your relationship! I believe in your relationship success! Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review if you would be willing to click here. Thank you! Are you interested in getting support to shift your level of criticism in relationship? If so, you can contact me here. Let's have a conversation to see how I might be able to help. No obligations.

CONSTANT CRITICISM IN RELATIONSHIP IS SO PAINFUL Most of us know that criticism is not the best behavior to use when relating to our significant others. Yet, we still struggle with it and resorting to the approach when we're unhappy. When we feel challenged by something, it is easy to address the issue by complaining or criticizing. In this podcast, I provide explanations why we criticize the ones we love the most. If you recognize ways in which you might be critical, try to make an internal shift to have an attitude of exploration. Ask yourself "how come I get critical sometimes?" Usually, we learn how to be critical along the way from our family or friends. We do the best we can, but we don't have a better way of addressing our concerns. In my recent article, How To Know If You Are Too Critical In Relationship And Why, I offered 10 signs to identify whether or not you may be more critical than you think. In the article, I addressed 16 reasons why people are highly critical, which will help you understand the reasons why you might be critical too. (Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.) 3 OF THE 10 SIGNS OF BEING CRITICAL: You are very critical of yourself when you make a mistake (i.e. what do you automatically tell yourself when you make a mistake?). If you are highly critical of yourself, then you are likely to be more critical of others. Examples: "What an idiot! Ugh, I suck! I can't do anything nice. So stupid." You micromanage. You have a hard time letting go. If your partner didn't complete a task in your preferred way, you will go afterward and fix it to your liking. It is easier to find fault than praise. You will find the flaw rather than focus on the positives. "I give feedback; you're critical. I'm firm; you're stubborn. I'm flexible; you're wishy-washy. I'm in touch with my feelings; you're hysterical!" ~ Steven Stosny 3 OF THE 16 REASONS WHY YOU MIGHT BE CRITICAL: You think if you can manage the world around you, you'll feel less anxious and/or vulnerable (or out-of-control). It is hard to look inward at your own internal discomfort (i.e. feeling anxious or not good enough). Being critical of others helps you feel in power and dominant focusing on others weaknesses or shortcomings. You grew up in a critical environment, and it was learned behavior. WHY CRITICISM IS PROBLEMATIC IN A LOVE RELATIONSHIP: Criticism is expressed through disapproval, critiquing, correcting, blaming, nitpicking, or trying to fix your partner. It is also a major predictor of divorce, according to John Gottman, a major couples researcher. Criticism is usually the culprit of other destructive behaviors. When someone hears criticism, they have a natural response to feel defensive or to shut down. In more extreme cases, criticism leads to feelings of hurt and disdain. "Even in stable, happy relationships: When conflict begins with hostility, defensive sequences result" ~ John M. Gottman How do we get into this mess? Many of us lead with a complaint or criticism when we talk to our partner about a concern. However, underneath the complaint or criticism, we have an important need, feeling, or desire. Many of us are sensitive to criticism. Being criticized brings up feelings of feeling bad, being in the wrong, inadequacy, shame, hurt, injustice, etc. We get defensive and push back on the critical statement, by providing evidence as to why the critical statement is not true. EXAMPLE: Husband: "You never clean the kitchen." Wife: "Yes, I do. I just cleaned the kitchen last night." Husband: "Sure, you cleaned the kitchen once and you expect that to mean you carry your load." Wife: "What! You don't think I carry the load in our family." Now they are off and running. As you can see, the conversation is escalating quickly. The couple is reacting and defending, which could easily lead to attacking each other. Yet, they are not addressing the underlying needs or concerns. Over and over again, I see examples of this being played out in love relationships. The complaint or criticism could be about a whole number of issues, like: Amount of time spent together The quality or quantity of the sexual connection How decisions are getting made Financial approach, process, and standing Chores and responsibilities Handling extended family, etc. One person addresses a concern without knowing what their underlying need is and they approach their partner by criticizing them. Their partner gets defensive and the cycle ensues. They are missing each other. They are not talking about the most important aspects of the issue. Thus, the conversation escalates and both partners leave the conversation feeling attacked, misunderstood, and lonely. This dynamic can be particularly difficult when one or both partners are feeling threatened on a deeper level. Feeling threatened can activate a person's fight, flight, or freeze response as well as attachment insecurities. The importance of the need can vary in intensity. It can be helpful to ask each other, "how important is this to you, on a scale from 1 to 10?" Most of us want our partner to just get it and interpret what we are saying and feeling, even though we are not explicitly stating it. Can you imagine how the conversation would be different with these statements if they were communicated at the beginning of the conversation? EXAMPLES: A concern about time: Fear/worry/feeling: I am worried you don't enjoy spending time with me. Desire: I would like to spend some time with you. Need: I want to feel close and connected to you. A concern about sex: Fear/worry/feeling: I feel sad when you don't want to make love. Desire: I want to feel connected with you sexually. Need: I want to have a healthy sex life. A concern about decision-making: Fear/worry/feeling: I feel angry when you make big decisions without me. Desire: I want us to come together when we have big decisions to make. Need: I want to feel equality in our relationship. I help clients go through the process of identifying how they feel, take ownership for their experience, and voice their desires and feelings to their partner. The shift is powerful!!! The communication is clean and clear. Their partner can actually hear the message directly and more openly, without getting defensive. Next week, I will offer you tips on how to shift criticism into powerful communication. I will also talk about the benefits of creating a more constructive and non-critical learning environment for your relationship. Are you interested in getting support to end constant criticism in your relationship? If so, you can contact me here. Let's have a conversation to see how I might be able to help. No obligations. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for being interested in improving the quality of your relationship! I believe in your relationship success! Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review, if you would be willing to click here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to meet relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or getting some relationship coaching.

Getting a "no" can be incredibly painful as it can bring up rejection issues in relationships. In this podcast episode, you will learn what happens when you get a frequent "no" in a love relationship and how you can deal with that "no" in a more healthy and non-threatening way. (Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.) WHAT IS A "NO?" Emotionally checking out or emotionally leaving the relationship Ultimatums and doubts, such as "yes – but" Break-up or divorce WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE GET A "NO" People feel triggered and activated by love. People don't know how to deal with their reactions so they behave unskillfully. People don't have a growth mindset – where they can see their love relationship as an opportunity for healing, integration, or development. HOW TO DEAL WITH REJECTION IN LOVE RELATIONSHIPS Know yourself – better understand what you desire and what you want. Value yourself – value your worth, qualities, and contributions. Be a "yes" to you – accept and stand for what you want and desire. MENTIONED: Enchanted Love, by Marianne Williamson (book) What Does The Development Of Intimacy Look Like In Relationship (article) Nine Destructive Behaviors To Avoid During Relationship Conflict (article) If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in eliminating rejection issues in your love relationship! I believe in your relationship success! Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or getting some relationship coaching.

LISTENING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP Applying listening skills in an intimate relationship is not realistic in every moment you are together. However, if you can show up for your partner on occasion (especially when they have strong feelings about something) then this type of deep listening can transform the quality of your relationship, helping you feel closer, connected, and more intimate. It's easy to think you are listening but are you really? When you know your partner so well, it is likely you can look at them and read their cues and have a pretty good sense of what is going on. However, if you don't pause to deeply listen, you can get into the position of assuming or missing your partner completely. (This page contains my podcast show notes. Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.) LISTENING IN RELATIONSHIP IS NOT: Waiting to talk Interrupting Judging or evaluating Offering advice or solutions Agreeing or disagreeing Assuming you know Multitasking, being distracted, or preoccupied HOW TO LISTEN BETTER IN A RELATIONSHIP: Offer your undivided attention, where your focus is exclusively on your partner and you are giving your full attention Give good eye contact Be engaged and offer non-verbal cues (i.e. head nodding, utterances) Be present – focus on the here and now Be available and receptive Offer genuine interest and curiosity Be patient Appreciate your partner's perspective Seek to understand and look for the sense and positive aspect. BENEFITS OF LISTENING SKILLS IN RELATIONSHIP: Keeps you from getting defensive Helps you suspend judgement Prevents misunderstandings Helps you gain new information, as well as learn something new Offers the opportunity to find a shared goal or common ground Helps your partner know they will feel heard and understood Helps your partner feel important, special, and that they matter to you Demonstrates you are there for them Creates intimacy, closeness, and strengthens the emotional bond Offers goodwill HOW TO LISTEN BETTER IN A RELATIONSHIP: Ask for the time Be explicit and state your desire for listening – don't want feedback or suggestions. Do not interrupt your partner's activity and expect or demand that they listen immediately. You want to offer respect and consideration while asking for a moment of their time. If your partner is wanting your attention right away and you need more time to respond, state that you need a moment to think about it. Try to listen only when you are in a good position. If you have limited energy to give, schedule another time. HOW TO OFFER ACTIVE LISTENING IN RELATIONSHIP. HERE ARE SOME RESPONSES TO CONSIDER: "I am interested in what you are saying, would you like to say more? Can you tell me more?" Ask a question to learn more. Offer reflection of the content and emotion. "Wow, that sounds frustrating." "I am getting that ______." Check out what you are hearing, or clarify "So, you are saying is ___________." "If I imagine myself in that situation, I would feel ________________." "What is the hardest part? What is the most significant part to you?" "What are you really wanting me to get?" "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." ― Maya Angelou If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in how to listen better in a relationship! I believe in your relationship success! Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review if you would be willing to click here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to meet relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or getting some relationship coaching.