Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

FREE STRATEGY SESSIONS – A FEW SPACES LEFT! A Gift: A few weeks ago, I announced a complimentary strategy session (to the first 40 people) to help you learn effective strategies to improve your relationship! To book your session and discover the keys to keeping your relationship strong, just email me and let me know when is a good time for you and your significant other. LISTENER'S QUESTION: "You've done some wonderful work on avoiding or transfiguring critique… if you're the one giving it. However, what if you're on the receiving end, and your partner is constantly looking for faults? How would you turn that around? My first instinct was to break up with her, that her mind has been poisoned with the opinions of others. Key members of her family/friends thought I was a bit too weird and awkward, socially inept, even inappropriate. Growing up in small towns, smaller schools, and being a techie… judgmental city folk like that really don't get me. Initially we agreed that I see a therapist and read some social skills books, since I'm compliant, an advocate of self-improvement. Eventually, it started bothering me. About a year of that was enough, and I started standing up for myself, just straight up saying no sometimes, refusing the critique outright even. She went distant after that, and two months later, she broke things off." (These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.) TIPS: 1. Trust Yourself Listen to your gut instinct and/or inner wisdom. Acknowledge your needs. Be honest about fit when dating and exploring relationship potential (i.e. values, desires, etc.). 2. Ask Curious Questions Get to know her experience. Learn what she is thinking, feeling, and desiring. What is underneath her complaint? For example, "What would me washing my hands differently do for you? What would it allow you to feel?" 3. Set Limits And Boundaries Do not engage in dynamics that are hurtful. Set a standard for respect. Don't participate in communication that does not feel good to you. Participate in communication that is constructive. 4. Redirect And Ask For Constructive Communication Let her know what type of communication you are interested in. Let her know you want to hear her experience in a constructive way. Communication your needs and desires around this topic. 5. Practice Self-Validation Acknowledge your positive characteristics and qualities. Appreciate what you have to offer. Validate your worthiness. TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: What To Do When You Are Feeling Criticized In Relationship. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in learning about improving your communication patterns in your love relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

ACT NOW – SPOTS ARE FILLING UP! A Gift: For the first 40 people who contact me, I am offering a complimentary strategy session to help you learn effective strategies for how to improve your relationship! To book your session and discover the keys to keeping your relationship strong, just email me and let me know when is a good time for you and your significant other. LISTENER'S QUESTION: "If I see that every morning when I work from home my partner is rushing to get the kids out the door to daycare and is 5 or so minutes late, every time. She is able to stay in the home. I pay all the bills. I also know that this is happening on days when I am not there. It is very hard to rush 3-5 Yo's, things just take time. I think she needs to get out of bed at 7:30 instead of 8 to give herself (and the kids) more time so she can start some of the process's earlier. Usually I am gone to work as I leave the house at 6:30. I think this would alleviate the stress or being late every day. I'm worried that suggesting such a thing would cause a "conflict" where she would be mad at me. So therefore I won't say anything. I guess I just don't know how to be. I really like/want to talk discuss everything and she doesn't. I realized that her and I have different definitions of peace. She feels peaceful when there is no "confrontation" even if that means we don't talk. I want to talk about everything. I want to work through everything and have all our feelings out on the table. I'm very much and extrovert and she is an introvert, in terms of wanting to interact physically or emotionally. I feel like we are so different. Our conversations always go so poorly, I end up feeling like I'm so wrong and in order to have the closeness that I crave I just "can't say anything". I'm not even clear on what is reasonable or ok to say/suggest." TIPS: 1. Recognize Differences in You and Your Partner's Style and Pacing Extrovert's are typically comfortable verbally and processing aloud. Introvert's are usually more comfortable reflecting and processing internally. 2.Make Room for Your Partner. Slow down so that you can connect with your partner. Listen for the emotional tone of your partner and try to attune to them. Strive for collaboration. 3. Gain Awareness Notice opinions or judgements. What is it like for me when she is late? What would her being on time allow me to feel? What is it that I am wanting or needing? Is this something that I can accept? (This question may give you a better sense of your boundaries.) 4. Get Curious What is her experience in the morning? What does being late do for her (Is she needing more sleep? Is she needing a deadline to motivate her in the morning? Is she used to running on adrenaline and stress?) Get to know her experience more fully. 5. Work Towards Constructive Communication How can communicating feel comfortable for both of you? Practice relational communication Talk about you and your feelings rather than expressing judgments or opinions of your partner. Relational communication is very different from other types of communication that you might use at work or in other areas of your life. Get support to create a new communication patterns. MENTIONED: A Step-by-Step Guide To Turn Any Argument Into Effective Communication (article) Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (book) Meetup groups and meetings (website) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: How To Bridge A Communication Gap With Your Partner. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in learning about improving your communication patterns in your love relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! A special gift: For the first 40 people who contact me, I am offering a complimentary strategy session to help you learn effective strategies for how to improve your relationship! To book your session and discover the keys to keeping your relationship strong, just email me and let me know when is a good time for you and your significant other. LISTENER'S QUESTION: "I know that walking on eggshells is a bad thing. Because whether or not you are doing it, the issue will come up eventually, and if put off it will only be more dramatic later. I've always been such an assertive person, but lately, with my girlfriend, I've not been emotionally assertive. That frustrates my girlfriend and it makes me shame myself. So a couple of things, I know that I need to not shame myself, and I don't want to be emotionally unassertive. Like I make too many assumptions about how she 'might' react to something. Avoid Then I get caught in this terrible spiral. I don't want to burden her with my problems, so I'm walking on eggshells, and then when I finally do tell her, another issue has arisen because I have not been good about being clear with what I need and want. Like this has happened a few other times in the past when I am upset by something she's done but have not addressed the issue right away, tried to take off some of the pressure and heat from the situation by sitting on the feeling for a few days. I don't know why I do this and I don't want to do it. And then I realize that in my fear of bothering her and in my head thinking she won't want to be with me, I exacerbate the situation even more and it feeds into itself . Which sucks. My main question for you is, do you have any tips for how I can let my gf know that I am assertive, emotionally and otherwise, and how I can stop myself from shaming myself for having needs? " INITIAL THOUGHTS: Emphasizing Your Best Parts – In dating, it is common to want to show the best parts of yourself. However, if you are too preoccupied with saying and doing the right thing, you run the risk of hiding and concealing who you really are in relationship. If this continues, you don't have the opportunity to build a solid foundation for an authentic relationship. Men Revealing Emotional Needs – When it comes to revealing emotions, men sometimes have a little more difficult time sharing their inner world. Stereotypically, men are taught to be strong and independent. Therefore, it can be a little uncomfortable and unfamiliar for men to discuss their emotional needs and desires proactively. Relationship Model – Thinking about who you want to be in relationship and what you want your relationship to be like can be a helpful. If you know you want to have open communication in your relationship, than you will be more motivated to broach a topic with your partner. Interdependence – Relationships involve some level of reciprocity. "The healthiest way we can interact with those close to us is by being truly interdependent. This is where two people, both strong individuals, are involved with each other, but without sacrificing themselves or compromising their values." ~ Barton Goldsmith Ph.D. Feeling Worthy – Being in relationship involves receiving, as well as giving. Do you feel worthy of receiving your partners love? Being Seen – Having needs and preferences, allows your partner to know you and experience you. Also, expressing your desires with your partner gives you an opportunity to see how they will show up. Giving Yourself A Chance – Not sharing with your partner out of fear of rejection is like rejecting yourself before your partner has a chance to reject you. Believe me, I understand how scary and vulnerable it is to share what is honest and real, especially when you don't know how it will be received. However, I imagine you ultimately want to be in a relationship where you are loved….not for being perfect, but for being you. TIPS: 1. Awareness: be clear about how you feel and what you want. 2. Acceptance: What if you accepted your experience as just a part of your process without blame or shame? What if you focused on being real and honest? What if it were all okay? Would you be able to have more compassion and acceptance with yourself? 3. Being Communicative: Proactively sharing with your partner (listen to episode to hear examples). Communicating with your partner creates a climate where it is safe to talk about uncomfortable and difficult topics. Together you will be building a foundation for a lasting relationship. 4. Act With Future Relationship In Mind: What kind of relationship are you wanting to build? Is the relationship reciprocal and interdependent? Is it honest and real? These types of qualities require an investment. If you focus on the long-term benefit 9of what your relationship will be like down the road), you will be more interested in putting forth the effort. TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: How To Build Emotional Assertiveness In Relationship If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about building emotional assertiveness in love relationships. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EMPOWERED RELATIONSHIP! A special gift: For the first 40 people that contact me, I am offering a complimentary strategy session to help you learn effective strategies for how to improve your relationship! To book your session and discover the keys to keeping your relationship strong, just email me and let me know when is a good time for you and your significant other. LISTENER'S QUESTION: "In pondering my relationship issues, I wondered how much of it is related to childhood insufficiencies or lack of ideal parenting. In my search, I found an article about attachment styles. I found myself in the anxious insecure attachment style. l also identified my soon to be ex husband's attachment style and my current boyfriend's attachment style. What the article does not address very much is how do we overcome those needs that weren't met in childhood so that we can be more complete adults now and therefore have healthy relationships." ADULT ATTACHMENT RESEARCH Much of the empirical research in the field of attachment is based on the pioneering theoretical work of John Bowlby(1969/1973/1980). Bowlby's attachment theory was founded upon evolutionary principles and developed from his research in observing the emotional and behavioral reactions of infants when separated from their primary caregiver. Attachment responses are designed to keep infants in close proximity to their caregivers, which help keep them safe and protected from harm. These emotional and behavioral responses are a part of the complex constellation called an attachment system. Any type of threat to the stability of existing attachment bonds is thought to activate the attachment system (Bowlby, 1969), and people differ systematically in the way they cope with distress and regulate feelings of security (Bowlby, 1973). Another goal of the attachment system is to promote the sense of "felt security" (Treboux et al., 2004, p. 295), which is the perception that an attachment figure is both available and responsive (Bowlby, 1969). Sustaining this sense of felt security is thought to be critical for maintaining satisfying, close attachment bonds (Bowlby, 1969). (These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.) HOW TO EARN A SECURE ATTACHMENT STYLE: 1. Gain awareness of your attachment style. 2. Understand your attachment response is real and important. Many of us get frustrated with ourselves…wanting to be different and feel different. 3. Identify your attachment need. Sometimes this requires getting in touch with deep pain, which can feel extremely vulnerable. 4. Communicate your attachment needs in ways that move your partner to respond and work with you.Communicate in a ways that your partner can hear it. 5. (When your partner wants you to be there for them) Show up in a way that works for you. Most of the time we can't show up because we are also feeling threatened, reacting, and in pain. 6. Work to prioritize emotional safety in your relationship. 7. Meet your partner in connection. Reveal deep vulnerable truths, see, hear, understand, and validate each other. Yes, it is possible to heal attachment insecurities. It does take effort and constructive practice. If you are interested in getting support and guidance to work these steps, please contact me. I would be honored to help. TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: Save Your Relationship By Understanding Your Attachment Needs. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about attachment styles in love relationships. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Melissa Orlov is the author of two award-winning books – The ADHD Effect on Marriage (2010) and The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD (2014, with Nancie Kohlenberger). She is considered one of the foremost authorities on ADHD and relationships – counseling ADHD-affected couples, and teaching marriage professionals about effective marriage therapy for couples impacted by ADHD. Orlov runs a very popular and effective 8-week phone seminar for couples, and blogs at www.adhdmarriage.com. (These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.) Melissa Orlov talks with us about the impact of ADHD on marriage and romantic relationships. She describes the common signs and clues of ADHD and how it manifests within intimate relationships. She explains the predictable patterns that couples go through and where couples get stuck in unhealthy dynamics. "ADHD is misnamed. It is not about attention deficit. It is actually about attention dysregulation." Melissa offers insight into her work of helping couples shift out of these negative patterns so that they can work together more effectively and positively. She also emphasizes the importance of managing the ADHD symptoms in a healthy way. She shared three main points to her work: 1, Gaining awareness and education about ADHD. 2. Working hard to let go of problematic relationship patterns and create new relationship interactions and patterns that are more productive and positive. 3. Being compassionate and empathetic to your partner. Melissa encourages people to view learning about an ADHD diagnosis as a good thing. She shares that between 70-90% of adults with ADHD can significantly improve the management of their ADHD symptoms with the right treatment. MENTIONED Melissa Orlov – ADHD Marriage (website) ADHD Effect Couples Seminar (course) The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps (book) The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD (book) Free Treatment Guide (opt-in gift) Driven to Distraction (Revised): Recognizing and Coping with Attention Deficit Disorder (book) If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest about ADHD in romantic relationships. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Dr. Keith Witt is a Licensed Psychologist, teacher, and author who has lived and worked in Santa Barbara, CA. for over forty years. Dr. Witt is the founder of The School of Love, at www.drkeithwitt.com, where he offers his five Books, his six hour audio class Loving Completely, the School of Love Lecture Series, blogs, Therapist in the Wild webseries, and Integral Conversations audios and videos on health/love/relationship/sexuality/spirituality/development/psychotherapy related topics. He has given three TEDx talks, all available on his website. (These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.) Dr. Keith Witt talks with us about our evolution and development. He incorporates several different disciplines to offer a rich and comprehensive approach to relationships, love, sexuality, and intimacy. He talks about pain, suffering, and trauma in life and relationship. "Being responsible means at the point something happens we start working to make it better in a healthy way. We have this power…focused intent and action, in service of principle and driven by result is a super power." Dr. Keith Witt MENTIONED Dr. Keith Witt (website) Integral Mindfulness: Clueless to Dialed in – How Integral Mindful Living Makes Everything Better (amazon link) Loving Completely (video series) The School Of Love (video series) Patricia Albere and Evolutionary Collective (website) James Masterson (wikipedia) Survey: How To Improve Empowered Relationship (survey) If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your desire to learn more about higher consciousness in relationships. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Jayson Gaddis – Chief relationship geek and host of the Smart Couple Podcast is the breakthrough marriage and relationship teacher for smart, successful, people. He was emotionally constipated for years before relationship failure drove him into a corner where he had no where to go but face his demons. From there Jayson was determined to overcome his blocks to intimacy and self-sabotage in relationship. He spent years in therapy and self-development programs until he slowly figured this relationship stuff out. In this episode, Jayson talks with us about relationship pain and growth. He addresses three relationship types. If you and your partner have different relationship types, than this is probably causing some level of conflict and stress. This will especially be true if one of you has the growth and development type and your partner does not. (These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.) THREE TYPES OF RELATIONSHIP 1. Comfort and Security Type: Partners want to be safe. They don't want to grow. 2. Pleasure & Fun Type: Partners want to have fun. They don't want drama and challenge. 3. Growth & Development Type: Partners wants to grow and learn. Jayson also talks with us about how to skillfully address your relationship desires with your partner so that you can be on the path towards relationship growth and fulfillment. MENTIONED Jayson Gaddis (website) Jayson Gaddis' Map (opt-in) Smart Couple Podcast (itunes) Survey: How To Improve Empowered Relationship (survey) If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest growing and improving your relationship. I hope you are more in the know of what leads to a lasting marriage/relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

YOU SAY "NO" ALL OF THE TIME. Any time you make a choice, you say "yes" to something and "no" to something else. Even if you are not overtly saying "no", you are still choosing out of certain relationships and activities, while choosing in on others. THE DOWNSIDE OF ALWAYS TRYING TO PLEASE YOUR PARTNER. In relationship, you will experience times when your partner wants something different from what you want. What do you do? Whatever choice you make in that moment will probably have no drastic impact. However, if you repeatedly choose to please your partner, then the cumulative effect may pose some very difficult challenges for you down the line. Most notably, you will have lost yourself. Over time, you have essentially taken yourself out of the relationship. You have left your preferences and needs on the sidelines. You will probably feel unhappy, dissatisfied, and maybe even resentful. NO ONE SAID IT WAS EASY `Saying "no" or stating an opposing view to your partner can be an extremely scary and uncomfortable thing to do, especially when you are not in the practice of doing it. It feels counterintuitive but the more you can be honest and authentic, the more you will be investing in the growth of your relationship (and you). How can you have a genuine and passionate relationship when you put your needs aside and take yourself out of the relationship? KEEP THE END GOAL IN MIND Often times, the process looks messy and feels painful. However, if you can believe in the end result of a win-win, then you will be more motivated to deal with the discomfort. If you can learn to tolerate some initial discomfort, then you will be investing in your relationship and individual growth. MENTIONED Survey: How To Improve Empowered Relationship (survey) The Invitation (poem) If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in learning how to say "no" in relationships. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

HOW TO USE THE END OF THE YEAR AS AN OPPORTUNITY TO GET MORE ALIGNED With the new year approaching, it is common to anticipate making changes with new ideas and goals. Some people set new years resolutions and other people focus on setting intentions. As the year comes to a close, it can be an excellent time to reflect on the past year and review. Did you make decisions to support your values and vision for your relationship and life? WHAT YOUR CALENDAR AND SPENDING SUMMARY CAN TELL YOU If you pull out your calendar and look over the year, you will be able to see where you invested your time and energy. In a calendar year, we all have 365 days, and we have a choice in how we spend this time. If you look at your checkbook for the past year or your credit card/bank yearly summary, you will be able to see where you spent your money. Money represents value. We trade money for things we want and find valuable. Did you invest your time, energy, and money into the things that matter to you? Did you allocate resources to support your top values and vision? If not, can you be non-judgmental and accepting with yourself? Can you see this information as a source of learning? Can you seize the opportunity to improve your alignment in relationships. The more your choices match your values and vision, the happier, healthier, and more successful you will be. YOUR PHYSICAL ENVIRONMENT AS A METAPHOR A client recently told me about a book titled "The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing." He described the simple philosophy of only having possessions you love and having a place for everything in your home. There are many approaches to decluttering and organizing your home. Some people believe your physical environment reflects your inner world. If your home is cluttered and chaotic, then so is your inner state. Other people believe the organization of your home creates flow, harmony, and intention into your life. Just like gardeners will weed around the plants the are growing, it can be helpful to get rid of the things in your physical space that no longer serve your values or support your vision. BEING ALIGNED IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP Every day you are investing in your relationship with your thoughts and behaviors. Are you thinking and behaving kindly, positively, and lovingly? Or are you being critical, judgmental, and resentful? Even your emotions contribute to a positive or a negative cycle with your partner. The way you engage and relate is either supporting your relationship values and vision or breaking them down. If you realize you are not participating in a positive cycle within your relationship, I want to encourage you to view this as an opportunity. There is probably a good reason why you are struggling to behave in ways that support your relationship goals. Some of the common reasons people have are unexpressed needs, unresolved concerns, and an inability to effectively and constructively deal with conflict. I understand it can be an incredibly painful experience to be in a relationship that does not match what you ultimately want. However, there is hope. This is a workable situation if you take action to find alignment in your relationship. I recognize this is easier said than done. However, you have resources and help. If you would like my support in addressing these concerns, please contact me at jessica@drjessicahiggins.com. MENTIONED The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing (book) Feng Shui (philosophy) Mary Morrissey (Coach) Jennifer Jimenez (Coach) Braveheart (movie) Clean Sweep (T.V show) If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in how to create alignment in relationships. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Last week I talked about How To Gain Self-Confidence In Relationship. I discussed the positive cycle between assertiveness and self-confidence. The more you can assert yourself the more self-confident you will be. Just as the more self-confident you are the more assertive you will be. 5 REASONS WHY WE AVOID BEING ASSERTIVE IN A RELATIONSHIP While we might agree with the concept of being assertive, many of us have no idea HOW to be assertive in a relationship. Here's a few reasons why: 1. We think assertiveness is synonymous with being aggressive or confrontational and we are afraid of being mean. 2. We are afraid to "rock the boat". Here is something to consider, the boat is already rocked. There is nothing you can do to hide it or make it go away. The goal here is to be honest and real about what is happening. This will allow you to bring your whole self fully to the relationship. "Through assertiveness we develop contact with ourselves and with others. We become real human beings with real ideas, real differences…and real flaws. And we admit all of these things. We don't try to become someone else's mirror. We don't try to suppress someone else's uniqueness. We don't try to pretend that we're perfect. We become ourselves. We allow ourselves to be there." ~ Randy Paterson 3. We are concerned about the loss of love, connection, or attention. Everyone fears rejection. 4. Being assertive feels too stressful which can activate your sympathetic nervous system response (i.e. fight, flight or freeze response). 5. We don't know how to be assertive. We don't have any good models to emulate. Assertiveness is a skill that takes practice to develop. TIPS FOR HOW TO BE ASSERTIVE IN A RELATIONSHIP Check Your Beliefs Do you believe your thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires are just as important as your partner's (not more important, but equally important)? Do you believe you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity? Do you think being assertive is critical to your overall well-being, happiness, and potential? Do you think you can get your needs met without sacrificing the needs of your partner? Know You Know your limits and boundaries. Identify your emotions, desires, and preferences. Know what you want. Take Action Confront people who violate your boundaries or rights. Ask for help. Learn to say no. Practice saying "no" for an hour or a day as an experiment to see how it feels. Practice Respect Give yourself permission to not be perfect. Contribute to win-win conversations. Be honest and tactful with your loved ones. Watch Your Habits Are you overly apologetic? Do you wait for someone else to recognize your needs? Do you feel responsible for your partner's needs? Do you strive to please people all the time? PUT ASSERTIVENESS TO PRACTICE WITH THESE 4 STEPS Start small. Be specific. Be clear and honest. Be respectful. MENTIONED: Be The Best You Can Be In Relationship (podcast) The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships, Randy Paterson (book) Challenge Day (website) If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in how to be more assertive in your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.