Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

5 WAYS COMPLAINING IS DETRIMENTAL TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP Here are 5 Questions to help you identify if complaining is having a negative impact on your relationship: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips. 1. IS COMPLAINING HELPFUL? Complaining is often seen as synonymous with venting. When we don't know how to create change, it is easy to want to complain as a way of getting rid of the frustration. Complaining can feel helpful in the short-term, but not in the long-term? Is anything really different after complaining? are there any new outcomes? "The problem is that today we associate the act of complaining with venting far more than we do with problem solving." By Guy Winch Ph.D. 2. IS COMPLAINING A HABIT? Complaining can be a learned experience from family and culture. Some people relate and bond through complaining. "Every time you complain, you are reinforcing that wiring and making it easier to trigger it. Do it often enough and it can become your default setting. Negative thoughts beget more negative thoughts and you can easily fall into a cycle of negative thinking and chronic complaining." By Sharmini Gana If you are being really honest with yourself, how many things do you complain about on a regular basis? Weather Traffic Work Your boss A co-worker Your kids Your spouse Money Taxes Restaurant Stressed Lack of time Busy Politics Health 3. DO YOU AVOID THE SOURCE OF THE COMPLIANT? Often, we are uncomfortable with conflict and confronting an issue with another person. We avoid going direct (i.e. filling out a survey or filing a complaint). Often, we complain to everyone expect the person that needs to hear it. "We are equally avoidant when it comes to complaints to our loved ones. We fear voicing them will only lead to an argument and resolve nothing. Instead, we reach for the phone, call our friends and vent to them instead." By Guy Winch Ph.D. 4. DOES COMPLAINING LEAD TO FEELING HELPLESS? When we feel helpless, it can be very hard to take action (i.e. learned helplessness – fish example) When we complain, we are often not clear and direct about what we want. When we feel helpless, we limit our thinking. Chronic complaining affects our emotional, mental, and physical health. "When we have so many dissatisfactions and frustrations, yet believe we're powerless to do much about them or to get the results we want, we are left feeling helpless, hopeless, victimized, and bad about ourselves. Obviously, one such incident won't harm our mental health, but we have so many complaints, this scenario happens many times a day. This accumulation of frustration and helplessness can add up over time and impact our mood, our self-esteem, and even our general mental health." By Guy Winch Ph.D. 5. HOW COMPLAINING AFFECTS OTHERS? When you complain, do people lean in, seem interested, and want to know more? Do people engage in your complaining or do they merely tolerate it? What qualities are you attracted to in others (i.e. positive, empowered, etc.) It can be easy to view someone who complains a lot with heavy emotions as a "victim" (due to the hopelessness and lack of responsibility). Complainers can also been seen as self-focused and not available for connection or relating (because they are preoccupied with their complaints). WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: Consider in joining this program: HOW TO TURN CRITICISM INTO LOVING COMMUNICATION – REGISTER HERE. 1. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY Build awareness around your complaining. Track how often you complain and what about you complain about. Look at how you are participating in the thing you are complaining about. What is your role? Be honest & authentic. What are your feeling? Labeling the negative emotion reduces the intensity and impact of the emotion. What are you wanting? 2. TAKE ACTION Focus on getting a different result. Look for solutions. Where do you have power or control to create change? What you can do about it? "Think back to when you called a customer service hotline and were successful in resolving the matter, or when you voiced a complaint to your spouse and they responded with an apology and a promise to make better efforts in the future. Do you recall how pleased you were with yourself? How happy that made you in that moment? How empowered you felt?" By Guy Winch Ph.D. 3. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF Attend to your needs. All too often, we feel stressed, overwhelmed, and tapped out. Give yourself permission to get your needs met (i.e. acknowledgment, down time). Know you are worthy and deserving. Believe in the possibility of positive results. "By addressing issues in our relationship that need attention and problem solving them together and cooperatively, we can actually strengthen our relationships and become even closer (especially if your partner learns to complain correctly as well)." By Guy Winch Ph.D. 4. GIVE YOUR COMPLAINING STRUCTURE Give yourself a boundary of 5 mins to vent or complain. Then, stop. Recognize and catch yourself when you get stuck complaining for an extended period of time. Be aware of the topics of conversation you bring up. When you have a complaint to address with someone, be intentional: Be clear, direct, specific, and positive in your language. 5. PRACTICE GRATITUDE Gratitude brings your attention and focus to positive aspects of your life that you might be overlooking. When we appreciate one another, it fosters a warmth and regard that supports a loving, open connection. In "A neuroscience researcher reveals 4 rituals that will make you happier," Eric Barker writes gratitude activates the dopamine region of the brain, boosts serotonin, and increasing emotional intelligence. "It's not finding gratitude that matters most; it's remembering to look in the first place. Remembering to be grateful is a form of emotional intelligence. With higher emotional intelligence, it simply takes less effort to be grateful." By Eric Barker MENTION: Does Complaining Damage Our Mental Health? By Guy Winch (article) Why Complaining Is Literally Killing You Sick & Making You Sick By Sharmini Gana (article) A Neuroscience Researcher Reveals 4 rituals That Will Make You Happier By Eric Barker (article) Description Of Learned Helplessness (video) PROGRAM: HOW TO TURN CRITICISM INTO LOVING COMMUNICATION REGISTER HERE. TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 065: How Complaining Damages Your Relationship & What To Do About It If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about how to be more successful in relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

In last weeks episode, How To Keep Your Relationship Strong (when she is more successful) – Part One, I discussed findings from several research studies that explore relationship dynamics between men and women when the female partner is more successful. I highly encourage you to check it out, so that you have a foundation for this weeks podcast episode. Also, I provided the first two ways to strengthen your relationship when she is the breadwinner. You can check out this podcast episode here. Here are the next 7 ways you can keep your relationship strong: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips. 9 WAYS TO STRENGTHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP WHEN SHE IS THE BREADWINNER: PART ONE (7 OF 9): 3. Know what role money plays in your relationship. What is the importance of money to you? Cultural values and norms will often influence your perspective. What beliefs have you picked up on about money and relationship? Is making more money associated with being more important, having more power, being more valuable, having more status, etc.? What matters most to you in life? What are your top five values in life? 4. Know what you can provide. What can you provide that will be of significant value to your partner and relationship? Typically, men want to provide what matters most to their female partner. (Alison Armstrong) What do you enjoy doing? What do you care about? What are your strengths? 5. Hold value for your partner and your relationship. Do you really appreciate your partner and what they offer and contribute to the relationship? Do you hold the quality of your relationship as a high priority? What would it be like to see your partner as a teammate – seeing your relationship as a team? "We both have our place on the team and that we both feel important and that we both feel valued. And we both honor each other's contribution to the relationship " Dr. Sheri Meyers How can you value the "we" in your relationship. "In marriage, when we honor and celebrate each other, we're freed up to be the best people we can be." -Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott 6. Know how you impact your partner. How do you participate in a dynamic with your partner? If women are afraid of emasculating a man, then they will tiptoe… Creating the dynamic that he can't handle it or baby him. "The more I trust him, then the more I rely on him, and the more I appreciate and am grateful for everything that he does contribute, the more manly he feels." Dr. Sheri Meyers How do you feel loved? How do you need to be loved? How do you show your partner love and care (i.e. deep listening, appreciation, play, and gratitude)? 7. Allow space for the masculine and feminine. "Although the Breadwinning Woman may appear to be this super independent, made-of-iron, can-take-on-anything woman worthy of a cape, many of us can't wait to take off the iron costume we wear all day long and have someone care for us emotionally, physically, and sexually. Come close and I will tell you a little secret… shhh: We actually just want to be taken care of, we want to surrender, we want someone else to plan, decide, execute and control… at least some of the time. If you are a breadwinning woman, your husband better offer more than healthy competition for external accomplishments; he better offer some heart, some soul, and some you know what." Sandra Shpilberg 8. Nurture the relationship connection. Now more than ever before, we marry for love and connection rather than for status or financial reasons. Therefore, our sense of emotional connection and bond is essential in relationship. How can you cultivate warmth and closeness with your partner? How can you foster more security in your connection? 9. Focus on the relationship partnership. How well do you and your partner work together? Can you collaborate and rely on each other? Can you negotiate mutually beneficial arrangements? Can you learn from your experience together, so that you can improve your partnership dynamics? When difficulties arise in your relationship, you can work through the challenges to become stronger and closer as a couple. MENTION: Smart Couples Finish Rich: 9 Steps to Creating a Rich Future for You and Your Partner, David Bach (book) How To Experience More Togetherness In Relationship With Leisa Peterson (podcast) Save Your Relationship By Understanding Your Attachment Needs (podcast) "Women Breadwinners: Less Satisfied in Marriage?" By Sandra Shpilberg(article) The Art of Love Series Relationship Series, 2014, "Bucking Traditional Roles in the name of love How to Navigate tensions when the woman is the breadwinner." With Alison Armstrong, Dr. Sheri Meyers, Evan Marc Katz, and Al Watts. (audio series) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 064: How To Keep Your Relationship Strong (when she is more successful) – Part II. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about how to be more successful in relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Are men really attracted to successful women? Does a man feel threatened or emasculated when his female partner outperforms him? Is a marriage compromised when the woman is the breadwinner? In the episode, I discuss findings from several research studies that address these questions. Please see links below to access articles and blogs (under "Mentioned"). Here are some main points: Men are attracted to female intelligence, and it is one of the strongest predictors of romantic interest. (Pincott, 2016) However, the challenge arises when men feel they are being outperformed. (Pincott, 2016) "Without realizing it, men reframe 'Wow, my partner is successful' as 'Wow, my partner is successful and I am unsuccessful.'" (Pincott, 2016) "The blow to the ego, however self-inflicted, appears to hurt how men see their relationship." (Pincott, 2016) The good news is that men can feel good, even when their female partner outperforms them, if they view the relationship itself as an emotional resource. (Pincott, 2016) Growing trend that women are the primary breadwinners in the home. (Rampell, 2013) "Couples in which the wife earns more report less satisfaction with their marriage and higher rates of divorce." (Shpilberg, 2013) Men 100% economically dependent on wives are most at risk for cheating, according to study, Christin Munsch, an assistant professor of sociology at the University of Connecticut. (Wallace, 2015) "'Most men don't have affairs,' says Marshall. 'But they stray when they are desperate, when they feel unheard, un-listened to. It is demeaning to say they need their ego stroked, but when you step off the primrose path – and by this I mean the usual path most go down – you need to do a lot of talking.'" (Cavendish, 2015) "If a man feels emasculated and as if he has lost his purpose in his life, he needs to ask himself some hard and difficult questions: 'who am I? What gives my life meaning?' The easy question is, 'do I fancy this other woman?' The simple answer to that is often, 'yes'." (Cavendish, 2015) 9 WAYS TO STRENGTHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP WHEN SHE IS THE BREADWINNER: PART ONE (2 OF 9) Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips. 1. Know what kind of life you want to create with your significant other. In regards to division of labor, gender roles (i.e. traditional), societal expectations, quality of life (i.e. work/life balance.), personal desires and preferences. 2. Know what it means to you to be a man/know what it means to you to be a woman. What makes you feel like a woman/what makes you feel like a man? What is important to you and your identity as a man/woman? Stay tuned for the next podcast episode where I offer you 7 more ways to strengthen your relationship when these tensions exist. MENTIONED: "Acting A fool: Why is female intelligence a turnoff for some men, even those who profess otherwise" By Jena Pincott (Psychology Today: June 2016) "U.S. Women on the Rise as Family Breadwinner" By Catherine Rampell (article) "Women Breadwinners: Less Satisfied in Marriage?" By Sandra Shpilberg(article) "Husbands of female breadwinners most at risk for cheating, says study" By Kelly Wallace (article) "The danger of being a breadwinning wife" By Lucy Cavendish (Article) How Can I Ever Trust You Again?: Infidelity: From Discovery to Recovery in Seven Steps By Andrew Marshall (book) Sex and the city – Speed dating (video clip) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 063: How To Keep Your Relationship Strong (when she is more successful) – Part I. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about how to be more successful in relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Can you simply have a friendship when you have romantic and/or sexual potential with someone? Is it a good idea to stay friends with an ex-significant other? Having a platonic friendship with someone with whom you have romantic potential, sexual attraction, or history with can be complicated for sure. However, it is not impossible. 4 KEYS TO DEVELOPING A HEALTHY FRIENDSHIP (WITH SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER): Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips. 1. Know what your intention is and what the purpose is for the friendship. What is your intention for the friendship? What do you want to experience within the friendship? What is the purpose of the friendship? Sometimes, we maintain friendships for reasons we are not totally aware of, especially when we stay friends with an ex-significant other. For example, we want to feel needed, we want the attention, or we don't want to hurt the person's feelings. Here is an article on Psychology Today "The 10 Worst Reasons To Stay Friends With Your Ex" by Dr. Juliana Breines. 2. Be sensitive to the quality of the friendship. How does your friend treat you? Ho do you treat your friend? Do you want the same things in relationship? What kind of relationship are you developing (i.e. do you have candle lit dinners together)? Is it a mismatch (i.e. do either one of you want more than just friendship)? 3. Be honest about what you are feeling and sensing. Are you being honest with yourself about what you are getting out of the friendship? Does your friendship fulfill a need of yours? If so, what is it? If you are in a committed relationship, do you include your partner in the friendship to some degree? Would you do and say the same things with your friend, if your partner were around? Are you hiding, withholding, or omitting aspects of your friendship from your significant other? (If you are avoiding conflict or feeling fearful of your partner's reaction, you may want to get support in how to create a safe, secure connection in your relationship, while maintaining what is authentic to you. This can be difficult to negotiate at times.) 4. Be clear about your boundaries. What are you comfortable with in a friendship? What are you okay with and what are you not okay with? Relating back to point #1 "Know what your intention is and what the purpose is for the friendship." Is your behavior in alignment with your intention and purpose? Are your boundaries getting blurred? Are you behaving in ways that you feel good about? Developing a platonic friendship with someone you have potential or history with is complicated, but it is not impossible. It does require choosing a friend with similar friendship goals, as well as having some sensitivity, awareness, and ability to communicate your boundaries clearly. MENTIONED: "The 10 Worst Reasons To Stay Friends With Your Ex" by Dr. Juliana Breines. (article) How Stay Friends With An Ex (Article) How To Transform Jealousy into Passion and Excitement (podcast) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 062 Just Friends. Is It Really Possible. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about how to be more successful in relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Leisa Peterson is a Business EFT expert and Wealth Coach specializing in helping people clear their fear, doubt and overwhelm to create joyful, profitable, authentic and fulfilling businesses. In this episode, Leisa talks with us about working collaboratively together, rather than working from a scarcity mindset. With collaboration, we can bring out the best in each other and achieve greatness together. Whereas when we are in "self-concern," we tend to not be as understanding and supportive with one another, and we tend to focus on scarcity and our needs not getting met. She identified several ways people feel scarcity (see below), and she shared some tips on how to move from a scarcity perspective into a more collaborative perspective, namely with awareness and self-responsibility. She also talked about the importance of compassion and forgiveness. Leisa gave us a sneak peek into her upcoming book "7 Ways We Sabotage Our Experiences As Entrepreneurs," where she talks about the different types of scarcity. Here are a few: I don't have the resources. I don't have enough time. I don't feel good enough. I have to cut corners. What I want is not possible. Leisa's insights and tips are important to any relationship dynamic and are particularly important to intimate relationships. Be sure to listen to the episode to hear more points and tips. MENTIONED: Leisa Peterson's website (website) Leisa's story about loss and forgiveness (podcast episode) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 061: How To Experience More Togetherness In Relationship With Leisa Peterson. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about how to nurture your intimate relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Monika is a licensed therapist and relationship coach promoting healthy, authentic relationships from the inside-out. She specializes in helping people change their limiting beliefs at the subconscious level, creating much deeper change than in traditional coaching methods. She works mostly with women who are in long-term relationships in crisis, to help them create their desired relationship by first changing their own default modes. Her coaching programs guide individuals through four stages of change that are required for truly authentic, empowered relationships. In this episode, Monika talks with us about essential keys to shifting your relationship approach, so that can set your relationship up for success. She talks about the "default modes" that get in the way of our ability to show up for a healthy, authentic relationship. She defined "default modes" as the habitual ways we respond to things that are based on old programming. 4 STAGES OF CHANGE: Monika talked about her approach to helping people create relationship change in their lives with these four stages. 1. Self-Awareness: Getting honest with yourself, taking ownership of your limits, desires, needs, and challenges. Really getting to know yourself. 2. Expression: Expressing yourself authentically. Gaining the tools to express who you are to another person in relationship. 3. Hold the space for your partner's expression: Receiving your partner. Getting your filters out of the way, so that you can hear who your partner is as a separate person. Separate from the past and what has already happened in your relationship. Staying present in the moment. 4. Getting into unity: Getting on the same team. Move out of the "me" versus "you" mindset and into the "we" mindset. The whole is greater than the sum of it's parts. Monika shares her own story and turning point in relationship, where she chose a path of personal and relationship transformation. Be sure to listen to the episode to hear more points and tips. MENTIONED Monika Hoyt's website Free 30 minute Relationship Breakthrough session with Monika Hoyt TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 060: How To Step Up To A Healthy, Authentic Relationship With Monika Hoyt. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about how to nurture your intimate relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LISTENER'S QUESTION: "How or what might you be able to recommend for my current situation? I am a 45 year old man who is dating a 41 year old woman who has been married 2 previous times. I have lived the single life and am ready for a change. One of her children is still a child. Her biggest concern is where my career path is leading me…. I changed career direction a couple years ago and has not produced visible improvement in my life financially. I don't want to lose her because of that, she has asked that I find something and has given somewhat of a deadline on our future together. I know we have a connection and she has voiced that as well. My biggest feeling I have currently is Fear…fear of losing her when I know and I know she knows we have a connection." 1. Identify What Is True For You. What are your top values in life? What are your needs? What type of relationship are your wanting to create? 2. What Are Your Partner's Needs? What are your partner's top values in life? What are her needs? What type of relationship is she wanting to create? 3. Be Honest & True. Be willing to be vulnerable. Reveal what is true. 4. Surrender The Desire To Control. Be open to the unknown. Let go of your attachment to being seen in a particular way. Feel the emotions that come up when you let go of the need to control (i.e. fear, grief, sadness). 5. Just Be. Be in the moment. Be with what is true. There is a tremendous amount of strength and grace that comes for revealing what is true without trying to hide or conceal. LISTENER'S QUESTION: "Hi I am 55 years old, divorced for four years. I'm in relationship and it's pretty serious and I'm not sure at this point when to tell him that I had a gastric bypass surgery. Only a couple of friends know that I had the surgery about eight years ago. I am committed to living a more authentic life and I feel like I need to tell him at some point. We are talking about the relationship progressing to the next level. He retires at the end of the year. He might be moving across the country to live with me. I am feeling like I need to tell him. I am just not sure when. Do we wait until we talk about marriage or until we are pretty sure that we're going to be together or do I just do it now. I guess I feel like I should do it now because if he can't accept that or is judgmental about about my past, I'd like to know sooner rather than later." 6. Commit To Revealing. Commit to revealing over and over again in relationship. Even if feels shameful, unacceptable, unattractive, and unlovable. Otherwise, you will be hiding yourself and taking yourself out of true connection. 7. You Always Have The Opportunity To Choose. As soon as you recognize you are concealing or hiding… Shift your focus to revealing and being transparent. Notice what is true in the moment. Share openly and honestly. 8. Take 100% Responsibility For Your Experience Be curious. How are you contributing to this issue? Stay with the question. How are you participating in the relationship dynamic? MENTIONED: Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment (book) Save Your Relationship By Understanding Your Attachment Needs (podcast) My Personal Story – What Led Me Into The Field Of Couples Work And Relationship Coaching (podcast) Suzanne Kilkus (website) Gosia Meyer Jewelry (website) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 059: Risk Love To Be True To Oneself. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in learning about improving your love relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

112 WEDDINGS" BY DOUG BLOCK After filming over 20 years of couples weddings, videographer and documentary film maker Doug Block, began to wonder what happened to these couples, "Are they still together? Is married life what they thought it would be? How have they navigated the inevitable ups and downs of marriage over the long haul? Are they happy?" To answer these questions, Doug tracked down 9 couples to interview. In "112 Weddings," Doug explores themes of love, commitment, and challenges, while giving us flashbacks of their wedding day. He asks all the couples: "After years of being married, what would be your advice be for a young couple soon to be married?" (These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.) TAKEAWAYS 1. You are going to experience challenges together. Every couple talked about some hardship or difficulty that they had to face together. These challenges ranged from financial stresses, parenting and decision-making conflicts, mental illness, having a child with a life threatening illness, and having a child with learning disability. "I think there's an amazing story behind every couple's marriage. The common denominator is that they're going to face really tough challenges over time." ~ Doug Block 2. You have no idea what to expect within your marriage. "Wedding is day one. It is easy to make happy. You just throw a ton of money and liquor at it. A wedding is easy to make happy and marriage it hard to make happy." ~ Rabbi Jonathan Blake Even against our better judgement, we hope our marriage will be easy or that "happily ever after" will happen to us. Yet, a marriage is a living, breathing relationship. A marriage does not survive on it own, it takes a level of intention, attention, and investment that most of us do not know how to do proactively. Couples talked about the mistakes of putting other priorities first and taking their partner for granted. 3. When things don't go according to plan, it is easy to feel shame. Generally, we don't talk about our hardships with one another. Therefore, it is easy to think everyone else is doing well in their relationship, especially when you look at social media. We tend to privately play the comparison game. When our relationship is not going the way we want it to, it is easy to feel bad and alone. This is especially true, if we expected the relationship to be easy and blissful. We think some version of "Something is wrong with me, my partner, or us." 4. Gather resources to get you through the challenging times. As with any challenge you set-out to accomplish, you want to be as prepared as possible. If you were planning for a long, rigorous hike, you would want to wear good socks and boots, as well as prepare a pack with extra clothing layers, plenty of snacks and water, and supplies. One couple talked about marriage being like waves. "Sometimes you love your partner, and sometimes you hate them. Your marriage will go through phases." Couples talked what helped them get through the difficult times: Working together. Being able to laugh together. Remembering why I married this person. Having gratitude; Not taking my for granted. Doug Block answers the question, "What do you hope people take away from this film?": "When people tend to think about marriage, their thoughts end at the wedding. The wedding is such a big deal that they conflate marriage with weddings. The whole point of the film is that the wedding is just day one. You're going to have a long life together and the only thing that you can expect is that life will throw the unexpected at you. That's your task as a couple — facing life together and the things you can't possibly prepare for." Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 058 Beyond the wedding. What is marriage really like. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in learning about improving your love relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LISTENER'S QUESTION: Hello Dr. Jessica Higgins, I'm really enjoying your podcast. Thank you very much for all the insight you give us. I am interested in hearing about addiction particularly gambling addiction. My husband has been gambling for probably seven years. I discovered it about three years ago. Gambling just seems to be one of those addictions that people don't really talk about so much. He's gambling about $30 a day, so it doesn't seem like a lot, but at the end of the year it adds up. I'd really like to know how to figure out what to do about this, how I want to proceed in my relationship, and how to assess whether this is a deal breaker for me because I have a lot of issue with it. Any information you can give on the effect of gambling on relationships and how to deal with it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you. (These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.) TIPS: 1. Take An Honest Look What is the impact of your partner's behavior? Emotionally Relationally Financially Etc. 2. Identify Your Boundaries Are you enabling your partner's behavior? (see article below) Do you feel resentful, overextended, or taken for granted? Identify your boundaries. What is okay with you and what is not okay with you? What would holding a boundary allow you to feel? What are your underlying needs? How would holding a boundary help you? How would holding a boundary help your relationship? 3. Change The Rules Do not participate in old dynamics or habits. Change the way you relate with your partner. Set new limits and standards for yourself. Set boundaries that you can control. 4. Communicate With Your Partner Express concern without blame or shame. Share the impact of your partner's behavior. Share the serious nature of the concern. Rate your concern on a scale from 1 to 10. Discuss the option of getting help (i.e. therapist, counselor, Gamblers Anonymous, treatment program). Explicitly state your boundary. "Here is what I am going to do moving forward." 5. Take Action Stick with your plan. It will feel the hardest in the beginning. Be consistent. Let your partner know you are serious. You are changing the family/couple system. Get support (i.e. Gam-Anon, therapist, support group, friends, etc.). Gather new information. How does your partner respond to your new limits? Is your partner willing to get help? Are you and your partner communicating? MENTIONED: Transform Your Life Baja Cruise (cruise details and registration page) Brené Brown talking about Boundaries, Empathy, and Compassion (video) How to avoid enabling a spouse's gambling addiction (article) Stages of compulsive gambling (article) Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group (forum) AAMFT Gambling (resource) Gambling addiction (resource) How Can I Help My Husband Stop Gambling? (article) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 057- How to Avoid Enabling Your Spouses' Destructive Behavior. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in learning about improving your love relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Alison Armstrong, author, educator, and creator of the widely acclaimed "Queen's Code" workshop series, asks the question: "What if no one is misbehaving — including you?" She explores the good reasons behind the behavior of men and women such as fundamental differences in the ways we think, act and communicate. She offers simple, partnership-based, solutions to improve our communication and intimacy by honoring ourselves and others. She's known for her insight, sense of humor and ability to articulate the human experience and predicament of gender. In this episode, Alison talks with us about important points to consider if you are having difficulty syncing up with your partner sexually. She offers key explanations to the variables that are involved with being interested, available, and engaged in sex. She shares important information about our biological and emotional influences. She gives very practical suggestions to help set couples up for successful engagement with one another. Alison inspires us work in ways that support and nurture our sexual relationship. She provides very practical and effective strategies to gain more intimacy within your relationship. Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and tips. MENTIONED Understand Men (website) Queen's Code (website) The Queen's Code (book) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 056: Secrets To Sex Even When No One Is In The Mood With Alison Armstrong. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about how to nurture your sexual relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me. SHARE THIS: