Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

Before listening to this episode, check out ERP 074: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship – Part One. "Up to 98 percent of American adults report feeling some form of stress on a regular basis." writes Laura Newcomer in "Is Stress Hurting Your Relationship?" In part one to the podcast topic, I layout for you: What is stress? Damage of stress. Stress inventory. Stress curve. Signs and symptoms of stress. I also give you the first two ways to combat stress in your relationship. 6 WAYS TO COMBAT STRESS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP 1. KNOW YOUR STRESS CUES (OR WARNING SIGNS) See part one for a description on the first two ways to combat stress in your relationship. Be sure and listen to the podcast episode for stories, examples, and more suggestions. 2. HOLD THE BIGGER PICTURE IN MIND 3. LEARN TO RESET & REFUEL (INDIVIDUALLY & AS A COUPLE) Olympic athletes have to actively manage their stress levels, so that they can be in their peak performance zone. You want to know what works for you. Exercise. Social support. Deep breathing. Mindfulness mediation. Rest & sleep. "Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under the trees on a summer's day, listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time." – John Lubbock Nature. Getting creative. Listening to music. Positive or balanced thinking. Quiet time. Journal. "The take-away for couples is simple — each individual needs to learn to deal with stress in positive ways outside of the relationship (through activities to minimize the buildup of stress in the first place, regular exercise, and other stress-relief activities). No matter how well you function in everyday life, all the skills in the world may go to hell in a hand-basket when stressed out." by John M. Grohol, Psy.D 4. HAVE A STRESS PROTOCOL Be on the same team. Develop a plan for when life gets stressful. Scale back, say no, take on less, do less. Keep things simple. Give yourself space to reevaluate and renegotiate. List ideas for each area in your stress protocol: Emotionally: Example: "It seems like you might be under a lot of stress. What can I do that will help you feel that I got your back? Physically: Example: "I need a little more sleep." "I know you like a little more quiet time." Mentally: Offer help reframing and keeping things perspective. Example: "Can I help point out things you may be overlooking about the situation? Can I remind you of some of your strengths here?" Relationally: Example: "I know we are both stressed. Can we talk about our expectations for this coming week?" 5. ENCOURAGE HEALTH Have your partner's back. Try to support your partner way of dealing with stress (even if it is different from your way of dealing with stress). Use your stress protocol to bring your stress levels down and initiate de-stress strategies with your partner. Offer care, support, and understanding to yourself and your partner. 6. PRIORITIZE YOUR CONNECTION Prioritize time with partner. Find ways to rejuvenate and nurture each other (however small). Trade foot massages or neck massages. Go for a nice walk together. Go soak in a hot tub together. Laugh together. Play together. Be creative. Do something different. Think about the long-term result. What is the long-term cost of not connecting in a years time? What is the long-term benefit of connecting in a years time? "The time to relax is when you don't have time for it." ~ Sydney J. Harris MENTIONED: Stress Hurts Relationship, By John M. Grohol, Psy.D Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale Is Stress Hurting Your Relationship? Here's How to Fix It, by Laura Newcomer Definition of Stress by Merriam-Webster TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 075: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship Part II If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me. SHARE THIS:

WHAT IS STRESS? Definition of Stress by Merriam-Webster: Stress is "a physical, chemical, or emotional factor that causes bodily or mental tension and may be a factor in disease causation" and "tend to alter an existent equilibrium." DAMAGE OF STRESS Stress is a common part of our lives, yet it is easy for us to undermine its impact on our well-being and our relationships. In fact, many of us become numb to the symptoms and warning signs of stress. However, when we ignore our symptoms and signs of stress, we remove our opportunity to reduce stress effectively. Furthermore, stress has a tendency to produce more stress. Have you ever been around someone who is extremely stressed? Stress almost feels contiguous. When partners are both negatively affected by stress, it can have a serious impact on the relationship. Stressed out couples argue more, turn away from each other more, feel more disconnected, frustrated, and angry with one another. Couples experiencing stress also find it difficult to relax and enjoy each other, as well as seeing each other in a positive light. LONG-TERM STRESS If stress is unchecked, couples may end up dealing with bigger problems down the road. There are many consequences to the long-term experience of disconnection, dissatisfaction, unhappiness, conflict, and negativity (i.e. depression, anxiety, divorce). "Relationships exposed to high stress for a long amount of time are bound to falter, no matter how well each individual's relationship skills. During such times, we are more likely to see the relationship as being negative, not realizing the impact the stress is having in the validity of our evaluation — it colors our perception of the relationship itself. Remove the stress, and people's positive relationship skills can once again — and usually do — take over." By John M. Grohol, Psy.D STRESS INVENTORY: Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale STRESS CURVE: SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS OF STRESS: Emotionally: Apprehension or feeling anxious More irritable or getting upset more easily Social withdrawal and/or loneliness Restless and worrying Anger and/or sadness (smiling and laughing less) Feeling insecure or more fearful Dissatisfaction Physically: Fatigue and lack of energy Muscle tension and unable to relax Shortened or shallow breathing Headache & dizziness Stomach ache Sleep problems Weight gain or loss Low sexual desire Increase in substance use (i.e. sugar, alcohol, caffeine, etc.) Mentally: Inability to concentrate or focus (i.e. more preoccupied) Confusion Forgetful and/or daydreaming Decrease in productivity, creativity, and/or curiosity Burnout Negative thinking Guilt "When under increased stress, we feel perceived slights, for instance, by our significant other more acutely." By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. "One study that followed 80 couples over four years found that those who experienced more stress outside of their relationship reported feeling less comfortable and less close with their partner. They also felt less sure of the relationship than folks who experienced less stress." by Laura Newcomer Relationally: Shorter fuse, less patience, Focus on pain and negativity More likely to have a stronger reaction Not available for connection Kill libido Communication does downhill Lack of listening More judgement and tendency to blame Feel attraction towards other people: "Research shows we're more likely to feel attracted to other people when feeling taxed. Anxiety can make us fantasize about being with a different partner and pay less positive attention to the one we already have." by Laura Newcomer In the field of psychology, it is a common understanding that people tend to regress when under stress. People's level of functioning and skilfulness is lowered. "Ability alone, as the researchers note, does not ensure that you'll be able to respond appropriately in your relationship. In may be necessary but not sufficient to have good relationship skills, because you may not be able to draw upon those skills when under increased stress. The researchers also found that a person's relationship abilities — like relationships themselves — wax and wane over time. They are not these static skills that exist in some vacuum. In times of stress, this research suggests that we can't always call upon our positive relationship or communication skills — the stress can overwhelm us and our abilities." by John M. Grohol, Psy.D. 6 WAYS TO COMBAT STRESS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP 1. KNOW YOUR STRESS CUES (OR WARNING SIGNS) How do you typically respond to stress in your life? Can you look back on past stress in your life and notice patterns or common stress symptoms? How do you know when you are stressed? What are your cues (i.e. eye twitches, neck and shoulder tension, more accident prone, smile less, laugh less, more preoccupied, more perfectionist, etc.)? Ask your partner, "what do know about me when I am stressed?" How do you know when your partner is stressed? What are your partner's stress cues and signs? What happens in your relationship when one or both of you are stressed (i.e. fight more, have less sex, less connection, etc.)? Use the list of signs and symptoms of stress (see above) as a resource list to identify your stress cues. Take the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale to get your stress score to identify your level of stress. Identify the source stress: Take time to explore the sources of stress in your life. 2. HOLD THE BIGGER PICTURE IN MIND Acceptance. Don't fight what is happening. Sure, you may not enjoy or prefer the stressful circumstance. However, struggling with the reality tends to create more suffering. Recognize the stress as the issue, not your partner. Neither one of you are to blame. Everyone deals with stress differently (i.e. zone out, cry, sleep more). Being stressed is NOT character flaw! Compassion. You and your partner are doing the best that you can. Flexibility. Remember the stressful situation is temporary, and/or try to get perspective that your life is more than this stressful experience. Forgiveness. Can you give your partner the benefit of the doubt? If you recognize an issue or concern (that you cannot overlook), make a point to address it. Otherwise, can you offer some grace and slack to your partner? Gather resources. Ask family or friends to help out. Do a trade with someone to get support. Hire some extra help. Stay tuned for the next 4 Ways To Combat Stress In Your Relationship in the next podcast episode. MENTIONED: Stress Hurts Relationship, By John M. Grohol, Psy.D Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale Is Stress Hurting Your Relationship? Here's How to Fix It, by Laura Newcomer Definition of Stress by Merriam-Webster TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 074: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LISTENER'S QUESTION: "I feel like I have a huge problem with my assertiveness. I am recently married and my wife and I are great together but sometimes our communication falls a little short. I would describe her as being very assertive, not scared to speak her mind or ask for what she wants, which I admire. Me on the other hand I am passive, I keep a lot of my feelings and thoughts to myself, and have a hard time expressing how I feel. I listened to two of your podcasts ERP 45 and 46 and a lot hit home for me. I don't want to be scared to rock the boat or be so overly concerned with how she is going to react if I tell her how I feel. But at the same time she isn't very inviting when I do express myself. It's like she can't understand that it is hard for me and that it takes a lot for me to actually say what I have to say. So not only do I want to become more assertive but I want to be able to not need to be reassured. I don't want to feel like I need to be congratulated for speaking up, I want to do it because I know it's what I should do because it's not fair to her or myself when I keep my feelings and thoughts to myself. And I want to get out of the mindset of thinking it's weak to feel the way I feel. Because I start to resent her and it's not fair. I recognize my weakness and know what I should do to correct the issue but it is hard to always do what I should. So I just need some tips to overcome the moments of weakness so that our relationship can be at its fullest potential." MEN & EMOTIONAL INTIMACY Generally speaking, being emotionally revealing goes against what feels natural and comfortable to a man. Typically, guys have a lot of programming to not be emotionally vulnerable. Many men have learned from a very early age to not express their sensitive emotion, like sadness and fear. Also, a man's brain structure is designed to accomplish, excel, and get ahead, which doesn't always prioritize emotional sharing and bonding. Men typically bond through being physical. Whereas, women bond more through emotional intimacy, sharing, and empathy. Communicating your thoughts and feelings may feel unfamiliar and uncomfortable, as if you are learning a new skill. In fact, you are learning a new skill – how to communicate your emotions more openly and honestly. In order to support your learning process, be kind, easy, and gentle with yourself. A man's personal and emotional development is very different from a woman's, as our biological makeup and social experiences are very different. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.) LISTENER'S QUESTION: Jay writes "I have been listening to your podcasts for the past couple weeks and it has helped me tremendously in opening up my mind to different views in my relationship and how I can communicate better with my partner. Currently we are going to couples therapy and we are each seeing our own therapist as well. This is the first month seeing my therapist and my fiancé and I have only gone to 2 sessions together so far. In these sessions I have learned a lot about my poor communication skills (I hold onto my feelings and don't express them) and learn more about myself and the relationship but I don't feel like it's enough. I am still not able to talk with my partner openly about my feelings and through therapy I've discovered that I am scared of confrontation. I avoid it at all costs and it's hurting my relationship tremendously. Normally it's not till after my fiancé confronts me about my behavior do I realize my poor actions and apologize, but lately I have been able to recognize my behavior and confront her shortly after our argument to resolve the issue. The second and bigger problem is that my bad behavior is becoming repetitive and it's getting hard for me to express myself to her after we have a 2-4 hour argument. I shut down, and start tuning her out because it's the same arguments and the same things are being said. Our therapists have said that this process takes time and requires patience. I understand that change requires time, but her impatience with me and long drawn out explanations are exhausting her and me, both mentally and physically. The worst part is if our argument happens early in the day it ruins her entire day and she can't focus on anything but the argument. We talk about it several times through the day ( because she feels I don't understand her) and it keeps being brought up and aggravates me. I acknowledge her feelings and apologize and inform her what I will do differently next time. She also brings it up one more time right before bed, literally as we are falling asleep. This is aggravating to me because I wake up at 4am to go to work, and I need about 6 hrs of sleep minimum. I don't know how to ask for more time and patience from her and still show her that I'm improving everyday. I need to materialize my thoughts into actions and most of all I need her to also understand that change takes time and doesn't happen overnight and to let go of all the anger she is building inside. Is there an activity you recommend? Or maybe one of your episodes touch on this subject? Thank you for all your support!" 1. HOLD A NEW PARADIGM: Be easy with yourself. Watch the negative self-talk. Develop a positive and encouraging inner coach. Be patience with your learning process. It takes time to develop new habits. Notice and adjust…over and over again. You will get better at it. Get to know your preferred way of open up and sharing. What works best for you (i.e. going for a walk and talking, taking some time to reflect, etc.)? 2. TELL HER WHAT IS REAL: Examples: If you are overwhelmed, tell her, "I am overwhelmed." If you are scared, tell her "I am scared of disappointing you." Or tell her, "I am scared of doing it wrong." If conflict is uncomfortable for you, tell her "Conflict is uncomfortable for me. In the past, my strategy has been to avoid." If you are learning, tell her "I want to learn how to share with you, in a way that works for both of us." 3. ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED: Examples: "I am working to gain comfortability with sharing my thoughts and feelings, and I need to go a little slower." "I don't always know what I am thinking or feeling in the moment. I need a day to reflect and get clear. Then, I will be ready to share more openly with you." "Conflict has been uncomfortable for me in the past, and I am working on feeling more comfortable with conflict. It would help me if we could talk a little more calmly." "When I get overwhelmed, I am worried you want me to be different, or I am not good enough. It would help me to know you believe I am good man and that you value me." 4. WORK ON BUILDING SAFETY & TRUST: What do you need to feel to feel emotionally safe and that your partner has your back? What does your partner need to feel safe and emotionally supported? Learn about your and your partner's attachment strategy. If you partner feels anxious when there is discord, she may have a bit of an anxious attachment style. Typically, when someone has an anxious attachment style, they are worried about being left, rejected, or abandoned. Can she tell you what she is needing to hear? If you are able to help her, you may try reassuring her that you love her and want to share with her. Let her know you are committed to working on things. Learn about your gender differences and learn how to see the value within each experience. MENTIONED: Save Your Relationship By Understanding Your Attachment Needs (podcast episode) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 073: As a Man, How Do I Open Up More In My Relationship. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LISTENER'S QUESTION: "My wife and I have been struggling with our 19 year marriage. A year ago we started couples counseling and didn't have much success. We both did a little individual therapy and tried again with EFT couples counseling. The therapist told my wife she really needs to do more work individually to find out what is blocking her. From day one of couples counseling she stated that she no longer has feelings for me and she doesn't know how or if they will come back. I take that to mean romantic sexual feelings. We have not been intimate for 4 years now. She struggled with things in our marriage and shut down. My question is, what can I do to help her see me differently and help those feelings come back? Is there anything I can do?" Interested in learning the 7 main reasons why relationships fail (and how to save yours)? Click on this "Instant Access" button to get your free e-book. Instant Access Be sure and listen to the podcast episode to hear more examples, stories, and tips. BE OPEN TO EXPLORING Does your wife want to revisit her original struggles or has she left the relationship? If she has left the relationship, I would have an honest conversation with her about what she wants moving forward. This does not mean you are going to agree with her or that you will move into action right away. But it does invite a real and honest dialogue. You cannot change her out of her experience. She may feel your respect and feel more open to you, despite the topic of conversation. If she is ambivalent about the relationship, is she willing to revisit some of her previous issues? Have you held a safe space for her to really share openly? Have you taken her perspective, understood her experience, and validated her experience? What has been missing within your relationship? What was happening before the issues first started coming up? How did you deal with it then? Is there someone else she is attracted to? If so, what is she getting from the interaction or relationship (i.e, attention, excitement, emotional validation, positivity, praise, love, etc.)? GET CONSISTENT SUPPORT It sounds like you and your wife have gotten support. For your description, it is difficult for me to tell if you felt that these professionals were a good fit. You will want to make sure both you and your wife feel comfortable and emotionally safe to reveal more fully. Disclosing openly and fully takes time, as you and your wife will need to feel trust within your professional as well as trust and belief in the process. Additionally, when you are working through 19 years of patterns and dynamics that have resulted in disconnection, it can take even more time to work through layers of protection, defense, shut down, and avoidance. Avoidance is a strategy to deal with emotional threat and pain. While avoiding provides short-term relief, it does not help shift dynamics or bring connection. Counseling, therapy, and/or coaching asks partners to go against these avoiding strategies and confront their pain and difficulties. If partners are ambivalent, they may not believe there is hope and may not want to tolerate the pain to try to do the emotional and interpersonal work. I would recommend investing and committing to a therapeutic process with consistent willingness for at least 6 months. BE REALLY PRESENT Try to focus on the moment rather than getting sucked into old patterns that have kept you stuck in the past. Try to be available for a different experience with your wife. See her with new eyes. Relate to her from your most sincere and genuine place. With Respect. With Altruistic Love. Be available for contact. Eye contact. Physical contact. FIND JOY & PASSION Have you lost your sense of play and joy? What brings you excitement and pleasure? If you do know, pay attention to what peaks your interest. What books, articles, or website do you gravitate towards? Can you allow yourself to fill your cup and participate in enjoyable activities. Can you invite her along? Is she open to doing something fun together? Can you share your positivity with her? Can you do something new and different together? Or can you learn something together? You guys could take my 12 week couples program, which is full of powerful curriculum, tools, and exercises. MENTIONED: Free Ebook "7 Reasons Why Relationships Fail (and how to save yours) Instant Access TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 072: What Happens When You Hear "I am not in love with you anymore"? If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

GUEST: Sarina Stone is an internationally renowned Medical Chi Kung (Qigong) instructor, Abdominal Massage expert, Natural Health Advocate and author of eight books. After two decades of study in northern Thailand with Tao Master, Mantak Chia, Ms. Stone has developed multiple self-help tools for stress relief, conscious manifestation, physical health and longevity. Known for her light-hearted approach to health and wellness, Sarina Stone is a colorful, beloved speaker and educator across the globe. Be sure and listen to ERP 070: How To Gain Emotional Balance In Your Relationship – With Sarina Stone, as this episode lays the foundation for this conversation about healthy sexuality. She talks about her orientation and philosophy, which will give you more context and understanding of her perspective on sex and sexual intimacy. HEALTHY SEX & SEXUALITY In this podcast episode, Sarina Stone talks with us about the importance of our beliefs about sex and sexuality, and how it affect our individual health as well as the quality of our intimate relationships. With her training in the Universal Healing Tao System, she describes the process of cultivation, cleaning, circulation, and utilization of reproductive energy. She notes that our bodies are always making energy to produce sperm, eggs, and hormones, and she explains this energy can be used for health and longevity. Now days, people are often distracted, preoccupied, and disconnected from their inner world. They have no idea what they are feeling and thinking at any given moment. Additionally, most people are not present to the patterns they are perpetuating on a continual basis. LOVE IS NUMBER ONE When it comes to sex and sexual intimacy, most people are bombarded with messages about lust and eroticism. Or they have adopted cultural norms of causal sex and one night stands. There is nothing wrong with one night stands and erotic sex. Yet, when we talk about long-term, lasting intimacy with another human being, we need to attend to one essential matter and that it LOVE. For Healthy sexuality, Sarina reminds us that Love is number one. "If there is a true loving connection between partners, then there is always an element of pleasure and connection." ~ Sarina Stone INDIVIDUAL CULTIVATION Sarina describes the importance of individual cultivation, which is cleaning out your negative belief patterns and emotional residue, so that your internal system in flowing smoothly and freely. She also discusses the importance of having a loving connection to yourself first, so that you can then enter into a deeper, more loving, intimate connection with your partner. As you develop yourself, you expand your capacity to connect with your partner. Sarina explains that every level you attain on the path of self-development, your sex is going to get better. "We will never live into the deepest connection or deepest pleasure we are capable of until we make love, trust, and connection our primary goals" ~ Sarina Stone Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and tips. MENTIONED: Sarina Stone's website (website) Women's Health Products (on Sarina Stone's website) Men's Health Products (on Sarina Stone's website) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP071: How To Use Sexual Energy To Improve Your Health And Relationship If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me. SHARE THIS:

GUEST: SARINA STONE Sarina Stone is an internationally renowned Medical Chi Kung (Qigong) instructor, Abdominal Massage expert, Natural Health Advocate and author of eight books. After two decades of study in northern Thailand with Tao Master, Mantak Chia, Ms. Stone has developed multiple self-help tools for stress relief, conscious manifestation, physical health and longevity. Known for her light-hearted approach to health and wellness, Sarina Stone is a colorful, beloved speaker and educator across the globe. OUR THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS DIRECTLY IMPACT OUR PHYSICAL HEALTH. Many of us, (myself included) go through life feeling preoccupied, distracted, and overwhelmed. It is easy to overlook our inner world (i.e. what we are thinking, what we believe, what we feel, and what we sense in our body), and how it affects our overall well-being. It is easy to loose touch with ourselves. In this episode, Sarina Stone talks with us about the important relationship between our thinking and emotional patterns with our physical health and relationship health. Sarina uses quantum physics, psychology, Taoism, and Medical Chi Kung to describe this direct relationship between the mind and the body. She defines: Taoism – as the way of nature (the philosophy of handling any situation in a natural way). Medical Chi Kung – as scientific energy work. OUR PERSONAL HEALTH DIRECTLY IMPACTS THE QUALITY OF OUR RELATIONSHIPS. In Sarina's work, she encourages people to work on themselves. She claims that as people clear out harmful thinking and emotional patterns their health and relationships dramatically improve. "In order to have a healthy relationship with someone else, one must be in a healthy relationship with themselves." ~ Sarina Stone At the end of the episode, Sarina leads us in a short exercise to learn how to bring more emotional balance to our personal experience. Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and tips. MENTIONED: Sarina Stone's website (website) Sarina Stone's Inner Smile Practice (web page) Sarina Stone's personal story on Life Changing Stories (podcast) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 070: How To Gain Emotional Balance In Your Relationship With Sarina Stone If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me. ..

Recently, I watched The Psychology of Self-Motivation, by Scott Geller, which is a TEDx video. Usually, when I find a piece (article, video, qoute) that I like, I post it to my social media channels and then I move on. However, Scott's points stuck with me. I remember thinking to myself, "why am I continuing to think about this video so much?" It was a wonderful talk, but it didn't strike me as a life changing video. As I pondered, I began to see how important his points are to relationships and couples. Do we feel empowered in our relationships? Do we feel self-motivated to create the relationships we desire? WHAT IS YOUR MOTIVATION LEVEL IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP? In Scott Geller's talk, he poses three questions to help determine your level of motivation, which are based on research findings 3 QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF TO DETERMINE YOUR MOTIVATION LEVEL 1. CAN YOU DO IT? DO YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN DO IT? Do you have the time, knowledge, and skill to develop the type of relationship you desire? When you believe in your capabilities, psychologists call this self-efficacy. Most people do not have an inspiring relationship model and do not know what a healthy, authentic, thriving relationship looks like. People generally enter into relationship and marriage with a ton of expectations. For couples who are extremely stressed with meeting their basic needs (i.e. having enough money to pay for basic expenses), it is difficult to put forth the time, energy, and resources into strengthening their relationship. 2. WILL IT WORK? DO YOU BELIEVE THE PROCESS WILL WORK? Do you believe your process or behaviors will help you achieve your relationship goals? Geller explains that in order for people to be motivated to engage in a process, they need to gain knowledge and understanding of how the process might work. This often happens through education, research, theory, demonstration, and training. Unfortunately, many people still think relationship coaching or couples therapy is for people who really have "problems." Or they see it as a last resort. Yet, most people are ill equipped to navigate a lasting, intimate relationship successfully. The process of developing a lasting, healthy, authentic, and passionate relationship takes a certain level of awareness, willingness, and practice. This is why I created the Empowered Relationship Couples Program, so that you have all the information, tools, and resources you need to build a solid foundation for your relationship success. Relationship Coaching is another great way to get direction, feedback, and support in working through relationship challenges and establishing a solid foundation for your relationship. 3. IS IT WORTH IT? DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE ULTIMATE OUTCOME? Is the end result worth it? Whatever your relationship goals are will be your outcome (i.e. to have a healthy, strong, loving relationship). If you answered "yes" to these three questions, you feel more competent and more self-motivated. CHOICE: When you believe you have a sense of choice of what you are doing you feel more self-motivated. Geller stated, when he is working to get a positive consequence he feels good. Whereas, when he is working to avoid an aversive consequence, he feels controlled. He pointed out how often people are seeking to avoid pain rather than seeking pleasure. Here are a few examples: Going to class to not fail (rather to learn). Following the speed limit to not get a ticket (to contribute to safety on the road). Eating a salad instead of a burger and fries to not get fat (rather that to feel nourished and healthy). The way you view your choices has a big impact of whether or not you will feel self-motivated. "It is how you communicate with others and how you communicate to yourself." says Scott Geller. "Be mindful of the choices you have and talk about being a success seeker rather than a failure avoider." ~ Scott Geller COMMUNITY: People who perceive a sense of relatedness, a sense of connection with others, feel more motivated and are happier. Most people feel uncomfortable and are unwilling to talk about their relationship dynamics with others. People are often afraid of being perceived negatively, or they feel bad about their relationship challenges. Generally, people feel very alone and isolated with their relationship struggles and feel little support in cultivating a strong, healthy, and fulfilling relationship. In many wedding ceremonies, there is a section where family and friend's are invited into an agreement to uphold the couple's union. To remind the couple when they go through dark times of their love and commitments. This is a beautiful intention, as we need each other and the social support. Yet, in practice, most people think offering feedback on the topic of intimate relationship is off limits and too personal. How do we build a sense of community? How do we support each other and lift each other up? I want to hear from you. Please comment below. "We can always learn from each other. We need to have the humility to accept feedback, and the courage to speak up. We need to help each other feel (competent and) self motivated." By Scott Geller MENTIONED: The Psychology of Self-Motivation, By Scott Geller (TEDx video) What Does The Development Of Intimacy Look Like In Relationship? (article) My Personal Story – What Led Me Into The Field Of Couples Work And Relationship Coaching (podcast episode) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 069: Have You Lost Motivation In Your Relationship? If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Kathryn Foster, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice in Ft Worth, Texas.With a masters degree in marriage family counseling and a Ph.D. in Psychology, she has practiced psychotherapy for 27 years. She is also the author of two novels of psychological interest- Sessions: Memoirs of a Psychotherapist and Finding My Way. She has written two nonfiction companion books to The Naked Truth About Men (And Romance). They are What Women Want….Really! (written for men but meant to be read by couples) and When Your Relationship Changes (how to find strength). In episode 32, Dr. Kathryn Foster talked with us about the biological and hormonal differences between men and women, which impacts our language, emotions, needs, and desires in relationship. All of these differences influence the way men and women seek connection and what we expect in a relationship. Women primarily want to feel emotionally close through talking and sharing, and men primarily want to feel emotionally close through sexual intimacy. In this episode, Dr. Kathryn Foster continues the dialogue by describing the differences between men and women's brain structure. She states women are largely motivated by empathy and are wired to discern emotion in others. Whereas men are largely motivated by valuing systems and hierarchy and are wired to actively build strategies and systems. When men and women enter into a conversation their approach and desires are often very different. She claims it is important for us to understand these differences, so that we can learn to understand and love each other more fully. Kathryn offers us some helpful direction in how to communicate more effectively with one another. She gives us specific tips and suggestions on how to work with and manage our brains, so that we can become better partners and cultivate more connection in our relationships. "The great living experience for every man is his adventure into the woman. The man embraces in the woman all that is not himself, and from that one resultant, from that embrace, comes every new action." ~ D. H. Lawrence These are podcast show notes. Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips. MENTIONED: ERP 032: The Naked Truth About Men And Women In Romance – With Dr. Kathryn Foster (podcast episode) Dr. Kathryn Foster (website) Books By Kathryn Foster, PhD (website) The Naked Truth About Men (And Romance) (Amazon book link) What Women Want….Really!: A pocketbook guide for men (Amazon book link) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 068: What Women Really Want… Really! With Dr. Kahtryn Foster If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Ever wonder why we blame those we love? It often stems from self-protection and the need to deflect negative feelings. Blame can create disconnection and diminish intimacy, leaving us feeling resentful and powerless. Breaking free from the victim mentality is crucial to reclaiming personal power. Instead of assigning blame, tackling uncomfortable emotions head-on fosters honest communication. Highlighting positive contributions from partners can transform relationships, making them more fulfilling and connected.

Kathlyn Hendricks, Ph.D., BC-DMT*, is an evolutionary catalyst and contextual disruptor. She has been a pioneer in the field of body intelligence and conscious loving for over forty years. Katie has an international reputation as a seminar leader, training professionals from many fields in the core skills of conscious living: authenticity, response-ability and appreciation. She is the co-author of twelve books, including the best-selling Conscious Loving, At The Speed of Life and the new Conscious Loving Ever After: How to Create Thriving Relationship at Midlife and Beyond. Katie has been a successful entrepreneur for over forty years and has developed a unique coaching and leadership program that has trained hundreds of coaches in the U.S. and Europe. She co-founded the Spiritual Cinema Circle and the virtual Body Intelligence Summit, which will move into its third year in 2016. She has appeared on over 500 radio and television programs and traveled well over one million air miles as the ambassador for the work that she and her husband Gay Hendricks have developed. * Kathlyn earned a Ph.D. in Transpersonal Psychology and has been a Board Certified-Dance/Movement Therapist of the American Dance Therapy Association since 1975. In this episode, Kathlyn Hendricks talks with us about how criticism and blame get in the way of true intimacy in relationship. She offers perspective on the damaging cycle of criticism between partners. She gives us some important keys into shifting out of criticism. She also provides some valuable tips about how to create change in your relationship even if your partner is not on the same page. Katie helps us look at what is possible when you end criticism and blame in your relationship. KEY POINTS TO CONSIDER: Blame and criticism are the number one relationship killers, as they are the reason why most people leave their close relationships. Criticism creates a sense of shrinking away and distancing response in the person being criticized. Criticism erodes at the positive bond and connection in relationship. Criticism almost always comes from a fearful place: the experience of "I am scared of something, and I look over and I think it is you that is making me scared." Criticism creates a fear and adrenal cycle that keeps partner's hooked in a negative loop and prevent them from creating intimacy. The only thing to do with criticism is to stop it, by making a commitment to end criticism and blame. It is important to see criticism as a defensive move and look at the underlying experience. By committing to stop criticism and blame, partner's make room for genuine appreciation, support, and giving and receiving quality attention. In each moment, we have a choice in relationship, to either expand in learning and authenticity or close up in protection. We can't do both. Be sure to listen to the podcast episode to hear more valuable tips, as well as how to specifically move out of a critical stance. MENTIONED: Conscious Loving Ever After: How to Create Thriving Relationships at Midlife and Beyond, by Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks (book) Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment, by Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks (book) Conscious Loving 5 video series, by Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks (videos on website) Foundation For Conscious Living (website) Hendricks (website) Hendrick's Trainings (website) Hearts In Harmony (Facebook page) PROGRAM: HOW TO TURN CRITICISM INTO LOVING COMMUNICATION REGISTER HERE. TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 066: How To Move Out Of Criticism Into Love & Appreciation If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest about criticism in romantic relationships. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.