Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

LISTENER'S QUESTION: "After searching the web for answers and finding nothing closely related to the situation at hand in our family, I thought perhaps you could provide some great insight on the issue. I have four adult children, one son (32), 3 daughters (26, 25, 25). The issue is the following and involves only my daughters and their boyfriends; Ever since my daughters have begun dating as young adult women, their relationships have become so complex and sometimes broken with the added element of having boyfriends in the picture. What happens is that the boyfriends tend to get involved in sister to sister conversations, events, disagreements, and it compounds the issue and affects the whole family dynamic, especially affects their sister to sister relationship, trust, and loyalty. When the girls were little or even teenagers, they were protective of each other, took care of each other, and had a lot of fun family times. Now, with the boyfriends in the picture, it is seemingly tearing their relationships apart with distrust and disrespect and creating distance between them as sisters. My girls sometimes come to me individually with complaints and ask for my opinion/ insight but as hard as I try to be impartial and objective, my input has not been fruitful. I am hoping you could provide some suggestions. As a Latino family, we tend to be very tight-knit versus individualistic. My daughters' boyfriends are Caucasian AND their families tend to be more individualistic, where their family involvement in the relationship has not been that much of an issue. Not sure if the cultural element is actually that significant or not, just thought I would mention it. It is hard for me to believe that I could not find any information on this topic on the web as I don't think this dynamic is highly unusual. I am hoping that you can provide some suggestions on this topic as I highly respect the wise and insightful advice that you offer on your podcasts. Please help! Thank you, Concerned mother" (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.) Given the recent U.S. presidential election, I find it so interesting that this topic was scheduled for today. It is fair to say, Americans are pretty divided and feeling a whole range of emotions this week. Cultural differences affect us nationally, globally, and personally. HERE ARE SOME TIPS TO NAVIGATE CULTURAL DIFFERENCES MORE SKILLFULLY: 1. EVALUATE THE APPROACH Sometimes, we need to evolve our systems. This happens when we need to incorporate new factors or the old system is no longer working. One of the benefits of tradition is that it provides a sense of structure, stability, and consistency. Differences or diversity often provide more dimension and fullness, yet it can take more intention and collaboration to work through the complexities to get there. It can be helpful to evaluate what is currently working about the approach, and what is currently not working. This evaluation and openness to questioning can bring up a lot of emotion (i.e. grief, fear of the unknown, etc.). More diversity can be stressful. In Dana I. Nixon's paper, "The Relationship Experience of Latina/o-White Couples," she discusses how interenthic couples endure more stress due to the of lack of family and social support. She also notes how interenthic couples have to explain and justify their reasons for wanting to be together, whereas monoethnic couples do not. When the traditional path does not work anymore, it requires us to take more ownership of a new path. 2. ENGAGE IN COLLABORATION Intention: Before engaging and addressing differences with loved ones, it is super important to be clear on your intention. Are you coming from a place of love and wanting to cultivate connection or are you wanting to be right, by trying to influence, convince, and persuade? Are you interested in understanding their perspective? Are you curious about their thinking, feelings, and experience? Do you truly respect and honor their position? Are you willing to see value in their approach? Are you open to being patient, understanding that the process make take more time than you would like? Understanding: Human developmental stages. Young adulthood is the stage of "intimacy versus isolation." Differentiation is a normal and important part of coming into adulthood (i.e. seeing yourself as different than your parents). Racial identity development: Ferdman and Gallegos Model of Latino Identity Development 1. White Identified – Individuals identify as white and the view, values and beliefs as such 2. Undifferentiated/denial – Individuals claim a color-blind mentality and race is not important 3. Latino as other – Individuals who hold no stake in a subgroup, often cause by the uncertainty of his or her heritage 4. Subgroup-Indentified – Individuals have strong identification with specific subgroup within the Latino culture, belief that all other subgroups are subordinate 5. Latino-Identified –Individuals believe race is fluid and society is a dualistic construction of race. 6. Latino- Integrated –Individuals understands our society in terms of race and identified with the larger Latino community Helms' White Racial Identity Development Model 1. Contact Status–oblivious to and unaware of racism 2. Disintegration Status–conflicted over irresolvable racial moral dilemmas 3. Reintegration Status–regression to White superiority and minority inferiority 4. Pseudoindependence Status–painful or insightful encounter or event that jars the person from the reintegration status 5. Immerion/emersion Status–an increasing willingness to confront one's own biases 6. Autonomy Status–values diversity, is no longer fearful, intimidated, or uncomfortable with discussions of race, and is active in seeking interracial experiences. How is their overall health? Are they thriving in their life (i.e. career, friendships, physical health, emotional health – seem happy)? Dialogue: With good intentions and desire to understand, you will be in a much better position to engage in a productive and collaborative dialogue. You may want to meet with them each individually to learn more about their perspective on the issues. You may want to meet with all three of your daughters to discuss how you all can work together to support each other. If all is going well and the commitment is there, you may want to have a meeting with your daughters and their respective partners. Support: It can be helpful to ask how each person wants to be supported. Each couple will have different boundaries and ways they want to engage in the larger family. How can everyone support the larger extended family? 3. CREATE A NEW APPROACH Values: Family vs independence Gender roles Power Role of extended family Developing a couple culture & Identity: "Sharing cultures is viewed as having a culture that the couple has co-constructed, which becomes part of the everyday life of the couple. For example, an individual teaches their partner how to cook a traditional dish from their home country, now that dish becomes part of their tradition and co-constructed culture and no longer belongs to one partner (Nixon, 2015)." "Think of themselves as coming from different backgrounds, as all couples do, that merged together in a positive way (Nixon, 2015)." Coping strategies. "Bustamante and colleagues (2011) find that there are several coping strategies that interethnic couples use to deal with stressors relating to culture. These include: gender role flexibility, humor, taking the cultural perspective of one's spouse, recognizing similarities, developing a combined culture, and having an overall appreciation for other cultures (Nixon, 2015)." 4. BELIEVE IN A GOOD Transformation often comes through challenge, struggle, and learning. There is opportunity. One of the hardest things to do is to believe in the process even though everything looks and feels like a mess. MENTIONED: The Relationship Experience of Latina/o-White Couples by Dana I. Nixon (research article) Culture and Family Dynamics by Marcia Carteret, M. Ed. (article) Ferdman and Gallegos Model of Latino Identity Development by Kathleen Covington (article) Helms' White Racial Identity Development Model (article) Racial Identity Development (resource page) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 085: How To Deal With Cultural Issues In Relationship [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me. .

LASER COACHING SESSION WITH LISTENER In this episode, I offer live coaching to help a listener explore her struggles with developing the type of relationship that she ultimately desires. We talk about self-doubt, fear of intimacy, and relationship dreams. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear the conversation and examples to describe these points.) 5 TIPS FOR DEVELOPING A GOOD RELATIONSHIP FIT: 1. Know what is important to you. 2. Honor and trust your values, needs, and desires. 3. Identify when the relationship fit is not working. 4. Be in the experience and practice of creating safety and engagement with your partner. 5. Look at your own capacity for intimacy. TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 084: Relationship Dynamics Not Working, "Is it me or is it you?" ERP 084: RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS NOT WORKING, "IS IT ME OR IS IT YOU?" By Dr. Jessica HigginsPosted in - Podcast0 Comments Audio Player 00:00 00:00 Use Up/Down Arrow keys to increase or decrease volume. Podcast: Play in new window | Download | Embed Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Android | RSS LASER COACHING SESSION WITH LISTENER In this episode, I offer live coaching to help a listener explore her struggles with developing the type of relationship that she ultimately desires. We talk about self-doubt, fear of intimacy, and relationship dreams. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear the conversation and examples to describe these points.) 5 TIPS FOR DEVELOPING A GOOD RELATIONSHIP FIT: 1. Know what is important to you. 2. Honor and trust your values, needs, and desires. 3. Identify when the relationship fit is not working. 4. Be in the experience and practice of creating safety and engagement with your partner. 5. Look at your own capacity for intimacy. TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 084: Relationship Dynamics Not Working, "Is it me or is it you?" Thank you! I would so appreciate your honest rating and review!! Please leave a review by clicking here. If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

GUEST: CHRISTIANE PELMAS Christiane Pelmas has been in private practice as a psychotherapist since 1993. While most concerned with the connection between the human soul and the soul of The World, as inspired by the likes of Carl Jung, Marion Woodman, James Hillman and Clarissa Pinkola Estes, her work includes theory and practice from Ecopsychology, Somatics and Wilderness Therapy. She works with couples and individuals at key threshold crossings, and enjoys the initiations which accompany acute life moments. KEY POINTS TO CONSIDER: What you are expecting from your partner and your relationship? Do you want your partner and relationship to fulfill your every need? There is so much pressure on couples to "do it all" within their nuclear family. It is almost impossible to expect the dyad to be and do everything alone (i.e. two careers, child rearing, house holding, wealth building, mind-blowing sex, etc.). With the stress and expectations on our relationships to fulfilling our every need, we tend to blame and point the finger at our partner when we get let down or disappointed. When we are in a vibrant community (an active, truth-telling community of women and men) we ask less unrealistic things from our intimate partners. Just the right amount of unknown and just the right amount of uncertainty, within a foundation of security and mutual well-being, is necessary in order for us to maintain the dynamism in our partnerships. Both men and women benefit greatly from friendships within their sisterhood or brotherhood communities. When these connections are honest, authentic, meaningful, they help us heal, feel nourished, and be resourced. Intentionally creating healthy community is a form of activism. Couples who are supported by community are much more resilient, playful, curious, respectful and healthy within their relationships. MENTIONED: The ReWilding (Christian Pelmas' website) Women's Wisdom: Card Deck and Guidebook (book & cards) The Good Men Project (website) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 083: How Vibrant Community Helps Support Healthy Relationship With Christiane Pelmas If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or you would like to be on the show, please contact me here. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LISTENER'S QUESTION: "I have recently discovered your podcast and have listened to a couple episodes. I appreciate your insight in many relationship scenarios. I was hoping that you can dedicate an episode or part of an episode to long distance dating and how to sustain it. I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year, and we live one state apart. We seem to have an issue with communication, in that he doesn't like talking on the phone that often and he has 2 jobs so he doesn't have much time to give me. I wouldn't call myself a talkative person, but i do love one-on-one talks and just building a deeper connection. It doesn't seem like he is interested in that, and I feel im taking over the conversation most of the time. I have laid it out clearly that I need consistency and communication in a relationship. Dr. Higgins, is there anything you can speak on regarding what is needed in a long distance relationship and what may be signs that it may not work out." (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.) Long distance relationships are tricky. Partners have to endure the discomfort and pain of not being in each other physical presence, missing out on being together, holding each other, and sleeping together. Many people avoid or refuse to engage in long-distance relationships as it is not for the faint of heart. They require a more energy, effort, and commitment on the front end. However, if you have found someone special and you want to develop the relationship (despite the distance), then you will want to learn how to be more skillful, flexible, and creative. The good news is long-distance relationships can offer some great benefits. They allow you to build a solid foundation, as well as: Have more time to build emotional intimacy. Be more clear and explicit about your needs, desires, and expectations. Have to work through insecurities. so that you can develop more trust in one another. Be less likely to lose yourself, as you will be more likely to keep your independent endeavors, friends, and interests. Feel stronger as a couple having gotten through the challenge of a long-distance relationship. 1. HAVE AN END GOAL IN MIND Set a date when you will be ultimately be together. Know your level of commitment. What are you going to do when things get hard or when you start having doubts? Think about the long-term goal. Stay connected to the relationship payoff and reward, so that the investment will feel worth it. 2. PRACTICE CONSTRUCTIVE COMMUNICATION Develop explicit communication skills. Clear the air when you feel upset. Talk about your experience. Be honest and open about your expectations, needs, desires. Be slow to judge. In a long-distance relationship, there will be a lot of room for misunderstandings and assumptions. Plan ahead together. Have fun dates and trips to look forward to. 3. BE FLEXIBILITY Try different modes of communication: Video conferencing, sending photos, videos, and memes. Be open to connecting when both people are available. It is okay to not talk everyday, as this allows time and space for desire to grow. Rules can drain the flow and natural excitement. Be aware of each other's schedules and stress. Don't keep score: "Believe me, after three years of long distance I've come to realize that sometimes you have to go the extra mile. My girlfriend texts me 100 times more than I text her, I visit her 10 times more often than she visits me, she makes the effort to call me or write me way more than I do for her. But we don't keep score. We each do what we are able to make this work." Submitted by StevenH92 4. DEEPEN YOUR EMOTIONAL INTIMACY Ask deeper questions of one another (see articles below for ideas) – What would constitute a perfect day for you? – If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one quality or ability, what would it be? – Is there something that you've dreamt of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it? – What is the one thing that makes you feel alive? Craft the type of relationship you desire together (i.e. how do you deal with conflict? How do you deal with anger?) Read a personal growth book together. Take the Empowered Relationship Course. 5. HAVE FUN & BE CREATIVE Read a novel or short story together. Play a game together. For example, play "Would You Rather?"… like would you rather be able to breathe underwater or fly? Would you rather know secrets of the past or be able to tell the future? Watch a show together. Take a walk together. Send care packages. "I sent my husband a sapphire ring of mine that he would carry around everywhere, and he sent me t-shirts that smelled of him that I could wear at night so it was like I was getting a cuddle from him. There's something soothing about having something physical that they've touched in your hands." Submitted by Danni Little 6. CREATE SPACE FOR SEXY TIME Phone sex. I get this is probably not your first choice, but it is better than not sharing in your sexuality at all together. Ask questions about sexual beliefs, history, expectations, desires, etc. "You need to seriously trust this person: Scrutinizing everything and constantly questioning them only makes things worse, we both learned that quickly. Your sex life will take a huge toll, so you need to get creative."Submitted by Alisha Cogdell As far signs that the relationship is not working out, I would treat it like any other relationship. Look for signs of: Dissatisfaction, unhappiness, discontent, lack of intimacy, unresolved conflict, and lack of motivation. If you notice any issues, do your best to address them respectfully. MENTIONED: Learn more about the power struggle stage in this article "What Does The Development Of Intimacy Look Like In Relationship? (article) Buzz Feed article "Best Tips For Surviving A Long-Distance Relationship" (article) "36 Questions To Ask Your Partner" (article) "20 Questions To Ask Your Partner That Will Deepen Your Connection (article) "Deep Questions To Ask Your Boyfriend (article) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 082: How To Survive A Long Distance Relationship If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LASER COACHING SESSION WITH LISTENER In this episode, I offer live coaching to help a listener explore what happens for her when she experiences an opportunity for love and connection and she "shuts down." She shares about her desire for love and authentic relationship, as well as her fear of being "too much." Listen to the episode to hear her process and the take aways (that I am sure we can all relate to): How to get out of our heads, and into our hearts. Being "heady" gives us a false senses of protection, in that it actually works against us. How to slow down, breathe, and notice. How to honor our desire, interest, and emotion. How to trust our selves. How to deal with fear of rejection. TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 081: How To Deal With Fear When Opening Up To Love Thank you! I would so appreciate your honest rating and review!! Please leave a review by clicking here. If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me. .

Today, I am sharing with you the second part of my story, where I faced my fears. If you missed the first part of the story, please listen to ERP 079: A Personal Sharing Of My Honoring The Darkness first. Please listen to the episode to hear my story. I would love to hear your feedback. Please comment below. Thank you! MENTIONED: ERP 076: How To Deal With Upset In Your Relationship In A New Way (Laser coaching podcast with a listener) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 080: Finding Family Part II If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or you would like to be on the show, please contact me here. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

When writing the show notes for last week's podcast episode, "ERP 078: How To Honor The Darkness," I realized it might be helpful for me to share a more poignant example of a time in my life where I faced my shadow in a significant way. Please listen to the episode to hear my story. "Why do we choose partners so different from ourselves? It's not fate or chance or cliches like, "the heart wants what the heart wants". We choose our partners because they represent the unfinished business from our childhood. And we choose them because they manifest the qualities we wish we had. In doing so, in choosing such a challenging partner and working to give them what they need, we chart a course for our own growth." ~ Modern Family "Clean Out Your Junk Drawer" "The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure that you seek." — Joseph Campbell MENTIONED: The Lion King (Disney) Click (Wikipedia) Modern Family: Clean Out Your Junk Drawer (episode description) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP: 079 A Personal Sharing Of My Honoring The Darkness If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or you would like to be on the show, please contact me here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

ACKNOWLEDGING OUR SHADOW Last week, I took a yoga class, where the instructor talked about honoring our shadow. She spoke about the fact that we all have parts of ourselves that we don't want to acknowledge. We tend to focus our attention on positive aspirations, sensations, and feelings…like being happy, joyful, and in love. It is not as easy to look at our shadow. WHAT IS OUR SHADOW Put simply, our shadow is our blind spots and the parts of ourselves that we do not want to look at. Our shadow contains our fears, insecurities, and unresolved pain. Have you ever been super upset by something really small and not known why? Chances are you had a good reason for being so upset, but the reason for your strong reaction lies just below the surface of your awareness, within your shadow. Maybe the event triggered a deep, unacknowledged fear or maybe the event reminded you of a past wound that is still tender and raw. FACING OUR SHADOW CAN BE PAINFUL To live fully, it is important to acknowledge the full range of the human experience. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Over the past few days, I have been putting the magnifying glass to my own shadow. It has been an incredibly rich experience. At times, I have laughed at my own immaturity, impatience, and reactivity. At other times, I have gotten in touch with some important emotion I have been wanting to avoid. (Please listen to the podcast episode to hear my examples, stories, and tips.) Honoring my shadow is not a new concept, as I have been in the study and field of psychology for over 22 years. Throughout my professional development, I have studied how to work with the shadow. Throughout personal development, I have gone through many phases of deep inner work and facing issues I had never looked at before. Each time I was confronted with some opportunity to heal a part of my experience. As I embarked on the personal work, I felt uneasy, scared, and uncomfortable. Yet, I have ALWAYS gained something tremendously positive out of the experience. I have never regretted the process, time, or energy spent on my inner work. On this show, there are many times that I talk about and try to illuminate the learning and growth opportunities within relationship intimacy. I try to point out the benefits and value of doing the relationship work. However, I don't always talk about how hard it can feel to face your pain. THE NATURE OF ROMANCE VERSUS THE NATURE OF INTIMACY We all want the experience of love, to be loved and to love fully. Most of us strive to develop a meaningful, lasting, loving relationship. Yet, we get mesmerize by romance and epitomize the warm, fuzzy feelings as the ultimate state of love. We don't know what to do when we are confronted with painful feelings in relationship. When we don't have a framework or a paradigm for how to hold the pain, so we feel extremely threatened and try to push the pain away in various ways. For example, "What is wrong with him, what is wrong with me, what is wrong with us. He doesn't love me. She doesn't care. I can't do this. It will never work." We don't have a roadmap for the development of authentic intimacy. We do not know that intimacy brings out our shadow…our insecurities, fears, and inadequacies, so that we can heal and become more whole. It is almost as if love brings our pain to the surface to transform it…like a purification process. To love someone fully, all parts of their being….in full acceptance and compassion for their humanness, it a powerful experience. We have moments or glimpses of this profound experience of love, yet we get stuck and caught in our own pain and we loose our way. WHAT DO WE DO WITH THE UNCOMFORTABLE FEELINGS? Often, we are so busy proving that we are good people and demonstrating our likability that we deny our darkness and shadow. We try to distance ourselves from the pain. We pretend our pain doesn't exist. We ignore, judge, avoid, and resist. Somehow, we think this will make the pain go away. We might get some short-term relief, but when pain goes unaddressed it will keep reoccurring. When we don't deal with our shadow, we tend to project and blame others. We don't want to take responsibility for our own discomfort, so we make it about other people. We also will get triggered more easily. When we are moving through life in reaction mode, we have no real understanding of our experience. It is just an impulsive reaction, and there is no depth or learning happening. Example: "You are lazy in the bedroom." Versus "It is uncomfortable for me to share what really feels good to me." In my couple coaching program, I give you the support and the tools to deal with projection and triggers, so that you don't stay stuck in the same negative patterns over and over again. It is humbling to connect with our pain. This week, I have been paying attention to my uncomfortable feelings. Can you notice and name some of your uncomfortable feelings? Grief: Jealousy: Anxiety: Sadness: Anger: Fear: 1. VALUE THE FULL SPECTRUM OF FEELINGS. What if you valued all parts of your human experience? What if you put your attention on both the good feelings and the "bad" feelings? How would this impact your growth and development? 2. CATCH JUDGMENTS AND CRITICISM. Somewhere along the line we started judging and criticising and limiting our experience. "It is not okay to be sad. It is not okay to fail. I'm weak. It's not okay to be anger. People will not like me if I am unhappy or negative." We learned it wasn't acceptable to feel a certain way, so we pushed the feelings down. It is time to reteach ourselves how to deal with difficult emotions. 3. LEARN HOW TO BE WITH IT. Try to notice your shadow…the parts that you have labeled as bad, unattractive, or unloveable. Try to meet what is there without trying to change it or make it go away. Can you accept what is there? For a good introductory resource, check out Emotions As Honored Guest, by Stephanie Noble (article). The process of looking at our darkness is counterintuitive. The more we can meet and accept our pain, the faster we will move through it. This week, I encourage you to look at your own shadow. What do you notice? If you are open to sharing, please comment below or post on Empowered Relationship's Facebook page. Let's share our humanness with one another. MENTIONED: Emotions As Honored Guest, by Stephanie Noble (article) Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia by Elizabeth Gilbert (book) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 078: How To Honor The Darkness If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or you would like to be on the show, please contact me here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LISTENER'S QUESTION: "I'm a single mom of a 7 y.o. Boy? separated from dad 5 yrs..bf of 2 yrs is adoring, complimentary, caring….but drinks and only works 2 days a week. I work 35-38 hrs a wk. i am motivated, he is….not. I love him..he's a good person, although has been caught in multiple small lies….he wants US sooo bad and i KNOW he wants to be good and do right but seems to unknowingly play "victim of life". I broke up with him but feel like if i am looking for someone who honestly loves me. He's SOOOOO convincing that he does. My dad is ONLY person that i KNOW loves me bc he's proved that throughout my life by BEING there and taking action and bring true to his word…if he's serious about something he'll do it…if it NEEDS to be done, he'll do it..i only have that example to base love on and i would love to hear ur educated thoughts on if i'm being too critical..if my idea of love is…..biased." (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.) 1. LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH. He can love you fully, but it doesn't mean he wants the same things in relationship. And it doesn't mean he wants to be responsible in partnership. He may love you, and he may not be capable of real relationship. He may love you, and he may not be ready for real partnership. Being an adult in relationship takes a willingness to look at your own stuff, takes ownership, and requires being conscious about what you are creating. 2. VALUES & VISION What do you really want in relationship? What does he really want in relationship? What are your expectations and desires in relationship? What are his expectations and desires in relationship? What are your top values in life? What are his top values in life? Do you have a relationship vision? Does he have a relationship vision? 3. HONOR YOUR HEART What would you love in relationship? What really matters to you in relationship? How do you feel loved (i.e. 5 Love Languages)? 4. GET CURIOUS Can you gather more information? Without blame or shame, can he talk about what is going on for him? Can he tell you what is going on for him when he isn't honest with you or lies? It takes courage to hold a space of wondering, especially when you do not know if you are going to like the answers you will get. However, you ultimately want to work with what is real, as this will allow you to make progress in the cultivating a loving, lasting relationship. 5. START SMALL Get clear and explicit about your agreements. Are you both contributing to the creation of the agreement? If your partner does not buy into the agreement, it can feel like a demand. Make the agreement doable. Start small. MENTIONED: ERP 006: Making And Keeping Agreements To Strengthen Your Relationship (podcast episode) The 5 Love Languages (book) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 077: What Happens When Your Partner Is Not Responsible? If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LASER COACHING SESSION WITH LISTENER Please listen to the episode to hear the whole coaching session. MAIN POINTS 1. You can't change your partner. 2. You CAN work with your partner, if they are willing. 3. By having a different conversation (exploring a new way of dealing with conflict), you will gather more information (i.e. Is your partner interested, are they able, are they willing). 4. Don't make agreements that you cannot keep, even if it means disappointing your partner. 5. Develop a new system for dealing with upset (i.e. how do we approach each other, how we deal with pain, upset, and disappointment). How do we both get our needs met when there is a conflict? Developing a new dynamic together takes time and support. There are a lot of reasons why we gravitate towards certain tendencies and patterns. This is where relationship coaching can be really effective. MENTIONED: How To Know If You Are Too Critical In Relationship & Why What Does The Development Of Intimacy Look Like In Relationship? TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 076: How To Deal With Upset In Your Relationship In A New Way Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. I would so appreciate your honest rating and review!! Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.