Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

LISTENER'S QUESTION: A while back, I received a question from a listener who was going through an extremely painful time with his wife. One of his greatest pains was she was pulling away, just as he was starting to learn how to be a better partner. He described trying to encourage her to belief in them and believe in their marriage. Yet the harder he tried, the further she would distance from him. "Having listened to your podcast constantly and really trying to practice what I am learning in therapy I have, in some ways consciously and with effort and in some ways seemingly unconsciously, been changing my behavior/the way I talk, listen, and respond. The problem is that it seems as though I am the only one doing any work/making any effort. My wife will be the first to admit that she avoids confrontation at all costs. Is there something I or our therapist can say/do to help my wife realize that she is going to have to do some things that make her uncomfortable/things she doesn't necessarily want to do because they are good for the healing of the marriage?" WE CAN'T CONTROL OUR PARTNER. As much as we would like to at times, we can't choose how our partner will think, feel, and behave. Trying to fight with them or trying to convince them will probably only make things worse…like getting into the distancer-pursuer dynamic. THE BEAUTY & THE RISK The beautiful and yet risky reality is we co-create relationship together in relationship. Both people participate in this process. If one person isn't willing or isn't interested, then it is almost impossible to move forward in a life-giving and sustainable way. WILL THEY COME AROUND? Maybe. In my dissertation research, I found that sometimes when one partner started to grow and develop a growth orientation towards relationship, the other would later follow. However, this is not a guarantee. As we all know, the divorce statistics are still very high…50% of marriages end in divorce, and the divorce rate is even higher for second marriages. Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson have a developmental model of couplehood and they talk about 4 reasons why people get stuck in the process. Partners typically get stuck in the second stage, as they stagnate, break-up, or seek help. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.) 4 REASONS WHY PARTNERS GET STUCK IN RELATIONSHIP: 1. We do not have the emotional strength. We don't have the capacity (tolerance to deal with emotional upset). We label negative emotions as bad. We don't know how to be with our pain or be with the pain of our partner. It feels too hard and we want to quit. Substance issues. Physical or mental health illness. Resiliency research. "Ready For Anything" By Steven M. Southwick and Dennis S. Charney: Fast Facts: Armed against adversity: Ability to modulate and constructively harness the stress response – a capacity essential to both physical and mental health. Success can hinge on resilience. Setbacks are part of any endeavor, and those who react to them productively will make the most progress. A personal can boost his or her resilience. Strategies include reinterpreting negative events, enhancing positive emotions, becoming physically fit, accepting challenges, maintaining a close social network and imitating resilient role models. 2. We do not have the awareness and understanding of what is required to develop further. We don't know the skills we need to develop inside ourselves and within the relationship. We don't see our patterns, triggers, and growth work. Check out ERP 093: How The "Shadow" Influences Our Growth In Life And In Relationship With Dr. Keith Witt. We don't know what to expect. Check out ERP 058: Beyond the Wedding. What is Marriage Really Like? 3. We have ineffective ways of dealing with conflict. We are scared of conflict. Fear of being blamed or shamed. Fear of feeling not good enough or not okay. Fear of being rejected or abandoned. Fear of feeling unsafe (i.e. emotional attacks). 4. We don't have a model or path of successful relationship. Without a model, it is easy to worry, doubt, and want to quit. Good feelings = good relationship We don't have a growth mindset. We don't see what is possible WHAT YOU CAN DO DIFFERENTLY: Build emotional strength and resilience. Build awareness of what is required of you to develop further. Gain effective ways of dealing with conflict. Develop a successful relationship model. Stay tuned…I have been hard at work creating a really great program to give you the support, structure, and guidance to do exactly this! In the meantime, check out this free ebook "7 Ways Relationships Fail (And what you can do to save yours)" MENTIONED: Survey – Empowered Relationship Feedback (survey link) "Ready For Anything" By Steven M. Southwick and Dennis S. Charney: (article) ERP 093: How The "Shadow" Influences Our Growth In Life And In Relationship With Dr. Keith Witt (podcast episode) ERP 058: Beyond the Wedding. What is Marriage Really Like? (podcast episode) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 094: 4 Reasons Why Creating Lasting Love Is So Difficult [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

GUEST DR. KEITH WITT Dr. Keith Witt is a Licensed Psychologist, teacher, and author who has lived and worked in Santa Barbara, CA. for over forty years. Dr. Witt is the founder of The School of Love, at www.drkeithwitt.com, where he offers his six Books, his six hour audio class Loving Completely, the School of Love Lecture Series, blogs, Therapist in the Wild webseries, and Integral Conversations audios and videos on health/love/relationship/sexuality/spirituality/development/psychotherapy related topics. He has given three TEDx talks, all available on his website. In this episode, Dr. Keith Witt talks with us about the "shadow' and the interface between the known and the unknown (and the shadow and conscious awareness). He also helps us understand how we can increase our awareness, so that we can work with our shadow more constructively to expand our capacity for living and loving. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to gain access to the full conversation, points, and examples.) SOME OF MY FAVORITE QUOTES AND POINTS BY DR. KEITH WITT: Our nervous systems are exquisitely tuned to approval and disapproval and exquisitely tuned to being accepted and not accepted. We actually mark our own develop when we look at how our emotions, feelings, impulses, and judgments change as we grow throughout our lives. They change first at a conscious level, but then they work their way into our unconscious level. Bringing this awareness with acceptance and caring intent to that interface between you and me, between what is known and not known, accelerates development. It accelerates intimacy, if we do it between each other, and it accelerates my own intimacy with myself (my own development), if I do it internally. You can't deny instincts. What you have to do with instincts is give them a more progressive form of expression. You can't push them down. With couples, when you feel one of those primitive instincts coming up and you can be aware of it, if it is not in shadow and unknown – you can bring it into the light of awareness, then you can give yourself and your partner a better option. Noticing these instincts and giving ourselves a better option is one of the ways that we establish and maintain intimacy. We make up stories about each other, which could be negative or positive stories. These stories inform our feelings, thoughts, and impulses. Our negative stories tend to be routinely distorted. Awareness regulates. Modern couplehood (like marriage) is the most demanding relationship in the world. Being aware of your facial expression and tone of voice is an incredibly powerful yoga. Being safe in modern society involves trusting compassionate understanding and being suspicious of any kind of understanding that isn't compassionate understanding. We have that capacity for violence, when we feel threatened, and the more we understand it and are aware of it, the more we can transmute that into assertive action rather than aggressive action…into creating love rather than creating divisiveness. MENTIONED: Dr. Keith Witt (website) Shadow Light: Illuminations at the Edge of Darkness (book) ERP 050: Exploring Love & Consciousness with Dr. Keith Witt (podcast episode) ERP 078: How To Honor The Darkness (podcast episode) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 093: How the "Shadow" Influences Our Growth In Life And In Relationship with Dr. Keith Witt [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LASER COACHING SESSION WITH LISTENER In this episode, I offer coaching to help a listener explore her struggles with fear, doubt, and old programing as she develops intimacy in relationship. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear the conversation and examples to describe these points.) 5 TIPS FOR DEVELOPING A NEW PATTERN: 1. Recognize your pain point and old pattern, and when you feel triggered (i.e. "I don't feel like you believe me." "I work hard to get you to validate my perspective."). 2. Slow down. Show up for yourself. Make a choice to try something new (i.e. "I am not going to hustle like I am used to doing. I am going to try a new way of dealing with this trigger or pain point.") 3. Give yourself the support you need to have a new pattern (i.e. "What I am feeling makes sense. It is real and true."). 4. Accept what your partner has to give in that moment. It may not be what you want, but struggling with them to give you what you want will probably not work. If they are open, you can help them understand you better and they may be able empathize and soften. However, they ultimately have a choice in how they show up for you. (Ideally, you and your partner will want to work together to understand each other better, to help take care of each other, and to relate in ways that feel good to you both. This takes time and process.). 5. Believe in your worthiness, your values, and the type of relationship you desire. You get to choose what you invest your time, energy, and effort into. TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 092: How To Get Unstuck From Old Patterns When Cultivating A Love Relationship [Transcript] Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

FIRST LISTENER'S QUESTION: "I often listen to your podcast and try to learn from it as much as possible. Your podcast has provided me an ample amount of knowledge and made me flexible to various aspects of being in a relationship. Thank you. I came across a girl on a matrimony website and we have seen each other only 3 times in past 9 months of knowing each other as we stay in different states. The last meet we had was to talk about our trust issues by building our communication skills and whether she still wanted to continue seeing me. It was good for a week after our talk but then she went back to ignoring my texts and phone calls. I understand that she is busy with 3 jobs (1 full-time and 2 part-time including her accounting business) but without getting acknowledged for my texts or calls for days, sometimes weeks or none reply at all; I feel agitated building tension between us. I don't know how to tackle this situation as I want to give her space but feel that I might lose her if not in frequent touch. Your help is highly appreciated." SECOND LISTENER'S QUESTION: "I'm pretty new to your podcasts, but they're currently helping me through a pretty confusing and difficult time. I'm in a wonderful relationship with a man whom is everything I would want on paper. I actually wrote out a list of all the character traits I would want in a man a few months before we started dating– he checks off all of them! The problem is that lately we've grown into this odd dynamic that I don't really know how to explain. This relationship started as the most supportive, loving, healthy relationship that I've ever been in. However, lately it feels forced and inauthentic. We have had a few hiccups with some health problems. We've also had some "discussions" (never really arguments) about his friends, who were initially not welcoming to me at all and still make me feel very uncomfortable on most occasions with crass behavior and crude comments about pretty much everything. However, my boyfriend has never engaged in or encouraged this behavior– at least not around me or to my knowledge! Although we interact very healthily– and if anyone saw us from the outside they would likely say we are the "perfect couple"– there's this unnameable tension that exists and makes me feel more and more disconnected with him every day. I'm worried that maybe I chose to be in a relationship with him for the wrong reasons (the logical side of my brain tends to rule my decisions), and now am paying the price. Before I go , I just want to say thanks for providing a wonderful show that's helping me to get more in touch with my own feelings and take control of my desires and needs in my relationship." (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.) 6 WAYS TO DEAL THE TENDENCY TO "TRY HARDER"IN RELATIONSHIP 1. Be aware of compromising yourself and your values. It can be easy to justify and rationalize behaviors that don't work for you (i.e. you are doing or that your partner is doing). Think about what is most important to you, and then try to prioritize that value. If you undermine yourself or your values, you will likely feel bad about yourself and/or your situation. Your integrity is important for the health of your relationship long-term. "I love myself more." 2. Find balance. Be careful to not reach too far beyond yourself. You want your partner to meet you. You don't want to convince, persuade, or manipulate them into being with you. You want to strive for mutual giving and receiving, as well as reciprocal effort. When the balance is off-center, it can lead to weird dynamics and games (i.e. power issues, commitment issues, resentment and hurt feelings). 3. Allow space for your partner to be in. Allow your partner to choose you. Give your partner room to step towards you. You want your partner to want to be with you… to be engaged and invested. If you consistently do more of the work, you might not really trust they are with you. You might not believe they will have your back, when you need them. 4. Honor your cues. Listen to your inner signs and signals; don't ignore them. You may hear your intuition speak to you. You may notice physical symptoms (i.e. tightness in the throat, clenched stomach, etc.) Slow down. Breathe. Own your experience. If you are not honest, it can lead to withholding and resentment, as well as unhelpful expectations and projections. It may be helpful to wonder: What do you feel when you are around your partner? Are you scared? Feeling pressure? Feeling anxious? Are you afraid of getting rejected? Not being good enough? What do you do when these feelings come up for you? Acknowledging your experience will help you see more clearly. 5. Be honest about what your partner is showing you and telling you. Yes, we project on our partners. We have a story about them. Be careful to not hold to your story more than being open to what your partner is showing you. What does your partner show you over and over again? It is easy to want to believe in potential, but be sure to reality check with what you are actually experiencing. Listen to what they tell you. Mixed messages. "He is just not that into you." 6. Trust in yourself, trust in life. Believe in your worthiness and goodness. Know that you are capable of love. Believe in the possibility of relationship and that it is available for you. Listen to the inner wisdom that tells you "You are more than your current circumstance." Yes, your fear will come up. Your patterns will come up, but turn your focus and attention to your belief in yourself and in life. You have an inner knowing and inner guidance. You are worthy. Trust. "So now I know what I have to do. I have to keep breathing. And tomorrow the sun will rise, and who knows what the tide will bring in." – William Broyles Jr., Cast Away One step: If you are caught in a pattern of "trying too hard," can you practice one of these tips? Which one will it be? Please let me a comment below. I would love to hear about it. TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 091: Is "trying harder" the best option in relationship? [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LOVE LANGUAGES To learn more about Love Languages; a description of each Love Language, and how to determine you and your partner's Love Language, check out the first part of this conversation on ERP 089. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.) CAN YOUR LOVE LANGUAGES CHANGE? Depending on your life circumstances, you may become more attracted to a different love language, and your love language may change. For example, let's say your love language has been "words of affirmation." Then, you become a new parent, and your desire for "acts of service" grows, thus making your new primary love language "acts of service." Another example of a love language changing would be a husband looses his job and is feeling a lack of confidence and is feeling insecure. During this time, he may value "words of affirmation" more than his previous love language of "physical touch." CRITICISMS OF THE LOVE LANGUAGES There are a few criticisms of the Love Language theory. Here are a few: They are too general and vague, and it doesn't account for the psychology and complexities at play. The love languages are not based in academic or research-based findings. Gary Chapman is a Christian counselor and he brings his theology into the later portions of his book, which may be off-putting for some people. The Love Languages can be used to justify codependent tendencies. For example, you need your partner to provide love in a particular way and you view your partner as your only source of love. Another challenging dynamic is that of keeping tabs; "I'll scratch your back, if you scratch mine." In this case, partner's give with strings attached or with an expectation of reciprocation. The love languages can be a great tool to help you express love and care to your partner. If you truly understand their position and experience, then you will be more likely to want to help and support them to feel loved. HOW LOVE LANGUAGES CAN BE USED TO CREATE A POSITIVE CYCLE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP Giving and receiving love and affection in ways that matter most (ways that resonate deeply and authentically) will help nurture and strengthen your connection with your partner. Love languages can be used to lift each other up, especially when delivered with a positive attitude. Using your partner's love language will help build a spirit of generosity within your relationship. Within a positive cycle, you and your partner will be more motivated to continuously help each other. You can communicate explicitly. For example, "I am wanting to help you feel cared about and special. Here is one way I am thinking about doing this… Would that work for you?" When you give even just a little in the way of your partner's love language, it will go a long way for them. HOW LOVE LANGUAGES CONTRIBUTE TO NEGATIVE CYCLES IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP When partner's lack of awareness, understanding or interest in the love languages, it can lead to miscommunications and misunderstandings. When love is not communicated (felt or received in a relationship), individuals can feel hurt, angry, and resentful. Love languages can be used to tear someone down (see examples below). Partner's can unknowingly criticize each other's love language, which can be even more painful (i.e. gifts are just materialistic). When partner's experiences a lack of love in their language, or a rejection of their love language, they will often feel unimportant, unworthy, and unloved, Here are some examples: Words of affirmation: Harsh words or tone of voice can be particular painful for someone with this love language. Just as positive words will lift your partner up, negative comments will tear them down. Physical touch: Going long periods of time without physical connection could lead your partner to feeling unloved and discouraged. If you do not make any effort to reach out to touch them, they may feel hurt and unimportant to you. Inappropriate or hurtful touch, like poking, prodding in a antagonizing way will be more upsetting for someone with this love language. Act of Service: Not following through with something you said you were going to do will result to feelings of hurt, disappointment, and upset. They will most likely feel as though you don't really care when it comes down to it, especially when they hear words and see no action. Quality time: When one partner is frequently distracted or preoccupied, their partner can feel as though they don't matter. They may have thoughts like "their phone is more important than I am. Or cleaning the house is more of a priority than I am." In times of distress, ignoring or stonewalling can be immensely painful for someone with this love language. Gifts: Overlooking gifts and thinking they are unimportant will often lead to feelings of hurt, upset, and pain for your partner. They may conclude that you don't care or that you didn't consider them. USING LOVE LANGUAGES FOR THE HOLIDAYS Expectations: It is important to have honest conversations about expectations and hopes for the holidays, especially with consideration to love languages. Typically, partners will go to great efforts to show love and affection to their partner and then feel let down when their partner doesn't appreciate their gift. When dynamics are already strained, this disappointment can lead to resentment, unhappiness, and discouragement. Talking about your expectations can help prevent hurt, tension, and conflict during the holidays. Awareness: Each person is going to come into the relationship with different family traditions. It can be helpful to talk about ahead of time what traditions you want to do together. Which ones do you want to keep, which ones do you want to let go and what new ones do you want to create together? Intention: Many couples are so busy with the additional events and ways of giving that they will lose connection with their normal ways of bonding. In this climate, couples can feel lonely and disconnected. It is important to attend to the priority of your relationship. Can you do more together, rather than doing things separately? Or during a family event, can you take a moment to pay special attention to each other? (Be sure to listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear gift ideas for each love language.) An invitation: Do one thing in your partner's primary love language. For an added bonus you could try a 7 day challenge. Maybe you make a conscious effort to touch your partner everyday or tell them something you appreciate about them. Or bring them a small gift to let them know you have been thinking about them. Let me know how it goes. MENTIONED: The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman (book) Love Language Quiz (website) The Sex Starved Marriage – TED Talk TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 090: How To Use Love Languages To Strengthen Connection – Part Two [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

WHAT ARE LOVE LANGUAGES?: Love languages are a tool to help us understand how we each give and receive love differently. This is particularly important to know if you are in a long-term intimate relationship because, most likely, you and your partner have different primary love languages. Which means you and your partner could be trying to express love to one another, but could be completely missing each other. This can be extremely frustrating and lead to feelings of disappointment, loneliness, and disconnect. The love languages give us 5 basic categories of how love is generally expressed and received (felt). If you want to communicate your love with your partner, it will be helpful to know what language they typically use. Similarly, if you want to feel loved by your partner, it will be important to know what matters most to you (i.e. what ways help you feel loved). In 1996, Gary Chapman wrote "The Five Love Languages." Since then, his categorization of love has been highly recognized in popular self-help literature. He has written several additions helping people apply the 5 Love Languages to other relationships (i.e. parenting and professional relationship, etc.). (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.) WHAT ARE THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES?: 1. Words of Affirmation: Words are used to express love, care, and regard. People with this primary love language are deeply moved by statements of affection, acknowledgment, and encouragement. They want to hear you say you love them, or what they mean to you. Examples: "You look great!" "I love how you make me laugh." "You mean the world to me." 2. Physical Touch: Physical affection is used to display love, appreciation, and meaning. For people with this primary love language, physical, appropriate touch is a powerful way to feel and communicate love. It is almost as if touching is a way to transmit love. Examples: Touching each other when you leave the house and again when you return with a hug or kiss. Snuggling or sitting close while watching a movie. Touch on the back or arm, when walking by. Love making. 3. Acts of Service: Acts of service are any actions done with someone in mind. Most often they are service-oriented actions intended to support or help, so that their partner may feel cared for, thought about, and loved. People with this primary love language often feel that "actions speak louder than words." Words and gestures will not help them feel loved, if there is no action to support the sentiment. Examples: Cooking a meal. Taking care of chore (i.e. cleaning up the house, getting the car serviced and cleaned). Running an errand (i.e. picking up the dry cleaning). Taking action on a project. 4. Quality Time: Giving someone your undivided attention, focus, and presence demonstrates how much they matter, how special they are to you, and how much you love and care for them. People with this love language feel loved, cared for, and important when prioritized in your schedule to receive valuable quality time with you. Examples: Schedule time to be together. Minimizing distractions (i.e. tv. Phones, tablets, computers, etc.). Attending to one another in an activity that allows you to focus on the other person. Sharing a meal together. Doing an activity together. 5. Gifts: Tangible objects are used as symbols of love, affection, and regard. Physical representation of I am thinking about you and I love you. People with this primary love language feel especially loved and cared about because of the thought and effort that goes into the gift. It is not about the money spent. It is about the attitude involved. Examples: Framed photo. Personalized memento. Picked up your favorite drink. Bought something that I think you would like (i.e. pleasure item, luxury item, need item, or fun item). HOW TO DETERMINE YOU AND YOUR PARTNER'S LOVE LANGUAGE: Typically, people have a top one or two love language. The highest ranking love language is the number one way people feel loved, cared for, and valued. Usually, the thing we give most often indicates our primary love language. Notice in yourself: What do you typically give to your partner? What is most natural and easiest way to give love? When you think about expressing love to your partner, what is the first thing you think about? Think about what is more important to you by comparing the love languages together. For example, would you feel more loved and cared about if someone went out of their way to buy you a nice gift or if they spent ample time with you giving you their attention and warmth? Observe in your Partner: What does your partner typically give to you? How do they express care, regard, and love to others? What do they complain about not getting in relationship with you or others? What do they request the most? SIGNS THAT YOUR PARTNER SPEAKS THIS LOVE LANGUAGE: 1. Words of Affirmation: They are good at expressing their feelings and how much you mean to them. They may describe in detail what they appreciate about you and explain all the reasons why they love you. They might leave you voice messages throughout the day, write you cards and give you poems. They will also be moved by receiving a nice compliment or written acknowledgment. 2. Physical Touch: They tend to initiate physical contact and closeness. They will want to hug you hello and hug you goodbye. They will touch you when they talk and want to sit close while watching a program. While walking down the street they may want to link arms, hold hands, or walk hip to hip. They may relax and feel happiest within your embrace. 3. Acts of Service: They tend to put a lot of effort into doing things for you. They will want to help out, lighten your load, and take things off your plate. If you talk about something that needs to get done, they will often volunteer or may take the initiative to do it for you without your asking them. They will think about you and how they can help. When someone goes out of their way to do something nice for them, they will feel extra special and feel that they were worth the effort. 4. Quality Time: They tend to be very present when hanging out. They give you good eye-contact and are very good listeners. They will see the time together as special and protect the quality of connection, by keeping distractions to a minimum. They rarely multitask when spending time together and will typically prefer one-on-one time opposed to group gatherings. When someone drops what they are doing to be available, they feel important, cared for, and like they really matter. 5. Gifts: They tend to give a lot of little gifts…framed photos, trinkets, and mementos. They may be sentimental about objects that represent a shared experience or family history (i.e. a shell found on the beach together). They may collect things or appreciate high-quality items. They will buy gifts to celebrate life events and milestones. When receiving a thoughtful gift, they will feel especially cared for and may cherish the gift as a symbol of love. Take the Love Language quiz. MENTIONED: The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman (book) Love Language Quiz (website) ERP 011: How Technology Impacts Our Relationships (podcast) The Sex Starved Marriage – TED Talk TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 089: How to use Love Languages to strengthen connection [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

HOLIDAY, DREAD, AND BLUES The season for "holiday cheer" can also be a season for stress, anxiety and angst. We tend to put a lot of expectations on ourselves and it can be difficult to manage these at times. Managing our stress and expectations can especially difficult when we are feeling down, lonely, or challenged. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.) Here are some things that contribute to the holiday stress and blues: Unrealistic expectations of self (i.e. amount of time you have to give). Unrealistic expectations of others (i.e. quality, loving family time). Comparing yourself to others and feeling inadequate. Previous painful memories associated with the holidays. Recent loss of a loved one or hardship (i.e. loss of job). Denying feelings of loneliness, grief, or anger. Isolating or feeling not good enough to share in festivities. Being away from family and friends (i.e. unable to travel). Evaluating your life negatively (i.e. not meeting certain goals, disappointments from the year). Challenges with difficult family dynamics. When people feel stressed, they often resort to bad habits, such as drinking too much alcohol or caffeine, eating too much, eating unhealthy foods, spending too much, not getting enough exercise, and not getting adequate sleep. 5 WAYS TO COPE WITH HOLIDAY STRESS, DREAD, AND BLUES 1. Slow Down Breath and get centered in the moment. Your life is happening now, not tomorrow or two weeks from now. If you are preoccupied with the past or the future, then you are disconnected from life and all that is available to you. Shut out the noise (i.e. limit exposure to advertisements). Have discernment about what you let into your world (i.e. frenetic shopping mall). Don't overbook yourself. Say "no" to an invitation if it feels like it will be too much. It may hurt a little to disappointment someone you care about. Set your own pace. You get to decide how fast or slow you move through your day. Prioritize your well-being. 2. Connect Acknowledge your feelings and connect with yourself first. Be real about what you are feeling, what you need, and what you desire. If you are feeling sadness or grief about a recent loss, it is okay to take time to cry and be sad. Honor what is true for you. Reach out to others. Even if you feel lonely or isolated, find opportunities to be social and/or join in community. Even if you do not feel up for it, you may get a lot of value from connecting with others and feeling companionship. Look for moments to be present with another person. It is surprising how looking at someone in the eyes and giving them a smile can brighten your day. Get involved with a good cause and volunteer your time or talent. Making a difference in someone's life can be a great way to lift your spirits. Also, you may build some new connections and friendships by volunteering. Practice acceptance with difficult family members. You may wish circumstances where different, you may wish a family member was different, or you may wish your relationship was better, but can you accept things the way they are for the moment. You may receive a great sense of grace in accepting someone or something, even if it is not what you would like or prefer. Connection is not always in the beauty and joy; it is often in the pain and vulnerability as well. 3. Be You & Do You Be honest and real. You do not have to live up to some ideal or perfectionist expectation. You may be in a different phase in life, where the traditional holiday festivities don't resonate or appeal to you. Do what you would love. Give yourself the freedom to do what feels good and meaningful to you. Do something different from what you have done in the past. Change it up. Create a new family tradition or try something new this year (i.e. "Gifts from the heart," share photos and videos with family). 4. Take Care Be gentle with yourself. It can be easy to focus on your imperfections and mistakes, as you want to be at your best this time of year. However, thinking negatively about yourself will only bring you down. Try to offer understanding and encouragement to yourself. You will feel better and make better decisions. Cut out activities that drain you (i.e. turn on music instead of watching TV). Plan ahead and give yourself a budget and a schedule you can stick to. Make a point to schedule quality time with someone who adds to your life in a positive way. Get out and play. Laugh. Try to do something that brings you joy. 5. Take a breather. Take breaks throughout the day to clear your mind and reconnect with yourself. You will feel more refreshed and centered as you accomplish your tasks. Build in time for restoration and relaxation. This will help you combat the cumulative effect of stress. Be mindful and intentional about incorporating above tips (i.e. slow down, connect, be you and do you, take care). You can choose how you move through this season. Care for yourself and prioritize your health and well-being. MENTIONED: ERP 074: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship (podcast) ERP 075: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship – Part Two (podcast) Stress, depression and the holidays: Tips for coping (article) Managing Holiday Stress (article) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 088: How To Cope with Holiday Stress, Dread, and Blues [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LISTENER'S QUESTION "I sought out your podcast a few days ago and have found it very helpful for the difficult situation my relationship is currently in. My partner lost his job a couple months ago due to downsizing at his company. Since then he's also lost a lot of confidence, reignited many insecurities, become extremely negative about everything related to job searching, been unmotivated. Meanwhile, I work hard 40 hours a week so it's really hard for me to remain positive and supportive. I would love to hear an episode that could speak to this." If you missed part one to this conversation, please check out episode ERP 086. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.) HERE ARE 6 (OF 8) TIPS ON HOW TO HANDLE THE STRESS, SUPPORT YOUR PARTNER, AND SUPPORT YOURSELF THROUGH THIS DIFFICULT TIME: 3. CREATE A PLAN As soon as possible, sit down together and look at your budget. Be honest about what the loss of the income will mean for your family. Look at where you can scale back for the moment (i.e. cleaning service, laundry service, personal trainer, massage, dining out funds, premium TV, etc.). Develop a plan together. Working together will help prevent uncertainty, assumptions, and expectations. Having a plan together could offer a sense of support and closeness as a couple. Re-evaluate your family responsibilities. Check out these two podcast episodes ERP 063: How To keep Your Relationship Strong (when she is more successful) & ERP 064: How To keep Your Relationship Strong (when she is more successful) – Part 2 4. OFFER SUPPORT: Check out this podcast episode ERP 003: 6 Ways To Be Supportive (When Your Partner Wants Your Attention) Some of the common ways to offer support are; Listening, Empathy, Encouragement, Challenge, Feedback, and Physical presence. 5. ATTEND TO YOUR NEEDS: Notice how you feel towards your partner. Ask for what you need. Share with him. Let him support you. Let him show up for you. Don't make it all about him. Set limits and boundaries for yourself. Take time to fill your own cup (i.e. time with friends, exercise, etc.). Check out this podcast episode ERP 083: How Vibrant Community Helps Support Healthy Relationship With Christiane Pelmas. 6. RECRUIT OUTSIDE SUPPORT: Even though it may be vulnerable to connect with friends and family at this time, let them offer support in ways that they can. Utilize local groups. Hire a professional (i.e. coach, therapist, etc). Get into nature. 7. GET CREATIVE: Look for activities that do not cost money, so that you will have ideas to pull from when you want to do something together. Host a potluck one evening. Go on a bike ride or a hike. Many big-city zoos and museums have occasional "free" days. Give each other foot or neck massages. Search online for no-cost date ideas. Make time for each other that is nurturing and loving. Volunteer together. 8. HAVE AN ABUNDANCE MINDSET: Focus on what you do have instead of what you do not have. Take about highlights from the day or week. Share gratitudes. Find things to appreciate about one another. Focus your attention on to the present moment. Use your breath as an abundance exercise. "A proactive and positive mindset will differentiate you from the masses, making all the difference in how "lucky" you get in an unlucky economy. It will even determine whether you one day look back on this time with some measure of gratitude for what you gained from it—whether it was the chance to re-evaluate your life, spend extra time with your family, teach your kids about budgeting, or to simply re-affirm what matters most." By Margie Warrell From "Bouncing Back from Job Loss: The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Job Hunters" MENTIONED: ERP 063: How To keep Your Relationship Strong (when she is more successful) (podcast) ERP 064: How To keep Your Relationship Strong (when she is more successful) – Part 2 (podcast) ERP 083: How Vibrant Community Helps Support Healthy Relationship With Christiane Pelmas. (podcast) ERP 003: 6 Ways To Be Supportive (When Your Partner Wants Your Attention) "Bouncing Back from Job Loss: The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Job Hunters" By Margie Warrell (article) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LISTENER'S QUESTION "I sought out your podcast a few days ago and have found it very helpful for the difficult situation my relationship is currently in. My partner lost his job a couple months ago due to downsizing at his company. Since then he's also lost a lot of confidence, reignited many insecurities, become extremely negative about everything related to job searching, been unmotivated. Meanwhile, I work hard 40 hours a week so it's really hard for me to remain positive and supportive. I would love to hear an episode that could speak to this." (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.) Getting laid off or let go from a job can be an extremely upsetting event. HERE ARE SOME THINGS TO CONSIDER AS YOU NAVIGATE THIS CHALLENGING TIME: EGO BLOW: Losing a job can: Shake one's identity and self-definition. Who am I? Put one's self-worth into question. What is my value? Trigger old feelings of inadequacy and insecurities. ""At this point, I'm so terrified of rejection, I don't know how to go back out there and try again." As a multitasking, very verbal woman, I often inundate Dan with ideas of thisses or thats—the things he could do to get a job. And I frequently get silence in return. I've come to realize, finally, that it's not that he doesn't want to try my ideas. Instead, the problem is that Dan's wound is deep enough that it might take awhile to heal." By Caitlin Shetterly From "6 Things Your Unemployed Husband Might Never Say Out Loud" UPSET & LOSS: Often, there is a natural grieving period (i.e. shock, resentment, sadness). People's process will range from a few weeks to several months. Losing a job can put serious mental and emotional strain on someone (i.e. depressive symptoms). People can feel embarrassed, ashamed, and humiliated, especially when facing loved ones, family, and friends. Losing a job may bring up feelings of failure, vulnerability, and anxiety, ""I love you; I just don't love myself that much right now." Your husband might be telling you this already. Only it might come out like, "May I make you a sandwich to take to work with you?"" By Caitlin Shetterly From "6 Things Your Unemployed Husband Might Never Say Out Loud" INCREASE OF STRESS: Stress is real. It is important to pay attention to the stress impact. When one person is going through a really difficult time, it often puts stress on the relationship. Stress can magnify or amplify relationship tensions or issues. Check out these two podcast episodes on the impact of stress. ERP 074: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship & ERP 075: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship – Part Two "But whether the reason you lost your job has everything to do with your perceived performance, or absolutely nothing, it's how you respond in the wake of it that will set you apart from others when it comes to finding a new job." By Margie Warrell From "Bouncing Back from Job Loss: The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Job Hunters" HERE ARE 2 (OF 8) TIPS ON HOW TO HANDLE THE STRESS, SUPPORT YOUR PARTNER, AND SUPPORT YOURSELF THROUGH THIS DIFFICULT TIME: 1. LISTEN Be silent with him. Allow him to talk and "empty the cup." If you give him time, space, and interest, he will reveal more. Be patient. Empathize, if you can. Feel with him. Even when communication is hard, it is important to keep the lines open. 2 BELIEVE: Don't buy into his negative story. See his strengths, resources, and capabilities, even if he can't. Encourage him when the time is right. Attempt to have a balance between validating and hearing him (and the hardship) and believing in him (he can get through this). One of the hardest things to do is to believe in the process when it looks like a mess. Recognize the negative basis. MENTIONED: ERP 074: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship (podcast) ERP 075: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship – Part Two "Bouncing Back from Job Loss: The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Job Hunters" By Margie Warrell (article) "6 Things Your Unemployed Husband Might Never Say Out Loud" By Caitlin Shetterly (article) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 086: How To Handle The Stress From Your Partner's Lost Job – Part One [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LISTENER'S QUESTION: "After searching the web for answers and finding nothing closely related to the situation at hand in our family, I thought perhaps you could provide some great insight on the issue. I have four adult children, one son (32), 3 daughters (26, 25, 25). The issue is the following and involves only my daughters and their boyfriends; Ever since my daughters have begun dating as young adult women, their relationships have become so complex and sometimes broken with the added element of having boyfriends in the picture. What happens is that the boyfriends tend to get involved in sister to sister conversations, events, disagreements, and it compounds the issue and affects the whole family dynamic, especially affects their sister to sister relationship, trust, and loyalty. When the girls were little or even teenagers, they were protective of each other, took care of each other, and had a lot of fun family times. Now, with the boyfriends in the picture, it is seemingly tearing their relationships apart with distrust and disrespect and creating distance between them as sisters. My girls sometimes come to me individually with complaints and ask for my opinion/ insight but as hard as I try to be impartial and objective, my input has not been fruitful. I am hoping you could provide some suggestions. As a Latino family, we tend to be very tight-knit versus individualistic. My daughters' boyfriends are Caucasian AND their families tend to be more individualistic, where their family involvement in the relationship has not been that much of an issue. Not sure if the cultural element is actually that significant or not, just thought I would mention it. It is hard for me to believe that I could not find any information on this topic on the web as I don't think this dynamic is highly unusual. I am hoping that you can provide some suggestions on this topic as I highly respect the wise and insightful advice that you offer on your podcasts. Please help! Thank you, Concerned mother" (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.) Given the recent U.S. presidential election, I find it so interesting that this topic was scheduled for today. It is fair to say, Americans are pretty divided and feeling a whole range of emotions this week. Cultural differences affect us nationally, globally, and personally. HERE ARE SOME TIPS TO NAVIGATE CULTURAL DIFFERENCES MORE SKILLFULLY: 1. EVALUATE THE APPROACH Sometimes, we need to evolve our systems. This happens when we need to incorporate new factors or the old system is no longer working. One of the benefits of tradition is that it provides a sense of structure, stability, and consistency. Differences or diversity often provide more dimension and fullness, yet it can take more intention and collaboration to work through the complexities to get there. It can be helpful to evaluate what is currently working about the approach, and what is currently not working. This evaluation and openness to questioning can bring up a lot of emotion (i.e. grief, fear of the unknown, etc.). More diversity can be stressful. In Dana I. Nixon's paper, "The Relationship Experience of Latina/o-White Couples," she discusses how interenthic couples endure more stress due to the of lack of family and social support. She also notes how interenthic couples have to explain and justify their reasons for wanting to be together, whereas monoethnic couples do not. When the traditional path does not work anymore, it requires us to take more ownership of a new path. 2. ENGAGE IN COLLABORATION Intention: Before engaging and addressing differences with loved ones, it is super important to be clear on your intention. Are you coming from a place of love and wanting to cultivate connection or are you wanting to be right, by trying to influence, convince, and persuade? Are you interested in understanding their perspective? Are you curious about their thinking, feelings, and experience? Do you truly respect and honor their position? Are you willing to see value in their approach? Are you open to being patient, understanding that the process make take more time than you would like? Understanding: Human developmental stages. Young adulthood is the stage of "intimacy versus isolation." Differentiation is a normal and important part of coming into adulthood (i.e. seeing yourself as different than your parents). Racial identity development: Ferdman and Gallegos Model of Latino Identity Development 1. White Identified – Individuals identify as white and the view, values and beliefs as such 2. Undifferentiated/denial – Individuals claim a color-blind mentality and race is not important 3. Latino as other – Individuals who hold no stake in a subgroup, often cause by the uncertainty of his or her heritage 4. Subgroup-Indentified – Individuals have strong identification with specific subgroup within the Latino culture, belief that all other subgroups are subordinate 5. Latino-Identified –Individuals believe race is fluid and society is a dualistic construction of race. 6. Latino- Integrated –Individuals understands our society in terms of race and identified with the larger Latino community Helms' White Racial Identity Development Model 1. Contact Status–oblivious to and unaware of racism 2. Disintegration Status–conflicted over irresolvable racial moral dilemmas 3. Reintegration Status–regression to White superiority and minority inferiority 4. Pseudoindependence Status–painful or insightful encounter or event that jars the person from the reintegration status 5. Immerion/emersion Status–an increasing willingness to confront one's own biases 6. Autonomy Status–values diversity, is no longer fearful, intimidated, or uncomfortable with discussions of race, and is active in seeking interracial experiences. How is their overall health? Are they thriving in their life (i.e. career, friendships, physical health, emotional health – seem happy)? Dialogue: With good intentions and desire to understand, you will be in a much better position to engage in a productive and collaborative dialogue. You may want to meet with them each individually to learn more about their perspective on the issues. You may want to meet with all three of your daughters to discuss how you all can work together to support each other. If all is going well and the commitment is there, you may want to have a meeting with your daughters and their respective partners. Support: It can be helpful to ask how each person wants to be supported. Each couple will have different boundaries and ways they want to engage in the larger family. How can everyone support the larger extended family? 3. CREATE A NEW APPROACH Values: Family vs independence Gender roles Power Role of extended family Developing a couple culture & Identity: "Sharing cultures is viewed as having a culture that the couple has co-constructed, which becomes part of the everyday life of the couple. For example, an individual teaches their partner how to cook a traditional dish from their home country, now that dish becomes part of their tradition and co-constructed culture and no longer belongs to one partner (Nixon, 2015)." "Think of themselves as coming from different backgrounds, as all couples do, that merged together in a positive way (Nixon, 2015)." Coping strategies. "Bustamante and colleagues (2011) find that there are several coping strategies that interethnic couples use to deal with stressors relating to culture. These include: gender role flexibility, humor, taking the cultural perspective of one's spouse, recognizing similarities, developing a combined culture, and having an overall appreciation for other cultures (Nixon, 2015)." 4. BELIEVE IN A GOOD Transformation often comes through challenge, struggle, and learning. There is opportunity. One of the hardest things to do is to believe in the process even though everything looks and feels like a mess. MENTIONED: The Relationship Experience of Latina/o-White Couples by Dana I. Nixon (research article) Culture and Family Dynamics by Marcia Carteret, M. Ed. (article) Ferdman and Gallegos Model of Latino Identity Development by Kathleen Covington (article) Helms' White Racial Identity Development Model (article) Racial Identity Development (resource page) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 085: How To Deal With Cultural Issues In Relationship [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me. .