Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

About Dr. Lonnie Barbach: Dr. Lonnie Barbach, a clinical-social psychologist, was co-director of clinical training at UCSF medical centers sexuality program and is currently in private practice. She has received numerous awards for her work on sexuality and has written a dozen books on relationships, sexuality and menopause. Her best-known books include: For Yourself, The Erotic Edge, The Pause and Going the Distance, co-authored with her partner, David Geisinger, Ph.D. She is also cofounder of Happy Couple a relationship game app designed to enhance a couple's communication and satisfaction. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) In this episode, Dr. Lonnie Barbach and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss: Dr. Barbach's work in enabling couples to create a safe and intimate relationship without a mediator. Being able to talk about your feelings, not just your thoughts. Withholding feelings and power imbalances. The unique sexual being that is each individual person. Prioritizing the bond and relationship. The evolution of sexuality and relationships and life. Creativity and unique expression in sexuality and relationships. "Safety has a lot to do with feeling sexual." — Dr. Lonnie Barbach Mentioned: Website: LonnieBarbach.com App: HappyCouple.co Books: For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy The Pause: Positive Approaches to Perimenopause and Menopause Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins: Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins Twitter: @DrJessHiggins Website: drjessicahiggins.com Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

In this episode, Dr. Dain Heer and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss: What a gentleman is and what it means to be a holistic you. Masculinity and how it appears in relationships. The masculine and feminine traits that we all possess and embracing them in our lives. How to look at the judgments, rules, and expectations we live by and work with them, so that you can connect with what is truly you. Getting present with the secrets within yourself – "today's secret is tomorrow's lie." The five elements to intimacy. Living your life without judgment and with gratitude, honoring, joy, and allowance. "When you first get together, you will see them not through the eyes of judgment, but through the eyes of possibility." — Dr. Dain Heer (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) About Dr. Dain Heer: Dain Heer is a popular speaker, author and inviter to greatness and consciousness. Originally raised in the ghettos of Los Angeles and trained as a chiropractor, Dr Heer is also the co-founder of a diverse range of businesses around the world. A conscious and creative thought leader with a profound understanding of the power of personal creation, Dr. Heer draws upon his background and unique perspective to facilitate positive change in the world, and empower people from every culture, country, age and social strata to create the money, relationships and life they truly desire. Mentioned: Twitter: @dr_dainheer Facebook: Dr. Dain Heer Website: ReturnoftheGentleman.com & DrDainHeer.com & AccessConsciousness.com Book: Return of the Gentleman YouTube: Dain Heer LinkedIn: Dr. Dain Heer Instagram: @dainheer Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins: Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins Twitter: @DrJessHiggins Website: drjessicahiggins.com Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

Several listeners have posed the question "How do I get my partner to go to therapy?" Or "How do I get my partner to go to therapy with me?" Today, I am going to give you some guidelines to consider when approaching this conversation with your significant other. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) DISCUSSED IN THIS EPISODE: How difficult it is to watch someone you love hurting, in pain, and struggling. Or how painful it is to want to get support with your partner and they are resistant to the process. An important consideration to remember when thinking about your partner (and what they are going through) and the whole relationship dynamic. Questions to ask yourself before starting the conversation with your partner. Ways to get clear on the frame or intention of the conversation. Eleven recommendations to consider as you navigate this vulnerable conversation. Guidelines to help you stay focused on a productive conversation. Tips around what to watch out for and common pitfalls. MENTIONED: ERP 181: HOW DO I KNOW WHEN MY RELATIONSHIP IS OVER? (Podcast) ERP 036: HOW TO OFFER THE GIFT OF LISTENING (Podcast) ERP 154: HOW TO GET RELATIONAL SUPPORT WHEN DEALING WITH ILLNESS & CHRONIC PAIN WITH DR. JACKIE BLACK (Podcast) ERP 109: HOW BEING GENTLE WITH YOUR PARTNER CAN MAKE A BIG DIFFERENCE (Podcast) Photo by Harli Marten on Unsplash (photo credit) CONNECT WITH DR. JESSICA HIGGINS: Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins Twitter: @DrJessHiggins Website: drjessicahiggins.com Email:jessica@drjessicahiggins.com TRANSCRIPT: ERP 182: HOW TO ENCOURAGE YOUR PARTNER TO GO TO THERAPY [TRANSCRIPT] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO? Unfortunately, there may come a point in relationship, where we are in enough distress, discontent and disconnect, that we question our relationship or marriage. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) DISCUSSED IN THIS EPISODE: Four relationship dealbreakers (in general) that extremely difficult to overcome. Often, we need to say no to unhealthy patterns, to take a stand for health and connection. When saying "no," we are saying no to the behavior or dynamic, not our partner. Life can feel complicated with various stressors (i.e., financial and career stress, parenting and family issues, health and mental health issues,, etc), and it can be difficult to have clarity on the root issues. 11 areas of relationship dysfunction to consider when evaluating the health of your relationship. Ultimately, you have to make a decision. No one can tell you what is right. Do your best to get clear and aligned in your own body, heart, mind and gut. MENTIONED: ERP 165: HOW TO MANAGE SUBSTANCE ABUSE ISSUES AND RECOVERY IN RELATIONSHIP – DR. ROBERT NAVARRA (Podcast) ERP 175: HOW TO HEAL FROM AN AFFAIR – AN INTERVIEW WITH SCOTT WOOLLEY (Podcast) ERP 104: HOW CAN INFIDELITY MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP STRONGER?(Podcast) ERP 149: 4 THINGS TO CONSIDER WHEN YOU ARE UNCERTAIN ABOUT A DECISION (Podcast) ERP 125: HOW KINDNESS CAN STRENGTHEN YOUR LOVE (Podcast) ERP 128: HOW KINDNESS CAN STRENGTHEN YOUR LOVE – PART TWO(Podcast) ERP 129: HOW KINDNESS CAN STRENGTHEN YOUR LOVE – PART THREE(Podcast) ERP 130: HOW KINDNESS CAN STRENGTHEN YOUR LOVE – PART FOUR(Podcast) ERP 131: HOW KINDNESS CAN STRENGTHEN YOUR LOVE – PART FIVE(Podcast) ERP 001: TURNING CONFUSION INTO CLARITY (WHEN YOU ARE FEELING STUCK IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP) (Podcast) Photo by Megan Menegay on Unsplash (photo credit) CONNECT WITH DR. JESSICA HIGGINS: Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins Twitter: @DrJessHiggins Website: drjessicahiggins.com Email:jessica@drjessicahiggins.com If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

GUEST GABRIELLE USATYNSKI: Gabrielle Usatynski, MA, is a Licensed Professional Counselor at Power Couples Counseling in Boulder, CO. She has been in private practice since 2008 and specializes in couples therapy. She is trained in PACT (a Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy). Gabrielle has been named 2018 and 2019 Best Marriage Counselor of Louisville by the Louisville Awards Program. She teaches a masterclass on personality disorders in couples therapy to other clinicians in the Boulder area. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) IN THIS EPISODE, GABRIELLE USATYNSKY AND DR. JESSICA HIGGINS DISCUSS: What it means for a person to have a personality disorder. How a personality disorder develops. The evolution of our understanding of personality disorders over time. Mistakes we tend to make when trying to learn if our partner has a personality disorder. What to keep in mind when looking for a good partner and what to focus on when developing a quality relationship. How to have a good relationship with someone who has a personality disorder. "We don't do things differently with people who have personality disorders than we do with people who don't. We're still holding the same container for people to create relationships that are based on safety and security, that are based on distress relief, fostering each other's wellbeing, boosting each other's self-esteem – these types of principles that couples can subscribe to, because we know that's what makes relationships work." — Gabrielle Usatynsky Change occurs … "when they choose to commit to something greater than themselves, and that is the relationship." — Gabrielle Usatynsky CONNECT WITH GABRIELLE USATYNSKI, MA: Website: PowerCouplesCounseling.com Book: How to Stop Stressful Fights with Your Partner MENTIONED: Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship, by Dr. Stan Tatkin CONNECT WITH DR. JESSICA HIGGINS: Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins Twitter: @DrJessHiggins Website: drjessicahiggins.com Email:jessica@drjessicahiggins.com If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

In this episode, Bento Leal and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss: How Bento got involved in the field of relationship skills. Some of the biggest problems in interpersonal communication. The 4 Keys to Effective Communication. The number one skill for everyone. It's not just about receiving information, it's about getting where the other person is coming from, especially on an emotional topic. Listen all the way through, don't get defense or take it as an attack to try and hurt you. There are listening rules and speaking rules, which all start with an undercurrent of respect. When kids can see their parents talk about things in a skillful way, they will feel safe and see that their parents are able to work things out. "Nurture your relationship garden. Each relationship is its own garden." — Bento Leal (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) About Bento Leal: Bento Leal is a Relationships Skills Trainer and Bestselling Author who has taught marriage and relationship skills classes and parenting skills classes to more than 2500 couples and singles at family resource centers, community organizations, churches, substance abuse recovery programs, county jails and federal prison. In 2017, he published his first book "4 Essential Keys to Effective Communication in Love, Life, Work—Anywhere!" It continues to be an Amazon Best Seller in several categories and has sold more than 40,000 copies. Mentioned: Website: BentoLeal.com Email: Bento@BentoLeal.com Book: 4 Essential Keys to Effective Communication in Love, Life, Work – Anywhere! Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins: Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins Twitter: @DrJessHiggins Website: drjessicahiggins.com Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

Last week's episode (177), I discussed how difficult it can be when feeling distressed, threatened, and reactive to engage in comfort with a significant other. As one of my clients puts so well "Why would I want comfort from you, when you are they one that is causing me pain!" Many of us did not get the experience of having comfort when we were young. Thus, we developed ways to deal with it, but more importantly, we don't have an internal system that we can trust to turn towards comfort and soothing in relationship. In episode 177, I offered some of the research to help give some general guidance in how to offer comfort. It is worth noting that there are typically some gender differences to consider, when offering comfort. Here is an article that might be helpful when contemplating how to offer comfort to a man: How to Comfort a Man, Co-authored by Paul Chernyak, LPC For women, I would point to the tips mentioned in episode 177: Accept and listen to your partner. Understand the hurt. Be with the pain. Offer reflection and validation. Offer care and help. Show remorse, if appropriate. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) Today, we are going to explore how to offer comfort to your partner in ways that are specific and unique to them. DISCUSSED IN THIS EPISODE (REFERENCING WIRED FOR LOVE, BY DR. STAN TATKIN): The importance of learning what comfort feels like for your partner. How to become an expert on your partner. Learning ways to lift up, reassure, and comfort when your partner is feeling vulnerable. Knowing your specific vulnerabilities. Knowing your partner's specific vulnerabilities. Knowing the antidotes to your vulnerabilities Knowing the antidotes to their vulnerabilities. In successful relationships,"Both partners seem to have read and carefully studied the owner's manual for their relationship and for each other." by Dr. Stan Tatkin MENTIONED: ERP 177: How to offer Comfort to Your Significant Other (podcast) Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship, by Dr. Stan Tatkin How to Comfort a Man, Co-authored by Paul Chernyak, LPC ERP 068: What Women Really Want…Really! With Dr. Kathryn Foster (podcast) Relationship Map (opt-in download) Dr. Susan Johnson (website) Dr. John Gottman (website) Photo by Yuri Levin on Unsplash CONNECT WITH DR. JESSICA HIGGINS: Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins Twitter: @DrJessHiggins Website: drjessicahiggins.com Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

Discussed In This Episode: During stress, ways we get it wrong when we try to comfort our partner. How offering physical and emotional closeness is one of the most powerful ways to offer comfort. Ways to provide physical closeness (i.e. hugging, holding, sitting close). General ways to offer emotional closeness: 1. Accept and listen to your partner. 2. Understand the hurt. 3. Be with the pain. 4. Offer reflection and validation. 5. Offer care and help. 6. Show remorse, if appropriate. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) Mentioned: ERP 176: How to Give and Receive Influence – an Interview with Dr. Keith Witt (podcast) Relationship Map (opt-in download) Dr. Susan Johnson (website) Dr. John Gottman (website) Photo by Gus Moretta on Unsplash Connect With Dr. Jessica Higgins: Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins Twitter: @DrJessHiggins Website: drjessicahiggins.com Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com Transcript: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

In This Episode, Dr. Keith Witt And Dr. Jessica Higgins Discuss: Understanding intersubjectivity – the unique space that exists between two people. Recognizing the powerful impact and influence of our emotional states on each other in relationship. Learning how to manage and shift out of reactive, defensive, and negative states and how to amplify positive states. Attending to the three foundations of a relationship; tending to your friendship, love affair, and capacity to heal injuries. Love can work between almost any human being if they're willing to learn how to cultivate positive, effective states with each other and regulate the negative states. "In general, what characterizes a happy couple is that mostly they have positive states towards each other; they're mostly influencing each other with positive emotions." – Keith Witt Mentioned: ERP 093: HOW THE "SHADOW" INFLUENCES OUR GROWTH IN LIFE AND IN RELATIONSHIP WITH DR. KEITH WITT (podcast) ERP 050: EXPLORING LOVE & CONSCIOUS EVOLUTION WITH DR. KEITH WITT (podcast) Shadow Light: Illuminations at the Edge of Darkness (book) Integral Mindfulness: From Clueless to dialed In (book) The Attuned Family: How To Be a Great Parent To Your Kids and a Great Lover To Your Spouse (book) Sessions:: All Therapy Supports Relationships Integrating Towards Unity (book) The Gift of Shame: Why We Need Shame and How To Use it To Love and Grow (book) Waking Up: Psychotherapy as Art, Spirituality, And Science(book) Loving Completely: A Five Star Practice for Creating Great Relationships (book) Dr. Keith Witt – A Five Star Practice for Creating Beautiful Relationships (TEDxAmericanRiviera) Two rules for guys: Dr. Keith Witt (TEDxAmericanRiviera) 100 reasons not to have the secret affair: Keith Witt(TEDxAmericanRiviera) Connect With Dr. Keith Witt: Website: www.drkeithwitt.com Books: amazon.com/Keith-Witt Connect With Dr. Jessica Higgins: Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins Twitter: @DrJessHiggins Website: drjessicahiggins.com Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com Transcript: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 176: How to Give and Receive Influence – an Interview with Dr. Keith Witt If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins and Dr. Scott Woolley discuss: Understanding the motivating factors of an affair and trusting it won't happen again. The internal working models of attachment about who we are, who other people are, and how we relate to them. The destructive impacts of taking revenge, public shaming, and waiting to make significant decisions. Key Takeaways: The three motivating factors for affairs are a reaction to what's going on or an attempt to change the relationship; protest or revenge; and relationship burnout. When talking to your partner about their pain and you are expressing genuine remorse over the suffering they are experiencing, you are with them at a fundamental level, and that starts the healing process. If people want to go through the process to save their relationship, it's possible, but it will take a lot of dedicated time and work for both partners, but it can be accomplished. "Don't give up on healing your relationship; it's possible that your relationship can be better than it has ever been." - Scott Woolley If you have a topic you would like me to discuss; please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me. Connect with Dr. Scott Woolley: Website: www.drscottwoolley.com Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins: Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins Twitter: @DrJessHiggins Website: drjessicahiggins.com Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com Audio production by Turnkey Podcast Productions. You're the expert. Your podcast will prove it.