Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

Dr. Jessica Higgins

The Empowered Relationship Podcast helps you turn relationship challenges into opportunities and sets you up for relationship success, satisfaction, and intimacy.

This podcast is designed to inspire, motivate, and guide individuals and couples into more empowered, conscious, and evolved ways of loving.

Episodes

Mentioned books

Jun 20, 2019 • 44min

ERP 169: What To Do When Depression Takes Hold In Your Relationship With Dr. Susan Heitler.

GUEST: DR. SUSAN HEITLER Susan Heitler PhD is a Denver clinical psychologist and widely-read author. Educated at Harvard and NYU, Susan Heitler offers self-help information for individuals and for couples. Dr. Heitler also writes for therapists, offering new understandings and treatments for anxiety, anger, depression, narcissism, and relationship challenges. Dr. Heitler's web-page provides an overview with links to 40+ years of books. blog posts, articles, podcasts, videos, webinars, online marriage education program, and more. Dr. Susan Heitler has earned a national and international reputation as one of America's leading psychologists. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.) DEPRESSION: "What triggers depression is feeling powerless and giving up on something you want." by Dr. Susan Heitler Emotions get manifested in the body by physical changes. What triggers emotion is important. Depression is a disorder of power. There is a continuum of depression (going from being down or blue to having little ability to function and having suicidal ideation). Get help if you or your partner are experiencing severe depression through the way of a therapist and psychiatrist. BUMP MODEL: Challenges in life are the bumps in the road. How you respond to the bump in the road helps determine what you experience going forward. 3 P'S PRESCRIPTION FOR DEALING WITH DEPRESSION: Pinpoint. Figure out the trigger. What is the bump in the road? Pump up. Take a deep breath. Take a power pose. Imagine yourself getting bigger and taller. Problem solve. Think of solutions from a much more empowered position. TWO QUESTIONS TO TEST FOR DEPRESSION: After pinpointing the issue, ask yourself "Do you feel small compared to the other person or other thing involved?" Are you engaging in the negative cognitive triad (thinking negatively about self, others, and the future)? HOW COUPLES CAN DEAL WITH DEPRESSION: Share concerns. Listen to concerns. Aim for win/win solutions. ENJOY ANTIDOTES FOR DEPRESSION TOGETHER: Sunshine. Music. Nature. Activity. HOW TO DEAL WITH YOUR PARTNER'S BAD MOOD: If you want to help your partner, don't assume what they need. Ask. Ask your partner "What helps and what doesn't help?" If your partner is in a negative space, you may want to go do a separate activity to create some space (where you can experience positivity). Then, maybe your partner can join your positive mood, rather than you joining your partner's negative mood. Don't take your partner's irritability and anger. Create safety together for talking about what is going on. Engaging in a relationship well requires maturity and skill. MENTIONED: Lift Depression With These 3 Prescriptions- Without-Pills | Susan Heitler | TEDxWilmington (Video) Prescriptions Without Pills (Website) 5 Realities About Depression That Make It Highly Contagious, by Dr. Susan Heitler (Article) Therapy Help (Website) The Power of Two: Secrets to a Strong and Loving Marriage (Book) The Power of Two Workbook: Communication Skills for a Strong & Loving Marriage (Book) Prescriptions Without Pills: For Relief from Depression, Anger, Anxiety, and More (Book) Conflict Resolution for Couples (Podcast episode) Depression: A Disorder of Power (Podcast episode) Dr. Susan Heitler on Psychology Today (Webpage) Power of Two (Website) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! ❤ If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

Apr 5, 2019 • 36min

ERP 168: How To Be More Lovable In Relationship- Part Two

PART-ONE RECAP: In episode 167, part one, we explored the human tendency to focus on what our partner is doing that isn't working or is problematic. While this is a natural tendency, we are overlooking the ways in which we might be contributing to the pattern of disconnect. How often do we ask the question, "How lovable am I being right now?" Easier said than done. There are many things that get in the way of acting in ways that set-up a positive cycle of loving interactions. In episode 167, we also talked about the various ways that people define a "successful relationship." Be sure to check out the episode to learn more. The first two tips of How To Be More Lovable in Relationship: 1. Be kind 2. Show vulnerability and reveal more fully (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) HOW TO BE MORE LOVABLE – PART TWO 3. Be clear on your reason for giving It can be easy to fall into the trap of keeping score in a relationship. There is a difference between have an agreement and giving to your partner. Giving is a way of helping, offering support or being generous in some way. Try to connect with the reason you are giving *What feels good about giving?" 4. Turn towards your partner When your partner "bids for your attention," do your best to respond. A bid for attention is any attempt from one partner to the another for connection, warmth, affirmation or affection. Unfortunately, when partners get into negative cycles, they often snub each other or give each other the cold should (almost to communicate "I am still mad at you. Look how bad you hurt me."). However, this lack of responsiveness destroys connection. In the article titled, "Turn Towards Instead of Away" published on The Gottman Institute's website, Zack Brittle writes about this single most important research finding. He says: "John Gottman conducted a study with newlyweds and then followed up with them six years later. Many of the couples had remained together. Many had divorced. The couples that stayed married were much better at one thing, they Turned Towards Instead of Away. At the six-year follow-up, couples that had stayed married turned towards one another 86% of the time. Couples that had divorced averaged only 33% of the time. The secret is turning towards." In "Turn Towards Instead of Away" Zack Brittle offers some good reflection question for you to work with. I encourage you to check it out. 5. Be there for your partner The adult romantic attachment research helps us understand the importance of prioritizing a sense of safety in the emotional bond between partners in relationship. Susan Johnson identifies the importance of A.R.E. to help cultivate a sense of security for couples. A.R.E stands for: Accessible Responsive Engaged 6. Value yourself One of the most attractive qualities is being confident and having self-worth. Yet, many of us struggle with acknowledging our goodness, strengths, efforts and positive qualities. Try an exercise for one month. Every night write down three good things that happened that day. Then, write out what you did to contribute to or participate in the thing happening. Practice pausing to validate yourself before seeking validation from another. 7. Laugh easily With the demands and responsibilities of daily life, it can be easy to get serious or into "task master" mode. What helps you feel lighter and more open and present? What helps you feel a sense of joy and play in life? How can you cultivate more joy and laughter in your day? Stay tuned for the Part Three. MENTIONED: EPR 167: How To Be More Lovable In Relationship (podcast) Turn Towards Instead of Away (article) Dr Susan Johnson (website) The Gottman Institute (website) Photo by Anton Kraev on Unsplash (photo credit) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! ❤ If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

Mar 26, 2019 • 42min

ERP 167: How To Be More Lovable In Relationship

In relationship, when we have a concern or an issue about something (as it relates to something our partner is doing that is bothering, upsetting, or offending us), we will likely want to: Point out and identify what your partner is doing wrong. Tell them how you don't like what they are doing. Describe how their behavior is not okay. Illustrate how what they are doing is unfair or not good. In response, your partner will likely dispute your claims and perspective to defend their position. While your partner cares deeply about what you are experiencing and feeling, they care less about your judgement and evaluation of them. When in conflict, it is easy to focus more on your partner's behavior and reactions. However, we often overlook our behavior and interactions. Or sometimes, we think reacting is the only way to get our partner's attention. Almost as if to say "the only way my partner listens to me is when I scream and shout." (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) One of the biggest shifts that I experienced in my relationship journey (there have been several) is when I shifted my focus from what my partner was doing wrong to looking at my behavior…and taking full responsibility for my experience. When I made this decision, I had been around the block enough to know that participating in the negative-reactive cycle was only going to contribute to more pain and disconnect. Besides, I cannot control my partner's behavior or reactions. All I can do is be responsible for my feelings, reactions, needs, and boundaries. How often do we ask the question…"How lovable am I being?" To be clear, I am not talking about your deserving of love. I am talking about how you are participating in the dance you and your partner are creating together. In Ann Smith's article, "Love and Love-Ability," she talks about how our childhood impacts our ability to engage in love and receive love. She also affirms our innate lovability by saying: "Being lovable is inherent. It is not earned and it is not dependent on the approval of another person. Whether you are alone or in a secure relationship, you are still lovable. You are forever and always lovable. Even if a bad childhood led you to feel unloved and unworthy, you are still lovable. Even if you feel ashamed due to past failures and mistakes, you are still lovable. Even if you have been rejected or abandoned by someone, you are still lovable. You possess the capacity to attach to others and to receive love from others even when you feel that no one loves you." by Ann Smith When you look at your relationship, how do you measure success? What matters to you? Being emotionally connected (you and your partner can count on each other and feel a sense of closeness) Satisfied (a sense of fulfillment) Happy (experience joy, play, and laughter together) Healthy sex life (time for sexual intimacy, passion, excitement) Companionship (enjoy being together and work well together) Kindness and respect (understanding, care, and consideration) How does your behavior contribute to your relationship success? What happens when it is hard to contribute positively to the interactions with your partner, especially when in conflict? There are so many things that get in the way: Fear Insecure attachment feelings Projection Defensive patterns (like criticism, blame, and judgment) Resentment Old injury and trauma Fantasy bond In Dr. Lisa Firestone's article, "Just Be Kind: The Only Relationship Advice You'll Ever Need," she talks about the "fantasy bond," which is where couples: "They start to overstep each other's boundaries, replace substance with form, and diminish real, personal interactions. Although it isn't a conscious process, when a couple forms this type of fantasy, they stop engaging in small acts of kindness or even showing care and concern for each other. Without realizing it, couples form a fantasy bond in order to feel a sense of safety. However, what they end up feeling is resentment and frustration. Instead of seeing their partner as someone they chose, they may feel like their partner is someone they're stuck with. The behavior between the couple deteriorates. One partner may become withholding or controlling. Both can become more nitpicky, critical, and less accepting of their partner's individuality and freedom. While the quality of the relationship may be deteriorating, a fantasy bond still offers an impression of unity that gives us a certain sense of security. When we've formed this type of bond, being kind to our partner actually threatens to disrupt the sense of safety we experience: It forces us to acknowledge our partner as a separate person. " by Dr. Lisa Firestone HOW TO BE MORE LOVABLE 1. Be Kind: "Positive sentiment override" versus "Bad Memories" (referencing Dr. John Gottman's book "The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work"). Be tolerant with each other's flaws. Notice a time where you can help out. Show care and concern in a way that hits home from your partner (the platinum rule) 2. Share Vulnerability & Reveal More Fully: When something is important to you, try to help your partner understand you and your experience better. If you bottle it up, it will build resentment and often make it harder to deal with. Being vulnerable often feels scary and terrifying. Being open allows for your partner to be able to care for you and love you better. Stay tuned for the Part Two. MENTIONED: ERP 125: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part One (podcast) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert Just Be Kind: The Only Relationship Advice You'll Ever Need by Dr. Lisa Firestone (article) Love and Love-Ability by Ann Smith (article) Photo by Miranda Wipperfurth on Unsplash (photo credit) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! ❤ If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

Mar 16, 2019 • 47min

ERP 166: How Perfectionism and Depression Affect You and Your Relationship with Dr. Margaret Rutherford

GUEST: Dr. Margaret Rutherford, a clinical psychologist, has practiced for twenty-five years in Fayetteville, Arkansas. She is the author of "Marriage Is Not For Chickens", a perfect gift book on marriage, and hosts a weekly podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Her new book, Perfectly Hidden Depression, will be published by New Harbinger in 2019. SUMMARY: In this episode, Dr. Margaret Rutherford talks about how perfectionism and depression interact and how it shows up in relationships. Dr Rutherford explains how she came to discover this 'hidden' depression and breaks down its patterns and consequential behaviors. She also gives important advice on how to properly address this condition in relationships. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) QUOTES: "People are falling through the cracks in our system simply because we're failing to recognize their depression." "Perfectionists can talk about feelings, they can't express feelings." "When you're coupled or partnered with someone with perfectionism or perfectly hidden depression, then what you notice is their lack of responsiveness to pain in their lives." "It's truly about introducing the subject in a loving, kind way and talk about yourself." "You do not have control over whether your partner decides to look at themselves or not but you can urge them gently to do so.. and of course they may not be ready and that's a whole different decision in and of itself." HIGHLIGHTS: 1:03 Dr. Rutherford's background in blogging, writing about mental health 4:10 How does depression differ from depression overlaid with perfectionism? 8:18 How does this type of depression affect partners? 12:37 How to address the onset of this type of depression between partners or in relationships 22:27 Ideologies that can trigger this hidden depression 30:46 Dr Rutherford advises on how people can take care of themselves despite their partners depression MENTIONED: Dr. Margret Rutherford (website) Self Work (podcast) Marriage Is Not For Chickens (book) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! ❤ If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

Mar 7, 2019 • 46min

ERP 165: How To Manage Substance Abuse Issues And Recovery In Relationship. with Dr. Navarra

GUEST: DR. ROBERT NAVARRA Dr. Navarra, Certified Gottman Therapist and Master Trainer has co-authored book chapters with Drs. John and Julie Gottman. Recently he published an article on systemic approaches in addiction treatment and co-authored three articles on Gottman Therapy with Dr. John Gottman for the Encyclopedia of Couple and Family Therapy. Dr. Navarra created "Roadmap for the Journey: A Gottman Workshop for Couples in Addiction Recovery", and "Couples and Addiction Recovery: A Gottman Approach for Therapists, Counselors, and Addiction Professionals". (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.) LISTEN TO THE EPISODE TO LEARN ABOUT: What determines a substance use problem? There is a difference between frequent substance use and substance abuse. There is a continuum of use from "non-problematic" to "heavy use" to "use disorder" to "addiction". To learn more you can access the safe drinking guidelines. A note about alcohol and stress: People often will use alcohol to reduce stress. However, alcohol increases and reinforces the stress system in the brain. This type of use becomes cyclical because a person feels stressed and has a drink to alleviate the stress and then experiences more stress. Is alcoholism a disease? While most people who meet the criteria for a substance use disorder will not meet the criteria again in four years. Whereas other people with continued and consistent use will experience significant changes in their brain structure which will constitute an addiction and a disease. What happens if one person is using or drinking and it is an issue in the relationship? Get information and education about the guidelines of substance use. Have a conversation. Invite your partner to talk with you. Bring up the topic of concern with your partner in a non-blaming way. Here is what my concerns are… Here is what it means to me… See about coming to some agreements together. The person using may be willing to modify their use. If they are not willing to modify their use, then it might be important to explore why they are not willing to modify their use. Look at risk factors (i.e. family history of substance abuse issues, use over time, increased use, daily use, etc.) In the first year of recovery, what should a couple be aware of together? Relapse rates are the highest in the first year, especially in the first 3 months. Continued support from loved ones and family members is one of the highest predictors for success. Having a substance-free home environment is critical for the recovery process. People in recovery often feel an involuntary thrust towards using. Their brain has been hijacked by the disease, and they do not have the normal stop-go mechanisms in their brain. People in recovery have strong emotional memories and triggers. "Relationships need attention in this transition (into recovery). Let's not abandon couples when they need it the most." Dr. Navarra What promotes healing in the relationship? Relationship-care and self-care can help the person in recovery manage the disease better. Acknowledge the stigma and shame. Get support, so that you can engage in healing and constructive conversations. Discuss these questions in a non-blaming way: What has the impact of addiction been on you? And the relationship? What is the impact of recovery been on you? And the relationship? See the addiction as an intruder on your relationship. How has the uninvited guest impacted you, your partner and your relationship? Attend Dr. Navarra's workshop "Roadmap For The Journey" to have H.E.A.R.T (Healing Emotions Addiction Recovery Trauma) conversations to heal addiction trauma. When couples can emotionally attune and the listen to the painful emotions of one another, then begin to build trust together. MENTIONED: Couples Recovery Empowerment (website) Dr. Robert Navarra (website) Roadmap For The Journey (workshop page) Couples Recovery (Facebook page) The Addictions Institute (website) UC Santa Cruz – advanced drug & alcohol training program Addictionologist – a doctor who studies and treats addiction. TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! ❤ If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

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Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

Episodes

Mentioned books

ERP 174: How to Experience More Love in Your Relationship with Byron Katie

ERP 173: How to Transform Drama in Your Relationship with David Emerald

ERP 172: How To Deal With Manipulation In Relationship - Part Two