Self-Led in Bed: An IFS and Sexuality Podcast

“...our unconscious will speak to us through our penis and self-protectively disrupt a sexual interaction due to some perceived danger or threat.”   - Daniel Watter in The Existential Importance of the The PenisDisclaimer: Please be aware that this episode includes frank discussion of sexual anatomy, acts, and death anxiety. Listener discretion is advised.Patty talks to Dr. Daniel N. Watter, Clinical and Forensic Psychologist, Certified Sex Therapist and author of The Existential Importance of the Penis: A Guide to Understanding the Sexuality of Men. Dan shares his 40+ years of clinical experience working with male sexual function and dysfunction, exploring the profound psychological, relational, and existential meanings men attach to their penises beyond biology, and how “the penis speaks.”Dan shares his trauma-informed perspective that upends much current thinking about men’s sexual dysfunction, emphasizing how early attachment wounds and losses can underlie difficulties that are deeper than performance anxiety. He shares his passion for the work of existential psychotherapist Irvin Yalom who taught that  confrontations with our mortality can stimulate a drive toward sexual life force energy and a life of meaning and shares many dramatic client stories.. Dan emphasizes compassionate, non-judgmental therapeutic space, and a hopeful message for men. The conversation is warm, humorous, and deeply human — offering clarity for therapists, partners, and anyone seeking to understand male sexuality more fully.About Daniel:Dr. Daniel N. Watter received his doctoral degree from New York University in 1985 and holds a post-graduate certificate in Medical Humanities from Drew University. He is licensed as both a psychologist and marital/family therapist, Board Certified in Sex Therapy by AASECT (where he is also a certified supervisor), and elected to Fellowship in ISSWSH and SMSNA. He has authored over 30 professional articles and book chapters on sexual function/dysfunction and ethics in healthcare, and is the author of The Existential Importance of the Penis: A Guide to Understanding the Sexuality of Men.Connect with Daniel: Instagram: www.instagram.com/dnwatterBook: The Existential Importance of the PenisConnect with  PatriciaInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/patriciarichconsulting/Join the Self-Led Sexuality Free Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/selfleds3xualitywithpatriciarichSign up for Patricia’s email list and get the free The Six S's of Sexual Self-Energy Infographic.Intro to IFS through the Lens of Sexuality Course

Disclaimer: This episode includes candid discussions of sexuality. Listener discretion is advised.In this episode Patty talks to Randi Hall, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist,  Grief Tender and Facilitator about Authentic Relating (AR) — a practice of realness, presence, and in-the-moment connection through simple games and conversations. We discuss AR as an open source social technology, its principles (curiosity, empathy, ownership), how it creates safety for vulnerability, and its natural synergy with IFS. We discuss applying AR to sexuality to build attunement, consent, and presence before intimacy, and play two live games which are surprisingly (yet not surprisingly) vulnerable and revealing. Randi highlights AR’s versatility across joyful, tender, and conflict spaces, and shares how she fell in love with these practices.Randi Hall is the founder of Realness Rising and her work centers on creating honest, spacious, embodied containers where people can show up as they are without fixing, performing, or pretending. Randi brings together clinical training, lived experience, ritual, and years of facilitating grief circles and connection spaces to help people feel less alone in both grief and relationship.Connect with Randi: IG: @realnessrisingFB Group: realnessrising and the realness rising communityPodcast: ⁠Getting Real with Grief⁠⁠https://www.authrev.org/what-is-authentic-relating⁠Tik Tok: @RealnessRisingFollow Patricia on Instagram: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/patriciarichconsulting/⁠Join the Self-Led Sexuality Free Facebook Community: ⁠https://www.facebook.com/groups/selfleds3xualitywithpatriciarich⁠Sign up for Patricia’s email list and get the free ⁠The Six S's of Sexual Self-Energy Infographic.

“Do not think of sex as one dish. Think of it as a buffet…You can do so many things with it. Don't limit yourself to one dish.”  Sabitha Pillai-FriedmanDisclaimer: This episode explores sensitive topics related to cancer and sexuality. Listener discretion is advised.In this episode of Self-Led in Bed, Patty welcomes Dr.Sabitha Pillai-Friedman, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist and Approved Supervisor,  for a profound conversation about the intersection of cancer survivorship and sexuality. Following her own cancer diagnosis in 2009, Sabitha recognized a massive gap in care for survivors—the complete lack of information regarding post-treatment sexuality—and has since become a leading advocate and volunteer speaker for organizations like Unite for Her.Patients often feel blindsided by the sexual side effects of cancer treatment because these issues are rarely discussed by healthcare providers. From numbness following breast reconstruction to the hormonal deprivation that causes vaginal dryness and arousal issues, the physical changes can be overwhelming. Beyond the physical, survivors face disenfranchised grief, where society and loved ones may unintentionally silence their pain by reminding them they are "lucky to be alive," effectively exiling the importance of their sexual identity. Sabitha is constantly rewarded by the sexual resilience of the people she works with, noting that with the right support, survivors can experience a sexual awakening or "reset" that broadens their interpretation of intimacy. Listeners are encouraged to visit the Unite for Her website to access her free videos and resource lists dedicated to sexuality after cancer.Dr. Sabitha Pillai-Friedman was born in the Middle East, raised in India and moved to the United States at age 27, bringing a rich multicultural lens to her work. She has over 30 years of experience providing individual, couple and sex therapy and frequently speaks to health care professionals, cancer survivors and patients about cancer and sexuality. She is an Adjunct Associate Professor at the Center for Human Sexuality Studies at Widener University in Chester, PA and is the co-host of the podcast Our Better Half which focuses on the beauty of human sexuality in the later half of life. Connect with Sabitha: https://self-compassion.org/https://www.facebook.com/sabitha.pillai.9https://uniteforher.com/herlibrary/S. Pillai-Friedman & J.L. Ashline (2014): Women, breast cancer survivorship, sexual losses, and disenfranchised grief – a treatment model for clinicians, Sexual and Relationship Therapy, DOI: 10.1080/14681994.2014.934340.Follow Patricia on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/patriciarichconsulting/Join the Self-Led Sexuality Free Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/selfleds3xualitywithpatriciarichSign up for Patricia’s email list and get the free The Six S's of Sexual Self-Energy Infographic.

“It really is so much about the journey rather than trying to get to someplace because that destination seems to change for most people”. - Rachael MeirOn today's episode, Patty speaks with Dr. Rachael Meir, psychologist, Ethical Non-Monogamy Coach, and author of 50 Questions to Ask Before Opening Your Relationship. She shares her personal story of opening her long-term monogamous marriage and becoming a committed throuple and how these experiences inspired her professional work.They explore the complex internal and external terrain that ENM and polyamory often involve, provide clear definitions (ENM as the broad umbrella, polyamory as one intentional branch), common motivations for opening relationships, why self-assessment and honest communication are essential before taking the leap, and the practical skills couples need to sustain healthy relationships. They discuss how to manage big emotions like jealousy, compersion, fear of abandonment, shame, and excitement, the difference between hierarchical and non-hierarchal relationships, the seven distinct relationships that exist inside a throuple, and the personal growth and fulfillment that this path can bring.Patty brings the IFS lens to the conversation and invites listeners to notice your own parts as we discuss a topic that can feel activating, liberating, or perhaps a bit of both. Dr. Rachael Meir is a sex-positive, LGBTQIA+ affirming psychologist and sexuality/relationship coach with over 20 years of experience supporting individuals, couples, and polycules through emotional, relational, and identity-related challenges. She is widely recognized for her expertise in ethical/consensual non-monogamy, as well as her supportive work with clients in kink and BDSM communities.Drawing from both extensive professional training and her lived experience in a long-term polyamorous triad, Dr. Meir brings a warm, collaborative, and nonjudgmental approach to her work, helping people feel grounded, understood, and empowered in their relationship journeys.She’s also the author of 50 Questions to Ask Before Opening Your Relationship, a practical and reflective guide for those who are curious about non-monogamy or preparing to open their relationship. The book offers 50 thoughtfully designed questions—each with context and gentle prompts—to support honest conversations about boundaries, communication, expectations, and emotional readiness.Connect with Rachel:https://www.instagram.com/drrachaelmeircoaching/https://www.facebook.com/drrachaelmeircoaching/https://www.linkedin.com/in/drrachaelmeircoaching/https://www.tiktok.com/@drrachaelmeircoachingCoaching website - https://www.drrachaelmeir.com/My book - https://geni.us/50QuestionsThriving Throuples Retreat - https://www.drrachaelmeir.com/retreat-2026Therapy website - https://rachael-meir.clientsecure.me/Follow Patricia on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/patriciarichconsulting/Join the Self-Led Sexuality Free Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/selfleds3xualitywithpatriciarichSign up for Patricia’s email list and get the free The Six S's of Sexual Self-Energy Infographic.

"So, the gift of self-leadership is not that all parts of us are going to be happy, it's that we're going to be able to wisely and accurately discern the next right step for us, and then stand into it and follow through without that backlash from the inner system." - Jenna RiemersmaFew experiences are as painful as having our trust betrayed by an intimate partner. Yet many people must navigate this common experience and the many activated parts that emerge. Those who engage in sexual behavior that falls outside of relationship agreements also often suffer with feelings of shamefulness, guilt, and regret.In this episode Patty talks to Jenna Riemersma, a leading authority in integrating IFS with compulsive sexual behavior and betrayal trauma treatment. As a Certified IFS Therapist,  Clinical Consultant and CSAT Supervisor, she brings over a decade of specialized expertise to this critical therapeutic intersection. She is also the best-selling author of several books including IFS Integration (a re-release of Altogether Us  in which I authored a chapter on Self-Led Sexuality) and Move Toward, which offers a shorthand  approach to IFS which we practice through a demo later in our  conversation. We explore the "hungry heart" behind compulsions, shame's pervasive grip on sexuality, the inner warring of parts in sexual dilemmas, and compatibility between addiction models and IFS. Jenna introduces her accessible "Move Toward" tool—Notice, Know, Need —for quick unblending.This episode offers practical tools for Self-Led intimacy, reminding us that quick witnessing can bring calm, clarity, and connection amid sexual triggers or relational challenges. Whether you relate to this topic personally, professionally, or both, I know you will learn a lot from Jenna’s wise and reassuring presence.Connect with Jenna:MoveToward.comJennaRiemersma.coMBook IFS Integration: A Comprehensive Guide to Applying Internal Family Systems Across Modalities, Populations, and Clinical PresentationsBook Altogether You: Experiencing personal and spiritual transformation with Internal Family Systems therapyBook Move Toward Follow Patricia on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/patriciarichconsulting/Join the Self-Led Sexuality Free Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/selfleds3xualitywithpatriciarichSign up for Patricia’s email list and get the free The Six S's of Sexual Self-Energy Infographic.

Cece Sykes, LCSW and longtime IFS trainer who specializes in trauma and addictions, joins to explore sexuality through parts work. She reframes firefighters as seekers of pleasure and relief. Short, clear conversations cover how parts shape desire, consent, addiction, intimacy across the lifespan, cultural shame, and hope for healing and embodied pleasure.

“I'm convinced that external suppression and degradation of our bodies, our sexuality and our pleasure, robs us of our full potential. When we claim our embodied autonomy and inherent right to pleasure, we claim our power”. - Suzanne BlackburnPatty talks to Suzanne Blackburn, queer pleasure activist, elder, and guide. After having her own embodiment taken from her early in life, Suzanne found her way back home to her body through a workshop at the Body Electric School more than 25 years ago. She has worn many hats there ever since including facilitator, board chair, and coordinator, driven by her  fierce passion for reuniting the erotic and the sacred.In this warm and at times fiery conversation we explore how cultural, religious, economic, and political systems can detach us from our erotic life-force energy—and why that detachment serves power structures that profit from our shame and disconnection. Suzanne shares her personal journey of reclamation, defines eros as the relentless pulse of aliveness that runs through everything (not just genitals!) Patty brings the IFS lens and considers how parts either block or open the flow of that energy. They talk about the political nature of pleasure, the danger of splitting sexuality from spirituality, the beauty of slowing down and breathing together, and what becomes possible when we finally feel safe enough for our embodied sexual Self to emerge. Suzanne reads a favorite poem by Mark Nepo and leaves us with the image of gliding—on water, on snow, across skin—as something that is a sensual pleasure for her.Suzanne Blackburn has been a social and political activist for decades, volunteering with Equality Maine on two successful campaigns to legalize same-sex marriage. She is the author of Reclaiming Eros: Sacred Whores and Healers and continues to facilitate transformative workshops with the Body Electric School. Take a slow breath, settle into your body, and let this episode remind every part of you that pleasure is your birthright.Connect with Suzanne:suzanne@bodyelectric.org Book - Reclaiming Eros: Sacred Whores and Healers, by Suzanne BlackburnErotic Liberation Podcast Episode 21: https://open.spotify.com/episode/6gm69EVf5oIZij9tj0RF0W?si=8831b198f5fa4816Follow Patricia on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/patriciarichconsulting/Join the Self-Led Sexuality Free Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/selfleds3xualitywithpatriciarichSign up for Patricia’s email list and get the free The Six S's of Sexual Self-Energy Infographic.

“Parts have different preferences… just because somebody exclusively is in the role of top doesn't mean all their parts want to do that. And same thing when it comes to bottoming or versatile. ” - Max LittmanDisclaimer: Please be aware that this episode includes explicit sexual discussion.Listener discretion is advised.On today’s episode, Patricia speaks with Max Littman about his new book Internal Family Systems Therapy for Gay and Queer Men: A Companion for After Coming Out,. It is the first IFS book to center the inner lives and the larger systems that particularly impact gay and queer men. The book is very engaging and wide ranging, as was this episode’s conversation which wove together IFS, attunement, inner and outer dynamics related to living as a gay or queer man, preferred sexual positions and their intersection with the larger culture, social media influence and aspects of  drag for artists and audiences. Max and I also discovered a shared love of language, especially puns, which he recognizes as a clue that he has a good amount of Self Energy on board.Max Littman, LCSW, is an IFS therapist, consultant, and author based in the San Francisco Bay Area. His work centers on attunement, attachment, cultural burdens, and relational and neurobiological understandings of trauma. He specializes in working with gay and queer men and provides mentorship to therapists in private practice.Connect with Max: https://maxlittman.com/Book - https://a.co/d/2VtoeVXFollow Patricia on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/patriciarichconsulting/Join the Self-Led Sexuality Free Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/selfleds3xualitywithpatriciarichSign up for Patricia’s email list and get the free The Six S's of Sexual Self-Energy Infographic.

Mike Elkin, a Senior Lead Trainer in Internal Family Systems with over 50 years of experience, shares his insights on the complexities of sexuality and shame. He discusses how disowning sexual needs can lead to destructive behaviors, invoking the idea that unaddressed sexuality acts like a lost dog. Engaging in role-plays, Mike demonstrates methods for befriending challenging sexual protector parts. The conversation delves into cultural messages, moral meanings, and power dynamics in gendered sexuality, providing a rich exploration of intimacy's challenges and triumphs.

“Like it literally felt like my body was vibrating with energy. Like the whole body experience of Self Energy. ” - Mary HartDisclaimer: This episode contains sexual content. Listener discretion is advised.Patty talks to Mary Hart, an IFS Level 3 Certified Practitioner, about her personal journey toward Self-Led Sexuality and authentic living which has been informed  by IFS, the Wheel of Consent, and The Six S’s of Sexual Self Energy Framework™ which she discovered as a participant in one of Patty’s first BeHold and Lead your Internal Sexual System (BLISS)™ programs. From a Catholic upbringing with a focus on “doing for” others, Mary shares how hard it was to know what she really wanted in bed and beyond, and to claim that. She opens up about how she slowly got to know her parts and how her first experience of Self truly showing up for her polarized parts was expansive, visual and profoundly connecting, which Patty noted sounded similar to some orgasms. Mary and Patty explore how The Six S’s align with what happened to her and Mary found a great deal of resonance.The conversation explores internal consent, engaging in small experiments of self–discovery, , and creating win-win-win outcomes in relationships. Mary reflects on safe containers for her like cuddle parties and ecstatic dance, which allowed her to move authentically, and how presencing positive experiences—like singing in harmony—accesses Self Energy and fosters healing. This episode is a gentle invitation to explore your own system with compassionMary Hart is an Internal Family Systems Level 3 Certified Practitioner, trained workshop facilitator, and Certified Trauma Recovery Practitioner. With over 20 years studying the Wheel of Consent, she values moving at the speed of trust and caring for the most tender parts. Mary brings authenticity and vulnerability to trauma-informed healing, using interpersonal neurobiology, co-regulation, and attunement to support personal and collective transformation.Connect with Mary: www.harttoheartcoaching.comFollow Patricia on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/patriciarichconsulting/Join the Self-Led Sexuality Free Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/selfleds3xualitywithpatriciarichSign up for Patricia’s email list and get the free The Six S's of Sexual Self-Energy Infographic.