The SelfWork Podcast

Today's "You Get the Gist" is about nomophobia. And you have to listen to find out what it is. (There's a test for it in the show notes below...)  I admit it. I have it. Not a severe case, but I'm as guilty as the next guy. So what follows is what it is and as always, what you can do about it. So now, you get the gist. Important Links: Here’s a test to see if you have it, created by Iowa State University. American Academy of Sleep Medicine article on sleep and nomophobia. Psychology Today  great article by Susan Weinschenk  on our brain chemistry and how it responds to our phones. My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!        Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

What is a trauma bond? How does it form? Why is it important for that dynamic to have its own label or name” Trauma bonding happens when trust is highly manipulated; when commitment and trying to make a relationship work is used against someone as a way to keep them in denial or disbelief that a relationship is harmful to them. I’ve been there. I still have never revealed all that happened in that relationship; so much of it is now such clear abuse, I’m flabbergasted I didn’t see it for what it was. But I didn’t. Or I did, but then my need to ‘make the relationship work’ went to work. I’ve found some authors who’ve written about it to help shine some light on the why and the how…Patrick Carnes may have been the first and we’ll give his definition of trauma bonding as well as the broader one. It’s also been associated or talked about as “the same” as Stockholm Syndrome, which we'll discuss. Our listener email for today is from someone who wants some answers about enmeshment and what she terms “covert narcissism” – It sounds like she’s the daughter and feels enmeshed or has been told perhaps she’s enmeshed with him. It’s very much like our topic so I thought it meshed well with the topic. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! John Kim, aka The Angry Therapist provides an article on trauma bonding A BBC article on Stockholm syndrome An  article in VeryWellMind.discusses features of covert narcissism Wikipedia article on trauma bonds You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!                        Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Today I’m starting some segments that will feature what’s going on in the news about mental health. I’ll touch on my thoughts and responses - So you’ll get the gist. Less than five minutes and hopefully packed with information. Today’s You Get the Gist is about the recent athletes who’ve come forward to talk openly about their mental health struggles. Men and women we look up to for their athletic prowess and resilience – but they also have their own struggles. Important Links: Victoria Garrick did a TedX in California about college athletes and mental/emotional struggles Dak Prescott of the Dallas Cowboys  recently revealed treatment for anxiety and depression Michael Phelps produced  Weight of Gold about Olympians that describes the terrible depression, suicidal thoughts and actions and identity issues after their Olympic days are over. Kudos to them. For sure. My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!    Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month and I want to be a part of debunking what are commonly believed myths concerning suicide. I also want to make sure you're safe. If you become triggered, here's the link to all the suicide services that are known in every country that provides them. It helps to reach out – that’s been proven over and over… so please if you need to talk or text someone, click that link. I've chosen twelve myths that are common to hear and then give the facts. Sometime the experts disagree or issues are more complex, but it's so important to stop saying that suicide is selfish or that only people with mental illness die by suicide. The listener email for today is from someone who couldn’t find grief on the feeling wheel that I discussed in the suck it up episode – which was really an episode on not sucking it up… She’s overwhelmed by grief and doesn’t know how to get through it… Important links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! Article about the pandemic’s effect on suicide worldwide Shahnaz study 2018 Dr. Kristin Fuller for The NAMI Blog An article to help you learn and understand the warnings signs Article on suicide by Magellan Health resource NPR article about What’s best with teens and kids 193 SelfWork: Conversation with John Moe (The Hilarious World of Depression) You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!                        Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Radical acceptance is a termed that describes a way of being - acknowledging the reality of what is happening rather than fighting it emotionally and thus, causing yourself, and perhaps even others, more suffering. I very much like a Carl Rogers quote that Tara Brach, author of the 2003 best-seller, Radical Acceptance, used in her book; “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” Radical acceptance takes that idea even further – that accepting what happens in your life also brings a much greater ability to cope rationally with it. The listener email is from a therapist who’s dating someone who sounds severely depressed. And she doesn’t know what to do. I’ll see if I can come up with a couple of ideas for her – and all you “helpers” (and I’m one of them) get helped yourself. And this episode is once again sponsored by BetterHelp! Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! Blog post about empty nest called Separate Houses Article by Margarita Tartaskovsky in Psych Central. Excerpt from Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Today we’ll be focusing on anger in relationships.  I've seen anger completely mismanaged and it can sabotage what started out as a relationship with much potential. We'll discuss some basic characteristics of anger that are vital to know, as well as a specific dialectical behavioral technique called DEARMAN - which is an effective way of remembering and practicing how to communicate with others about your anger, disappointment or frustration. Our listener email today is from someone who heard my interview with Chris Do on YouTube. She asks what to do when she’s getting a divorce and how to handle a sense of isolation and lack of money. These are practical problems so many people have – and it can seem as if there’s no way to help yourself. But you can look for what you have control over. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! Blog Post on anger Explanation of the DEARMAN technique More specific examples of DBT and D-E-A-R-M-A-N Book by Spradlin on DBT and its effectiveness You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you! Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Today's topic was weirdly and almost synergistically created. As I was researching emotional expression, two quite different sources led me to the work of Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett. I'll share her and Dr. Tim Lomas' work with you today, as we discover an entirely new way of thinking about how emotions are created. And maybe just why someone who's learned to "suck it up" struggles to even feel painful emotion at all. The listener email today was created due to my sticking my foot in my mouth and saying something that was incorrect and potentially hurtful.  A listener. who’s also a therapist and has shared this podcast with several of her clients, was very disappointed in me for something I said in the most recent podcast. And she was absolutely right. So I want to set the record straight. I’ve already apologized to her privately, but I wanted to correct and publicly address my overly hasty words. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! A BBC article: by Dr. Tim Lomas And a quote from him: “In our stream of consciousness – that wash of different sensations feelings and emotions – there’s so much to process that a lot passes us by,” Lomas says. “The feelings we have learned to recognise and label are the ones we notice – but there’s a lot more that we may not be aware of. And so I think if we are given these new words, they can help us articulate whole areas of experience we’ve only dimly noticed.” Article by Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett https://www.wired.co.uk/article/lisa-feldman-barrett-emotions And a quote from her:  "If you think about it from a brain's standpoint, it's trapped in a dark, silent box called your skull, and has no access to the causes of the sensations it receives. It only has the effects, and it has to figure out what caused them. So how does it do this? There’s one other thing it can use, and that’s past experience. The idea is that your brain is constantly predicting what sensory inputs to expect and what action to take, based on past experience. Then it uses the incoming input to either confirm its prediction, or change it. It works this way for vision, hearing, taste—for every sense. I think the way emotions are made is not special: your brain makes an emotion by using prior experiences of emotion to predict and explain incoming sensory inputs, and guide action." Link to a Feelings Wheel You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you! Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I had a patient say to me the other day, not in a complaining way, but sort of in a “can’t believe it” kind of way – “I’ve been in therapy with you now for a year. I thought I’d be here for maybe a couple of months.” I want to share a bit of his story as well as others who’ve used therapy not to simply make immediate changes in the direction they’ve wanted or needed - but to make lasting change. Change that sticks. There are certainly problems like eating disorders, complex trauma and chronic conditions that take patience and time. And you may need to stay in therapy for quite a while in order to risk very difficult changes. But often, therapy is more solution-focused. So today, in this episode of SelfWork sponsored by BetterHelp, we’re going to focus in on what makes change stick. Our listener email for today is from someone who says both he and his partner identify with PHD.. So what should they do? I have some ideas... Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! Article by Dr. Sean Young in Psychology Today on Neurohacking An article in Good Therapy on brain spotting and EMDR You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

John Moe first got my attention when I became a podcaster and listened to his very popular podcast The Hilarious World of Depression. What makes him unique and truly loved by his listeners is his transparency about his own depression and his very wry sense of humor. After making a living as a comic, a writer and then an NPR broadcaster,   he faced his own severe depression. As he interviewed comedians and celebrities for the podcast, he began to see similar behavior patterns and coping mechanisms in his conversations. He saw that there was tremendous comfort and community in talking about these experiences, (including his own suicidal thoughts and the actual suicide of his older brother Rick), and that humor had a unique power. He's now written a new book by the same name. I found him a very smart, but modest and thoughtful person who was more than willing to be interviewed by me – not the most accomplished of interviewers as this was the first one I’ve done in literally years. So, I was honored that he wanted to a part of SelfWork. The episode is about twice as long as most SelfWork episodes; but I think you’ll find that the time flies by. He’s a warm and fascinating guy, whose lived a lot of life, and wants to share what he’s learned. As a therapist, I wanted to know more about his depression, rather than about the podcast. And my questions reflect that. If you’ve ever been depressed, lived through a complex family life, even wondered if your depression might’ve been handed down to you within your family – what’s termed transgenerational trauma - this is the episode for you. Come laugh. Come learn. And come join me and John Moe for a conversation about learning to live with and manage chronic depression. . Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! The Hilarious World of Depression on Amazon You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!        Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Round Two is coming your way! I had both many women and men attend the Part One of this free workshop on July 30th and their questions were both poignant and intriguing. Part One explained the potential dangers of perfectionism and what exactly perfectly hidden depression is and why it occurs. If you missed Part One, no problem! You can watch it at my website: https://drmargaretrutherford.com/workshop.  Now in Part Two, we'll talk about working and creating new strategies to handle this need and how to become someone who can accept yourself for both your strengths and your vulnerabilities. We'll cover the five stages of healing covered in my book as well as give a sampling of exercises from the book.  The difference between my work on perfectionism and other workbooks is I talk about "why." Knowing the why you needed to look as if your life was perfect can lead you to a true change in your outlook and entire life. I hope you'll join me! August 13th, 6:00 EST. You can go to EventBrite to register or to my website: https://drmargaretrutherford.com/workshop. I'll see you there! Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands