The SelfWork Podcast

Today we’re going to talk about embarrassment. I was listening to Brené Brown's relatively new podcast called Unlocking Us and heard her use a term I didn’t know. The term was self-conscious emotions and embarrassment is one of them. In this episode sponsored by BetterHelp, we'll cover how young you are when you can feel embarrassment, what you can learn from failure, and the positive aspects of embarrassment. You might be surprised! I’ve often said you learn a lot more from failure – and I personally have done just that. But how does it get to be something you can learn from rather than something you must avoid at all costs? Why is it that some people cannot tolerate being embarrassed and thus live extremely risk averse lives? The listener email today is from a woman who only recently revealed sexual abuse to her therapist – before not even deeming it important enough to discuss - and how those revelations are changing her for the better. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! A Time article featuring Brené Brown's answers to ten questions Dr. Michael Lewis’ research on embarrassment and child development Tyson Hartnett article on fearing failure Article in LifeScience by Remy Melina  about positive aspects embarrassment You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!                  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy( is all about discovering your mental mistakes or cognitive distortions - or as the CBT folks say, “Your stinkin thinkin". And CBT is the most recommended therapeutic method to fend off depression. It makes sense. It’s fairly easy to understand. And their premise is that if you change what you believe, then the emotions and actions that follow will be different and far healthier. So today, in this episode sponsored again by BH, we’ll talk about the ten most common mental mistakes you can make and what to do about them. The listener email for today is from a man whose addictions have created pain and severe illness. He takes responsibility but also states that his wife is stuck in believing that he’s feeling sorry for himself. He says he’s very depressed. This is a difficult situation where both sound angry and certainly not allied. What would you say to him? I’ll give it my own try.. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! An article describing David Burns' list of cognitive distortions from The Feeling Good Handbook John Grohol's Psych Central article on ten ways to "fix" those mental mistakes You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!      Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Hello everyone! Quick announcement today! I'm giving a free two-part workshop that begins this Thursday, July 30th at 6:00 CST and will continue on August 13th at the same time. It's entitled Perfectionism Meets Pandemic and is hosted by The Sisterhood for Success! It's on the benefits and potential dangers of perfectionism, how the pandemic is affecting those with perfectionistic traits, and we'll also go into why someone develops the need for a perfect-looking life and what it may look like in every day life. Many perfectionists don't think they are "perfectionists" because they never give themselves credit for how well they do!  The first workshop will be recorded and available on my website so register if you can't make it!  I hope you'll join me! All you have to do is register through clicking this this link. Hope to see you there!Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

There’s a psychological dynamic called approach/avoidance and it’s when something you desire has both positive and negative implications. But the same words are used in considering relationships, where approach/avoidance (or withdrawal) can lead to a true deadlock and constantly recycle itself, with misunderstanding, grief, hurt and resentment steadily increasing. You might think of approach as being the more controlling of the two energies, especially if the approach is made in anger. But my observations have been that withdrawal is incredibly potent. So in today’s episode of SelfWork sponsored by BetterHelp, we’re going to talk about that very potency and, as always, what you can do about it. The listener email for today is from a young woman who read a blog post of mine on perfectly hidden depression (and now has become a listener) and wants know how to find a therapist. This is probably in the top five of all questions I receive and I'll answer it today. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! The list of the fifteen most compelling movie "goodbyes" Article written on the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse – defined by Julie and John Gottman, very well-known marriage researchers. Podcast on finding and interviewing a potential therapist You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!                 .  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Transparency about my own journey with mental health has been very important to me, especially since writing on social media. I've named the illnesses that I've experienced: panic disorder and anorexia.  But I haven’t told the full story - the “why” of either of these problems – at least as best I understand it from my own perspective – and the perspectives of several therapists over the years. I see them both now as issues with control. Trying to get control. Trying to hide from feeling out of control . Fearing looking out of control. So, in episode 189 sponsored by BetterHelp, I’m inspired and a little nervous today to tell you my story. The listener email is from a young woman whose mom is undergoing some type of emotional breakdown after the death of her own father and how that dynamic could be affecting the writer’s choice about getting out of a  relationship. Important Link: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!            Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Risking the unfamiliar is something I focus on with almost every client I see, because we all get in the habit of adopting one emotional “face” – or have one emotion that’s our primary go-to response to almost anything. Some of those responses are more healthy than others, but the point of this episode will be to wonder what would happen if you risked feeling something you don’t ordinarily feel? We'll talk about what's called The Karpman Triangle a bit, which is when someone is stuck in a victim/savior/persecutor response set. And I'll give four steps on how to risk feeling or saying or doing something unfamiliar. It can be transformative. The listener email for today is from a young woman who in the last six months has experienced unbelievable trials – and now is suffering from a desire to be invisible and alone. I’ll do my best to help her understand that what she’s experiencing is tremendous trauma. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! A well-written Forbes article describing The Karpman Triangle response set This extremely poignant article by Courtney Enlow on depression and wanting to become invisible. You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!                    Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

The answer to the title question is yes. Most of us who aren’t in denial about the seriousness of this pandemic are experiencing more anxiety.. We’re washing our hands more - careful about what we pick up or how we touch things -wearing masks or even face shields. Today, in this episode sponsored by BetterHelp, I’m going to share some facts about how three different mental illnesses may be emerging or escalating during this Covid pandemic. First OCD, obsessive-compulsive disorder Second, phobias – such as germaphobia (fear of germs/bacteria/viruses) or agoraphobia (fears concerning leaving the house – more limiting than social anxiety) And third,  Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD. The listener email is from someone who's heard from their partner that they're stepping on the identity of their partner. Yet they feel unaware and are asking for my help. It's an interesting question to ask: What if I'm not aware and don't agree with what my partner is questioning? Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! Very well-explained article in Web MD about Germaphobia and OCD Here’s a great breakdown of the different “kinds” of obsessions and their accompanying compulsions You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!    Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Getting lost in a relationship. .. if you’ve ever done it, you know the sinking feeling in your gut that comes when you think about it again. Somehow your “self” – the you that you knew before the relationship began - got ignored, changed, forgotten, absorbed, or even ridiculed. There are lots of reasons how this could happen. Actual abuse, manipulation by someone with narcissistic traits or other disorders, being lied to and deceived. Doing all the giving and very little receiving. I could go on and on about the “why’. But today, in this episode sponsored by BetterHelp, I'll be sharing my own story of "self"-recovery. And we'll turn to Dr. Guy Winch's advice about putting you back together again – but in a new and hopefully wiser way. The listener email is from a man whose wife displays many of the traits of perfectly hidden depression, but he doesn’t know how to approach her, and he’s also wondering about how perfectionism could be viewed through the lens of attachment theory. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! Test to assess attachment styles found in Psychology Today The article by Dr. Guy Winch Article entitled "The Darker Side of Perfectionism which addresses its relationship with perfectionism You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!   Test to assess attachment styles found in Psychology Today The article by Dr. Guy Winch Article entitled "The Darker Side of Perfectionism which addresses its relationship with perfectionism      Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Today we’re talking about telemental health. I asked lots of people about their experience and have some of the most recent research for you. I’d already investigated this because BetterHelp is a sponsor of SelfWork. But I dig into this even deeper because telemental health is being used exponentially more during this pandemic. And there are ways that you and your therapist can set it up for even better success -- I'll give you tips how! Our listener email today is from someone who feels guilt that she’s pulling away from an enmeshed relationship with her parents – where it was her job to act as go-between. And although they made her life very comfortable and provided lots of valuable activities and experiences, it sounds like there was a price to pay. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! 2013 research on teleheatth The governmental study in 2017 on telemental health Article on "Zoom fatigue" found on Ted.com Podcast on enmeshment/SelfWork Blogpost on enmeshment/drmargaretrutherford.com You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Warning: This episode uses examples from the lives of real people who’ve been bullied by their own parents. So please listen with caution. Here  are a couple of numbers, one for the sexual abuse textline in the US and one for the US National Suicide Hotline. In this episode sponsored by BetterHelp, we’re going to talk about bullies that might be in your life today. Or from your past. What makes someone a bully? Is being a bully a diagnostic category? And as always, what can you do about it and how can you heal? The listener email is from a young woman who sounds to me as if she has, sadly, gone from the frying pan into the fire, and chosen a familiar pain – one that she felt in the biological famly, and now playing that out with the family she married into. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! Story line of Toy Story 3 - Teaser for  Mean Girls Teaser for Wonder Episode 139 on borderline and narcissistic personality disorder. Blog post on domestic violence and the difficulty in leaving. You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!   .            Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands