Dating Intentionally 251. What To Say In Conflict For Calmer Communication w/ Rikki Cloos
Apr 3, 2026
Rikki Cloos, creator of Anxious Hearts Guide and author helping people heal insecure attachment, walks through common communication traps and why words often miss our meaning. She shares a practical four-column framework, ways to pause and check intent, and seven relationship agreements her and her husband use. Practical tools like weekly check-ins and safer formats for hard talks round out the conversation.
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Pause Before Asking Are You Mad At Me
- Before asking 'Are you mad at me?' pause and check your root thought; ask a grounded, connecting question instead.
- Example alternative: notice their rough day and say, 'I noticed you've been going through a lot — can I do anything to help?'
Turn Inward To Define Your Need First
- Do the inward work first: identify your actual need without using 'you' to avoid blaming.
- Example: replace 'You leave socks everywhere' with 'I feel calmer in a clean space — can you help me keep this area tidy?'
Preface Hard Topics And Confirm You’ll Be Okay
- Preface difficult disclosures with 'This is hard for me to talk about' and shore up self-efficacy so you know you'll be okay regardless of the response.
- That prep both calms you and signals gravity to your partner, opening safer listening.
