253: Sonja Lyubomirsky: How To Actually Feel Loved

Mar 16, 2026

Sonja Lyubomirsky, psychologist and bestselling author who studies happiness and well-being, discusses how feeling loved grows from being known. She explores gratitude, acts of kindness, hedonic adaptation, curiosity-driven connection, vulnerability, and the multiplicity mindset. Short, practical habits and deep listening are highlighted as pathways to more meaningful relationships and lasting happiness.

Ask episode

AI Snips

Chapters

Books

Transcript

Episode notes

INSIGHT

Happiness Is Partly Controllable

Happiness is shaped by genetics, circumstances, and controllable behaviors, leaving a large portion of well-being up to our habits.
Lyubomirsky developed randomized interventions (gratitude, kindness) showing deliberate practices can raise happiness over time.

INSIGHT

Feeling Loved Is The Core Mechanism

Many happiness practices work because they increase relational connection; feeling loved is the key difference between happy and unhappy people.
Lyubomirsky collaborated with relationship scientist Harry Reis to explore love as central to flourishing.

ADVICE

Practice Kindness And Gratitude Regularly

Do practices that shift focus off yourself like gratitude and acts of kindness to increase well-being and even improve immune-related gene expression.
Lyubomirsky's lab randomly assigned participants to kindness tasks and measured healthier gene expression after doing kindness for others.

Get the Snipd Podcast app to discover more snips from this episode

Get the app

What if the secret to happiness isn’t success, status, or even positive thinking, but the simple act of letting yourself be known?

Psychologist and bestselling author Sonja Lyubomirsky has spent more than three decades studying human happiness. She shares from her new book, ⁠How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most⁠, about what science reveals about gratitude, kindness, hedonic adaptation, and the surprising limits of life circumstances. Her newest research goes even deeper: happiness flourishes when we feel genuinely loved, and that begins not by impressing others, but by becoming known.

Key Ideas:

Rethink What Happiness Is: Happiness is both feeling good in your life and feeling satisfied with your life—an interplay of emotion, meaning, and progress toward what matters.

Don’t Chase Circumstances: Beyond basic needs, new cars, promotions, and bigger houses bring only temporary boosts because of hedonic adaptation.

Practice What You Can Control: Gratitude, acts of kindness, and intentional habits can measurably increase well-being—even influencing immune health.

Lead With Curiosity: The first step to feeling loved is helping someone else feel loved—through genuine questions, deep listening, and real presence.

Choose Vulnerable Connection: We feel loved not when we impress others, but when we allow ourselves to be seen in our full humanity.

Adopt the Multiplicity Mindset: No single behavior defines you—or anyone else; compassion grows when we remember we are all complex, unfinished quilts of strengths and flaws.

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Show Notes, Resources and Transcript⁠⁠ for abridged episode with Sonja Lyubomirsky⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Join NSE+⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ — our subscriber-only community — for ad-free listening, member-only bonus content, and early access to live show tickets. Your membership helps make No Small Endeavor sustainable.

No Small Endeavor: An award-winning podcast that asks what it means to live a good life. Through conversations with leading thinkers across theology, philosophy, psychology, politics, and the social sciences, we explore human flourishing, meaning and purpose, faith and culture, science and religion, virtue and character, community, and the practices that help shape a good life grounded in truth, beauty, and goodness.

Follow ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@nosmallendeavor⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Host Lee C. Camp: Lee has worked as a professor of theology & ethics for more than 25 years, teaching and writing on topics of faith & politics, inter-religious dialog, and human flourishing at the intersection of theology, moral philosophy, and social sciences. Follow ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@leeccamp ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices