The Skill No One Teaches Us About Love | Baya Voce

69 snips

Mar 18, 2026

Baya Voce, a Columbia-educated clinician and relationship repair expert, helps couples reconnect after conflict. She talks about why conflict is normal and repair is the real skill. Short nervous-system practices, micro-repairs, and one-person-at-a-time listening are highlighted. They discuss how past wounds shape reactions and how practicing regulation can deepen connection.

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INSIGHT

Repair Is Capacity Not Communication

Repair is a capacity skill more than a communication skill; the ability to choose how to respond depends on nervous system regulation rather than having the right words.
Baya Voce explains when partners enter hyper- or hypoarousal they lose choice, so training window-of-tolerance is the core of repair.

INSIGHT

Conflict Is Normal And Often Perpetual

Relationship stages: honeymoon (merge), disillusionment/power struggle, then potential interdependence; conflict is normal and often perpetual.
Baya notes Gottman's finding ~69% of issues are perpetual, so the aim is managing not eliminating them.

ADVICE

Train Repair Like A Gym Routine

Start repair training with low-rep, low-weight exercises: practice on small recurring irritants before attempting big conflicts.
Baya's 'gym' metaphor instructs incremental exposure so you don't 'injure' your relationship capacity.

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