Episode 483: Making Relationship Agreements That Work

Mar 13, 2026

Dr. Nicole Thompson, sex and relationship psychotherapist and founder of The Pleasure Practice, joins to talk about designing workable agreements for non-monogamy. She explains needs versus desires and offers tools like the Compass of Consent. Short practices, scenario visualization, and gradual steps for building trust get special attention.

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ANECDOTE

Permission Text Story Reframes Need

Nicole recounts a partner who required permission texts before sexual contact.
She reframed it: the need was security; the permission text was one possible desire to meet that need.

INSIGHT

Visualization Reveals Hidden Jealousy

Visualizing hypothetical scenarios exposes emotions that haven't occurred yet, letting partners address fear earlier.
This mental rehearsal helps people become authors of their reactions instead of being controlled by them.

ADVICE

Negotiate Pace And Limits

Negotiate mutual commitments; if one partner needs slower steps, decide how much the other will slow down to support them.
Beware "kicking the can"—repeated postponement can stall a partner's growth.

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When people open a relationship, they often start by asking: what are the rules? But the real key to healthy non-monogamy isn’t rules. It’s clarity about needs, desires, and expectations. In this episode, we’re talking about how to design relationship agreements that actually work.

I am joined once again by Dr. Nicole Thompson, a sex and relationship psychotherapist and host of the popular podcast, Modern Anarchy. She is the author of The Psychedelic Jealousy Guide: Crafting Secure Non-Monogamous Relationships. She is also the founder of The Pleasure Practice, where she supports individuals in crafting pleasurable sex lives and expansive non-monogamous relationships.

Some of the specific topics we explore in this episode include:

What’s the difference between our needs and our desires?
How can partners discuss and negotiate different desires in healthy ways?
What kinds of things should go into a relationship agreement?
How do you cultivate feelings of security in a non-monogamous relationship?

To learn more, check out the Modern Anarchy website.

Got a sex question? Send me a podcast voicemail to have it answered on a future episode at speakpipe.com/sexandpsychology.

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Credits: Precision Podcasting (Podcast editing) and Shutterstock/Florian (Music). Image created with Canva; photos used with permission of guest.