Episode 472: Why Being Loved Doesn’t Always Feel Like Love

10 snips

Feb 3, 2026

Sonja Lyubomirsky, a psychology professor and bestselling happiness author, explores why being loved often does not feel like love. She discusses the gap between admiration and being truly known. She examines myths that block feeling loved, technology and AI’s effects on connection, and how feeling loved shapes desire and intimacy.

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INSIGHT

Loved But Not Feeling It

You can be objectively loved yet still not feel loved because emotional experience depends on internal filters and connection.
Sonja Lyubomirsky compares it to a leaky or small-mouthed cup that prevents love from being received.

INSIGHT

Admiration vs. Being Known

Admiration and praise often show a polished self, which doesn't create deep connection or make us feel truly known.
Lyubomirsky says being known, not merely admired, is essential for feeling loved.

ADVICE

Ask Deeper Questions

Move beyond small talk and ask deeper, respectful questions to help others feel seen and heard.
Sonja cites research showing people generally want deeper questions and authentic connection.

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You can be deeply loved—and still not feel it. In this episode, we’re exploring the gap between being loved and feeling loved, the myths that keep love from landing, and how modern life can amplify disconnection. If you’ve ever felt unseen, insecure, or lonely inside an otherwise good relationship, this conversation will help you understand why, and what you can do about it.

My guest is Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky, a Distinguished Professor of Psychology at the University of California, Riverside and author of the best-selling books The How of Happiness and The Myths of Happiness. Her latest book, co-authored with Dr. Harry Reis, is titled How To Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More Of What Matters Most.

Some of the specific topics we explore in this episode include:

Why do so many people struggle to feel loved, even when they clearly are?
How can admiration and praise actually leave us feeling lonelier?
Why does believing you have to “earn” love block you from experiencing it?
What happens to our mental health, relationships, and desire when we don’t feel loved?
How is modern technology undermining our sense of connection?

To learn more about How to Feel Loved, click here.

Got a sex question? Send me a podcast voicemail to have it answered on a future episode at speakpipe.com/sexandpsychology.

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Credits: Precision Podcasting (Podcast editing) and Shutterstock/Florian (Music). Image created with Canva; photos used with permission of guest.