E249: Help! I can’t orgasm with my partner. What do I do?

10 snips

Feb 26, 2026

A frank conversation about why many women don’t orgasm in partnered sex and the hidden coping strategies people use. Personal stories reveal how faking, silence, and minimizing needs damage desire and connection. Practical talk on why vague advice fails and how specific techniques and communication can shift sexual confidence and pleasure.

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ANECDOTE

Vanessa’s Personal Struggle With Partnered Orgasm

Vanessa Marin learned to orgasm alone but could not with partners and felt broken and ashamed.
She describes faking early sex experiences and the confusion of succeeding solo yet failing in partnered contexts, which shaped her career focus.

ANECDOTE

The Fiddle Comment That Ended Faking

Vanessa recounts a dating moment where she faked and the man bragged, "I can play you like a fiddle," which disgusted her and ended the relationship.
That remark triggered her vow to stop faking and pursue real orgasm tools.

INSIGHT

The Measured Orgasm Gap In Their Audience

Their survey found 29% of women always orgasm versus 73% of men, revealing a 44% gap.
62% of women report their male partner orgasms more often, and men dramatically overestimate women's orgasm rates.

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Not orgasming with your partner is way more common than most people realize.

And for a lot of women, it turns into one of three coping strategies.

Faking. Doing nothing. Or convincing yourself it’s “not a big deal.”

In today’s episode, we’re talking about why so many women struggle to orgasm in partnered sex — even in loving, committed relationships — and how those patterns quietly shape your confidence, desire, and connection over time.

Vanessa shares her own journey with orgasm, including the truth that even as a sex therapist, she didn’t always have this “figured out.” She opens up about faking in past relationships, feeling stuck, and realizing she needed real tools — not just reassurance — to experience pleasure consistently.

If you’ve ever wondered:

“Is this just how sex is for me?”

“Am I asking for too much?”

“Why does this feel so complicated?”

This episode is for you.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:

The three most common ways women cope with not orgasming.
Why faking feels easier at first — and harder over time.
The real data behind the orgasm gap.
What thousands of women said is holding them back from pleasure.
How pressure, performance, and people-pleasing kill desire.
Why “it’s fine” often leads to resentment.
What to say if you’ve been faking and want a reset.
How to start advocating for your pleasure without blowing things up.
Why you deserve the same experience your partner is having.

If you’ve ever felt confused, discouraged, or quietly frustrated about orgasm, please know this: you’re not broken, you’re not behind, and you’re not alone. This is something you can learn. And you deserve support while you do.

💗 Featured Resource: Finishing School

Finishing School is Vanessa’s most technique-focused program, designed to teach you step-by-step how to have an orgasm alone and with a partner.

Inside, you’ll learn:

How your body actually works.
What techniques create reliable pleasure.
How to communicate what you need.
How to stop guessing and start feeling confident.
How to experience orgasms without pressure or performance.

This is everything Vanessa wishes she’d had when she was struggling.

👉 Start here: vmtherapy.com/orgasm

Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander

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