Saying 'it's fine' and losing desire

Not orgasming with your partner is way more common than most people realize.

And for a lot of women, it turns into one of three coping strategies.

Faking. Doing nothing. Or convincing yourself it’s “not a big deal.”

In today’s episode, we’re talking about why so many women struggle to orgasm in partnered sex — even in loving, committed relationships — and how those patterns quietly shape your confidence, desire, and connection over time.

Vanessa shares her own journey with orgasm, including the truth that even as a sex therapist, she didn’t always have this “figured out.” She opens up about faking in past relationships, feeling stuck, and realizing she needed real tools — not just reassurance — to experience pleasure consistently.

If you’ve ever wondered:

“Is this just how sex is for me?”

“Am I asking for too much?”

“Why does this feel so complicated?”

This episode is for you.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:

• The three most common ways women cope with not orgasming.

• Why faking feels easier at first — and harder over time.

• The real data behind the orgasm gap.

• What thousands of women said is holding them back from pleasure.

• How pressure, performance, and people-pleasing kill desire.

• Why “it’s fine” often leads to resentment.

• What to say if you’ve been faking and want a reset.

• How to start advocating for your pleasure without blowing things up.

• Why you deserve the same experience your partner is having.

If you’ve ever felt confused, discouraged, or quietly frustrated about orgasm, please know this: you’re not broken, you’re not behind, and you’re not alone. This is something you can learn. And you deserve support while you do.

💗 Featured Resource: Finishing School

Finishing School is Vanessa’s most technique-focused program, designed to teach you step-by-step how to have an orgasm alone and with a partner.

Inside, you’ll learn:

• How your body actually works.

• What techniques create reliable pleasure.

• How to communicate what you need.

• How to stop guessing and start feeling confident.

• How to experience orgasms without pressure or performance.

This is everything Vanessa wishes she’d had when she was struggling.

👉 Start here: vmtherapy.com/orgasm

Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices