Marriage After God

If you have been blessed by our free marriage after god content wed love to invite you to join our patron team. So if you haven't joined the team yet here is your chance.Please visit marriageaftergod.com/patron--The Gospel, It’s the good news of Salvation to the world. It's good news because it tells us that where we could only fail Jesus could only succeed. It brings us near to God yet while we were far off. The Gospel makes us whole where we were in pieces. But does the gospel only matter before we believe or after also? Once we have stepped into it do we simply leave it behind? Or is the Gospel something that we as believers should cling to in every aspect of our lives? Connect With UsInstagram | @marriageaftergodInstagram | @unveiledwifeInstagram | @husbandrevolutionCheck out our marriage resources!SponsorsGet our new book The Marriage Gift - 365 prayers for your marriage!

The word LOVE has been used so often and for such a variety of things. Commonly applied to everything from pets to food, from clothing to cars, and of course in significant relationships. If we love all of our things… then what does it mean when we do tell our spouse, “I Love you”?How are those around us, our spouse, our children, our friends and our family to know the difference between our love for things and our love for them? How can one word have so many different levels of meaning? Has it been diluted through the way we use it?Has it ceased to hold its powerful purpose? And How can we hope to revive the meaning and depth of this word when it comes to those to whom it is to mean the most?--If you have been blessed by the free marriage after god content wed love to invite you to join our patron team. Please visit marriageaftergod.com/patron Connect With UsInstagram | @marriageaftergodInstagram | @unveiledwifeInstagram | @husbandrevolutionCheck out our marriage resources!SponsorsGet our new book The Marriage Gift - 365 prayers for your marriage!

 All of us, on some level, desire transformation in our marriage. Whether that transformation is a small change, or a complete overhaul, we all want to experience more joy, peace, love and purpose. Ultimately, we are always going through some form of transformation, because we don’t remain completely the same. All of us are being transformed into something; the question is, are we transforming into what God desires, or something else?The first step in changing, is realizing that we can. The lie we often tell ourselves is that we cannot change, or never will. We must believe that we can and will change, because of what God says. The journey to change can be really difficult, but to begin, start by doing the next right thing. Here are 7 ways to establish the change and transformation you want to see in your own marriage:Write it outWrite down your goals for your marriage and your walk with the Lord, together! Writing down your thoughts and goals makes them visible and real. Not only does this give you and your spouse something to work towards, it ensures you are on the same page. Whether they are smaller goals, such as “affirm one another more often,” or larger goals, such as “get out of debt,” it is important to know about and work together towards your objectives.The Golden RuleMatthew 7:12 12 So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets. In other words, treat your spouse the way you would like to be treated. Be honest, treat them with gentleness and respect, encourage them, and forgive quickly. Pursue your spouse as you would want to be pursued.If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at allRegardless of how we are feeling at any given moment, it isn’t acceptable to be cruel or hurtful with our words and actions. We must practice holding our tongues and thinking before we speak. Silence, and the ability to listen more in an argument, is more important than being right. Think about what you are going to say. If it is not something you would love to hear from your spouse, then maybe it should not be said. If you do have a critique, bring it to your spouse constructively and from a place of love and respect.Stop being easily offendedOne of the attributes of love is that it is not easily offended. It is not irritable or resentful. We can become more easily offended when we love ourselves more than we love our spouse, or in the places where we allow insecurity to seep in. When we are not abiding in the word, it will be easy to react in our flesh. If we truly love, we will not be irritable or resentful. Remind your spouse that you are both working on not being offended with each other.More romance and more sexOur marriages need both the physical and emotional connection that romance and sex bring. Physical intimacy is a powerful gift God has given to our marriages. Emotionally, finding ways to relate and to bring excitement and mystery into your daily life is essential in connecting with your spouse’s heart and mind. Invest in your marriageInvesting in something means to spend your time, money, energy, and resources on that thing. Investing in your marriage will result in great returns for generations to come. Whether it is going on regular dates, attending a marriage retreat, reading books, or praying for one another, these investments will sow seeds that many (especially you and your spouse), will reap the benefits of.See your spouse and yourself through Christ’s eyesWhen you look at your spouse, choose to see them as Christ does. Have hope in seeing who your spouse can become in Christ and love them how Christ does, instead of constantly viewing them critically. See them through a lens of grace, not who they are in their sin, but who they are because of the blood of Christ; a new creation.Change can just happen, but that kind of change is usually the result of being passive in decisions and what you allow to influence your mind and heart. Powerful transformation comes from putting in the time and effort. It takes being selfless and sacrificial; it requires much, but the benefits of becoming more Christ-like are exceedingly worthwhile.--This episode is brought to you by our faithful patron team, who have chosen to help financially support this show monthly. Here is a shout-out to some of our most recent patrons. Nicole MitchellDawn GKimberly SKatharine CCandice GRegena JWe thank you so much for choosing to partner with us in blessing 10’s of thousands of couples with free daily prayer emails and this weekly podcast.If you have been blessed by the free marriage after god content, wed love to invite you to join our patron team. Please visit marriageaftergod.com/patron TRANSCRIPTAaron:Hey, we're Aaron and Jennifer Smith, your host of the Marriage After God Podcast. All of us on some level desire a transformation in our marriage. Whether the transformation is a small change or a complete overhaul, we want to experience more joy, more peace, more love, and more purpose. Jennifer:The truth is, we are always going through some form of transformation, for there is no such thing as staying the same. The question is, are we transforming into what God desires, or something else? Aaron:This episode is brought to you by our faithful patron team who have chosen to help financially support this show. Here's a shout to some of the most recent patrons: Nicole M, Don G, Kimberly S, Katherine C, Candace, G, and Regina J. We thank you so much for choosing to partner with us in blessing tens of thousands of couples, with free daily prayer emails, and this weekly podcast.If you've been blessed by this free Marriage After God content, we'd love to invite you to join our patron team. Please visit Marriageaftergod.com/patron. Jennifer:Well, this has been a whole month now of the podcast. Aaron:We're doing it. Jennifer:It's awesome. Aaron:We are doing it. Jennifer:Welcome to 2023. How's January been for you? Aaron:Well, it feels like we've been doing better because we're better as in, we've talked about, we're getting into routines. The routines look different than they used to, but we're getting some routines and I like it. Jennifer:Yeah, sometimes you just got to reset. Sometimes life forces you to reset. Aaron:Yeah, hence 2020, 2021, 2022. Jennifer:Every year there's been new reset. Yeah, so what's been happening lately since last week? Aaron:Well, just before ... Jennifer:Oh, yeah, I was going to say that. Aaron:Yeah. I walk in, and I wanted to Jennifer look at the notes and she's like, "What notes?" I'm like, "Oh my goodness. Was one of the kids in here?" Jennifer:There was just two sentences and a bunch of gibberish. Aaron:Garbly. Yeah. Jennifer:Did you say garbly? Aaron:Garbly goop. It was, all the notes were deleted, literally. Jennifer:Who was the culprit? That's what I want to know. Aaron:I'm wondering what else happened in our room. Luckily, I was able to restore the notes so we weren't out of luck, but something that is awesome that happened this week is I got to start Jiu-Jitsu. Jennifer:Nice. The kids have been doing it for a year. Did you know that? Aaron:It's been a whole year? Jennifer:I know. Crazy. Went by fast. Aaron:They're getting really good and I was getting jealous, and I'm like, "I got to get good at Jiu-Jitsu so that I can wrestle with them and them not win me every time." I started this week and I think you're a little jealous, because I think you want to start too. Jennifer:I've been wanting to start for seven months. I feel like out of everyone in the family, Mom gets to make those kind of choices last because everyone's got to be okay if I'm going to step out of the house. Aaron:It is true. We need you a lot. Jennifer:Timing was off, but who knows? Aaron:I think we might try it this week though together, on a date night or something. Jennifer:I think we're going to try it on a date night. Aaron:We should do it. Jennifer:It's just a fundamentals class, so there it'll be easy for me, I think. Not easy, but I'm not going to do what you're doing. Aaron:Straightforward. Yeah. To be honest, it was one of the most rewarding and intense workouts I've had in a very long time. I walk out drenched, soaking. It's disgusting. I'm so wet. I was getting in the van and I had to look for something to sit on so I wouldn't get the seat all wet. Jennifer:That's gross. Aaron:It was really gross, and I'm also really sore. To be honest, I felt really good after the first class. I was like, "Dang, I'm not that bad. I did awesome." Then the second class, I realized everyone was probably being really nice to me because I'm not good at all. That was awesome, actually. Jennifer:Does that make you want to go back? Aaron:Yeah. It was still a lot of fun. No one was mean about it. Everyone's so nice and they want, everyone wants to get good together. Yeah, it just made me excited. Jennifer:That's good for this episode. Get good together. That's what we should call it. Aaron:Get good together. Yeah, it was a lot of fun. I'm looking forward to growing in it. Jennifer:Cool. Well, something that's been interesting for me was a little bit unexpected, just because we've had conversations about it, but ... Aaron:Privately. Jennifer:The kids started praying for me crazy ... Aaron:Out of nowhere. Jennifer:... that I would have another baby, and it really warms my heart. Aaron and I have talked about this in the past. We're like, we look at Edith, she's two, almost three, and she's been our baby for so long that it's like ... Aaron:Is this the longest gap we've had so far? Yeah. Jennifer:WI think to myself, okay, well if this is all the kids that we have, I'm totally content and happy with where our family is at. Then there's this piece of my heart that I'm like, but if I did have another, that'd be awesome. Aaron:Our hands are always open in that sense. We want God's will. At the same time, we're praying and asking God to bring us along with them. Our kids started praying for it. Jennifer:Every day. Aaron:At Bible time, I'm like, "Who would anyone like to pray?" First prayer, God give mommy a baby. Then Elliot just came up randomly, me and you were talking this morning, just about the day, and I can't remember what we were talking about. He just comes over and puts his hands on both of us and looks at us and starts praying for a baby. We're like, okay, I guess you guys want a baby. Jennifer:That's just been going on a week. Aaron:We will see if you guys get an announcement at some point this year about a baby. Jennifer:Stick around if you want to hear it announced on the podcast. Aaron:You will hear about it if that happens. Jennifer:We shall see. Aaron:For this topic, transforming your marriage, it's hard to say that. Transforming. Jennifer:No, it's get better together, or what'd you say? Aaron:Yeah, let's do this together. Get better together. Transforming your marriage together. We wanted to bring up some ideas, and we actually have seven of them for you. What inspired this idea for you, Jennifer? You kind of wrote down some of these ideas that we've been building off of. Jennifer:Yeah. Well, the initial just idea of, hey, let's talk about transformation for a minute. Marriage came because of a conversation that we had back in December. I was having a hard time dealing with desiring change and wanting change, and being frustrated over things not changing, Aaron:Which also has been the theme for this whole month. Jennifer:Yeah, yeah. I remember calling you, and we were having a conversation about, well, I was letting my emotions out and you, you're being a good listener. Then you said, "Let's transform together. Let's be transformed together," or something like that. Aaron:Yeah. Well, because you felt like you couldn't. I don't know how to do this. I can't do this. That's why we've been talking about this in various aspects throughout this month, but we all feel that way. That's why I shared it. I feel like there's things in my life that I can't break out of either, that I can't change. Then I was just saying, "Well, we have to be transformed."That's the only way we have true change in our life is if there's a transformation. We can't be the same person but act differently. We can't be the same in the same place and yet be in a different place. We have to change. We have to move. Jennifer:I think the tension of the agony in all of our lives when it comes to transformation is we're on one side where we desire the change, because we're frustrated over the results and things happening because of where we're at ... Aaron:The consequences of where we're at. Jennifer:We also know that to get to the other side of change, it just requires a lot. Aaron:It's painful. Jennifer:It's painful, and it's hard to make those changes and those habits, and redefining rhythms and routines, and things that will help make all of that happen. Aaron:I think an encouragement also about transformation, because it's easy to say, we got to be transformed. It's like, well, yeah. How? I think the first step, and it's something that we've been trying to reiterate, is that first of all, we can change. If there's areas in our lives that we don't like, or that we know God wants change in us, we have the ability to, because God's putting his spirit. He's put his spirit in us. It's not impossible, and they feel that way, but the reality is we, are being transformed.Like we said in the beginning of this episode, all of us are being transformed into something. Either we're being lazy or we're being lax, and we're being transformed into something that we don't want because we're just letting it happen, or we're following God, we're putting our eyes on him. We're seeking first his kingdom. We're letting his spirit work in us. We're not fighting it, and we're being transformed into his likeness. Jennifer:The lie is that we're stuck. Aaron:The lie is that we can't change the lies is that there, that we are what we are. Jennifer:We're here in our heads. We'll never change. That's what I was getting stuck in, is like, no, I'm never going to change. You see yourself one way, and it gets really hard to see yourself in a new way. Aaron:Yeah. Believing that we can, like you said, but then also believing what God says and believing that he has something for us. Jennifer:The reason why we wanted to bring this up to you today for those listening is because we kind of had this conversation going on in our marriage, and we know that we're not the only ones who have struggled with desiring change in marriage, or in parenting, or in life, in so many different areas of life. We want to encourage you guys, if you're in that place of desiring change and transformation, we hope that today encourages you.Maybe what we share, not every single bit of it will stick with you or be something that you feel like you need to work on, but I'm sure there's at least one or two. Aaron:Well, and the point is, there's this saying that it says, how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. Well, if you think about the whole thing, you're like, it can. The goal is taking that next step, just moving forward, asking God, saying, "God, help me get to the whatever the next footprint is." Jennifer:Yeah. Aaron:Not trying to look at the goal a thousand miles away and saying, "I can never get there." Just realize there's a journey that we're all on. We hope you feel the grace and the mercy that God's been showing us is that it's okay that we're on this journey, and that we sometimes don't know what we're doing. Transformation and change feels hard because it is, actually. We all can do it because we have Christ. Jennifer:We're going to share seven ways that you can transform your marriage with your spouse. Some of these are practical, some of them are just good old fashioned truth from the Bible. We hope that these stick with you guys and encourage you toward that change you've been yearning for. Aaron:A lot of these things are things that we ourselves have recognized helped us or will help us as we have been trying to implement them more. It's not like we've just came up with these for you. This is things that work for us too. Jennifer:Our experience. Aaron:This first one, I've mentioned it so many times in other episodes, but it works so well for you, Jennifer, but it also works really well for me. Jennifer:For us. Aaron:For us. Jennifer:We get to see it together. Aaron:What is it? It's write it out. It's very practical. The idea is write it out. This first one ... Jennifer:Not ride, write it out. Aaron:Not ride it out. That is a good tip, actually. Just get through. No, write it out, W-R-I-T-E. There's something really powerful about writing things down. Jennifer:We've kind of been doing it all week with the growth spurt, if people have been following along. Aaron:We got our own cards out. The fact that I wrote it down and put it on the refrigerator ... Jennifer:Makes you think about it every day. Aaron:I see it, and I realize I'm like, oh man, I'm not following through with that thing that I said I'm going to do. I'm looking at the clock right now actually. The thing I wrote down was I'm going to be in bed by nine, and I did it last night just about. Jennifer:You're not supposed to talk about it yet. Aaron:Sorry. Jennifer:That's the notes on there for later. Aaron:Yeah. Okay. Jennifer:You guys have to listen to the rest of the episode today to hear more. Yeah, I'm going to cut you off. Aaron:The idea behind this is meet together to write down some goals you have for your marriage. Jennifer:Sometimes we don't even know what it is that we want to change into or be transformed in unless we get it out of our hearts, get it out of our heads and see it on a piece of paper. You go, "Oh yeah, that's what it is. That's what I want." Aaron:These actually, they could be large goals, but something things that are practical, especially when you start talking together, you start realizing like, oh, there's some disparaging thing. Well, you have this goal and I have this goal. How can we meet in the middle? How can we figure that out? What's awesome about that is you figure that out. Jennifer:Compromising. Aaron:Yeah, compromising. Then also finding out, well, what are some large goals we have that we can write down and shoot for that might take years? What are some short term or smaller goals that we can start focusing on now? Jennifer:It sounds like more though, that's more for a couple who wants to dream together. If this whole episode is about transforming your marriage, we're talking more relational goals here. Aaron:Relationship, home life, spiritual walk goals. Goals. You can also break them up, goals for your walk with God, maybe individually and together; goals for your marriage. What do you want your marriage to look like? What do you want to represent? What do you want people to say about your marriage? What do you want to show to your kids in your marriage?Then the next one would be goals for your family. What do you want your family to look like? Represent? How do you want it to operate? For us, we've talked about this. We used to do bible time very consistently every day. A goal for us would be like, "Hey, let's get back to that consistency of doing Bible time every day throughout the week." Jennifer:Then asking each other, "What's the best time to do that?" That's where that compromise comes in of like, okay, well, for me, it'd be this time and let's work that out. I also want to just add right here that my encouragement would be, don't go list 25 ways you want your marriage to improve.Pick one or two, because you want something that you can work towards and feel good about when you're actually feeling the success of it, when you're feeling the change coming and you're making those decisions. If you overwhelm yourself with a lofty list, then your mind and heart's going to freak out because it's going to be hard. Aaron:Yeah. Some of the ways, I just want to mention one more thing. When we write these things down, you kind of said a second ago, it gets things that we may not know how to verbalize them in the moment, or they're things that just have dwelled in our hearts. Maybe those things have turned into anxiety or frustration or bitterness, because we don't see them happening, but they're also never being voiced in a real tangible way.It gives it a place to live. It makes it from this internal secret thing to a real life thing that can be looked at, evaluated, calculated, remembered, and even held accountable to, because it exists. Jennifer:Also just to add to that list, a repetition of seeing it helps you remember about it. There's so many things that we've talked about, and then it's like, once we've talked about it's gone and you forget so easily. Yet if you write it down and you see it constantly, in that repetition, you're forming that memory in your brain to be on it. Aaron:A couple of things this does for you in your marriage. If you guys plan a night to sit down, maybe it's at a date night, which is often when Jennifer and I do it, or after the kids go to bed, or in the morning after breakfast. I don't know, whatever works for you guys. You guys start getting into a habit of planning things together. Hey, we're going to do this together now. It's like, it's not just, oh, let's hang out and talk. It's a let's be specific and focused. It also gives you an opportunity to figure out life together.Now, you're building this bond of like, hey, let's talk about things that are important to us and what that looks like. The third thing is it brings accountability. Like we said, Bible time. Jennifer, you look at me, you're like, "Hey, remember we decided we're going to do bible time?" Jennifer:Oh yeah. Aaron:I'm like, "Yes." Then I stop what I'm doing because she knows that's the moment that we would do it. I sit down. Now we can help each other because we made that agreement together. We wrote these things down together. Now that bond and that commitment is all really good stuff that happens in your marriage. Jennifer:Let me ask this question, if that's all really good, especially if you're on the same page and there's unity and oneness toward working towards some of these things. Let's say you are listening right now, but Aaron, I'm posing this to you. If you're as a listener and you're thinking, okay, well me and my spouse, we're not quite there yet, and I don't know if we'll be able to have that conversation. Is it something you could do individually, separate? Aaron:Well, if ... Jennifer:For a time while the Lord's working on both of you. Aaron:Yah, maybe there's a relationship where it's not as tight and maybe that wouldn't be this season right now, they're not going to be sitting down and writing goals together. Yeah, absolutely. Again, we believe in the Holy Spirit. We believe in what God tells us. A wife or husband, if you're the one wanting to do this, I would say start, your planning and goal setting should be a regular prayer for your spouse.Lord, help me to grow in my love for them. Lord, help them transform into the man or the woman that you have made them to be. Seeing look more like these prayer goals for your spouse who maybe not be on the same page with you to be drawn into it more. Jennifer:That's good. Aaron:Yeah. Jennifer:All right. This next one, we're on number two. We're only on number two. Number two, how to transform your marriage. We're going to take it back to Sunday school. Okay, guys. It's because, if we're honest, we don't always operate this way. Aaron:No. We want others to, but we don't. Jennifer:Okay. Number two is the golden rule. Aaron:Yeah. If we can incorporate the golden rule into our marriage, into our life, oh, man. It would literally would change everything. Jennifer:You're saying. Intentionally do it like it. Well, because we do probably generally think about this at some point, but maybe not. I don't know. Aaron:The golden rule. If you don't know it, Matthew seven 12, Jesus says, "So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them for this is the law and prophets." Jennifer:Okay, so question. Do you operate in this with me? Aaron:I would say I try to on a regular basis, but I would say the times that I don't is not good. Jennifer:Yeah. That's kind of where I land. We need to be better at this. Okay. Aaron:Often, the way my kids put it, because the way they hear this is I'm going to do to them as they do to me. I'm like, "That's not what it says." Often that's what we do. We do. You did this, so I'm going to do it. Jennifer:We just mirror everybody. Aaron:Instead of breaking that cycle and saying, "Oh, I'm not going to do that thing because I wouldn't want it done to me." If we just applied this rule more regularly, if we looked at our life and said, "I'm going to commit, Lord, you helping me to do unto my wife as I would wish her to do unto me," man, it would change everything. If I treated you the way I wanted to be treated, if I don't want you to be harsh to me, then I should be gentle to you, right?I'm going to treat you. I want you to be gentle. I'm going to be gentle. If I wouldn't want you to lie to me, which I don't know anyone who would want someone to lie to them, then I shouldn't lie to you even about little things. It keeps going. If I'm going to want to be pursued by you ... Jennifer:You were going to see by someone else. Aaron:I know. I don't know why I was going to say that. If I want to be pursued by you, then I should pursue you. Jennifer:Yeah. Aaron:If I want to be encouraged, then I should be encouraging. I should encourage you as much as I would want to be encouraged by you. The point is, whether or not you do it to me, that's what I would want, so I should treat you that way. Jennifer:Galatians five 13 through 14 says, "For you're called to freedom brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love, serve one another, for the whole law is fulfilled in one word. You shall love your neighbor as yourself." Aaron:If we love each other the way we want to be loved, if I love you as myself, which in marriage you are myself, that's what the Bible teaches, we're one. I'm actually fulfilling the law and it continues on, and it says, "I would never steal from you if I love you. I would never lie to you if I love you. I would never murder you if I love you." You don't break the law. When you love someone, you're actually fulfilling all of the law in it.If we treat each other, golden rule, the way we want to be treated, there'll be so much more joy and peace and power and forgiveness in all the things that we want because we're doing it. Even if only one person's doing it, you're getting 50% more of it than you were before. Jennifer:Right. All right, moving on to number three. Should we say it together? Aaron:Okay. One, two, three. Jennifer:If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Aaron:If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. That's really funny, because it's been our whole life here, right? Jennifer:Yeah. I'm sure everybody. Aaron:My parents always saying that. We always said something not nice. Jennifer:Even still, there's times we want to speak our minds. Aaron:Often, we get angry, we're hurt, and we think that gives us the right to say angry and hurtful things to our spouse. Maybe some of you don't, but we have when we feel justified. Jennifer:I was going to say, because the things that I don't mean to hurt you or be mean, I think I'm just stating the obvious or observing something, or saying something that's true. The way that I'm saying it or ... Aaron:Well, it's the heart and the intention and then the purpose behind it is what's not nice. I was saying critiques are good, this note I put here. When they're brought constructively, so like you said ... Jennifer:Well, not in the middle of an argument. Aaron:Well, and with the purpose of constructive criticism and love, and like you said, not in the middle of I'm mad at you, and therefore, boom. Jennifer:Right. Here's another one. Aaron:We've done it and we do it. If we can practice holding our tongues, meaning being quiet, not saying the thing that comes to our top of our mind when we're in the middle of a heated argument, or we're hurt or frustrated, is so much more fruitful than just letting it out. Jennifer:This is a really big one for making transformation happen in your marriage, because you listed a practical and an action, where it is how you treat each other, but the tongue, you hear that over and over and over again. The things that you say to your spouse, they are not easily forgotten, and they bring up ... Aaron:Especially if your spouse repeats them often, because that could happen. Becoming an echo chamber, here's things that I'm going to continue to say. Sometimes it comes from a heart of I just want, and you've said this, I have to say something because I feel like if I don't, they're not going to change. They won't ... Jennifer:You won't know. Yeah. Aaron:... Deceive that thing. Jennifer:Yeah. All I'm saying is even though it's a small part of our body, our tongues are so powerful. What's that proverb where it talks about the tongue brings life or death? It builds up a home or tears it down. Aaron:He who loves it, eats it, eats up its fruit or something like that. Jennifer:Yeah. We should have put that note in here, but seriously, we could have a great day. We could be treating each other well. We could be hitting our goals, but if we don't practice self-control with our tongues, or thinking before we speak ... Aaron:Well, and to be honest, silence is often better than saying the thing that you want to say. Jennifer:Not the silent treatment, that's different. Aaron:Not the silent treatment. Yeah. Not saying silent as a weapon, but holding your tongue as a form of love. Jennifer:Being slow to speak love. Aaron:Yes, slow to speak and quick to listen is what the Bible says. There's a verse that should put some fear in us about how we talk to each other. It's in Galatians five 15. It's actually the continuation of verse you just read. It says, "But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another."This idea of are we walking in the flesh so much with each other, the way we communicate with each other, the way we talk to each other, and we're not loving our neighbors ourself, we're not loving our spouse as we love ourself, we're not doing unto others as we'd have them do unto us, that it turns into this biting and devouring of one another. Jennifer:Like a cycle of just going back and forth. Aaron:I feel like we've brought this up before, but when we are talking this way, even in an argument, we're chipping away at ourselves, because we're one. We're chipping away our teammanship, our unity, our oneness, and our love. Being quiet is so much better than letting it out. Okay, number four. Stop being easily offended. Jennifer:This was a huge one for us. We started out this list by telling you guys this list was based off of our own experience and what we walk through. Aaron:Things that we're actually trying to walk through, yeah. Jennifer:When we came to this realization that, "Hey, we're actually being really easily offended. We need to stop doing this," it was a game changer. Aaron:Really was. This is actually one of the attributes of love. Love is patient, love is kind, and then it says, "Love is not irritable or resentful." Irritable means easily frustrated, easily offended, like bothered. It's like this. It's an oversensitivity. Jennifer:You walk past me, and you've done something that I disagree with or it's frustrating, or you do something differently than how I would do it, and I just respond. I just snap. Aaron:You snap. Yeah. Jennifer:I huff under my breath and I'm just irritated by you. Aaron:A good way of looking at this is when we make people feel like they have to walk on eggshells, that old idiom that says like, oh, I have to tippy toe. If I just slightly crack that little egg over there, you're going to like freak out on me. Jennifer:Another way this happens is by, if one of us wants to share something, and we say it the wrong way, or our intention is well, and we feel like it needs to be said, but the other person is just easily offended, they can't even hear what's being said, because they're just resistant to hearing. That's happened before. Aaron:I think we become easily offended when we get stuck in a place of loving ourselves more than we love our spouse. Jennifer:That's good. Yeah. Aaron:What that means is I love myself so much that I don't want you to step on my toe, or hurt my feelings, or say something that's going to bother me, or do something that I'm embarrassed by, or anything that's going to make me feel uncomfortable or inconvenienced or you name it. Jennifer:Yeah. The question in the head goes, why aren't you doing X or Y or Z? Aaron:For me. Jennifer:For me, yeah. Aaron:You did this thing against me, and now I am feeling this way, or it comes from a place of insecurity. You're ashamed or guilty, or you feel a certain way about yourself. We take that out on our spouse. We make them want them to be at fault for how we feel. Jennifer:Like projecting our feelings. Aaron:Yeah. There could be so many other reasons for this. We're not psychologists, but ... Jennifer:I could say one thing. When you're not abiding in the word and you're not walking with Christ, our flesh gets irritated. Aaron:Easily, yeah. Jennifer:Bothered. We get selfish. We get all kinds of pride. That's just another way. Sorry, go ahead. Aaron:No, but if we truly love, we will not be irritable or resentful. Always having it out for our spouse, like, "Oh, they always are this way with me." A good place to start with this is again, going back to that, writing it down, maybe having, writing down, "Hey, we're going to work on not being easily offended," and then reminding each other in those moments of a quick irritation, a quick offense.Why'd you do that? Why'd you say that to me? Reminding each other that we're working on it? "Hey, remember, we're working on not being easily offended?" Jennifer:Yeah. Aaron:If I bothered you, let's talk about it, but let's not be easily offended, and then going back and forth. I think that's a really good place to start. Jennifer:I just want to add, if you're listening right now and there's been tension in your marriage for any reason, start here. Make this one your number one. Aaron:That's good. Jennifer:Yep. Aaron:Number five. This is going to be a hard one for some people and a really good one for some people: more romance and more sex. Jennifer:Okay, Aaron. Aaron:Okay. I could have said more intimacy. That's what I originally wrote. Then I wanted to be more specific because the wife's going to see intimacy one way and the husband's going to see it another way. Really ... Jennifer:I think we all get it though. Aaron:We need both romance and sex. We need the blessing of what both of those bring to our marriage, both the physical and the emotional. That's kind of how I categorize this. Romance is more of the emotional intimacy, that connection, and then the physical is that sex. It's the physical connection where two are becoming one and the bodies are connecting. They're both necessary, both needed, and we shouldn't do one and not the other. Jennifer:Yeah. Anytime we've intentionally focused on this area of our life and just made it kind of a focus for us, it's blessed us. It's helped us. Aaron:Always. Yeah. Jennifer:It's made our relationship feel more full. We feel more unified. We feel more connected. We feel more interested in each other. Don't you feel like that? Aaron:Well, the desire grows the more we work on these areas, the more we want them in our life. I don't know if you've noticed, but the order I put these in is for a reason. They're writing it down. You could take each one of these things and start putting these down as relational goals. Jennifer:That's good. Aaron:Then they're visible. The doing into others, so treating your spouse the way you'd want to be treated. If I want my wife to be more physical and more in interested in me in that way, then I'm going to do things that would be loving to her, massages and other types of physical intimacy that she appreciates and desires. Jennifer:I see. Not being easily offended has to be taken care of before you jump into this next one. Aaron:Exactly. Jennifer:Got it. You should have corrected me when I said you should make number three, your number one. I didn't know you put these in order like that. Aaron:Well, I did because this is actually an area where being easily offended always gets in the way. If we have easy offenses ... Jennifer:Makes it so much harder to get there. Aaron:If I'm desiring one thing, and you can't give that to me for whatever reason, you're tired, long day, sore, painful, whatever, and I'm easily offended by that, rather than loving you and being patient and it messes things up and vice versa. Yeah, I did put these in an order because they matter on some sense to work on each one of these areas in little ways. They will all benefit each other. Romance, I just wanted to pull out some ideas for this section that the ... Jennifer:You're going to give them ideas? Aaron:Emotional intimacy. It's this feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love. That's the definition, in search of romance. It's a quality or a feeling of mystery, excitement, a remoteness from everyday life. Jennifer:I like that. It's cool. Aaron:It doesn't have to be this big extravagant thing. How can you just make the moment with your spouse special? Jennifer:Special. Yeah. Aaron:Different. Take them away from that ordinary just for a moment. That could be a going on a walk. It could be bringing something home that's like, "Hey, I thought about you today." That's an excitement. You actually like that when I, like a simple thing, I call you up and I say, "Do you want an iced tea?" Jennifer:I love it. That's awesome. Aaron:You're like, "Oh," awesome because that's out of the ordinary. I'm not always grabbing an iced tea, but you felt thought of. Then you get a special treat out of it. It kind of breaks up the day. Jennifer:I do love that so much, and it makes me feel so good to feel thought of in a special way that you know me, that you know what I would like, and it just affirms my heart and my love, and makes me feel like you're thinking of me, which is good. It's good for us to recognize those times that our spouse goes out of the box. Aaron:Goes out of their way to ... Jennifer:Go out of their way to ... Aaron:To try these things. Try be more romantic and exciting and different. Jennifer:When they do it to affirm them and use your words and say, "I really appreciated that," or, "I really love that." The more we affirm each other in those ways of being that we want to see more of, they'll continue to happen. Aaron:Yeah. Jordan Peterson as a quote says, "Don't ever punish behavior you want repeated." Even if I don't follow through with or do something in the way that you might want, there's been times I've brought you iced tea that you don't like, because you have a taste for certain types of teas, but I didn't know that. Then I learned it. You could have taken the opportunity to punish me for and be like, "This is what you got me. I hate this." Jennifer:Oh, got you. Aaron:You could be like, "What? This was so thoughtful. Just for future, this isn't my favorite tea, but I'm so happy that you did that for me." Jennifer:I think that's what I did. Aaron:That's what you did. I thought, oh, thank you. I didn't know that, because I actually didn't. Now when I get you tea or do something, I think, oh, where would she like me to get tea? Jennifer:That's awesome. Aaron:It also has taught me to ask you for future, "Hey, where's your favorite place to get this?" Jennifer:It's like a get to know me. Don't be afraid to ask questions. Aaron:Don't punish those behaviors you want repeated, even if it doesn't happen the way you want, the way you expect, but affirm it and encourage it, so that it happens more from your spouse on both sides. Jennifer:I like that you kind of broke romance and physical intimacy into separate kind of categories here, because romance is so much more of that connectedness and ... Aaron:That emotional connection. Jennifer:It's so important. It's an important part of marriage, but so is physical intimacy. I think it's really important for us to remember that our spouses need us. It's weird that I put that in the plural, just ... Aaron:Our spouses. Jennifer:Our spouse needs us and we have needs. Being there for one another and being willing to make the effort and put our hearts and our minds toward that is ... Aaron:Oh, we're talking about the physical side now. Jennifer:Yeah, yeah. In the physical, just as much as the romance are connected side of things. Aaron:Yeah. I wanted to bring up on the physical side of things, because I know that this is a huge area of struggle in a lot of marriages. It was a huge one for us for many years. It's only been in the last handful of years that it's been getting so much better. We've been growing and getting excited about these things and praying about it more. First and foremost, it's a powerful gift. Physical intimacy, sex is a powerful gift from God given to husbands and wives. It really is.We have to change our minds about that. Talking about transformation, we need our minds changed for true transformation to happen. If we can change our mind that sex is a good thing, because I know many people see sex as a bad thing, or a hurtful thing, or something that they don't enjoy. Jennifer:Stressful thing. Aaron:Yeah. It can be all of those things. If we start reminding ourselves and thinking, no, this is a good thing. This is a gift, that'll change a lot of things. Also, it's a command. First Corinthians seven, three, the husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. On both sides, it doesn't just say the wife to her husband only, as if every situation is always, the husband needs it more than the wife, because that's not true. There's some situations where it's totally different with the wife and the husband, but it says to both.In other places, it says that her body is not her own. It is yours. Your body is not your own, it is hers. Just reiterating this, the power and the truth behind your oneness. You are one body and you cannot control it and use it and as a weapon. Not only is it a gift, but it's also a command. There's some actual really awesome benefits to sex.If you didn't know this, it helps relieve stress and anxiety. I know sex might gift some people anxiety, and I pray for you that you would, like we said, have a transformation in your mind about this. It does biologically relieve stress and anxiety. The hormones that get released in your body do that. Jennifer:It also helps your immune system. Aaron:It does. Those same hormones that help with relieving stress and anxiety helps boost your immune system. Also, when you have less cortisol in your body, that's the stress hormone, you get sick less because cortisol can actually make you, it weakens your immune system. It helps your immune system. It also brings pleasure and excitement. That's just such a good thing. Jennifer:Joy, yeah. Aaron:We need that in our marriage. We need that connection and that pleasure more. Most importantly, sex reinforces closeness and oneness. Jennifer:Yeah. Speaking of oneness, you brought up earlier, just briefly not using sex as a tool or a weapon, and then you kind of just kept on going. I just want to go back to that really quick. I think sometimes, we don't even realize when we are withholding our bodies from each other because of being easily offended, or thinking that they're not thinking of us. Aaron:Well, they haven't given me what I want yet. Jennifer:There is a list of things that could possibly motivate someone to kind of close themselves off and be guarded. When you say weaponize, and you say using your body as a tool, that's what you're talking about, right? Yeah. Aaron:If you use it in a negative way, it becomes a weapon. Jennifer:It also becomes a roadblock to moving forward, to experience reconciliation and connectedness. Aaron:This is not the kind of transformation we want when we do this, but when we are more free with each other and open with each other in this way. It's good. Now, that doesn't mean that there shouldn't be any times that you're like, "Hey, can we forego tonight?" Jennifer:Yeah. Aaron:Again, that goes back to the communication, and that goes back to goal setting together and also ... Jennifer:Considering one another. Aaron:Yeah, considering one another, treating each other as we'd like to be treated. Again, there's an order. Okay. Jennifer:What's next in your order, Aaron? Aaron:Invest in your marriage. Okay. I think this sounds obvious, but ... Jennifer:How much money do you have to ... Aaron:Exactly. Well, just having it's almost like if you were to invest in your education, invest in this business, taking one of the most important things in your entire life, and are we ... Jennifer:You're elevating it. Aaron:Are we investing in it? Jennifer:You're saying this is a priority. This is what I'm going to put my effort and my energy and my resources and everything I've got towards, because this matters. Aaron:Investment means I'm going to spend time and money and energy. I'm going to invest. When you invest in your marriage, you're going to get some of the greatest returns you can ever think of. Jennifer:Generational. Aaron:Yeah. You're going to get returns for a long time with your children, because they're going to look back on your marriage and be like, "Wow, my parents, they invested in each other. They loved each other. They weren't perfect, but man, they tried hard." Jennifer:Because of that kind of example, when they get married, they will have the same fortitude and excitement around investing in their marriage. Aaron:At least that's the goal, right? Jennifer:Yeah. Aaron:I want my kids to have the same desire. Jennifer:What are some ways we can invest? Aaron:Something we did a long time ago when we were going through some of our hardships, actually, wasn't it right at that end point of things changing for us? Jennifer:Yeah. Aaron:We went to a marriage retreat, and there's marriage retreats all over the country. Jennifer:We went to Family Lives Weekend to Remember ... Aaron:Which are awesome. Jennifer:It was actually really cool, because we kind of rededicated our marriage, and our purpose, and everything that we had been walking through just submitted it to God and said, "We're going to keep going." Aaron:You could try Weekend to Remember. That's a family life event. That's a good one. There might be one going on at your church and you don't even know about it. Just look at if you have a pamphlet or a website, or you can Google it. There's a lot of, we'd suggest a Christian marriage retreat, but marriage retreats, that's one really good way to invest in your marriage. What's another one? Jennifer:Reading books together or individually, and just kind of sifting through the notes. Aaron:Talking about them. Jennifer:Talking about them, but there are a lot of marriage books out there. Aaron:Yeah. Do we know any marriage books specifically? Jennifer:No, actually. Marriage After God is one that I would recommend. We have a couple of marriage books if you want to look on our store. Aaron:A few more than a couple, but ... Jennifer:Some devotionals, some prayer books that you guys could do together, which is awesome. Aaron:You can go to shop.marriageaftergod.com to look at everything we have to offer. Jennifer:There's a lot of other good books too, Meeting a Marriage, See Through Marriage, by [inaudible 00:41:35]. Aaron:Sacred Marriage was a really good one. Jennifer:By Gary Thomas. Aaron:Get into books. If you're like me, I like audiobooks. I can consume them quicker, I can also retain them better. Jennifer:I am not an audio person. I have to have the tangible, I can't even do digital. I have to have the book that I can curl the pages back. Aaron:I know. I love something to read too, but also this creates another thing to talk about and to share with each other in growing your marriage, so you're not just investing in what you're consuming, but also what you're discussing with each other. Gives you things to talk about also, which is really good. Regularly planned date nights. Jennifer:Or even double date nights. Go out with another couple, and you'll notice you guys can start talking about marriage. All of a sudden, you don't feel so alone in some of the things you're wrestling in, because ... Aaron:I think we've brought this up in 80 episodes, talking about date night. We say it so often because it's something that we dedicated it to several years ago, how many? Maybe five or six years ago? Jennifer:It was after we had Wyatt, Oliver Wyatt. Aaron:We realized there was a while that had gone by and we're like, "Man, when's the last time we went on a date with each other?" We just put it on the calendar every week, and we figure out a babysitter, and we planned it. Now, that didn't mean we went every week, but just the fact that it was on the calendar, again, the fact that we wrote it down, meant it happened way more often than it would've if we didn't.Investing in that way. Since this is under investing in your marriage, we've talked about in the past that it doesn't have to be something where you go out or spend money. I would say make this an intentional investment of I want to go do something special, even if it's not every time. Jennifer:Catch each other by surprise. Aaron:Yeah. Set a reservation at a restaurant you guys don't go to often. Go throw axes at your local ax throwing place if you have one. Jennifer:Get fast food and go do an activity like some, I don't know, ride bikes or something. Aaron:Invest in a way that's different than normal, if you can. Maybe you have to save for it a little bit, and that's okay. That actually makes it more special. Jennifer:Another way that you can invest in your marriage is find out if your church has a marriage group. Something that really, really affected our marriage in a positive way was the church. Aaron:Probably, I think we often attributed it to saving our marriage. Jennifer:Yeah. We were going to a church back in, I think this is our third year of marriage? We were in California, and they had a marriage group. You came to me and you were like, "Hey, we're going to go. It's on Wednesday night." Aaron:It was terrifying. Jennifer:You need to be there. You need to show up. That was a really dark time for me, and I was resistant toward going and didn't want to do it, but you encouraged us and said, "This is what we need to try." We showed up, and it was scary. There was a lot of people there. When we sat at the table and we started hearing the marriage stories coming up, it was actually really beautiful. Aaron:Yeah. Jennifer:Very eye-opening and it had a lot of purpose. You just got to do it. If your church has one, go for it. Aaron:If they don't have one ... Jennifer:Go find one. Aaron:... You should ask them to start one. Jennifer:Yeah. Aaron:You never know. There might be 20 other couples that have asked, and they'll finally be like, "Oh, we should start a marriage ministry." Jennifer:Number seven is, is this the last one? Aaron:This is the last one. Jennifer:See your spouse and yourself through Christ's eyes. I mentioned this in a previous episode, I think one or two back. It's really important that we are able to do this. The only way we can do it is if we know Christ. Aaron:Yeah. It also, again, this changes everything. Going back to what you talked about earlier also of what if there's a couple that aren't on the same page? Maybe one's not a believer. Maybe they're going through some really hard things and it's hard to connect. When we can look at our spouse through Christ and say, "Wow, okay, Lord," like we talked about, I think an episode or two ago about them having a brotherly love, a sisterly love, of seeing them in that way. Maybe it doesn't feel like they're my spouse right now because of this or that, because of this pain, because of that hurt.Man, I'm going to try and see them the way Christ does. I'm going to try and love them the way Christ loves them, and stop looking at them from an earthly fleshly point of view of all of the things that you did wrong. Jennifer:Critical. Aaron:All of the things that need to change. Jennifer:I feel like when you look through Christ's eyes, there's like this lens of grace that you could just see not who they are in their sin, but who they are because of the blood of Christ, and what he's done, and become a a new creation in him, and to hope for transformation in their life. Aaron:Yeah. Here's what it says in two Corinthians five 16 through 19. It says, "From now on, therefore we regard no one according to the flesh." This is essentially what we're talking about here. Let's stop regarding each other according to flesh, and let's start regarding each other according to the Spirit, according to what Christ did and who Christ is. Then it says, "Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away. Behold the new has come."All this is from God, who through Christ, reconciled us to himself, and gave us the ministry of reconciliation. That is, in Christ, God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Instead of seeing only the flesh, only the sin and the mistakes, and the shortcomings, and the frustrations, and the hurts, we see the one who Christ died for. We see the one Christ shed his blood for. We see the one Christ as reconciling to the Father through his life, death, and resurrection. Jennifer:In our, it's 16 years, right? Aaron:Yeah. Jennifer:16 years of marriage. Aaron:We just had that. Jennifer:There have been many times that we've had to intentionally see each other through Christ's eyes, because it's not something we tend to do on a daily basis, although we should, right? Aaron:Yeah. It's usually in those really hard times that we're like, ugh. Jennifer:Then everything just kind of falls flat on the floor and you're like, "Well, grace." That's what he is given to us. Aaron:In our testimony that you share in the Unbuild Wife book, that's essentially what happened. We were on the verge of just being done, calling it quits. I felt the Lord telling me, "Are you going to forgive your wife? Are you going to love her as I did?" He just reminded me of who he is.It made it impossible for me to, because I was either going to say, "No, I'm not going to look at her like that, and I'm over it," or I was going to say, "No, Lord, I love you and I'm going to try and see her that way." Jennifer:Yeah. Some of you listening right now, I just want to encourage you, you may be in a place where you need to pray and ask God to give you those eyes to see through Christ's lens. You might need to pray for that because ... Aaron:We have to. Jennifer:We have to. Aaron:I would say, because I can't do it without him. Jennifer:Yeah. We can't do it in our flesh. Yeah, all of us listening right now, we need to do that. Then I just wanted to ... we kind of summed up all the important stuff, right? Aaron:Yeah. Jennifer:I can move on. Aaron:You can. Jennifer:You guys know if you've been listening for a long time, I bring up memes from time to time, and I get stuck on social media in that way. I love those transformation videos where they show you the reel of pictures, where it's like, "This is who I was, but this is who I am." Aaron:Yeah, they're really powerful. Jennifer:A really huge weight change. That's what I'm thinking of right now is just like ... Aaron:Well, we've even seen ones of people that are being changed because of Christ, and they had how they were before, this party, and then all of a sudden, they're totally different. You're like, "Whoa." Jennifer:Yeah. The ones that I'm thinking of specifically are the weight ones and just how dramatic it is. They'll usually show bits and pieces of what it took to get there. Aaron:The progress. Jennifer:The progress, the working out. It just moves me, because I think you don't just get to be transformed. You have to be willing to put in the work. I just wanted to remind all of us that change can happen in us, like you mentioned earlier, through being passive and allowing influences in our life that change us, but we're not going to say that's for the positive. Aaron:Rarely. Jennifer:Rarely it is. Aaron:Accidentally change for the positive. Jennifer:Yeah. The powerful transformation that we are all eager to see in our lives and in our marriages comes from putting in the time, putting in the work, putting in the energy. It's being selfless, it's being sacrificial. It requires much, just like someone going through a weight loss journey and having to do muscle toning. You know that they did everything that they possibly could to get there. Aaron:Yeah. Well, the Lord puts it this way. We got to put to death our flesh. That's essentially what this process is putting behind us our flesh, and designing to walk in his spirit. The things that we brought up in this episode were hopefully just some practical things, but some things that we can actually do and try to do. We hope you enjoyed those. This is the last episode of this month. Jennifer:The last week of the month, where we're talking about this specific growth spurt. Is that what you're going to say? Aaron:Yes. Jennifer:This section of the podcast, we want to encourage you guys to take time to invest, like Aaron mentioned earlier ... Aaron:Write down. Jennifer:... In a personal way. Basically, this one covers everything. No. The goal here is to build trust with your spouse by doing what you say you will. Whatever commitments you've made, we want you to stick to them so that this is our encouragement. The way that we are encouraging that is by taking a post-it note, or a sheet of paper, or a three by five card, and just start with one.If you have more on there, that's great, but you still got a week left to do this. If you want to keep doing this past January, keep doing it. It's just one way that you can experience a maturity and transformation in your marriage. Aaron:Mine is, like I said ... Jennifer:Oh, yeah, we were going to talk about it. Aaron:... Mine's supposed to be in bed by nine. Jennifer:Look, the effort was there, and I just want to let it ... Aaron:It was on the refrigerator, and I even mentioned because we thought this was only going to take us 30 minutes to record. We're wrong. It's 10:19, and so I'm going to forgive myself today, and I'm going to try and be in bed by nine tomorrow. Jennifer:You've been doing great. I put on mine affirm the kids, and it's because as a mom and homeschooling, they're in the home all the time. They're with me all the time. I do a lot of correction and critique, and helping them in their life. Aaron:Yeah, mature. Jennifer:Figuring what mature and what's right and stuff. I just wanted to make sure that I was affirming them. It's like, I don't know. I don't know how things have been, so I just wanted to make sure that I was doing that. I put on mine, affirm the kids, and so I've been doing that. It's actually been really beautiful. I love seeing their eyes light up. It just feels good. Aaron:All right. I'm going to pray. Dear Lord, thank you for the change we have already experienced in marriage. We pray we would continue to see positive transformation on our relationship. We pray for more love, more peace, and more joy. Please help us to be intentional in the way we choose to interact in marriage every day. Holy Spirit, we ask you to help us to not be easily offended by each other. Show us areas of our marriage we can invest in and put the time and energy into making what we have even better.Please help us to see each other as you see us, and help us to hope for the change we desire to see. Thank you for our marriage, and thank you for the opportunities you've given us to make changes in our lives. We pray our marriages continue to mature and that it honors you. In Jesus' name, amen.     Connect With UsInstagram | @marriageaftergodInstagram | @unveiledwifeInstagram | @husbandrevolutionCheck out our marriage resources!SponsorsGet our new book The Marriage Gift - 365 prayers for your marriage!

This episode is brought to you by our faithful patron team, who have chosen to help financially support this show monthly. Here is a shout-out to some of our most recent patrons. Deborah SWhitney SValerie BWe thank you so much for partnering with us in blessing 10’s of thousands of couples with free daily prayer emails and this weekly podcast.If you have been blessed by free marriage after god content, we'd love to invite you to join our patron team. Also, if you choose to sign up at $20/month you can get a $50 gift card to our online store to purchase any of our books and resources. Please visit marriageaftergod.com/patronHow often have you had the intention to do something or change in some way, but in the end you don’t follow through? Whether it is a promise you have made to another, or even to yourself, words have power. And when we use our words to make commitments, we should take them seriously. Oftentimes we find it easy to make promises with our words but have no intention of following through, or find it difficult to keep that promise. Now, our vows may not always take the form of the words “I promise I will…” but instead may sound like “I’ll be there at 10,” or “I’ll pray for you,” Or “I am going to get up at 6 am and read my bible every day.” Many times, this leads to discrepancies between what we say and what we actually do. Scripture informs us to take care with our words and warns against taking oaths. James 5:12 But above all, my brothers, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or by any other oath, but let your "yes" be yes and your "no" be no, so that you may not fall under condemnation. Matthew 5:37  Let what you say be simply 'Yes' or 'No'; anything more than this comes from evil. Sometimes we may think our words are strong enough to get ourselves to do something, or we might even have the intention of following through, but our lives have become so chaotic that our capability to follow through is void. Other times, we might desire to look good in that specific moment, but have no real intention of following through. It is important that we evaluate ourselves honestly in these instances and consider our intentions and how our words impact others. As Proverbs 18:21 says, Death and life are in the power of the tongue. When we are careless with our words, and make promises and commitments we do not have the capacity to follow through with, we often end up hurting those around us. Rather than attempting to please people in the moment, we should be prepared with practical things to say or do instead. For example, telling someone you cannot give an answer in the moment, that you need time to think about it, or even simply telling that person no is necessary because saying nothing is better than not keeping your word. Consider the instruction given in Ecclesiastes 5:4: When you vow a vow to God, do not delay paying it, for he has no pleasure in fools. Pay what you vow. 5 It is better that you should not vow than that you should vow and not pay. And in Ecclesiastes 5:2 Be not rash with your mouth, nor let your heart be hasty to utter a word before God, for God is in heaven and you are on earth. Therefore let your words be few. As followers of Christ, we must value our integrity and carry ourselves differently than the rest of the world. Our words should carry weight and truth, instead of serving to reinforce falsehoods about ourselves such as the lie that we can’t change. Ultimately, we may never be completely in control of our tongues, but we serve a God who never goes back on His promises. We can trust in His word, and His promises and what He has said. We can ask him to teach us. We can practice following through, perhaps even having consequences for our failure. We can practice saying “yes” or “no” instead of “maybe” or something else. We can remember although we are not perfect, we follow the one who is, and we can be a light to the world by staying true to our word.  The foundation of a disciplined life is integrity and doing what we say we're going to do. — Rory Vaden Success comes from what you do, not from what you say you are going to do. — Larry Winget Do what you say you're going to do! People can do nothing but respect that. — Steve Harvey Dear Lord, Thank you for today. Thank you for speaking to us about the importance of sticking to our word. We desire to have integrity and we desire to be trustworthy. Please help us walk in righteousness, to do the things we say we are going to do, to love others by sticking to commitments made. We ask You to transform this part of us. Give us eyes to truly see how our inconsistencies, our discrepancies, and our failure to do what we say hurts people, especially our spouse. We pray we would be a light wherever we go and honor you by doing what we say we are going to do. In Jesus’ name AMEN! TRANSCRIPTAaron:Hi, and welcome to Marriage After God. We're your host, Erin and Jennifer Smith. Being tongue-tied or twisted is one thing, but what happens when we intentionally use our tongue to cut deeply, to persuade for our benefit or to serve up half truths and blatant lies? In this episode, we are putting the spotlight on our tongues and considering the way we use our words.   Jennifer:Today's episode is brought to you by our faithful patron team who have chosen to help financially support this show monthly. We try not to do ads, we don't have any ads and so we're trying to keep this show ad free. And one of the ways we do that is by people like our patrons who support us monthly financially.   Aaron:Another interesting thing that we'd love to do is highlight some of those patrons. So this week we are giving a shout out to Debra S, Whitney s and Valerie. B. Thank you guys so much for partnering with us and blessing tens of thousands of couples with free daily prayer emails and this weekly podcast.   Jennifer:If you've been blessed by the free marriage after God content that we create we'd love to invite you to join our patron team.   Aaron:Also, if you choose to sign up at $20 a month, you can get a $50 gift card to our online store. To purchase any one of our books and resources at your first renewal date,   Jennifer:Please visit marriage after god.com/patron, P A T R O N.   Aaron:All right, so everybody, even the listeners think right now cause we're in the first of the year, January still. What's something you're doing today excited about or something that's just new that you weren't doing this time last year or you didn't have this time last year?   Jennifer:Ours would be chickens, . Lots of chickens.   Aaron:Chickens.   Jennifer:We got 20 chickens. We talked about it a couple episodes. It's not a couple few episodes ago but with the price of eggs around the country right   Aaron:Now, it finally makes sense. Yeah.   Jennifer:Now it's like, yeah, this is a golden goose where we have these chickens laying golden eggs. Hold   Aaron:On. I have to say this. I have mentioned in the past that I find enjoyment in memes and those pictures with the writing on it. Mm-hmm. That tell jokes. I just, I'm a jokester. And so when we got these chickens, I was like, man, I really need to learn more about chickens. And so I went on Facebook and added all these chicken groups like Lo, some are local, some are not.   Jennifer:Oh, that's   Aaron:Funny. But because the price of eggs have gone up, everybody's posting these chicken memes and they're so funny.   Jennifer:Are they also posting eggs for like $20 a dozen?   Aaron:Oh, it's crazy.   Jennifer:But what's really cool is not only that we're getting eggs, they're not free. So I don't want anyone to think they're free because we still have to pay for the food and all the things. But I was going   Aaron:To say, we're putting in the work.   Jennifer:We're putting in the work, but we're getting lots of eggs. And what's awesome is we can share 'em with our friends and family. And so that's been pretty cool. And also it's been really neat to see the kids take on that responsibility.   Aaron:Even in the cold   Jennifer:They go and it's been cold. It's cold. So they go out, they feed 'em, they go out and olive of us always out there just holding the chickens. And we look out the window and she's just in the coop walking around with one of the chickens on her head. It's so funny and so cute. But with   Aaron:It being cold, I remember one time it was so early in the morning, maybe seven, and I could see her waving through the sliding glass door. She's over at the chicken run where she needs to get in to feed them. And she's waving her arms and I open the cider. It's like, oh what? What's up olive? And she goes, the lock is frozen shut.   Jennifer:Yeah, it does get frozen shut. Cause it's moisture on it and then it doesn't move. And they have to, I watch her, she watch takes 10 minutes to get the thing broken open,   Aaron:But they don't complain. And I really, it's really cool to see them grow up and it's going to be, take   Jennifer:Ownership everyone. It's worth it now. Cause we got all sorts of eggs. We, we've been trying to find ways of using the eggs because we have so many of 'em, but   Aaron:Lots of Dutch babies   Jennifer:And I just did some hard boiled eggs. And those are, Wyatt loves hard boiled   Aaron:Eggs. Something I do for You're not in a hurry. I hate to keep going. No,   Jennifer:Keep going. On eggs. Speaking of eggs, chickens   Aaron:And eggs. I was just going to bring up how bad of a baker I am. Not really, but I am just I'm You're good Baker. Hit or miss. Okay.   Jennifer:But well, baking is a science   Aaron:This year. Something I added to our homeschool curriculum is around the world tea. And we've invited our friends families over to do these tea parties in different cities around the world. And we have friends in our living   Jennifer:Room.   Aaron:It's just, yeah, we set up all the kids, set up the chairs so that it's like we're going on an airplane and I have passports for all the kids. It's really cute. But our friends, some of the friends have lineage in some of these cities around the world. And so our friends, Stan and Jessica, hi guys,   Jennifer:You guys get mentioned the most. Yeah. What're saying   Aaron:Have ties and lineage to Russia and we are going to go to Moscow. So we invited them and their kids over to do this. And I was like, okay, I'm going to go Google. What are some Russian teacakes or cookies or treats? And there's these things called, I'm going to not say the name, but it's called a Zuki   Jennifer:Suki   Aaron:Or something like that. Something like that. And it's, it looks like a bagel, but they're looks like a little smaller round kind of harder cracker thing's on the sweeter side. And I tried making them, and they're going to be here in an hour and a half, and I'm trying to roll out this dough and I've got it stuck to my hands. It's   Jennifer:Not working the way you expected it to. It's like sticky. Instead of it being like doughy.   Aaron:Oh my goodness. It was a mess. I was a wreck. And I'm like, Aaron, help. But   Jennifer:Although they didn't come out pretty, they tasted really good.   Aaron:The kids did like them. And I was bringing that up because I quite a few of them, I used eggs for it and it required an egg wash. And so we are trying to use the eggs, but I need better recipes. Just kidding. I need to be good in the   Jennifer:Kitchen. Bread, brownies, cookies. I'm just giving you ideas here. Okay, got it. Egg soup. So in episode one of this season, we talked about this word for the year, discrepancy.   Aaron:Oh, I didn't want to talk about that again. I   Jennifer:Know how there's a difference between who we want to be or should be and who we actually are.   Aaron:The reason I said that is because I'm personally working on working through this Well,   Jennifer:And we are together. It's   Aaron:A lot.   Jennifer:You got your own little journey   Aaron:Going on. I'm noticing it a lot. Yeah.   Jennifer:Where are you noticing it the most?   Aaron:That's   Jennifer:Discrepancy   Aaron:Currently with the kids and the way that I parent, which is not good. Just when I say one thing and then if they ask me again and again, I, I'll break down and give in and   Jennifer:They've just pegged you is what it is. They get me figured it out.   Aaron:And another one is a very specific one is coffee. And okay, what does that mean?   Jennifer:Explain the   Aaron:Coffee. I know it's so personal. I just don't feel great when I drink it, but there's this kind of craving I get for it. And so I end up   Jennifer:Telling no coffee, drinker listening, understands what you're talking about.   Aaron:I end up saying in my head or saying out loud to you, yeah, I'm not going to drink coffee for a while and the next morning I'm drinking coffee. makes no   Jennifer:Sense. What? No, you yeah. Say, I'm not going to drink coffee anymore because I don't feel good. And then the very next day, you're I here and I'm like, you just tell me she's not going to drink coffee   Aaron:Anymore. But here's the difference because we brought up this, that episode and because I'm working on this personally, I decided to start taking notes. And so I have a little in notes on your phone, I decided to make a note and I'm going to peek at that. I'm keeping track of all the times that it hits me and I'm like, oh, there's one. There's a discrepancy. So   Jennifer:The point is, the overarching theme often in our discrepancies is in our words. Like you said, I'm not going to, yeah.   Aaron:And then you do, because I did. I say one thing and I do the opposite.   Jennifer:So it comes in this form of we say something, our words have meaning and power, but we often find it easy to make a promise to say with our mouth, our words, but have no intention to follow through or find out. It's hard to keep that promise, to keep that word. Like you said, I'm not going to drink coffee anymore, but the next day when you are tired and you want the taste of the espresso, and so at that point you're confronted with your words. You're like, well, do I mean what I say? No, not this time.   Aaron:And these are things that we say or promises or commitments that we're saying to our spouse, kids, friends, maybe even more often than all of them is ourselves.   Jennifer:These words that we say that we aren't going to follow through or through with. Often it doesn't come in the form of, I promise I will. It's actually rarely that   Aaron:A declaration,   Jennifer:I mean in the beginning of the year we do resolutions. This is a form of that. Yeah, I'm going to be this year going to, but usually it sounds more like I'll be there in 10 minutes or I'll be leaving in five minutes, or I'll pray for you, or I'm going to stop drinking coffee, whatever. I'm going to get up 6:00 AM I'm going to read the Bible every day. I'll stop saying that, that we, there's things that we say,   Aaron:I added this one. I I'm going to avoid gluten   Jennifer:Because you're supposed to. Yeah not right now, but later. So what I'm saying is that I'll be there in 10 minutes, but it really, it's going to be 25 minutes   Aaron:Or longer.   Jennifer:So it's not always in the form of promise. We say things that we either can't or won't follow through on,   Aaron:Or maybe we are just not thinking it's not that big of a deal because I was joking when I said I put the one, I'm going to avoid gluten, even though I do know it's a big deal, I tell myself it's not that big of a   Jennifer:Deal. Yeah, I know this just once. What's this once?   Aaron:Or, I've been doing really good so it's fine.   Jennifer:Or I'll be home in like I said in a few minutes. But really it's longer than that. What happens every time we do that is it's just adding another little like, oh, that wasn't truth. That's not what you said. Everyone listenings, they have a list of these. They're like, oh, I, there's that thing that bothers me when they say one thing, they say this and then this is what happens. And it's a pattern. Before we move on to getting into this even deeper, I just wanted to ask, if you're loving these episodes, would you leave a review if you haven't done it yet? If you have left a review? We're so thankful for every single review that our listeners leave, we love reading them. And every time someone leaves a review, it helps boost the rankings for our podcast so more people can find it.   Aaron:So how often do we say we are going to do something or change in some way? But the moment we have that opportunity to follow through with it, we choose not to,   Jennifer:I think a lot   Aaron:More than we recognize. I mean, I'm only recognizing it because I'm keeping notes in my phone   Jennifer:And you're recognizing like, oh, this happened 12 times today. Not the one time that I was thinking of.   Aaron:I was talking with a girlfriend of mine recently and we were talking about parenting and how challenging it can be at times. And I was encouraging her that in those moments when our kids tell a lie or do something, they're not supposed to talk back or whatever. The thing is that they are tests that we get to as parents grade and correct. And we get to guide them toward the standard of character that we desire for them. But that's also mentioned in the Bible, and   Jennifer:You're raising that in that admonition of the Lord, the training.   Aaron:I was just telling her, these things are going to come. It doesn't mean your child's going to be a liar or someone who constantly steals. These are things that in the flesh we're tempted by. And as parents, we get the opportunity to guide them. And this is why we show them the way.   Jennifer:This is why we should have self-control.   Aaron:Right. But they're tests, and as I'm explaining this, I'm realizing even as an adult, like,   Jennifer:Oh, your opportunities,   Aaron:We still have opportunities that were being tested and the Lord's grading and correcting us. So I just thought that was   Jennifer:Yeah, well, it's had   Aaron:To do with what we're talking   Jennifer:About. Well, and it does because we say something, and often in scriptures, someone would vow something and then they would immediately be tested to see if they're going to follow through. Sometimes they had horrible consequences. And you can go read in the Old Testament some of these stories but this idea that God wants to know if we're going to be faithful to our words, but also knows that sometimes we can't. And that's something I wanted to encourage us later on in this, but   Aaron:Well before we get there, what are some examples from our own life? Is there anything specific that maybe   Jennifer:Yeah, I mean, you brought up your coffee. That's one that's, it's a small one, but it's a real one. It's something in the gluten, the gluten. For me lately, my kids have been wanting to go work out in the garage with us. So we have our gym out there and they ask, can we go work out? Can we, they want to go in the treadmill and they want want to do my row machine. And   Aaron:It's fu real quick. It's funny seeing their mentality shift from, they know they're growing up and now they want to do grown kids older things   Jennifer:And be part well and they want more time and they want to do what we do. And often they have more of a desire to go to the gym than I was going to say. This is a two-part example because being constant at out and haven't been at all. So I, I'm like, I'm going to be consistent and I'm not consistent. So my kids are more desiring and more consistent in wanting to work out than I am, which I think is funny. But they ask us, can you wake us up so we can go work out with you? And I'll tell them yes and then not follow through with it. And so there's times that they're like, I told them tomorrow morning and then things come up. So it's not that I just   Aaron:Work through that on here so that our listeners can hear. What are some of the reasons why you wouldn't wake them up?   Jennifer:Well, either I to didn't realize, but I had to leave early so I couldn't wake him up or I slept in myself because I was tired and so I didn't wake 'em up. Or   Aaron:We had a late night the night before and you think their sleep is more important.   Jennifer:And so I don't go wake them up. But I've been trying to, if I said I was going to do it, then the other day you're like, why don't you just go out right now? And it was like before bed. And I was like, okay. And we went out there for 35 minutes and we worked out as a family. It was really cool. So I'm trying, but those are things like another one Wyatt will say, will you snuggle me? And I will say maybe, or I don't or no, or not tonight or tomorrow, or I'll say tomorrow and then I don't follow through. So I'm trying to follow through on my words,   Aaron:Which I have seen. I know you're using these as examples for this episode, but I have seen you growing in this already making strides to make sure that you're following through with your word with them and it is fruitful. And I just wanted to affirm you in that. Thank you. I'm proud of you   Jennifer:And you have been trying to follow through on your words and I've been seeing it. And so I want to affirm you. Thank you. Now our listen is it's your turn to turn to   Aaron:Your spouse, spouse, spouse,   Jennifer:. You should maybe okay, let me read some scripture. James five. Wait,   Aaron:At minimum just shoot 'em a text.   Jennifer:Oh, that's easy. That's good.   Aaron:That's right now, yeah. Go pause this Kek resume.   Jennifer:All right, we're back. So James five 12, but above all my brothers do not swear either by heaven or by earth or by any other oath. But let your yes, be yes and your no be no. So that you may not be found under condemnation   Aaron:So that you may not fall under   Jennifer:Oh. So that you may not fall under condemnation. Thank you. And then Jesus, I mean Jesus said this first by the way, and then James repeats it in a different way in James chapter five. But in Matthew chapter five coincidentally, which I don't think this coincidences, but Jesus says, let what you say be simply yes or no. Anything more than this comes from evil.   Aaron:Do explain.   Jennifer:Well, I think God wants us and Jesus wants us to just people of our word. So we don't need to add anything to it. We don't need to proclaim anything to give more power or weight to our words. We just should. What gives the power to our words is that we follow through with them. So if you say yes, let it be a yes. If you say no, let it be a no. Mm-hmm. So for you no to coffee, is it really a no? Well, no. It's not a no. It's a sometimes and it's a when you change and it's a, yeah. So you're no is not a no at all. It's something else. And he's in both scenarios. One has fall under condemnation. The other one says comes from evil that we're with our words. And so I want to discuss why might we give our word or make a promise or a vow and then not follow through with it? Because there are reasons. Why would we even say it in the first place? And then what would make us not want to do it in the second place?   Jennifer:And I just wanted to point out one thing. I think that when we proclaim something, we make a vow, we make a promise, we think that somehow that makes the words strong enough on their own that it'll all of a sudden happens, make us do the thing. Yeah, I'm going to stop, go into the fast food restaurant. We make that proclamation, I'm going to stop that. We say it out loud and we say it to people, oh yeah, I'm, I'm going to stop eating fast food. I promise when we even add stuff like that or I'm making a resolution, we think in some way that those words in their own are going to have some power to help change something inside of us because we know that it is hard for us to not go get fast food. So I think maybe also sometimes we have no intention of following through with what we say.   Aaron:More so we say it so that others can hear and be satisfied in some way of hearing it from us or what   Jennifer:You mean. Yeah, maybe in a way. So going back to that idea of I'll be home in 10 minutes, you call me, Hey, where are you at? Oh, I'm just leaving the store. Maybe I'm not just leaving the store and I'm trying to show you that I'm going to be on home quick because you want me home. And so I'm like, oh, 10 minutes. Because then in that moment I appease your urgency of where are you at? You've been gone for a while. So I can have that moment of like, okay, cool. I'm now released from that. Not realizing that there's going to be this consequence when I get home of you wondering like, Hey, you said 10 minutes, but it's been 35 minutes. What's going on? I'm like, well, and then I just figure I'll at that point give you a reason rather than saying, Hey, I'm probably going to be a little bit longer than you want. So I think we say things that we don't follow through with for that reason. Also to try and just appease someone or cover up or make ourselves look a certain way. Yeah. In front of someone.   Aaron:I think another reason would be that we actually do have full intentions to do what we say we're going to do, but because of our choices, our life is so out of order that you actually can't fulfill those commitments.   Jennifer:So a good example,   Aaron:It just feels like chaos.   Jennifer:A good example for me, I want to get up early and that actually is a desire of mine to get up early. But then I don't choose to go to bed early.   Aaron:You don't set yourself up to make that thing happen   Jennifer:To win. Yeah. I don't align the stars to make sure that I can get up in the morning,   Aaron:Which matters. If you are going to commit to something, it's kind of counting the cost. You're like, you're evaluating to say, okay, in order for this thing to happen, all these other things need to happen in order for it to be true,   Jennifer:To follow through with. So we haven't set up our life to make sure that we can follow through with certain things. I think another reason, this is a more devious one, and it comes from probably wrong hearts, not probably it is wrong hearts saying you're going to do one thing and then intentionally not following through with it, knowing that it was going to hurt the person because you're frustrated or hurt or angry and that it's a sort of vengeance. I'm not going to follow through with the thing I said because I don't think you deserve me following through with the thing I said. Mm-hmm. Or I don't feel like it now because you did this to me or said this to me,   Aaron:Or you don't need me to, don't require of me. I can see I'm just kind of playing into this kind of issue of what's really at the root with that way of thinking. And I was going to add another one is just forgetting that you even committed to something in the first place.   Jennifer:Now giving it enough importance in front of you to say, oh, I'm going to make that a thing that I think about. The challenge that we've been giving is of writing down things that we want to be committed to making it real. And on paper, this is something that's actually has been really powerful for you. When you write a list of to-dos, like, I'm going to do this today and I'm going to do this today, I'm going to do this today. I don't think I've ever seen you not complete a list.   Aaron:It's like a challenge or a competition   Jennifer:One. But it's really powerful . So you could get up and you're like, today I'd like to this and I'd like to that and and then you maybe do one or two things and then by the end of the day you're like, I didn't do anything that I wanted to do. But when you sit down, you write it down, man, you crush it. And I've encouraged you in the past to,   Aaron:I know. I feel like I forgot this about myself. I need to,   Jennifer:I think you should. And you do. When you write down a list, it gets done every single time,   Aaron:I think. Okay. So that was our list. Sorry, we got off tangent a little bit. That was our list of why we do these things. But I think we think it's important that we do an honest evaluation of ourselves, our lives, and to ask God to reveal to us if there's any of this that we just listed any, even just announce in our hearts,   Jennifer:We should always be spiritually evaluating, asking God to search us. So what are some practical, I'm not saying this, what are some practical things to practice in, practical things to practice? What are some practical things to practice instead of saying something that you will not do? So are,   Aaron:I'm so confused right now.   Jennifer:I know this is what's a practical solution to this. Hey, what   Aaron:Can you do instead?   Jennifer:How can we practice being better at not doing what we say we're going to do?   Aaron:So when Wyatt comes to you and he is like, dad, will you cuddle me before bed? You just say, I can't right now.   Jennifer:Yeah, I know. Well, that's the point is saying gi giving an answer or saying you can't give an answer. So hey, I can't give you an answer right now because I don't know what the day looks like,   Aaron:But I'll think about it, which is, or I need time to think about   Jennifer:It as long as I intend to think about it and figure it out.   Aaron:But don't say you're going to think about it and then don't think about it.   Jennifer:Exactly. And then see saying you need time to think about it. Not doing it but letting him know, Hey, I need time to think about it. So would you be patient with me? Yeah. And so what that does is lets them know that it's not a yes and it's not a no, but it's also not a maybe. It's like I don't know what to answer you right now. So I'm going to tell you I don't know what to answer you right now. Another tactic is just say no. Why'd   Aaron:You laugh?   Jennifer:Because well, it's simple. It's like, hey, let's just give an answer.   Aaron:Do you think that there's some people who   Jennifer:Just, that don't hearing? No,   Aaron:Not well. Okay. I can raise my hand for both here. I was going to say that they don't like being someone who says no. They don't want to make that boundary   Jennifer:A yes person.   Aaron:Maybe they don't realize they're a yes person, but they absolutely don't like the contention that comes with No.   Jennifer:Well, yeah, because there's going to be like that. Why don't you want to, why? Yeah.   Aaron:I have a hard time saying no.   Jennifer:Right. And we know people in our life that do this because going back to what we talked about earlier, one of the reasons someone might do them is because they want to look a certain way. So like, oh, I want this person to believe that I'm there for them.   Aaron:Hey, you can't call me out in front of everyone   Jennifer:Right now. I'm not saying that for you.   Aaron:No, but it's true.   Jennifer:You want someone to believe you there for them, but you have no, but don't, not that you don't have intention to, but you aren't really there for them. You want them to think they are that you are. So just saying yes or just saying no and then making that what you mean. Yeah. Over time, we're talking about this month about building trust and about being the kind of people that do what we say is big. So being confident. I don't like continuing to use the story about what true Wyatt wanting me to cuddle in. But with anything, if it's your boss, if it's your spouse, there's going to be times, Hey hun, can we do this thing? No. And here's why. Or yes, and let's make a plan. And just being confident in those things rather than, yeah, I'm sure that someone can figure out, but really I'm just trying to push it off. Cause I don't want to give an answer and I'm overwhelmed by the prospect of that thing that you want to do. Now it'd be better to give the answer. Or again, going back to, Hey, I don't know what answer to give you now. Can we look at details on this? And actually follow through with figuring out what the answer is.   Aaron:A, after looking at or hearing us talk about this, I just realized that I totally don't like saying no. And I've known this about myself for a while, but because of that, I'll stress myself out week to week because I commitments   Jennifer:Placate and commits.   Aaron:So what we talked about earlier about you're not making commitments happening because of chaos in your life, or you're not committing to your word because mm-hmm. Of chaos. Chaos. That's me an order. I'm older. It's like now everything's backed up and there's this traffic jam because I've not said no to anything, but there's periods of my life where I feel like there's balance. And then other times when I'm like,   Jennifer:Well, and I, we meet with the guys from our church on Wednesday mornings and we're going through the book of Ecclesiastes, and the next verse I'm going to bring up in a second is from Ecclesiastes chapter five. And that whole chapter's about our words and saying what we're saying one thing and doing another and actually following through with our words. And it was so interesting. We had a big long conversation this morning about this very topic, and it was just so good hearing everyone's different opinions and perspectives on it. But one thing that I brought up, and I have it here, is don't give an answer. Maybe saying nothing is better than not keeping your word.   Aaron:So are you just saying stare blankly at them?   Jennifer:No. It goes back to that not giving an answer right away. But maybe you just, you're not going to commit to the thing like, well, I don't know. I literally don't know. I don't know if I could do that. I dunno if I could follow through with it. And I get this from Ecclesiastes five, four through five. It says, when you vow vow God, do not delay pen it where he has no pleasure in fools. Pay what you vow. It is better that you should not vow that than that. You should vow and not pay. There's society. He is like, don't make the vow. Don't say you're going to do that thing. Say you can go help when you can't help. It'd be better. Just be like, I can't. And then say it and then not follow through. There's another story in the New Testament that Jesus gives about two sons. One goes, the father goes to one and says, Hey, go work. And he says, sure. And then walks away and doesn't go work. Oh yeah. And then he goes, the other son, son. He goes, no, I don't want to work. But then later on changes his mind, he goes and works.   Aaron:I was paraphrased a bit,   Jennifer:But the point is, the one son that said he doesn't want to work, you could be like, well, how mean of him? Actually, that was much more honorable, honest and honest. He was honest. He's like, I don't want to go work. And then the Lord changed his heart and he is like, actually, I can go and I'm going to go and I don't want to make my dad proud rather than saying I'm going to go do it, and then I'm not doing it out. So disrespectful. And God cares about this stuff. He cares that we mean what we say. It's a, it's as a part of his CH church being his people   Aaron:And reflecting him. He means what He says.   Jennifer:Well just look at the Bible. Do you think God loves words? Yeah. Mean the Bible literally says that the word was with God and is God,   Aaron:And that he created everything by his word   Jennifer:Words. In the beginning, God created the heavens of the earth with his words. God said, let there be light. There's light power. So he cares about words. He cares about our words. He wants us to be faithful with the things that we say. And like I said, there's another verse in Proverbs that says that a person that remains silent will be seen as wise   Aaron:Real quick as this idea of ref reflecting God. And in another part of the New Testament, we're called ambassadors. And just being on mission to, or knowing that we are sharing the gospel in this world, in order to share the gospel with someone and for them to believe what our words to be true, we have to be trustworthy and we have to be honest, and we have to have integrity. You think? Yeah. Well,   Jennifer:If you think about it, one of the biggest things that people that have walked away from God, they look at the church and say like, oh, the church is full of hypocrites. Hypocrites. What that means, what hypocrite means is say one thing, do another. Like, oh, you say you sh, you're holy, but you're not holy. Another verse in Ecclesiastes, a couple verse before it says NFI in chapter five, verse two, be not rash with your mouth, nor let your heart be hasty to utter a word before God. For God is in heaven and you are on earth. Therefore, let your words be few. One of the discussions we had today was in that verses four through five, it says he has no pleasure in fools. And in other translations it says the sacrifice of fools. And we were talking about the sacrifice of fools is our words when they have no meaning or power. Mm-hmm. Like we come before God and we come before our family and we come before our friends and we say something and it is nothing.   Aaron:When you say, I'll pray for you, and you walk away and you haven't prayed for them and you don't pray for them.   Jennifer:It's a sacrifice of fools is what the Bible calls it. God calls it that you're offering this sacrifice that has no value. You're offering this thing, it's just words. And he's talking about that with vows. You're making it vow God and you're not even following through that. That's a sacrifice of fools. So I think God cares quite a bit about us being people of our word, because in reality we need to be people of his word. So I want to just point out the fruit of this. When we, well practice saying things that we don't mean saying things that we don't follow through with. There's a fruit that comes from this. What it happens is we reinforce in ourselves a falsehood of ourselves. So I say with my mouth, I'm, I'm going to be this way. I'm going to read more. And then I intentionally don't read more. I go, or I'm going to like you. I'm not going to drink coffee anymore. And then you go make that coffee every time you make that coffee after you said, I'm not going to drink coffee anymore. Cause I don't want to drink coffee anymore. Going back to that word discrepancy. Yeah. You're reaffirming and reinforcing a f a false falsehood.   Aaron:And explain why that is dangerous.   Jennifer:Well, spiritually, I think the danger could be if our words that come out of our mouths don't have any power, don't have any meaning, don't wait, they don't have any weight. We don't follow through, we don't keep it. It doesn't mean anything. I think the danger is could we end up in the same place with God's word or with his spirit? When it convicts us, do we hear it and be like, well, that's not who I am. Or I can't be that. I can't fulfill that. I can't. Or is   Aaron:It easier just when that conviction comes to push it away, push it off to the side, make it not important, justify it, all the reasons that we listed earlier.   Jennifer:I think it's something we should consider for sure.   Aaron:I think there's also danger in the way that we view ourselves in just once there is that discrepancy of, okay, now I said one thing and did another. And you start seeing the consequences of that, whether you affect someone else or just yourself.   Jennifer:What are some things that you've heard   Aaron:In your own? In my own self? Yeah. Yeah. Things like I'm a failure. I'm flaky. I can't follow through with anything.   Jennifer:Just   Aaron:Can't. That negative things that   Jennifer:I've heard is I can't change. Yeah. This is too too hard. Cause I want to be the, I can't do it. Which again, reinforces not the truth. We just read in the last episode from, I think it's second Peter, that we have everything in Christ to be what Christ desires us to be. And now that doesn't mean it's easy, doesn't mean it just happens overnight, but we are capable. So   Aaron:Real quick, because I briefly brought it up just now, but consequences when, especially because we're a marriage podcast, so we need to talk about this. When I make a commitment to you and I don't follow through with it, what does that do to our relationship? What does that do to how you view me and   Jennifer:Well, at the top level, some of those things that you mentioned, how you feel about yourself, I feel. Mm-hmm. Like, oh, you don't ever follow through with what you say. You always say you're going to do this and then you never do it. Those are things that I think, and you've thought the same things about me.   Aaron:For me, big, the red alarm, the red blaring alarm would be I can't trust you or there's no integrity. The trust is broken.   Jennifer:Yeah. What else are you lying about?   Aaron:Yeah. So yeah, those are just a couple of things that we're just pointing out because if we're doing a self-evaluation, if anything we're saying today is becoming a catalyst in your guys' lives, to at least just consider this, I think it's worth saying. Mm-hmm. Right?   Jennifer:I mean, perfectly asking, Lord, oh man, what's going on with my mouth? Yeah. Something I want to end with after a heavy episode of trying to evaluate all of the things we say is have grace with yourself. Ask God to teach you, pray and ask God to change our words and to give us, grow our integrity to point out to us when we are walking in those falsehoods and the things you're saying. And I just wanted to also say, we may never be able to completely control our tongue. That's a big thing. And you can read this in the book of James says, Hugh controls his tongue is perfect. And guess who the only person who had never messed up in what he said was Jesus. Jesus. He is perfect. I have a note in my Bible next to that verse about Hugh controls his tongue. Jesus only said what God told him to say. He was perfect in all his ways, not not me. Thankfully, God never goes back on his word. Christ is perfect in all his ways, and so we can trust what he said and in his promises, and that's what I wanted to encourage us with is words are always true. Ours may fail, we may be false. Your spouse's words may be false and fail, but guess whose words never do god's   Aaron:For years. Now, we've been reiterating with our children that our words are powerful and we say this a lot and we explain to them the impact of both our negative words and our positive words and the way that we say our words. This is something that we're growing in as a family to to believe, to walk in rightly. And I think it's so valuable as parents, and I just wanted to make that note because as adults are walking through this and letting God test us and refine us, and in all those opportunities, repent of how we are to then look at our children and say, and I'm here to help you in that humility.   Jennifer:Often our kids are really good about helping us. Yeah, that's true. And they catch us, mom, why are you talking that way, dad, you talking harsh. So they see and it's really good, and we stop and we look at 'em. We're like, okay, Elliott   Aaron:. Okay, on good at, on a really sweet note. We were down, we have this little village area with shopping, shopping and it's like got these very nature, big stones and big stone rocks. But they're like, some of 'em are flat benches. And we are walking through the village and Edie sits down on one of the rocks and she folds her arms and she goes, mom, and then she reaches out her arm in Pat's next to her. And so I go and sit down and she folds her arms across her chest. So what do you want to talk about? Two. Mind you, it's my two year old. She's so funny acting. She's some, she's grown.   Jennifer:She so   Aaron:Funny and it's really cute but it just made me laugh and think, wow, as much as we're talking in this episode about being mindful of our words and this very serious commitment way, also just remember that our words bring life and can draw one near and I can   Jennifer:Push away.   Aaron:Yeah. But I'm trying to be sweet right now. Oh, sorry. I just wanted to encourage you guys to well, I was going to encourage you as parents, but even with your spouse, get in your people's spaces, make eye contact, laugh, ask good questions that are engaging and be willing to just use your words for good.   Jennifer:I like that.   Aaron:Good. Okay. Also, I pulled out a couple of quotes by some really random people that I thought were really good for . Just this idea of, well, today we're talking about sticking to our commitments and saying what we mean, but it's also this whole theme for January. So I'm kind of just bulking these at the end here because it's just go for it. Going to carry us in. So this first one's from Rory Ro and Rory Rory Vaden. The foundation of a disciplined life is integrity and doing what we say we're going to do.   Jennifer:The next one's from Dallas Willard. When the light comes into a room, we do not have to say, now what are we going to do about the darkness? It's gone. What does have to do   Aaron:This? I liked it. I liked it because we had a conversation, which we can talk about in another episode, but the   Jennifer:Truth is the light coming into the   Aaron:Room. What I thought about is we were having a conversation. I said, I just want, every time I leave, you want to feel like I'm glowing. Remember? Because we were talking about how we talk to each other, and then I thought about also in as being Christians being the light of Christ. So when we come into the room, there is no darkness.   Jennifer:That's true.   Aaron:Our reputation comes in first and it's like, Hey, we know Jesus. We walk like him. We talk like him.   Jennifer:This next one, this next one really fits what we're talking   Aaron:About by Larry. Did I say that   Jennifer:Right? Larry? Wingett. Let take a   Aaron:Wing it. To me, success comes from what you do, not from what you say you're going to do   Jennifer:. That's really good. Yeah. The last one, Steve Harvey,   Aaron:You know him. I know.   Jennifer:Do what you say you're going to do. People can do nothing but respect that. It's true. Yeah. It's a big deal. And I'm sure if someone in your life that is just really good at falling through with things they say, you probably have a deep respect for those people. But we want to have deep respect for ourselves as well, and that we know that our words matter. That's what we always tell our kids.   Aaron:Someone recently shared that. Some friends of ours shared that the people that they respect the most are people who've had a pattern or a way of being for so long in their life that they respect,   Jennifer:Remember? Yeah. They're just not wishy-washy, but that they're consistent.   Aaron:They stick to it. Yeah. They're consistent. That was the word that they use was consistent. And they respect that about that person, and I value that. It's a   Jennifer:Big deal. Yeah.   Aaron:That's good.   Jennifer:Well, why don't we get into the growth spurt?   Aaron:I do it every week, so yes,   Jennifer:Too. Okay. The growth spurt for this month is build trust, as we talked about today. Do what you say you will or don't say you will   Aaron:. Okay. You do. I'm not letting you do the gross spurt anymore. . Okay. Do the pray.   Jennifer:Yeah. Okay.   Aaron:We don't have to go into the gross spurt this time because the whole episode was about that.   Jennifer:Exactly.   Aaron:Exactly.   Jennifer:Dear Lord, thank you for today. Thank you for speaking to us about the importance of sticking to our word. We desire to have integrity and we desire to be trustworthy. Please help us walk in righteousness to do the things we say we are going to do to love others by sticking to commitments made. We ask you to transform this part of us, give us eyes to truly see how our inconsistencies and discrepancies and failures to do what we say hurts people, especially our spouse. We pray we would be a light wherever we go and honor you by doing what we say we're going to do. In Jesus' name, amen.     Connect With UsInstagram | @marriageaftergodInstagram | @unveiledwifeInstagram | @husbandrevolutionCheck out our marriage resources!SponsorsGet our new book The Marriage Gift - 365 prayers for your marriage!

There is a spiritual truth that goes like this: what we feed will be nourished, what we sow, we will reap, what we pursue, we will find, what we water will grow.…BUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE DON'T?The opposite is a spiritual truth as well. Stop watering something, and it will eventually die. Stop feeding, and it will diminish. If we don't sow, there won't be anything to reap. If we never seek, we will never find.Our focus today is to examine these truths, hitting home the importance of continual spiritual and relational maintenance. Today's episode is brought to you by our faithful patron team who have chosen to help financially support this show monthly. Here is a shout-out to some of our most recent patrons. Freddy SPierre H Shelly BTracy PWe thank you so much for choosing to partner with us in blessing 10’s of thousands of couples with free daily prayer emails and this weekly podcast.If you have been blessed by free marriage after god content, we'd love to invite you to join our patron team. Also, if you chose to sign up at $20/month you can get a $50 gift card to our online store on your first renewal! Please visit marriageaftergod.com/patron7 Ways to Strengthen and Maintain Your MarriageThis podcast episode delves into the maintenance required for our faith and marriages. The things, and even the people in our fallen world are not meant to last forever. Consequently, as a whole, things that are not regularly cared for or maintained begin to crumble. Now, the duration of time it takes depends on the variables, but really, everything is on its way to deteriorating. When something is cared for, its “life” or longevity is preserved. Alternatively, when things are not tended to- like a building that has been abandoned, when the gutter isn’t fixed, the paint left to chip, the relationship not reconciled or pursued; when the pieces begin to fall and no one bothers to pick them up and see the value in preserving them-the things themselves diminish until they are completely torn down, thrown out, or abandoned. The purpose is buried beneath the rubble and ruin of what once was. Marriages don’t usually fall apart all at once. It takes time to get to that point; and yet for some, it's still not long at all, which is heartbreaking and difficult. In parity with our marriage and relationships, our faith can fall apart over time as well if we are not careful. Our world has become accustomed to ease and instant gratification, and where hard work or dedication is required, some become stagnant, while others lose heart and give up completely. Often, we think something better will come along, but as stated by Neil Barringham,“The grass is always greener where you water it.” In other words, the responsibility is ours. If we do not take accountability for our action or in many cases, our inaction, then the fault is also ours.As stated in  Hebrews 3:12-14, 12 Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God. 13 But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called "today," that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. 14 For we have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original confidence firm to the end.When we do not preserve or hold onto our faith and our marriages, they will slowly but surely decay, and eventually crumble. We will be weakened and deceived if we are not careful to abide in Christ. While we can trust that our salvation lies in Christ and his work alone, we can and should labor to safeguard our faith and strengthen our marriages. In order to grow and mature in these things, to keep them from being ineffective, it is essential that we strive to sustain them. 2 Peter 1:8 “For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.”Here are 7 things to maintain in order to keep our marriages and our faith strong and effective.Virtue or purity- having high moral standards and striving to be biblically minded, while pursuing purity in all aspects of life.Knowledge- growing our knowledge of God through prayer and consistent reading of His word, and growing our knowledge of our spouse by communication, listening and understanding.Self-control- in how we communicate, in controlling our emotions and what we consume, and having boundaries.Steadfastness- remaining resolute and unwavering in unity and love with our spouses, and standing firm in our belief in Christ and his finished work.Godliness- remaining devout in our love and devotion to our GodBrotherly Affection- loving our spouses as a brother or sister in Christ and desiring to see them grow closer to the Lord.Love- not simply maintaining our love but earnestly seeking it out diligently.We must realize that when we do not tend to what we are entrusted with, it will not last. When we do pursue, maintain, and care for these things, we preserve them. Let's feed our faith and marriage with God's word and spirit. Let’s sow into our spouses with love and intentionality. Let's pursue God and our spouse with our whole hearts.Lastly, When a new owner comes in and renovate the building it becomes beautiful and full of purpose. Let Christ be that new owner of your marriage today. Connect With UsInstagram | @marriageaftergodInstagram | @unveiledwifeInstagram | @husbandrevolutionCheck out our marriage resources!SponsorsGet our new book The Marriage Gift - 365 prayers for your marriage!

This episode is brought to you in part by our marriage after god podcast and prayer patron team. These are people who have been blessed by this content as well as our daily prayer emails and have decided to help support the show and our daily emails financially. So if you have been blessed by this show and would like to join the marriage after god podcast patron team, please visit marriageaftergod.com/patron Via Wikipedia: The self-discrepancy theory states that individuals compare their "actual" self to internalized standards or the "ideal or ought self". Self-discrepancy is the gap between two of these self-representations that leads to negative emotions.Essentially it is how we deal with the difference between who we think we should be and who we want to be vs who we actually are.Percent Discrepancy or Error:The discrepancy in a measured quantity for an instrument is the difference between its measured value and true value (accepted value). This difference between these values is known as the absolute error.Absolute error. When I read that I was like….well it is an absolute error when God's word says to be a respectful wife and then im disrespectful. If God’s word is the measure by which we live, what is the difference between that and how i choose to respond and act. Google How do you identify discrepancies?Identifying discrepancies in data is simple. You compare two data sets for the same period of time and look for numbers that don't match up. The real challenge is understanding what caused the discrepancies and how to reconcile them.For me when I think of discrepancy, what I feel God wants me to pay attention to … are the differences I see when I compare who I am to who I want to be according to his word. And when i see it i get so frustrated! Understanding and Confronting why there are different things happening and why i am choosing to be the way i really am, frustrates me. This is what got me thinking….How do I reconcile those differences to become one and the same??? The person i really want to be is like Christ, so there is a fight going on inside you….who you CANNOT BE ON YOUR OWN. The who you are now fights who you want to be.  TRANSCRIPT: Speaker 1 (00:05):Hey, Were Aaron and Jennifer Smith, your host of the Marriage After God podcast. If we're all being honest, we would recognize that there's a discrepancy between who we are and who we desire to be. And right now we are going to dive into this idea and find some encouragement along the way. Would Speaker 2 (00:19):You please take some time today and share this episode on your social media? Share it with your friend, share it with your family. Invite them to listen along with you. It'd be an awesome conversation starter. Some people have even taken our podcast and turn 'em into little Bible studies and they meet with a few couples to go through them. And I think you'd be an awesome way to help grow the show, reach of it. And then lastly, before we move on we wanted to bring up a new way that we are inviting people to help support this podcast. We don't do ads. If you noticed the only ads, we talk about our books and our free prayer emails that we send out every day. But one way you can support is you can join the Marriage After God podcast patron team. And what this is, this is a group of husbands and wives all over the country who support this podcast and support our daily prayer emails financially. And if you would like to do that, if this shows blessed you, if you are blessed by our daily prayer emails, we'd love, love to invite you to join the Marriage God podcast patron team by going to marriage after god.com/patron. That's P A T R O N, marriage after god.com/patron. Speaker 1 (01:33):While we are in a new year, 2023, can you believe it? Speaker 2 (01:36):Did we say 2023? Is it 20? 23? 20? Speaker 1 (01:39):Just 23. Speaker 2 (01:40):Just 23. Speaker 1 (01:42):Just 23. Happy New Year everybody. You might be surprised to see us. We're really excited to be here with you guys starting out the new year. Speaker 2 (01:52):Why would they be surprised though? Speaker 1 (01:53):Oh, fresh. I think because when we finished the last season, which was just in December we told everyone to look forward to another season launching in the spring. Speaker 2 (02:05):And it's not the spring, Speaker 1 (02:06):But hey, it's never too early to dive into a good marriage podcast. Speaker 2 (02:10):And we're back and we're excited. Speaker 1 (02:12):Yeah. So instead of doing a seasonal podcast, we thought we'd go all the way back to like we did when we first launched the podcast back in 2018, Speaker 2 (02:21):Which is crazy. Speaker 1 (02:22):We had to go back and look Speaker 2 (02:23):It up. We both didn't realize we started this far back. We thought it was 2019. Speaker 1 (02:27):So back when we started in 2018, we were doing a weekly episode and that was really exciting and really great. And then after, I don't know how, I Speaker 2 (02:35):Don't know, I think it was like 75 plus episode stream. Speaker 1 (02:38):I don't remember. We switched it to doing a seasonal thing, which gave us, in our family a bit of space in between the seasons, which was really great. Speaker 2 (02:45):Lots of new babies between then. Speaker 1 (02:47):Yeah, for sure. So here we are and we're going to try a new thing, a new old Speaker 2 (02:52):Thing, a new oldie goodie thing. Speaker 1 (02:54):Well, speaking of oldie goodies, if you are new with us, you can go back to those 2018, 2019 and up episodes if you haven't listened to 'em. And yeah, Speaker 2 (03:04):There's a check 'em out there a lot for you there. I was just letting Jennifer know some of that analytics cause I like to look at all that data. And one of our episodes, it's called Jesus is our Passover, has had 58,000 downloads. Crazy. So you should definitely go check that one out. And then the last little bit of numbers I wanna throw out there, we've just, I think just last episode of the last season, we broke 3 million downloads of our podcast. That's Speaker 1 (03:29):Awesome. Yeah. That's so cool. Thank you guys for listening. Speaker 2 (03:32):Yeah. This that only happens cuz you all who listened to this podcast. So thank you. Speaker 1 (03:38):Okay, so what can everyone enjoy from us this next year? I should rephrase that. What are people going to want to tell their friends when they talk about our podcast? Speaker 2 (03:48):Hopefully good things hard things sometimes but I think I'd love for people to say that we're real. That we like to be honest, that we're not in any way experts but definitely experts at sharing our story. Speaker 1 (04:04):I was going to say funny. I want them to say, Hey, this podcast is really funny. Speaker 2 (04:08):We do like to laugh a lot. Speaker 1 (04:09):I think I'm funny. Speaker 2 (04:11):Yeah. Words like relatable, truthful those are things that we desire to be as podcast hosts sharing this content with you all. Speaker 1 (04:19):And on a more serious note I would want them to tell their friends what they say doesn't matter. It's what God says through them when his word comes out of them. It's just really good. Speaker 2 (04:32):It's a prayer. I often pray before I teach is Lord let it be your words, not mine. Speaker 1 (04:37):Exactly. If anything, it'll be a good dose when you guys follow along this year of Oh yeah. Or good idea or ouch. I need to work on that for the purpose of encouraging all of us to pick up our Bibles and pursue our spouse. Right. Speaker 2 (04:55):And to be honest, we actually say these things about our own content because when we're preparing these and thinking these are things that we're going through so we actually feel the same way sometimes. So Speaker 1 (05:04):Yeah. Okay, so let's do that now let's get into this very interesting topic we have here today Speaker 2 (05:11):Here and we're in December. And a lot of happened since you Speaker 1 (05:15):Didn't say we're in December. Speaker 2 (05:16):No, we're not in December we're just out. We were out of December. But a lot of stuff's been going on. So since we ended the season, yeah, Speaker 1 (05:25):I will say in December it was challenging for us. We kicked it off with being sick as a family and really sick. Sick, really sick. And that was terrible. What was most terrible about it is it's the beginning weeks of December is like you're just starting to have Christmas festivities. At least I am with the kids festivities. And I was super bummed to miss out on those things. Speaker 2 (05:47):But we got to make some of it up cuz there was some really fun things that we got to do. We got to make sugar cookies always. And we love cookies in this family. They Speaker 1 (05:56):Don't last very long. Speaker 2 (05:57):No eat 'em all cookies the same day. Usually I eat most of the dough before it makes into the oven. Speaker 1 (06:01):I had to wait till we got much better before I jumped into that one. We also, did you already say this? Make gingerbread houses? Speaker 2 (06:09):I didn't say it. Okay. No, but I was thinking of gingerbread men, which we'll talk about a second. We will. Well how would we dress up for the Oh yeah, yeah. Christmas Speaker 1 (06:18):Party. We went sledding Christmas shopping. Speaker 2 (06:22):Yeah, we did all the things even though it was a pretty heavy with sickness, once we got all better we're like, okay, let's jam it all in. We have to get all things in before the end of the year. Speaker 1 (06:32):One and a half weeks go. Speaker 2 (06:33):Yeah. So we went to a Christmas party. Speaker 1 (06:36):It's an annual party that we like to do with our friends Speaker 2 (06:38):And this one did. We don't always dress up. We was this a special one this Speaker 1 (06:42):Year? We just decided, we called it nacho average Christmas party. And it was just so fun. Speaker 2 (06:48):Yeah. It was what I dressed up as a, you dressed me up as a Well Speaker 1 (06:53):We wanted to go as a couple. And so I was like gingerbread. That's awesome. Speaker 2 (06:57):But what? You were a Speaker 1 (06:58):Pinata. I was a pinata gingerbread. And Speaker 2 (07:00):You, your costume, it took you days to make. Cuz she literally glued all this burn. What is that stuff called? It's like streamers. Streamers all over her dress. And then I was a ninja bread man Speaker 1 (07:12):And we were the greatest couple of all time. So Speaker 2 (07:14):It was amazing. Anyways, that was a lot of fun. Speaker 1 (07:18):We played Family Feud, we played some Minute to win at games. The candy cane drop. There's some good Speaker 2 (07:26):Ones. There was, there was a really fun, oh anyways, there were fun games. Oh, the box grab. Yeah, the box grab one was fun. There was a one Speaker 1 (07:33):Except you were supposed to let me win and then didn't Speaker 2 (07:34):One of the wives there was so fast. She was so fast. She beat everyone. Speaker 1 (07:38):Okay, we need to move on here. Okay. Okay. Amid the hustle of the season and experiencing joy, which we hope you guys all enjoyed over holiday break, we also encountered some back to back hard marriage moments some ways of responding to each other. That's Merry Speaker 2 (07:54):Christmas does. Speaker 1 (07:55):No, it was hard. And more so I just wanna personally admit that the Lord revealed to me how I was being disrespectful to you Erin and how I was communicating and I hurt you. And in the midst of those things happening, I also was reminded by looking my journal that I hadn't been abiding in reading the word consistently throughout December. And I know that that plays a huge role in how I feed my flesh instead of walking the spirit. And so there was just a lot of ups and downs emotionally and some 10 moments of tension within our relationship that kind of just influenced our experience. Speaker 2 (08:45):And it didn't help that I was also not abiding in Christ really well this last month in the month of December. And that made my responses not so great to how you were responding to me. Speaker 1 (09:00):We were both irritable and just sloppy in our relationship. Speaker 2 (09:05):It wasn't good, Speaker 1 (09:07):But the Lord's good. And he showed us and reminded us that we need to have grace with one another. That reconciliation is so important. And we came back together and got Speaker 2 (09:23):Through these things. We are reconciled and and God using that situation he has in the past with other situations to show us that there's change that he desires in us, that he's not okay with where we're at because he desires better for us and we're not okay where we're at because we desire better for us. Speaker 1 (09:40):It was during those was it like a week and a half, two weeks of mm-hmm. Being up and down together that the Lord simultaneously put a desire in our hearts to switch the podcast from being put off till spring to, to launching it in the new year and doing this weekly thing. And I think that's, I was going to say funny, it's not funny, but dealing with shouldn't communicate, shouldn't crisis well dealing with communication issues and then going, Hey, let's be professional communicators just about Speaker 2 (10:09):Our marriage that we're having a hard time Speaker 1 (10:10):With you. And I always see in hindsight a lot better. But I was telling you this Erin, that once we made that decision to launch the podcast, being reminded that we have an enemy that doesn't like what we're doing, he's like, Uhuh, I'm going to sabotage that one. Speaker 2 (10:28):Well all the more why we're called to put on the former of God and to not be mm-hmm lax in our vigilance, in our faith to Speaker 1 (10:35):Guard ourselves better Speaker 2 (10:36):And our marriage and we and I wasn't you and the fruit of that was evident. Speaker 1 (10:42):So being professional communicators here, we are not exempt, exempt from the ways of the flesh just because we run a podcast. There's times that Aaron and I are mean to each other. There's times that we can be selfish. There's times that we, I am disrespectful or struggle with submission and struggle with the things that I want versus what you want. And we Speaker 2 (11:04):Clash, both of us just struggling with Speaker 1 (11:06):Irritability, Speaker 2 (11:07):Being Christian, just walking in God's spirit and being more fleshly than spiritual which comes out of us when we're not abiding in Christ and when we're feeding the wrong thing in us, as everyone listening would understand cuz we all do it. So yeah, we're not exempt at Speaker 1 (11:27):All in recognizing that we struggle with communication At times I get down cuz I think there's no way we can do a podcast. Yeah. We're not worthy. We share with others that unworthiness thing to which you and others in my life say because God doesn't use perfect people. That's true. And you reminded me of what Paul said in one Corinthians 12, nine. But he said to me, my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Speaker 2 (12:00):Which is funny cuz often we don't boast in the weakness. We boast about being strong and then when we feel weak we're like, oh we can't do Speaker 1 (12:07):This. So here we are confessing that we're weak and we desire the power of Christ to rest upon us. That's the only reason I know I can sit here and be doing this right now. Speaker 2 (12:19):Well and it's good because we need people to know that we too them need Jesus. Speaker 1 (12:25):Yeah. Always. All Speaker 2 (12:26):The time. Speaker 1 (12:26):Yeah. I also wanna admit that this is hard for me, the tension of perception and how I want others to view me as if I am perfect. If I am going to do this podcast and I'm going to be sharing with people, then I want them to see me as someone who does walk rightly or does know what she's talking about Speaker 2 (12:43):And doesn't make mistakes. Speaker 1 (12:44):It doesn't make mistakes. But the truth is, the reality is I am still learning and I am still growing. We are. And we're still have great days and we still have harder days. We still walk in righteousness and we still are confronted by our sin. Speaker 2 (12:59):Well and God also used these moments, this time of struggle between us to remind us that one of the things that we prided ourselves in the beginning of this ministry, starting the unveil wife years ago and later on husband revolution, is that we would share the reality of our life and not try and make it sound perfect, but actually show what God's teaching us through our imperfectness. That was something that we prided ourselves in and we get reminded of it in the middle of our brokenness and we're like, oh, that's what we need to be open with that stuff. Speaker 1 (13:37):So I guess that's the first little bit of discrepancy right there. But we're, we're going to talk about that in a minute. Speaker 2 (13:43):Before we move on any further though into talking about the main topic, I just wanted to remind everyone again one more time if you enjoy this episode, if you l any episode actually instead of just leaving a review on the podcast for the podcast as a whole, which I'd love for you to do if you wanted to we thought it'd be awesome if you guys would leave us reviews for individual episodes. Let us know which one you love, why you love it, what maybe if there's something in it that stood out to you. And I just think that would add a lot of value to people reading the reviews and looking for why they should listen to these podcasts. So if you could do that, if you could take five minutes today and do that, we would really appreciate it. Speaker 1 (14:23):I wanted to share something that we experienced kicking off the first week of January with our church family. Was it the first of the year? It was the first of the year. Speaker 2 (14:32):Yeah, it was. It was the first Sunday of Speaker 1 (14:34):The first Sunday, first day, first of the year. We thought it would be cool to, well all the men decided to come prepared to share desires that they had, hopes that they had for our church. And we do home church. So we've talked about that in the past. And so we have an intimate group of a handful of families with a lot of children. We Speaker 2 (14:56):Have about 10 Speaker 1 (14:57):Families. And so we just popcorned around and different people shared different just heart's desires to see growth in our church. Some said to see more dedicated prayers of first response to circumstance resting in the Lord regardless of circumstance. So being able to have that peace and that rest. There was a ton of affirmations of giftings and roles that people have that we see in each other. There was a desire for more growth and maturity and there was this a remembering that we have influence and a role to fulfill within the body. And I think that it was so cool as a church to be able to walk through all of that and hear what everybody thought about fellowshiping together and what they hope it looks like in the future. And Speaker 2 (15:49):Yeah, it was, do you love it? It was really encouraging to hear from the hearts of everyone there, all of our friends, but our whole church of what they want to see from themselves, from our church, but really what is God doing with us? What does he desire from us as a church? And so that was really encouraging. We got to pray about it as we went. So someone would bring something up, I'd love to see this, I'd love to see our fellowship operate this way, or the men do this or the women do this, or whatever it is. And then we would just stop and pray about it and say, okay, Lord, show us. Reveal these things to us. Give us wisdom and lead us essentially Speaker 1 (16:26):What I loved about the experience is usually at the end of the year we'll talk about our dreams and our hopes for our marriage or our business this time, but our church did it this time. And it just felt really refreshing I Speaker 2 (16:39):Think. Well, and it's encouraging too to know, it was cool to hear everyone's hearts like, oh wow. Yeah, everyone's in some levels aligned and then on others' like wow, we, there's some things that we can grow together. And Speaker 1 (16:53):It was super cool. Well, I kept personally hearing this word. I just felt like God was encouraging me with this one word. Speaker 2 (17:02):This is this idea. A lot of people have of a word for the year, that Speaker 1 (17:06):Sort of thing, which I've done in the past, but I don't do it every year. But I kept hearing this word and I, I'm like, okay God, why don't you just walk me through this one this year? But the word became the theme for today's episode and the words discrepancy and just, I don't know why I've been so sensitive toward this word, but it's been really cool to dig in and say, okay God, what does it mean? What does it look like in my life? And why is it important? Speaker 2 (17:34):Yeah. And this word came out of a, I don't know what you were looking for, but you were doing some sort of research probably for this episode or for yourself. But Speaker 1 (17:44):I think it started because I was trying to look up bible verses that have to do with discrepancy, but it didn't quite turn out that way. And then I went on a rabbit trail. Speaker 2 (17:52):But it was cool, you came across this article about this concept of self discrepancy theory. And you read me some of the stuff from the article and you told me, I was like, wow, that's a really cool thought. The way they describe it Speaker 1 (18:08):On Wikipedia, it states that according to self discrepancy theory, that individuals compare their actual self to internalized standards or the ideal or odd self. So self discrepancy is the gap between two of these self representations that leads to negative emotions. Speaker 2 (18:26):So that's the definition of self discrepancy theory, which we're not necessarily going to dig into this specifically, but it got us on this journey of, okay, what discrepancies are there between the two selves of us who we desire to be in Christ and who we are today? Who Speaker 1 (18:46):We actually are, Speaker 2 (18:46):Who we actually are because how Speaker 1 (18:48):We Speaker 2 (18:48):Operate. That's where this word discrepancy comes in is for you might see yourself as supposed to be or want to be this one way, but then a different person comes out in the day to day. And the same for me. I see myself or want to be this way or should be biblically this way and yet I'm this person over Speaker 1 (19:11):Here. And that gap or that tension, the definition was saying and leads to negative emotions. Those negative emotions can be depression, anxiety or struggling in that space of thinking I'll never change. And that's frustrating, Speaker 2 (19:25):Which we feel because I mean that's what you feel. I felt, why do I keep doing this? Why does this keep happening? And we've all asked these questions, I've tried so hard and I never change. Why can't I be this person? Speaker 1 (19:39):Or maybe you do experience incremental changes but not in this one particular area Or maybe or you have experienced a lot of change in a lot of different areas, but then it comes back and you're struggling again and it's just hard Speaker 2 (19:55):Life. Well, and this is normal for the human condition and we're going to get into this more a little bit, but God knows this about us because we have ideals or versions of ourselves that we believe should exist in the real world. But yet we are who we are now and it's not that person. Speaker 1 (20:18):And I was going to add to that by saying perceived perceptions projected when we're in front of one group of people or someone else but at home where someone else, Speaker 2 (20:32):Well, and this is probably going to be, we're going to talk about later episode or we might talk about this, but that when we pretend to be that projected person, that person over there, that's hypocrisy because we aren't that person. We act like we are, but we're not. Yeah. Speaker 1 (20:50):Okay. So another definition from Miriam Webster says an instance of disagreeing or being at variance. Speaker 2 (20:57):Being at variance. Speaker 1 (20:58):I know these are kind of more technical terms, but I kind of taking things like this and applying it to spiritual well Speaker 2 (21:05):Being at variance there, I just literally thought of this it made me think of how we're supposed to be one. But when we are at odds with each other, we're at variance with each other. We're not unified and there's a discrepancy, there's a like, oh we're not, we're split versus fused. Being balanced or balanced in harmony. Speaker 1 (21:28):Disagree. This was something else I looked up in my little search. Percent percent discrepancy or error. The discrepancy in a measured quantity for an instrument is the difference between its measured value and true value. The difference between these values is known as the absolute error, which I love that absolute error. That's true. When I read that, I was like, well it's an absolute error when God's word says to be a respectful wife and then I'm disrespectful. Speaker 2 (21:56):So something should weigh X. But when it's measured, it's measured at Y. Speaker 1 (22:01):So yeah. So if God's word is the measure by which we live, what is the difference between that and how I choose to respond and Speaker 2 (22:09):Act? Well, absolute error. Speaker 1 (22:10):It's an absolute error. Yeah. Speaker 2 (22:12):Well I love that. This is why where the gospel comes in when we recognize we are actually in absolute error because we are not living up to the standard, the actual true measure, the true value which is Christ. Which is Christ we we're in absolute air. That's really good. Speaker 1 (22:32):All interesting things here guys. Okay, so Google, when I Googled sometimes they have these questions pop up, it said, how do you identify discrepancy? And then this was the response, identifying discrepancies in data is simple. You compared two data sets for the same period of time and look for numbers that don't match up. So again, kind of technical, but let's dig a little deeper here. The real challenge is understanding what caused the discrepancies and how to reconcile them. Speaker 2 (22:57):No, we just wanna see that there Speaker 1 (22:59):Is so Speaker 2 (23:00):Because that's too much  Speaker 1 (23:01):With Speaker 2 (23:01):The Lord. How do we get to that number Speaker 1 (23:03):With the Lord? Putting this word discrepancy on my heart, this is where I'm at for the year. The challenge for me is to understand what causes the discrepancies. Well I guess identifying them, but what caused the discrepancies? And then how do I reconcile them? Speaker 2 (23:16):Which this is a good question for all of our listeners and a good recognition. We all can see easily the discrepancy in our walks. I know when I'm not in the word like oh there's a discrepancy, I believe the word, but I'm not in it. Like you said, you know, should respect and submit to me based off of what the Bible says. But there's a difference in how we respond. I know I'm supposed to love you sacrificially and I don't. So that's easy to see. But like you said, the why does that exist and how did we get to that point and Speaker 1 (23:54):How do we move Speaker 2 (23:54):Past and how do we reconcile the numbers on the sheet? Yeah, Speaker 1 (24:00):That's Speaker 2 (24:00):The harder thing for sure. Speaker 1 (24:01):Something I think God wants me to be paying attention to are the differences I see when I compare who I am to how I wanna be according to his word. And when I see it, when I see it, I get frustrated. I don't know about you, you said it's easy to see. I'm like, I get it so frustrated cuz I'm like that's who I wanna be. Speaker 2 (24:20):This goes back to that discrepancy theory. How you respond to the discrepancy is based off of whether you have an ideal or an odd. And I think you see that person as an odd, I should be this person but I'm not. Why not? And so you're frustrated and an anxious about it. Speaker 1 (24:37):So I wanna answer the question, how do I reconcile those differences to become one in the same? Speaker 2 (24:44):I think when you were asking me this question earlier, I was thinking, well if we have the wrong definition of the person we're trying to be, then we'll never be able to. No, that's true. Reconcile. So if I'm like, well I need to be this person, Jennifer b Jennifer, version B is who I need to be. But reality is Jennifer B doesn't exist without Christ. So there is no Jennifer B in the picture unless there's Christ in the picture. And so like you said, when we're not inviting in Christ, when we're not seeking that image, when we're not seeking his righteousness and his kingdom and those things, then there can be no reconciliation. So I think it's first Speaker 1 (25:28):Recognizing if the person that we want to become has nothing to do with God's word, if it's not defined by God's word, Speaker 2 (25:37):Then we're, it's always going to be redefined every moment. But if we define it the correct way, then we can at least know what we're shooting for. We we're shooting for the Christ and his perfection, which we understand we can't attain on our own. We need him. Speaker 1 (25:59):And when we were talking about this earlier, you said to me well there's a fight going on inside of you and who you want to be. You cannot be on your own. You can't Speaker 2 (26:11):Do it. Yeah. Cuz you're constantly the who we are today is constantly fighting who we want to be to be tomorrow. So I think the general solution to how do we get from A to B, how do we fill that gap? I think it starts with a surrender. Our current self has to surrender to Christ the future self and say, okay, if this is the true value what you say, then I need to surrender to that. And that's, that's how we shrink that gap. Cuz there is no perfection to be attained. And I hope that's an encouragement everyone listening is we're not talking about, hey, we can't actually get there. No, I think one day, well when we were with our father in heaven, there's going to be with him and Speaker 1 (27:00):Life is and him and life is the journey and the process every day inching closer to Speaker 2 (27:07):That. Well and I think even just a revelation I just had is instead of trying to constantly be the better me tomorrow that the journey is are we're constantly moving toward Christ Speaker 1 (27:23):Or recognizing his power in us. Speaker 2 (27:27):So instead of always feeling a failure because we didn't live up to whatever we're trained to imagine, we're just constantly moving toward him. Paul says it really good in Romans seven, verse 24 when explaining this dichotomy between our flesh and the spirit. And he says, wretched man that I am, which is how we all feel. So Speaker 1 (27:49):You're saying now, oh I suck. Speaker 2 (27:51):Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. So he's showing this di dichotomy of I want to serve the law, but I also have my flesh. And he says, who's going to deliver me from this problem? And he says, thanks be to God through Jesus Christ. Speaker 1 (28:19):I really think you should keep reading cuz moving on into eight. It really, Speaker 2 (28:23):So in verse in chapter eight, he says, therefore, or there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Speaker 1 (28:32):Which pause. There's been so many times that I've felt just the guilt of the shame and the full weight of my sin. And you've repeated this verse to me so many times. So husbands, wives, anyone listening, tuck this verse away for when someone needs it. Go ahead. Speaker 2 (28:50):Well, in verse two, for the law of the spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death for God is done with the law. Weakened by the flesh could not do by sending his own son and the likeness of sinful flesh. And for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us who walk not according to the flesh, but according to the spirit. The law of the spirit when we walk in the spirit is freedom. We're set free in Christ Jesus from this bondage that you feel that I feel of, oh, I'm not performing right, I'm not fulfilling the law. I'm not being the person I'm supposed to be. Right? No, we're set free from that bondage of that. But when we walk in the spirit, we actually produce the things that the spirit produces, which is good. Speaker 1 (29:46):Yeah. There was a few other verses that came to our mind when considering discrepancy and what does the Bible talk about and how to identify that in us. So one of the first ones was Matthew seven 15 through 20. Do Speaker 2 (30:02):You wanna read that? Yeah. And it starts off talking about false prophets, but I want to get to the point here. So it says, beware of false prophets who come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thorn bushes or figs from thistles even so every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Therefore, by their fruits you will know them. The point here is it's showing that on the outside, like I said earlier about this hypocrisy, these people show one thing, but on the inside or something else, God's telling us when we walk in the spirit, he changes the inside even before the outside represents what's on the inside. And so to bear good fruit, we must walk in the spirit which God uses to change us from the inside. So instead of trying to find this, seek this outward thing, we should be seeking that inward transformation, which then does actually change us. Speaker 1 (31:16):Another one is also James three, nine through 12. It says with it we bless our Lord and talking about our tongue with it, we bless our Lord and Father and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God from the same mouth come blessing and cursing my brothers, these things ought not to be. So does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and saltwater. Can AIG tree my brothers bear olives or grapevine produced figs? Neither can assault pond yield fresh water. Speaker 2 (31:46):Yeah. This is talking about our tongue and our words, but it's showing the discrepancy between things we say on one side of our mouth and things we say on the other side of our mouth that we bless God and we curse our brother. We have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in our hearts, yet we boast about our altruism and our love for our brother. This is discrepancy. This is something that we deal with. So the fact that sometimes we like, oh, I want to be this kind of person, but over here we're not okay with using, having a discrepancy in the way we speak and the things we say. And that's where, this is another thing where looking at the true value, the true value is what God says. And as the word says right here in James, these things ought not to be so , a discrepancy that needs to be a gap that needs to be closed there. Speaker 1 (32:38):Just going a little personal, is there anything that you've recognized that is, is there discrepancy in you or in something that you've recognized lately? Speaker 2 (32:50):One of the things that you haven't have had an issue in the past and something that you're recognizing is how you communicate To me, I've had the same issue with, you may not be in every circumstances, but when you're having a hard Speaker 1 (33:03):Time, your issue is how I communicate with you. I'm Speaker 2 (33:05):Kidding. No. How I communicate with you, how I respond to you When you communicate to me a certain way instead of me being self controlled and doing the right thing, I just do the wrong thing also this Speaker 1 (33:16):Cycle. Speaker 2 (33:17):But I also, I've realized that, and it's something I have grown in, but I have a problem with the way I've talked to my communicate children way I can communicate to my friends. But Speaker 1 (33:28):You've gotten better at Yeah, I have. But just to affirm you, you have grown in that Speaker 2 (33:32):And I appreciate that. But that that's something that God has showing me through this thing that's been going on with us and just saying, okay, God wants to deal with this discrepancy. Speaker 1 (33:42):He wants to chisel it out of us. Speaker 2 (33:44):He wants to cut it out. Yeah. There's just kind of highlighting more of this. I've been, I been listening to a new podcast called Hidden Brain and I'm really liking it. It just talks about these concept of how our brains work. And he was talking with a guest, the main host, and she said something that reminded me of this. She said, there's two versions of ourselves existing at the same time who we desire to be and who we are and that's why we've been talking about this. But she called it the present self and the future self. And often, Speaker 1 (34:17):Do you ever catch yourself talking to yourself in that way? Speaker 2 (34:21):I don't. No. Speaker 1 (34:21):Do you do that? No. I mean, I'm not going to admit it now. Sure. Not. Speaker 2 (34:25):No. I don't think I talked to my future self, but she said something that was pretty profound that we often make our future self pay the consequences of our presence. Self choices. Speaker 1 (34:37):Well, that's true. The donuts I eat today are going to affect me. Speaker 2 (34:42):So your future self has to pay the consequences of that current and this now this podcast at all. But she's saying things, I'm like, oh, that's exactly what the Bible says. Talking about how when you want to be healthy, you want to lose weight, you want to whatever your future self desires, but you're like, you want this momentary, fleeting thing. You're like, well, I'm going to sacrifice my future self's problems so today can have the pleasure instead of sacrificing the pleasure today so that you can enjoy the pleasure later. So I just, it's good. It was reminding me of everything that you were talking about with this, and then I heard this episode and I was like, that's exactly what we're going through is we often, we sacrifice our future selves. We make them pay the consequence of our current actions. Speaker 1 (35:32):And just so I don't sound crazy, I immediately got that thought in my mind of how people write those letters to their 17 year old self. Or going back Speaker 2 (35:40):Into, oh, talking to your past self maybe, or Speaker 1 (35:42):Going back and forth. Speaker 2 (35:43):What I You look crazy. I'm sure there's a lot, everyone listening, there's probably a bunch of people like, Speaker 1 (35:46):Yes, I don't talk to myself. Speaker 2 (35:48):No. But having conversations with your future self, I don't know. Speaker 1 (35:51):It's interesting. Speaker 2 (35:53):I don't usually think that far ahead, but that's also a problem. I need to think a little bit further ahead. Think ahead. Yeah. Speaker 1 (35:59):All right. Where are we at? Speaker 2 (36:00):Well, so we're getting closer to the end of this, but I think the idea, what I love about God and his word is the Bible is very clear and honest about who we are as humans. That's Speaker 1 (36:13):What I was going to say is honest. It's Speaker 2 (36:14):Honest, it's it. It's a mirror. It says it's sharper than any two edge sword cutting through the bone of marrow. No one's hidden from it. And you read the word, when you truly read it and you look at it, you see your truest self. You're like, oh my goodness. I like when we just came out, oh, I'm absolute error. That's the truth. Speaker 1 (36:35):But you also see the truth of who you are in Christ. Speaker 2 (36:39):Well, and that's what I'm saying is God created us and totally understands that we go through this stuff. (36:47):And what I love is it tells us that Jesus himself, he was tempted in every way, common demand. So all these things that were tempted with, tempted with feeling guilty about this or that tempted with knowing that we who wanting to do something this way, he's felt those temptations. No he didn't sin. He understands us. Romans seven 18, here's a good example for I know that nothing good dwells in me that is in my flesh for I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. Again, this is Paul talking about this. The Bible knows that there's nothing good in us in our flesh alone, but we do have the desire. God's like he sees this split, he sees this chasm. But what's awesome is with Christ Speaker 1 (37:38):We Speaker 2 (37:39):Can, yeah, Christ even says, he says, it's good that I go away because if I go away, then God will send you the helper, his Holy Spirit. He sent him specifically to be our helper because he knows we need help so much with everything in life. Speaker 1 (37:56):And when we yield to his authority and we yield to his headship in our lives, we do see transformation. Aaron has to remind me of this because sometimes I get cloudy and my woe is me. I'm so sad that I haven't changed yet. And you remind me of the good that's come. You remind me of the transformation that we've already made. Speaker 2 (38:16):Well now remind you that you have changed. Yeah. That who you are today, that's Speaker 1 (38:19):Not who Speaker 2 (38:19):It was, is a stark contrast to who you were 10 years ago. And you, you'd be proud of the woman you are. Yeah. But it's so hard for us to see. Clearly. We think we do, but we don't see. That's Speaker 1 (38:32):True. Marriage tip number one, we don't see clearly. Okay. So with this being a word that I'm going to be committing to dwelling on this year, a few questions came to my mind. And I don't necessarily have the answers to serve alongside these for you just yet, but more so I'm just posing the questions and asking God to help me dig a little deeper in order to be refined or chi. And Speaker 2 (38:53):These are questions we want them to Speaker 1 (38:55):Consider. Yeah. Why don't you guys take the opportunity to just let it soak in and ask yourselves the same thing. So the first one, is there a discrepancy in my spiritual walk between the things that I say I believe and what I actually believe? And this is where doubt really gets at me. This is where I know that I, it comes out in my actions because I'm going to do what I believe. Speaker 2 (39:23):And so it's different. Believe, yes. But I do this other thing. Really. I don't believe Speaker 1 (39:27):That. Exactly. And that's a problem. That's identifying, Speaker 2 (39:31):That's a discrepancy. Speaker 1 (39:32):Interesting. Yeah. Okay. , another question is, in my marriage, do I have a double standard? I love you or serve me, but I can't serve you. Do I have that mentality? Do I make commitments and say them to you, but don't carry them out? Discrepancy in marriage. Do I perceive myself to be a submissive wife? But do I have that integrity in me to be able to answer that truthfully? And then the last one is, when it comes to parenting, am I, Speaker 2 (40:10):That's a good one. This is convicting for me. Speaker 1 (40:13):Am I telling my kids to be kind, but I'm not being kind? Or even in small things? No, you can't have that or you can't watch that TV right now. And then not following through, through and immediately letting them. So that's just silly examples. But it happens. So oh, the other part of parenting is, am I sharing with other moms examples or, Hey, you should try this or do that. But I myself am not doing that. And it just makes me think absolute error. Speaker 2 (40:45):Well, and these questions are good for the husbands to be asking also. I mean, they just need to change some of the details. But we should be asking these questions of ourselves. Speaker 1 (40:55):I have one more. I skipped over it. In friendships, am I paying attention to what I'm saying and what I'm doing? Do I view myself as a good friend, but really in my actions I'm showing something else. Speaker 2 (41:08):So it's a good thing for us to ask the Lord, say, Lord, show us. See if there's any wicked way in us as David prayed. Find those things in us and help us change God, help change them in us so we can be more like your son Jesus. Speaker 1 (41:25):And then, so that was kind of the group of questions for relationships that I'm dealing with. And then bottom line is, how do these discrepancies hurt myself and others? And I think that's a really important question to ask because obviously we don't wanna go around hurting our spouse or hurting our children or hurting our friends. Speaker 2 (41:46):Well, Proverbs 11 says, the integrity of the upright guides them, but the crookedness of the treacherous destroys them. Speaker 1 (41:54):I love that contrast of having integrity versus not, and how obvious it is what we Speaker 2 (41:58):Should choose. One's straighten upright and one's crooked and treacherous. So when we don't walk in integrity, when we have deep discrepancy, cuz we, again, we're, we all have discrepancy, we all have a distance between who God wants us to be and who we are today. But there are things that we can recognize, those questions you asked that can actually bring immediate integrity and uprightness into our relationships versus not having and just staying more atten and it causing brokenness and anger. How does it make you feel when we end up in these areas where the discrepancy's actually hurting us? Speaker 1 (42:40):I usually feel discouraged and disappointed and disparaging just, well, what's wrong with me? And I get in my own head and I get down on myself because Speaker 2 (42:49):Remember are telling me in the middle of that the discussion when we're trying to work through it. Like I feel like I never change. And I'm like, well, and that's what I was encouraging. I was like, well, you have changed right now. You don't feel like it, but you have. Yeah. Speaker 1 (43:03):I think one of the biggest problems is that I'm just looking at myself in those moments. I'm looking at myself and how much I failed. And when we end up staying up late to talk about these things, and you remind me of Romans eight, one and the comfort and peace that I get from having anxious thoughts to relying on God's word and letting it seep in night and day Speaker 2 (43:28):Difference. Well, and I just to close out what we're talking about a discrepancy in my life, I'm just thinking about what those questions you asked being convicted lately. I've always encouraging others in the podcast and my relationships with my kids, with my friends to be abiding in God's word. And then I myself don't aide in it that well. I go long periods of time with not getting deep into the word. Speaker 1 (44:00):It's like you do, but you don't. Speaker 2 (44:01):Yeah. I said this at church on Sunday. We know when we're abiding and when we're not like, ah, maybe I was this week. No, we know. But that's that right there. Abiding with Christ means that we're next to him. So as he walks, we walk. When he sits, we sit. When he stands, we stand. And so if we want to shrink that discrepancy, then let's walk with Christ. Let's abide with him. This is the lifelong solution. It's what God desires. Speaker 1 (44:38):What's really cool about what you just said is I got this picture of earlier you were talking about version A and version B of Jen. If I'm only looking to myself and what I'm capable of as my version B, Jen kind of silly to think about that way I'm never going to reach that. And I'm going to feel that discouragement come on because I'm never meeting that Speaker 2 (44:59):Because you never get to Speaker 1 (45:00):Be here because I never get to that. But what I hear you saying is I'm not looking towards version bk. I'm supposed to be looking towards Christ. And he is my picture. Yep. He is the one. Speaker 2 (45:13):Well, and like you said, in one way, Speaker 1 (45:15):It's not a version of me, it's a version of Speaker 2 (45:16):Him. And in one way you're looking yourself only the other way you're looking at him. Yeah. Good stuff. So why don't we give them their new Speaker 1 (45:26):We're done already. Speaker 2 (45:27):Yep. Oh Speaker 1 (45:28):Man. I wanna keep going. Speaker 2 (45:30):All right. Well, they can keep Speaker 1 (45:32):Going. Okay. Let this growth start. So we thought it would be fun, since we kicked this off this new year with coming at you every week we thought every month we would add a new growth spurt section to the end of our podcast. And so what we mean is for four weeks, it will basically stay the same. And so we called it a growth spurt because we wanna encourage you guys this year to take those extra steps toward growth in your relationship with God, growth in your relationship with your spouse. And so for the month of January, we're going to focus on building trust and building integrity Speaker 2 (46:11):By doing what you say you Speaker 1 (46:13):Will, by doing what you say you will. And it kind of goes into that whole new year commitment thing. I know people do resolutions and things like that, so we wanna kind of tag along for this month, but we want to encourage you guys to do what you say you will Speaker 2 (46:27):Do. Let your yes be yes and no. And Speaker 1 (46:30):This is the first step towards getting rid of that discrepancy in your life. If you're someone that struggles in a specific area with discrepancy, let this be one action that you can take to try and close that gap. So it's really easy. You just get a note card or post it, put it somewhere where you're going to see it every day and write an area or a sentence on it or whatever a word, whatever you think is going to help you remember something that you struggle to commit to and just make a commitment to do it. Do you wanna give a couple of examples just that will be easy Speaker 2 (47:07):For husband's, wives? I mean, I'm sure there's a lot of people that are committing to diets and exercise. If you say you're going to get up up you give an example of if you say you're going to do something with your kids, do it. I told Wyatt tonight, he always wants us to snuggle him. And I said, I can't tonight. And then usually I say, and he's like, well, can you do it tomorrow night? And I'll say, maybe. But tonight I was like, Wyatt, I will. Speaker 1 (47:33):So now you gotta stick to that Speaker 2 (47:34):And I'm going to stick to Speaker 1 (47:35):Aaron. We know what Aaron's going to write on his little post-it note. Okay. Another one might be like, if you say you're going to be home at this time, be home at this time. If you say you're going to, Speaker 2 (47:43):That's a big one in marriages, I think it Speaker 1 (47:46):Could be. Yeah. Yeah, it might be. Anyways, you guys get the idea. This is to encourage you with doing what you say and closing that gap on discrepancy. Awesome. The last thing that we wanna do, which we always have done, which we love doing with you guys, is closing out with a prayer. So please join me, us. Dear Lord, thank you for our lives. Thank you for this new year, and thank you for all of the opportunities you will give us this year to grow, to love, and to honor you. We pray we would be paying attention to the ways in which your Holy Spirit is leading us throughout each day. Please help us tune our ears and our hearts to hear your voice. We pray we would take seriously the commitments we make and strive to live with integrity. We pray we would understand who we are in you, and may our choices reflect our belief that you are transforming us. When we realize a discrepancy in our lives, please show us the way to reconcile how we feel and what we choose to do. Lord, please help us to walk uprightly, to honor our marriage and to fulfill your purpose for us. In Jesus' name, amen.   Connect With UsInstagram | @marriageaftergodInstagram | @unveiledwifeInstagram | @husbandrevolutionCheck out our marriage resources!SponsorsGet our new book The Marriage Gift - 365 prayers for your marriage!

January 6th, 2023, will be our 16th Wedding Anniversary. And with that, we wanted to share 16 of the best pieces of marriage advice and marriage tips we have learned along the way. These pieces of marriage advice have revolutionized our marriage in many ways, and some of them even played a large part in saving our marriage from divorce.Please let us know which piece of advice was your favorite by leaving us a podcast review. A summary of our marriage tips.Pray, A lot!Most likely, you are the one who is wrong.We are finite, limited creatures.Take the next right stepYou and your spouse are on the same teamYour spouse is your type.We are both sinners, and we both need JesusThe Gospel heals allNever talk badly about your spouse in front of others, especially to family. They don't forgetYou and your spouse are on the inside, and everyone else is on the outside. (boundaries0Have fun MORE with each other.Schedule a consistent date night.Have close married friendsNever stop learning about your spouseLearn to forgive quicklyHave children together or adopt!PRAYER FOR YOUR MARRIAGEDear Lord, Thank You for our marriage. Thank You for the opportunities you give us every day to love each other well. We pray we would be wise couples who cling to truth. We pray we would listen to sound marriage advice and apply it. We pray you would continue to mature us and shape our marriage relationship. Increase our ability to love and be known by each other. When fear or doubt creeps into our minds, we pray Your truth will cover us with peace. Please use our marriage to bless each other and use us as a team to bring you glory as we support and encourage other marriages around us.In Jesus’ name AMEN! READ TRANSCRIPTJennifer (00:09):Hi, and welcome to the Marriage After God podcast. Aaron (00:12):We're your hosts Aaron Jennifer Smith. Jennifer (00:13):We have been married 15 years and have five sweet children who are growing up way too fast. Aaron (00:18):We love God and we love marriage, Jennifer (00:20):And we love to be honest about it Aaron (00:21):All. Marriage is not always a walk in the park, but we do believe it has a powerful purpose. So Jennifer (00:26):Our goal here is to open up the conversation to talk about our faith and our marriage, Aaron (00:30):Especially in light of the gospel. Jennifer (00:32):We certainly don't have all the answers, but if you stick around, we may just make you Aaron (00:35):Laugh. But our hope is to encourage you to chase boldly after God's purpose for your life together. Jennifer (00:39):This is after God. Aaron (00:47):Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of the Marriage After God podcast. I'm Aaron Smith. I'm Jennifer (00:52):Jennifer . I'm Jennifer. Aaron (00:55):I'm Jennifer (00:56):Jennifer. I'm Jennifer. Now. I don't know what my regular is at calling. I'm Jennifer. Aaron (01:01):And we're back for another episode. Episode 12. This is the last episode of season six. Jennifer (01:05):We made it Aaron (01:08):Thinking Made what? . Well, it's not Jennifer (01:10):Easy. This is a big deal for Aaron and I jumping back into podcasting. But we love it and we were already starting to talk about what's up for next season, which will come out early spring. Aaron (01:21):And I'm always like, babe, I wanna get all new equipment. I want to redo our push. She's like, the content's more important. I'm like, . You're right. It's Jennifer (01:28):True though. They're all agreeing with me right now. They are. Okay. So in today's episode, we are going to share our top 10, just kidding, 16 bits of advice we have learned over the 16 years we've been married. Aaron (01:42):One, I did one for each Jennifer (01:43):Year. No, it's great. Okay. It makes sense. I don't know why I said 10. I think it's Cuz most things are like a top 10 Yeah. Thing. But Aaron (01:51):This is 16. It's even, it's six better, Jennifer (01:54):Yeah. Aaron (01:54):16 years. Jennifer (01:55):I think I added one at the bottom. So maybe 17.  Aaron (01:59): a bonus. Jennifer (02:00):It's really how to do all of them. Okay. You'll see. Okay. But before we do that, we must give you our sponsor update. So Aaron and I have written many books, Marriage Resources for You, actually, not even just marriage prayer resources for your son and daughter, for your husband and wife. We have devotionals. We Aaron (02:25):Are praying for your future husband and future wife, Jennifer (02:28):For anyone listening that might Aaron (02:29):Be engaged or know someone engaged. Jennifer (02:32):We also have some traditionally published books, including The Unveiled Wife, which is the beginning of our marriage story and what God walked us through and marriage after God, which is all about your purpose for your marriage. And the reason I'm telling you all of this is because 2023 is right around the corner. And some people like to start off with a bang and start off with something in their hands to encourage them every day to grow closer to God or grow close, closer to their spouse or to their children. And start off the new year. Right? Start off the new year with something tangible to encourage and inspire and move you forward. Right? So move you forward. Move you forward. No, I said it right. So yeah, I just wanted to let you guys know that there are a handful of resources out there for you, from us. Aaron, why don't you tell them where they can get them. Aaron (03:23):You can go to shop dot marriage after god.com and you can get all those books that we wrote. These books. Because when we started this ministry started this business, our thought was we didn't want to just create any old product, something to support ourselves. We wanted to actually produce something Jennifer (03:39):That met a need Aaron (03:40):That and was meaningful and transformative and purposeful. And that's what we did with these books is we wanted to inspire your prayer life. We wanted to get you into a daily devotional. And we used marriage for the most part as the focus of all that to draw you closer to God and to your spouse. And so if you wanna support this ministry, if you wanna support this podcast go pick up a book and tell someone about it. If you already have our books, we just wanna say thank you because you've there. There's so many people that have gotten our books and have told us what they've meant to them. And we just wanna thank you for that. So if you already do have the book or one of our books, get another one of our books maybe. Or tell someone about 'em a big way to support the ministry as well, Jennifer (04:23):Or to go another step grab husband and wife after God and tell another couple to get husband and wife after God or get it for them. And then you guys go through it together. And then once a week or once every other week, talk about it. We've Aaron (04:38):Actually had a lot of marriages start small home groups with our devotionals. And I think that would be an amazing thing to do. Last episode, we talked a lot about getting close with other believers, getting in community. This is a great way to start that. Yeah. Jennifer (04:54):Because you have a purpose. You have something to work with. To align Aaron (04:57):With. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, that was it. Topic today, 16, Jennifer (05:03):Moving right along Aaron (05:04):16 years and 16 little bits of advice. Jennifer (05:10):Although when I was going through this list that we've made there was one that came very early on in the marriage that you did not put on here. It's the one that stands out to me. Should we one of these? No, I don't wanna replace any of 'em because it's kind of funny doesn't, not real advice, but maybe it is for some. Oh, what is Aaron (05:27):It? Just, we'll start off with this. Jennifer (05:29):It was a newlywed piece of advice. Someone says to us, if you're going to fight naked, oh yeah. Do you remember that? Yes. Somebody really told us this. And Aaron (05:39):We've had many fights. , naked. I was going to say it. You, Jennifer (05:44):You're like, don't do it. But is it too much to say that there was a time in the beginning of our marriage where it became a joke? It was a joke. I Aaron (05:53):Know. It was also serious. So whoever came up with that advice, didn't know how stubborn someone could be. It didn't matter how naked you are, you could be holding on. You're like, no. Okay. Not Jennifer (06:05):Giving in. Anyways. Hopefully some of you are Aaron (06:07):Fight naked. Yeah, right now. That's the only advice we got for all of our 16 years. Jennifer (06:15):It's not what it's It's brought us this far. Aaron (06:16):It's brought us this far. Guys, . Jennifer (06:19):All right. On a serious note coming in. Oh yep. Coming in at number one, Aaron (06:25): number one. And if you have been following us for any length of time, you should know this one. And the first tip, it is Jennifer (06:35):The most important one. Aaron (06:37):It is the most important Jennifer (06:38):One. Aaron (06:39):Now I beg, should we have put it at the end? Nope. Nope. We're going to just start right off with it. Pray Jennifer (06:45):A lot, A lot. Exclamation mark. Aaron (06:48):Yeah. This is not like, thank you Lord for the food, which you should pray for your food. You should thank Lord for your food. I'm saying pray for everything. It should be so common in your marriage that it is not an awkward, weird thing for you. Would you agree? Jennifer (07:02):Yeah, of course. We have friends of ours who they live outta state, not in our state. And whenever we are in conversation with them, they talk about how they in that week we're knelt down on the floor, face down, crying before the Lord in prayer for each other or for their family. And they had a lot of challenges with just their family and they went through a lot of adoption and stuff with their kids. That was just hard. But I was always encouraged when I heard that their response to it all is prayer, was not just prayer, but they're on their knees, they're face down, praying to the Lord, plea petitioning for his help and support. And then they'd have these wild stories of how God spoke to them or used someone else to encourage them or sent something that they needed and covered things. And it was just, I don't know why that just came to my mind and really inspired me. So I wanted to share Aaron (08:02):It and not just praying when it's hard. I think that's often where we end up in prayer is we're in a hard thing. But pray for everything. Pray with your kids for the good things. Be vocal in front of your wife and in front of your spouse about the things that are on your heart before the Lord. Some notes I have here is regularly going before God with your spouse, for your spouse helps grow you and your spouse. You get to communicate with each other to God. And something that's really neat about that is when you're pla praying out loud, often your spouse gets to hear things that are in inside your heart that have not come out yet. Things that you're concerned about, things that you care about, things that you wanna lift to the Lord. Jennifer (08:54):So there's a revealing, a knowing, proc Aaron (08:57):It. It's exactly what it is. The Bible talks a lot about this being known by God or rather or says knowing God or rather being known by God. It's a powerful thing. So when you're doing this with your spouse, it adds a immensely deep spiritual layer to the knowledge you have of your spouse and with your spouse. Jennifer (09:18):And the more consistent you do it, the easier it becomes. And I just wanted say that because I think sometimes our flesh gets in the way or it feels uncomfortable to pray together. But the more you practice, the more you do, the easier it does become. And I was just thinking as we were talking about prayer, I was thinking about Edie lately. She's just been jumping on the tail end of anyone's prayer. Thank you God for everything. Aaron (09:41):Yeah. She wants to pray every time. And I love it. So prayer, pray a lot make it easier. And I don't wanna put another ad, but I'm one of the reasons we wrote 31 prayers for my Husband through one prayers for my wife is to help in this area, is to be a catalyst and inspiration for your prayer life. To inspire the types of things that you could, should be desired to be praying about. Which Jennifer (10:04):I really like. I really like the subtitle for those books. It's seeing God move in his heart, seeing God move in her heart. Aaron (10:11):Because you're intentionally looking for God to move. You're like, okay, God, which I love. Yeah, I love that. What's number two? Jennifer (10:17):Number two, Aaron (10:18):Tip two, advice two, little snippet. Jennifer (10:21):Most likely always no . Most likely you are the one who is wrong. Aaron (10:27):Okay, let me reiterate that. So this only goes for those that are listening. Most likely you are the one who is wrong. Okay. Ouch. Think about it. But both of you're looking at each other right now. No, I'm talking to you when you fight, when you're in an argument whether or not you think you're Jennifer (10:48):Right. Okay. Even if it's not a fight or an argument, maybe it's a way of doing something like loading the dishwasher. Aaron (10:54):No, don't throw Jennifer (10:56):That in. No, no. I'm just saying cuz it's funny because Aaron (10:58):Usually I'm right when it comes to the Jennifer (11:00):Dishwasher. Aaron thinks I lo the dishwasher wrong and he comes behind me and fixes it. But I'm being completely honest, I'm not, what I'm saying is Aaron (11:06):I'm being completely honest. That's an objective thing I can bring, bring someone in and we'll evaluate or ways of, I'm Jennifer (11:12):Just kidding. I'm just saying it's not always a fighter an argument. Sometimes it's just a way of being or a thought pattern or a habit. You Aaron (11:18):Know what I mean? Yeah. The advice is specifically in a fight or an argument when there's strife. Strife, yeah. When you're walking in strife, it doesn't even matter if you are right. We're called not to walk in strife. Strife is a flesh response. Jennifer (11:35):We're called to be peacemakers. Aaron (11:36):It's sin. So I often, Jennifer and I will be, if we're having a disagreement and I could just feel the Holy Spirit telling me, why are you fighting? Why are you disagree? Why are you filled? Why are you all browed up, Aaron? And I'm like, I'm wrong. I'm wrong. Jennifer (11:55):Then why does it take you so long to tell me that ? I don't know, Jennifer. I don't know. Aaron (12:01):But most likely you're the wrong one who's wrong? And here's the benefit of knowing this. If you both think this man, there'll be much less fights. And if there is a argument, it'll be way shorter. Cuz it'll be so much quicker to be like, Hey, I'm so sorry. I'm wrong. Which is a pretty good way to diffuse any bite. True. I'm wrong. Yeah. That's what I've been trying to say, Jennifer (12:26):. All right. Number three, we are finite limited creatures. Yes we are. Aaron (12:31):We did a podcast about this, I think in season one. Jennifer (12:35):I think we've hit it in every season actually in different ways Aaron (12:38):Because it matters. We forget so quickly how incapable we are of doing everything we want to do. Jennifer, do you have 50 things currently always running through you? The list of your mind always that you wanna do right now? Yes. That you can't do? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Always. We're finite. And the reason this is a good bit of advice for you in your marriage is twofold. If you wife or husband, I'm not going to say who more regularly. They're Jennifer (13:07):Both wrong. So Aaron (13:08):Yeah, they're both wrong than better. Have this list of things that you want to do. It doesn't matter what they are. And you don't realize that you can't possibly do all of it either right now or in the near fu future, but yet you pursue 'em. You're going to push your family and your spouse burnout in a way that's unhealthy and impossible to deal with. Jennifer (13:34):And then you will also meet the devastating effect of unmet expectation and disappointment Aaron (13:44):Every time. But if you recognize, so a piece of advice that gets attached to this device is if you want something, let's say you wanna learn a new skill. I want to play guitar. Jennifer, you want, you're learning guitar Jennifer (13:58):When you get a chance, I want to learn guitar. It's one of the things on the list. Aaron (14:02):It's going to take a sacrifice somewhere else because you can't do that. And everything else you have on your list currently. Jennifer (14:08):That's true. Aaron (14:09):Now that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. And that doesn't mean there's not something on your list that you should get rid of . Because often we fill our time with things that we want to be doing. So if there is something that we wanna do, if there's something that you wanna do with your spouse, then you gotta be real. And you gotta evaluate the things that you're currently doing, the things that you currently fill your time with. And you gotta pick and choose. And that's just a reality is you're a finite limited creature that if you wanna do something over here, then something over there has to give. Yeah. And that's just the reality of Jennifer (14:42):Life. I watched something and they were talking about how we have all these things that we wanna do and because it's our desire to do them, we do pieces of them here, here, but then we start, we'll never do anything. But we never actually do the things that we want. We never, same thing. It's never completed or brought to, there's no closure in it because we didn't ever do it fully. We just did a piece of it. And then we run ourselves into the ground and we're tired and emotionally spent because we're trying to do a million things at once. And the encouragement was if there's something that you can do everything, maybe not. So just do one everything time as long as you do one thing at a time. And so take the first thing that you really wanna accomplish and just focus on that one thing until it's done. And so maybe that also will help bring perspective into this. Aaron (15:31):Yeah. Jennifer (15:32):Point. Good. Yeah. Aaron (15:34):Okay, number four, tip number four. Something that we learned and currently still have to learn all the time. It's Jennifer (15:41):Like an everyday thing. Aaron (15:42):Take the next right step. And what that means is we make a mistake. We said the wrong thing again, we dropped the ball in this area of our marriage, whatever it is, you fill in the blank, you mistepped, right? There's lots of things, what the enemy wants to do, what our flesh wants to do. Sometimes what our spouse says even is like, well you're never going to change. You're just never, you're always going to be at the same. This is who you are. Jennifer (16:17):Or shut down or run away. Aaron (16:20):And instead of doing the next right thing, we do another wrong thing. And the advice is when we fall, we stand up and we say, okay, I may not be able to take back that thing that I just did that misstep, but I can at least try and take the next right step. And what it does is it, it's how the believers believers should walk is that we just keep moving forward. Jennifer (16:49):Is that next right step? Even if we know that it's right, going to feel hard. Aaron (16:54):Yes. Yeah. Cuz sometimes we have some pretty serious consequences to decisions we make, but we don't want, back when I used to be addicted to certain things and had certain sin habits, one thing would happen and I say, well, I might as well do the next thing because I did that one thing and I convinced myself that I should just keep going. That's taking the next wrong step. Jennifer (17:21):Justification for Aaron (17:23):What you do to continuing and sin. So the point is the advice. Don't take that thing you did wrong and make it as an excuse to do another wrong thing. Jennifer (17:33):So how do you filter through your choices and say, okay, this is the next right step. Aaron (17:39):So let's say I lied to you, which I don't, but let's say I did. I don't lie again. I say, okay, I lied. I can't take the lie back. I can reveal that I lied. That's the next right thing. I can repent of that lie. That's the next right thing. I can let my wife know that I'm going to not lie to her again. That's the next right thing. I'm going to continue to pray about why I lied and what led me to that lie. That's the next right thing. But not saying something, that's not the next right thing. That's the next wrong thing. Trying to cover it up. That's the next wrong thing. Trying to justify it. That's the next wrong thing. Trying to minimize it. That's the next wrong thing. So just doing the next right thing, even no matter how hard. Jennifer (18:25):So I feel like you kind of simplified a very intense internal dialogue that one would have after sinning. And so I guess to back it up even further, what place spiritually does a person need to be in to even fill those convictions or understand that process of thought of how you just went through it? Aaron (18:45):I don't know. Jennifer (18:46):Because isn't that the most important thing? I think that to know what the right step is, Aaron (18:50):Well being in the word of God and listening to the Holy Spirit and feeling that conviction from the Lord and just not compounding the wrong things. Because we're going to make mistakes and just know that we're going to make mistakes. But let's not want to make more mistakes because we made right mistakes. Jennifer (19:10):And allow yourself to enter into that place where you're having a conversation with yourself. Oh man, I just messed up. This is the trajectory I wanna go. This is how to get there instead of avoiding that whole thing because it feels hard. Yeah. Yeah. Aaron (19:26):What's piece of advice? Number five? Jennifer (19:28):Number five, you and your spouse are on the same team. This is a good one. And you actually say this out loud, especially when we're going through a hard time or if we are not on the same page about something or mm-hmm. Strife. Yep. They're strife. You're very quick to call out, Hey remember we're on the same team. I've always appreciated that about you. Aaron (19:49):Sometimes I say it with an attitude. Jennifer (19:51):Yeah. But you believe it. and it's con, I believe, and it's convincing. Aaron (19:54):But the power of remembering you're on the same team is, I mean you, everyone's heard the adage divided and conquer. And the Bible even says that a city divided against itself cannot stand a marriage that's divided, cannot stand. If you're constantly thinking, I'm against her, she could. She's against me. We're not on the same page. We're not on the same team. Not going to No, you're not going to win. Yeah. You, you've already lost. Yeah. But you remind yourselves, you're on a team man, that that'll motivate and change every decision you make in your life when you're having, you are having strife, you'll remember, man, I'm angry, but I need to work on how angry I am right now. Cause I don't wanna be angry with my teammate. Yeah. She's my partner, she's my friend, she's my wife. Jennifer (20:40):And to know that you'll be so ineffective. Aaron (20:42):Oh yeah. So knowing you're on the same team, it keeps you it safe in spiritual attack. It's a so much a safer place to be. Even when it comes from the attacks from the world, maybe outside relationships who knows? You name it. Being on the same team makes life so much safer, better Jennifer (21:02):And funner and more powerful, emotionally more stable. Just encouraged. Aaron (21:06):Yeah. You name it all around. Jennifer (21:08):All benefit. Good. Aaron (21:09):Yeah. Oh, especially in parenting. Oh yeah. Oh man. Team, you Jennifer (21:13):Have to be on Aaron (21:14):Team. You have to have the same team. Team. Oh man. Okay. Number six, your spouse. Okay, I have to build this up. Your spouse is your type. Jennifer (21:29):This Aaron (21:29):Seems Jennifer (21:29):Obvious. Who you're attracted to. Aaron (21:31):Yeah. Just, okay Jennifer (21:35):Explain. Aaron (21:35):A friend of mine, Ryan Frederick from fierce marriage.com, he wrote an article about this years ago just talking about how your spouse, he talked about his wife being his standard of beauty. Okay. But that goes both ways. Not just attractiveness, but everything. The kind of man that I am, my hobbies, my things that I enjoy, that's your type. There is no other person out. There's not another man out there that is going to fit your type better than I me. And what I'm saying by this is that's how we should see ourselves. There is no other girl out there for me. There is no other type of woman. There is no other standard of beauty. But you are my standard. There is no, so what that does is if I see a beautiful woman out in public, it doesn't matter. I'll be like, oh, that's not my wife. My wife is beautiful. Jennifer (22:28):Okay. I was just, my question was going to be, is this advice for the person who is thinking, Aaron (22:37):Well, many Jennifer (22:38):Different, well, I guess Aaron (22:39):It's for both many different levels. There could be a lot of discontentment in a marriage of why can't my husband be more like so and Jennifer (22:46):So? Okay, so comparison. Aaron (22:48):Why can't my wife be more like, yeah. Jennifer (22:50):But then there's also the insecurity of one person and how they think their spouse views them. So it's for Aaron (22:57):Both. And then on a deeper, more sinful level, someone who's unsatisfied in their relationship and is looking mm-hmm. Right. For something else like, oh, I'm not satisfied with this person. They should be something else because there's this other person over here that does this and looks like this and sounds like this and that. But our spouse, Jennifer, are my standard of beauty and everything that a woman is to me and vice versa. I am your standard. Jennifer (23:24):This which, okay, go ahead. No, you go ahead. I was going to say continually changes because we're changing. We're constantly changing. And so your standard of beauty for me is increases as I increase with mm-hmm. age and knowledge and Oh, Aaron (23:40):I saw the beauty, speaking of what you just said, sorry, I, my Jennifer (23:43):Body. Yeah. Aaron (23:44):I saw the sweetest. It was a post someone did on Insta on Instagram. And it showed this vile person saying how if their wife ever let their themselves go after marriage, he would leave her. But then it goes from that statement to a guy saying, I'm a photographer. And my wife asked me one time that, why don't I edit her pictures of pictures of her, the way I edit other people's pictures. And I was so confused by it. And she says, well, you get rid of all their flaws and you make them look perfect. And he said, and he, he's thinking, he's thinking. He's like, then I realized I don't edit. I don't do that with her because I don't see those flaws. Everything I see in her I see is our history as everything that's happened to her, all the changes are because we have children together and be because, so it's all those things that she sees as flaws I see as symbols of my love for her. (24:36):Mm-hmm. Is everything that she means to me. Good. And he was crying and I was so good. And that's what made me think of this is that over time we do change. And we don't have a previous standard of like, well you once were this way and you've just lost it. No, you currently are my standard abuse and I love you and I love everything about you. And that doesn't mean that we can't in desire transformation for each other or better men in any areas. But all that to say your spouse is your standard. And as long as we keep that in mind, it actually protects us from a lot of temptations. And also and feeling inadequate. And it goes back to what we talked about last episode, of constantly wanting to affirm our spouse in their beauty, in their character, and all of those things that are good and beautiful and that we love. So Jennifer (25:25):Good. Yeah. What number are we on? Oh seven. We are both sinners and we both need Jesus every Aaron (25:33):Day. No, some of us need more Jesus than others. No, that's the point of this is we're both sinners and we both need Jesus. I think a lot of the times we might calculate, I should say, or evaluate our own shortcomings, our own sins. Much more different than we evaluate our spouses. So like, oh yeah, sure, I've done this, but you did this and this and this. Hold Jennifer (26:02):On, they're going to think I talked to you like that. Aaron (26:04):No, I'm mimicking some other family, not you at all. So no, I'm not mimicking you, I'm just, but that's kind of what we do. We have this dialogue with ourselves of well sure, cuz no one's going to say they're perfect. Maybe someone does. But sure I have this thing over here. But that thing you do, that's the thing that is more important to focus on. And we're going to pick at that. And again, this doesn't mean that we can't call out sin each other and that we shouldn't do that. But it's seeing clearly, Jennifer (26:35):I think there's a reality too that of knowing that you are going to mess up, you're going to make mistakes, you're going to fail, you are going to hurt me at times and I'm going to do that too. And there's going to be times that we walk down some hard roads because of choices that we make. And we need to be able to give each other grace. And we can only do do that if we have received grace from Jesus. Aaron (26:59):And also realizing, man, my wife needs Jesus. I love you and I'm going to pray for you and I wanna give you that grace and mercy that you need cuz that's what I want. And then it goes back to that scripture that where Jesus talks about the plank eye, often we feel like we can see so clearly in our spouse's eyes, the sin that they have without clearly looking inward at our own. And so it helps shape our perspectives of our spouse , when we see clearly of our own. What happened? Jennifer (27:33):What did I say? No, if I wasn't listening, I'm sorry. Oh, I had this Aaron (27:39):Man, it must have been real good what I was sharing. I'm just kidding. Jennifer (27:42):No, but that picture of Oprah where she says you're a winner and they're a winner. We're all winners car for you A coffee . Okay. But I'm like, you're a sinner. I'm a sinner. We're all sinner . Sorry. Aaron (27:52):It's pretty true. Okay. Jennifer (27:54):I'm really sorry. Aaron (27:55):Essentially, it's just No, it's good. It's just shaping our perspectives of each other. Seeing clearly that I am fully capable of working on my own sin and singing inwardly and having a good evaluation and judge so that I can with love and patience, do that for you as well. And that we both knowing, just always remembering we both need Jesus. Jennifer (28:15):I feel like number eight's kind of the same Aaron (28:18):Kind of, well we gave a 17th anyway. So this goes into number eight. The gospel heals all Jennifer (28:29):And always and all the times. Aaron (28:31):Yes, we need Jesus. I know we were talking about that. But this goes into how we do it. This idea of that we become a gospel centric marriage. That we recognize that in every aspect. So if it comes to our parenting, we need more gospel. We need to know that God's transforming us and we need him to work in us so that we can be good parents. Jennifer (28:55):And same with our kids. He's transforming them. Aaron (28:57):They need the gospel also. They need to know that Jesus loves them, that he died for them, that their sins are forgiven and washed away by hit the blood of the cross of Christ. And that we're to belief. And what that means is, so the gospel hills all is that if we operate in our marriage with a workspace mentality, that's not a gospel based mentality. What that means is, until you've done X, until you've done Y, until you've done Z, Jennifer (29:28):Then I'll love you. Or then I'll do this, then I'll do that. Aaron (29:31):Well, yeah, whatever it is or yeah, until you've done this, until you've earned it. But that's not how the gospel works. The gospel believe Jennifer (29:38):Gospel unconditional. Aaron (29:40):So if we go into our relationships with that mentality, if we go into our marriage with the gospel at the center of it, then we realize what our spouse needs more of as the gospel. What we need more of is the gospel. The reason we have this disagreement is because one of us, or both of us are not believing the gospel. We're believing a lie about something or believing we we're owed something. And so it goes back to like, man, I'm not owed anything. Christ gave everything and I can give nothing. Jennifer (30:10):We've experienced a lot of situations in our marriage where there's fi, fighting or disagreement and we're just kind of at each other. And then it takes hours of processing and dialogue and well, what about this? And then you said that. But always when it comes back down to the root cause of whatever the thing is, it's always some thing we're wrestling with some lie that we've believed, some insecurity that we have or a sin problem that Aaron (30:45):We've let Jennifer (30:47):Permeate into our way of being that came out and disrupted life. And that we've had so many moments where we both have encouraged each other to look toward the gospel. Hey, remember? And part of the reconciliation is believing again, what is true? Aaron (31:08):So the gospel, number nine, Jennifer (31:11):Never talk bad about your spouse in front of others, especially to family. Because they don't forget. Aaron (31:17):They don't, Jennifer (31:18):I think we forget that in marriage we're constantly having these interactions and things happening and then we get over them. Or we have a moment of reconciliation and things are fleeting and we're with each other. We chose each other. We are in the day, day out of it all. And when we sidestep and have conversations with others, whether it be family or friends or whoever, and we talk about each other in a negative light that forms an opinion in those other people, those listeners, and they don't get the same process of reconciliation of what happened. They're not a part of that intimacy. So then they're just left with it. Aaron (32:06):Well, and it paints a picture for the person you're talking to. It doesn't portray your spouse as Christ would portray them. And Jennifer (32:19):It's maybe not even how you see them because it's done in emotional distress. Aaron (32:25):An example would be like, man, my wife's always nagging me. That's a very negative thing. Let's say your wife is nagging you. This is not how you're going to fix that. Going and talking is telling someone that all you've done is made your wife an enemy and made your person you're talking to think of them as an enemy, Jennifer (32:44):Left a reputation Aaron (32:45):Mark. Yeah. You're trying and this is what's, what's so destructive about it. You go do that. Going back to a few tips ago where we're on the same team, all you're doing is tearing your own team apart. All you're doing is making your own team weaker. It doesn't make you look any better. It doesn't make you any stronger. Nothing. All it does is make you weaker. Talking about this. And I wanna make one little caveat. This is not to say that you should never go seek counsel on hard things in your marriage when you go to someone that you trust and that lets Jennifer (33:17):You, I think people know the difference between how you're talking about someone. Yes, Aaron (33:21):Yeah, I'm struggling. Yes, this thing happened. I feel like my wife was being mean. Or I feel like my husband said this thing. That's not the same thing as, man, I really don't like so-and-so. Or they always do this y z or I mean, if you've done it, you've done it. And you know what? It sounds like Jennifer (33:36):There's a very respectful way to talk about a situation that you need help with or prayer for Aaron (33:41):Versus Yeah. One is, I love my spouse and I want this situation reconciled. The other is, I hate my spouse and I'm going to say this mean thing about them. Those are the two perspectives. So never talk bad about your spouse in front of others, especially to family, which that trickles into number 10. This was a big one. We had to learn early on. It was very difficult. And I know a lot of marriages, this is, people deal with this. This is a big deal to a Jennifer (34:07):Lot of marriages. This is about boundaries. Aaron (34:08):This is about boundaries. You and your spouse, this is the advice. You and your spouse are on the inside and everyone else is on the outside. Jennifer (34:17):Meaning when it comes to friends, anyone who's not your spouse, Aaron (34:25):That even your kids, Jennifer (34:27):Your spouse comes first. Aaron (34:29):Well, you and your spouse are the ones who dictate how your home operates Jennifer (34:35):Home. No one else. Life, all of it. Aaron (34:37):My mom does not get to come in and say, you should do this, you should do this, you should do this. She can give advice all she wants. That's all it is. Jennifer (34:43):I feel like you're saying it kind Aaron (34:45):Of harsh. I'm sorry, nothing's happened recently. I'm just saying, I'm just trying to be strong with this because there are some people that have allowed other extramarital human beings to Jennifer (34:55):Have way too much influence in not Aaron (34:57):Just influence what's going on. They have more say than their spouse does. And it has been, it's destructive. It's completely, utterly destructive. Remember going back to your team, that's not a team. What you've done is you've, you say you're a team and you're bringing in this outsource outside source Jennifer (35:14):To defend your point or Aaron (35:16):To be on your side. And that is so destructive. No one, no one, but you and your spouse are in charge of what go with the say that happens in your home and how it Jennifer (35:28):Operates. So what Aaron's trying to say is it's good to have wise counsel. Absolutely. Advice, encouragement, people sharing things. I mean, we talk about this all the time, how good it is to be in community and have family and friends who can see what's going on in your life and marriage and parenting and to speak into that. But what he's saying is, when it comes to you and your spouse making decisions for your family, that comes from you two being on the same page. Aaron (35:56):No one else. And so everything else is in unified invited. Yes. Like, hey, we we're going to take your advice that you just gave us and and my wife will evaluate that. So that's number Jennifer (36:09):10. All right. Number 11. Have fun more with each other. . Have fun. Have lots of fun. Be silly. Play, laugh, dance. Why? Aaron (36:20):Because we need fun. Jennifer (36:23):Our bodies were biologically made to respond to humor. Well and memes. No, Aaron (36:31):It's so important. If we're not having fun, I think something's wrong. If we're irritable all the time, bored all the time with each other, we don't get excited around each other. There's gotta be changed. Jennifer (36:46):It sounds like someone needs to play the tortilla game. Aaron (36:48):We need to do the tortilla slap game. I'm going to do that. But number 11, that's a simple one. We don't have much to go with it. But be playful and go. Going back to what I said a little while ago about don't punish the things you not repeated. Don't punish Jennifer (37:03):If your spouse is repeat. If your spouse is trying to be fun with you, don't reject it. Aaron (37:07):Yeah. Be fun back with them. Be more fun back with them. Surprise them. That I would surprise you probably if I played with you cuz you go play with me. That would surprise me. I usually am Jennifer (37:17):Actually, there have been times where you come up and you're trying to dance with me or be romantic cuz that kind of thing. But I'm so caught off guard. I'm like, what are you doing? Aaron (37:25):Well you need to work. Workout it too. Yeah, let's have more fun. Jennifer (37:28):Okay, number 12, I'll do this one. I beat. Yeah, Aaron (37:31):I will do it. 12. Schedule a consistent date night. This is a big deal. Now this doesn't mean if you aren't even capable of getting a couple dates in a row and that that's not the end of the world. Jennifer (37:44):Well it's really how you define a date. Cuz you don't have to go out and spend money or do something. Aaron (37:49):Well, it's an intentional, it's Jennifer (37:50):Being Aaron (37:50):Intentional. A long time with your spouse outside of the home. I would say. Yeah, sometimes you can for a walk. Yeah, you can for a walk. But having it consistent, so the moment we put it on the calendar, Jennifer (37:59):It Aaron (38:00):Happens. It happens way more than it did when we didn't have it on the calendar. Jennifer (38:03):It's definitely a game changer when you have kids, when you start having kids, Aaron (38:07):You gotta schedule that man. Jennifer (38:08):You Aaron (38:08):Got to . Like if it ain't scheduled, it ain't happen on. So it also because it's on the calendar, because it's on the front of your mind. Because we know, oh on this day we're going to have day. It actually heightens your excitement. Jennifer (38:22):You look forward to Aaron (38:23):It. Yeah. You're like, oh, you have something to look forward to. Midweek or whatever it is. So scheduling it, making it consistent. What it does is it means that, let's say you have a season where you can't be going on those dates, sickness, traveling, whatever it is, Jennifer (38:38):It's still going to happen. Aaron (38:39):It's still going to happen. And you're not thinking, I don't remember the last time we went on a date was you're thinking like, oh, I can't wait for the next time we go on a Jennifer (38:46):Date. Some things we love to utilize dates for, especially cuz we have five kids at home and they're getting older and paying attention to every conversation we have is we like to check in with each other. We like to ask how we're doing. We like to dream together and talk about plans for the future and what's working and what's not working and what goals we Aaron (39:04):Have. Almost all of the big things we've done in our life were planned over a date. The house we're in Al almost, I'm pretty sure every single book for the most part was planned over some form of date Jennifer (39:18):Probably. Yeah. I don't know. So Aaron (39:20):I wasn't keeping track. It's pretty amazing. I know number Jennifer (39:22):13, what he is trying to say is amazing. Things happen on date night. Aaron (39:25):Number 13 is probably going to be a hard one for some people. And I don't know why cuz I'm an extrovert, but have, get, grab, make, cultivate, close, married friends Jennifer (39:43):In friendship, Aaron (39:44):Preferably ones who love Jesus. Yeah. This is a non-negotiable people. I can't say it enough. And I know enough people that they will say, I don't have any friends. They will say that almost like it's a trophy. I'm like, that's not a trophy. You need friends. You need people in your life that can come to you and not just you enjoy their company, but they can also tell you when you're being a jerk, they can tell you when, Hey, here's an area in your life you can grow in. And that you could do the same for them. It's such a big deal. I'm not going to, in no small part, in no small way did friends play a role in saving our marriage Jennifer (40:32):Is true. Aaron (40:34):Wasn't the only thing, but it was not the small thing. It was the largest portion of the redemption and restoration of our marriage was close. Christian friends. The benefits of it is you're not alone. And again, some introverts are like, what's wrong with being alone? You're not alone. They remind you, you're not alone. They reach Jennifer (41:04):Out. They support you. Aaron (41:05):They support you. Jennifer (41:07):They give you meals when you're sick, Aaron (41:09):But almost more valuable than those things that they do for you. It makes, it's the ability for you to be a friend, for you to reach out, for you to practice the fruits of the spirit in another person's life. Because often people will say, we've tried and no one will x, Y, z. I'm like, well, are you being the X, y, Z that you want? And a friend the radio station air one always says there's plenty of good nice people or kind people in the world. And if you can't find one, be one. Like be a friend. Be the person you want others to be to you. It's that. That's the golden rule that Jesus teaches is treat others as you'd like to be treated. Have close married friends. This is a non-negotiable you. Your life and marriage will be so much more fruitful and beautiful and powerful and all these good things with good close married Christian friends. Jennifer (42:14):And then what you wanna do is number 12 and 11. So you wanna take, have more Aaron (42:19):Fun? Jennifer (42:20):Do you wanna take those friends? You wanna go on double dates and have more fun together? Yes. Those are some of our favorite dates and memorable moments Aaron (42:28):Together. 13, 12, 11. Yep. Jennifer (42:30):All right. Number 14, never stop learning about your spouse. Never stop studying your spouse. Never stop looking into what they're interested in and get to know them. And Aaron (42:41):This is something that hard for me because I can get so caught up in, not caught up. I'll just say it. Comfortable, lazy. Comfortable. Comfortable. That's so much nicer. Familiar. You familiar? Jennifer (42:52):You Aaron (42:53):Know me. I think I know you are. I I almost more just, I forget to ask how are you doing? What are you learning? But the other day I asked you, I said, what are you learning in the word right now? And you're like, you looked at me. Jennifer (43:06):Well, thank you. I can't. Aaron (43:09):Wow. Jennifer (43:09):I think it had been a while. Aaron (43:10):It had been a while. But you had told me and I trying to remember and I'm trying to, you're growing too. You're even though we're one, you're still a unique individual human being that God's imparting wisdom to and growing and maturing and you're you, you're going through things and you're learning things and you're becoming a older woman. You're not old, but you're becoming an older woman. I'm an older man. You just call me old. No, I said you're not old Jennifer (43:36):Getting Aaron (43:37):Old. But that we would practice. This is a skill that we get to learn over the decades. Jennifer (43:43):Why is it important to know each other in that way? To study each other and to know each other. I'll tell you. Okay. It comes in it handy when you wanna purchase a gift or spoil one another because you already know what that person likes or is interested in. It comes in handy when you're planning date nights or date days because you already know what they've been looking forward to, what they absolutely won't go near. And Aaron (44:11):It gives you ways of encouraging knowing them. So you're like, man, I wanna be growing in this area. It's something I found out about you. I can be like, Hey, you said you wanna be growing this area. How can I help with that? What's ways I can encourage you? Jennifer (44:25):I was going to say prayer. If you know them and you're studying them and you can see without them even explaining to you what they're struggling with or where they're finding success in, you can be praying for those areas. Aaron (44:37):That's real good. Yeah. Keep learning. All right, number 15. All right. This is also a hard one. Could be hard. Learn to forgive quickly. Seriously, Jennifer (44:52):Go. This one took Aaron years to figure out years and I told him every day, can you Aaron (44:58):Forgive me? Is something, it's something we're Jennifer (45:00):All, oh no, I'm sorry. It was saying I'm sorry that that was hard for Aaron (45:05):You. That's the saying. I'm sorry is hard for, do Jennifer (45:07):You remember Aaron (45:07):You forgiving me is what's hard. Jennifer (45:09):Yeah. I totally messed that one up. Aaron, it took you years to say I'm sorry. Even on the silliest of things, man, I do not miss that. Aaron (45:19):Well, yeah, that's another podcast episode Jennifer (45:22):We can talk about. You've grown a lot. Aaron (45:24):So learning to forgive quickly, I just wanna encourage all you listening to go read everything in the New Testament about forgiveness because the Bible is pretty serious about it. We've done some episodes on it, but the quicker you forgive man, the quicker you're back to being on the same page, the quicker you're back to being on the team Jennifer (45:42):And don't do what I did. Don't fool yourself by just saying, I forgive. I forgive you. And because when you don't, because then it just kind of buries itself. I Aaron (45:49):Said, I Jennifer (45:50):Forgive you. It varies itself. You have to stop talking like that. Like me, you guys. I don't talk to him with attitude like Aaron (45:55):That. What's funny is they can hear your voice. Your voice is so much prettier than mine. They know that that's not how you sound. Jennifer (46:01):I hope not. Oh anyways, forgive quickly because it's better for your soul. And there's Aaron (46:07):Last, but definitely not least. And it's also, this is not an extensive list of all of the wisdom that we might have somehow gained over the years. But last one for us. Jennifer (46:19):Well, I'm going to share one at the very end, but go Aaron (46:23):Ahead. We're like at 20. We're not even 20 now. It's like 20. I'm just kidding. Okay, number 16, I'm going to say it and then I'm Jennifer (46:32):Explain. Aaron (46:33):I'm going to explain it Jennifer (46:34):, because it's not straightforward at all. Aaron (46:36):Have children together. . Okay. Someone's like what? Jennifer (46:43):Excuse me. What? . Aaron (46:44):Just listen. Jennifer (46:45):Have children ra raise children together. Aaron (46:48):First of all, children are literally the physical manifestation of two becoming one. Okay? It's both our DNAs, both our images, both our personalities and characters. Both our histories becoming into a new creature, a new creation, a new little person. And I just think that's beautiful and I think that's amazing. Okay. Now, if you can't physically have a baby, cuz I know there are people that this has been a long time prayer and a painful area of their life, that they would love to have children, but they can't. I wanna encourage you to pray about adoption. And to be honest, I'm sure you already are, but this doesn't mean you have to have only biological children have children. One of the most powerful and beautiful things about marriage is that it is between a man and woman. The way God designed it, it's a s, it's the word. (47:47):It's a beautiful, safe Petri dish cultivating little humans that love God. One of the main ministries of a marriage is to when you have children, to raise them to know God, to raise them, to be children who understand the word. And of course trusting the Lord with their salvation, but raising them to know him. Children refine us in a huge way. They refine us. They challenge every aspect of our personality. And faith. And faith. They show us just how selfish we are and make us not be selfish. Children are amazing. They give us an opportunity. This is something that, this was a huge thing. Jennifer mentioned a little bit earlier about how early on in our marriage, we were in this weird place with this idea of having children. But one of the things that God used to capture my heart on this idea of becoming a dad, I prayed and I said, God, I want to be a better teacher and I wanna be able to teach these other marriages about you. (48:59):I need to know you more. And God pointed out to me, he is like, if you want to know me more, there's a sight of me you'll never know unless you become a father. And that was it. I was like, oh, I need to be a dad. If I wanna know more about God, I need to be a father. That wasn't the only thing, but that was it. That was the thing that just went from me being as selfish. I don't wanna have kids because whatever, to like, no, I want children. No, I didn't know how many or whatever just my heart changed in that moment because I wanted to know more of God. And children give you the opportunity to become more like God the Father, the one who has children and treats us as children. They also give us deep and meaningful ministry like Jennifer (49:47):Life purpose, Aaron (49:48):Life purpose. Every Jennifer (49:49):Day I wake up, I know for a matter of fact I've got little ones that rely on me and I have a purpose to serve Aaron (49:56):Them. Yeah. You mothers and fathers out there. I'm just going to say this one. The most important ministry you'll ever have in your entire life is your children. Your first ministry is your spouse, your second, and most important is your children. It you're raising, like we can go across the ocean and preach the gospel to people we don't know. That's good. But we have little people living right here in our home that we're with every day. Are we showing them the gospel with our life and the decisions we make and the way we repent and the like. That's amazing. That's huge. And last but not least, about this idea of having children. The Bible, God tells us that children are a blessing from him. They're a blessing. So Jennifer and I, we want you to be blessed. So if you're contemplating having children, if you are desiring to have children, if it's something that's the, you haven't have any yet, but you're thinking about it, we wanna encourage you to be praying that direction because we want you to be blessed. So I wanted to make that thing. I know that there's some people that can't, but there's always adoption. There's also just your heart to be a mother. Your heart to be a mother is such a huge good thing. So we want to encourage you in that and say, God bless you for that. So that's our 16 ish Jennifer (51:23): Aaron (51:24):Bits Jennifer (51:24):Of advice. The last one that I was going to share is really simple, and you can do it with all of these as you implement them, these forms. It's just be nice. Just be nice, be a nice person, be a nice person be kind. Aaron (51:37):Sorry. Don't be all grumpy all Jennifer (51:38):The time. Be kind. Yeah, I can hear my, every once in a while my mom comes out to visit and there's moments that Aaron and I have a little bickering or whatever, and I could hear her voice after all these years still say, oh, Jennifer, be nice. She does do, but she says it about my relationship toward you. Like, yeah. Oh, Jennifer, be nice. Sometimes you're not even in the room. She'll whisper it. Oh, Jennifer, be nice. And so it's just a good reminder that we need to be nice to each other in all ways. The way that we communicate the thoughts that we have toward one another all our intention be nice. Aaron (52:15):Yep. Let's get a little free bonus for you. We won't charge you on that one. Okay. Jennifer (52:20):Wow, this week's chilling. Oh, go ahead. Just I, it's our last time before the next season and I just wanted to say thank you guys so much for joining us and following along and just supporting this podcast. We love marriage after God. We love the community. We love knowing that there's couples out there who desire to grow and mature and chase boldly after God together. And we just wanted to say we love you guys and we hope that you have an incredible New year and just, I don't know, we we're praying for your marriage and we love you guys. Aaron (52:56):While you wait for the next season, will you please take some time and go back through the last episodes that maybe you haven't cut up on yet? Check 'em out. We have a lot of episodes now. But also, would you please share our podcast with a friend? Let someone know, someone that you know has a good commute, that likes to listen to the podcast, share with them. Jennifer (53:16):Lastly, if you feel inspired to share with us some thoughts on topics for next season, you can reach out to us on Instagram at Marriage after God and just shoot us a DM with your topic ideas and we'll be sure to look over those before we start the next season. Start the next season. Aaron (53:37):Awesome. So weekly challenge. This week, your challenge is to read the Bible together at least three times. Challenge accepted. Yes. Good? Yes. Okay. All right. I'm going to pray. Dear Lord, thank you for our marriage. Thank you for the opportunities you give us every day to love each other. Well, we pray we would be wise couples who clinging to truth. We pray we would listen to sound marriage advice and apply it. We pray you would continue to mature us and shape our marriage relationship, increase our ability to love and be known by each other when fear or doubt creeps into our marriage, we pray your truth will cover us with peace. Please use our marriage to bless each other and use us as a team to bring your glory as we support and encourage other marriages around us. In Jesus' name, amen. Jennifer (54:27):Thank you for joining us for another episode of the Marriage After God podcast. Aaron (54:30):If you found today's episode fun and encouraging, please take a moment to share it on social media or in an email to some of your married friends. Jennifer (54:36):Also, would you please take a moment and leave us a review, reviews help to spread the word about our podcast? Aaron (54:41):Be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode, and you can always check out more of our resources@marriageaftergod.com. Jennifer (54:46):You can follow us on social media for more marriage encouragement on Facebook and Instagram at Marriage after God at Husband Revolution, and at Unveiled Wife. Aaron (54:55):We hope you have an incredible week and look forward to sharing more with you next week on The Marriage After God podcast.   Connect With UsInstagram | @marriageaftergodInstagram | @unveiledwifeInstagram | @husbandrevolutionCheck out our marriage resources!SponsorsGet our new book The Marriage Gift - 365 prayers for your marriage!

This world is full fo discouragement, and we personally are really good at feeling shameful, weak, useless, and unworthy. Fill in the blank with all the negative things we think and say about ourselves daily. We all can use more words of encouragement and affirmation. So let this episode be an encouragement and reminder for you to practice finding things to affirm your spouse with on a daily basis.--This episode is sponsored by our newest book, Marriage After God. In this book, we have laid out for you a treasure map that leads your marriage to the greatest treasure of all, which is to know beyond a shadow of a doubt exactly why God has brought you and your spouse together.This book is meant to take you on a journey of discovering the unique, deep and powerful purpose God has for your marriage. The world and your flesh will tell you that the greatest end to be reached is happily ever after, but we believe that that is in fact not at all the end to which we are to pursue. Instead, God intends for you to pursue His end and for your marriage to be a powerful tool in His mighty hand to bring about glory for His Son and to grow His kingdom. If you are ready to say yes to this journey, then please head over to Shop.marriageaftergod.com or amazon.com and grab your copy today. --HERE IS THE LIST OF AFFIRMATIONS I TOLD MY WIFE IN THIS EPISODEYou are one of the most thoughtful and caring people I know. You are always considering how other people feel and what they might be going through. Your heart is always to comfort and include. Your heart is easily burdened for those of our friends who are burdened. These traits that God has given you are a powerful spiritual gift that our church, friends and anyone else that comes into our life get to be blessed by.You are an incredible mother who desires to be the best mother she can be. You teach our children diligently and with determination. You are creative with them and desire that they have many different outlets for growing in knowledge and skill and giftings. You are constantly growing in your patience and love for our children and you desire to be the best you can be for them.We are going to be married for 16 years on January 6th 2023. And I want you to know that I am thankful that i have had the privilege of having you as my bride, my friend and my lover for not only the last 16 years but also for the rest of our lives. And just like the bible says. You are a blessing and a gift to me and I am excited to continue to discover who you are each and every day of our lives together.You are my favorite person to spend alone time with. Going to a movie, dinner, fishing, hiking, bike ride. Whatever it is it will always be better when you are with me. You are my best friend.Just as i said when i asked you to be my wife, “whatever we do I want to do it with you and for God. I love building our life, business and family together.You are a godly woman who desires to grow and mature in your walk with Christ and your love for God is an inspiration not only to me but also to our children and to all our friends.Lest one! You may not believe me, but I think you are one of the bravest and strongest women i know. Following me to africa, starting businesses with me, doing our own marriage retreat, writing not just one book but 12. Having 5 children with me, and doing any of countless other things we have done in our life together. You are brave. And strong. And i admire you for that bravery and strength. Phil 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Ephesians 4:29 “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” READ TRANSCRIPTJennifer (00:09):Hi, and welcome to the Marriage After God podcast. Aaron (00:12):We're your hosts Aaron, Jennifer Smith. We Jennifer (00:14):Have been married 15 years and have five sweet children who are growing up way too fast. Aaron (00:18):We love God and we love marriage Jennifer (00:20):And we love to be honest about it all. Aaron (00:22):Marriage is not always a walk in the park, but we do believe it has a powerful purpose. Jennifer (00:25):So our goal here is to open up the conversation to talk about our faith and our marriage, Aaron (00:30):Especially in light of the gospel. Jennifer (00:32):We certainly don't have all the answers, but if you stick around, we may just make you Aaron (00:35):Laugh. But our hope is to encourage you to chase boldly after God's purpose for your life together. Jennifer (00:39):This is after God. Hi, and welcome back to another episode of Marriage After God. We're back Warrior Host. I'm Jennifer. Aaron (00:54):I'm Aaron. Jennifer (00:54):And we're happy to be here. We took another little break, unexpected, spontaneous break. We Aaron (01:00):Did not do it on purpose. Jennifer (01:01): life happens and for getting back into podcasting this season, I felt like we did really great. We were really strong. And then we had the break cuz you left. And then we came back and then we had to take another break because we were working on edits of the book and which Aaron (01:19):Turned out really well. Jennifer (01:20):And then there was Thanksgiving and then we got hit with sickness like bad Aaron (01:25):For over a week. Jennifer (01:26):It was rough. Aaron (01:27):It was like we had Thanksgiving and then boom, we're sick. So we had to take the time out. We couldn't do anything. Yeah, it was, we were, oh man, it was horrible. But we are back and we're going to do, we have two more episodes Jennifer (01:38):In this season. This is number 11. And then we have one more. So Aaron (01:41):We're going Jennifer (01:42):To do this. That wraps up the season crazy. Aaron (01:44):And then we get to practice and be better at next season because we have time Jennifer (01:50):To plan. excited about it. But in today's episode, I actually don't know what we're going to talk about cuz for some reason Aaron wanted it to be a surprise secret or maybe, I don't know why Aaron (02:01):I'm surprised that you're letting me do this , because you don't like to be surprised. That's true. And you don't like to not know what's going on. But this episode you listening, you know what the episode's about because the title, Jennifer hasn't seen the title yet. Jennifer (02:17):He's kept everything Aaron (02:17):From me so she doesn't know what it's about. And so we'll get to that soon and I hope it's good help. See. So before we get into that, this episode is sponsored by our newest book. When I say newest book, this book came out in 2020. Jennifer (02:34):2019 I think. 19. Yeah. 2019. Aaron (02:37):Oh, I think you're right. Okay. It's still our news book. We have one coming out next year, which will be our newest, newest book. But this one, marriage After God. This is one of the pinnacle works that we've done. It doesn't just incorporate our life, but it incorporates so much of what God has shown us and taught us about the purpose in marriage and why he created it. In this book we've laid out for you a treasure map that leads you your marriage to the greatest treasure of all, which is to know beyond a shadow of a doubt exactly why God has brought you and your spouse together. This book is meant to take you on a journey of discovering the unique, deep and powerful powerful purpose God has for your marriage. The world in your flesh will tell you that the greatest end to be reached is happily ever after. But we believe that this is in fact not at all the end to which we are to pursue. Instead, God intends for you to pursue his end and for your marriage to be a powerful tool in his mighty hand to bring about glory for His son and to grow his kingdom. If you're ready to say yes to this journey, then please head over to shop dot marriage after god.com or amazon.com and grab your copy today. Jennifer (03:43):Well babe, that was a really great ad for our book. I feel like you could just read a snippet from the book and then wrap it. Wrap it up. Call it an episode. Aaron (03:52):I could. I was going to do that actually. I was actually going to read some of the book, but I didn't. You gotta go get the book yourself. Jennifer (03:58):I'm also just nervous about today's topic cuz I don't know what it is so well Aaron (04:02):Here. Before we Jennifer (04:03):Just giving you another idea, Aaron (04:04):Get you warmed up. Before we get into today's secret topic why don't we talk about a little bit, I know we kind of went into it just a second ago, but what's been going on the last couple weeks? We had a few big things. One was a sad wound. We lost one of our chickens. I mean, we have a lot of chickens and so it's kind of makes sense that there's so much nutrition, Jennifer (04:26):Very new at this. And so everything's a learning curve. Everything's a process of trying to understand what it means to be a chicken mama and Aaron (04:34):Papa . And we have 20 plus chickens. Yeah, I think we're down to 20 now. Yeah. But we, so we tried everything we could actually with this little girl. And I even took her to the vet just cause I wanted to learn. I was like, okay, what? What's going on? What can I look for? It was too late. But you did learn tis. I did. And I got some useful tidbits that now I can go actually check all of our other chickens and be like, oh, these ones are healthy. This one's not healthy. Yeah, I know it looks like now. So that was actually really valuable for me. But sad. Sad nonetheless. But we're learning and it's actually been fun having chickens. Our kids are going out there feeding 'em, taking care of Jennifer (05:09):'em. Lots of Aaron (05:09):Responsibility. We're sitting down as family guys, we have animals we're responsible for, we need to make sure they stay alive so they have to have water and food and lots of other things. So that's actually been really good for our family. Jennifer (05:22):On top of that, we had family out, which was really great for Thanksgiving. It was such a joy just to see them. That was nice. And then we got sick, which we already mentioned that was not nice. I mean, hammered sick. I was usually, Aaron (05:34):I you're in bed for a whole Jennifer (05:35):Week, four or five days. Usually I don't get sick. Usually I help everybody else while they're sick. Aaron (05:40):Well and all more usually we, if we do get sick, we'll get it lightly. Jennifer (05:45):Or a tag team where I get sick first and then you get sick. Aaron (05:48):But this one you got sick and then I was sick and then the kids were sick and we were all sick at the same time. I don't think we've ever experienced that before. It was miserable. That was hard. Just doing anything. But Jennifer (05:57):We survived it. But we survived it because we had help too. That's true. We had friends nonstop. Hey, can I pick anything up from the store? Hey, how are you guys feeling? How can we come for you? Can I drop dinner off several times? We got dinners that Aaron (06:11):Week. We have lots of dinners, lots of Jennifer (06:12):Leftovers. So thank you everybody who helped. We love you. Aaron (06:15):And we were just so blessed and I all that to be said, there's huge power in close Christian community. And this has been true from Pentecost till today, that this is how God intends it. He intends the people of God to be in unity and together and helping each other. Jennifer (06:35):Plus it just feels good to be used too. I've been on the other end where someone's sick and I get to bring their family a meal. And I love being utilized in that way. I feel like it's me. Aaron (06:45):So quick off the topic encouragement for you for listening. If you don't have close Christian friends, we just wanna encourage you to go get some . And we know that could be hard for some people, but pray, ask God, say God, bring us some Christian relationships, Christian friends that we can get close to. You have to be in community. What God has for us. I think it's his God. It is God's plan for his people that we're all in community together. So I mean, we're going to be in eternity forever each other. That's true. So might as well practice it now. . Okay. That's all we have. Jennifer (07:19):Come on, tell me what it is. Aaron (07:21):Intro. Intro. Intro. So I have my phone here because I have my own private notes. Jennifer (07:26):I know I was really confused, Aaron (07:27):But she was looking through these. She was like, so did you write anything down? I'm like, yes. Where I'm like, I'm not telling you. Right. And if you would've looked just one filter back, you probably would've found it. Ah. Did you find an action? No. Okay. Just checking. . All right. So I'm going to share with you some statements, Jennifer (07:48):Oh gosh. Aaron (07:49):Okay. Statements that I've written down. And I want you to let us know me and the listeners, your honest thoughts and feelings about it. Jennifer (07:59):Can I just say true or false? Aaron (08:02):You might wanna say that but I want you to be real and honest. And the reason I didn't want you to know Jennifer (08:08):Is because you're mean. I'm just kidding. Aaron (08:11):Yes. Conniving and no, I think this is hard for a lot of people and it's hard for me, but it's hard to like, okay, you're going to get it Jennifer (08:24):Extra hard on me. Aaron (08:25):Yeah, I don't know. Maybe. Okay. So first of all, what are you thinking about before I go into this? Jennifer (08:31):The first thing that popped in my head was ice cream. Cuz I think it would make me feel better right now. Aaron (08:36):This is not an episode about ice cream and I think we have some, so if you do good, let you have a cup. Ice cream. Yeah. Do you surprises like this? Jennifer (08:45):I like some surprises sometimes. Aaron (08:48):Not Jennifer (08:49):Always this one. No. Because we're podcasting and recording and I just wanna You feel unprepared. I feel like I'm going to trip over my words or say something not so well. Aaron (08:58):To be honest, most of it's probably going to be me, but I do want to hear to engage with you on these things. Okay? Okay. All right. Okay. You don't know what I'm going to say. We're going to start, I think you'll get this after the first or second one. Listening's. Like just do it. Jennifer (09:15):Seriously. Stop Aaron (09:16):Smelling. All right. Okay. Jennifer, Jennifer (09:20):What? Aaron (09:21):You are one of the most thoughtful Jennifer (09:23): Aaron (09:24):In caring people. I know you are always considering how other people feel and what they might be going through. Your heart is always to comfort and include, your heart is easily burdened for those of our friends who are burdened. These traits that God has given you are a powerful spiritual gift that our church friends and anyone else that comes into our life get to be blessed by. That's the first one. Jennifer (09:50):Did you copy and paste that from somewhere? You get Aaron (09:52):That from? I wrote all of these. Jennifer (09:55):That was really beautiful. Aaron (09:57):Oh, is that's your natural first gut response. Jennifer (10:01):Yeah. Was it made me Aaron (10:02):Feel good? Did it? What else do you think about that? Oh, let's go. True or false? Jennifer (10:09):. True. I think that I would also pick it apart to show, but that's a challenge for me. It's hard for me. That's not in my nature. Aaron (10:21):What part of it? Jennifer (10:23):You would have to read it back to me. Aaron (10:25):, most thoughtful, caring people I know considering how people feel and what they might be going through. Jennifer (10:32):So even sometimes I think too much about myself and what I'm going through that I do feel like I miss what others are going through. But then there's times that I actually overthink how people might be feeling to where I start answering for them. Or I overthink what I said to them and it just gets really messy from there. So . Aaron (10:55):Okay, but what about your heart is always to comfort and include? Jennifer (11:01):I think that's true. And I think it comes from a place of always wanting to be included. Aaron (11:06):Love how you wanna be loved type thing. Your heart is easily burdened for those that our friends, the burdens that our friends have. Jennifer (11:16):That's true. And I think it's going back to what you said earlier about being in community. We've lived this way pretty much our whole marriage, where wherever we're at, we immerse ourselves into that community and we build friendships. And we're so close with people that I feel like they're family and I feel like if they're going through a hard time, I don't want them to be suffering. I don't want them to be uncomfortable. And so I do feel that weight. Mm-hmm. True. Aaron (11:43):, the last piece of this anyone who comes into our life is blessed by this from you. Jennifer (11:54):I don't know. Aaron (11:55):What do you think others would say? Jennifer (11:59):Do Jen ? Of course. I don't know. Aaron (12:03):Do you think that they actually feel blessed by you? Jennifer (12:06):I think that I have a handful of friends that I would believe them saying that. Okay, that's hard. Thinking about myself in that way. I don't Aaron (12:18):Know. Okay. Onto number two. You ready? Okay. Jennifer (12:25):, Aaron (12:26):You These might be harder. Jennifer (12:28):I don't know. Aaron (12:30):Okay. You are an incredible mother who desires to be the best mother she can be. You teach our children diligently and with determination. You are creative with them and desire that they have many different outlets for growing in knowledge and skill and giftings. You are consistently, you're constantly growing in your patience and love for our children. And you desire to be the best you can before them. Jennifer (12:54):Who told you all that? So as you're reading it, Aaron (13:02):What was your first thought you had when I said, you are an incredible mother. Jennifer (13:07):No, no, no, no. And then I heard God say, yes you are. Yes you are. Yes you are . But it's weird, the tension I have to battle in my own mind and heart because no matter how good of a day we have, no matter how much I try and pour into my children or being a mom, a good mom, I wrestle with doubt and failure and insecurities and wondering if I'm doing it right or when I'm doing it wrong, how to fix it. Being a mother is pain painful in a way, an emotional way because you just never know. I do. I don't know. Well, Aaron (13:52):True or false, Jennifer (13:55):I'm not going to Sure. False that I think that my heart and my heart intention is to be a good mom. I don't think I'm perfect. I think I struggle a lot. Aaron (14:08):Yeah. I don't think I use the word perfect in any of these by way. Jennifer (14:10):Oh, Aaron (14:11):. Good, Jennifer (14:12):Fine, fair. Aaron (14:15):Okay. Constantly growing in your patience and love for our children. That's true. And your desire to be the best you can before them. Jennifer (14:24):That's true. Yeah. Aaron (14:26):Are you creative with them and desire that they have many different outlets for growing in knowledge? Jennifer (14:31):Yes, that's true. Aaron (14:33):Do you teach them diligently with determination? Jennifer (14:36):Yes. Aaron (14:37):Yeah. Okay. Everyone can't see, but she's got a little bit of tears in her eyes. I did when Jennifer (14:45):You first started reading for sure. Aaron (14:47):Number three. I have a few of these. Okay. I have seven actually. Jennifer (14:51):I feel like this isn't really fair cuz now I have nothing to offer you. And now it has nothing to do with me right now. I know. But Aaron (14:56):This is for you. Okay. Okay. We are going to be married for 16 years on January 6th. Jennifer (15:02):That's right around the Aaron (15:03):Corner. That's less than a month away. It's actually exactly a month away. right now know. And I want you to know that I'm thankful that I've had the privilege of having you as my bride, my friend, and my lover for not only the last 16 years, but also for the rest of our lives. And just like the Bible says, you are a blessing and a gift to me. And I'm excited to continue to discover who you are each and every day of our lives together. Jennifer (15:30):That's beautiful. I love it. Is Aaron (15:33):That your only Jennifer (15:34):Response? Do you wanna know my honest response? Aaron (15:36):Yes. Jennifer (15:38):I immediately thought, well I'm really glad we didn't give up. Aaron (15:42):True. Jennifer (15:43):There were several times in the beginning that we almost gave up. And to look back now after almost 16 years of marriage, it's like, wow, what an incredible journey. Aaron (15:54):I know it's weird to think that we've been married for 16 years. Jennifer (15:57):It's a long time. And you had mentioned the other day, we were talking about something and you said, yeah we've, we've had more good years than hard years because the first beginning we thought, man, this is overtaking everything. And this is, it just felt like a lifetime already in those first four years. Aaron (16:14):And now we've had two lifetimes since then. Jennifer (16:16):Yeah. Crazy. Aaron (16:17):Yeah. Jennifer (16:18):Everyone's like, what? Do your math. Aaron (16:20):Yeah, the math doesn't make sense, but we've how you feel. We've had more good years now than we had bad years leading up to big changes in our marriage. But I just think it's interesting. The reason I wanted your natural responses to these is because we'll get there actually. Okay. Number four, Jennifer (16:42):Keep her in the dark. Aaron (16:44):You are my favorite person to spend a long time with. Going to a movie, dinner, fishing, hiking, bike ride, whatever it is, it will always be better. When you are with me, you are my best friend. Jennifer (16:58):Ditto. Aaron (17:01):Is that your first response? That's Jennifer (17:03):My only response. Yeah. Dito is like, you are my best friend. And same. Well, Aaron (17:07):You never want me Jennifer (17:07):Gone. I never want you gone. Don't ever leave my side. That's true. But seriously, even when I'm out with a girlfriend or whatever, I always think like, oh Aaron would enjoy this. I want you to be there. Aaron (17:19):Yeah. We were out. We just had that men's retreat a month or so ago and the whole time just thinking this would be so much more fun with all the wives here. Jennifer (17:27):It would've been fun with Aaron (17:28):All of Elvis. It would've been. But you know how perfect this stars have to be aligned today. I know. We get all of our friends together without kids. I know. Jennifer (17:36):That's cool. We have a lot of kids. Between us all, Aaron (17:37):It's like there's 60 or so. It's Jennifer (17:40):Say impossible. Many. Aaron (17:41):I think we've done it once for an evening. Jennifer (17:43):We're going to do it again for an evening cuz we have a Christmas party Aaron (17:45):Coming up. Oh. So pray for us. Jennifer (17:47):Pray for, we're going to dress up  Aaron (17:49):Number five. I hope these are good. Jennifer (17:53):These are really good. Aaron (17:54):Okay, Jess. As I said when I asked you to be my wife, whatever we do, I wanna do it with you. And for God, I love building our life, business and family together. Jennifer (18:05):Yes. Yeah. Always . Aaron (18:08):Okay. See a couple of these aren't that hard. Anything you wanna add to that? Jennifer (18:14):Well, we've been talking a lot lately about what's next? What's in the coming year going to look like? What are we moving towards? What are we going to mm-hmm. Trying to accomplish? What do we wanna build next? What do we wanna build or be a part of? What our legacy or what direction are we going? What we always have these at the end of the year where we talk about what the following year, gold casting. Gold casting, which Aaron (18:34):We talked about Jennifer (18:34):Mary God, I think it's chapter 13, dreaming together. Which I love doing with you by the way. It's one of my favorite. Is it a pastime? I don't know. F favorite things to do with you. And so as you're saying that I thought you were going to lead up to and what I wanna do with you this next year, . Nope. But it's more like a dot, dot dot. It's just always Aaron (18:54):Because we haven't figured it out yet. But yeah, you can't write that good. Number six, you are a godly woman who desires to grow and mature in your walk with Christ and your love for God as an inspiration, not only to me but also to our children and to all our friends. Jennifer (19:12):All I heard in the back of my head is I can do better. I can do better. I can. Aaron (19:19):Makes sense. Why does it feel like you have to? Why not have to? But why is that your first response? Jennifer (19:30):I think I go through seasons where I fit seasons where I feel closer to God, chasing after him. Getting in the word constantly and having a very strong prayer life. And then there's other seasons where I'm, I feel farther. I haven't picked up the Bible in a couple of days. And things just feel a little bit more uncertain is not the word, but distant, so to speak. And then there's all the seasons in between that where you're fluctuating back and forth between those. So I think just right now in my current state of life, the things that we've been walking through and life just has felt kind of busy. And I think I've been more sporadic in spending time with the Lord and really chasing after him. Aaron (20:20):Do you believe that all the people in your life see that? Or do you think that they see something else? Jennifer (20:30):I think that, I don't know. It'd be a good question to ask and maybe get feedback on maybe. But I think that they probably just see me and my love for the Lord. Aaron (20:45):So Jennifer (20:46):Do you believe as a general? Yeah. Aaron (20:47):Do you believe though that your relationship and your walk is an inspiration to be able to know you? Jennifer (20:57):I don't know. I hope so, but I don't know. Aaron (21:00):Do you really not know? Jennifer (21:02):I don't know. Or do you just I don't like talking about me. Aaron (21:03):I know. I just wanna know. Do you really not know? You have no idea. Jennifer (21:08):I think that I'm an encouragement to others. I think. Aaron (21:12):Have people told you that they look to you and they they're inspired by you? Yeah. Yeah. So it's not that you don't know . Okay. Jennifer (21:22):I think it, yeah, Aaron (21:25):Say it. Jennifer (21:26):I don't know. I think it's digested , Aaron (21:30):Unwrap it. Peel Jennifer (21:31):Back the onion layers. I was just going to say, going back to how I feel in and out of seasons where I feel either really close to God or a little bit more distant. But when I'm more consistent in the word, it comes out in my responses towards others. Whether it's a girlfriend or a text. And so I get more, get more inspired by the Lord's word being drawn out of me in those ways more frequently when I'm more consistent. And I just feel like lately, maybe it's cuz we were sick, I don't know. But lately it's just felt like off. Yeah. Aaron (22:08):But do you think that offness changes everyone's perspective? Jennifer (22:13):Maybe not. Maybe just mine. Okay. Speaker 3 (22:16):Okay. Aaron (22:17):All right. You ready for the last one? Jennifer (22:19):Maybe? Aaron (22:22):What do you think so far, Jennifer (22:24):The parenting one was probably the hardest, more, most emotional one. Aaron (22:28):And how do you feel overall? Do you feel? Jennifer (22:32):I feel really encouraged. And I don't know why you picked on me for this. Aaron (22:36):Well, you're my closest neighbor, so yeah, I just, yeah, this is the last one. You ready? Yep. Okay. You may not believe me, but I think you're one of the bravest and strongest women I know. Following me to Africa, starting businesses with me doing our own marriage retreat. Remember that? That was crazy. Writing. Not just one but 12 books. Having five children with me and doing any of the countless other things we have done in our life together. You are brave and strong and I admire you for that bravery and strength. Jennifer (23:23):Why are you crying? Aaron (23:24):I'm not. What are you talking about? Jennifer (23:27):I don't know if Aaron (23:28):He's, I'm still getting over my cold. Jennifer (23:30):Yeah. I don't know if you've ever told me I was brave before. Aaron (23:38):Well that's a shame. Oh, sorry. Jennifer (23:42):You've encouraged me a lot in that direction. I'm just saying using the word brave. I don't know. I don't think I've ever seen myself as someone that's brave. Maybe I am. Aaron (23:54):Do you feel like you might be brave more now than you did a moment ago? Jennifer (24:04):It makes me wanna be brave. Aaron (24:06):Well, like you said, you've never heard that. You wouldn't think of yourself that way. But now that it's been said, does it it give a leg to that thought? Jennifer (24:20):Yeah. Yeah. And you giving examples of the things that I've walked with you in, it's almost like in the moment they're easy yeses. Cause I trust you and I am like all Aaron (24:37):Four. They were not easy yeses. Jennifer (24:38):Yeses. They weren't easy yeses and they weren't easy to walk through. But I'm just saying, it's interesting looking at them in hindsight and saying, I was brave. But because in the midst of it I wasn't thinking, oh, I'm so brave, I'm going to do this thing. I was actually terrified and I was nervous and I, but I was with you. And so there was a comfortability in an element of believing that we could, Aaron (25:08):What's that song? You make me brave that. How does Jennifer (25:13):Yes. I just feel encouraged. And I think if we were able to do all of that, what could we do next? Aaron (25:21):What could we, I mean crazy. Almost anything. I think , what else? Jennifer (25:31):I don't know. My heart just feels light. I didn't expect that. Any of it. Aaron (25:38):Well you are pretty brave for having five kids. Jennifer (25:42):I do feel brave for that. Or crazy Both. I'm really, really happy that we had kids early in our marriage. I wasn't like eager to even think about kids. And I didn't know how to wrap my brain around it. Even when we found out we were pregnant with the first one. So to now look back and say, man, we have five kids. And that they're all growing up. They're getting old Aaron (26:07):People with ideas. Jennifer (26:09):It's wild stuff. It's so crazy. Aaron (26:12):It is. They can Jennifer (26:15):Do things, talk back. Speaker 3 (26:16):Yeah, Jennifer (26:17):That's true. Aaron (26:22):So I wanted to affirm you first and foremost cuz you deserve it. You're my wife and I love you. And (26:33):Telling you these things are not fake. They're not to embellish. They're purely to say what's fact and truth, which is what an affirmation should be. True, good things like that. Verse, whatever is good. Whatever is noble. Noble. And so I also wanted to do it for the listeners to hear what it sounds like to affirm your spouse. And also I wanted them to hear your responses to the affirmations because I think they're natural for us. It's hard for us to receive things like this because we have all sorts of thoughts for about ourselves. And rarely are those thoughts affirming. That's why there's this huge self-love movement of self-care and take care of yourself and speak good things to yourself and all these things. Because we don't naturally do that because we see ourselves, we think the clearest like, oh, look at that other thing I messed up on. I'll look at that. How I just did that. Oh, I yelled at the crazy critical I did. Oh, I was angry over here. Oh, I dropped the ball on this plan. I Jennifer (27:52):Feel like we never forget, either we're friends or spouse, they could easily forget that you said that thing or did something that you shouldn't have, but we never forget. And so we carry that around with us. Aaron (28:07):And so what do you think happens when we go out throughout our lives and the affirmations are far and fewer between? Yeah, we say we love each other, we enjoy company. We are nice to each other. All the things that you should be, but you don't intentionally go out of your way. I don't intentionally go out of my way to say and call out the good things in you. What do you end up hearing the most in your life? Jennifer (28:43):My own voice, Aaron (28:46):Which again, are rarely the good things. I have my own voices. I have my own sins that I know full well and the things that come up in my head and the things I say about myself and believe about myself. And then on top of that, we have an enemy who proclaims lies to us and points out things to us. And then we have not just that, but we also have all of the other things that we see in life that we can quickly, instantly compare ourselves to. None of those things affirm us. And so not that it needs to be what I just did. And I just went through seven things with you. We could be that. But if what would happen if everyone listening, every spouse just tried to make it a point to affirm their spouse every day in something. Say, man, you're such a good mom man. I love how you take care of the kids. Oh I love seeing you play and rolling around on the floor with the kids like it. What would happen if we began to speak better words out loud intentionally in front of our kids, in front of our spouse more regularly? What do you think would happen? Jennifer (30:05):I think it would positively reinforce the things that we do and will make us wanna keep doing those Aaron (30:14):Things well. And the true things that actually are there that we may be thinking lies about. Think about, I said you were brave and you're like, I don't think you've ever said that before. And then you said, I wouldn't see myself as brave. But now that you said it, now that you said all the things that I was brave in, I could see it just that one thing, that one phrase can give life to a part of you that you never had life before. And how powerful it is to speak these good words. Affirming words, encouraging words. (30:49):And what's interesting is it hard for us to hear our flesh is against it because we have a hard time believing them because of what we hear most of the time. We hear all the other things, I'm not brave, I'm not strong, I'm not a good mom, I'm not a good dad. So that's where our baseline is. So when we hear the affirm affirmation, which contradicts what we believe in our heads that we've heard and operated in, it stops us. And we're like, wait, what? And so what could happen if we just keep doing it and keep pushing through that? And will the voices in our heads change? Will the words that we hear in our heads change? I could do this. I messed up. I'm going to come back and I'm going to do it better. I'm going to change how I respond. I'm going to actually go and cuz I can do this. That's not who I am. Jennifer (31:47):I know we're recording this episode for our listeners, but I just feel really encouraged and inspired myself to wanna try this. And I'm thinking about our relationship, which I wanna share about in a second, but also just how important and vital this is to bring it to our children. And it makes me think, we just did something kind of similar with Wyatt for his birthday where we all went around and said one thing we love about Wyatt, and I love that kind of exercise or experience. And I think it really does pump them up in an encouraging way. But I'm thinking even just what you did with seven affirmations, but for each child, just making sure that they know without a shadow of a doubt, my love for them and what I think of them and what I perceive to be true in their life and their abilities. (32:42):I just think that's really powerful. And then on the note about our relationship, again, I know we're recording this so that those listening are encouraged, but I just wanna apologize to you for not being one who chooses to affirm as often as I choose to critique or call out things that I justify in my heart as well. This thing needs to be said. He needs to know he will be better. He will grow. If I tell him this thing he's messing up on or doing wrong and I'm very quick to point out the negative instead of saying the positive. And I'm sorry for that. Aaron (33:30):I Jennifer (33:30):Forgive you. And I wanna work on being an affirming wife. I do struggle with Aaron (33:34):That. And that's a good opposite to point out is the opposite of affirmations as critique is just constantly pointing out how we fail or how we didn't line up just right or how we didn't live up to an expectation. And that does the very opposite. That reinforces the negative thoughts, the mm-hmm. damaging thoughts. The lies. Which leads me to my final thought on this world is full of discouragement and we were just talking about we know full well, how shall I say crappy? We are right? Yeah. We know it really well. Mm-hmm. Better than most. We know we're really good at feeling shameful. We're really good at feeling weak. We're really good at believing we're useless or unworthy. These are we. This is not the hard stuff. This is the easy stuff. You fill in the blank of negative things that we think and say about ourselves daily or that other people say to us. Or like you said, that we say to each other when we are critical, overly critical when we're negative. (34:49):And so we have a lot of it like an abundance of accusations against us. It's literally what the devil does. He's the accuser. He accuses us of our failings and weaknesses. And that's that in reality, that is who we are with a sin nature that we have. But Christ has done something different. Christ has given us something more. Christ has made us one with himself. I was reading that devotional from Spurgeon this morning to the kids and it says that the body and the members are of the same substance as the head. And he brought up Nene's dream of the statue where there's the head of gold and then the silver and the bronze and the clay and the iron and all these different parts. And he is, none of those were the same. They were all mixed. The head was the best part and everything else below it was worse. And Spurgeon was saying, but not so with Christ. We are the same as the head. So if the head be righteous, we are righteous. If the had be pure, we are pure. If they had be gold, we are gold. And so that's the difference is there's, there's plenty of the hurtful, hateful, negative lies and destructive words in the world that we say to ourselves, that we hear from others, that we hear from every media outlet everywhere all the time nonstop. And the enemy himself, we can use a little bit more encouragement. Amen. Jennifer (36:22):Yep. Feels really good too. Aaron (36:24):It feels way better than critique. I can tell you that much. Yeah. And so I just, there's a couple of verses. Do you wanna add anything to that by the way? Yeah, it was really good. Okay. Philippians four, eight. It's very well known finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there's any excellence, if there's anything worthy of praise, think about these things. It's easy to see all the other things. It actually takes spiritual work to see these things. To look at someone and be like, well, where's their praiseworthy things in this person's life even though they've done this, this and this and this. How can I praise this person? How, what's honorable about this person even though they have failed here and have been honorable in this area. (37:15):Ephesians 4 29, let no crypting talk come out of your mouth, but only such as is good for building up as fits the occasion that it may give grace to those who hear, did you feel like you were giving grace tonight? Because that's what words of affirmation do they build up. The Bible tells us that the power of life and death is in the tongue. It just is. We can bring life with our words or we can bring death with our words. And I wanted to bring you life tonight. I appreciate it. And I want everyone listening to practice this week and moving forward that they would see where areas in their spouse's life that they could just speak life like, man, I love how you said that to our son. That was so beautiful. I love how you just calling out the things that we love in someone. (38:12):Jor. Jordan Peterson says something recently that I was really encouraged by and it said, don't punish an action you want repeated. And it makes so much sense. How often do we punish someone's doing something, they're like, oh, you're bothering me. Stop doing that. When you're being playful with me and I get annoyed and I shouldn't, like I want you to be playful with me. Why would I punish you being playful with me? I shouldn't do that. So let's reward. Let's reward and make known and make visible and highlight and do everything we can to elevate the things that are worthy to elevate. And what will happen, I believe will, it'll actually minimize the things that we don't want elevated. Like we will. We'll see them less and they'll probably actually happened less. So that was the super secret episode. It was to affirm you and it was, Jennifer (39:02):I'll never do one of those again. Yes Aaron (39:04):You will. I hope you do one with me. Jennifer (39:07):That would be Aaron (39:08):Cool. Not the exact same one of course next season, but you could just trick me or Jennifer (39:13):Surprise me or something. Aaron (39:13):All right. Jennifer (39:15):But you like that kind of stuff? Aaron (39:16):Yeah, I do like the impromptu, who knows what's going on. But I Jennifer (39:21):Do, go ahead. No. Oh when you were talking, I wanted to share an experience I had recently. You were talking when you were talking about the lies that we say to ourselves and the things that we hear the critiques and the criticalness that we wrestle with in our internal dialogue. And I just wanted to share, a friend of mine was having a hard day and reached out and said, would you pray for me? And then left this note of the things that she was struggling with, including lies that she was believing about just how difficult parenting is and whether or not she was failing and other areas marriage was on their friendships having a life that's too busy and wanting to slow down and just Aaron (40:12):All the normal things. Jennifer (40:13):It was a lot. And with every word that I read I could relate to and say, yeah, me too. But I just wanna share that because one, I got to pray right away. Two, I got to send a response and encourage my friend and tell her what the truth was. And so I think to your point of we should be people who initiate affirmation. I think that's really important and really good. And it really does feel good on the receiving end to do that. But if you're in a place where you are suffering under the burden of thought of who you are and the things that you are trying to do day in and day out, reach out to a friend, tell your spouse, tell Aaron (40:55):Us. I'm giving it back to the beginning of the episode. I like it. What Jennifer (40:58):Community? Oh yeah, exactly. See I got this. I was just thinking how important it is to say something. Even if you don't wanna expose those lies that you're believing about yourself, it's so important to you because then the truth is revealed. And your friend or your spouse or your parents, whoever you tell, can encourage you in the truth and pray for you. Aaron (41:20):And the truth shall set you free. Jennifer (41:22):Seriously. Sometimes just getting those things out of your mind and helps. And I hope my friend was encouraged by what I shared with her. Aaron (41:32):Well she probably was Sure Jennifer (41:33):I know. , low view of Aaron (41:35):Self. Well I just thank you for letting me do that and indulging me. And I feel like it was really nice and I meant all of it. Jennifer (41:43):You almost got a tear outta me. Aaron (41:44):You teared up pretty good. . Not me at all. You did though. And I just, you listeners, I want you guys to do this week. Ask God to show you. And also I want you to recognize how much you need affirmation yourself, that you need to be reminded that you are loved by God and that you have His spirit and that you you're good. Even though we're bad , you're good cuz you have Christ and he's good. So babe, would you pray for us? Yeah. Jennifer (42:20):Dear Lord, thank you for giving us our spouse and for using them as a tool to grow us and mature us. Help us to encourage and affirm each other more often. Help us to be the tool you use to strengthen our spouse each day. Lord, show us how to see the good and noble and true and praiseworthy in each other every day. I pray that we would not be used by the enemy to speak destruction and death to each other, but rather we would fight against the lies of the enemy and continually believe the truth about ourselves. That you dwell in us and that you have fearfully and wonderfully made us in Christ Jesus. In Jesus name, amen. Thank you for joining us for another episode of the Marriage After God podcast. Aaron (43:01):If you found today's episode fun and encouraging, please take a moment to share it on social media or in an email to some of your married friends. Jennifer (43:07):Also, would you please take a moment and leave us a review, reviews help to spread the word about our podcast. Aaron (43:12):Be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode, and you can always check out more of our resources @ marriageaftergod.com. Jennifer (43:18):You can follow us on social media from more marriage encouragement on Facebook and Instagram at marriage after God at Husband Revolution and at Unveiled Wife. Aaron (43:26):We hope you have an incredible week and look forward to sharing more with you next week on The Marriage After God podcast.   Connect With UsInstagram | @marriageaftergodInstagram | @unveiledwifeInstagram | @husbandrevolutionCheck out our marriage resources!SponsorsGet our new book The Marriage Gift - 365 prayers for your marriage!

This week's episode is brought to you by our 30-day marriage devotionals. Husband and wife after god. These devotionals were written to help you grow closer to your spouse and closer to God. We invite you to join the thousands of other marriages that have already taken the journey toward a deeper and more purposeful marriage.Also, with the holidays coming up, these devotionals will make a powerful and meaningful gift for the other married couples in your life. Get them today at shop.marriageaftergod.com or amazon.com  Forgiveness is the relief of tension in a relationship that has endured offense or conflict. Like holding a band and stretching it across your chest. Eventually, your muscles start to ache When I was thinking of this analogy I also thought…..If someone - we will say the person who caused the offense) is watching me hold this band and I release it to relax my arms. Their state or being is not affected like mine is. I get relief from letting go. I bring this up because forgiveness in a relationship - although powerful to also be on the receiving end - has a powerful effect on the one who is forgiving. Now consider how Christ our Lord felt when He forgave all for sins. Whoa! We all have had countless opportunities to forgive others - especially our spouse - so let's talk more about it and how to do it when we don't feel like. Why should I forgive when I feel like they are wrong?Why does it feel hard to forgive?Why do I have to forgive?Why don't I want to forgive?How can I forgive if they have not repented?What if I forgive them and they do it again?Why should I forgive if they have not changed yet?If I forgive them then what they did just get overlooked and if it happens again?These are good questions and many we have all wrestled to answer. Let's take a look at one more important question…..Why does Jesus command us to forgive?[Mat 6:12-15 ESV] 12 and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. 13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. 14 For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, 15 but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.If forgiveness was a naturally occurring response to being wronged or hurt then there would be no need for the command. But the fact is that forgiveness is a very unnatural phenomenon. It goes against all our natural responses and desires. Forgiveness goes against our natural defense mechanisms and responses. Justice is a more natural response. No, forgiveness isn't something that comes from us at all. It is something we must do in the power of the Holy Spirit. It is something we must do out of obedience to God’s word.True forgiveness can only happen when we understand the miracle that we ourselves have received forgiveness for trespassing against a perfect and Holy God.When we realize what it is that Christ did for us on that cross, we begin to see why we must also forgive others.To withhold forgiveness puts us in the place of God. READ TRANSCRIPTJennifer (00:09):Hi and welcome to the Marriage After God podcast. Aaron (00:12):We're your hosts Aaron, Jennifer Smith. Jennifer (00:13):We have been married 15 years and have five sweet children who are growing up way too fast. Aaron (00:18):We love God and we love marriage Jennifer (00:20):And we love to be honest about it all. Aaron (00:22):Marriage is not always a walk in the park, but we do believe it has a powerful purpose. Jennifer (00:25):So our goal here is to open up the conversation to talk about our faith and our marriage, Aaron (00:30):Especially in light of the gospel. Jennifer (00:32):We certainly don't have all the answers, but if you stick around we may just make you laugh. Aaron (00:36):But our hope is to encourage you to chase boldly after God's purpose for your life together. Jennifer (00:39):This is after God. Aaron (00:49):All right. We are back. Aaron Jennifer Smith with the Marriage After God podcast. Jennifer (00:55):It's been like two weeks. Aaron (00:57):Yes. Jennifer (00:57):People were probably wondAarong are they done? Aaron (01:00):No, we intentionally took off a couple Jennifer (01:03):Weeks. We unintentionally. Intentionally. Yeah. Aaron told me the week before, Hey, by the way, don't stress out, but I am. We're taking a break. And I was like, what? We've never done that. Aaron (01:13):Well, you were in like deep edit mode on our book and I was going on a trip with Elliot and so I was like, you know what? We're just not going to even deal with Jennifer (01:23):It. And normally I would argue that and say, no, we made this commitment. Let's just follow through with that. Aaron (01:28):But I think you felt relieved. Jennifer (01:29):I did Aaron (01:30):Actually. Because you were doing a lot. Yeah. You were crushing it. And I was about to leave and all I thought was like I just, there's no, this plate is full, so we're going to be good. But we love you and we missed you guys and we have a really good episode for you guys today. I hope. And just real quick, I wanna talk about my trip with Elliot, cuz I know we mentioned it. I went to Florida with Elliot for his 10th birthday. It was just me and him and it was awesome. We show up and my friend who lives there texts me and says, you made it just some time for the hurricane. Jennifer (01:58):Literally like you coming in from the west, the hurricane coming in from the east, you guys met there per in perfect. Aaron (02:05):It was a nothing burger for sure. There was a little bit of wind, a little bit of rain. I know that there's been worse tornado or worse hurricanes in the area, but I think it just died down to a tropical storm. And it was actually a lot of fun being there and El Elliot's thinking a tornado not a tornado. He kept wanting to call it a tornado because they, they're supposed to swirl in the middle when you look on the map. But it was fun. It was raining. We went to the Everglades got to see some old friends that live there still. And my favorite part was just having time with Elliot talking about him growing up. I was asked him questions, what does he see? What do you think? What does he think God has for him over this next year? And as he's getting older, and it was awesome. And I think he's going to remember it for the rest of his life, Jennifer (02:52):So Very cool. Aaron (02:53):Did you miss Jennifer (02:54):Us? Of course I did. That was, I was going to jump in and say, there's one thing I Aaron (02:57):Did. You wish you were there because I wish Jennifer (03:00):You were there. Well, of course everybody likes adventure. But I was going to jump in and say, one thing I learned and realized when you were gone is how codependent I am on you. But I already know that I don't like it when you leave. You did learn that. Aaron (03:10):Yeah. That's a given. Yeah. All that to say, we are back and we're excited. And today's episode we're going to be talking about something that's very challenging to do in your marriage and life. And it's how to forgive even when you don't feel like it. Ooh, Jennifer (03:26):Ooh, Aaron (03:27):Ooh. Yeah. That's good. That's Jennifer (03:28):A hard one. All right. Before we jump into today's topic, we are going to share today's sponsor, which is our 30 day marriage devotionals, husband and wife after God. These devotionals were written to help you draw closer to each other and to God and we invite you to join thousands of other marriages who have already taken the journey toward a deeper, more purposeful marriage by using these devotionals. Also, with the holidays coming up, you can easily give these devotionals to other married couples in your life as a powerful and meaningful gift. So you can check that out at shop dot marriage after god.com or amazon.com. Again, they're called husband after God and wife after God. Aaron (04:08):Awesome. So forgiveness. Sure. There's people right now Jennifer (04:14):Listening. E every single person right now. Yeah. Is that what you meant? Every Aaron (04:18):Single person We've been faced with this many, many, many, many times. Jennifer (04:24):So everyone can relate. Aaron (04:26):Yeah. Well it's not just relate. I think it's experience, it's a thing. It's ties all of humanity together and we'll see why. But this is a big topic, Jennifer (04:35):So hopefully we can all gain some insight or be encouraged by us bringing it up today. Aaron (04:40):Yeah. Why don't you give the definition real quick of what is forgiveness? Jennifer (04:45):So it actually means to stop feeling angry or resentful towards someone for an offense flaw or mistake. In other words, to cancel a debt. Aaron (04:54):I like that. In that definition, resentful. So getting rid of the resentment and changing that. And then the biggest one that cancel a debt. So unforgiveness is holding a debt over someone. They've done something that's withdrawn something from you and they owe you. They owe repentance or an apology or to change or to stop doing whatever that is. But to forgive is to cancel it. That debt's gone. So that's the basis of what we're going to be talking Jennifer (05:26):About. When I grabbed the definition for this, I thought to myself, it's so easy for it to be defined as just stop feeling angry. Yeah, that's easy. Just stop. Aaron (05:35):I Jennifer (05:35):Know. Where's Aaron (05:36):The easy, but I was reading that. I was turning my head. Just stop feeling angry. Okay, Jennifer (05:40):Just stop it. Aaron (05:41):an easy Jennifer (05:43):Button. So how do you do it? You just stop. Aaron (05:45):I'm not angry anymore. It's just easy. Jennifer (05:47):All right. There's a little bit more to, it's Aaron (05:48):Definitely more difficult than that. Jennifer (05:51):Laughing, but I know it's not easy. Okay. Forgiveness. When I was thinking about forgiveness, I was thinking it's that relief of tension in a relationship that has endured a fence or conflict or something hard. And the picture that I got is those bands when you're working out, the bands that go like, oh yeah, Aaron (06:11):Okay. The rubber bands. Jennifer (06:13):So stretching it out across your chest, stretching it tighter, stretching it, stretching. It's getting harder and harder and harder. And then just holding it there until your muscles start shaking and you can't do it anymore. Aaron (06:26):So it's the unforgiveness. Jennifer (06:29):Yeah. That would be holding that tension. Yes. And could you imagine us all walking around with that kind of physical tension on us? That's crazy to think about, but spiritual. But forgiveness would be the release of that and bringing it out of that state of tension to a more relaxed state. And then as your mind gets these pictures, I kept following the image, I kept thinking, okay, so let's say someone was standing there watching me with my hands holding up the tension of this band. And someone is someone who say was the offender or You don't hurt me or whatever you, I don't know. So in the act of me releasing that tension and forgiving, I'm hoping everyone's following along. You're looking at me like bands forgiveness. Okay, are you guys following me here? What I'm saying is the effect of me releasing the tension in that band really powerfully affects me. Aaron (07:30):Yeah. The other person's not holding the band You are. Yeah. They may have done something that makes you feel like that you need to hold of that. Jennifer (07:38):And they might have empathy even for watching this thing occur and take place. They may have feelings about it. Yeah, I have no idea or I have no idea. But what I'm getting at is forgiveness is a really powerful thing for the person who's holding onto whatever that thing is. Aaron (07:53):Isn't there a quote that unforgiveness is drinking poison and expecting the other person to die? This idea of it's something that is happening within you. Jennifer (08:04):Cause I heard another one about being at a prison. Unforgiveness is being in a prison that you put yourself into Aaron (08:11):And all these analogies, all these pictures that we're giving it, it does show that often we think that forgiveness is something that requires the other person, but it doesn't always. And we want to that this actually brings a freedom to forgiveness. But we're going to get through some of this a little bit more and dig into this a little bit, a little more. But we're just trying to give this premise of what does this look like? What does this feel like? There's some questions that we can often probably ask ourselves and we just wanted to bring some of those up. Same out loud so that we can dig into this idea of forgiveness. Jennifer (08:48):Real quick, can I wrap up my little picture for everyone? Yeah. So imagine the outstretched arms holding the band and the weight of okay, totally exhausted muscles shaking pain. It's excruciating. But you're trying with all your might to hold on to all this unforgiveness. Now consider how Christ felt when he took on all of that, everything the Aaron (09:11):Sin of the world Jennifer (09:12):And forgave and release that tension. How beautiful. How's, how Aaron (09:17):Cool? And now you're bringing up the crux, the cross, the crux of this whole idea of forgiveness. Yeah. I like your analogy cuz your arms are stretched out and his arms were stretched out and held out by sin. He was, it's what nailed him there in analogy. So we have countless opportunities to forgive others, especially our spouse. I feel like actually the person that most often that needs our forgiveness in our life will be our spouse Jennifer (09:50):Most opportunity. Because of the interactions constantly Aaron (09:53):Happening, there's constantly offenses happening, there's constantly, and hopefully not always intentional. A lot of this is unintentional. Yeah, Jennifer (10:00):Close proximity. Aaron (10:02):But we spend so much time together, there's just tons of opportunity for things to happen. And I think it's, but not just in our marriage, I didn't want this just to be about marriage. It's actually just in life in general. Because we can easily say, well your spouse deserves it because they're your spouse. But that's not enough for us to be able to forgive. Jennifer (10:24):And for those listening, we wanna be an encouragement to you in your marriage, but also to your other relationship. So if you're listening to this and you're like, well I'm forgiving my spouse for everything and so there's no issue there, but are you holding onto something with an in-law or a friend or someone else in your life that you can forgive? So we want you to think about all your relationships. Aaron (10:47):And so this is something that, here's some questions. I'm just going to say 'em out loud cuz I think we say these to ourselves, we ask these questions when it comes to forgiveness, Jennifer (11:00):Say them slowly so they really hear 'em. Aaron (11:02):Okay, why should I forgive when I feel like they're wrong? I feel like this is probably what I ask myself the most. . Like we're in a situation and Jennifer, you've said this, I'm never wrong. You just say you're sorry. And I'm like, I don't want to say I'm sorry. And at the same time I'm like, why should I like you? You did this. Why am I on the, you get confused. Yeah, I do. And so next question. Why does it feel hard to forgive? Why do I have to forgive? That's a question I think some people ask of like, no, this is something I wanna hold onto. I'm not going to, I'm going to afford this person the benefit of my forgiveness. Why don't I want to forgive? Jennifer (11:47):That's digging a little deeper. Aaron (11:48):Yeah. It's like, wait a minute, I desi, I wish I did. I wish I could, but I feel like I can't. How can I forgive if they have not repented Jennifer (11:59):Or apologized Aaron (12:00):Or apologized? What if I forgive them and they do it again? (12:06):Have you ever asked that before? J babe? Yeah. Yeah. Why should I forgive if they have not changed yet? These are big questions we ask. I think all of these in some form or fashion pop up on our heads in the midst of when forgiveness is needed. And then this last one, again, this is not an extensive list. Probably I would hope you're listening to your own heart and the spirit of God and say, trying to hear these questions yourself. The last one, if I forgive them, then what they do just gets overlooked. And what if it happens again? And I think that's even mentioned this in the past, is this fear of truly forgiving. Does that mean they just get a pass that I just get a pass to do it again? Jennifer (12:52):Essentially you brought up the word cr crux. When you have been offended or hurt, you are at the crux of do I believe that that person will change, will ever change is actually sorry. And so that's kind of why we're bringing up all these questions because what happens inside of us, our hearts, it's like turmoil Aaron (13:17):And that. And that's exactly that. And I think the reason we ask these questions is because we believe the answer to them gives us justification to or not to forgive. Mm-hmm. Jennifer (13:32):I would even argue that we avoid answAarong them. I mean often I wrestle with the questioning, but I don't lead my heart to the answer . Right. Maybe because I know where it will lead Aaron (13:44):Me. Well, and here's my point I'm getting at okay with this is so whether we want to answer it or not, we think that the answer has to do with the response when in reality forgiveness has nothing to do with any of these questions. What doesn't matter what the answer to any of these questions are, in essence of if they aren't going to change, should I forgive the answer to the question of should you forgive has nothing to do with if they change or not. And so Jennifer (14:19):Do you think that by walking in forgiveness, the answer to these or questions get resolved? Aaron (14:26):They do. Yeah. They get answered. The only way they can is I should forgive . And here's the next question I have. Why Jennifer (14:35):You mean the most important question? The most important question. The most significant question. Aaron (14:38):Why does Jesus command us to forgive? Okay. Cuz we have all these other questions that we do ask ourselves trying to justify whether we should or should not, can or cannot, will or will not forgive. So my question to everyone listening and to myself, to me and to you is why does Jesus command us to forgive? You wanna read that verse in Matthew six? Jennifer (15:04):Yeah. It's Matthew six 12 through 15. And forgive us our debts as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your father forgive your trespasses. Aaron (15:25):So Jesus is asked by his disciples cuz they watch him pray and he must have prayed so drastically different than they've ever seen because they come to him and they say, teach us how to pray. They were raised Jews, they understood praying three times a day and pray all the things that they learned in Torah. But they go to Jesus and they're like, teach us. And he takes the opportunity not only to teach them how to pray, but also to teach them about forgiveness. And he tells them in the prayer, we pray to God forgive us as we forgive our debtors. But then afterwards he highlights for if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your father forgive your trespasses. And it's this idea that Jesus is, he's attacking this core thought of if someone's done something against me, then I can withhold against them. This was a tooth for tooth, eye for an eye mentality. And Jesus is saying, he's like, well if you want forgiveness, then you should forgive. Which lines up exactly what the golden rule do unto others as you'd have to do unto you. So he, he's purely saying, do you want God to forgive you? Of course, then forgive others. Jennifer (16:44):It's the difference between justice and mercy. Aaron (16:47):Yeah, Jennifer (16:47):Justice is what's deserved. But mercy is, is transformative and amazing and beautiful and different. Aaron (16:57):Well, and I'll eventually argue the fact that what we think is justice isn't just at all. Because I'll get there in a second. Okay. So this is why, this is what I think the answer is to Des, why does Jesus command us to forgive if forgiveness was a natural occurring response, meaning someone wrongs us, someone hurts us, I get slapped in the face, I get tripped and fall my fall down. Someone steals from me. Who knows you. You can name the plethora of ways someone going to wrong me. My is my natural response going to be, oh you, you know I forgive you. Sure. No. My natural response is going to be hurt defense. It's something that's na, the natural response in us is to protect ourselves, protect our pride, protect our flesh, protect our things. That's natural. But the fact is that forgiveness is a very unnatural phenomenon. Jennifer (17:57):Miracle. Aaron (17:59):It's a miraculous thing. It's, it's totally antithesis to human nature to nature in general. It goes against all natural responses and Desi desires, forgiveness goes against our natural defense mechanisms and responses. Justice or fairness is more natural. So you took from me, I'm going to take from you. This is the In the Greek. In the Greek or Yeah, I think it's Greek lex tele and Jennifer (18:29):It's, oh, I've never heard you Aaron (18:30):Say that before. It's this idea of it's the law of I for an I tooth. For tooth. If you steal, we take your hand. That was a thing that you would have your hand cut off. If you poked someone's eye out, then you would have your eye poked out. This was actually law. And Jesus is saying, well if that's the case then what we've done to God, what's the recourse for that? What's the punishment for that? So Jesus is showing what he intends to do through all of this. But that's our natural response is trying to balance the scales. Quote. Right? Cancel not canceling debt but making sure that debt gets paid right. So you did this wrong, you owe me, you're going to pay it. That's where I like we get the idea of payback. Yeah. Oh you paid me this, I'm going to pay you that you stole from me. I'm going to steal from you. So that's the natural response. The unnatural, like you said, miraculous and spiritual and supernatural. This is the word, is forgiveness. No. Forgiveness isn't something that comes from us at all. I think it's something that we must do in the power of the Holy Spirit. Something that we must do out of obedience to God's word, which is where it comes from. True forgiveness can only happen when we understand the miracle that we ourselves have received forgiveness for trespassing against the perfect and holy God. How does that make you feel? Jennifer (19:57):small. Yeah. In a really beautiful way. I just keep going. You're doing great. Okay. Aaron (20:05):So when we realize what it is that Christ did for us on the cross, we begin to see why we must also forgive that keyword must, we must also forgive. It's not whether they've repented, it's not whether they're going to change. It's not whether they, we can a answer all those questions however we want. But the answer is, I must forgive because I have been forgiven. That's the answer. So which Jennifer (20:36):You would only know, sorry to cut you off. Yeah, it's okay. You would only know if you're abiding in his word and reading his word to come up into verses like what you shared earlier, to know that the Father will only forgive you if you forgive others. Because if you claim to be a Christian and you're not in the word and you're not paying attention to those kinds of verses, then you won't walk in those ways. Yeah, correct. Aaron (21:04):Well and I'll highlight, so when Jesus is teaching about forgiveness, this is pre resurrection. This is pre him standing at the right hand of the Father. He has actually, and we'll learn this in a bit, there's so much scripture specifically on this concept of forgiveness. And I wanna encourage everyone listening to do a little study on it. Go in the word and learn about forgiveness. See where it shows up from the beginning of the book to the end of the book because it shows up a lot. It's a main theme of the gospel and we'll read this in a little bit, is the sins of the whole world have been forgiven. But if we're not forgiving, if we can't forgive, if we're holding withholding forgiveness, we're not actually operating or acting or walking in or as you said, believing that we ourselves have received forgiveness. Because if we understood it, if we believed it, if we knew it, if we meditated and if we recognize, wow, I can't believe that I can be forgiven by a holy God, then I'm not, that I'm not being forgiven by God cuz I'm forgiven in Christ already. I'm not receiving it. So here's the big thing, Jennifer (22:21):Okay, wait, there's Aaron (22:21):Bigger things. Well this concept is what helped me, forgive you, forgive us, forgive me. Helped our marriage not fall apart into little pieces. Was recognizing this one truth. If I withhold forgiveness, I put myself in the place of God. Jennifer (22:46):Okay, share more about what you mean. Aaron (22:49):If I withhold forgiveness, I put myself in place of God. So God's holy, perfect cannot dwell in with sin. Right? And yet we deserve judgment because we have sin against him. We deserve his wrath because he is righteous and jest and yet he has forgotten our sins. They have been cast as far as the east is from the west. They're at the bottom of the ocean in Jesus Christ. All our sins have been forgiven. But if you wrong me, you've done something, you said something mean you, whatever, anyone, and I say I'm not going to forgive you or I can't forgive you, then what I'm saying is what you've done to me is more than what I or the world has done to God. (23:49):God can forgive but not me. That's why Jesus makes such a big point about this. And we're going to read, and Matthew read it in a second, just how important this is. And this will make much more sense. So if God has forgiven me, all my sin paid, all my debt, overlooked all my choices that were against him, and then I go and withhold forgiveness, require the outstanding emotional and spiritual debt to be paid in full with interest and choose to only see the bad in others while requiring perfection before I offer forgiveness, then I, I'm no better than this wicked servant. We're going to learn about that Jesus shares about I'm no better and this doesn't just go for my wife or my kids or my parents. It goes for anyone in the world. And so babe, would you read Matthew 18? It's a handful of verses, but this parable shows so specifically and it comes on the heels of Peter asking Jesus how many times he should forgive. This is what he's exactly about. Yeah. Jennifer (25:05):Then Peter came up and said to him, Lord, how often will my brother sin against me? And I forgive him as many as seven times. Jesus said to him, I do not say to you seven times, but 77 times, therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him 10,000 talents. And since he could not pay his master ordered him to be sold with his wife and children and all that he had and payment to be made. So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, have patience with me and I will pay you everything. And out of pity for him, the master of the servant released him and forgave him his debt. But when the same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denari and se and seizing him. (25:53):He began to choke him saying, pay what you owe. So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, have patience with me and I will pay you. He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. Then his master summoned him and said to him, you wicked servant. I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me and should not, you have had mercy on your fellow servant as I had mercy on you. And in his anger his master delivered him to the jailers until he should pay all of his debt. So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you if you do not forgive your brother from your heart. Aaron (26:40):So I got a question for everyone. Do, do you think that God cares about how we forgive? Jennifer (26:47):Yes, Aaron (26:48):I think so. If you think about this story in Matthew that Jesus gives to Peter, Peter comes, how many times should we forgive our someone who sins against us? There's there's a king or master and then there's two servants. No, not one was over the other. Cuz it says that he went to his fellow servant. There were peers, there's a master, two servants. Jennifer (27:10):Well also real quick, that question that he had for him goes back to that list of questions that you asked all of us. It's just part of that Aaron (27:18):Wrestling times. He did it again. Should I forgive him again? Jennifer (27:20):Just wanna point that out. Yeah. Aaron (27:22):And I just wanna point out in the SV it says 77 times. So he says, should I forgive him seven times? And Jesus says, no, you should forgive him 77 times. But the other way that's translated is 70 times seven, 70 sevens is more accurate and that's 490 if you multiply it the right way. So I'll get to that in a second. So we have the master, we have two servants. The one servant owes the master cuz that master or God, cuz I'm going to break this down, wants to settle accounts. So he is like, Hey, you owe me 10,000 talents. That's 20 years of today's wages, 20 years. He's like, I need you right now, pay up. No one could do that. , Jennifer (28:07):No one. Especially after being thrown in jail. I Aaron (28:09):Mean, yeah. He's like, well, he's like if you don't pay up, I'm going to throw you in jail. And he pleads, please, I'll pay you. And instead of the king saying, okay, I'll give you more time to pay me, he says, I forgive you. He wipes the debt clean cuz he can. Cuz he's the king. It's his debt, the money he's owed. He said, okay, wiped away. I wrote it off. That servant goes outside, grabs a fellow servant by the neck, , give me what you owe me. And he owes him a hundred and denari, which is a hundred days wages. It's a third of the year of wages, which is still a lot of money, but nothing in comparison to 20 years of wages. And he doesn't give the same mercy when pleaded against that the master or God gave him that. This right here is the exact picture of every situation in our life where we have an opportunity to forgive. We were forgiven a great debt. Every single one of us, you listening, every one of you, 10,000 talents, 20 years wages, an impossible debt that you would never be able to pay in a lifetime because you still have to live, you still have to eat, you still have to pay for things, you'll never be able to pay that. (29:28):And then we go to our fellow servants, our brothers, our sisters, our friends, our family, our spouse. Jennifer (29:33):Not even in the same manner that the master first approached his servant but harshly and aggressively. Aaron (29:41):So when you look at this picture, was the servant who was owed the a hundred denari acting in a position of the master. Yes, he was taking the place. He was not acting like a good one. And we go to our fellow brother and sister and our spouse and demand repayment of this a hundred Dari. Now I wanna ask you a question, Jennifer. Jennifer (30:05):You're asking a lot of questions in this episode. Aaron (30:07):Who was hundred Dari? Was it it? The fellow servants, Jennifer (30:14):The masters? Aaron (30:16):Yeah. So how much did the servant owe the master? 20 years wages. So the hundred denari that this servant wanted wasn't even his and he's demanding it. And so I take that to this idea of that when someone sins against us, we have to remember that that sin that was done against us was actually done against Christ and it was forgiven on the cross. Think about that. But we demand forgive. We demand something before we will forgive that sin. Yeah, Christ has already forgiven it. Jennifer (30:57):That's powerful. Aaron (30:59):So we could end just right there. Boom. Jennifer (31:02):So how do you do it? You just stop. Aaron (31:04):Yeah, just stop being angry. Jennifer (31:06):Oh man. Aaron (31:08):So why don't you read that next verse and first John, and we'll we'll Jennifer (31:12):Move forward. First John two, one through two, my little children. I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin, but if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father Jesus Christ, the righteous. He is the prop propitiation for our sins and not for ours only, but also for the sins of the whole world Aaron (31:31):Whose sins, Jennifer (31:34):Everyone's Aaron (31:35):The whole world. The whole world. He says, not for ours only, but also for the sins of the whole world. When Jesus said it's done, it is finished, he meant it. He is forgiven the sins of the whole world. Now this is a hard concept to understand because that doesn't mean that every single person's going to be in heaven because there's a difference between being forgiven and receiving forgiveness. Jesus has forgiven the sins of the whole world because his blood is 100% perfectly capable of forgiving the sins of the whole world. That's amazing. That's why we're asked commanded to forgive because Christ has forgiven. It's a simple complex thing. Jennifer (32:29):So when there is an offense, let's just bring it back to marriage really quick. When there is an offense, when there's hurt, when there's pain, when there's frustration, when there's anger, when there's all these emotions tied up to an event or a situation or a circumstance that happens and an interaction between a husband and wife, are we really unwilling to forgive someone else? Something that Christ chose to die for so that that person can be forgiven? Aaron (32:59):Which is why I go back to that statement of when we withhold forgiveness, we put ourself in place of God. We say, yeah, yeah, God forgives you, but I don't, and that's simple to be sitting here, not in this position where I feel like I'm frustrated or angry to realize how silly that sounds. Jennifer (33:22):But we've been in situations where we both feel really deeply about the things that we're struggling with. And it's hard to bring yourself to a place of true forgiveness. But I don't. But when in the middle of that, I'm not thinking that even the offense that you mm-hmm. Brought on was covered by Christ on the cross. I'm not thinking about that. I'm thinking about myself. Aaron (33:43):We're thinking about how our flesh was hurt. Yeah. But this is important. I wanna make a note. We've mentioned, I think we've touched on this topic in the past, forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. And this is where going back to yes, the sins of the whole world, but that doesn't mean the whole world is reconciled. God desires the whole world to be reconciled in Christ. Jennifer (34:06):And it, it's a part of reconciliation. Aaron (34:09):It's the first step in reconciliation. There can be no reconciliation without forgiveness. But reconciliation requires two. Forgiveness requires one. Mm-hmm. So Jennifer (34:22):We have to, the bands remember the bands, Aaron (34:24):So Christ forgave, but reconciliation is the other party that is being forgiven, receiving it, receiving, recognizing, changing what repentance is. But that doesn't mean that happens. Just because we forgive doesn't mean the other person receives repent changes. (34:44):So forgiveness takes one, reconciliation takes two because that's both people being back in the same page right back and right relationship, which doesn't always happen. This, that's not what this subject's about today, this topic. But I just wanted to point that out that I think that's good. Just because you can forgive your spouse or your friend or your mom or whoever it is in your life, does not necessarily mean that boom, you're reconciled and relationships just made perfect again. But you can be walking in that forgiveness and in freedom and in obedience without the other person. But that hopefully the end result is reconciliation. The goal. That's the heart. So we got a few more scriptures here. Okay, Matthew 26, 28 for this is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for the forgiveness of sins. This is Jesus teaching at the last supper of what the cup and the bread meant. Acts 10 43 to him, all the prophets bear witness that everyone who believes in him receives forgiveness. Now this is showing that reconciliation part, they are forgiven, but everyone who believes in him receives forgiveness of sins through his name, the reconciliation of man to God. Ephesians one, seven. In him, we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses according to the riches of his grace. So we can forgive because we've B been forgiven. Jennifer (36:16):Sorry to interrupt you again. You kind of read through those pretty quickly. But as you read the Acts 10 43 1, something came to my mind, so I wanted to bring it up. So just to basically say it again, it says to him, all the prophets bear witness, that everyone who believes in him receives forgiveness of sins through his name. And it made me think about the story in Matthew that we read. So did the servant who turned to his other fellow servant harshly and said, pay me. Did he not believe that his master covered his debt? Did he still feel like he was in bondage to that debt, that his master cleared him off and that's why he went Aaron (36:53):After? Well, he was clearly acting like that Hunter Dari was Jennifer (36:56):Mattered Aaron (36:56):To him enough to put this brother in prison. Interesting. He definitely didn't receive that grace, that mercy from his master in a grateful way. I mean, he's even called ungrateful and wicked. Jennifer (37:09):Maybe he, he didn't believe and he thought that maybe his master was going to come back after him. I don't know. I'm just trying to understand. Aaron (37:15):Well I'm glad that you brought Matthew 18 back up because I wanted to, there was something I wanted to bring up in that Oh perfect. About how many times we should forgive. And he tells it's 7 7, 7 77 or 70 sevens or 70 times seven, which is 490. And 490 is the exact number of Daniels 70 week prophecy. Mm-hmm. So 70 sevens. And it means to the end of time, the how hold. Right. Even that four 90 years, that 70 sevens, that 70 week prophecy is to the end of time, to the end of all things, to the reconciliation of all things. If you go back and read Daniel, I believe it's chapter nine, it talks about this 70 week prophecy, which leads up to Christ the second coming of Christ, not his first coming and his second coming. That's the whole prophecy. And so he's essentially telling his Peter like, well you're going to forgive forever because I've forgiven you all things. There is no end to the forgiveness because you've been forgiven so you can forgive. So thank you for bringing that back up. I wanted to bring that Jennifer (38:24):Up. That's why I did it. No, we're good. Yep. So this is all really good heart stuff. I mean, these are the things, God's word and recognition of what forgiveness means and where it comes from that needs to lead us when our emotions are feeling those frustrations when our flesh is being reminded of our hurt or pain when the enemy sees us and our weakness or tempts us to withhold pride. And I'm just thinking with those listening, what's the practical in that moment of feeling that flood, flood of emotion and concern and pain and anger Aaron (39:09):And just that unwilling, like I can't Jennifer (39:12):Like Yeah. How do you flip that switch from being offended to stop to stopping and saying, I forgive you and meaning it? Aaron (39:20):Well I think meditating in the gospel, because remembAarong what we've been forgiven of, remembAarong that we are forgiven is the beginning of all. This is the gospel. It's the good news of Jesus Christ, the forgiveness of sins. But that doesn't negate all of the hormones our body is feeling and all the chemical reactions in our Jennifer (39:44):Brains and all of that. Because it is biological too. No, yeah, this is, please feel it. Yeah. Aaron (39:48):It's hard. But I know that the Bible promises, God promises that with every temptation he provides a way of escape Corinthians. And that's what this is, is in those moments, there's a physical fleshly temptation that boils up within us to withhold and say, I'm not going to give it until you have done this or done that. Jennifer (40:12):Being contingent on their response. Aaron (40:15):And I believe God by His Holy Spirit speaks to us every one of his children, everyone who claims the name of Christ, those listening, you hear from God when you're in that moment that you're reminded that you should forgive, you're reminded that you're getting angry, that still small voice, that prick. And you could either push it away and say no, and keep fighting. Or you could listen to it. And it takes, sometimes it could take practice, practicing, listening, practicing and forgiving even when you don't feel like it. Maybe it starts with forgiving internally. You say it in your, I forgive 'em, I forgive 'em, I forgive her, I forgive her. They don't mean it. I love them repeating truths. They're my spouse. We're one on the same team. This is temporary. Trying to say that stuff to you that could A help your biological response, this chemical thing that's going on, the positive thinking helps it. But it also is reminding your spirit of the truth and helps you to navigate that. Jennifer (41:26):I think those are really good. And I just wanna point out, when you said physical response or biological, I also wanna say the positive to forgiveness is that it's healthy forgiveness brings mm-hmm. Peace to our bodies and our minds. And when we're dealing with all kinds of different stresses in life, it's like if we can control the stress in our relationship of being able to offer forgiveness, that is going to change what's happening inside of our bodies. And I think it's good for us, it's healthy for us. And I just wanted to bring that out cuz there are negative effects to things like anger when they get built up inside of us. So that's good. And then also, I think it's really, really a good practical advice, what you just said about acknowledging and remembAarong the truths that we are one, that we're on the same team and that not one is perfect. I'm not perfect, you are not perfect. And there's going to be times that I fail and I want you to forgive me. And so that going back and forth, going Aaron (42:25):That golden roll Jennifer (42:25):Again, sharing mercy and sharing grace. And so I think those are really good, really good answer to what I asked about practical in the moment. Aaron (42:34):And like I said, it can sound, it sounds very easy in this moment when there's no turmoil, no emotional response, it's just talking about it. So when we fail, we recognize it and we say, oh, I'm really sorry I didn't forgive you quicker. Yeah. I wanna forgive you my, I love you. But also when outside of the marriage, when it comes to other relationships, you may not ever be able to tell the person that you forgive them. This is a reality. Jennifer (43:04):I was going to ask you this. Is it true forgiveness if you can't say I forgive you. Aaron (43:09):Absolutely. I go back to forgiveness takes one, reconciliation takes two. And a part of the forgiveness process, let's say there's a broken relationship and they're distant, you know, haven't spoken in a long time. I, I've known people that have walked through this. It starts with first forgiving. Like, okay, they're also human, they make mistakes. It's Jennifer (43:32):Having compassion. God, you love them for them. Yeah, Aaron (43:35):I know that I'm hurt, I know that this was wrong. I pray that the way that this happened gets dealt with appropriately well. And God, if it's your will allow reconciliation work in their hearts, that's good. Also, sometimes reconciliation isn't possible. I would say that's more rare. Not going to bring up the times that happens, but that is a real thing. But God still wants us to be able to walk in forgiveness and freedom of that forgiveness. Jennifer (44:06):Totally. And I would just encourage those listening that if you're ever in a situation where you do truly forgive, but you don't have that opportunity to say the words I forgive you, which leads to that reconciliation, even just telling a friend or your spouse about the situation and how you forgave them is so powerful. I had a situation in my own life where, remember this? Yeah. I couldn't actually reconcile with someone about something. And the moment I realized I truly forgave that person, I went straight to my best friend and I told her, Hey, this thing just happened. I feel like God really helped me process everything. And I just wanted to tell someone I forgive them. Aaron (44:53):It also drastically changed you. Jennifer (44:55):It's healing. It's really beautiful. And if you can't tell someone or you maybe don't feel comfortable telling someone, just write it down in a journal and Aaron (45:03):Write Jennifer (45:04):It in a letter. God. And just, I don't know, for some reason, getting it out of your heart and mind and just, I don't know, sharing it with someone or writing it down, it does help kind of in that sharing process. Aaron (45:19):Absolutely. Well and there's something about writing something down and speaking something out loud that makes it real. And that's a powerful thing. It sticks with you. Yeah, for sure. Well, and just it's evidence of, in something that happened internally. Yeah. It's saying, oh, I'm going to say this Jennifer (45:37):Recognition, Aaron (45:39):The last thing I wanna say about forgiveness, especially when in the situation of where you may be reconciliation may not be feasible, maybe you can't reconnect with this person or whatever, forgiveness. A big part of it is saying, God, I'm going to trust you with the other person. I'm going to trust you with me. Help me navigate how I think about this person. How I pray for them, how I love them. Even if it's from a distance. And then trusting God with the other person saying, God, I trust you that you are going to work in that person's life. That you are going to deal with their sin, that you're going to deal with their heart and how they see me and what they've done wrong. And cuz here's the best judge of all of this. Jennifer (46:28):I was going to say, it releases you from that fleshy part of us that is justice, or this is what you need to do to teach them a lesson, or whatever the thing is. And you're saying trust and you're saying God, you mm-hmm. Are the one who teaches and convicts and corrects and loves and he does it all. And we can trust him to do Aaron (46:51):That. He does it by his spirit. And so as we've said many times, we don't have to be other people's. Holy Spirit. The holy spirit's plenty good at that. Yeah. So we back off and we say, okay, spirit of God, you do your thing. Yeah. Do it in me. Do it in them. And then man, you step out of that prison we talked about. Yep. You let go of that band. You're Jennifer (47:15):Feeling healthy, you Aaron (47:16):Yeah. You're you. That poisons you've, you've taken the antidote. Yeah. You, you're going to be able to stand with God and be like, okay, I trust you. Figure this stuff out. Yeah. Because Jennifer (47:29):We were kind of switching back and forth between other relationships and marriage. And just to bring it back to marriage real quick, reconciliation is the goal. So yes, being able to say, I forgive you is really powerful. We've experienced this in our own marriage from the beginning saying, I forgive you, helps move things forward. And so be willing, ready to forgive and to say, I forgive you and mean it for the sake of reconciliation. And then you said something else twice that I wanted to bring up for a part of that practical, what can I do? And it's prayer. When you feel offended, when you feel hurt, when you feel angry, we should pray. We should pray for ourselves. We should pray for understanding, we should pray for the other person. I think that that's really important. And I didn't wanna that to be overlooked. Aaron (48:22):Often you brought a prayer. When I'm in these heated, again, they're rare, but when I'm heated and I feel like icky. Yeah. And I don't know what to do, I say, God, I literally don't know what to do. Yeah. Help. That's all. And often that's the only thing I can get out because I just don't know what to do. And I'm like, okay, I help me please. And often he does. Yeah. Not often. Every time he does when I ask. Jennifer (48:52):So when we've struggled with unforgiveness in our marriage, even if it's for a short time and it's withheld, it affects every part of our relationship. I know Aaron (49:04):Our kids are our relationship, Jennifer (49:06):But even just my desire to be close to you, our ability to engage with one another. We've had date nights where we're pretty quiet and it's like, mm-hmm man, we really need to fix what's going on here. But just being able to enjoy one another. Every aspect of our relationship, the friendship, the intimacy, the the partnership, all of it gets affected. And so we wanted to bring this to you guys today because we know how important forgiveness is to marriage. In order to build a healthy, strong, thriving and spiritual, spiritually thriving marriage, we have to be willing to forgive. And so our encouragement to you today is hopefully you've been hope, hopefully you've been encouraged by what we've shared today to consider is there any unforgiveness in my heart toward my spouse or towards anyone? And God, how can you lead me through it your way? Aaron (50:06):Yeah. All right. That's really good. Why don't you do the weekly challenge? Jennifer (50:12):Okay, so switching gears here. This is yay . Go on a fun date night together. I threw some examples out there, but you know what? The snow seasons upon us here in Oregon. And so I just wanna encourage everyone to be willing to go outside, even when it's cold. go ice skating if you don't wanna for a walk, Aaron (50:35):Whatever. If you don't wanna go outside and do something cold. We just did a date night with some friends and we bought a new game. Jennifer (50:39):We went to, there was a game store. We went to a game store, picked out a game. We couldn't stay there because they were having some tournament thing. Yeah. But we went somewhere else and we played a game and it was Aaron (50:49):Fun and it was a lot of fun. And now we have a new game in our arsenal of games. Jennifer (50:53):Should we tell 'em what it is? Aaron (50:54):Yeah, yeah. Jennifer (50:55):You like it? It's a small white box. It's a card game. And it's called Aaron (51:00):I think it's called the Coup. Jennifer (51:01):Coup. Yeah. Aaron (51:02):Yeah. It's very simple, but it's a very fun. All right. Will you pray for us? Jennifer (51:06):Yes. Dear Lord, thank you for the gift of forgiveness. Thank you for dying for our sins, that we may be forgiven and receive eternal life. We pray our hearts and minds would understand the depths of your forgiveness and be ready and willing to forgive others, especially our spouse. When our flesh is fighting for justice and it feels hard to forgive, and our emotions overwhelm us, please lead us to faithfully trust you and walk in your ways. We pray we would stop being angry. We pray we would not let frustration have a foothold in our marriage. Please help us to be quick to forgive, but also to be quick to reconcile in our marriage. May we pursue peace as we remind each other of the peace you have brought us through salvation. In Jesus' name, amen. Thank you for joining us for another episode of the Marriage After God podcast. Aaron (51:51):If you found today's episode fun and encouraging, please take a moment to share it on social media or in an email to some of your married friends. Jennifer (51:57):Also, would you please take a moment and leave us a review, reviews help to spread the word about our podcast? Aaron (52:02):Be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode, and you can always check out more of our resources@marriageaftergod.com. Jennifer (52:07):You can follow us on social media for more marriage encouragement on Facebook and Instagram at Marriage after God at Husband Revolution, and at Unveiled Wife. Aaron (52:16):We hope you have an incredible week and look forward to sharing more with you next week on The Marriage After God podcast.  Connect With UsInstagram | @marriageaftergodInstagram | @unveiledwifeInstagram | @husbandrevolutionCheck out our marriage resources!SponsorsGet our new book The Marriage Gift - 365 prayers for your marriage!

In Today's episode, we are going to dive into talking about chicken coops - okay, not a KNOW-HOW, but more so what we learned about working together to finish a hard thing.Today's episode is brought to you by our book set 31 Prayers For My Future Husband / WifeNow, most of our listeners are probably already married, so you won't need this set. But you do know someone who could benefit from it. A teenager, niece or nephew, a friend. These books include 31 days of prayers for a person desiring to get married one day, maybe they are currently single or maybe they are already engaged. This book set will be a blessing to read and pray through. So if you are single or in a serious relationship but not yet married, or if you know someone who would be excited to know more about these books, please go to Shop.marriageaftergod.Com or even amazon.com!  We hope that by sharing our little story you can apply any wisdom we gained in hindsight to be a blessing in your marriage. Because we all know we do hard things together. It will inevitably come up…..a DIY project, a job, a ministry opportunity, or just raising kids. READ TRANSCRIPTJennifer (00:09):Hi, and welcome to the Marriage After God podcast. Aaron (00:12):We're your hosts Aaron Jennifer Smith. We Jennifer (00:14):Have been married 15 years and have five sweet children who are growing up way too fast. Aaron (00:18):We love God and we love marriage Jennifer (00:20):And we love to be honest about it Aaron (00:21):All. Marriage is not always a walk in the park, but we do believe it has a powerful purpose. Jennifer (00:25):So our goal here is to open up the conversation to talk about our faith and our marriage, Aaron (00:30):Especially in light of the gospel. Jennifer (00:32):We certainly don't have all the answers, but if you stick around, we may just make you laugh. Aaron (00:35):But our hope is to encourage you to chase boldly after God's purpose for your life together. Jennifer (00:39):This is Marriage after God. Aaron (00:47):Hey, welcome back to another episode of the Marriage After God podcast. We're your hosts, Aaron Jennifer (00:52):And Jen. Jennifer, Jen. Jen, Jen Aaron (00:54):. So glad you're here. In today's episode, we're going to be diving into a talk about our chicken coop. Jennifer (01:02):I told you not to be weird. I told you Aaron (01:04):Guys the problem is you need tell me not to be. Jennifer (01:07):When we went to go start, I said, please don't be weird, but we're not just talking about chicken coops like a know-how. More so what we learned about working together and finishing something hard Aaron (01:17):Because it was very difficult. This chicken coop, Jennifer (01:22):Today's episode is brought to you by our book set, 31 Prayers for My Future Husband and Wife. Well, there's the 31 prayers for my Future husband and the 31 prayers for my Future Wife. Now, most of you listening are probably already married, so you won't need this set, but you probably know someone who would benefit from it like a teenager in your life. Niece, nephew, a friend. These books include 31 Prayer Days of Prayer for a person desiring to get married one day. So maybe they're currently single or maybe they're already engaged. This book set will be a blessing to them to read and pray through. So if you are single listening right now or in a serious relationship but not yet married or if someone who'll be excited about these books, please go to shop dot marriage after god.com or Amazon to check it out. Aaron (02:06):Awesome. So Jennifer (02:09):I feel like I'm getting better at those Aaron (02:11):By the way. You are getting better at those a little bit. A little bit, yeah. But there's something that's coming up that's pretty important. Jennifer (02:20):I know I haven't cried about it yet, but there's something very significant about our oldest son turning 10. Aaron (02:27):Yeah. He's no longer in the second or the single digits Jennifer (02:31):And he never will be double digits again. Yeah, this is a huge deal. Can you believe Aaron (02:35):It? Yeah. And as he said, he, he'll be in triple digits when he is turns a hundred, so that's awesome. He's going to be in the double digits for quite a while. Jennifer (02:43):So I don't know if we already mentioned this, but 10 years ago we read Love Does by Bob Goff. It came out the same year that he was born and so he was a baby and I remember specifically getting so excited about the part of the book where he talks about taking his kids on these 10 year year old adventures. So if you've read the book, you know exactly what Aaron (03:01):You're talking about. Probably my favorite part of the book Jennifer (03:03):Actually. Yeah, it's what stuck with us. Sometimes you read something and it just totally sticks. Well, we've talked about it every year with every kid's birthday and we remind each other how great this will be and we've prepared ourselves for Aaron (03:13):It. until it comes up and you're like oh Jennifer (03:15):Wow, that's kind of a big deal. So we know that. We know Elliot, and we've talked to him enough to know that his ultimate dream excursion would probably be to South America. South America, right. Aaron (03:27):South America. Tropical snakes, po deadly, poisonous things. Jennifer (03:32):Some birds. Something is stuck with that kid that South America is like dream world for him. I Aaron (03:37):Don't know Jennifer (03:38):The rainforest Aaron (03:39):And I would love to take him to Brazil. Jennifer (03:40):Well, what it probably is is he, Aaron has shared stories with him from Brazil when you went on your trip. So he probably connects to you with that, Aaron (03:47):But he wants it. Jennifer (03:48):Okay. But we're not taking him to South America. Aaron (03:50):No. We thought about him, we're like, I'm not taking sun out of the country right Jennifer (03:54):Now. Not yet. But we were like, well what's comparable? What's like, where is there somewhere kind of gives you that tropical filling? Maybe not in this season, but  Aaron (04:04):Most seasons Jennifer (04:05):What we thought about was Florida Aaron (04:08):And he's actually mentioned he wants to go there. Also, his ideal would be of course South America, but I think Florida, in his mind, it matches all those things. There's palm, he has this thing about palm trees. Jennifer (04:18):So real quick, where do dreams like that come from? Because when you're a kid you have, well, he's been learning over the years, but I mean what does the basis for something like that kind of stem up from? I'm kidding. Aaron (04:29):I have no idea. But something, there's something in his heart that he desires. Maybe it's because we live in a place that gets cold. He deserves, Jennifer (04:35):He's the complete opposite. He wants, Aaron (04:37):Yeah, whatever's the opposite I guess. But that's funny is he also loves the snow and all this stuff, but there's something about him. He wants to go see some poisonous snakes and he wants to go see these Jennifer (04:47):Colorful birds. I'm saying kids have preferences and I just always get curious on what sets them on that, that path or that thing that Aaron (04:54):We should mention to everyone listening just in case they ever mention to our son. This is a surprise. Jennifer (04:59):Like friends of ours Aaron (05:00):Listening and they can't tell him. He doesn't know. So Jennifer (05:02):Until it happens, what's going to happen is he's going to wake up him up early on his birthday and surprise him with a few days in Florida and you guys are going to go explore and where are you going to take him? Aaron (05:14):It's going to be fun. We're going to do some things. We're going to eat some alligator and we're going to go, okay, we're going to go. What are those airboat rides? Jennifer (05:20):Like the swamp rides? Yeah. Aaron (05:21):I don't know if it's going to be beach weather necessarily, but it might be beach weather for us. Cuz we're like, I have no idea in cold weather. And if it's 70 we'll probably go out to the beach Jennifer (05:31):And we're like a national Park family. It's like we always try and hit 'em up wherever we go. We have the game, the national park game. What national park are you going to take 'em to? Aaron (05:38):The Everglades. Cool. Jennifer (05:40):I really have, that Aaron (05:40):Works out. I've never been that far south. We lived in Florida for a little bit. We never went this far south. Yeah, why not? I Jennifer (05:45):Don't know. Oh, we were broke. Aaron (05:46):That's what it was. Jennifer (05:47):Yeah. Gas, gas money. Aaron (05:48):We were Jennifer (05:49):Broke. We should have explored Florida while we were Aaron (05:51):Leaving, but we're, I'm going to take him there and it's going to be fun a few days. Jennifer (05:54):So it's not a cost effective type birthday. He Aaron (05:59):Only Jennifer (05:59):Gets one. It's in a Aaron (06:01):Splurge. He only gets one. Jennifer (06:02):Yeah, one 10 year old birthday. Yeah, that's it. Aaron (06:04):But then when he's like 20, he gets to take me on a trip. So we'll talk about that on the trip. What Jennifer (06:09):Are you most excited to do? Because I'm jealous. I'm over here going, man, I should have been Aaron (06:12):The one now. I'm excited about all the stuff of course. But I'm mostly excited about having a few days just alone with Elliot. I think he's what he's going to be most excited about because Jennifer (06:23):We always do stuff as a family and there's five kids and so it's a constant loud, busy Aaron (06:29):Well and trying to split attentions and all the things and our kids feel it and I think it's going to be a really awesome thing. No breakup, just have a few days and where he knows it's just me and him. I'm not going to bring my computer. I'm not going to. I'll have my phone phone of course, but it's not going to be a work trip. Nothing like that. Just me and him. Cool. So I'm mostly excited just about the hours with him. Jennifer (06:49):What kind of questions are you going to ask him or do you know? I don't know. Gosh, Aaron (06:52):I don't know man. Jennifer (06:53):Maybe ask him if he has any questions. Aaron (06:55):Actually really good at questions. Jennifer (06:56):He's a good conversation. Aaron (06:58):So I'll ask him a lot to ask me questions. But I do, I kinda wanna know who he is becoming, what kind of man he is becoming. Cool. I wanna explore that with him. So awesome. I'm excited for that. But on some more important topics, chicken Jennifer (07:13):Coops. Aaron (07:13):Chicken coops. Jennifer (07:14):Do you guys even wanna hear about chicken coops? Aaron (07:17):Yeah. It's funny that people are probably like, what are they talking about? But why? We do normal things in this life and sometimes not nor so normal things, but all things we know God can use and God does. And it used these things in our life and turns Jennifer (07:33):Them into podcasts, Aaron (07:33):Turns 'em into podcast episodes and that's most important here. Jennifer (07:36):Okay. How did we tie chicken coops into this idea of encouragement for finishing a hard thing? Because that's really what we're getting at is as a married couple, how do you do hard things? Well, Aaron (07:48):And that's the good question. That's the question to ask because all of us, everyone listening, we have, there's things that just pop up in life. They're pretty extraordinary things, but they have real effects on us, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, Jennifer (08:03):Challenges, they're difficult. Aaron (08:05):And as we always talk about how do we deal with these things? What is God using these things to drop in us and pull out of us. And I think that's what we're trying to talk about. What is God? What was God showing us? Well, when of this chicken Jennifer (08:19):Coop and when we were talking about drawing this into an episode I think the hardest part, just right off the bat about this whole process was we didn't know exactly what we were doing. It wasn't like we had plans, we were, Aaron (08:32):I've never built a chicken coop before. Jennifer (08:33):We've never built it before. We've never had chickens before. And we had this space in our backyard that we were kind of stuck in a box to use and so to speak. We wanted to, Aaron (08:43):Wanted to. Yeah. And we'll get into that a little bit. But this thing is not your ordinary run of the mill chicken Jennifer (08:49):Coop. Why can't we just do ordinary things sometimes Aaron (08:52):We don't do ordinary things. Everything we do is extraordinary. Jennifer (08:55):Jennifer, I had a friend call it the Chicken Taj Mahal. Aaron (08:59):This thing is not small Jennifer (09:00):So big, but I told a friend of mine while you were out there building it one day I took a snapshot and I sent it to a friend and I said, if Aaron just ran plumbing out there, we could rent it out on Airbnb for chicken lovers. Aaron (09:13):I made the same joke without knowing you made that joke serious to the guys because it's funny, this thing is 400 square feet and I'm only saying that because that's to show the scale of what we're doing. Yeah, I didn't realize. Jennifer (09:25):But we also don't have four chickens. We have Aaron (09:27):A lot of chicken. We have 23 currently. Yeah, yeah. Jennifer (09:29):We've been watching a lot of YouTube on how to, well even just had basic chicken Aaron (09:34):D, iy chicken, Jennifer (09:35):How do you do chickens and how do you build coops and how do you take care of 'em? And Aaron (09:39):Apparently there's a lot of videos Jennifer (09:40):And there's this thing called chicken math and everyone who owns chickens I guess knows that you can't just start out with one two. Well Aaron (09:47):You tell you yourself if you're going to get three and you're like, but you know what Jennifer (09:49):You end up with 30. Yeah. Aaron (09:51):And that's where we're at right now. Jennifer (09:53):Apparently some people in our family really like the chickens. Aaron (09:55):Well let's start off with me wanting zero chickens and now we have 23, so don't give away the Jennifer (10:00):How does that No, we're not there Aaron (10:01):Yet. How does that work? Jennifer (10:03):Okay, so do you wanna explain real quick the shed and the post ordeal now what it was and what happened? Aaron (10:08):Okay. Yeah. So lemme give you some back story. Set. The scene, we bought this property and on the property was a shop. It had all these, it's a, what do you call, pole barn. Yeah. It's got eight poles on the ground, concreted in, and then all this sheet metal around it. And it was already here, Jennifer (10:24):But we had to take it down. Aaron (10:25):We had to take it down. It was a part of our permitting to get the house, to build the house. And so when we were getting towards the end of building the house, I literally spent two weeks taking every piece of it apart, unscrewing every screw, taking every piece of sheet metal down taking every piece of wood down ke and w the whole time. We're trying to recover every bit of material we can Jennifer (10:48):Because we knew we had projects around the house that we wanted to use it Aaron (10:51):For. Lots of things we're like, oh, tree houses and chicken coops and bunk beds and bunk beds and all these things. And if anyone out there has been doing any projects, lumber is just crazy expensive. And so I'm thinking I'm just going to keep all of this as I can. And I took the whole thing apart, stacked it all up next to our garage and waited to use it. And we had all these posts in the ground, concreted in just sitting there waiting for us to do something with. And my thought was, I don't wanna waste these posts. They're already here. They're already kind of shaped out. Why don't we just build our coop Jennifer (11:23):Into us? The ground was level and clear so it made the most sense. And Aaron (11:27):Originally we were going to kind of split this shop in half and say half of it was going to be chicken coop, half would be maybe a greenhouse. And as we're going to talk about it, we Jennifer (11:35):Got really excited about the space we could provide for our chickens. Aaron (11:38):We're like, we can give this chickens the best life ever. So that's kind of the backstory of why this thing is so big. The size of the shop. was the shop. Jennifer (11:50):It's smaller than the shop, it Aaron (11:52):Was going to be 40 by 20 cuz that's how deep it was. It was 20 ish feet deep, but now it's 40 by 10. Cuz we took some of the posts and moved them, Jennifer (12:02):Which a large portion of it is the run Aaron (12:03):Is most of it is this chicken run. And then a small part is this is the coop. And so that's kind of the backstory on our little chicken coop. Jennifer (12:11):And we wanted to share that. We hope that by sharing our story, we're not just talking about how we did this thing but Aaron (12:18):We're not giving DIY tips. Jennifer (12:20):I mean if they hear any that they wanna use, that's fine. Aaron (12:23):Our next podcast I DIY projects are in Jennifer (12:25):The house. No, but the importance of this episode is that you guys can apply any wisdom that we gained in building this project but we gained it. In hindsight, Aaron (12:36):We look back and I'm like, how could we have done that Jennifer (12:39):Anyways, as we should share it with you, we just hope that it blesses your marriage because we all know that we do hard things in marriage, Aaron (12:45):Aaron. Well, just in life, just in life, there's lots of hard things. So Jennifer (12:49):It will inevitably come up like a D R Y project, a job, a ministry opportunity or just raising our kids, Aaron (12:56):Just raising our kids. The hardest project we got going on as our kids. Jennifer (13:00):But we do hard things Aaron (13:02):And that's something that we tell our kids. And so that's something that is, it's like a unintended bonus phrase that we doing this Jennifer (13:09):That's like a phrase that we Aaron (13:11):Our Jennifer (13:12):Tell our kids, Aaron (13:12):We tell our kids we do hard things. Jennifer (13:14):No, we say we're the dismiss. We do hard things. Aaron (13:17):We make a whole over and over again statement about it Jennifer (13:18):Because we want them to do hard things when they're older. Aaron (13:20):And so lesson number one that we learned from this pretty large project, larger than we thought, bigger than we expected, harder than we thought. Cuz I actually, in my mind, I tend to you minimize, I'm very positive thi thinker. I'm like, oh, this is going to be so easy. It was not is we do hard things and that's okay because there's lots of hard things in life and they're good and can be good Jennifer (13:47):I should say. And the reason we embrace doing hard things as a couple is because we give our children the opportunity to witness and sometimes participate in seeing that and in seeing how a marriage can work it out Aaron (14:02):Together. Not only did my kids see me sweating and bleeding and all the things of taking all the metal in the wood and Jennifer (14:09):Helping you take screws Aaron (14:10):Out of things and helping me take screws out and recovAarong all of that material and spending weeks doing that, they also experienced us taking all of that thing we did Jennifer (14:18):And building something beneficial and Aaron (14:20):True. Turning it into something new that we wanted that's actually kinda beautiful and functional too, which is actually most important. Jennifer (14:26):So lesson number one, we do hard things. So I get this text from my friend Midsummer and she's got these extra chickens and she needs to find them a home mind. Our house is not finished at this point, but there we're living in our trailer. But there is electric, there is electricity and we've always talked about getting chickens. So I'm thinking why not now? Yeah, Aaron (14:45):Well part of the idea of the property is like, hey, we'll have some chickens and we'll use it and make, Jennifer (14:49):We were in dream mode up until this point. But then it became a reality of it was all time an opportunity. So Aaron says to me, no, no, this Aaron (15:00):Is pretty much was like, this is Jennifer (15:01):Not Aaron (15:01):A good time, the right time to get some chickens. Jennifer (15:04):So that was back in July today and it's Aaron (15:07):Still not a good time to have chickens Jennifer (15:10):Because I'm being serious because we were talking about this because the learning curve for us never owning chickens before, the finances that goes into taking care of them and building this, Aaron (15:20):All of the projects that we need to get done on the house. Jennifer (15:21):Just everything else that we functional, the requirement of doing the coop and just Aaron (15:26):The money to spend on the chickens and just, you Jennifer (15:30):Had insight into all of this and you warned Aaron (15:32):Me. I did Jennifer (15:33):Warn, but warned didn't listen and I twisted your arm and I convinced you against Aaron (15:37):And it was supposed to be 12 chickens. Jennifer (15:40):Yeah, I'm really sorry. So lesson number two here now it is, it's Aaron (15:45):23. Jennifer (15:46):Lesson number two here. Moving on in the story is that the things that are important up front get pushed to the back burner when you make a rash decision or when you make a decision that's not fully thought through Aaron (16:01):When they're based on impulses, impulses, emotions, which Jennifer (16:05):My decision was based on impulse where you kind of just said, okay, you leaned into my desire for Aaron (16:11):I doing, it's my usual Jennifer (16:14):Stance with you . Aaron (16:15):Just so everyone's listening, my usual stance is to give you what you want. Jennifer (16:18):So what's your lesson number two here? I think it's a little bit different than Aaron (16:21):Everyone else. My lesson number two is I should stand my ground sometimes when it comes to chickens. Jennifer (16:27):All right. So I guess the point here is that Aaron (16:32):What things have we had to push off that are genuinely, I wouldn't say most important, but you don't have 'em now? Because I've been working on this chicken Jennifer (16:43):Goop. There was a couple things inside the house once it was built that we were like, we're going to add later a linen closet in going into my bathroom. There was going to be these awesome shelves and I was going to put my towels, Aaron (16:51):All her towels sit on our hutch. Jennifer (16:53):Yeah, just like, but I'm a place to go. Okay, so we, I'll give Aaron (16:58):About the thing that you Jennifer (17:00):Have to wait for. You have to weigh out the necessities is what you're saying. Yes. Okay. Aaron (17:05):So going into lesson three but also talking about lesson two, this idea of me standing my ground and saying, no, we're not going to do chickens. I think it's more important is to be better at calculating the cost as the word says that the builder counts the cost that we look at what does this mean if we're going to get these chickens? Because it's easy to glamorize it and say, oh it's going to be fun, it's going to easy. We just feed 'em and we put 'em in the little metal tin thing. And then my thought of, well the chicken coop's not going to be that hard. Which is also not true is going into lesson three is that we should be more heed, more wisdom and be respectful of insight. So I brought up like, hey, this is not the right time Jennifer (17:48):And I should difficult have let pride or desire cloud my judgment and listening to you. Aaron (17:53):Because we could have looked at it and been like, well we have all these other things that are important. Why don't we wait until those things are done? Which if we really wanted the chickens and waited, it would've pushed us. We could've been like, oh, let's get these other things done so that we can get the Jennifer (18:08):Chickens. We're in my backwards thinking. I thought if we get the chickens now, it'll push us. There was a lot more stress involved on my Aaron (18:14):Life. Kind of true. But then it actually, it stops us from doing the other things that were also necessity important, Jennifer (18:21):True learn from us. Aaron (18:22):And we weren't ready. That's another thing. We weren't ready for them. Which was the wisdom I gave. Jennifer (18:28):Yeah. Okay. So we get the chickens as babies and immediately the kids fall in love with them. And if I Aaron (18:34):Would've thought our kids would chickens so Jennifer (18:36):Much, Aaron (18:37):No. And Wyatts out there all the time, he's just holding the chickens. I always ask 'em like, how's your girls doing? And he just smiles at me. Jennifer (18:43):So if there's any redemption to this story at all, it's that the kids love the chickens and have a responsible, have a responsibility in caring for them. Aaron (18:51):See how could it be so wrong when it's so right. Jennifer (18:54):Yeah. I never grew up with animals like that. Aaron (18:57):I know Jennifer (18:59):That's Aaron (18:59):Another thing to consider actually is what we're capable , what we're capable of. You. You'd never grew up around many animals. You said you had a few animals but they weren't even yours. There were someone else's, right. Your sisters or your mom's. I grew up with tons of animals. My mom took it. We were just talking to the kids about this. Jennifer (19:18):So you really knew Aaron (19:20):I did what it would take. I literally did. Cuz it's never as easy as it sounds. My mom took it. Everything she found injured squirrels and injured birds and rabbits and Lisa, my mom, we had every kind of animal ferrets and parrots and rats and you just name it, we had it. Squirrels. My mom nursed a squirrel back to life once , nothing think was cute. I, I have much more experience on my side, but that's also tainted my view. And that's something we're going to talk about is this ability to transition and be able to embrace new things. But it did change my view on animals. You would think I'd be an animal lover. My mom, I do love animals much more than you do, I would say. Or I should. Are Jennifer (20:01):You learning? Aaron (20:02):I'm more prone to enjoy animals but at the same time I'm a little lazy now. I'm like that's a lot of work, those animals. So I understand it. But you Jennifer (20:11):Haven't been lazy with the chickens. Aaron (20:13):No, I'm, that's what I'm saying. I'm growing back into this. Oh I could handle animals again, Jennifer (20:18):Someone's gotta show the kids how to handle the animals. Aaron (20:20):No, they're better at it than I am. Like they go love on those animals so much. Jennifer (20:25):Okay, so you kind of already mentioned this, but lesson four is being careful when you're not prepared. We weren't prepared to build the main coop at the time that we got everything, all the chickens. And so we wasted some of our time cuz we ended up having to build a temporary coop before the main coup Aaron (20:43):Because they were little and living in these little metal tints Jennifer (20:46):And then they outg that and then we weren't, Aaron (20:47):They grow really fast. Jennifer (20:49):So if you don't wanna waste your time and you don't wanna waste your resources or anything, just be prepared. , be more prepared when you make the decision. Aaron (20:58):Yeah, it would've been better if we could've had the thing done before we got the chickens, but at the end of the day we also can't know. Yeah we were, we're learning. We're learning. And you know what, chickens are really resilient. They did. They've done great. Now Jennifer (21:12):They, I'm not so much they, Aaron (21:13):They're having a hard time going in the coop cuz they've lived out of a coop. So that's Jennifer (21:17):Not what I was going to mention. I was going to mention that they were free range for a little bit because the temporary cos were small. And so we let them out in the yard during the day. Aaron (21:24):They only stayed at night in these little temporary coops just to protect them. And then we would let 'em out. Free range. Jennifer (21:30):They pooped everywhere. And every once in a while if the slider, the sliding door got left open, we'd hear a kid yell, there's a chicken in the house, Aaron (21:36):Not ate chicken. There were several times that there was a flock no in the kitchen. Oh yeah. I'm not kidding. Jennifer (21:43):You guys did not know that I Aaron (21:44):Had to wipe up the poop. I had Jennifer (21:45):To, you guys did not tell me that. I'm glad you didn't tell me Aaron (21:48):That. All. When they're out, they come up to the sliding glass door and it's like they want to, they're like, what are you guys doing? Heck of the glass. Jennifer (21:54):They're very friendly chickens, they're follow us around. They just wanna play. Aaron (21:59):We think they're hungry but really they just wanna be near us and wanna be held. It's so f I like it a lot but at the same time I'm really the biggest motivation to finish the chicken coop was the poop on my patio because I don't mind the poop in the grass cuz it's good for the grass. But there was poop all over. They don't want to be on the grass. I don't get it. There's nothing on the patio for them but they cut all of them. Jennifer (22:20):So this isn't one of our lessons Aaron (22:21):Live on our patio. Jennifer (22:22):This isn't one of our lessons. Try and Aaron (22:23):Get in the house. Jennifer (22:24):If you don't wanna deal with animal poop, just say no to animals. Aaron (22:27):That's true. Cuz animals poop and shed, those are realities. Jennifer (22:34):So we couldn't get the main coop built until a few things got checked off of our list cuz we moved into the house. We had some inside projects like building the boys bunk beds and getting the beds off the floor. We had a deadline for our next book due. So that took a lot of our time and focus work life, starting a new season of homeschool, Aaron (22:53):Moving in, Jennifer (22:54):Starting the podcast. Aaron (22:55):We had a lot of stuff going Jennifer (22:56):On. I feel like every minute of the day was accounted for the whole next year. Aaron (23:00):It totally feels like that sometimes. But what finally motivated us to get moving and just do the chicken coop was knowing that winter was coming. Where we live now gets snow earlier than where we used to live gets. And so it was like this now there's like a deadline we see on the calendar. It's like snow's coming. We're like, oh, we should probably give them a place to stay. And that pushed us to move forward and start doing it. Jennifer (23:27):So when you started out to build a chicken coop, like I said earlier, you didn't have plans that you were going by. So you basically, no plans looked at this situation and you said, okay, this is where I should start. Aaron (23:39):Here's a post and here's a post and here's a post. Jennifer (23:41):You started measuring and then you had to go back to our scrap pile and see if pretty much piece by piece if we had what you needed as you went. Aaron (23:48):Yeah. The benefit of recycled wood is that I didn't have to pay for it. The downfall is that I literally have no idea what I have. And Jennifer (23:55):You had to check through all of it, make sure it's straight. Aaron (23:57):Yeah, well and then I would put a board up and then it's split in half cuz it was not good wood and I'd have to pull thing off. And so that's where the difficulty of this comes in is never doing this before. No plans. The wood is not new. And so I'm just dealing with literally hacked pieces of wood, old pieces of wood, twisted pieces of wood. Jennifer (24:19):And then every once in a while I'd catch you just kind of mid projects. Staring, staring, staring up at not Aaron (24:24):Every Jennifer (24:24):Once in a while, something and I'm standing behind you with my gloves on, ready to help going, what is the holdup? What are Aaron (24:29):You doing? Well you would constantly say, just do the next thing. I'm just go on, what's the next thing? Jennifer (24:33):I've got 800 things behind me needing my attention. Aaron (24:35):And I would look at you and I'd be like, I literally have no idea what I'm doing. Jennifer (24:38):So the next lesson is encouragement from a spouse goes a long way and I cut on pretty quick. So I use my words to remind you what you're capable of previous pro projects that you've accomplished. Aaron (24:48):Just keep going. Aaron, Jennifer (24:49):I pushed you to keep going and I told you remember how good you'll feel when you can say I did that . Kinda like how after I give birth and Aaron (25:00):It's like the encouragement was good. Hey because there was just did that, there was many times I genuinely wanted to quit because I would do a lot and be like, oh I'm awesome and this feels good and it looks great. And then I'd look at it and be like, oh but I didn't do that and I didn't do that or I did that wrong. Or my friend would come over who is a contractor and I'd be like, Hey you really should put some post between cuz that's not going to hold up the roof. And I'm like, oh Jennifer (25:23):That was divine timely encouragement for you. It Aaron (25:26):Was great. Sure. I, I'm so appreciative. But it was those little moments that I would do all that work and it would feel so hard and then I would realize I probably didn't do it right that I'd want to give up. Jennifer (25:38):Okay, but how did my encouragement help you push through and progress? Aaron (25:41):Well we finished. Jennifer (25:42):See, so Aaron (25:43):Your encouragement did something you was, I was trying to find someone to finish it for me and then you would be like, Aaron, you're almost done. Do you really want someone to cut? You're going to pay someone to just finish the last few steps of it. I'm so much, I don't know, clip two week. Oh it was hard actually cause I've never done anything like this before. Framing out walls and I Jennifer (26:04):Think you did a really great job. I can't see Aaron (26:06):If you saw it, you'd think I was a Jennifer (26:08):That's what I was just going to say. I can't wait to see what you build next. I'm really excited for you moving on the Aaron (26:13):List next. I mean you have a list. Jennifer (26:15):I do have a list actually on it right now. So the next lesson I learned that was kind of hard for me was don't be a distraction to your spouse and don't be demanding. So what happened was , about a week and a half after some of the chick chicken coop building was going on Aaron (26:33):I'm working hard on this thing. Jennifer (26:35):I know you were working really hard it sweating dirty. I was just standing there with gloves on going, here's another screw here. What do you need? Water? Okay, yeah I didn't do much. Aaron (26:42):Lots of time on your hands. Jennifer (26:44):So I was a little bored and I'm out there standing over by where the kids area's going to be and there's all these, it's this brush weed stuff. I don't even know what it's called. Aaron (26:53):It's just the natural whatever this vine weed thing is. And Jennifer (26:56):It's all over in the ground. It's Aaron (26:58):Like three to six inches underneath the and Jennifer (27:00):You can't just pull it out. And so my great light bulb goes on and says over the weekend, let's change things up. Instead of building the chicken coop, let's do a landscape escape. Let's go work on the yard. And so I rented for Aaron, I went out of my way to make a phone call and rented a mini skid Aaron (27:18):Steer. You know what a blessing it is that you, you just did this on your own and I didn't have to do nothing about it. Jennifer (27:23):And I asked him to rip up. It's probably less than a quarter acre. Right? Well Aaron (27:27):What happened is, what is that? I woke up in the morning and you're like, Hey by the way you need to go to pick up this thing so that we Jennifer (27:33):Can You're right. I should have asked you. That isn't the lesson but that should be part of it for sure. I was very eager to get this done and Aaron (27:39):And all I'm thinking is what, Jennifer (27:41):This is what happened when you were building the chicken coop. I kept looking over in the corner and I couldn't stand looking at it any longer. So something just got to me. But I couldn't use the skid steer. It was too big and bulky for me. And so I needed you to do it. We ripped up. It took us three full days but we Aaron (27:58):Ripped three full days. Yeah. Friday, Saturday. Well three and a half, two and a half days. It was Friday, Saturday, half day Sunday that I had to, I was digging, I was literally digging six inches beneath the one more entire surface or more of probably a, but I was almost a quarter acre of our property. Jennifer (28:17):But I was helping you cuz I was going behind you ripping up all the stuff and making a good pile for you take away. So Aaron (28:21):Thankful you were there to help me. Jennifer (28:23):I heard more than one time in your kind request to ask that I don't request anything of you until the chicken coop's done. I heard your frustration but you were very patient with me and I appreciate that. Aaron (28:38):Well, the whole time I thought to Jennifer (28:39):Myself, but I do wanna apologize. I'm sorry for this. Aaron (28:41):Why am I doing this right now? I know. And this other thing, sitting three quarters or no, I know. Half done. Barely. Barely half done. Yeah. I know. Jennifer (28:49):Lesson learned. In hindsight, I think I should have re-listened to our episode about pacing ourselves again Aaron (28:56): because that did not feel paste. Now I'm look, looking back, I'm happy that we did that also because we got rid. It's done probably 75% of those vines. Yeah. But man, the chicken coop would've been done a week sooner probably. I know, I know. So, Jennifer (29:14):Okay, well Aaron (29:16):I think this is a common thing. We get in the midst of something and f starting something is easy. But finishing that thing, Jennifer (29:23):This is true. I have a pattern in my Aaron (29:25):Mind. This is very difficult Jennifer (29:26):Of having a hard time finishing or following through. I do too. I know that about myself. Aaron (29:30):A and so the new thing feels fresh. Exciting. Yeah. Oh let's not going as it's not done yet. It's not exciting anymore. It's looks difficult. It's hard. Yeah. Let's do this other thing and this will feel better. This will be more exciting. And what all that does is it just throws a wrench in the gears. Jennifer (29:48):So don't throw a wrench in the gears. Aaron (29:50):Well for you people out there that have the ideas of the projects, not going to point the finger at who that might be in the family. Just know if you want that thing done. Jennifer (30:02):Time is everything. Aaron (30:03):Don't throw other things on top of it. Okay. Encourage 'em to do the one thing and finish it. So cool. That's just, that's one my little input if anyone wants to heat at the kit. Jennifer (30:13):Well moving on in the project, we are working really well together. I do wanna acknowledge that. Well at least I feel like when it came to the chicken coop, I did help and you did great. Was there present? Only Aaron (30:25):I wanted frustrations that there was not against you. It was just my frustration with the project. Yeah. Cuz I felt inadequate. Jennifer (30:32):But he had some help come Aaron (30:32):Out. Yeah, my dad came out, which if he wouldn't have come out, I probably wouldn't have finished the, Jennifer (30:38):Because he helped you with the most challenging part too. Aaron (30:41):The part that was Jennifer (30:42):Done. But you didn't know what to do. Aaron (30:43):Yeah. Yeah. So my dad came out and I, I've worked with my dad my whole life ever since I was a kid. Every, my dad's done everything himself. He had a motto, if someone could do it, I could do it. And he's just always, he's always What Jennifer (30:55):A lucky woman your mother was. Aaron (30:57):Yeah, my mom was that kind of person that had the list of projects and it was like before he finished she got Jennifer (31:04):A man Aaron (31:04):You could do it. And she always was adding the next project. But he came and he helped me do the roof and that was a pretty daunting part. And so that was a huge, huge blessing cuz I feel like it launched me two weeks ahead on the project. Cause if I had to do it by myself, I would take seriously if I had to do that roof by myself, it would not have been done in one day. We did it with my dad. Wow. That's cool. It would've been cool cuz we literally were doing it together. He was on one end, I was on the other putting these boards up. First of all, I wouldn't have known what I was doing. So it would taken me just a long time just to figure it out. But I'm just thankful that he came and helped me with that. It was a huge blessing. One thing that was funny that we kept saying to each other, because we would be making these, would put a board up and it would be like crooked. Jennifer (31:49):Nothing was Aaron (31:50):Square. Nothing square, nothing lined up. And we would just keep saying to ourselves, it's just a chicken coop. . Like, I'm not building a house. I'm not building something that we're going to be living in. It's a chicken coop. Chickens are living in it. Jennifer (32:01):So we can't rent it out on Airbnb. Nope. Aaron (32:03):I think we still could make some good money. There's someone out there that loves chickens enough that would live in a chicken coop. . Especially this one. All right. No, I just think this idea that just having a healthy perspective of what it is we're doing to have a good attitude about it. Jennifer (32:17):Keep expectations low. It Aaron (32:19):Really well it helped me because I was getting stressed because I was like, I'm, I'm thinking I need to be framing this. I would a house or something that needs to be totally perfect, but it's a chicken coop. Yeah. I don't need to be overwhelming myself with perfection. I just need to finish and do a decent job. And I did Jennifer (32:38):Make the chickens happy Aaron (32:39):And I'm sure they're happy. We need to get them to live in that coop still. But they're pretty happy being in the run at least. Jennifer (32:45):So here's the big question is did you prefer my help or your dad's help? Aaron (32:49):No question. I preferred all the help. Oh, so , any help was welcome. And so I was happy that you helped me cuz there's plenty of times that I couldn't have done it without you either. Aw see Jennifer (33:02):That Aaron (33:02):Sounds good to hear. I was super blessed that my dad came too cuz I don't think I would've been able to do the roof. I probably could have done it by myself, but it would've been not easy. Jennifer (33:11):So we finished the coop, which is amazing and awesome. And offer plate that. I'll Aaron (33:15):99%. There's a few things I need to do Jennifer (33:18):On it. Fun things like the run? Aaron (33:20):No. Well yeah, that's a part of it. The fun stuff. You wanna talk about toys for the chickens? People are probably toys for the chickens. Jennifer (33:27):They're chickens? No. Like a dust bath area? Aaron (33:29):No. There's like some things I need to do to seal it up a little bit better but oh it's not the other world. Okay, I'll figure that out later. Jennifer (33:36):Cool. Well how do you like it? Aaron (33:38):I think it looks really good. I was just, Jennifer (33:40):You drove Aaron (33:40):Up tonight, I just told you, I was like babe, I was just driving up and I saw the coop through the trees and it really looks like it fits with the house. Jennifer (33:47):You did a really good job. It looks Aaron (33:49):Good. It does fit. You would never know that. Jennifer (33:50):And the little ladies are Aaron (33:51):Happy. Scrapped it together with scrap wood. So Jennifer (33:52):They're laying eggs already for us and the kids. I can't tell you how in love they are with just the idea of going out there to get the Aaron (33:59):Eggs. They're like, mom, this one's still warm. And we're like, Jennifer (34:01):Thanks. That's awesome. Well actually made scrambled eggs with them. They taste really good. Aaron (34:06):They are really good eggs. One of the chickens keeps laying these double yolk eggs. The only eggs she lays is double yolk eggs. They're these, they're twice the size of the rest them. I wonder Jennifer (34:15):If that means something. Aaron (34:16):I don't know. But I'm pretty stuck. I feel Jennifer (34:17):Like we have so much to learn about chickens, Aaron (34:20):But we have them and they got a place to live. Winning currently. Jennifer (34:24):So why they've heard the story here we are wrapping things up. Why is it good to do hard things together in marriage? What Aaron (34:31):Does this have to do with marriage? Yeah, Jennifer (34:32):Because it's a marriage podcast. We can't just talk about chickens, guys. Well Aaron (34:38):Doing projects, it gives you the opportunity to grow and doing these things. This was a way bigger than I thought it was going to be, but we did it. And that feels good at it forces us. Jennifer (34:50):Look at what we did to communicate. Aaron (34:52):We had to communicate a Jennifer (34:52):Lot to be a team to hand each other things and also participate. Aaron (34:57):Prioritization and timing of things. We had to put time to it. So we had to sacrifice time for other things. Jennifer (35:05):I like being with you Aaron (35:06):While we were out there. It was a lot of family time cuz we had to have the kids out there with us and it wasn't like, we can just go do something else. We were like, well we gotta finish this chicken coop. We're here today. We're Jennifer (35:16):Also, and the kids got to help on it. We also get to see each other's abilities. I got to see that you were capable of doing something like this. You Aaron (35:22):Do. Seeing me nail wood together Jennifer (35:25):And love I do. I think it's resourceful and Aaron (35:26):Cutting wood with a saw. It's Jennifer (35:28):Cool. I like it. We get to encourage each other along the way and that feels good. Aaron (35:35):I think a big thing that happens, we talked about this a little bit with what our kids see us doing and I think there's a huge value in our children watching us do these things. And also being invited into them like hey, you can come. And a lot of our time that our kids are just playing with a hammer and nails while we were working, Jennifer (35:54):Stealing our tools. Aaron (35:56):Does anyone have my hammer . And why would Redn go get it? Because they just wanna do that stuff. I remember being a kid, I did, I wanted to do the same thing. So they Jennifer (36:04):Have different ideas, Aaron (36:06):Loving them, watching us do this hard thing, build this thing and then at the end of the day be like, wow, look what we did. Yeah. Because I'm sure they feel like they're a part of it. I think that's a huge benefit to our children. Totally. Jennifer (36:20):I think also them seeing us do something start to finish and for us it brings that sense of accomplishment. We did that together. Aaron (36:27):They're not just giving up in the Jennifer (36:28):Middle. It gives us courage to do other things together and to say yes to them when they come and accepting hard things for the good that comes out of them. Just having chickens, we're receiving eggs. That's good Aaron (36:40):And fun and fun and responsibility and building something that protects them and takes care of them and it's ours. I also think because there were times in the middle of it that I did want to quit and I'm sure my kids heard me say that, but then not quitting. Yeah. It's cuz that what that shows our kids is so those feelings do arise. Jennifer (37:00):So it's an opportunity that tests our hearts and our stamina for when things get tough. And that to me is refinement. Aaron (37:07):And it's something our kids are growing in and learning. They're like, man, I don't want to clean up after myself or I don't want to finish this thing. But then seeing us follow through is something that we also don't want to finish. It teaches them that they can too. Yeah. Jennifer (37:24):Do you feel like doing things together with me gives our marriage a sense of purpose, even though it's not necessarily kingdom work or ministry, it's still Aaron (37:32):Purposeful. Well I, I'd call it kingdom work and ministry work. I wouldn't put this on probably top of the list, but a part of our kingdom work, and we mentioned this in a lot of our podcasts, is our ministry to our children. Them watching us work together, create things, build things, work hard, finish projects. Even when we want to quit is ministry to them. It's showing them that's true. How to do the same thing. Not with a chicken coop, but with anything. Starting a business, being married, they see us go through hard times and we don't give up. They see us struggle and then we thrive. And this coop is a coop. But to them and to us, it's just a part of our life that shows them how to be grown up and how to be faithful and how to continue on and how to do things that are hard. Jennifer (38:24):One of my favorite things about working together with you is that we're not doing it alone. There are times that we have a alone time that a hobby or something that we enjoy doing alone. But when we work together and we need help and we are doing something hard, we're there together. And we're not just isolated and feeling discouraged because we're alone. We're doing it together. And I appreciate that about marriage and its purpose that it serves there. Aaron (38:47):So we got some scripture here that just kind of ties into some of these concepts. Why don't you read the first Jennifer (38:52):One, the first one's, Colossians 3 23, whatever you do, work hardily as for the Lord and not for men. So basically, no matter what we choose to do or work on, if we have a posture of our hearts to do it for the Lord, that's a good Aaron (39:07):Thing. And that's, what Jennifer (39:08):Else does it mean? What Aaron (39:10):It means? Everything. Whatever it says. Whatever you do. So if I'm going to be putting my hand to writing a book as we're doing right now, if I'm going to be putting my hand to making a chicken coop, building a home, raising my children, homeschooling, whatever, homeschooling, whatever our work is, whatever we put our hands to, he wants us to work hardly. It reminds me, Anna, we brought this up in several, several seasons ago about the workers at the temple and this desire that it was put in them and also the creativity and the skill to create something beautiful for God. But that's what we do in life. Doesn't necessarily mean it's a piece of art, Jennifer (39:47):But we get to express ourselves through our work. Aaron (39:50):The attitude we have is how we paint that beauty. That's really cool. Jennifer (39:53):I like Aaron (39:54):That. So whatever we do, we're doing it Jennifer (39:56):For the Lord. And what benefit does that have to our marriage when we have that perspective or posture? Aaron (40:02):Well, if I would've had it more often, I probably would've had a better attitude at most sometimes when I was doing it to Jennifer (40:08):Be more enjoyable. Aaron (40:09):And I mean enjoy the process more, enjoy just work. This is hard and I'm enjoying it. It's good to work hard and do hard things. So I think it's beneficial to just recognize that the things we do are more than what the thing is. They're more, does Jennifer (40:31):That make sense? And our attitude towards it influences or impacts kind of the atmosphere of mm-hmm. What you're Aaron (40:39):Sprinting. Yeah, I was watching, which is a big deal. (40:43):So the next verse is Galatians six, nine and it says, let us not grow weary of doing good for induced season. We will reap if we do not give up. So what's beautiful about that is in this thing, there were times that I felt like giving up like I've mentioned, but it's good not to give up. It's good to complete something that you start to dedicate the energy and the efforts and to show, hey, I'm going to finish this thing. I began just like God does in us. He finishes the work, he begins in us. Jennifer (41:23):When I heard you read that verse, something that came up into my mind is sometimes when you're working together with your spouse and you don't agree on a certain part of the project, sometimes you let pride frustrate you or offenses build up. And so when I hear, don't let us grow weary of doing good, I'm thinking in the marriage itself, it doesn't matter what you're doing together, but how is your marriage being maintained while you're doing those things? And don't grow weary of doing good there. Just for the sake of your perspective of how the project should Aaron (41:53):Result. Well a good example I was at various times, discouraged, bad attitude, frustrated. It was hard cuz there I would get and then I would be, I'll get to a problem with this building and I'm like, I literally dunno what to do cuz I've never done this before. I don't have the tool for it. Whatever it was, you could have gone grown weary in encouraging me and could have got just fed up with me and said, fine, don't finish it. But you didn't. You kept encouraging me, which was a good thing. Yeah. Loving me, reminding me that it's a good thing. Reminding me that it's okay. Also reminding me that like, Hey, why don't you take a break if you can't figure it out, it's okay. Hey Jennifer (42:31):Go do some landscape. Aaron (42:33):Let's take a break and do something else for three days. Jennifer (42:34):Something else that frustrates you. Aaron (42:36):But that's a part of that idea of not growing where and doing good to the others. So in me and how I speak to my children about the project, reminding 'em like, Hey this is a good thing. Hey this is an exciting thing. What Jennifer (42:49):You can't say if you don't believe Aaron (42:51):You gotta believe it. Yeah. It's Jennifer (42:52):Good. Right. So is there a time one should quit? Is that a good question to ask or, Aaron (42:58):Yeah. When we were discussing this tonight, I brought this up cuz I think it would be wrong for us to say, Hey, never give up on a project you started. I think there's probably some time that we've endeavored in something and we've actually done this ourselves. There's been projects we've pursued that in the midst of it, we realized this isn't aligned with where we want to go. This isn't healthy, Jennifer (43:20):Conducive, Aaron (43:21):Healthy, our marriage, it's a healthy firm marriage. It's not conducive to our ministry. And we have to make the hard decision of like, hey, we're going to pull the plug. And so I would say Jennifer (43:32):Communicate, communicate, communicate. Aaron (43:34):Yeah. And also be discerning and prayerful and Jennifer (43:37):Yields the spirit. . Because he will tell you Aaron (43:40):And walk in wisdom. Jennifer (43:41):So the thing that we're basically saying here, don't give up on each other. Aaron (43:46):Yeah, that's true. Don't. Don't go wearing doing the good thing. The good thing. That doesn't mean that the thing you're doing is good . Right. Jennifer (43:53):Which you might have different opinions about. Aaron (43:55):Right. Because there could be something that we endeavor to work on that could actually be unhealthy or unwise. Yeah. Or financially destructive. Yeah, that's true. That's a big deal. So good points. I think we're just, we want to give that rounded out view that we should be aware of is the thing we're doing. Something that we should be pursuing. And I actually genuinely thought that several times with this chicken. I was like, we could just get rid of the chickens. This would be so much easier. Jennifer (44:24):The last verse, Aaron (44:24):We wanna, I'm glad we have the chickens. I love chickens. Jennifer (44:27):The last thing I wanna share, the last verse we wanna share is Proverbs 1423. It says, in all toil there is profit, but mere talk tends only to poverty. And what stood out to me about this is that there's benefit to marriage when we help each other accomplish desired tasks. So you've got to-do lists, I've got to-do lists. We work together, we mm-hmm chomp at 'em and boom, we're happy, we're satisfied. Aaron (44:50):We talk about this on marriage after God a lot actually about this idea of coming together and using our energies and our powers Jennifer (44:56):And our talents. Combining resources. Yeah. Everything. Aaron (44:59):And Jennifer (44:59):Was that captain Aaron (45:00):Planet, I've almost said it and hate us and moving that ball forward is much more powerful than both of us trying to tug at each other and do our own thing. Jennifer (45:10):Now here's the warning and I'm sure we can all raise our hand and say we've done it. So this is just for everyone when we just say, yeah, we're going to do that. Yeah, I'm going to help you with that. Yeah. Would that Aaron (45:21):Be nice if we, okay, Jennifer (45:23):But don't follow through with it. It causes a lack of trust with words and a frustration to build up that nothing's getting done because we've become talkers and not doers. Right? Am I wrong here? Aaron (45:35):Well if it's something that's worth doing, then it's worth not just talking about it should be done. Jennifer (45:42):And if there's something that someone's ask your spouse is asking you and you don't think that it's a priority or you don't think it should be done, then you need to say that too. You can't just say Yeah honey, because that's destructive if you don't intend to do it or if you do intend to do it. But not right now. Aaron (45:58):If I say I'm going to fix that thing, it's going to be done in the next six months. So just know that Jennifer (46:04):As long as you communicate that there's six months that I'm waiting, then we're good. But if you don't communicate that part, it becomes hard Aaron (46:11):Six. Jennifer (46:12):I think everybody agrees right now for sure. Everybody's experienced. The frustration of hearing someone say, yeah, we'll do that thing and then it not comes. So that's all I'm saying is let's be encouraging to one another by being careful of our words. Aaron (46:25):So I think that's important. I think the point is, is not being just talkers but doers. Yeah. So we now have a chicken coop cuz we did it. Did Jennifer (46:31):It do okay. So is there a thing you listening, this is not for Aaron and I, our to-do list is completely done now. Aaron (46:39):It's not. It's so funny that you said that. Jennifer (46:42):Okay. Is there anything in your marriage or Aaron (46:45):I'm, I'm putting that at the refrigerator. What to-do list. We're done is done. Jennifer (46:49):So is there anything in your marriage, anything on your to-do list that feels hard that you've been avoiding that probably should be done, that that should be done? Or is a priority that we can encourage you to go take the next step towards it? Even if it's just a conversation of, Hey, should we do this? Aaron (47:04):Hey we, there's been a handful of books I've read on habits and productivity and they all say something, grace to say, do the hard thing first. This is a big deal because often we push the hard thing off until last, but we don't ever get to that thing. Jennifer (47:21):I just had a really random example pop in my head and it's probably not a very great one, but I think people will understand. Okay, so I was watching a movie and it had ads playing on Amazon, and the first ad started out at 130 seconds and I was like, bummer. The second ad was like 170 something seconds, and I was like longer, and I was like, this is not, if it keeps increasing, the third one was like 30 seconds, and it kept going in small increments back up, but it didn't feel like anything because as long as I avoided that hundred and whatever it was, I was okay. Does Aaron (48:00):That make sense? Yeah. I think Pandora or someone, another one of these apps has a, it says, listen ad free. If you click and watch this first ad and the ad is three minutes longer, and Jennifer (48:14):You're like, oh, are you kidding me? But all it is, but if you were, do that ads broken up, right? Aaron (48:18):If you would, yeah, if you were to do that, you would get the whole thing. You would have no more ads for the rest of the time. But that's the kind of idea. It's Jennifer (48:24):Like a psychological thing. Aaron (48:25):Do that hard thing up front because Jennifer (48:26):Then everything else feels easy. Aaron (48:28):Everything else will fit. Jennifer (48:29):Sorry for wasting your time with that one. I know Aaron (48:31):, everyone's like, oh, Jen. Jennifer (48:33):Okay, moving on. Oh, Jen. Anyways, guys, we just wanna encourage you to take that next step towards whatever that hard thing is in your life and when the opportunity comes and you can say yes to say yes to it, obviously in wisdom, and consider the opportunity you have to work together beside your spouse to do something Aaron (48:51):Hard. Or most importantly, if your husband says, no, we shouldn't do that thing, maybe you should just not do it. There might be, it might avoid some stress Jennifer (49:00):And some tension. Okay? Aaron (49:02):Yeah. But if you're going to do it, I think you should do it with a good heart. Jennifer (49:05):All right? Right. Moving on. Okay. Weekly challenge, by the way, we hope you guys enjoyed that episode. . Aaron (49:12):So many people are going to be building cheese shoes. Jennifer (49:14):Don't get chickens. So last week's challenge was to do something fun, quirky, silly, cranky. Aaron (49:20):Jennifer just shot me in the face with a silly string. Jennifer (49:22):I tried, he Aaron (49:23):Caught me. I saw her coming Jennifer (49:24):Though. He caught me in the reflection so I didn't have to do it again. Some of the time. Hopefully you guys are enjoying these challenges and this week's challenge is to write a letter of affirmation and share it with each other. So Aaron, you must write me a letter of affirmation and I'll do the same to you. Yes, dear. Thank you. I wanted to share some encouraging phrases, phrases of affirmation for those of you who might need a jumpstart of encouragement. I like it when you, I love your, I appreciate it When you, I value your, I hope we, I envision, I can't wait to, Aaron (50:03):So all you gotta do is answer all those questions. Jennifer (50:05):I mean, if you want to do that, Aaron, Aaron (50:07):You got a letter. This is exactly what I'm going to do. You're going to get one of each of those. Jennifer (50:12):All right. Why don't you close this out with the prayer. Aaron (50:14):Dear Lord, thank you for equipping us with strength and diligence to work together in marriage to do good works. Thank you for helping us to follow through with projects and do the hard things. We pray we continue to walk beside each other to do good work, kingdom work, and work that benefits our lives along the way. As we encounter tensions or misunderstandings, please fill us with the wisdom and self-control and our responses toward each other. We pray we would not let our pride get in the way of enjoying the process of doing hard things together. We also ask your Holy Spirit to remind us of the truth of your word. When we feel discouraged or disappointed, we pray we would not be a distraction to each other, but rather an encouragement to finishing Shing strong. Please help us to have lots of fun as we work side by side in any endeavor we pursue. In Jesus' name, amen. Jennifer (51:01):Thank you for joining us for another episode of the Marriage After God podcast. If Aaron (51:04):You found today's episode fun and encouraging, please take a moment to share it on social media or in an email to some of your married friends. Jennifer (51:10):Also, would you please take a moment and leave us a review, reviews help to spread the word about our podcast? Aaron (51:15):Be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode, and you can always check out more of our resources@marriageaftergod.com. Jennifer (51:20):You can follow us on social media from more marriage encouragement on Facebook and Instagram at Marriage after God at Husband Revolution, and at Unveiled Wife. Aaron (51:29):We hope you have an incredible week and look forward to sharing more with you next week on The Marriage After God Podcast.     Connect With UsInstagram | @marriageaftergodInstagram | @unveiledwifeInstagram | @husbandrevolutionCheck out our marriage resources!SponsorsGet our new book The Marriage Gift - 365 prayers for your marriage!