Redemptive Living Radio

In this final episode of season #4 - we talk about the importance of him validating the totality of her experience - not just what she has experienced since D-day but before then as well. Here is what we know - women need validation (as they look in the rear view mirror) and view everything as catastrophic before they can look back and see anything that is good. During our conversation - we take some time to talk about equanimity. We talked about equanimity in this podcast if you want to hear more. But Jason said some things in this podcast that I thought were SO validating so I hope you will listen for them. In particular, we discuss this concept of everything being run through the lens of betrayal (when it comes to the marital relationship) and leveraging what we have experienced and using it for good. We also discuss some of the things that make it hard for a husband to validate her when it all feels tainted and in the podcast, we give antidotes for each of these: He fears: "what if she stays there and never sees anything as good or positive from the past?" Activates his shame - "I'm a horrible person." He wonders: "when do I get a voice"? (Holding onto equanimity. WARNING: we camp here for quite a bit!) I love it when Jason said: "the level of injury from all the betrayal (acting in and acting out) overshadows the injury from relational issues…. Everything must run through the lens of betrayal, even today." Him being misinformed: "But I'm not doing it now!" For men that have a performance oriented identity: "I'll never be able to do enough." We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! Applications are about to close for the next RLW Retreat, October 6-9 in Scottsdale, AZ. Click here to apply! Interested in a women's support group? Find out more about the RLW Support Groups here. Click here to get on the Empowered Boundaries Wait List - we will be starting the next group in late September / early October. Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

On this episode we have our VERY special and FIRST guest on our podcast, Elizabeth! She is one of our amazing coaches here at Redemptive Living for Women. I'm so excited to share our conversation, as I want all of you women out there to know there is hope for you, whether your marriage survives or not. Elizabeth paints word pictures for us as we discuss her journey of the past five years. From the ideal couple - to betrayal - to hoping there would be change - to being released from holding vigil over a dead thing - to now: being "healthily divorced". Here is a little more detail on the things we discuss from Elizabeth's journey: Meeting and marriage Betrayal discovery Early work, the first few months Developing a community, tribe, safety net Years of separation Prayerfully moving from separation to filing for divorce Who God is calling her to be as Elizabeth, not just as a wife or ex-wife Her passion for journeying with other women during their betrayal recovery We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! Elizabeth's bio and contact info is here. Applications are OPEN for the next RLW Retreat! Click here to apply! Interested in a women's support group? Find out more about the RLW Support Groups here. Click here to get on the Empowered Boundaries Wait List - we are about to wrap up the current class and will be back with a new class this Fall. Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

In this episode we wanted to talk about what to do when he chooses not to do the work. Warning: we get off track a lot. We start with talking about contradictions in the Bible - for instance: Ephesians 4:26 says - Don't let the sun go down on your anger. However, Psalm 4:4 says - be angry yet don't sin. Think about it overnight and remain silent. Contradictions. This applies to the betrayal recovery process in that sometimes its hard to know: do I give him grace? Or do I use the tough love approach? We both agree that the "grace based approach" doesn't work as well as the "tough love approach" when it comes to sexual addiction recovery. This is born out of our story - I initially tried the grace based approach and it did not work. It wasn't until I dropped the hammer that the floor raised for Jason, he saw I was serious, and he had to make a choice. Of course, it's important to note that the tough love approach doesn't always save the marriage, as you will hear about next week on the pod. Here are several of the high points from our talk: 1 - Before dropping the hammer, plead for him to change. 2 - Get Support. 2 - Choose your hard. 3 - Consider the Matthew 18 approach. 4 - Don't jump to divorce out of the gate - start with boundaries. 5 - Ask yourself these questions: What do I need? What do I need to feel safe? What do you have a right to? How can I protect me? We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! The episode on Mid-Recovery (#40) can be found here and the episodes on Early-Recovery (#14 and #15) are here and here. Applications are OPEN for the next RLW Retreat! Click here to apply! Shelley mentions "I Don't Love You Anymore" by Dr. David Clarke - excellent book that I think every wife should read! Interested in a women's support group? Find out more about the RLW Support Groups here. Click here to get on the Empowered Boundaries Wait List - we are about to wrap up the current class and will be back with a new class this Fall. Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

Hi all! We're a little behind on recording, so our next new episode will be out next friday.

In this episode, we talk about how hard it is for her as she is wondering: is he doing recovery work? Or not? Some of the things women wonder about: is he cheating on me today? what if he is just checking the box? is he really living with integrity when I am not around? is he actually applying what we are investing time and money to learn? what is he doing when he isn't with me? is he standing up for me and honoring me when he is with our children? the list goes on… it's a LOT to carry Ladies - I encourage you to journal out: what is weighing on your mind as far as what you are wondering about when it comes to his recovery. We then talk about: what can he do to help with this wondering. It comes down to transferring the burden. Jason gives four strategies men can use to transfer the burden onto him. I also mention some strategies she can use to free herself from this wondering. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! Jason mentions being a wife knower - see episode #41 for more on that. Jason also mentions episode #39 on Rebuilding Trust: The Practicalities. You can hear that episode here. Click here to get on the Empowered Boundaries Wait List - we are about to wrap up the current class and will be back with a new class this Fall. Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women. Ticket sales go live tomorrow to the public! Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

We start this episode with a big announcement - the 2nd RLW retreat will be in Scottsdale, AZ October 6th-9th. I really hope you will consider joining me! Ticket sales go live on July 2nd but we will be opening up tickets to the wait list prior to this date. Click here to join the waitlist. We then get sidetracked talking about some of our favorite restaurants in the Scottsdale area: The Farm at South Mountain, Bandera - which apparently closed this year, and Luci's at the Grove I wanted to start with pinning up a couple of things from the last episode: In particular a bit more of the Story of Joseph which is in Genesis 37 through the end of Genesis. Bottom line: we see a Biblical example of forgiveness and grief and in particular Joseph shows us that we can forgive and then continue to grieve. Fast forgiveness can lead to fast bitterness for women. Jason wanted to reiterate that a husband's heart attitude toward the forgiveness process for her needs to be focused on for her to feel better, not just for him to feel better. We then dig into some handholds that women can use as they work through the forgiveness process. We dig into these six phases of the process: Awareness - owning our feelings, this is the beginning of grief Acknowledgement - name the bitterness, resentment, etc. and see that forgiveness is ultimately the answer - but it's okay to not jump to forgiveness if you aren't ready Empathize and Experience - empathy is key (but keep in mind this can take a long time to cultivate). In regards to experience: this is from the parable of the unmerciful servant in Matthew 18- when we experience forgiveness (not just receive it) - it readies our hearts to share it with others. Choice - forgiveness is volitional, it's a choice, it literally means - "to let go" Commemorate and Communicate - doing something to show that you have said your big "yes" of forgiveness and consider communicating this to the one that has hurt you (use wisdom here, depends on the relationship) Continuation - even after our big yes of forgiveness - continuing to say the little yeses. The number of times we forgive is not a numerical standard but rather a heart standard. We will continue to forgive until our heart is at peace. Forgiveness work is a full-time job ladies. And for men listening - please hear me say: she is working HARD to get there. When she is crying and grieving - know that this is what is moving her through and toward forgiveness. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! Click here for information on Support Groups - we are working on new groups for 3 Q 2022. Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women. By joining the wait list, you will get early access to ticket sales. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

In this episode, we talk about all things forgiveness. This is one of my favorite topics in the betrayal recovery realm and I realize that we are just barely skimming the surface here. I start with sharing a bit of my forgiveness story, just to give all you listeners a bit of context on where I am coming from. Bottom line: initially I saw forgiveness as THE solution and so my second run at forgiveness, I chose to take it very slowly, as I knew I had to do it differently. Some of the other things we chat about: the pressure put on women by our Christian culture to forgive the fears that come along with forgiving - like not being able to grieve or talk about the pain and hurt anymore once we forgive what needs to happen in order to forgive: grief work, knowing what she is forgiving, and getting safe (safety comes before forgiveness) the story of Joseph and how he grieves and forgives interchangeably. Once forgiveness takes place, he continues to grieve. We see in Genesis 41: 51-52 as well as in Genesis 50:20 that Joseph is in the process of forgiving, saying big and little yeses. We see in Genesis 42:24 and 43:30 Joseph grieving (just to name a few instances of Joseph grieving). the difference between grief and unforgiveness: unforgiveness is defined by "the demand for what you owe me" whereas grief is expressing the "pain of how you hurt me". what helps her to be able to forgive: him being forgivable - including humility, contrition, talking about it when she needs to, being willing to say "I'm sorry" - many a times. what does forgiveness look like when he didn't do recovery work and he isn't safe. Sometimes having strong boundaries can FEEL like unforgiveness. Shelley mentions Matthew 18: 21-22 when Jesus teaches that forgiveness, and continuing to do so, is based on our hearts, not on a number. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! "Forgiveness is both an event and a process. It's one big yes followed by many little yeses as the months and years roll by." - Paula Rinehart, Strong Women, Soft Hearts Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women - releasing the next date and location on July 24th! By joining the wait list, you will get early access to ticket sales. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

In this episode, we talk about what to do when he is pressuring her to have sex. We chose to look at this through the lens of desiring for change, healing, and care for her. Bottom line - if he is putting pressure on her to have sex - it''s a signal of something deeper going on within him that needs to be explored. We do a lot of talking and ultimately identify and discuss: 1 - The tells that there is something deeper going on within him that needs to be addressed. 2 - What he needs to do. 3 - What can she do when this is happening. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! Shelley mentions the Empowered Boundaries Class a couple of times - you can join the wait list for the next class here. Shelley mentions Leviticus 25:29 toward the end of the podcast when she is talking about homes having more value inside the city walls. Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women - releasing the next date and location on July 24th! Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

In this episode, we talk about when he is withholding sex during recovery. While this might not be as common as men that will hypersexualize their wives, it's still something that we see and it's important to give space to this piece of the puzzle because it is INCREDIBLY painful and confusing for her. We start with talking about the underpinnings of withholding sex. Jason gives five different reasons that he sees that can contribute to this and I think it's important to note that the intimacy aversion as well as trauma from childhood, I believe, weigh the most as far as underpinnings. We then talk about what she needs in the midst of this: reassurance via cared, adored, loved, etc. This is tricky because a lot of men aren't capable of this early on in recovery due to it being too intimate, too vulnerable, too risky. In addition, she needs to see him actively working on the underpinnings. Finally, we talk about what the couple can do in order to move toward reconnecting sexually in a healthy way. We will be back next week with part 2, looking at the other side of the coin: what to do when he is hypersexual. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! Here is a link to the Rescued workbook. Click here to download the Podcast Freebies - we added the building blocks of intimacy graphic. Here is a link to the cow meme I referred to from Instagram. Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women - releasing the next date and location soon! Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

Okay you guys - this was another really hard episode to record. We started in our podcast studio (aka my office) and then had to move to our bedroom. Upon setting up camp in our bedroom, we kept getting interrupted - by a puppy, by our children, by a vacuum cleaner. Thank goodness for Mary and Christa, our podcast producers - I am sure they had their work cut out for them on this one. In this episode, we talk about a phenomenon we see in the recovery process where he gets too far out ahead and in effect leaves her behind. This can happen post-disclosure when he has aired his dirty laundry and he feels better. This can also happen when he has done some recovery work and genuinely sees and feels a difference and looks back at her, sees her as being stuck, and implicitly in his communication - he says - "you should come up here". The issue with this is it implies she is the problem in moving through recovery. And oftentimes - she is blamed for not being forgiving. As I say on the podcast, this is awful. If anyone wants it to be fast - trust me, it's her! We explore the reasons motivating him to do this, what she really needs and what he can do to come back to her. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! Link to the podcast episode on Shame Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women - releasing the next date and location soon! Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.