Redemptive Living Radio

In recovery, we talk about boundaries in two different ways - first, it's how we define our "limits" in life. Sometimes people cross into our space and sometimes we cross into others' space. Recognizing when someone crosses that line (or limit) is important to be aware of. When you hear someone say - "he crossed a boundary with me", this is what they are referring to. The second way we conceptualize boundaries is when we have to intentionally protect ourselves from someone that we don't feel safe with. Another way to describe this is reinforcing the boundary. Again, the motivation here is to get safe. An example would be separating from him and not having emotionally charged conversations until there is a third party present. The distinction between these two types of boundaries is important to be aware of. Jason and I talk a bit about this and then pivot and talk about how boundaries are rooted in needs (and protection / safety). So in order for us to figure out what our boundaries are (referring to the latter kind of boundary, the ones where we potentially need to reinforce our boundaries in order to get safe), it's important for us to first identify what we need. Ultimately, when it comes to identifying what we need and setting boundaries - what we as women are looking to see is - will he protect my heart at all costs? Thank you for joining us for this last podcast of Season #2, we are looking forward to a 3rd Season closer to August of 2021. MasterClasses can be found here. Boundaries Course for women - coming soon - click here for the details. Changes That Heal is an excellent book to read if you are wanting to understand boundaries better. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter and click here to subscribe to Jason's. Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

In this episode, we talk about the purpose of sexual abstinence or sexual fasting in the recovery process. Yes, it is important for rewiring the brain (for him) but it's also important for learning authentic intimacy. We unpack the concept (new to me!) that sexual intimacy is tangled up with all the other forms of intimacy which is part of the reason some men don't have solid relationships with other guys. {(Blew my mind!} We go into the how, the why, and the what. We also discuss how it can be helpful for her if she isn't feeling safe in the relationship. We end with some of the deeper issues that can bubble up while a couple is going through a sexual fast. We are so glad you are here for this tough topic! MasterClasses can be found here. Shelley refers to a section in the Rescued workbook on sexual abstinence - see pages 120-121; for the building blocks of intimacy, see page 118. Our friend and colleague, Invia Betjoseph says - "sexual abstinence is like control - alt - delete on the brain" Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter and click here to subscribe to Jason's. Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

When it comes to lust, we are missing the point if we are only focusing on eyes and mind. Lust is a heart and soul matter. Men have to decide - do I want to live with integrity and honor my wife? Who is God calling me to be? Do I want to be that kind of man or not? These questions, these heart changes are where it starts. Sure, there is behavior modification (not looking, 1:1 rule) but that in and of itself is not enough. It must be connected to a deeper purpose. Jason gives 5-6 practical steps men can take to make the shift in changing how they see. Article Shelley referred to from a study conducted at Princeton University on seeing women as objects. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter and click here to subscribe to Jason's. Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

Regular check-ins are a foundational tool for many couples in recovery. It was for us! in this episode we talk about how to view the check-ins (hint: its not a box to check!), how to approach them and why consistency matters. We give a framework for the FITNAP check in that we use with folks and talk about how we transitioned to that from the FANIT found on page 153 in the Rescued Workbook. MasterClasses that we offer - www.redemptiveliving.com/masterclass Here is a link to an older video Jason did on Acting In. A tich outdated, but it gives the gist - Understanding Acting In Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter and click here to subscribe to Jason's. Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

In this episode we talk about the difference between integrity issues and addiction. For some wives the label of "addict" can bring relief, because the issue is a quantifiable and there is a plan for help. For others, the label is a death sentence that brings hopelessness. We wanted to give folks an understanding of key characteristics of addiction and talk about why there is resistance for many men to see themselves as addicts. While this is all important, we also want to look through a different lens that takes away the labels and categories, and attempts to get to the heart of the matter - surrender. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter and click here to subscribe to Jason's. Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

We also wanted to shine the light on all the work that he is {hopefully} doing early on in recovery. Jason goes into some of the internal work he is doing that she might not see - fighting for his integrity, fighting resignation, fighting to not adopt failure as an identity - just to name a few. We also talk about the work she will start to see - which is a byproduct of the internal work he is doing. Jason throws out the word characterological - which I question the validity of. I know better than to do this people. In Jason's other life, he loves Jeopardy, cross word puzzles and all things word-related. Dusting off some blog post archives - a series on empathy and humility - here is part one, part two and part three. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter and click here to subscribe to Jason's. Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

So apparently men in Jason's office say that they are doing a lot of the early work of recovery (not her). Not to start a fight or anything but… We dig more into this during this episode of the pod. Truly, when both the husband and wife are engaged in recovery - they are both working really hard. We thought it would be helpful to name what she is doing early on in recovery so that he can really see how much she is working on. Grief work, getting safe, detachment, waiting well. Fighting for hope, self-control, financial sacrifices. So much. A recent blog post on detachment. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter and click here to subscribe to Jason's. Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

We dig into the trauma model versus the addiction model and of course take some rabbit trails and talk about things like vicarious trust, codependency, trauma and the Redemptive Living way of doing things. We are so glad you are with us for season #2! It was this episode where Jason mentions codependency and how much he hates that word. Click here to order Rescued. I continue this conversation on the blog - here is the first of the blog posts on this topic. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

So our plan was to talk about the ins and outs of detachment for this last episode of season one. But first, I wanted to start with a quick question regarding equanimity in the recovery process. Simply because I often hear of husbands saying - they want it to be equal. As Jason and I continued to dive deeper into the topic, I realized that we would need to save detachment for season two. In this episode, we unpack the reasons behind why we believe demanding equanimity from her doesn't work. We also discuss the reasons it can be so hard for him to not see recovery through this lens of balance and equality. We also talk about what this has looked like for us - and how long Jason had to surrender equality. And I share a bit about where I am at today with moving toward Jason and my hearts desire to love him well. Loving what Jason said during the episode - "Trust is destroyed at her expense, trust is rebuilt at his expense." Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.comand rlforwomen.com. Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelleywith the subject line: Podcast.

We've received some great questions during this season of the podcast. We wanted to tackle as many of these as we could and didn't get near as many answered as we wanted to but that's okay. There (hopefully) is always the next episode! A couple of the questions we answered - Is it possible that Jason loved me in the midst of his acting out? And is it fair for husbands to say that they didn't mean to hurt us while they were acting out. We cover this and more! Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com. Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.