Redemptive Living Radio

In this episode, a continuation of episode #113, Jason shares about what it looked like for him to "not take from me" (from a needs perspective) as well as a rubric he used to help keep him focused on what mattered most when I wasn't able or willing to meet his needs. We banter back and forth about staying up late talking recovery (Jason clearly thinks we stayed up until the wee hours of the morning for YEARS), we talk about Jason wanting physical touch from me while lying in bed at night and we also talk about times when he desperately needed something from me while sharing emotionally and I wasn't able to give it to him. Please note: this had nothing to do with me having a callous heart (although I'm completely capable of that) and more to do with me holding boundaries and also hanging on by a thread and not having anything to pour into the relationship as it was hanging on by said thread. You can download the rubric Jason talks about in this episode by clicking on the podcast freebie link. Jason mentions several caveats: - some women want to know what his needs are, even if both of them know she can't meet the needs. This is more so coming from a place of needing to see him be vulnerable and lean into intimacy. Jason cautioned the guys, in doing this, do not blame her for your needs. - if a wife says she wants to know (his needs, in vulnerability), jason tells the guys - don't give an inch and take a mile. Toward the end of the episode, we discuss how this applies when there is severe intimacy aversion, and he doesn't even share that he has needs. I thought this comment was key that Jason said: "the needs get shrouded in other things and expressed in ways that aren't vulerable - as in, they come out in passive aggressiveness or aggressiveness or in wonky expectations of things that don't make any sense." We are so glad YOU are here. Thanks for joining us for Season #8. Shelley mentions Episode #85 when discussing super-sized needs. Here is a link to the episode. Registration is OPEN for the next Worthy of Her Trust Workshop for men, outside San Antonio, TX. The workshop is April 24-26. Click here for all the details and to register. Registration is open for the May RLW Retreat in Rosemary, FL. You can click here for all the details. If you are interested in a couples conference/event, we would love for you to let us know by filling out this quick form. Ladies, would love for you to consider one of our support groups - there are three new groups starting in April. You can snag all the details here. Same with 1:1 Coaching - if you are curious about 1:1 coaching - start here. Anchored, led by Kate Jones, is SOLD OUT. It is a fantastic class, and if you are interested in taking this class in the future, join the WaitLIst here. No stress, it WILL come back! We will be uploading the video portion of the podcasts to the WOHT Academy website. If you scroll to the bottom of this page, you'll find the signup button for our Public Content Section. If the content is helpful, you might consider joining the Academy membership to access more teaching videos and weekly live teaching with our team. For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. Pocast Freebies can be found here. (Please note, you have to email us (see link below) if you need us to send the updated podcast freebies to you. Working on a better way to deliver these, but for now, we need you to let us know if you want the updated list of freebies.) We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses, and online courses - check out our websites :redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + monthly polls + all the things. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast

Bear with us through the first six minutes of this episode - not sure exactly what kind of point we are making as we talk, but also wasn't sure how to trim it out and for the rest to make sense, so I left it as is. Oftentimes in early and mid-recovery, husbands try to find comfort (of some kind) in her, whether via physical touch, words of affirmation, words of validation, physical proximity, time together, sex, etc. This is rooted in a common belief that husbands share: she still has a responsibility to meet some of my needs in the marriage. We talk about this common (and mistaken) belief, common misconceptions and in the next episode, we will walk through a rubric for men to use. We are so glad YOU are here. Thanks for joining us for Season #8. Registration is OPEN for the next Worthy of Her Trust Workshop for men, outside San Antonio, TX. The workshop is April 24-26. Click here for all the details and to register. We have officially opened registration for the May RLW Retreat to the interest list. Next week, we will open registration to the public. You can click here for all the details. If you are interested in a couples conference/event, we would love for you to let us know by filling out this quick form. Ladies, would love for you to consider one of our support groups - there are three new groups starting in April. You can snag all the details here. Same with 1:1 Coaching - if you are curious about 1:1 coaching - start here. Anchored, led by Kate Jones, is SOLD OUT. It is a fantastic class, and if you are interested in taking this class in the future, join the WaitLIst here. No stress, it WILL come back! We will be uploading the video portion of the podcasts to the WOHT Academy website. If you scroll to the bottom of this page, you'll find the signup button for our Public Content Section. If the content is helpful, you might consider joining the Academy membership to access more teaching videos and weekly live teaching with our team. For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. Pocast Freebies can be found here. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses, and online courses - check out our websites :redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + monthly polls + all the things. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast

In this episode, we discuss how to engage empathetically when she is hurting. The key is: he HAS to integrate empathy in the day-to-day. Jason unpacks three principles to help men be more empathetic with her: Principle #1 - He can't turn on empathy in the hard moments alone. Instead, it's developing the character trait of empathy: being loving, tender, compassionate as a way of life. Principle #2 - He has to engage her pain outside the moment (stay connected to it), so that when the moment arises (when she is in pain), empathy is already there. Practical ways to do this: #1 - Intentionally think about the pain she has experienced. #2 - Three questions he asks: What does she feel? What do I feel for her? In light of where I am at today, how do I feel about myself and what I did in that situation? Principle #3 - Hard moments can't be the only time that she has a window into how he feels for her. He has to show up in the small moments (as well as the big moments). What this means: he has to bring it up. We decided to break this recording into a part 1 and part 2 - we will be back next week with the continuation. We are so glad YOU are here. Thanks for joining us for Season #8. The next Worthy of Her Trust Workshop for men, outside San Antonio, TX is in April. Join the WaitList for the April workshop. Registration opens MONDAY, March 2nd. The May RLW Retreat is right around the corner! Join the waitlist here to be the first to know when registration opens. If you are interested in a couples conference/event, we would love for you to let us know by filling out this quick form. Ladies, would love for you to consider one of our support groups - there are two new groups starting in March and several more starting in April. You can snag all the details here. Same with 1:1 Coaching - if you are curious about 1:1 coaching - start here. Anchored, led by Kate Jones, is SOLD OUT. It is a fantastic class, and if you are interested in taking this class in the future, join the WaitLIst here. No stress, it WILL come back! We will be uploading the video portion of the podcasts to the WOHT Academy website. If you scroll to the bottom of this page, you'll find the signup button for our Public Content Section. If the content is helpful, you might consider joining the Academy membership to access more teaching videos and weekly live teaching with our team. For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. Pocast Freebies can be found here. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses, and online courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + monthly polls + all the things. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast

In this episode, we talk about important questions women ask in the latter part of mid-recovery, while healing from sexual betrayal. Keep in mind in the latter part of mid-recovery (mouth. ful.) for women, there is a lot of internal processing going on - rhetorical questions, existential questions, continued how and why questions pertaining to grief. Here is what the podcast listener asked (same podcast listener as episode #108 - One Bad Decision Away): - Can I give my patched-up heart back to him? - Is holding back parts of my heart true healing? Jason and I talked a bit about the stages of recovery, and then I addressed the questions and explained how I would coach her if she came to me with them, with a posture of curiosity. For instance: - What are the areas of your heart that you feel you are holding back? - What do you feel as you hold these parts back? - What feels best to you right now - to hold back certain parts? Or no? - Is someone pressuring you to give back all of your heart? It's so important for women to have space to decide when, where, and how she chooses to give back parts of her heart to him. I don't want this point to be missed. In addition, I think it's important for women to allow themselves to be in this "in between", knowing it will continue to evolve. And it's also okay if what you hold back and what you give back to him ebbs and flows. We are so glad YOU are here. Thanks for joining us for Season #8. The next Worthy of Her Trust Workshop for men, outside San Antonio, TX is in April. Join the WaitList for the next workshop here. If you are interested in a couples conference/event, we would love for you to let us know by filling out this quick form. Ladies, would love for you to consider one of our support groups - there are two new groups starting in March and several more starting in April. You can snag all the details here. Same with 1:1 Coaching - if you are curious about 1:1 coaching - start here. Anchored, led by Kate Jones, is SOLD OUT. It is a fantastic class, and if you are interested in taking this class in the future, join the WaitLIst here. No stress, it WILL come back! We will be uploading the video portion of the podcasts to the WOHT Academy website. If you scroll to the bottom of this page, you'll find the signup button for our Public Content Section. If the content is helpful, you might consider joining the Academy membership to access more teaching videos and weekly live teaching with our team. For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. Pocast Freebies can be found here. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses, and online courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + monthly polls + all the things. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast

Valentine's Day can be a tender holiday for most women working to heal from sexual betrayal, namely, a painful reminder of what she doesn't have. In this episode, we discuss how to navigate this loaded holiday well, no matter where you are on the healing journey. What I would love for all women to do is reframe the holiday as an opportunity for her to truly take up her space, practice using her voice, and asking for (and figuring out) what she needs in order to make it a day that works for her. Jason chimed in and challenged men to see it as an opportunity to show her that he will honor her needs and her wants. So how do we do this exactly? #1 - Check out page 19 in the Rescued workbook - for the "Four Questions" mentioned in the episode. #2 - We talk about some of the things she might need Valentine's day to be, given it's such a loaded holiday: an ordinary day with no discussion. a galentine's day celebration. a day to grieve: get angry, sad, feel the hurt. a day to be known. #3 - Allow there to be NO pressure on her. Hard stop. This is both for her (and him) to embrace. Jason's practical strategies for guys: #1 - No expectations for the day (take it from Jason, as he clearly had expectations from me, as you will hear in this episode, given his resentment!!!). #2 - Hold off on surprises. #3 - Grandiosity is not the answer. #4 - Don't do something that reminds her of his past acting out. #5 - Humble Ownership. #6 - Initiate a conversation about the day. Front-load; expect the conversation could spiral. This is part of the process. After we stopped recording, I regretted not sharing a couple of other things. Four days later, as I type these show notes, I can't remember what they were. But at the time, they were GOOD thoughts. Hope what we did share is helpful! We are so glad YOU are here. Thanks for joining us for Season #8. For my mother's famous sugar cookie recipe (or possibly the Better Homes and Gardens cookbook recipe, not sure?!) - click on this link, I will include it in the next two {almost} monthly letters, to make sure all of you receive it! If you are interested in a couples conference/event, we would love for you to let us know by filling out this quick form. Ladies, would love for you to consider one of our support groups - there are two new groups starting in March! You can snag all the details here. Same with 1:1 Coaching - if you are curious about 1:1 coaching - start here. Anchored, led by Kate Jones, is SOLD OUT. It is a fantastic class, and if you are interested in taking this class in the future, join the WaitLIst here. No stress, it WILL come back! The Worthy of Her Trust Workshop for men, outside San Antonio, TX, is SOLD OUT. Join the WaitList for the next workshop here. We will be uploading the video portion of the podcasts to the WOHT Academy website. If you scroll to the bottom of this page, you'll find the signup button for our Public Content Section. If the content is helpful, you might consider joining the Academy membership to access more teaching videos and weekly live teaching with our team. For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. Podcast Freebies can be found here. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses, and online courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + monthly polls + all the things. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast

Hey Guys! Thanks for joining us today on Redemptive Living Radio, where we talk about healing from intimate betrayal relationally, as well as for women who have to make the choice to heal without him by her side (whether because he won't do the work or because she is done). In this episode, we discuss a listener question rooted in a comment Jason often makes: "I'm one bad decision away…". Her question: How do we continue to move forward / go through life with the reality that it could happen again? (To be clear, "it" being anything from acting out with pornography or affairs or anything and everything in between.) We start with clarifying Jason's comment (I'm one bad decision away…"). Jason says he doesn't share that to scare anyone, but to stay connected to humility and to the reality that a series of small decisions could lead him back there. We add in a third qualifier pertaining to the default setting being broken. None of this is an excuse, but rather the reality we are dealing with. I love it when Jason said, "It's not a statement of danger. It's a statement of capability." We then discuss the second part of the listener's question: how to move forward given this reality. I'm not going to fully recap it here, which makes it even more important to listen to what we share. It's important. But here are the three big things we talk about: his character change and continued growth - SO important. taking our husbands off the pedestal, which certainly cultivates humility in us gals. permission to continue to ask him questions / have convos about what had happened and how he is doing pertaining to integrity. At one point, I reference Genesis 2:21. I have a note to the side: "ribs" from v 21, with the note "close to his heart, under his arm." And isn't that what each of us desires pertaining to our husbands? (Oh, how hard this is!!!) We are so glad YOU are here. Thanks for joining us for Season #8. If you are interested in a couples conference/event, we would love for you to let us know by filling out this quick form. Ladies, would love for you to consider one of our support groups - there are two new groups starting in March! You can snag all the details here. Same with 1:1 Coaching - if you are curious about 1:1 coaching, start here. Anchored, led by Kate Jones, is SOLD OUT. It is a fantastic class, and if you are interested in taking this class in the future, join the WaitLIst here. No stress, it WILL come back! The Worthy of Her Trust Workshop for men, outside San Antonio, TX, is SOLD OUT. Join the WaitList for the next workshop here. We will be uploading the video portion of the podcasts to the WOHT Academy website. If you scroll to the bottom of this page, you'll find the signup button for our Public Content Section. If the content is helpful, you might consider joining the Academy membership to access more teaching videos and weekly live teaching with our team. For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. Podcast Freebies can be found here. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses, and online courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + monthly polls + all the things. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast

Welcome to Part Two of Blocks to Anger! In part 2 of the episode, we discuss the benefits of anger for both him and her, the root of anger, how to get angry, and the fear of getting stuck in anger. We jump right in and talk about some of the reasons Anger is so important - not just for HER to express but also for HIM to experience FROM her. If you don't listen to anything else, please listen from 4 to 8 minutes in. So incredibly important for everyone to hear. Benefits for her: Releases the pain and gets it OUT of her. SO important. Benefits for him: He gets connected to the gravity of the pain. The relationship won't be as susceptible to long-range resentment. Reframing the anger: It shows us what we value and also what we need to protect (as Jason said, it points us TO something). It will also help her stand firm, say "no", thus helping us as women find our boundaries. It will motivate her to work toward making things right. HOW does she find the 11/10 anger: Name what is NOT right. Create a space for the expression of it. Have a witness to your anger. We wrap up by talking about getting stuck in anger: We ride the wave when we get angry. We have to do it a couple of times to see if we can do it and move through the cycle (wave). Try it - we can always go back to stuffing our anger, why not try the reverse and get it out, and then reassess. We are so glad YOU are here. Thanks for joining us for Season #8. If you are interested in a couples conference/event, we would love for you to let us know by filling out this quick form. Guys, for more information on the February MasterClasses, click here and here; they start next week. Anchored, led by Kate Jones, is SOLD OUT. It is a fantastic class, and if you are interested in taking this class in the future, join the WaitLIst here. No stress, it WILL come back! The Worthy of Her Trust Workshop for men, outside San Antonio, TX, is SOLD OUT. Join the WaitList for the next workshop here. Ladies, would love for you to consider one of our support groups - there are two new groups starting in March! You can snag all the details here. We will be uploading the video portion of the podcasts to the WOHT Academy website. If you scroll to the bottom of this page, you'll find the signup button for our Public Content Section. If the content is helpful, you might consider joining the Academy membership to access more teaching videos and weekly live teaching with our team. For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. Podcast Freebies can be found here. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses, and online courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + monthly polls + all the things. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast

In this two-part episode series, we are talking about her anger and grief. We start by putting a name to some of the common things that cause her anger and grief to be blocked. 1 - Him doing good quantitative but not so great quantitative work. (Add to this the external validation he might be receiving, which further blocks her from tapping into her anger.) 2 - Childhood vows and how anger was modeled as a child. 3 - Church. 4 - Her being labeled as co-dependent. 5 - Him seen as the victim (struggler, addict, etc.). 6 - Bad recovery work on his part overall. 7 - If the cement hasn't dried yet. We will be back next week with reframing anger, speaking to the fear of getting stuck in it, and a "how-to" on engaging anger. We are so glad YOU are here. Thanks for joining us for Season #8. Guys, for more information on the February MasterClasses, click here and here. For more on qualitative versus quantitative work, see episode #68 - "What exactly IS good work?" Anchored, led by Kate Jones, is SOLD OUT. It is a fantastic class, and if you are interested in taking this class in the future, join the WaitLIst here. No stress, it WILL come back! The Worthy of Her Trust Workshop for men, outside San Antonio, TX, is SOLD OUT. Join the WaitList for the next workshop here. Ladies, would love for you to consider one of our support groups in the New Year! We have several starting, and you can snag all the details here. We will be uploading the video portion of the podcasts to the WOHT Academy website. If you scroll to the bottom of this page, you'll find the signup button for our Public Content Section. If the content is helpful, you might consider joining the Academy membership to access more teaching videos and weekly live teaching with our team. For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. Pocast Freebies can be found here. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses, and online courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + monthly polls + all the things. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast