Better Sex

Amanda Walker is a health lifestyle coach whose focus is on helping women feel better naked. She created the Feel Amazing Naked Program and the Feel Amazing Naked Podcast. She is the creator and blogger at awalkmyway.com. Amanda overcame a life of yo-yo dieting and emotional eating, allowing her to live a life where she controls her food, rather than her food controlling her. Now she uses her experience to help thousands of clients unearth the root causes of their food struggles to transform their bodies and their lives. She encourages her clients to lead fuller, healthier lives in which they can embrace their bodies and lose the self-consciousness and guilt that holds them back. Why ‘Feel Amazing Naked’? Amanda explains that many of her clients will lose a lot of weight, see the transformation, but continue to feel inadequate and lack confidence in daily life and their romantic relationships. She says that’s why it’s so important to feel amazing, in addition to looking amazing. When you feel amazing, she reminds us, confidence, and attractiveness can radiate outward and improve your sex life in ways that just looking amazing never will. She believes that looking and being healthy are important, though she doesn’t deny that some individuals can be very attractive even while carrying extra weight. But Amanda tells us that she’s about holistic self-growth that includes mindset elements along with health and body transformation. In order to set a course for individual clients, Ms. Walker informs us that she likes to ask clients what their goals are before they begin. She says that some clients want to lose weight, some want to work on weight-loss goals, and many want to work on mindset and body transformation goals. The Feminine Ideal and Modern Women Amanda suspects that women struggle with body image issues more than men do because social media and traditional media alike put increasingly perfect, and increasingly impossible feminine body ideals into the world. She explains that women are susceptible to these images of perfection from early adolescence onwards and that she feels her personal background with these influences makes her especially passionate about helping women get past the detrimental thoughts and poor mindset these cultural ideas impart. Ms. Walker also mentions that women are encouraged to serve many roles. She lists female roles like being parents, spouses, employees, and entrepreneurs as a small selection of the roles women are expected to fulfill, and she goes on to mention that the more women serve others or fulfill externalized ideals, the less in touch they are with their own needs and desires. She suggests that when people disconnect from their own, personal ideals, they also disconnect from the confidence that’s derived from having a clear view of one’s own desires, needs, and independent identity. She suggests that it’s necessary to serve yourself first sometimes, and it’s imperative that women stop feeling guilty about prioritizing themselves if they want to effectively interact with their friends and families. Confidence’s Link to Health and Happiness Amanda says that if we’re not clear on who we are and are not confident in who we are, then we can’t fully show up in our other relationships and roles in life. Lacking confidence, she explains, dims our light, and tries to hide who we are, while confidence allows for full investment in and involvement with the world. Especially in our sex lives, she says, lacking confidence can lead to us trying to literally hide the body that makes us insecure, and that inhibits connection. Ms. Walker explains that prioritizing health and making healthier choices also allows women’s confidence to improve because it encourages women to make more intentional actions. She suggests that this link between intentional living and growing confidence can encourage women to adopt more healthy changes, like becoming more active, which leads to more confidence and creates a healthy cycle of confidence-boosting. How to Change Your Habits Amanda points out that overeating is usually a coping mechanism being used to cover up something else. She says that people can undereat or overeat, but in either case, she encourages women to discover the root cause that’s preventing them from making the changes they desire. After observing the thoughts that accompany eating or other actions that need to change, she suggests that people can start to chip away at what’s really behind their unhealthy behaviors. By embracing the journey towards wellness and enjoying the systems that lead to our ultimate goals, Ms. Walker suggests that we can enjoy and appreciate where we are on our path to health. She uses the example of a person who wants to be a runner, saying that it’s essential to stop saying you can’t accomplish your goal. She explains that you must say you’re becoming a runner before you’ll let yourself become a person who runs. She reminds us that our thoughts change our beliefs, and changing our thoughts about who we are and what we can do can change our feelings and actions. She also explains that habits are easiest to change by taking small, consistent steps in the right direction. Initially, the tasks should be so easy that you make it hard for yourself to avoid the activity you want to add to your life. She tells us that aligning the actions of her clients with their goals is another important part of her work. To do that, she encourages her clients to look at what they’re actually doing, and accept that those are their priorities right now. Only by changing their actions, she explains, can her clients truly change their lives. Morning Celebrations Amanda encourages her clients to look in the mirror with a dry erase marker and write down one thing they love about themselves each day in the mirror. She says that the constantly lengthening reminder of awesome things about you helps to remind you of how awesome you are. Root Causes of Unhealthy Choices Amanda tells us that time management, not understanding how habits are formed, negative self-talk, and limiting beliefs are a few of the root causes that prevent her clients from making the changes they desire. Being Intentional About Sex Amanda knows that poor body image often limits people’s sex lives, but she also finds that simply talking about sex and bedroom confidence with her clients makes them feel more comfortable approaching and talking about sex in their own lives. Ms. Walker admits that even in her own life, she often fails to manage her time intentionally enough to have time with her husband before the end of the day. To combat this tendency and retain intimacy in romantic relationships, she says we must stop, pause, and make a commitment to approach sex earlier in the day and give our best selves to our partners. She tells us that pausing to think about and realign our actions helps us remember to connect with our spouses and often rejuvenates our lives romantically and sexually. She also insists that taking care of yourself and building your self-love makes it much easier to give yourself freely in intimate contexts. Amanda’s Favorite Weight-Loss Tip Amanda advocates time management and meal planning as great first steps. She suggests planning your food intake a day in advance because having a plan and being fully intentional about food intake solves a lot of problems. She says that just being mindful of what you’re eating, which this type of planning requires, starts to create a spiral of success. Resources for Amanda Walker: https://feelamazingnaked.com/podcast/ https://feelamazingnaked.com/challenge/ https://www.awalkmyway.com https://amzn.to/2SU2tMN https://amzn.to/2DamkSA More info:Link to the free guide – Talking About Sex: http://bettersexpodcast.com/talkJoin my email list here: http://bettersexpodcast.com/listBook and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.comWeb – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/Better Sex with Jessa Zimmermanhttps://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/122-feel-amazing-naked-amanda-walkerWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass Get full access to Jessa Zimmerman at jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Harriet joins us in this episode and shares her how her childhood molestation led to compulsive eating, a fear of men, painful sex, and other hallmarks of traumatic experiences before she was taught to conceptualize her trauma as an unfinished tribal initiation. She shares her story in this episode. Accepting Trauma as Real and Valid Harriet tells us she was molested by a neighbor at the age of nine, but her mind quickly blocked the memory. When she remembered the event at the age of fifteen, her first thought was, ‘This happens to loads of people.’ She mentions that this happened thirty years ago, in a time that didn’t discuss topics like child abuse openly, but she knew enough to be aware that others had similar experiences.  She talks about minimizing her trauma by comparing her own experiences to those of others, and deciding that her pain wasn’t too bad, because her experience was not especially violent or awful. By reading Peter Levine’s book Healing Trauma, Harriet learned that comparing trauma is misguided because trauma is marked by feeling overwhelmed and unable to escape. She recalls this insight as liberating. Remembering the Trauma Harriet says the memory of the abuse resurfaced when her father, a social worker, was making videos for his job. Harriet describes turning away from the camera while playing the role of an abused teenage girl when the memories came flooding back. She explains that her memories resurfaced in later years too when she was 22 years old and volunteering at a homeless hostel. One day a man who’d been staying at the hostel was arrested for molesting a child, and Harriet says she felt like ‘the curtain was drawn back’ and she saw her difficulties clearly. Harriet reports that this experience made returning to the job intolerable, as it stirred up awful emotions, but it also made her understand that her trauma was a major problem, and not something to be ignored. She explains that this incident led her to seek help, but counseling and medication proved unhelpful. Harriet’s Younger Years As a teenager, Harriet describes intense self-hatred and a desperate longing for a boyfriend despite an instinctual, intense fear of men. She explains that she coped with these emotions by overeating. For her, food was a rare source of pleasure. She explains that her self-image of being an awful person and a desire to be bigger and safer fuelled her overeating. Despite these difficulties, Harriet excelled at school and went to college. After working as a teacher for a few years, Harriet tells us she met her husband, who was the only man she’d ever felt safe around. Her desire to have children encouraged her to push past her struggles, which allowed her to have two children. Harriet explains that she always felt pain with sex, and never found it to be a pleasurable experience. Making Peace with Her Emotions Upon reaching 40, Harriet tells us that she was determined to conquer her food issues. After hypnotherapy, self-hypnosis, journaling, and a lot of reading Harriet discovered a book that she says changed her life, The Language of Emotions by Karla McLaren. By discovering the useful and harmful instances of emotional expression, Harriet says she was able to shed her shame about her emotional dysregulation and better manage her feelings. Understanding Trauma as Tribal Initiation Harriet tells us about a full chapter of McLaren’s book around trauma. In that chapter, she describes tribal initiation as a three-part process. She says the young boy is removed from the support of a tribe, then experiences an ordeal by struggling while away from his support system. The final part is the victorious return to his support system; it is this third step that Harriet and McLaren tells us is missing for trauma victims.  Harriet also mentions that people who don’t pass the initiation return to the tribe, and must go out again until they find their ordeal and they can be acknowledged as an adult member of the tribe. They assert that this parallels the habit victims of abuse have of seeking out more abuse. Harriet explains that this made it easier for her to forgive herself for choosing abusive situations in her youth, as she was able to recontextualize it as a subconscious attempt to be welcomed back to her tribe as a full member. Reaching Stage Three She explains that in the modern world, we still need the community experience of tribal life, but she admits we often have to welcome ourselves back to the tribe while applauding ourselves for what we’ve survived. Harriet also mentions that we often form our own tribes in private or professional life to give us the acceptance and community we need. Harriet states that she spent many years as a self-professed victim, but she was able to reach stage three instead, and use her history to provide help to people with similar backgrounds to overcome their struggles. Rewards of Resolving Trauma Sometime after reaching stage three, Harriet explains that her marriage ended and she was able to date again. Unlike in her previous life, she found men exciting and attractive instead of frightening. She says it felt like being a teenager again, but this time without the trauma damaging her life. Now, Harriet reports that sex is pain-free and extremely enjoyable. Harriet’s Advice Harriet reminds us that horrible experiences happen to many of us, but there’s no undoing the past, so it’s best to find the gift in the experience. She advises people to find the lesson in our experiences and employ those benefits to reframe the experience as a component of our backgrounds, rather than as a defining characteristic. She explains that being vulnerable without being a victim is an incredibly powerful position that allows us to reassure others—and reassure ourselves—that there are others with similar experiences who you can help by processing your past and reaching stage three. Resources for Harriet: https://amzn.to/2ANMZn2 http://www.theshiftinside.com/podcast-me-too-release-your-trauma-and-put-food-out-of-a-job-it-was-never-meant-to-do/ More info:Link to the free guide – Talking About Sex: http://bettersexpodcast.com/talkJoin my email list here: http://bettersexpodcast.com/listBook and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.comWeb – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/Better Sex with Jessa Zimmermanhttps://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass Get full access to Jessa Zimmerman at jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

The Pressures on Men in the Bedroom Dr. Corey Allan is a Marriage and Family Therapist and Licensed Professional Counselor with a Ph.D. in Family Therapy. He has a private practice in McKinney, TX. With his wife, Pam, he hosts a weekly podcast, Sexy Marriage Radio, to help married couples engage with each other and have the best possible sex. He also established sexymarriage.net, a website that strengthens and deepens married relationships. In all his work, he helps people embrace their choice to live life and be married deliberately while growing spiritually, enhancing passion, and embracing the people and events we encounter with joy and simplicity. The Sex Men Desire Corey points out that men are expected to want sex at all times. He stresses that society generally expects men to initiate sex and pursue sex to the exclusion of other romantic and familial goals. Dr. Allan says that many men balk at the expectation because they also experience relationship goals that are more stereotypically feminine, like the desire for emotional intimacy, romance, affection, and lasting interpersonal bonds. When men deny their desire for the quintessentially feminine aspects of sex, they aren’t bolstering their masculinity but missing out on something ineluctably human. Dr. Allan discusses that men and women do have different biological strengths and weaknesses, and they have desires and abilities that statistically differ. He laments the generation of men raised almost exclusively by women and the specter of ‘toxic masculinity’ that produced. He agrees that acknowledging feminine needs in men is important, but it’s equally important for men to live up to their own forthright and healthy forms of masculinity with integrity and honesty. Ten Women, One Man Corey describes a hypothetical scenario posed by Dr. Glover. In it, he posits that a man can have an orgasm with ten of the hottest women of his choice. In that scenario, Dr. Glover asks how long each man would take to accomplish that goal. Dr. Allan says that a young man might be able to do it in a weekend, but given male refractory periods, age-related fluctuations in desire, and the increased time and effort required to please women, he thinks it might take men in their 30s or 40s two or three weeks. He mentions that a woman in a comparable scenario could have sex many more times in a smaller period of time due to the capacity for multiple orgasms and not needing to maintain erections.  Corey believes that because of women’s biological capacity to “go and go” and men’s need to fulfill and satisfy that potentially endless desire, many men are, on some level, afraid of female sexuality—it’s intimidating. Dr. Allan discusses that while male attraction is believed to be fairly straightforward, women’s desire and arousal are more mysterious. He says that reaching beyond the mechanical, physical acts is necessary to facilitate female fulfillment. Instead of following the formula of what worked last time, Corey encourages men to open up a real dialogue with their partners to find out what’s arousing that day without feeling like failures for not intuiting everything. The Role and Meaning of Erections Corey brings up the fact that men often have erectile issues and says that the heavy expectations placed upon men can lead to a cycle of harmful thoughts that perpetuate the situation. He mentions that even women see erections as signs of their own attractiveness; they worry that if a man doesn’t gain an erection, it means he doesn’t desire her.  Corey reminds us that sexual encounters are intimate sessions between two people—they may or may not involve disrobing, and don’t need to involve intercourse or erections. He says that focusing on erections or the superficial characteristics that women assume decrease male desire misses the point. In Dr. Allan’s opinion, attraction to the whole, nuanced being within the skin we wear is what produces sexual desire, not any external feature men or women may have. He believes that getting the chance to ‘taste the essence of the person’ is what makes sex incredible, not mere genital stimulation. Sexual Expectations of Men Corey claims that a great many expectations rest upon the behavior of a body part that’s only three, six, or nine inches long, and that creates performance anxiety and harms men’s sexual desire. Men are expected to always be ready and willing to have sex, to sexually satisfy their partners, and to initiate sexual activity. He claims that always being expected to initiate sex can create leadership fatigue, and many men would be grateful if women took up some of that responsibility. With full responsibility to initiate, men can fall into an uncertain headspace that worries about the implications of them pursuing more or less sex than usual, such as making their partner feel less desired or being accused of only caring about sex. He believes that acknowledging sex in a slow burn element of daily life can ease some of that tension by decreasing the tendency to pathologize differing sex drives. The Role of Masturbation Dr. Allan believes that sex and masturbation too often go hand in hand. He acknowledges that arousal will occur from myriad sources, but he believes it’s healthier to turn to utilize one’s own memories and fantasies for masturbatory content rather than pursuing porn, because those mental scenes make it easier to transform that randomly produced arousal towards one’s spouse, which he believes is the healthiest use of sexual arousal. Corey admits that other masturbatory habits are valid, but reiterates that it’s essential to prevent the formation of secrets and deceit within relationships, which excessive porn usage can create. He suggests that if porn usage is driven by consistent sexual rejections from your spouse, it’s healthier to approach her and try to solve the problem than it is to masturbate the problem away. Resources for Corey Allan: http://sexymarriage.net More info:Link to the free guide – Talking About Sex: http://bettersexpodcast.com/talkJoin my email list here: http://bettersexpodcast.com/listBook and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.comWeb – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/Better Sex with Jessa Zimmermanhttps://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass Get full access to Jessa Zimmerman at jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Jessica Drake is an adult film performer, writer, and director. She’s also a sexual health advocate and sex educator. Her onscreen work earned her numerous awards, including three AVN Best Actress Awards. Jessica is a graduate of San Francisco Sex Information (SFSI) and a member of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT). To encourage sexual health and wellness, Ms. Drake conceived and produced the award-winning “Guide to Wicked Sex” videos exploring and demonstrating different aspects of human sexuality with knowledge, experience, and good humor. Her advocacy for improved sexual education, broader awareness of sexual health, and her positive portrayal of the adult industry has led to multiple international speaking engagements and being featured in Cosmopolitan, The Daily Beast, CNBC, Playboy, Forbes, the Huffington Post, and more. She is a powerful advocate for sexual health and sexual education, improving the wellbeing and lives of her audiences. From Performing to Educating While Jessica was paying her way through school as an exotic dancer, she recalls meeting a group of people who worked in pornography and invited her to get involved. She says she initially took them up on their offer by doing softcore, solo magazine shoots and working as an extra in edgier, sexier shows on HBO, Cinemax, and Showtime. When her friends offered to show her a porn shoot and let her help out behind the scenes, Jessica was shocked by how much the reality of shooting pornography varied from her preconceptions. At this shoot, she “fell in love” with the controlled and safe eroticism, self-expression, and creativity afforded by filming pornography. She discusses performing in porn films soon thereafter, and signing a contract with Wicked a full decade after filming her first movie. Jessica describes the beginning of her work for Wicked as an actress dedicated to her craft, whether she was delivering scripted lines or performing intimate scenes. She explains that her interest in educating the public started when people would approach her with questions about sex during her promotional appearances at adult stores. From their questions, Jessica deduced a real need for education about fundamental elements of human sexuality, so she created her video series, “Jessica Drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex,” to augment her educational talks and workshops, and meet that need for sexual education. Ethics in the Sex Industry Jessica shares her perspective on mainstream media, labeling it as condescending towards the porn industry, often using buzzwords like ‘trafficking’ and ‘coercion’ to sensationalize their stories. Despite these stories, she asserts that she’s never seen or heard of anyone being coerced or pressured into doing porn; pointing out that trafficking is not welcomed in the industry at all. She lists the legal documents, contracts, codes of conduct, and proofs of identity that people must complete in order to film for any studio and explains that many groups, from anti-porn feminists to religious fundamentalists have reasons to oppose the porn industry, but is aware their opposition largely stems from misinformation. While she admits that some abuse has happened in the past, she argues that modern performers are more vocal about this although coercive and unethical practices are very rare in the industry and are rooted in hearsay. Civil Rights of Sex Workers The rights sex workers should be afforded are basic human rights, according to Jessica. Currently, she explains that lawmakers pass legislation that can endanger the lives and livelihoods of sex workers under the guise of preventing trafficking. She recounts a story in which she was asked to sign a petition to “help poor women in porn” who were being abused. She explains that the porn industry is so marginalized and stigmatized that starting these campaigns is common and often leads to legislation that infringes upon the civil rights of sex workers. Porn as Sexual Education Jessica reminds us that the porn industry isn’t responsible for providing sexual education, but she admits that many parents’ reticence to discuss sexuality with their children, and legal restrictions leading to practices such as abstinence-only sex ed, has created a knowledge gap that porn is inadvertently filling. In watching porn, many viewers erroneously expect to be able to emulate what they see and receive the same results shown in porn movies. To combat this misinformation, Jessica explains that she pursued educational credentials to create her series of guides. Her videos have her narration throughout, interviews with the performers, and two or three hardcore demonstrative scenes to highlight the practical applications of the information conveyed. With this she has started building credibility as an educator, with increasing appearances at prestigious educational venues. Due to these appearances, she says that she’s worked to fight the stigma against sex and sex education. Porn movies, Jessica discusses, usually present a streamlined, polished, finished product. She describes her educational videos as differing by showing the nonlinear and more technical aspects of having sex, like applying lube, putting on condoms, and locating specific places on human bodies. She explains that she’s also educated people about communication during sex, massage, body worship, and navigating sex with plus sized partners. Creating Senior Sex Jessica describes meeting and bonding with Joan Price at a conference. Several years later, Jessica invited Joan Price to collaborate with her on Senior Sex, a video that helps senior citizens navigate talking about sex, approach kink, and even find new partners. She discussed her difficulties casting senior sex; she wanted to cast people of color in the film to help the content be relatable to more audiences, but was unable to book any by filming time. Jessica is particularly effusive about senior sex, due to society training people to be repulsed by the idea of wrinkles, old age, and sexuality in old age. She reminds us that we’re all ‘seniors in training’ to help us overcome our cultural prejudices. Resources for Jessica Drake: https://www.guidetowickedsex.com https://twitter.com/thejessicadrake https://www.instagram.com/jessicadrake/ http://www.wicked.com More info:Link to the free guide – Talking About Sex: http://bettersexpodcast.com/talkJoin my email list here: http://bettersexpodcast.com/listBook and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.comWeb – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/Better Sex with Jessa Zimmermanhttps://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass Get full access to Jessa Zimmerman at jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Dr. Belous is an Associate Professor, the Director of the Couple and Family Therapy Center at Purdue University Northwest, and a practicing therapist. He is a certified sex therapist and educator, a certified family life educator, and a certified gay-affirmative psychotherapist. He is on the editorial board of the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy and the American Journal of Family Therapy. He is the founding chairperson of the Couples and Intimate Relationships Topical Interest Network and is the treasurer of the Queer and Trans Affirmative Network for the AAMFT. He is a sex and sexuality researcher focusing on social justice and couple and family therapy education and supervision. He has over 20 published works, has given more than 40 presentations at national and international conferences, and has completed 7 different research grants.  The Cass Identity Formation Model Dr. Belous has done research on the process of coming out and helped people integrate their sexual identity into their holistic concept of themselves. He explains that science has worked to understand the coming out process for years. He gives The Cass Identity Formation Model as an example from the 1970s. Dr. Belous tells us her model begins with ‘confusion,’ the stage where people discover they aren’t heterosexual. ‘Comparison,’ the stage where people decide to act straight or gay, is second. ‘Tolerance’ is the third step; which Chris describes as the stage when people acknowledge their sexuality without fully accepting it. He says that leads to ‘acceptance,’ when a person’s sexual identity is fully accepted, and people start coming out. He tells us the fifth step is called ‘identity pride,’ which is when people become activists, march in parades, and broadcast their sexuality. Her final stage, he explains, is ‘identity synthesis,’ when a person’s sexual identity is integrated with their everyday personality. Chris mentions that this model has many drawbacks, including its presumptions that straight people don’t have to go through sexual identity integration, and its presumption that gay people must believe they’re heterosexual before they realize they’re gay. A Multidimensional Model of Sexual Identity Formation Dr. Belous more often works with a multidimensional model of sexual identity formation rooted in social constructionism and developed by Horowitz and Newcomb. He explains that in their model sexual identity is more fluid, and their system is less linear. With the Cass model, people look at their behavior to see where they are on a very linear scale. However, Chris describes Horowitz and Newcomb’s model as referencing behaviors, desires, and experiences to form a coherent but temporary understanding of one’s sexual identity.  The Minority Stress Theory Chris explains that the minority stress theory was initially developed by Ilan Meyer to describe LGBTQ+ identities, but has expanded to include other minorities like race, ethnicity, and culture. When used in the context of sexual identity it codifies the fact that being LGBTQ+ is more stressful than being cisgender and heterosexual. Dr. Belous relates that the crux of the matter is that gay people have to come out repeatedly and coming out always involves theoretical or actual threats to their emotional, physical, and social safety. Stress is also compounded, Chris tells us, by the need to constantly fight against assumptions due to their sexuality. Mental health concerns like anxiety and depression are much higher in the LGBTQ+ community, and Dr. Belous believes that this theory accounts for that disparity. Coming Out is More Stressful than Staying Closeted Chris tells us that research has proven coming out is more stressful than staying closeted. In many parts of the world, he reminds us, coming out means you’re risking your life, while it’s a minor issue elsewhere. He tells us deciding to come out is influenced by their family of origin, personal values, and beliefs, and the environment one lives in. In Dr. Belous’ research men often claimed they had to come out because of the depression, anxiety, irritability, and aggression that resulted from being closeted. Nearly half of the men he interviewed exhibited stereotypically gay traits that made people assume they were gay before they came out.  How to Come Out Dr. Belous acknowledges that there is a lot of information online about coming out but reminds us that their information is usually based upon one person’s very good or very bad experience with coming out. He encourages people to watch the videos and consider the advice out there, but he reminds us that your own experience of coming out may be very different. His advice is to think about the people in your life to find the person it’s safest to come out to. He says you should look for someone who’s very supportive and an ally of the community. Chris warns that coming out is hardest the first time, and he encourages practicing first, but he emphasizes that you deserve to feel authentic and to be relieved of the weight of this secret. Coming Out Safely When helping people come out, Dr. Belous emphasizes safety. Coming out to the wrong parents can lead to being kicked out and starting a downward spiral that leads to drug use and sex work. Those risks mean Chris advises some minors to remain closeted while living with their parents. Waiting until you are taking care of yourself or you have another place to live and sleep if things go wrong is essential. Impact of Stereotypes on Sexual Identity Dr. Belous explains that people like to put others into simple, stereotyped categories. He says that when gay men come out, people expect them to fit feminine stereotypes. Similarly, lesbians are expected to be masculine, and women with masculine traits are assumed to be lesbians. He says stereotypes can hinder people’s desire to come out because they can make people feel like they don’t fit in as a gay person when they don’t fulfill those stereotypes. Chris points out that people who are bisexual, pansexual, demisexual, or any other sexual identity that doesn’t fit in the heterosexual or homosexual box often run into similar problems. They can be rejected by both communities for not choosing one or the other. Bisexuals also suffer from bi-erasure, which Dr. Belous illustrated by describing a bi man in a relationship with a woman. He also explains bi privilege, when happens when bi people are out with their different-sex significant other and have most people recognize their relationship and treat them appropriately, while homosexual men and women are often presumed to be friends or brothers. Advice for Parents He advises all parents to think about what values they want to communicate to their child, and what kind of person they want their child to become. Parents also need to identify things that are 100% unacceptable to them. When this happens, Chris says visiting a therapist to make a plan for when those things happen is a good idea, because if you don’t have a plan, you’re not going to react well. He suggests not under or overreacting if your child comes out as a homosexual.  If you suspect your child is gay, be as supportive of the LGBTQ+ community as possible and talk about homosexuality and how it’s okay when it comes up. Those small changes can be enough to make children feel safe coming out. Chris also reminds us that there are completely heterosexual people who interact with the world in ways that mimic gay stereotypes. Those children will frequently be mistaken for homosexuals, and it’s important not to presume your child is homosexual because of stereotypes they personify. Resources for Christopher Belous: https://academics.pnw.edu/marriage-family-therapy/member/christopher-k-belous-phd-lmft/ http://www.thebsi.org https://www.instagram.com/chrisbelous/ More info:Link to the free guide – Talking About Sex: http://bettersexpodcast.com/talkJoin my email list here: http://bettersexpodcast.com/listBook and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.comWeb – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/Better Sex with Jessa Zimmermanhttps://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass Get full access to Jessa Zimmerman at jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

After accumulating nine years of experience working as an obstetrician and gynecologist at Swedish OB/GYN Specialists First Hill, Ashley Fuller transformed her practice into gynecology and sexual health. She claims that she was better able to pursue her passion for women’s sexual health by removing the obstetrics branch of her practice. In her practice she offers checkups, gynecological surgery, and regular exams including pap smears and STD screenings. She aims to help women with sexual and gynecological problems evaluate treatment options and make the best choices for their needs and lifestyles. Gynecologists are often Ill-prepared for Sexual Health ProblemsIn her previous practice as an OB/GYN, Dr. Fuller would have women present with sexual health problems such as low libido. While managing women’s sexual health is an important part of gynecological practice, the treatment of sexual health issues related to the vulva are not covered with any depth in residencies or medical training programs. Because of this oversight, Ashley says that when women asked her about sexual health problems, she frequently didn’t know how to help them. In an effort to fulfill this need of her patients, Ashley shifted her focus from obstetrics and gynecology to gynecology and sexual health.  Evaluating Low Libido in Premenopausal WomenWhile menopause does affect libido, when a premenopausal woman presents with low libido, Dr Fuller begins by having her patient fill out the Decreased Sexual Desire Screener (DSDS), a worksheet that asks about SSRI use, possible relationship problems, painful sex, stress and fatigue, and several other common causes of sexual dysfunction in women. Ashley points out that not all of the possible causes are physical, and in those cases, she often refers patients to a therapist or sex therapist. Some causes of sexual dysfunction are physical, and in those cases, medication, hormone treatments, or other tangible interventions may be needed. The great news is Ashley tells us about libido treatment for pre- and post-menopausal women! Tune in for the details! How Giving Birth Impacts LibidoDr. Fuller lists several bodily and environmental changes involved with giving birth that negatively influence libido. As physical causes go, Ashley explains that breastfeeding women often have a very dry vagina, which can cause unpleasant or painful sex, and being postpartum entails hormonal changes that can lower libido. Psychosocial factors change the relationship between partners, as newborns often require nighttime care and fail to sleep through the night, leading to parental fatigue and increased stress.  Mental Health Influences LibidoAshley mentions that depression and the SSRIs that treat it can both reduce libido. She looks for chronic opioid use and addiction issues, obesity, poor body image, and even poor heart health, all of which can contribute to low libido and need to be treated before hormone therapy should be attempted. Painful SexWe learn that tight muscles in the pelvic floor can cause pain upon deeper penetration. When the muscular source of pain is found, physical therapy is often helpful. Ashley also suggests the Ohnut to allow for shallower penetration, and she says that women with this problem can improve with physical therapy. Psychological TreatmentDr. Fuller finds that many of her patients have psychological issues that influence their pain levels. Ashley emphasizes that she isn’t saying their pain is imaginary, but she believes pain influences our psychology. “When you know something is going to hurt, she says it’s natural to tense up, but tensing up also activates the pelvic muscles, causing pain during intercourse.” The secret is to relax! Vulvar Pain Causes and TreatmentAshley treats a lot of patients with vulvodynia. She says it often stems from hormone changes, especially hormone changes that appear around menopause. Birth control pills can also lead to very low testosterone levels and cause vulvar pain while some vulvar pain stems from an immune cascade where an overactive immune system attacks the vulva, causing inflammation. She warns that it can be a long path to significant relief, but she enjoys the process of treatment and is grateful for the opportunity to change her patients’ lives for the better. Resources for Ashley Fuller:https://www.swedish.org/swedish-physicians/profile.aspx?name=ashley+e+fuller&id=157760 https://www.swedish.org/locations/swedish-ob-gyn-specialists-first-hill https://www.sexhealthmatters.org/resources/decreased-sexual-desire-screener https://addyi.com/addyi/ https://ohnut.co https://www.orilissa.com/ https://www.lupronped.com/ More info:Link to the free guide – Talking About Sex: http://bettersexpodcast.com/talkJoin my email list here: http://bettersexpodcast.com/listBook and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.comWeb – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/Better Sex with Jessa Zimmermanhttps://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass Get full access to Jessa Zimmerman at jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Domina Franco is a New York City based sex educator, coach, and writer. Franco completed her Masters in Human Sexuality at Widener University and helps clients of all genders and orientations clarify, explore and enhance their sex lives. She guest lectures at universities around the country and provides one-on-one coaching as well as trainings and workshops that cover pleasure exploration, empowerment, kink and alternative relationship models.  Defining Sexual Authenticity Domina defines sexual authenticity as approaching your sexuality in a way that’s true to your desires while honoring what you need, what you want, and your boundaries. She warns that it requires a lot of honesty with yourself and others, both of which can be difficult. Unpacking Hang-ups “People don’t give themselves enough credit for acting against social norms.” Domina says accepting ourselves and our sexual selves despite cultural resistance requires courage and involves the hard work of cultural unpacking. She admits that overcoming stigma and shame takes a lot of courage. Many people, Domina reminds us, were raised in conservative social or religious groups, and beliefs about sex, gender, and sexuality inherited from those groups can create lifelong hang-ups. Even people who don’t come from conservative backgrounds can have hang-ups, she admits, but regardless of your hang-ups or their origin, she insists that it’s imperative to get in touch with your genuine needs and align yourself with your authentic sexuality.   Not Accepting Your Sexuality Divorces You from Your Partners Even if it’s condemned by social norms, Domina believes it’s important to accept or, better, rejoice in our sexuality. If we can’t do that, she warns that sex will be unfulfilling. She further warns us that if our genuine sexuality is too different from what we act out in reality, we may be traumatized by the sex we force ourselves to endure.  She believes sex is about connection, but we pull away and compartmentalize our true emotions when we engage in sex acts that we don’t find fulfilling. When we aren’t present and attentive during sex, we aren’t just pulling away, we’re also growing more distant from our partners, which she says defeats the relationship-building purpose of sex. Sex is Something We Learn to Do Safely Domina warns that your first few times authentically expressing your sexuality may not grant you the full connectivity found in sex either, because it can be difficult to relax into activities that society condemns or stigmatizes, but embracing and acting upon your true sexual desires allows for the vulnerability and joy that create emotional connections between people. In short, she assures us that the connection and enjoyment will improve with time and practice.  Human Sexuality is Relative We hear what Domina things about this when she asserts that everything is relative, “Somebody’s flogging and needle play is somebody else’s doggy style.” But despite these differences, she makes it clear that ‘vanilla shaming’ people is not okay while reinforcing the fact that there’s no hierarchy of sexual desires, and it doesn’t make sense to compare human sexuality in that way. Knowing that everyone—including you—deserves to be sexually fulfilled is what’s most important.  Embracing Truth Can Change Your Relationship You need to roll the dice and share your sexual truth if you want to be fulfilled. The alternative is being perpetually unsatisfied, according to Domina. She acknowledges that this can be scary but reminds that courage is acting while feeling fear. Domina always hopes that people find the mustard seed of courage they need to pursue their true desires. Talking about Sexual Goals with Your Partner Once you know your authentic self, she says, you can speak your truth. She tells us we can start speaking our truth in a place as safe and impersonal as an online community, but she believes that sharing your truth with someone who’s important to you in person is more helpful.  Many of her clients don’t feel comfortable talking about their fantasies face-to-face, even with their partners. Sometimes her clients write letters or emails to their partners to get around this limitation but face-to-face discussions, Domina explains, should take place in a neutral, nonjudgmental, accepting environment. She says both parties should be sober, fully clothed, and in a receptive mood. The conversation should provide a safe space for both of you to air your desires, and both parties must aim to accept what the other says, even if they can’t meet all the needs voiced. Sometimes Partners Can’t Meet Our Needs Heartwarming stories of acceptance are great, but Domina admits that not everyone is accepted when they decide to be authentic. She reminds us that some partners do not want to participate in our kinks. Just like not everyone shares the same taste in food, not all partners are going to be okay with everything we want to try sexually. Being Single While Exploring Your Sexuality Domina wants to point out that doing this can be harder when you’re single because you’ll be having a lot of conversations with a lot of different people who will have a lot of different reactions. However, the only way to meet people who can fulfill your sexual needs is to keep sharing and being open about your sexuality. On a good note, she points out the experience gained by being open with new people will quickly raise your confidence, making it much easier to discuss sexual matters with potential partners. Resources for Domina Franco: http://www.dominafranco.com https://www.instagram.com/domina_franco for Q&As on Mondays https://www.twitter.com/Domina_Franco https://www.facebook.com/DominaFrancoCoach More info:Link to the free guide – Talking About Sex: http://bettersexpodcast.com/talkJoin my email list here: http://bettersexpodcast.com/listBook and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.comWeb – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/Better Sex with Jessa Zimmermanhttps://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass Get full access to Jessa Zimmerman at jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh is a global thought leader in psychosexual therapy, couple counseling, and social psychology. A former member of the International Federation of Journalists, Dr. Sara combined her journalism experience with her expertise in sexuality and relationships, to host a program called Whispers for the BBC World Service. The show received the BBC’s Innovation of the Year Award in 2007 and continues to gather Farsi-speaking viewers around the world. In 2007, she earned the World Association for Sexual Health runner-up award for Excellence and Innovation for her human development work. Harper’s Bazaar named her as one of the Best Love Doctors, and DatingAdvice.com named her one of the 10 Best Sex and Dating Experts in 2015.  She is the author of three books in English: Orgasm Answer Guide, Sexual Health Needs and Preferences of Young People, and Wheel of Context for Sexuality Education. Recently, she developed the Emergent Love model as an antidote to Love Confusion and the design of a validated inventory called the Relationship Panoramic Inventory to help couples assess and develop their relationships. Her personal and professional life is defined by her goal of creating world peace one relationship at a time. Types of Love Dr. Sara explains that there are several types of love. Eros is the passionate, romantic love we usually think about. Philia is the affectionate love we feel for family members. Storge is friendship love, Ludus is game-playing love, Mania is possessive love, Pragma is practical love, Philautia is self-love, and Agape is selfless love. She suggests listeners take the Love Attitudes Scale test to find out what types of love show up in their relationships. In her practice, she found that a lot of couples who scored highly in the Philia aspect of their relationship came to her with the statement, “I love my partner, but I’m not in love with my partner.” Dr. Sara believes that it’s useful to be aware of these different types of love, as it can clarify the fact that people truly do love their partners, even if their current love feels different than it did initially.  Dr. Sara’s contribution to the realm of love and sex is making the distinction between submergent and emergent love in relationships. Submergent love happens when two people need to spend a lot of time together and are over the moon when they’re with each other, she tells us, and emergent love is the developed, calmer love that comes after partners know each other better. What if You Don’t Feel Butterflies when They Walk in the Room? Dr. Sara explains that Helen Fisher researched this infatuated, honeymoon period of love and found out that it lasts, on average, two years. According to Dr. Sara, this early, submergent stage is something to build up the relationship from, not an experience meant to be sustained indefinitely. She also mentions that submergent love isn’t necessary to create a fulfilling romantic relationship, and people shouldn’t feel bad for not feeling that way about their partner. Many people she consults worry because they don’t feel butterflies or intense passion, and it makes them wonder if they’re supposed to feel their love in their heart and ‘just know’ if a person is right for them. Dr. Sara shares her distinction between submergent and emergent love helps people better understand these foundations of love “it is something you do, not something that happens to you that you have no control over.”  Five Ingredients of Emergent Love Dr. Sara spent time studying 312 relationships to discern what qualities were important to couples who were not only happy but thriving in their current relationships. The five ingredients that they shared are a shared vision, compassion/empathy, physical attraction, respect, and shared values. This research is where she says she learned that romantic, passionate, submergent love was not necessary, and that even couples who began with that kind of love moved beyond it and developed a different kind of love that John Gottman calls compassionate love. Individual Traits Conducive to Emergent Love In an attempt to generalize and solidify her findings, she created a study that surveyed 306 US individuals and 159 US couples who rated their relationships from satisfied to thriving. She reports that they had people of many orientations and relationship types, and they controlled for educational level, economic background, and some other variables. She found four levels of identifiers of satisfying relationships, the first of which was individual fundamentals. She teaches us about this first identifier by comparing love to dancing; we dance with partners, but before we can dance, we have to do things like stretching to avoid getting hurt and make it easier to dance. Individual fundamentals are the ‘stretching’ portion of finding love, which she describes as the ability to connect moral values, have positive thoughts and emotions, be present and mindful, have a healthy financial attitude, and be capable of abstract thinking. While some of her clients insisted that if these were the requirements, they could never develop those healthy traits well enough to sustain a healthy relationship, Dr. Sara considers these findings to be a source of hope, because each trait can be improved and developed with the help of a therapist. Non-negotiable Traits of Sustainable Relationships The next level of requirements she found are dyadic fundamentals, Dr. Sara calls them non-negotiable objects that must exist between the two partners. It’s important to note that these fundamentals can be improved. She lists mutual physical attraction, shared vision, shared moral values, and shared financial attitudes as the necessary elements asserting that financial attitude factor was something she investigated more deeply to discover if it was not having money or merely people’s attitudes towards money that had to be compatible, and the research showed that it was the attitudes that actually mattered. Interpersonal Dynamics Respect, compassion, love, commitment, and trust are the five aspects of the third dyadic fundamental which she calls interpersonal dynamics. According to Dr. Sara, these are all choices we make on a daily basis. She says we choose to be loving towards others, to be worthy of respect, to be trustworthy, etc., and these choices and actions produce the love, respect, and trust we desire from our partners. She notes that while these are all verbs, and they’re all things we can do, they’re also things that we don’t only do in our relationships, but in the world at large. In other words, they’re also states of being. She clarifies that this is also a hopeful reality because therapists can help people attain those traits as well. Relationship Outcomes Dr. Sara describes this aspect of emergent love as indicating good results on the individual level. The results she includes are overall satisfaction, sexual satisfaction, better self-care, better sleep, less anxiety, and less preoccupation with their partners and the relationship in general. When people find these traits growing during a relationship, she says people can be certain they’re on the right path.  Physical Attraction  Dr. Sara believes that physical attraction is largely socially constructed and thinks it’s important to deconstruct where our attraction comes from, who told us to be attracted to certain things, and how you’re approaching attraction. After you do this, she believes that we can be freed from these preconceptions and be attracted to more traits and types of people. She also emphasizes that it’s important to find yourself attractive so that you don’t project the feeling of being unattractive onto your partner. Once you deconstruct and move past your barriers to physical attraction, she says that once you have physical attraction, you also need sexual chemistry and the ability to move that towards sexual harmony, where you actually work well together physically. How Can People Integrate Dr. Sara’s Knowledge into Their Lives? Dr. Sara suggests starting with the survey she created called the Relationship Panoramic Questionnaire or the love attitudes scale and taking the results of the surveys to a therapist who will know how to interpret it and help them implement the necessary changes. She also recommends watching The Anatomy of Trust by Brené Brown with your partner, so that you can better understand and build trust in your relationship. Resources for Dr. Sarah Nasserzadeh: https://bettersexpodcast.com/dr-sara-nasserzadeh-new-perspective-passion https://www.sara-nasserzadeh.com https://www.bbc.com/persian/tv-and-radio-40532793 https://jhupbooks.press.jhu.edu/title/orgasm-answer-guide https://eprints.mdx.ac.uk/6278/1/Nasserzadeh-Understanding_the_sexual_health_information_needs…..pdf https://www.wheelofcontext.com https://relationship-panoramic.com https://fetzer.org/sites/default/files/images/stories/pdf/selfmeasures/Different_Types_of_Love_LOVE_ATTITUDES.pdf https://jamesclear.com/great-speeches/the-anatomy-of-trust-by-brene-brown https://twitter.com/dr_sara_ https://www.facebook.com/Dr.SaraNasserzadeh/ https://www.instagram.com/dr.saranasserzadeh/ More info:Link to the free guide – Talking About Sex: http://bettersexpodcast.com/talkJoin my email list here: http://bettersexpodcast.com/listBook and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.comWeb – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/Better Sex with Jessa Zimmermanhttps://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass Get full access to Jessa Zimmerman at jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Lauren is a qualified sexologist and permission-granter who helps her clients reduce stress and reinvigorate their sex lives. Through her writing, online classes, and one-on-one sessions, she helps high-achieving, introverted women release their physical and psychological blocks to liberate their libidos for sex and life. She is the author of Permission: Personal Liberation for Switched-on Women. Defining Libido Lauren takes her definition of libido from Alisa Vitti, the author of Woman Code, who defined libido as “the ability to give and receive pleasure, enjoyment, and acknowledgement.” Using this definition, she’s free to acknowledge nonsexual actions as integral stimulators of her libido. She shares examples of planting her feet in nature, brushing her children’s hair, and working towards and achieving goals as libidinous activities that help her drop into softness and feel powerful in a giving way. Her definition of libido is “a sort of energy that we gain familiarity with and exercise whenever we take part in sensual giving or receiving that becomes easier to channel the more we access it.”  She mentions that her broader definition of libido takes the focus away from exclusively desiring the really passionate, intense, sexual forms of libido, and encourages us to focus on smaller, softer, more day-to-day manifestations of libido. She tells us that focusing exclusively on our desire for intense desire, especially in circumstances that aren’t favorable to it, leads to a loop of dissatisfaction that can make us frustrated while focusing on tinier pleasures can help us escape that frustration loop and clears the way for us to experience the bigger, more passionate emotions. Women are Held Back by Doing Too Much Lauren argues that the need women feel to spread themselves thin doesn’t leave a lot of room for the erotic and sexual. While she admits women are good at juggling obligations and multitasking, she thinks a disservice is done when women mistakenly internalize “I can do anything” as “I can do everything” or, worse, “I should do everything.” Lauren advises women to sit down and make conscious choices about where their energy—their libido—is going. She encourages people to keep doing what they’re doing if it’s fruitful and fulfilling. However, she claims that if there’s a cost to the activity, it’s better to focus on things like personal relationships that you genuinely need to invest in. She says it’s also important not to fall so deeply into work or hobbies that you forget to keep dating.  How to Identify a Withered Libido In Lauren’s experience, withered libidos usually come to light when women’s partners turn to them and ask why their sex life diminished. For a lot of the women she sees, their loss of libido began with a valid cause, like grief or the loss of a pregnancy, but then refraining from sex became a habit until their partner brought it to their attention. Other times, she sees women who notice their own loss of libido when something in a movie or their friends’ lives brings their loss of vitality to their attention. Gentle wake up calls that remind them of the confident women they used to be do happen, but usually when people have a partner, their partner is the one who brings up the topic. “I don’t care if I never have sex again.” Many women who come to see Lauren do not care about sex anymore. She recalls that for many women who have lost their drive for sex, their drive for other activities and their basic sensuality has evaporated simultaneously. She says it’s rare for the sex drive to diminish all by itself, usually lots of other joyous, playful, and pleasantly purposeless activity is also absent. Fun is usually missing too, which she claims is important, because all of those nonsexual indicators of a lack of libido also need to be worked on to reignite women’s sexual libidos. She asserts that it’s never just about sex. Balancing Masculine and Feminine Energy In the workplace, Lauren explains, a lot of women learn to act more masculine as a result of working hard and disconnecting from their emotions. Many women wind up with what she calls a very ‘masculine’ energy that is opposed to the physical and metaphorical opening of oneself that’s necessary during sex. She says that even our personal goals like gym routines and strict regimens in our hobbies can encourage the same masculine energy, and women need to balance that with the soft, supple, flowing and accepting nature of femininity. She emphasizes that women don’t have to just be feminine. Masculine energy is great, she explains, but a balance is necessary. How to Nurture Your Libido Every human, Lauren asserts, even people who are petrified of change, wants to know that they’re growing and changing in some way. People want to look back and see progress, not a stagnant, repetitive blur or a confirmation that they were too scared to try for something new. She’s certain people want more than that. Lauren learned from Emily Nagoski that when we move our bodies, we’re letting our bodies know that they’re safe. She explains that we often try to tell ourselves we’re safe or sexual or erotic mentally first, and that’s part of the puzzle, but our bodies won’t respond that way until we act. She doesn’t suggest people jump right into sex, but dance lets you engage in a lot of different movements, including sensual, almost sexual hip movements. She says that can connect you to your sensual, erotic side without throwing yourself into a situation as vulnerable as actually having sex. She reminds us that we usually wait for a feeling and then act on that, but she says that what we need to do is move our bodies first, and then the feelings will come. Another method she suggests to help your libido flourish is paying attention to the small things in life, and focusing on everyday experiences. She admits that most of the time, most of us are running on autopilot, but says that being mindful of our surroundings, our everyday experiences, and even little details like how we breathe can show us the many, little enjoyable things we were missing. She emphasizes that it doesn’t take big things like luxury purchases and foreign vacations to have a great experience; she reminds us that we can and should accomplish that on a daily basis. The ultimate goal is to get better at caring for ourselves, which she claims we can accomplish by trying new things and continuing to do the ones we enjoy. This lets us enter a flow state, which she describes as the state where you’re losing track of time, completely absorbed in what you’re doing, with your nervous system balanced and happy; this is a state normally attained in good sex, but Lauren suggests that it’s just as important to pursue and enjoy that feeling during daylight hours. Objections to Overcome While women often insist they do not have time, Lauren discovered that women were afraid of failing at seeking pleasure, or that they were going to fail when doing things without a predictable outcome. Some of her clients even worried what will happen if it did work! She reminds us that when we were children, we had a natural curiosity about the ‘what if’s in life, while as an adult they hold us back. Also, as children, she knows that we played for the act of playing, instead of to reach an outcome. We learn that as adults we expect to feel satisfied when we finish projects, but she points out that we never really reach that state of happiness.  When time really is the obstacle, Lauren wants people to know that in most situations, time can be made. Making time might involve learning to say no and refusing to take care of everyone except yourself. “We are entitled to take care of ourselves, our needs are important, and we are allowed to relax and make ourselves happy.” The Role of Permission Ms. White tells us that permission is wound through everything she’s saying here and in her book, because it’s important for everyone to give themselves permission to show up in life and sex in a way that works for them, without worrying about what other people are doing or expect. She emphasizes that it’s about figuring out what to subtract from and add to our lives. She explains that it’s about acknowledging who you are and what you like to enjoy in your life inside and outside of the bedroom.  How to Find Out More Her book, Permission, is available worldwide at every online book merchant. Lauren is based in Brisbane, Australia, but she works with people online. She can be contacted on social media using the handle LaurenWhiteAU. Resources for Lauren White https://www.laurenwhite.com.au https://www.instagram.com/laurenwhiteau https://www.facebook.com/laurenwhiteau https://www.amazon.com/Permission-Personal-liberation-switched-women-ebook/dp/B07H512SBS More info:Link to the free guide – Talking About Sex: http://bettersexpodcast.com/talkJoin my email list here: http://bettersexpodcast.com/listBook and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.comWeb – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcastBetter Sex with Jessa Zimmermanhttps://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass Get full access to Jessa Zimmerman at jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Jeff Abraham is a man dedicated to doing the right thing. After winning a court case against Hyundai who asked him to actively discriminate against female and African American candidates in 1999, he moved to Promescent as CEO, a company founded by his late friend, Dr. Ronald Gilbert.  Jeff has continued his legacy by fulfilling his companies dreams in his honor.  In addition to this Jeff has spent the last decade advocating sexual health and wellness by educating the public on the importance of intimacy and how to resolve common sexual dysfunctions. Premature Ejaculation Can Cause Erectile Dysfunction Jeff learned that 10% to 15% of erectile dysfunction cases are misdiagnosed cases of premature ejaculation. He clarifies that premature ejaculation is diagnosed when a man suffers from a complete inability to have sex, masturbate, or engage in oral or anal sex for more than 90 seconds without ejaculating. He explains that having clinical PE often causes erectile dysfunction, as when men are aware that PE is going to be the result of sexual play, anxiety can prevent an erection from forming. He says clinicians often diagnose this as ED, but as treating the PE would also cure the ED, a PE diagnosis and treatment is more correct. Healthy Male and Female Climaxes, “The Orgasm Gap.” According to Jeff, a healthy male climaxes after an average of five minutes of sexual stimulation. Meanwhile, he reports that women who are capable of orgasms from penetration take an average of 18 minutes of thrusting to reach orgasm. This gap in climaxes is called the “arousal gap” or “orgasm gap” among sex therapists and neurologists. He points out that even healthy males have good reason to want to last longer, even if they don’t meet the diagnostic criteria for PE. He hopes that treatment for longer-lasting sex becomes more respected and acknowledged by the medical community. Causes of Premature Ejaculation Jeff reminds us that premature ejaculation has been needlessly stigmatized. People claim that men ejaculate early due to not caring enough about their partners or not having the mental fortitude to wait longer to orgasm. Jeff admits that some cases of premature ejaculation are psychological in nature, but he lists hypersensitive penile nerves, prostatitis, and low testosterone as some of the physical causes of the condition. Due to the number of physical causes of PE, he hopes that we can reject the notion that men with PE don’t care about their partners or that they’re mentally weak. PE is a problem with physical roots and as real and treatable as diabetes or cancer. He advocates a combination of behavioral therapy and products like Promescent or SSRIs to help men build confidence and overcome their physical and psychological difficulties. Consequences of Premature Ejaculation Jeff points out that PE destroys men’s confidence and limits their ability to satisfy their partners. This lack of confidence, he suggests, isn’t confined to the bedroom, but extends to all aspects of life. He calls it the layering effect, which he describes as a sort of chain reaction. In the layering effect he describes, PE can lead to lowered sexual confidence, which leads to being less amorous, which leads to the PE sufferer’s partner feeling unattractive due to the lack of sexual attention, and finally leads to a disconnect between the members of the couple. He says he’s seen this happen over and over again, all without people realizing that the root of their problems is a single, treatable issue. Jeff advises men not to avoid sex due to PE, pointing out that this leads to men having less control over his own ejaculation, and creates a less pleasant sexual experience than the couple had before.  How to Approach Your Partner About PE When approached by women on how to tackle PE with their partners, Jeff suggests setting up a special date night with any sexual accessories you and your partner find enjoyable. He goes on to suggest offering Promescent to your partner as one way to enhance the evening, noting this works better than discussing the problem directly. Jeff shares that this method allows the use of Promescent to be physically and figuratively within your partner’s control, a circumstance that he asserts is important for men. When couples use his method, he claims it’s often the case that men will try the product, see that it works and improves the experience, and will usually decide to use it more often to enjoy their sex lives consistently.  How Promescent Works Unlike its competitor products, which numb the area, this new treatment uses a specific formulation of lidocaine, to create a eutectic formula that can penetrate the outer layer of the skin and be deposited in the fatty tissue underneath the skin, where it can help to better control ejaculation. While the product may have a medicinal aftertaste, he says they’re working on neutral, coconut, and citrus flavors to remedy that problem right now. Who Should Use Promescent Jeff emphasizes that the product is for couples, not just men. Sex, he implies, affords a level of intimacy that’s important in relationships, and Promescent is just one product that can help that emotional and physical intimacy last longer. He observes that sex is a huge part of life and reiterates that if you’re not confident and don’t feel good about it, you need to do something or see someone. “Just like we have personal trainers for fitness and coaches for businessmen”, he remarks, “sex therapists are an important part of human health and wellness.” Jeff talks about how men feel the need to hold off climaxing, and he discusses the fact that their desire to last longer provokes a lot of anxiety. He doesn’t believe that intimacy should be about anxiety, it should be an enjoyable experience, and making it easier for men to last longer facilitates that for both parties.  How Credible Are Promescent’s Claims? Jeff is proud to share that Promescent is the most recommended treatment by Urologists today. He’s equally proud of the fact that Promescent was found to have statistically significant results in an Institutional Review Board certified study. These elements differentiate their product from the competition by building credibility that can be relayed through physicians or by patients self-diagnosing PE online. Where Can I Get The Product? www.promescent.com eBay.com amazon.com Target (in-store) walmart.com Some independent pharmacies, urologists, and therapists also carry it.  Claim your free code for a 15% discount: bettersex15 Resources for Jeff Abraham: https://www.promescent.com/ https://www.promescent.com/expert-reviews-perspectives Discount code: bettersex15 More info:Link to the free guide – Talking About Sex: http://bettersexpodcast.com/talkJoin my email list here: http://bettersexpodcast.com/listBook and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.comWeb – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcastBetter Sex with Jessa Zimmermanhttps://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass Get full access to Jessa Zimmerman at jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe