Better Sex

Katherine explains her initial interest in sexual pleasure gaps began with her journalistic coverage of the search for a female version of Viagra. She describes being intrigued by the prevalence of the notion that there is something fundamentally wrong with women’s level of sexual desire.She argues that feminine sexual desire is an ephemeral state that stems from myriad sources and appears as a final state that is or isn’t reached. She says it’s not a single trait that can be manipulated directly. Upon seeing this attempt to manipulate female sexual desire, Katherine began to interview women about their own sexual desires and what brings them sexual satisfaction.Men and Woman Experience Sex DifferentlyIn broad strokes, Katherine explains the Pleasure Gap is a measure of social inequality. She explains three intersecting ideas, the first being the differences men and women give in the accounts of sexual experiences. She says men report higher levels of sexual satisfaction than women, they achieve orgasm more readily, and are happier with their sex lives overall. She also informs us that men feel less stress, pain, and anxiety related to sex.By contrast, she tells us women commonly report low desire, absent pleasure, muted or unfulfilling orgasms, sexual aversion, and disinterest. She points out that women beat themselves up for feeling that way about sex. Katherine reiterates that these are common female experiences of sex, but women are prone to blaming themselves for their problems.She suggests that even women who report some satisfaction during sex may not be experiencing the event completely. Katherine mentions one study in which 50% of female participants reported having an orgasm when the scientific monitors for orgasms indicated no orgasm had occurred. She says this suggests that women’s education about their bodies and their possibilities is distressingly subpar.Female Sexual DysfunctionCurious about this disparity in human feeling, Katherine shares that many women express sexual dysfunction, asserting that their genitals feel numb or dead, all while lab tests report ordinary, healthy function of those organs. In other words, she noticed that women were responding physically to sex without any pleasure or intimacy being experienced in their brains. She suggests that because the mental and emotional aspects of sex are so important to women’s pleasure, that medications that aim to help women enjoy sex by affecting their genital performance miss the mark.Sex in Media vs. Sex in LifeThe third gap Katherine mentions is the gap between the sex we’re sold in the media and the sex we actually want and find fulfilling in life. She suggests that our modern notions of a liberated identity suggest that women should want and exude sex constantly, but real women often experience the opposite reality. She suspects that the problem is rooted in the lack of education women receive about sex and pleasure.Ms. Rowland also cites the stereotypes that men, the socially dominant sex, are supposed to desire lots of sex, while women are limited to being a gatekeeper restricting sexual access. Katherine believes that women need to be taught that pleasure is worthwhile and healthy so that they can feel comfortable exploring what gives them pleasure and allows them to enjoy sex.What genuinely leads to satisfying good sex is intimacy, freedom of expression, creativity, safety, and being empowered to explore what genuinely turns you on.The Effects of Sexual TraumaSexual trauma and abuse can also hinder women’s experience of their bodies according to research. She explains that women with this history may feel numb and distance themselves from the experience of sex or be hyperactive and hypervigilant during sexual encounters, leading to them feeling too stressed to enjoy sex. Women Katherine talked to also noted that women are inevitably objectified in pornography, which can lead to women objectifying themselves, instead of seeing sex as an avenue to express their own desire.What Woman WantShe tells us that the scant research available on what makes good sex suggests that sexual satisfaction has nothing to do with the physical aspect of genitals coming together.Feeling fully present and in the moment—often achieved through mindfulness and the like—and feeling overwhelmed and encompassed by their experience to the extent of forgetting about daily obligations are markers Katherine found in women’s reports about good sex.Katherine also found women asserting a need for safety, and the need to feel confident exposing the full extent of their sexuality with their partner. She mentions that many women who discuss transcendent sex often describe it in spiritual terms – as if sex is a way to break into people’s spiritual interiors as a homecoming in the other person.What Women Can Do to Improve Their Sex LivesKatherine asserts that her book is not proscriptive, though she does provide resources for self-inquiry and erotic amplification. Katherine does suggest that women can try to shut off the external noise distracting them from sex as much as possible to increase sexual immersion. She also suggests that they can explore their bodies and fantasies to enhance their knowledge of their bodies and their sexual experiences.Background:Katherine Rowland holds a masters in Sociomedical Sciences from Columbia University. At the same university, she was a National Science Foundation Graduate Research fellow in medical anthropology. In the past, she published and served as the executive director of Guernica. She’s contributed to Nature, the Financial Times, Green Futures, the Guardian, the Independent, Aeon, Psychology Today, and more. She is the author of the Pleasure Gap.Resources for Katherine Rowland:https://www.katherinerowland.com/https://www.amazon.com/Pleasure-Gap-American-Unfinished-Revolution-ebook/dp/B07RKW3FZ7More info:Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.comWeb – https://www.intimacywithease.com/Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/Better Sex with Jessa Zimmermanhttps://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/132-the-pleasure-gap-katherine-rowlandWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass Get full access to Jessa Zimmerman at jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Living with MSSix months after her daughter was born, Kimberly stopped nursing, and soon went completely numb on the left side of her body. An MRI uncovered that she had 8 lesions on her brain, which she says led to a quick diagnosis of MS. While her MS has been in remission for 12 years, her prognosis could change at any time.Despite her remission, Kimberly tells us that situations exist that can still trigger MS symptoms. She informs us that many people with MS have trouble with heat which affects her sight. Difficulty swallowing and walking and feeling a tingling along her body are also common, she explains, especially in the heat. At a psychological level, Kimberly reports that people with MS have to live with a great deal of the unknown, as they can’t guarantee their level of functioning from day to day.Support for the Newly DiagnosedKimberly tells us that many support groups exist for people newly diagnosed with MS, some of which can be found in the Resources section of these show notes. She recalls when she was first diagnosed, she thought MS was a death sentence, which she now knows is incorrect. However, she counters that while MS doesn’t kill, it does hinder functionality, which she found devastating enough to trigger all the classic stages of grief. She attributes her acceptance of MS and her emotional recovery to the love and support of her partner.Difficulties with Sex in MSMs. Castelo points out that many people with MS are depressed, which leads to wide usage of libido-lowering SSRIs. Even without SSRIs to reduce sex drive, Kimberly informs us that 85% of women and 90% of men with MS suffer from sexual dysfunction.For both genders, Kimberly tells us about spasticity issues, generalized pain, and difficulty moving legs that can impede sexual function. Kimberly says that another common problem is that MS affects the bowels, causing some people to lose bowel control during sex.She warns that people with MS can fall into having obligatory sex to please their partners, which she describes as incredibly damaging. She believes that sex should prioritize both you and your partner’s satisfaction, never just one person’s.Kimberly explains that the partners of MS patients can suffer too. Many partners become caregivers, and amongst partners who become caregivers, switching hats to make sex possible can be difficult, especially when their partner needs a lot of care. Kimberly encourages caregiving partners to compartmentalize moments and force themselves to have fun and playful events as well as their required caretaking.Another problem amongst caregivers that Kimberly sees in her practice is that people operating as caregivers often don’t share their own struggles. In those cases, she reminds caregiver partners that humans enjoy helping each other, and by not sharing their struggles, they are depriving their partners of that joy and intimacy. Helping partners with problems, she asserts, is also empowering to the partner with MS, because they are given the opportunity to be a caregiver as well.Improving Sex with MSKimberly says that for people partnered with someone who has MS, it’s important to allow space for grief before they can begin problem-solving. After the grieving gives way to acceptance, she states that couples may be surprised to discover that sex with MS can create phenomenal sexual connections due to the incentive MS creates to explore new avenues of sexuality. It can even raise the quantity of playful erotic moments in people’s lives.She describes her concept of daily erotic moments as simmering with her clients. Just like making a soup, she suggests that first, you get things started, then it starts to smell good, then better, and in the end, it’s so amazing that you have to eat the stew. She mentions that having multiple sexually intimate moments throughout the day can produce an identical effect.Expanding the Meaning of SexKimberly suggests expanding the definition of sex is important. She says it’s not just about genitals touching genitals. She says it’s about flirting, touch, cuddling, holding hands, passionate kisses, and learning to bring those acts to a level that facilitates deep pleasure and connection in both people. She teaches that slowing down sex to accentuate and be more mindful about each action increases the eroticism of life. She insists that sex can’t just be about genital-to-genital contact and orgasms.Sex Therapists and MSWhen you’re figuring out how to plan sex and keep it romantic, when is a good time to have sex to avoid fatigue, and how to get involved in sex in the first place, Kimberly says a sex therapist can help. She also suggests that sex therapists can help MS patients and their partners figure out how to really connect emotionally and share their sexual challenges with each other. She says sex therapists can help couples plan sex around the best times of day to avoid the crushing fatigue of MS. Despite popular conceptions that sex should be spontaneous, Kimberly says people with MS in particular need to schedule sex sessions.She also warns that it can be difficult to cope with partners about the changing, day-to-day pains that people can feel with MS, but therapists can encourage communication, creativity, and being mindful and appreciative of sexual actions that don’t involve intercourse.Background:Kimberly Castelo is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a Certificated AASECT Sex Therapist, and a Certified ETF Couples Therapist. As a Certified Integrated Intimacy Professional, she believes in treating mental health in a holistic way, exploring individuals, couples, family systems, sexual health, medical issues, and spirituality to create a full picture of her clients’ lives and resources. As a woman who’s lived with MS for 13 years, Kimberly intimately understands how medical maladies can influence the mental health of families and individuals. This experience combines with her training to provide invaluable insight into relationships and sex.Resources for Kimberly Castelo:https://www.healingmomentscounseling.net/https://www.nationalmssociety.org/https://mymsaa.org/More info:Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.comWeb – https://www.intimacywithease.com/Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/Better Sex with Jessa Zimmermanhttps://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/131-ms-and-sex-kimberly-casteloWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass Get full access to Jessa Zimmerman at jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Diversity in Jewish Beliefs and PracticesDr. Shy describes Jewish law as a corpus of Jewish religious requirements. He explains that every aspect of life has regulations to help Jews proceed through life. He discloses that there are disputes within the Jewish community about who can interpret Jewish law, leading to different sects of Judaism being formed, each with their own practices. Dr. Krug reminds us that he can only share his own interpretation and some alternate views he’s encountered personally and professionally.The Spirituality of Sex in JudaismThe doctor describes Judaism as a sex-positive religion that appreciates the human body and human experiences. He emphasizes that Judaism encourages its adherents to elevate the mundane and the physical to the holy through thoughtfulness, intentionality, and restriction. He says Judaism contains many laws and restrictions on sex that are meant to transform a potentially carnal act into a holy union that increases both people’s connection to each other and to God. He tells us that in the Jewish view, conceiving a child is an act involving three people: the man, the woman, and God.He counters this interpretation of Jewish law by describing smaller, rarer sects that see sex as a necessary evil that should be experienced infrequently. He states that many people with this belief see sex as a necessary transaction that occurs within marriage.The Sexual Power of Jewish WomenDr. Krug mentions there is a Jewish law that requires men to satisfy their wives sexually. He explains that a man cannot demand sex from his wife, but a wife can demand sex from her husband. He clarifies that a man can tell his wife that he’d like to have sex, but compelling her to have sex isn’t licit. This imbalance of power can create tension when the man wants to have more sex than his wife, but he tells us Orthodox couples often mitigate this disparity by refocusing on sex as a holy and intentional act, rather than a purely physical drive. He implies that the absence of desired sex allows men to reinforce the intimacy and holiness of sex through the delayed gratification abstinence ensures.Family Purity LawsDr. Krug describes family purity laws that require men and women to separate when the woman is menstruating. During menstruation and for seven days following her period, he says that Jewish men and women cannot interact sexually. Dr. Shy describes several protective barriers many employ to fulfill this law, like sleeping in separate beds, not sharing food from the same plate, not passing things to each other, and not feeling each other’s weight. When two people sit on the same couch cushion, he explains that they feel each other’s weight when they move; he informs us that Orthodox Jews avoid doing this during this part of a woman’s cycle to avoid the desire to touch each other that such closeness might incite. While the Bible does not give the reason behind these restrictions, he informs us that Talmudic sources extrapolate that physical distance encourages couples to focus on the verbal and emotional elements of their marriage and maintain the excitement of sex.Premarital SexDr. Shy asserts that premarital sex is prohibited in Judaism. He informs us that some Jews will avoid all physical contact with potential mates and many Jews avoid being alone with each other altogether. He informs us that in the most right-wing forms of Judaism, girls and boys are kept apart and schooled separately, allowing them to reserve all sexual education until their children are old enough to marry. Some Jews, he tells us, do have premarital sex and cohabitate with partners before marriage, but those practices are not widely accepted in Orthodox communities.About MasturbationWhile he admits that some Jews do masturbate or utilize pornography, he points out the clear Biblical prohibition of masturbation, which he defines as the spilling of seed to avoid pregnancy. By contrast, he explains that because women do not spill their seed, they are permitted to masturbate, but they are advised to restrict the frequency of their masturbation and focus on maintaining their marriage’s intimacy first and foremost.Sex Ed in Jewish OrthodoxySects vary in their approaches, but he describes the modern Orthodox sect teaches about sexual health, puberty, relationships, and communication in middle school. By high school, he informs us that students are educated about masturbation, pornography, and healthy sex practices. He says that modern Judaism acknowledges that people are sexual beings and that it’s important to acknowledge and understand human sexuality. He explains that marriage classes also inform the youths of the laws surrounding marital relations, family purity, and the ritual baths women must take monthly. He says that developing intimacy, foreplay, and discussing the origins of sex outside of the bedroom are also covered in these classes, though he tells us more right-wing sects will clothe the education in more modest language.Condoned and Prohibited Sex ActsWhile Dr. Shy clarifies that some rabbis condone sex acts like oral sex and manual stimulation as long as ejaculation always occurs inside the spouse’s vagina. He reveals that teachings vary with regard to women receiving oral sex, with some saying men can perform oral sex on their wives if it’s dark or he doesn’t look at her vagina. Dr. Krug admits that Orthodox Jews are often allowed to utilize sex toys and engage in manual stimulation. He emphasizes that the law that women need to be fulfilled during sex is so important that many rabbis will bend rules if it helps women achieve orgasms.Laws about HomosexualityDr. Krug conveys general agreement that homosexual sex between men is prohibited, but even with that blanket prohibition, some homosexual sex acts are seen as more illicit than others. He explains that some rabbis will guide homosexual men towards performing sex acts that are less harmful because continuing practicing Judaism is considered more important than practicing every law successfully. Dr. Krug remarks that Judaism understands that people do not choose their sexuality, and rabbis do not turn people away for being gay.What About Sexual Dysfunction?Dr. Shy tells us that some Jews might go to their rabbi first when they struggle with some form of sexual dysfunction, while members of more liberal sects may consult their medical team first. When rabbis are faced with a man experiencing problems like premature ejaculation, he says they will understand it as a physical problem that can prevent procreation and as an issue that can forestall marital intimacy and spiritual health. As such, Dr. Krug remarks that many rabbis will relax the normal laws against things like masturbation for as long as the prohibited act is part of the man’s medical treatment.Gentle Advice for GentilesDr. Krug suggests that the intentionality and mindfulness surrounding sex can help gentiles improve their relationships. He gives the example of sensual massage, saying that being fully present while touching and being touched improves the act. In general, he believes that being motivated by the higher goals of emotional intimacy and the sensual act of truly being present for your partner can enhance sexual and emotional intimacy.BackgroundDr. Shy Krug holds a PhD in clinical psychology from Fairleigh Dickinson University and a B.A. in psychology with a minor in biology from Yeshiva University. At the James J. Peters VA Medical Center in the Bronx, NY, Dr. Krug parlayed his pre-doctoral internship into a two-year post-doctoral fellowship assessing and treating post-traumatic stress disorder and Gulf War Multisymptom Illness. Subsequently gaining a certificate in Sex Therapy from The Buehler Institute, certified training in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, and training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy, he is now a staff psychologist in the general outpatient department and sexual health clinic at the James J. Peters VA Medical Center, where he supervises and teaches the internship program. Dr. Krug also has a private practice in the Upper West Side of Manhattan where he treats sexual dysfunction, relationship difficulties, anxiety, and trauma.Resources for Dr. Shy Krug:http://www.drshykrug.comMore info:Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.comWeb – https://www.intimacywithease.com/Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/Better Sex with Jessa Zimmermanhttps://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/130-sex-and-orthodox-judaism-dr-shy-krugWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass Get full access to Jessa Zimmerman at jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Jessa and Diana feel compelled to note that this episode of the Better Sex Podcast was recorded on June 1, 2020. Diana suggests that quarantine’s stress of forced togetherness is hard for many couples. But in addition to that, she talks about how the recent murder of a black man by police has provoked riots in cities across the country, a political firestorm that only adds to the stress people are feeling during the quarantine.The Rebirth of Ourselves and our LoversReferring to the work of Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Dr. Diana saw the free time with our families as an opportunity to grant our relationships a second birth. She tells us that many couples haven’t had sex in a long time, and many have never been especially intimate with their partners. She recognizes both states as challenges that must be overcome to rekindle love and sex in relationships. That’s the reason she gives for publishing her book and the relationship-building tools that fill its pages.Health Benefits of SexDr. Diana educates us about the many benefits of sex and intimacy, telling us that having sex or touching your partner is scientifically shown to reduce stress. In her practice, she tells us she often recommends massage to her clients as a method to reconnect because massage lowers cortisol and adrenaline levels when certain pressure points are stimulated on the body. She also teaches that touch, especially sex and orgasms, relieves stress by releasing oxytocin, a neurochemical which increases bonding, is a natural sedative, and increases empathy.Even masturbation reduces stress and has positive effects on health, Dr. Diana assures us. More surprisingly, Diana discusses that there are nonsexual self-touch exercises that also reduce stress and improve health. Unfortunately, she admits that unlike sex with someone else, the body does not release oxytocin during masturbation.When it comes to how sex impacts the rest of people’s lives, Diana and her husband like to say, “It’s fun, it’s free, and it’s the fountain of youth,” about sex because having sex dramatically increases the feeling of vitality regardless of biological age.Salvaging and Reigniting Broken RelationshipsDr. Diana claims to have written her book primarily to enrich people whose relationships are already doing well but want to take their intimacy to the next level. However, she acknowledges that some people are quarantined with unsuitable or violent partners, while others are cohabiting with a partner that they intended to break up with before the quarantine put the brakes on that process. For couples who were planning to break up, Dr Wiley suggests they come together and have a conversation about whether their relationship is worth salvaging.For people who want to salvage or restore their relationship, she says the process of reigniting relationships begins with a conversation about what each person wants from the relationship. To help couples reconnect physically, she describes writing about lots of nonsexual touch exercises. After they become comfortable touching, Diana explains that they can set achievable goals like becoming great at kissing or having a make-out session. She says these actions and discussions can help reveal hidden desires and build the confidence needed to enter the marital bed and take time with sex. Dr Diana claims that the change in pace should increase the quality of their sex life. She reminds us that women tend to need twenty minutes of foreplay, oral sex, and penetration to reach orgasm and receive all the benefits of sex. She offers tools to accomplish this in her book.Touching with Your Clothes OnIn her book, Diana encourages couples to assess the intimacy of their relationship when they’re not having sex. She argues that couples probably don’t feel closer when they’re just watching TV together, which is why she supports intentionality about touch and connecting. She knows that not all families physically demonstrate affection, but believes that touching and hugs are irreplaceable glue for relationships. In her book, she writes that a seven-second kiss or a fifteen-second hug is enough to release oxytocin and create meaningful bonding on a daily basis.The Sex MenuOne of the tools in Dr. Diana’s book is what she calls a sex menu. She describes the menu as a chart listing sexual activities and allowing each person to select a yes, no, or maybe reaction to indicate their desire for those acts. She says that many people get to anal sex and say no or maybe, but Dr. Diana reminds us that anal play doesn’t have to involve a penis in an anus. She describes rimming, which can be accomplished by moving a clean, wet finger around the anus, which stimulates nerve endings to create a very pleasurable experience.Date NightsIn the second chapter of her book, Diana instructs couples to plan their date night at home. Under normal circumstances, she told people to have a date night one time every week, but with the forced closeness of the coronavirus quarantine, she believes having a date night twice per week is helpful. She says some of her patients believe that scheduling date nights would kill spontaneity, but Dr. Wiley argues that spontaneous sex is a Hollywood myth, and people need to put sex on the calendar. By scheduling sex, Diana claims that the partner with a lower sex drive can feel relieved because they know they won’t have to have sex until the marked day, which allows her to prepare herself for sex by reading romance novels, taking long baths, masturbating, or doing anything else that can increase her sexual enthusiasm. When that time comes, Dr. Diana believes that giving massages is a great way to start any sex session, because it allows both parties to be relaxed.Dr. Wiley recommends that both partners discuss what they want from the evening. She claims that being sensual, considering all of our senses, is particularly helpful. She does admit there are limits to her book and her methods when she explains that resolving mental health issues and relationship tensions are necessary before increasing touch, as sex and romance are only truly effective for people who like each other.Seven Secrets for Sensational Sex1. Take care of yourself first. If you’re uncomfortable during sex, she advises telling your partner and making the sex better by avoiding discomfort.2. Maintain and respect boundaries. She asserts the value of boundaries, saying it’s important to discuss what you do and don’t like, and to avoid pressuring each other into performing undesired sex acts.3. Communicate openly and directly. Dr. Diana reminds us that no communication is clearer than spoken words.4. Don’t take anything personally. The doctor informs us that sometimes people aren’t in the mood for sex or specific sex acts. She reminds us that there are any number of reasons this could happen, and it’s unwise to presume it has anything to do with you.5. Focus on your partner’s pleasure. Diana’s husband expresses this as, “Worship your woman, and the goddess will reward you.” Though the phrase is gendered, Diana assures us the sentiment applies to men and women alike.6. Don’t take each other for granted. Dr. Wiley says that expressing praise for your partner and growing in gratitude every day is a great method to cultivate life satisfaction and marital bliss.7. Let go. Diana mentions that many women are very inhibited, which limits their ability to explore new things and enjoy sex. In her practice, as marijuana is legal in her state, she often recommends the substance as a method of pushing through inhibitions and having fun. She says that alcohol can serve a similar purpose, but it’s more harmful and not as useful. BackgroundDiana Wiley, Ph.D., is a licensed marriage and family therapist, a board-certified sex therapist, and a gerontologist. With over thirty years of experience helping clients navigate problems in their sex and love lives, she currently works with clients in her office in Seattle, WA, and via online telehealth sessions. With her radio show on Progressive Radio Network, “Love, Lust, and Laughter” she’s been reaching additional listeners and helping more people for a decade. She’s published two studies in medical journals on aging and sexuality and was appointed as a Clinton Presidential Delegate to the 1995 White House Conference on Aging. Dr. Wiley is a skilled speaker and has given lectures and presentations on Aging and Sexuality in Amsterdam, Paris, Spain, Japan, India, and at many US conferences. Recently she became the author of a book to help people stuck in quarantine called Love in the Time of Corona: Advice from a Sex Therapist for Couples in Quarantine.Resources for Diana Wiley, PhDhttps://www.amazon.com/dp/B088TSNSPM/https://www.deardrdiana.com/https://drdianawiley.com/More info:Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.comWeb – https://www.intimacywithease.com/Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/Better Sex with Jessa Zimmermanhttps://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Better Sex with Jessa Zimmermanhttps://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/129-sex-during-quarantine-dr-diana-wileyWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass Get full access to Jessa Zimmerman at jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

To reach an ADHD diagnosis, Dr. Tuckman reports that a 45-minute interview is required. With the media coverage of young boys with ADHD, Dr. Tuckman says that most clinicians can diagnose childhood ADHD accurately, though he notes that girls aren’t diagnosed as often as boys. He suggests that clinicians might expect ADHD more often in boys than girls, leading to them not noticing the symptoms.Ari says that adults with ADHD also have a harder time being diagnosed, partially because their symptoms vary a little. Grown men and women almost never display the hyperactivity of ADHD youths, he admits, but forgetfulness, poor time management, losing things, and high distractibility continue to impact people’s personal and professional lives throughout adulthood.He shares that adults with ADHD frequently realize they have ADHD themselves in what he calls a two-for-one: Parents bring in their child for an assessment and realize they also display ADHD symptoms, leading to simultaneous diagnoses.Adult women with ADHD can be particularly difficult to diagnose, according to Ari. He tells us that they often present with anxiety and depression, but he reports that most clinicians stop their analysis there, when the root cause of their mental anguish stems from poor executive function, poor time management, and other, similar symptoms of ADHD.ADHD SymptomsDr. Tuckman explains that it’s easier for people with ADHD to maintain focus on more interesting activities and on tasks that have a strict, close deadline. Being consistent and reliable are difficult tasks for people with ADHD, admits Dr. Tuckman. In these scenarios, partners with ADHD often lament their lack of reliability, while partners without the condition hate seeing themselves turn into a nagging spouse.Dr. Tuckman describes another scenario where one person who likes everything organized in a rational manner, marries someone who isn’t as attentive or consistent about item placement at home. He says this often becomes a power struggle when what is needed is a method of reconciling their differences by coming to a compromise. He informs us that partners with ADHD will genuinely commit to the compromise and will often fulfill it for a few days, but before long they get derailed by things like getting home late, work difficulties, or not sleeping well the night before. He adds that this also leads to nagging and relationship struggles.ADHD or Simple Laziness?Ari asserts that ADHD is characterized by a failure to actualize good intentions. He describes people with ADHD as genuinely intending to fulfill their responsibilities, and he tells us that they are aware of the positive and negative repercussions that will occur if they do or don’t—for example—take out the trash. They’re often angry at themselves for neglecting their duties and breaking their promises. Dr. Tuckman assures us that adult ADHD isn’t purely about forgetting to perform menial tasks. He says they often forget things that outright hurt themselves, like leaving their lunch at home. He contends that their good intentions and their tendency to harm themselves with their disease distinguish them from people who simply want to avoid housework.Sex and ADHDAri relates that when he was researching his most recent book, he had 3,000 people fill out a form that covered their marital relationships and their sex lives. He found that most people with ADHD enjoy their sex life when they are having regular sex. Unfortunately, Dr. Tuckman discovered several barriers to intercourse including partners not having enough good feelings about each other and the couple not having enough time to have sex. The former problem comes from the power struggles described earlier, but Dr. Hickman describes the lack of time as resulting from getting distracted and consequently taking more time to do things.The ADHD Sex DriveWithin the aforementioned survey, he placed several questions designed to measure the sexual eagerness of people with ADHD. By asking how often they masturbate, how long it takes them to get revved up, how frequently they would like to have sex, and similar questions he found that people with ADHD are significantly more sexually eager than people without ADHD. He theorizes that just as people with ADHD tend to be more influenced by what’s going on around them, they may also be more easily influenced by the regular thoughts about sex that float through their minds. He further theorized that having one member of a relationship respond to sexual impulses more strongly can help to maintain the couple’s sex life by incentivizing the intentional pursuit of sex in the relationship. Alternately, he admits that differences in sex drive can create a wedge between the couple.Sexual Satisfaction with ADHDDr. Tuckman sees a lot of couples in his office who are struggling because the ADHD partner is male, and the increased sexual eagerness of his condition magnifies the already high male sex drive. He says this difference in desire combined with the way women frequently assume chores and tasks often leaves women in relationships with male ADHD patients exhausted and unhappy.By contrast, he found that when women have ADHD, the couple has sex 25% more often than couples where the male has ADHD. He points out that men with ADHD tend to have the highest sex drive, while women without ADHD have the lowest sex drive—a situation that naturally causes conflict. However, Ari explains that women with ADHD and men without ADHD both sit in the middle of the spectrum, with sex drives that are more similar. He speculates that having a similar sex drive between partners may lead to happier relationships in general because the good feelings from sex spill into and enhance other parts of the relationship.Treating ADHD with MedicationAri says that prescribing stimulants to ADHD patients is an excellent idea. He informs us that the stimulants prescribed for ADHD are some of the most effective medications in psychiatry and they’re non-addictive if taken as prescribed. This is particularly important to Dr. Tuckman because untreated ADHD doesn’t just result in poor school performance, but also lowers lifetime earnings, leads to increased car accidents, and even lowers lifespan because of ADHD’s tendency to reduce a person’s self-maintenance abilities and its ability to reduce a person’s ability to seek and comply with medical advice.Non-Medical ADHD TreatmentsAri tells us that a lot of great resources are published to help people and their partners cope with ADHD. Seeking out better methods to get things done, get organized, and get on top of things. He suggests that cognitive-behavioral therapy can also help some symptoms.Navigating Sex and RomanceWhen it comes to romantic relationships, he maintains that both partners must come to an agreement that they both can accept. He emphasizes that this does not mean either partner should completely change and do things their partner’s way, as that is unsustainable and avoids the fact that healthy relationships involve a give-and-take that satisfies both partners. He points out that if your sex life is important to you, working on your relationship will help that out. Similarly, he asserts that working to have a better sex life will improve the nonsexual elements of your relationship too. He explains that it’s hard to have a truly intimate sexual experience with someone you’re mad at, but reaching a level of a deep, vulnerable union during sex absolutely colors the hours and days that follow.BackgroundDr. Ari Tuckman has a private practice in West Chester, PA where he specializes in diagnosing and treating adult ADHD. As a certified sex therapist, he also focuses on couples counseling and sex therapy. He frequently presents and co-chairs at CHADD, the national ADHD advocacy organization, and has been featured on CNN, National Public Radio, and several other media outlets. The author of four books, his most recent is “ADHD After Dark: Better Sex Life, Better Relationship,” a title that explores the impact of ADHD on romance and sex.Resources for Dr. Ari Tuckmanhttp://adultADHDbook.comMore info:Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.comWeb – https://www.intimacywithease.com/Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/Better Sex with Jessa Zimmermanhttps://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/128-adhd-and-sex-dr-ari-tuckmanWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass Get full access to Jessa Zimmerman at jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Amy noticed that even she was having trouble talking to her own child about sex, and she imagined it would be even more difficult for people without her work background. She discusses the difficulty of discerning the right amount of information to share with kids, especially with the poor cultural examples in the US but reiterates that it’s crucial for parents to push through their discomfort.Amy advises us to look at our own lives, our own sexual decisions and early relationships, and our current relationships to get a good idea of what can happen without quality education about sexuality and relationships. She emphasizes that sex and relationships constitute a lifelong social-psychological health issue and that parents can’t rely on schools to teach these things to their kids.Sexual Health Requires Healthy RelationshipsA lot of sexual health is about relationships, Amy asserts. She explains that many things can go wrong in relationships that will negatively affect the lives and health of people if they don’t know enough about what healthy relationships look like and what isn’t okay. Amy suggests that parents should want their children to grow up with a lot of information so that they can feel good about their decision-making skills and so that they can build safe, healthy relationships and quickly, correctly notice when relationships become unhealthy.What Kids are Learning NowAmy points out that most people are only getting educated about sex in the 5th and 9th grades, and neither of those sessions is comprehensive in any way. She explains that most young people learn the most about sex through pornography, sexualized entertainment media, and their friends. She points out that this gives kids a lot of very adult information about sexuality without providing them any context for that information.Amy advises that parents contextualize pornography for children. She believes it’s important for kids to know that the models are acting, and they aren’t having real, normal sex.The Limits of Sex Ed in SchoolsMs. Lang supports kids getting sex ed, even abstinence-only sex ed because that gives parents an opening to discuss the fact that abstinence-only education doesn’t work. She adds that it even lets parents talk about waiting to have sex until they’re prepared and able to make a mature decision with their partner. But she explains that schools can’t provide a values-based sexual education that aligns with the values of all their students’ families, schools can’t provide enough details about sex, and schools really can’t talk about how sex is pleasurable and not just about making babies.How to Answer QuestionsAmy tells us that a lot of questions kids ask can be answered simply and directly, but sometimes they’ll ask questions that are more sensitive. In those cases, she suggests admitting to your child that you’re not sure how to answer, and you need time to think about what to say. She explains that hot topics and questions about your own history can be dicey; she advises parents not to air their traumas to their children because she believes it’s important to talk about sex in a way that encourages them to have consensual, safe sex in a safe place.Talking About RapeShe says that it’s easier to answer questions about difficult issues like rape and abortion if you already have created an early, strong base with your child about the fact that sex is healthy and fun when it’s consensual. When you have that background and talk about rape with your child, you can emphasize that sex is usually a happy thing adults do, but that sometimes people are bad and force others to have sex. She demonstrates that you can reassure children by saying that even though it’s a sad and scary part of life, it’s something they need to know about, and you’re glad they asked you.Age Appropriate ConversationsShe says that sex talk starts from birth in the form of discussing anatomy and sex differences directly and with correct terminology. Amy believes children should know how babies are made, how consent works, how families are structured, and what safe touch is by kindergarten, because when they’re that small, they are very curious and absorb the information naturally, and they haven’t yet learned enough of the negative aspects of sex to darken or pervert the facts of life. She highlights that early education about sex does a lot to protect kids from sexual abuse, which should motivate most parents to discuss the topic with their kids.She mentions using the opportunities available to talk about sex in everyday life, from family members becoming pregnant or being gay to people displaying the signs of puberty. Amy discusses that it’s important to address puberty before they’ve completed the process, with 8 and 9 being her specific age suggestion. Parents can look for breast buds in girls to spot puberty, and she says in boys, parents with notice them becoming stinky.By middle school, she believes kids should know the basics of everything about sex, the good and the bad. She suggests teaching them about oral and anal sex, about birth control, STIs, slang, and all about consent and healthy relationships. At this age, she explains that you want your child to be the smartest kid on the school bus so that they don’t internalize false information from their peers.How to Start Sex TalksAmy advises parents to talk about sex on car rides, where the kids can’t run away, but she also says that telling your kids you need to talk with them about a sex thing, and asking them if they want to do it now or later is a good tactic to ensure you have the conversation. She says that it’s often easy to observe the mood of adolescents to see when they’re most receptive and chatty, and those times are good opportunities to talk about sex. As eye contact is concerned, she admits that kids often don’t like it (especially boys), and it’s usually better to discuss sex with kids when you’re side to side. She tells us talking about song lyrics or news items with your kids can create good segues into sex conversations. However you do it, she reinforces the idea that you want them to be well-educated before their peers start talking to them about sex, love, and relationships.Gender and Sexual Orientation TalksBeing careful with the language you use about LGBTQ+ issues is important to make certain your child feels welcomed no matter what their sexual orientation or gender identity turns out to be. She recalls that with her own child, she and her husband always said things like, “when you have a girlfriend or boyfriend…” until the boy revealed his orientation and settled the matter. It’s important not to transmit prejudice for gay or trans people to your child, because doing so will make them feel alienated, and can even cause suicide attempts if they are LGBTQ+.Young Girls Coming OutIn her professional life, Amy encounters a lot of stories about middle school-aged girls coming out as asexual or bisexual, and many parents ask her what that means. Amy suggests that it may be a result of our culture being more open. Sexual experimentation can be a normal, healthy developmental stage in kids that age, she explains, and some children will feel that doing those things makes them gay or bisexual, while others may be experimenting and exploring their sexuality. She suggests just waiting, always demonstrate your acceptance of whatever they may wind up being, and making sure your kid feels safe being themselves around you.How Can Parents Learn to Support Their Kids?Amy refers to her first book, Birds and Bees and Your Kids was written to help parents figure out their values surrounding sex and gender identity and how they want to talk about the issues. She also has a Solution Center on her website that provides lots of resources. It’s important to think about and prepare your responses in advance, she suggests, to communicate your values more clearly and concisely. She also says that the more parents practice by talking about sex with their kids, the easier it will become.Background:Amy Lang, MA has been a sexual health educator for more than 20 years. With a master’s degree in Adult Education and years of experience as a sexual educator, Amy decided to combine those two fields to help herself and other parents have those conversations.As the host of Just Say This Amy helps parents learn to talk to their children about sex and values. She also authored two books to help parents and their kids navigate romantic and sexual relationships titled Birds + Bees + YOUR Kids – A Guide to Sharing Your Beliefs About Sexuality, Love, Relationships and Dating Smarts: What Every Teen Needs to Date, Relate or Wait. Amy lives with her husband and teenage son in Seattle, WA, and can be found online at BirdsAndBeesAndKids.comResources for Amy Lang:https://birdsandbeesandkids.com/category/podcast/https://birdsandbeesandkids.com/More info:Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.comWeb – https://www.intimacywithease.com/Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/Better Sex with Jessa Zimmermanhttps://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/127-talking-to-kids-about-sex-amy-langWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass Get full access to Jessa Zimmerman at jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

In this episode, guest Camille describes herself as a late bloomer that was always concerned about being romantically involved.She attributes some of her reticence to being raised in a family that didn’t hug, cuddle, or verbally express love often. Later experiences encouraged her to openly express affection with her parents, but as a young person, Camille remembers thinking neither of her parents was suited to intimate talks about sex, love, and romance.When Camille Meets DavidEven when Camille knew boys found her attractive, she felt crippled by extreme shyness. She explains that things changed when she met her future husband, David. Because he was as awkward as she was, she felt they were perfectly matched. Though they were only 14, she claims they saw no reason to avoid sexual activity. She shares the journey of their relationship and experiences with other partners. She tells us about the regrets she gathered through those experiences including being objectified for her looks. After experiencing the world, Camille decided to honor David and their relationship by continually seeking a deeper intimacy with him.AbortionAs a Christian who doesn’t support abortion, Camille is ashamed to admit that as a teen she planned to abort any pregnancies that might occur. While young, Camille believes she was too cavalier about the magnitude of what happens during an abortion, and she expects many people are the same today. She warns that abortion is a traumatic experience for a woman’s body that can even cause post-traumatic stress.Intimacy IssuesTheir relationship hit a hiccup early on as David desired sex more than she did, and she would often reject him. After realizing that she could make herself physically available to her husband with the aim of pleasing him, she found that this form of self-giving allowed true intimacy to flourish because it removes sex from the raw pursuit of physical pleasure and transforms it into a means of communicating and developing love and caring.Teaching Kids About SexCamille explains that her views about intimacy were influenced by a course she took called Moms of Men. She wanted to raise her children to respect and avoid objectifying women. She also learned to teach her sons to avoid relationships that can’t lead to marriage, because when you date or have sex with people, part of you always stays with that person, making it impossible to give your whole self to your future spouse.Camille also learned from Pope John Paul II’s Theology of the Body, which taught her that sex is something that God intended men and women to experience, and that it’s good to talk about it openly. She believes that talking about sex is helpful in rearing children because it encourages kids to communicate with their parents about sex and love and it helps parents guide their children towards wise sexual decisions.Resources for Camille:https://www.messengercourses.com/moms-of-menhttp://www.theologyofthebody.net/Better Sex with Jessa Zimmermanhttps://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/126-personal-story-playing-with-fire-camilleWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass Get full access to Jessa Zimmerman at jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Dr. McKenzie explains both sexes produce testosterone however it’s much more prevalent and important in men. Serena informs us that puberty is driven primarily by testosterone. She notes that testosterone production increases exponentially in men during puberty, peaks around age 30, and subsequently declines. From driving growth and facilitating sexual function to retaining bone density and cognitive function, Dr. McKenzie describes testosterone as a hormone with lifelong importance in men’s health.Causes of Low TestosteroneSerena tells us the most direct cause of low testosterone, clinically diagnosed as testicular hypogonadism, occurs when the pituitary gland produces insufficient hormones to trigger adequate testosterone production. But she explains that many cases of low testosterone are caused by obesity, diabetes, insomnia, sleep apnoea, a sedentary lifestyle, smoking, excessive alcohol consumption, and other varieties of poor self-care. She also mentions that many clinicians understand lower testosterone levels as a natural result of aging, and not as a condition requiring treatment.Symptoms of Low TestosteroneDr. McKenzie admits that most of her patients present with sexual dysfunction. She often finds problems such as low libido, trouble gaining or sustaining an erection, fatigue, or depression. One symptom she describes that points directly to hypogonadism are a measurable decrease in testicular size. She mentions the loss of non-sexual erections as indicative of low testosterone. She points out that these symptoms can also be caused by vascular disease or pituitary dysfunction, but she reassures us that true cases of testosterone dysfunction can be diagnosed fairly easily by physicians.How Low is Low?To diagnose hypogonadism, Serena explains that labs look for reproducible testosterone levels below 300 or 350. The doctor explains that testosterone levels vary from day to day and hour to hour, which is why testing a man’s testosterone more than once is necessary for a correct diagnosis. She admits that some practitioners will skip this second test, which can lead to inappropriate diagnoses. She explains that most men should have testosterone levels between 200 and 900 for full sexual health, but the exact levels vary for different individuals.Treating Low TestosteroneDr. McKenzie believes that it’s important to assess lifestyle variables and consider alternative treatments like testosterone stimulation before rushing into testosterone replacement. For many men, correcting poor self-care, addressing relationship problems, and learning to foster romance in their relationships can solve their sexual and energy complaints. She remarks that these treatments are especially useful for younger men because hormone replacement shuts off the body’s natural ability to produce testosterone, which can prevent men from fathering children or require lifelong testosterone supplementation after treatment.But for men with primary testicular failure or pituitary dysfunction, Dr. McKenzie acknowledges that testosterone treatments will be a necessity for the rest of their lives. Men whose testicular tissue has been damaged by chemotherapy or alcohol abuse may also need continual testosterone treatments to maintain sexual function.Treatment TypesSerena describes a market that has produces 15 to 20 different methods of administering testosterone for patients, including injected doses of testosterone, injectable pellets, transdermal gels, sprays, and pills, but she says insurance usually decides the form of treatment.Risks of Different Treatment TypesDr. McKenzie prescribes transdermal gels and lotions most often. For those, she warns that it’s important for men to wash their hands after application and for them to allow the gel or cream to dry after application, otherwise accidental transmission of testosterone to partners or pets may occur.She implies that most other methods are even safer, though high-dose injectable varieties of testosterone have been shown in some studies to increase the risk of blood clots, making heart disease important for prescribers to consider.Testosterone Abuse and MisuseSerena believes that testosterone is a wonderful substance, but she recommends it only be used with a clinician’s oversight. Because of testosterone’s ready availability online, she meets many men who buy themselves testosterone and are puzzled by the substance’s tendency to reduce, rather than increase, libido in healthy men.Producing Testosterone AgainFor men who don’t need lifetime testosterone treatment, Dr. McKenzie explains that results vary when treatment is discontinued. She says that some men—usually those who did not require treatment—produce adequate levels of testosterone immediately after treatment stops. Other men must wait for three to six months for their testicles to resume testosterone production, a time period that she warns can cause men to feel the depression, fatigue, and other symptoms associated with low levels of testosterone. She says that people who recover more slowly may require testosterone stimulating therapies to regain sexual function or fertility treatments if they intend to conceive a child. She also warns that a few men never regain their fertility or sexual function after undergoing testosterone treatments.Finding Treatment for Sexual DysfunctionDr. McKenzie admits that medical treatment for sexual problems can be difficult to find. She describes some doctors as being disinterested in hearing about their patients’ low libido and sexual problems.To meet the needs of this under-treated population, Serena tells us that pop-up sexual health clinics began to appear. Because pop-up clinics often provide inadequate or inappropriate treatment, she explains that more clinicians began to understand the need to provide sexual health services to their patients. Thanks to these changes, Serena shares the encouraging news that getting medical help for sexual problems is becoming easier every day.Background:A healthcare worker since 1992, Dr. Serena McKenzie is an evidence-based, holistic primary care physician with expertise in sexual medicine, healthy aging, and the pelvic floor. She is certified as a sexual medicine fellow (IF) through the International Society for Women’s Sexual Health (ISSWSH), as a nationally certified Menopause Practitioner (NCMP) through the North American Menopause Society (NAMS), and as a sex counselor through the American Association of Sex Educators and Therapists (AASECT). Using a multi-disciplinary approach that assesses her patients holistically, Dr. McKenzie helps her patients treat sexual dysfunction at every stage in life.Links for Dr. Serena McKenzie:https://www.drserena.com/https://www.huffpost.com/entry/how-much-testosterone-mak_b_8833162More info:Link to the free guide – Talking About Sex: http://bettersexpodcast.com/talkJoin my email list here: http://bettersexpodcast.com/listBook and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.comWeb – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/Better Sex with Jessa Zimmermanhttps://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/125-testosterone-dr-serena-mckenzieWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass Get full access to Jessa Zimmerman at jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Today’s show is going to delve into talking about sex with both your therapist and your physician, potentially, and how that collaboration can benefit your struggles can make a difference. I interview Dr. Pebble Kranz and Dan Rosen. He is a sex therapist, and she is a family practice physician. Both of them have had extensive training in sexual health and sexual treatment, and they started a clinic together.  What we talk about applies to you if you have some sexual struggles, because it is essential that your providers be communicating and collaborating and that you are getting the best of both worlds. Dan Rosen became licensed as a Clinical Social Worker after attending NYU’s school of social work. He became a Certified Sex Therapist in 2014 and chaired the AASECT Ethics Advisory Committee from 2016-2018.  He has been providing local training for psychotherapists and medical residents since 2008 as well as teaching sex therapy as an instructor at the University of Buffalo 2016-2017.  While the European Society of Sexual Medicine does not credential social workers, Mr. Rosen participated in the same training program as Dr. Kranz benefiting from the truly global perspective on sexuality and sexual health. Integrating sex therapy with psychodynamic psychotherapy, treatment of sexual abusers, EMDR, CBT, IFS, and couples counseling has been uniquely rewarding.  Now, as a member of the Rochester Center for Sexual Wellness team, Dr. Kranz and Dan are bringing this global perspective on sexual health to Western New York.  Dr. Kranz is Board-certified as a family physician and trained at the University of Rochester Family Medicine Residency Program with an area of focus in the psychosocial aspects of primary care.  Family medicine appealed to her as a specialty because of its whole-person, whole-family, and whole-community approach to medical care.  Family medicine residents at the University of Rochester train alongside marriage and family therapy trainees and are explicitly taught to work systemically and to collaborate with mental health providers.  Dr. Kranz’s prior medical training included almost no information on sexual function and dysfunction, nor did it expose me to a range of interventions for treatment. All along, her patients made it clear that this was an important part of their lives.  She completed a fellowship through the European Society of Sexual Medicine. Dr. Kranz now participates in both the medical school and residency curricula to improve exposure to sexual medicine. She and Mr. Rosen opened the Rochester Center for Sexual Wellness in 2017, providing comprehensive assessment and treatment for sexual concerns in individuals and couples of all genders.  Rochester Center for Sexual Wellness: https://rochestercenterforsexualwellness.com/ The organizations mentioned:  ISSWSH: https://www1.statusplus.net/sp/isswsh/find-a-provider/ ISSM: https://www1.statusplus.net/sp/issm/find-a-provider/ SMSNA: https://www1.statusplus.net/sp/smsna/healthcare-provider-search//index.php KinkAware Professionals: https://www.ncsfreedom.org/resources/kink-aware-professionals-directory/search-kap More info:Link to the free guide – Talking About Sex: http://bettersexpodcast.com/talkJoin my email list here: http://bettersexpodcast.com/listBook and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.comWeb – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/Better Sex with Jessa Zimmermanhttps://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/124-bridging-sex-therapy-and-sexual-medicine-dr-pebble-kranz-and-dan-rosenWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass Get full access to Jessa Zimmerman at jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

The Genesis of Five Core Conversations for CouplesJulie explains that she met David as an 18-year-old at the University of Maryland, which led to a 33-year marriage. She and David celebrate the fact that their differing work (David is a divorce lawyer, while Julie works as a couple’s therapist) affords them very different perspectives on dating and relationships. They tell us that their experience of marriage in their personal and professional conversations encouraged them to share their insight in a book they named Five Core Conversations for Couples.Julie Bulitt is a licensed clinical social worker with a focus on family, couples and individual therapy, ADHD, and executive functioning coaching. She’s been a Clinical Supervisor and Early Childhood Mental Health Consultant for the Montgomery County (Maryland) Mental Health Association, and an Adoption Therapist for the Center for Support and Education in suburban Washington, D.C. Currently, she is the in-house therapist for The Discovery Channel in Silver Spring, Maryland.David Bulitt is a partner at Joseph, Greenwald & Laake, PA in Washington, D.C. He’s consistently chosen as a top divorce lawyer, was named one of the “Best Lawyers in America” and a “Super Lawyer” in the Washington, D.C. Metro. Due to his personal experiences, David has a strong interest in families with special needs children. He’s written two novels and multiple articles for legal publications.The Five CoresDavid informs us that their book divides the conversations couples need to have in order to build successful relationships into five cores or ‘buckets’. He describes getting to know the other person as the first bucket. The second, third, and fourth are money, kids, and sex, which he says often bring conflict into relationships. Finally, he describes the last bucket as figuring out how to keep the relationship full and growing.‘Listen to Julie so that You Don’t Need David.’Julie explains the reason couples seek therapy differs wildly. She says that some people would never go to couple’s therapy, while others go as a last resort to try to avoid divorce, and others seek out couple’s therapy to proactively improve their relationships. She says that people who would never seek out counseling or who try and can’t get it to work for them often wind up in her husband’s office.In his work, David found four broad reasons that couples get divorced: money, sex, kids, and ‘general malaise not otherwise specified’. He suspects that less than half of the couples who get divorced have tried to improve their relationship with therapy. Despite this, he tells us he encourages couples with history, kids, and other ties between them to try therapy before going through with a divorce.He also discusses that some couples who have been married for twenty or thirty years have had kids dominate their lives for decades. He describes them spending years rushing around and getting the kids to the places they need to be, without ever taking the time to ‘water the garden’ of their relationship. He explains that many people in this situation look at the other person, and fail to find anything they have in common after their kids leave home. He and Julie emphasize that relationships have to be maintained consistently in order to survive.Building and Filling Your RelationshipJulie explains that new partners need to evaluate whether they’re suited for each other. She encourages couples to evaluate whether they have the same values, whether they both want kids, whether they think one or both partners working is ideal, and the like. She also tells us that maintaining that initial connection and those conversations with date nights and time spent together is essential.David interrupts to clarify that their book differs from self-help titles in its personal and detailed nature. For example, he lists chapters about Costco, dirty garages, and roofs that need to be replaced. Julie expounds upon this by informing us that each chapter contains questions that couples can answer together to kick-start conversations.David illustrates that this section of the book makes you think about the need to make time for each other every day and consider how you argue with each other. The book also discusses the silent treatment.Core Two: MoneyDavid describes a few different ways money comes up in his practice. One is that some partners were lied to or deceived about the amount of money or assets they have or owe. Another money-related problem that causes anger and resentment is when couples differ about how they believe money should be earned, saved, or spent.He discusses one couple who were living a nice life with cars, a big house, gym memberships, and the like. He says that everything seemed great for a while until one morning the wife was woken by the sound of scraping metal as her car was being repossessed—he tells us that that’s the first time she learned of their financial situation.Julie shares that she and David have made some bad financial decisions in their relationship, but they talked about their issues and faced them directly. She says that their marriage was ultimately strengthened by working together, looking at their situation, and making the tough decisions needed to improve their finances.Money-related Kickstarter QuestionsDavid shares multiple questions that couples are encouraged to discuss with each other: Is it my money or your money? Do we have separate accounts? Do we pay for separate bills, and is that something we’re both comfortable with? Have your spending habits caused any problems between you? Is it okay to continue saving this much when one of you feels like their work isn’t being rewarded?Core Three: ChildrenJulie opens up about their experience with secondary infertility. She says they had their first child easily, but couldn’t conceive when they tried for a second child. She describes struggling with that and their decision to adopt two children, only for Julie to conceive again nine years later.She also tells us that parenting put a lot of strain on their relationship by changing the way they interacted as a unit. She shares that they also struggled with one of their children having severe mental health issues and discusses the strain that put on their union.David admits that many anecdotes and sections in the parenting section come from their own experience, and may not specifically apply to many of their readers, but he explains that learning from the points of conflict they’ve experienced and encountered can serve as a model to help couples consider how events that happen to a child can impact other children and the relationship between parents.He also shares a story about his daughter embracing the Christian faith despite their family being Jewish, and describes the degree to which religious differences can pull families apart. He characterizes himself as being shocked by the revelation, while Julie helped them actually look at the situation and find ways to work together to create a happy, coherent family.David explains further points of conflict he’s seen with his clients, like having different philosophies surrounding setting rules, boundary issues, what their kids should or shouldn’t be exposed to in the media, what health treatments are or aren’t appropriate, and how involved parents should be in their children’s lives.Julie points out that parenting is always stressful, and there’s no manual to make it easy or ensure great results. She says it’s possible to try everything, do everything right, and still have insurmountable problems.Core Four: SexDavid tells us that sex can create conflict when people desire sex at different frequencies, when sex is too short or unsatisfying, when pornography negatively impacts a relationship, when one partner wants more excitement or experiments in the bedroom, when couples fail to feel a connection during sex, or when one couple only has sex from a sense of obligation.He says that infidelity does show up in his office, but he and Julie suggest that it’s often symptomatic of a relationship that’s gone bad, rather than the actual problem that causes divorce.Julie tells us that there are some people who can happily have a sexless marriage, but she states that for most couples, long periods without sexual activity creates negativity and tension.On the other hand, Julie discusses the fact that when sexual issues are resolved and couples have a mutually satisfying sex life, the positive energy from that can ripple out and help the rest of the relationship. She says that compromise is inevitable, but ultimately both couples should be satisfied and strengthened by their sex life, whether it’s because of the physical release or the emotional component of sex. She also mentions that one partner doing little things to seduce and entice the other can spice up life for a couple.Resources for Julie and David Bulitt:http://www.thebulitts.com/http://livesane.comhttps://www.davidbulitt.comhttps://www.facebook.com/DBtheAuthor/https://www.instagram.com/davidbulitt.author/More info:Link to the free guide – Talking About Sex: http://bettersexpodcast.com/talkJoin my email list here: http://bettersexpodcast.com/listBook and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.comWeb – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/Better Sex with Jessa Zimmermanhttps://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/123-5-core-conversations-julie-and-david-bulittWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass Get full access to Jessa Zimmerman at jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe