The Forgotten Podcast

Have you ever had a foster placement or adoption plan fall through? Initially, you feel excited about the prospect of welcoming another child into your home. You start gathering things you think the child may need. Clothes. Toys. School supplies. But then you get another call that the plan is being changed. On one hand, you’re grateful there’s still a plan to keep the child safe, but on the other hand you feel a deep sense of loss and grief. Learning to hold multiple conflicting emotions is a core part of foster care. All along the journey, we are holding both joy and grief. Beauty and hardship. Holding on and letting go. My guest today knows precisely what this feels like. Melissa McGilliard has been married to Chris for sixteen years and is a stay-at-home mom to their three boys, the youngest of which joined their family through foster care. In this episode, Melissa shares some of the raw emotions she has experienced as a foster parent, why better understanding herself has helped her better support her adopted child, and the importance of allowing your heart to hold conflicting emotions. Find resources mentioned and more in the show notes for this episode: https://theforgotteninitiative.org/melissa-mcgilliard-252/

“I couldn’t become a foster parent because I’d get too attached.” This is a sentiment we’ve heard many times from those considering foster care. We know that foster care is full of the good and the hard; both beauty and brokenness. Overcoming our fears and holding space for both of these things is no easy task. And in my guest’s experience, the fear of getting too attached is the very thing that makes you a good candidate to become a foster parent. Caitlyn Baten has been married to her best friend, Tim, for six years. She’s an adoptive and foster mom, is passionate about advocacy and ethical storytelling, and is a devoted follower of Christ. Caitlyn spent most of her professional career in the counter-trafficking space and now works for Buckner International where she comes alongside churches and engages them in the domestic and international work they do. In this episode, Caitlyn shares her honest experience of becoming a foster parent, why becoming attached to a whole family is important, practical advice for preparing for visits with biological parents, and the importance of giving yourself space for heavy emotions when a child reunifies. Find resources mentioned and more in the show notes: https://theforgotteninitiative.org/caitlyn-baten-251/

Open adoptions began in 1975, but they didn’t become more common until the 1990s. Today, 9 out of 10 adoptions are open. While open adoptions are far more common today, adoptive parents may have concerns and fears about navigating that relationship with a child's birth parents. Likewise, birth parents are often worried about finding the place they belong in the process and entrusting someone else to care for their child while still maintaining a relationship. Today, I have the privilege of learning from and listening to someone who was formerly in foster care and who is also a birth mother. Jori Victory is an advocate for healthy, open adoption, mental health resources, and post-placement care for birth mothers. She lives in Utah with her four children. In this episode, Jori shares with us her experience of navigating the birth and adoptive parent relationship, the importance of remaining in a child’s life, the loss that can come with not knowing your biological parents, and the challenge of discovering your identity in the midst of complex circumstances. Find resources mentioned and more in the show notes: https://theforgotteninitiative.org/jori-victory-250/

TW: This episode contains mentions of drug use, physical abuse, and sexual abuse. If these topics could be triggering for you or others, we wanted you to be aware of these topics before listening. The trauma of our past can often define us and inform what we think and how we behave. This can create a cycle in which we are far more likely to repeat the mistakes of those who have gone before us. As Darnella Miller was growing up, her mother was caught in a cycle of drug addiction, placing Darnella in many unsafe situations that led to multiple forms of abuse and eventually removal from her mother’s care. Today, Darnella is the Founder and CEO of BornCovered, a program where she gets to use her personal journey through foster care, teenage parenthood, and aging out of the system to empower, support, and uplift young girls and youth facing similar challenges. A Brooklyn native, Darnella is deeply committed to her family. She is happily married, with three daughters and three bonus sons. In this episode, you’ll hear the emotions children may experience when being placed in foster care, how Darnella has broken generational cycles, and how the system can offer valuable support. Find resources mentioned and more in the show notes for this episode: https://theforgotteninitiative.org/darnella-miller-249/

There can be a lot of pressure on foster parents to always step up and say “yes” to each placement. One of the reasons many became foster parents was to be able to make a significant difference, so doesn’t that mean accepting as many placements as you are able? But what happens if you say “no” to a placement? What if you say “no” when a child in foster care is able to be adopted? My guests, AJ and Katrina Nowaczyk, know what it feels like to have to say “no.” They have fostered nine children. While they didn’t set out to only foster, they learned a lot whenever the opportunity to adopt a child came up. In multiple cases, the circumstances pointed to needing to say “no.” In this episode, you’ll learn what goes into saying yes and no, that there is no one-size-fits-all formula, and the importance of approaching each situation with prayer. Find resources mentioned and more in the show notes: https://theforgotteninitiative.org/prayerful-decisions/

Tori Petersen, a bestselling author and advocate for foster care, shares her gripping journey through twelve placements in the system. She reveals the trauma of her early childhood, including a dramatic SWAT team raid. Tori discusses the emotional toll of moving between homes and the importance of mentorship, highlighting her relationship with her track coach. She reflects on finding a loving foster family and the transformative power of community support. Tori’s story inspires hope and emphasizes that no one is alone in their struggles.

It's not as common that we get to hear the perspective and experience of biological parents in the foster care community, but it's such an important perspective for us to hear and understand. My guest, Ashley, found herself caught in addiction after being exposed to narcotic painkillers during a hospital stay for several clots in her brain. When her drug use spiraled out of control, it led to her son being removed from her custody and put into foster care. Ashley’s story is one of brokenness but also one of redemption. In this episode, you’ll hear about the circumstances that can lead to a child being removed, the unique perspective of a birth parent, the complexity of addiction, and the important role foster parents can play. Find resources mentioned and more in the show notes: https://theforgotteninitiative.org/birth-parent-perspective/

Parenting is not for the faint of heart. It takes work every day to understand how to best love our kids, teach them, and correct them. Add to that learning how to parent a child who has gone through trauma, and you realize you need a completely different set of tools. Strategies that may have worked for our biological children now seem to have the opposite effect on our kids. Kristin Berry is the co-founder of The Resilient Caregiver (formerly The Honestly Adoption Company), an author, podcaster, as well as a foster and adoptive parent. She is passionate about helping caregivers learn how to reframe their perspective on their child’s trauma history and respond to behaviors with compassion and connection. Kristin and her husband, Mike, have fostered for nine years and have had 23 children come through their doors. In this episode, Kristin gives practical insight into why traditional parenting doesn’t work for kids who have experienced trauma, how you can parent in a way that promotes connection, and how to take away the power of negative behaviors. Find resources mentioned and more in the show notes for this episode: https://theforgotteninitiative.org/kristin-berry-trauma-informed/

Have you wanted to foster or adopt but just don’t know if it’s the “right time?” My guest for this episode can relate! Jason Johnson and his wife knew they wanted to become foster parents, but were unsure when they should pursue it or how it might affect their biological children. Jason is a speaker, writer, former pastor, and church planter who encourages families and equips church and organizational leaders on their foster care and adoption journeys. He is also the Director of Church Mobilization and Engagement with Christian Alliance for Orphans (CAFO). Jason has a deep passion for seeing the gospel catalyze a movement of foster care in the church around the world. Jason and his wife, Emily, are foster and adoptive parents who live in Texas with their four daughters. In this episode, you’ll hear how Jason started his foster care journey, how to find the “perfect” time to foster or adopt, tips for navigating the concern of loving a child that might leave your family, and learn a new way to look at comments from strangers about your adoptive or foster family. Whether you are currently a foster parent, are considering becoming one, or know someone who is, I know you will be encouraged by what Jason shares in this conversation! Find resources mentioned and more in the show notes for this episode: https://theforgotteninitiative.org/jason-johnson-perfect-time/

Does this sound familiar to you? The child in your care comes home from school and after having a snack and telling you about their day, you sit down to help them with their homework. In an instant, it’s like you have an entirely different child. They throw themselves on the floor in rage or even check out entirely at the mere mention of homework. Or maybe you receive what feels like daily calls from their school updating you about something that happened during the day or asking you to come pick them up early. These are just a couple of many scenarios you may find yourself in when caring for a child who has experienced trauma. It can feel like all the tactics you’ve learned or used in the past don’t work anymore. My guest today can relate! Cherilyn Orr has a background in education spanning from the pre-school to university level along with extensive professional development in trauma-informed care. Launched out of her own need as a parent to help her children, Cherilyn developed the Stoplight Approach which simplifies complex brain science into a common language to transform relationships. She is a mother to many—three biological, four adopted, and multiple children through foster care. In this episode, you’ll learn what is going on inside your child’s brain in these chaotic moments, what the Stoplight Approach is, and some practical tools for trauma-informed care to add to your toolbelt. Find resources mentioned and more in the show notes for this episode: https://theforgotteninitiative.org/cherilyn-orr-248/