Anxious Attachment Solution: Taking Back Her Brain with Love Life Coach Amber Lynn

Learning to hold space for our kids. Learning that kids are allowed to feel their feelings, learning that their feelings are okay. Teaching our kids how to feel their emotions.When we learn to hold space for ourselves as parents, we soon learn how to hold space for our children to have emotions and feelings.The more our children learn to feel their emotions, the more their brain learns that these negative emotions are not a threat, the more that the brain learns they are not a threat the less impulsive they become, and same for parents and the more they learn to feel their feelings.

In today's podcast we are learning what it means to hold space for other people. Lately a common theme I see with my clients is this sense of needing to make other people feel better. So often we take on the responsibility to make other people feel a certain way… Sometimes this comes from a place of love (we just want them to not feel the way they feel)Sometimes this comes from a place of control (it makes us feel so uncomfortable when they feel this way so we need to make it stop)Sometimes this comes from a place of selfishness ( we want to feel better about something so we need them to feel better)So I want to teach you all a few things People are allowed to feel their feelingsPeople are allowed all the time they want not just need but want to take to process their feelingsPeople are allowed to not always be happy, joyous, content, etc it's actually normal and apart of the human experiencePeople are allowed to have their thoughts about your actions even if you didn’t do whatever the thing is on purpose, it is their thoughts that create their feelings, and they are allowed those, it is not your job to control or change their thoughtsOf course you can apologize when you “hurt” someone’s feelings or cause negative emotions, but you have to be doing it for yourself- not for them to change how they are feeling because you are not in control of themI also want to take about what I learned from my Teacher’s Brooke Castillo and Kara Loewentheil- they taught me the concept of the Manual When we have a miscommunication with someone- we hurt their feelings or they quote hurt ours we have an internal manual that states what the other person should doThey should forgive me right away or they should change how they feel immediatelyThey should “know where we are coming from”Whenever we are “shoulding” someone else we need to take a look at our thoughtsWhy is it so important that they change the way they feel right away? What are we making their feelings mean about us? What are we making it all mean? What we have to learn to do is hold space for other people, their thoughts, their feelings and their opinions:What this looks like is creating space outside of us. Picture yourself with a belt on with water bottle holders, and inside each of those water bottles is the space for someone else.

They said it is your turn to be an example of what is possible.So in order for me to become an example of what is possible “I had to trust myself, trust the process, and decide to have my own back NO Matter how my decision turned out. Within a week of being home from Mastermind, I had decided to request a shared contract for the year 2022-2023, where I will have the opportunity to continue teaching 50% of the time and then I will have the other 50% of the time to create the solid foundation of my business.I decided to go ALL in on me, on MY DREAMS, and on my clients. I decided that it was time to be an example of what is possible. Am I scared, sure! Am I 100% sure I am making the "right" choice, NOPE but I am 100% sure that I am making the "right" choice for me, at this time in my life. I am 100% sure that I will have my own back no matter what, and I will do whatever it takes to get to where I am headed.During this process I realized that Accomplishing Goals is a mindset. It is not the action that we take, it is a shift in mindset and beliefAccomplishing goals is learning to create thoughts on purpose. Owning your own life. Keeping promises to yourself. Creating your plan. Your schedule and following it no matter what. Accomplishing goals mindset means planning ahead of time what I am going to do when I don’t want to do the thing that will help me accomplish my goal. It’s learning to feel uncomfortable emotions, its learning to follow through with promises that I make to myself. It’s learning to say no to things that are no longer serving me. Accomplishing Goals and Going towards your dream. Building something from your brain, is a mindset of belief: My Life Coach Stacy Bohoem has thing thing called three stages of belief. And they are all thoughts: thoughts about where you are now, thoughts about where you want to be and thoughts about how where you want to be is inevitable. belief that you can do it, belief that it is possible, and then the confidence that it is inevitable. .Taking action towards your goals, even especially uncomfortable actions, takes a shift in mindset. It takes learning to trust yourself, learning to own your life with authority, and taking consistent action towards your goals regardless of what you’d rather be doing instead.It's learning how to use your higher brain, it's choosing consciously to plan ahead and follow your plan, to meet your goals.It’s learning how to stop the buffering and numbing out of uncomfortable emotions.It’s learning how to stop indulging in false pleasures that keep you numb and in the same place, even when you’d rather be closer to your dreams and taking actions towards them.It’s learning how to hear what your brain is saying, it’s negative chatter without listening to it and caving into his primitive requests to buffer, over indulge in any activity that takes you away from making progress towards your goal.So if you have dreams, if you have goals you have been putting off, here is your sign to go be an example of WHAT IS POSSIBLE, even when it's a little scary, even when you don't know THE “how”, but you know it is what you really want!If you want to learn how to be able to show up like this for yourself, to set goals and go after them. If you want to learn how accomplishing goals is a mindset then you need to set up a consultation and start my 8 week program, where it is tailored to your desired result, where I teach you step by step how to create a goal mindset learning to challenge your doubts and create self belief.. You can also email me: at Amberlynn@takingbackherbrain.com and say add me to your email list, I want a consult.

It is their love for me, their belief in me, that helps me talk back to my brain when it whispers all my self doubt. It is their support for me that allows me to have the determination to keep pushing through my brain's insecure chatter.Before thought work, finding self coaching, and hiring my own Life Coach. I knew my sisters "supported me" BUT I thought they were "judging" me way more than supporting me. I always had these thoughts about how they “didn’t approve of me/ my choices” “That I wasn’t good enough” ( which is a common thought error my brain continues to whisper to me, but now I call my brain out!).I was so worried about how my sisters, my parents, my family saw me and what they thought about my choices. My brain always generously gave me thoughts like “They are better than you are.” “They are perfect” “They make better choices than you do “ …. Basically they were everything I wasn’t.Now I know, I was projecting my insecure thoughts and self criticism back onto me, but saying "they were doing it" when really it was my insecure. critical thoughts I had about myself.Thanks to life coaching, and awareness of my own brain, its thought patterns, and the errors it wants to feed me. I finally have the relationships that I have always wanted with my sisters, because I can now manage my mind, own my thoughts and own my feelings. Thought work has brought me emotionally, and mentally closer to my sisters, and for that I will forever be grateful.I now have the capacity: mentally and emotionally to hold space for my sisters to have their thoughts and feelings, and not make it mean anything about me. While also holding space for myself for when my brain wants to feed me unhelpful thoughts, I can talk back to my brain and really get to the bottom of it without all the mental drama, without arguing and fighting, without hurt feelings that lasted months and sometimes years. I have learned how to manage my mind Own my thoughts and my feelings, and I have learned how to let other people do the same.Thought work has given me the opportunity to be closer to the most important people in my life, without all the anxiety, overwhelm and drama. Yes it still happens, but it happens less often and with less intensity.It allowed me to see that what I thought other people were "thinking about me" or how they were "judging me" was really how I was judging myself. It has allowed me to take ownership for my thoughts and my feelings, and allowed me to be more open and honest in my relationships with family and friends. Giving me space to really see how much they really love and believe in me. Giving me space to see that my brain was what was holding me back and creating so much self doubt, in the disguise of "other people's thoughts and opinions of me".If you want to learn how to be able to show up like this for yourself, and learn how to manage your mind around family members. Then you need to set up a consultation and start my 8 week program, where it is tailored to your desired result, where I teach you step by step how to create emotionally healthy relationships with less anxiety and overwhelm. You can also email me: at Amberlynn@takingbackherbrain.com and say add me to your email list, I want a consult. Hey and don’t forget to join my free facebook group!

Exploring the difference between what we think is happening and what is really happening, focusing on the impact of negative self-talk on attachment systems. Discussing the importance of self-compassion in managing overwhelming emotions and reactions to triggers. Highlighting the role of mindfulness in shifting from reactive to compassionate responses, and the significance of acknowledging and accepting intense emotions before reacting.

This thought error leads us to indulging in false pleasures, taking action to feel better, to get out of the feeling which is only temporary. We stop going towards our dreams or our goals because it doesn’t always feel good, so if it doesn’t always feel good I am doing something wrong, which leads to us not taking the action that needs to be taken to reach our goal. When this feel good myth appears in our family dynamics, our work environment, our friendships or relationships, and we feel entitled to always feeling good and then we feel an uncomfortable emotion of: shame, rejection, judgment, failure then we think something has gone wrong, something isn't’ working or the relationship isn’t working, and we may start avoiding the people, blaming them, reacting to them. Instead of asking ourselves why are these feelings a problem? Instead of realizing that life is 50/50. 50% comfortable emotions and 50% uncomfortable emotions, and really seeing what is happening, we become reactive and impulsive, because our brain so badly wants to get out of these uncomfortable feelings. We stop showing up the way we want toWe blame others for how we are feelingWe avoid our feelings so we don’t learn to feel all of the feelingsWe don’t get to live the entire human experienceWe don’t self reflectThose of us with anxious attachment have a hard time processing when things quote go wrong or don’t feel secure. Our nervous response system really triggers and our amygdala gets activated and our prefrontal cortex goes offline, and it's so important that we notice this about ourselves. So that we can jump in, especially when things pop up in relationships that we perceive as problematic. Learning to know that it’s okay not to always feel “excited and immense happiness inside a relationship” and feeling sadness or uncomfortable feeling is part of the process. This thought error is also seen when we are are trying to reach a new goal, or develop a new habit or routine, then something makes us feel not happy, not motivated,we didn’t follow the plan or our schedule, we got off track so this must mean “I don’t really want it” “I am not supposed to do it, maybe it's just not for me”We give up when we feel an uncomfortable emotion of: shame, rejection, judgment, failure, then we think something has gone wrong, or the goal/ routine isn’t working. Instead of asking ourselves why are these feelings a problem? Why is it a problem that our brain is not motivated? Instead of learning that feeling unmotivated isn’t a problem and its only our brain's way of conserving energy, and increasing pleasure. Why is it a problem that we don’t want to do something new? What if us not wanting to do it was part of the process but didn’t mean that we didn’t have to do the thing that is new, hard and challenging and makes us feel all the feelings that we never want to feel? Instead realizing that life is 50/50. 50% comfortable emotions and 50% uncomfortable emotions. We learn how to show up the way we want toWe stop blaming others, or blaming our circumstancesWe understand how learning to feel all of our feelings actually gets us closer to our goal AND is part of the processWe learn not to resist reality, we learn not to buffer and numb which then allows us to feel the uncomfortable emotions BUT also allows us to feel the depth of comfortable emotions allowing us to live the entire human experienceWe become self reflect and push ourselves to feel these emotions AND take action anyways because we planned ahead of time that we were going to.Thoughts that my be helpful:We can feel UNCOMFORTABLE emotions AND STILL take the action we decided to take.

hat if, instead of shaming ourselves for not following our diet plan, for missing that exercise appointment, for not painting with our children or for not doing that 'pinterest' thing we wanted to do with our kids, we got curious and asked ourselves why. We didn't follow our plan? Why didn't we follow our schedule? How could we show up for ourselves with love and compassion when we are NOT perfect, but we still want to meet our goals, or be that person we want to become? We have to learn to get curious instead of criticizing. Criticizing does not get us closer to our goals. Curiosity allows us to show ourselves compassion while truly trying to understand what happened in our brain.I used to shame myself non stop, and saying things like "I'm just not a consistent person" "I'm not someone who could follow a plan" "If I really wanted it, I would have done it" "I must not really want it" "If really wanted it I would feel motivated and I would feel good about it all the time and it wouldn't be so hard"All of which were lies my brain was telling me to keep me in my comfort zone. To keep me stuck, keep me in my negative thoughts and create more negative emotions, which would not drive me to take the action required to meet my goals.So I had to learn to get curious, instead of criticizing myself. I had to learn to look at my thoughts and the emotions they were creating. I had to learn to feel the urge to NOT do the thing and DO the thing anyways. I had to learn that the URGE to NOT do the THING was normal and it didn’t mean that I couldn’t or didn’t want to meet my goal, it was my brain's way of conserving energy and INDULGING in pleasure. I had to teach my brain that we are not becoming someone who feels our URGES but does not indulge in them."Brain this is who we are becoming! We got this"​​​​​​​ We can feel the urge to not do this and do it anyway.” “ We can feel the urge to not want to do the thing and not make it mean anything negative about us or about us reaching our goal.If you have goals that you want to learn how to reach, if you have goals that you need help developing beliefs around then my eight week 1:1 coaching program is for you!We work on our thoughts and our beliefs around our goals and around who we 'believe' we are, and how sometimes those beliefs are actually holding us back.If you have goals that you want to learn how to reach, but you have anxiety around failure and not doing it "perfectly" and you need help developing beliefs around the truth that you can cope with failure AND accomplish your goals, then my eight week 1:1 coaching program is for you!We work on our thoughts and our beliefs around failure, around being perfect and doing it perfectly. We work on what it actually means to make progress, and what progress actually feels like. We uncover the "feel good myth" about our goals and how those beliefs actually hold us back.If you are ready to make a change in your mindset and accomplish the goals you want in life: Register for my 8 week program AND sign up for a consultation. Let's get started!

When our focus is being perfect, we no longer leave room for risk even “calculated risks” so we stop ourselves from reaching our potential. We may not even attempt to set goals, or we start goals but never see them through because they didn’t go quote as planned.Not only does it hold us back from setting, and reaching our goals, it also stops us from being able to have a genuine loving relationship with ourselves and others.We don’t allow ourselves to be human, we beat ourselves up for “not being productive” for feeling “unmotivated”, “lonely”, “weak”, “unhappy”, “depressed”, “anxious” the list goes on and on. When we don’t allow ourselves room to feel emotions while criticizing ourselves we start resisting our emotions, when we start resisting our emotions we begin the long cycle of buffering, and numbing out of our feelings. Then we become so detached from our body, that we no longer are able to connect to how we are feeling, because we spent so much of our life trying not to feel. The thing about feelings though is one way or another they demand to be felt, either in small increments as they arrive or a volcano of emotion after time of being suppressed, not one easier to feel than the other, however one is easier to manage.Why do we need to feel our feelings? IF we spend so much time numbing the uncomfortable emotions, we don’t realize it but we slowly begin to make it harder to feel the good and exciting emotions. We end up dialing down all of our emotions.What if we get to decide that we don’t have to be perfect, what if we get to decide that we would rather live a full life and go after our dreams and goals. What if we weren’t scared of who we really were, because who we really are is amazing and is worthy just as we are. What would you try to do or goal would you attempt if you thought “It might be possible, AND you didn’t have to do it perfectly?”What relationships would you learn to say no to?What friendships would you allow yourself to set boundaries?How would you show up for yourself and others if you didn’t feel the need to control everyone’s feelings? What pressure would be taken off of your shoulders? Because remember, YOU do NOT control other people’s thoughts and feelings, I know this is hard for perfectionists and quote “people pleasers” YOU CAN NOT CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS, THOUGHTS, or BEHAVIORS.What would you do differently if you allowed other people to be responsible for their own thoughts and feelings and you allowed yourself to ONLY be responsible for your thoughts and feelings?I know that if I never found thought work, if I never found coaching my inner self would still be knocking to come out, and I would still be doing everything to keep her quiet and in the closet. No pun intended. I know now that I am worthy, and who I am is beautiful, and I have so much to offer this world that I wouldn’t be able to give if I was who I thought everyone else wanted me to be. I would be a totally different person that I am not too, because who I was back then, was a person created from fear, self criticism and constant comparison. So I hope this podcast helps you to learn to love yourself, exactly as you are, or who you are meant to be. May you learn to observe your thoughts, and feel your feelings, and be in awareness of why you do what you do. If you want to dig deeper and learn how to do this work, this deep work of undoing the learning of being a perfectionist or a people pleaser than my 8 week 1:1 coaching program is for you. I tailor the program to your needs, so that you can get the result that you want. So go over to IG, add me Taking Back Her Brain and dm me your email address, or go to the link in my Instagram bio and set up a consultation call. I can’t wait to work with you and do this deep work in learning to love you and show the world exactly who you were meant to be.

Remember when emotions are high, our intelligence is low. What that means is when emotions are high our primitive brain has been activated and our higher brain has LITERALLY been taken off line. So if we choose to immediately respond our response will not be using our higher brain and we may not show up the way we want to for ourselves or our partner. So I always believe in asking for processing time, and honoring someone else when they ask for processing time.When we have and allow processing time we are giving both parties the time to CHOOSE how they want to respond and how they really want to show up for each other and for their higher self. When we practice feeling uncomfortable emotions while we hear what someone has to say about us or an experience they had with us, we are teaching our brain that its okay, and that we are going to be there for it no matter what, that we are not going to make judgemental statements back to ourselves, we are not going to go on the negative train ride, we are going to allow negative emotions without making it mean anything about us. Someone can have thoughts and feelings about us and we do not have to make it mean something morally wrong. We can take the pressure off.

Full PDF of PodcastNow onto the confirmation basis- those internal beliefs that we have deep down that are normally triggered by circumstances that challenge our value or worthYou are going to be alone foreverWe both know you won’t be alone forever, if you put in the work to heal, to date again, and be open to the opportunity to find love and be open to the opportunity of someone loving you, you will find it.You will be single for the rest of your lifeAgain, you will only be single for the rest of your life if you keep fighting the reality that your relationship is over and that your ex has moved on, when we reject or resist our reality it keeps us from moving forward to the life that we deserve. So I will practice the thought: I am open to the reality that my ex has moved on, I accept the reality that I am single, I am open to the reality that I will find someone who is open to love me and whom I am open to loveIn the beginning I try to make this personal narratives as open/ kinda neutral - so that I make sure it is something that I truly do believe is possible, because a thought is not helpful if we can’t believe it.Love is hard for you Love is not hard for you, letting go and moving on is hard for you, accepting reality is hard on you, love is actually really easy for you. You love love and you love being in love. I am open to accepting my reality and not resisting my path that I deserve.You can’t ever find a partner who stays. So, what if you haven’t found a partner that stays? Would you want to be with the wrong partner? Just because you have not found a partner that stays or that you have not had a relationship not end doesn’t mean anything about you or about your future relationships. I am open to finding a partner on purpose, I am open to finding and developing healthy relationships in hopes that it will be a lasting relationship.You are not enough for a partner. So what if you have not been ‘enough’ or been the ‘right’ partner for your past partners? This doesn’t mean that you won't be enough or won’t be right for a future partner. Remember your value is not tied to your relationship status. Your value is in your soul and you have unconditional love and value. You are enough for yourself and when the partner that is meant for you arrives you will be enough for them.We are rewiring our brains, we are taking them back from the break up, we are no longer going to resist reality. We are going to feel each feeling that comes with accepting the reality, the sadness, the rejection, the disappointment, the fear, and we are not going to make it mean anything about us or who we are. We are going to remind our brain that this is when it is hard, this is when negative emotions are hard to feel, and that they are heavy, but it won’t last forever and nothing has gone wrong with us. We can feel all of these emotions and know they are just sensations in our bodies, they can’t harm us, only if we try to resist them does it harm us as it continues to take us away from the present moment.So we are going to feel our feelings with love and understanding. We are going to take back our brain with compassion, by accepting reality for what it is and being open to what the future holds all the while remembering that nothing has gone wrong, you are loveable, you are worthy, you are of great value, and you are open to the opportunity of having the relationship that you desire.