Ask the Pastor with J.D. Greear

This week, listen into one of Pastor J.D.’s recent sermons as he answers the question, “What Does It Mean Practically to Follow Jesus?” Show Notes: What does it mean to become a Christian? According to the gospels, very simply, it means to follow Jesus. It doesn’t mean to start being perfect; it’s not to know every answer to every theological question, it’s just to follow Jesus. Jesus invites people everywhere and anywhere to follow him.  Now, I want to acknowledge that a lot of people don’t know exactly what that means. Back in biblical times, it was pretty straightforward. You literally just followed him—he went that way, you went that way. But today, he’s not physically here anymore, he’s invisible, so what does it mean to follow him?  Great question. Back in those days, when you wanted to follow a Rabbi, you would go and sit at his feet and he would examine you with questions and put you through a series of tests to see if you were worthy to be their disciple. If you passed, they’d invite you to follow them, at which point you’d literally go everywhere with them, listening to everything they taught, watching all the ways they’d interact, and trying to imitate their every move. Ray Vander Laan, a historian who specializes in 1st century Israel, said that in those days the greatest praise you could give to a talmid (which is the Hebrew word for disciple) was “the dust of your rabbi is all over you.” That didn’t mean “Dude, you’re dirty! Go take a shower!” It meant, “You have followed your rabbi so closely that you’ve heard everything he said, seen everything he’s done, and everything he’s stepped in has splashed up on you.”  All of that should give you a picture of what it means to follow Jesus. Here’s Ray Vander Laan’s definition: “A talmid (disciple) is someone who seeks not only to know what his master knows, but also to do what his master does.” There are two elements there: The first: Learning. You want to know what your master knows. Listen, if you want to be a disciple, there’s no shortcut to this—there’s a lot of learning involved. If you are serious about being a disciple, your life will be filled with a lot of learning, listening to messages, being regularly in church, reading books, participating in small groups and leadership cohorts seeking to grow in your knowledge. You say, “But I’m not really an academic kind of person.” Look, you don’t have to be. I’m just saying if you’re in love with somebody, you’re going to learn all about them—and that’s a big part of the Christian life. But that’s just half of the discipleship formula… The other half is doing. A disciple doesn’t want to merely know what his master knows; he or she also wants to do what his master does. How did he live? What were his priorities?  Following Jesus means seeking to know what he knows, and do what he does. Around the Summit, you’ll hear us simplify that into the 5 identities of the disciple: You become a worshiper, family member, servant, steward, and witness. That’s what he was. 45 Philip (went and) found (a friend named) Nathanael and said to him, “We have found him of whom Moses in the Law and also the prophets wrote, Jesus of Nazareth, the son of Joseph.”  46 Nathanael said to him, “Can anything good come out of Nazareth?”  Nathanael said, “Can anything good come outta there?” Totally snobby. But Philip doesn’t answer it; he just says, “Come see for yourself.” Some of you have a friend you want to tell about Jesus, but you don’t, because you are afraid of how they are going to react. Follow this example of Philip. Jesus doesn’t need your help converting them; he’ll do that. Just tell them your story like Philip did, and when they ask you an antagonistic question, you say, “Come and see for yourself… Come to church with me. Let’s read the Bible together.” Jesus does all the converting; we just need to extend the invitation. Think of it like if you were asked to defend a caged lion—you don’t need to defend the lion, just open the gate, and let the lion do his own defending. Want to ask J.D. a question? Head to our Ask Me Anything hub to submit your question. As always, don’t forget to rate and review this podcast! Find Pastor J.D. on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

This week, listen into one of Pastor J.D.’s recent sermons on the life of King David as he answers the question, “How can I know where God is moving?” Show Notes: David doesn’t figure out what he wants to do and ask God to bless it; he asks God what God wants to do and seeks to follow him. We see countless examples of this, like the question that opens chapter 2: “After this, David inquired of the Lord, ‘Shall I go up into any of the cities of Judah?’ And the Lord said to him, ‘Go up.’ David said, ‘To which shall I go up?’ And he said, ‘To Hebron.’ 2 So David went up there…” One of the phrases we have started using around the Summit Church is that success in our ministry means joining God in what he is doing around us. Success is not attempting great things for God and asking him to bless us; success is discerning where God is at work and joining him in that.  A lot of us go through life backwards. We assume that God has put us into the world to figure stuff out and fix everything, so our general attitude is; “God, this is what I think needs to be done; help me in it.”  But in every epoch of Scripture, God is the primary actor. God is the one bringing salvation and blessing to the earth. Our job is to discern where he is at work and join him.  Jesus explained in John 5 that this was his whole ministry philosophy. He said, “My Father is always at work around me, and my job is to figure out what he is doing and join him in it.” A person after God’s own heart seeks to join God in what he is doing. You say, “But what does that mean exactly?” How do you discern where God is at work? Great question! Sometimes it can take the form of a divine call that comes to you through an opportunity the Spirit invites you into. Think of Paul who got the vision of the man from Macedonia saying, “Come and help us.” Paul discerned that God was calling him to go over and be a part of what he was doing in Macedonia. Now, you may not get an actual vision, but God might let you sense some opportunity where you are positioned and gifted to help, and you sense the Spirit saying, “Come and join me in what I’m doing.” Or maybe it’s in a conversation that you sense God has been at work in someone’s heart and he’s put you in a place to participate. That’s what Jesus did with the woman at the well in John 4. He sensed the Father had created a sense of dissatisfaction in her and put him there to point out where she could find living water. All my sharing Jesus on an airplane or in a coffee shop are like that. I ask questions, and get a sense that God is at work in someone’s life, and I join him in that. Sometimes you discern where he is at work by experiencing unusual success in something. As a church, we have been involved in lots of different initiatives, but we’ve never experienced the success like we have in missions and church planting—it’s like there is a divine wind blowing behind us. We’ve sent out close to 1600 of our members on church planting teams. Other pastors ask, “How do you do this? What leadership strategies?” It’s not my leadership. I know that because a lot of other good ideas I’ve tried here have failed.” This is just an area where God is at work, and we’ve sought to join him.  One of my prayers for 2023 is that God would open up my ears to hear the sound of his marching so that I can join him. For most of my life, I’ve done the opposite. I’ve assumed it’s my responsibility to fix everything, and seek his help. No, that’s his job. My job is to join him in what he’s doing. At the end of the day, your greatest Strategy for Success = Submission. Good news: this year, I’m not responsible to win my neighbors or friends to Christ. The Holy Spirit does that. I’m not responsible to grow this church—numerically or spiritually. He does that. He invites me to join in what he’s doing—which means that more important than great ideas I might have for God are ears to hear what he’s saying and eyes to see what he’s doing, so I can join him. The first quality that makes David, a man after God’s own heart is a posture of submission. Is that your attitude toward your life? Toward your dating life? Your career? Your retirement? God, open my eyes so I can join you in what you are doing…” Want to ask J.D. a question? Head to our Ask Me Anything hub to submit your question. As always, don’t forget to rate and review this podcast! Find Pastor J.D. on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

This week, listen into one of Pastor J.D.’s recent sermons on the life of King David and his friendship with Jonathan and discover what makes the best friendship. Show Notes: Here’s what David’s friendship with Jonathan did: 1. It shielded David. Jonathan alerted David to danger that he was unaware of. He saw things that David could not see. The central point is that together is better.  And that’s partially because our friends see danger in our lives before we do. The definition of a blind spot is something you can’t see because you are blind to it. If you knew about it, it wouldn’t be a blind spot. You can’t see it, but quite often your friends can. Often that blind spot is in our own hearts: Proverbs 18:1, “An isolated man seeks his own desire and rages against all sound judgment.” When you get isolated, selfish heart deformities begin to grow unchecked.  Are people close enough to you to speak into your life? Be honest.  Here’s the second thing this friendship did: 2. It strengthened David. Jonathan spoke courage into David’s life when David was ready to give up. He reminded David that God had great plans for his life even when David’s world seemed to be collapsing around him. True friends multiply your strength. God designed our hearts to work that way.  God made us so that our strength multiplies when we pull together with a friend. Have you experienced that? Close friendships sustain and strengthen us: I was re-reading something Tim Keller said the other day about marriage. He said in times of distress, it’s not the romantic part of the marriage relationship that helps, but the friendship part. He talked about going through one of the most difficult seasons of his life, and says in the middle of it that it dawned on him: His wife helped sustain him but not because she was his wife—but because she was his friend. What I needed, he said, wasn’t sex, or a roommate, or someone I shared my bank account with. It was a true soul friend.  And so he says to married people, or those looking to get married: “You must do everything possible, you must pay any price, to be best friends with your spouse.” Good marriages, he says, are not basically romance garnished with friendship. They are friendships garnished with romance. And for those of you not married, it means that the most sustaining parts of marriage are available to you. It’s not sex or sharing a bed—it’s friendship.  So, this friendship shielded David, and strengthened him, and lastly: 3. It shaped David. Later on we’ll see David show extreme generosity and selflessness with others. After tragedy had struck Saul and Jonathan’s house, David asked if there was any of Jonathan’s descendants he could show kindness to. And David found Jonathan had one living relative, a boy named Mephibosheth, but he was crippled. David said, “Bring him to my table. He’ll never lack anything,” and for the rest of his life David treated him like a son. That’s a generosity of spirit he learned, at least in part, from Jonathan. Jonathan’s character shaped David’s character. That’s what Proverbs says will happen: Proverbs 13:20, “He that walks with wise men shall be wise, but the companion of fools shall be destroyed.” I’ve heard Pastor Craig Groeschel say that this verse means there is one place in your lives I can look right now to accurately predict our future. It’s not your New Year’s resolutions. It’s who your close friends are. Craig says you become the average of your five closest friends.  You say, “That’s depressing.” The good news in that is that if you want to change your future and are not sure where to start, you have a very actionable step: change your close friendships.   I often say it’s not the dreams you dream that determine your destiny; it’s the small decisions you make. One of those important decisions is who you do life with; who you walk closely with.  Pastor Groeschel says, “We all have something we’d like to become… a better parent. A better student/worker. A more solid Christian. What if the decision to become that was really a decision about what friends you chose?” Friendships are important because they shield us, strengthen us, and shape us. That’s how God designed us.  Want to ask J.D. a question? Head to our Ask Me Anything hub to submit your question. As always, don’t forget to rate and review this podcast! Find Pastor J.D. on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

This week, listen into one of Pastor J.D.’s recent sermons where he explained a question based on Matthew, Chapter 7: “Can you be active in church and still go to hell?” Show Notes: On that final day there will be a lot of people, Jesus says, to whom he says, “You were active in my church; you were super religious; but you never really repented; so I never knew you.” Are you going to be in that number? Part of my own story of coming to Christ came after a Sunday School teacher confronted me with that in middle school. It was a Friday night and my whole small group had gone over to his house so we could go bowling. But before we went, he wanted to do a short Bible study, because that’s what you do in student ministry: you bait kids with things like bowling and then hit ‘em with Bible study. And I remember him reading this passage from Matthew 7, “Many will say to me…” And then he looked at us and said, “Boys, a bunch of y’all are going to be in that number.” And that was about all he said. I knew in my heart it was going to be me. I was super religious. Been in church all my life. And at my church, you had to go 3x a week for it to count: 3 to thrive! I always said that the only drug problem I had growing up was getting drug to church. So, I was plenty religious, but I had never repented and surrendered to Jesus as King. Here’s how you can know if you’ve substituted religion for repentance: A. Rationalization You rationalize your sin. That’s what Saul did. Look at all the good things I’ve done! You never think about your sin in terms of rebellion against God; only how you compare to others. I’m not having an affair, it’s just pornography. I may not be fully committed in my relationship with Jesus, but I’m a good person and go to church. B. Unchanged behavior Your mouth says that Jesus is King, but your life says something different. There are 2 ways to tell what you believe: what your mouth says and what your life says. If what your mouth says differs from what your life says, God accepts the testimony of your life. With Saul’s mouth he said God was King. But his life said that he was. Write this down: A repentance that does not change you in life won’t save you in death, either. Jesus’ half-brother, James talks about this when he says, “You say you believe in God? Good. Even the demons believe and tremble… They believe so much that they tremble at the thought of God.” But demon’s aren’t saved. Why? Because their belief doesn’t lead to repentance. It’s not what your mouth says that God takes as the indicator of what you believe. It’s what your life says. C. Worldly sorrow not godly sorrow Several times in his life, Saul wept over his sin. He did it there in 1 Samuel 28. A lot of people confuse worldly sorrow over repentance. Paul talks about it in 2 Corinthians 7:10. He says, “For godly sorrow produces a repentance that leads to salvation… whereas worldly sorrow produces death.” There are two types of sorrow over sin. There is worldly sorrow–worldly sorrow arises for all kinds of reasons. The embarrassment of being caught. Self-pity. Self-condemnation. Fear. None of those things equal repentance. Confessing your sin is not repentance. You may have just been trying to relieve your guilt or get something off your chest. Repentance is the Greek word “meta-noia”, which means a change of mind. To repent means you change your mind about the Kingship of Jesus and adjust your life around that new reality. No change, no Jesus. D. Partial compliance This is a big one. You start obeying God in one area but not all. Repentance is one of those things that has to be total or it is meaningless. Let’s say that there was a man who was an adulterer. He had multiple affairs, a different one on every day of the week. His wife confronts him and says, “OK… I’ll quit sleeping with Tuesday girl and Friday girl but Thursday girl and I are going to keep going for a while.” That’s not repentance. Marital faithfulness is one of those things that has to be total for it to be meaningful. A man can’t be “mostly faithful” to his wife. She’s either the only 1 or she’s not. The same thing is true of Lordship. You are either surrendered to him or you’re not. Or, as we say, he’s either Lord of all or not Lord at all. And I always want to be clear when I say this: I’m not talking about achieving sinless perfection. We all struggle with sin and lapses of faith for the rest of our lives. That happens to me. But Jesus is the King of my life, and standing here before you right now, there’s no area I am willfully holding back from him. Think of it like this: A man who gets married doesn’t suddenly become a perfect husband who loves his wife purely and completely at every moment. Every man struggles to be a loving husband. Sometimes you even have stray thoughts. But a man who is serious about his marriage is still, even in the midst of all that, a one-woman man. If you say you are married, and are still intentionally seeing other people on the side, your marriage is a sham. Saying you belong to Jesus even as you intentionally keep areas of your life back from him is a sham. Want to ask J.D. a question? Head to our Ask Me Anything hub to submit your question. As always, don’t forget to rate and review this podcast! Find Pastor J.D. on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

This week we wrap up our marriage and family series. Pastor J.D. jumps from talking about traditional marriage and family to answer a controversial family question. Show Notes: Two perspectives to this: 1. Is it biblically permissible? 2. Even if it isn’t, is this one of those ‘live and let live’ areas? Not everything Christians believe about morality do we believe should be put into laws others who don’t share our beliefs should live by. NOTE: Please listen to the full length episode for full context. Do not rely solely on these show notes as they do not paint the full picture of what Pastor J.D. is communicating. Part 1: Six biblical passages–every mention is negative, either prohibiting or condemning such behavior and all very clear. 1 Corinthians 6:9–11, for instance, refers to “men who have sex with men” as a vice that would prevent a person from entering the kingdom of God. The two Greek terms he used, malakoi and arsenokoitai, were the common terms of the day to refer to a broad range of homosexual relationships. Common objections:  “Jesus never spoke about homosexuality.” This is a claim that is true only in the most technical and unhelpful sense. No, Jesus never uttered the word “homosexual.” He also never mentioned (by name) rape, child abuse, fraud, or idolatry. But his stance on each of those issues is, nevertheless, quite clear. There are two ways that Jesus could have established what was right and wrong in regards to sexuality. He could have talked about every possible variation of the wrong, condemning each aberration one by one. Or he could put forward a vision for what is right. Think of it like this: if five women were standing side by side, and one of them was my wife, I could identify her in two ways: I could say that each of the other four were not my wife; or I could say, “That wonderful woman there…she’s my wife.” Jesus repeatedly affirmed the Mosaic understanding of the sanctity of sex within heterosexual marriage, and by doing that he disallowed all deviations. Furthermore, saying “Jesus never talked about it” pits the words of Jesus against the rest of the Scriptures. But Jesus himself said that all of the Scriptures were inspired, which means that the black letters in our Bible have as much divine authority as the red ones. “What Paul had in mind was not the same as homosexuality as we know it today.”  He was, they argue, thinking of male prostitution, rape, or pedophilia. Committed same-sex relationships didn’t exist in Paul’s day, so Paul’s words don’t apply. This is, simply put, not true. Historian Thomas Hubbard (not a Christian), wrote an exhaustive (and exhaustively long, nearly 600 pages) work on homosexuality in the ancient world, entitled Homosexuality in Greece and Rome. He demonstrates that homosexuality existed in a wide variety of forms, much like today. And that included committed, lifelong, same-sex partners. Had Paul wanted to distinguish between valid and invalid forms of homosexuality, he could have done so. Or consider Romans 1, in which Paul talks about humanity’s rejection of God’s authority. Because we rejected God’s authority, “God gave them [that is, us] up to dishonorable passions. For their women exchanged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature; and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another” (Romans 1:26–27). As Richard Hays says concerning this passage, Paul depicts gay and lesbian activity as an outward epitome of the inward posture of sin—rejection of the Creator’s design. Part 2: But can’t we believe that it is wrong and still allow marriage? Christians don’t think every wrong thing should be illegal. J Budizewski says, “The New Testament contains literally hundreds of precepts.” Unlike Islam, we don’t think the government should enforce the vast majority of them. “Christianity is not a legislative religion.” In Mosaic Law, Moses believed divorce was wrong but made an allowance for it. Should we apply that to gay marriage? No, marriage is such a building block.  Between genders; the place of pro-creation and the harmony of the genders in the home where love is demonstrated among differences.  A man and a man or a woman and a woman do not bring to the table what a man and a woman bring.  A man cannot be a mother and a woman cannot be a father, each brings something unique to the family that children miss out on when one of them is not present. Who is unnecessary? The Mother or Father? Homosexuality in the home also distorts a child’s understanding of his/her sexuality.  When this breaks down, or its centrality is compromised–whether through same-sex marriages or polygamy or whatever, society is weakened–the family breaks down, society breaks down Slippery slope: “Love is the basis of marriage. You can’t declare who someone can love.” Why exclusive? Permanent? Why only two persons?  Brother and sister? Man and two women? Multiple marriages? “I don’t want to go there!” You have to!  Important insight: Government doesn’t create marriage, it recognizes it as fundamental to the creation Our rights are that way. Our constitution acknowledges that rights are not created, but recognized. If the government creates the right, it can be taken away… MLK What about civil unions? We should acknowledge that marriage is not really what the homosexuals are after (by admission of some of their own top leaders). In Netherlands, where gay marriage has been accepted for a long time, upwards of 80% of kids born out of wedlock. Want to ask J.D. a question? Head to our Ask Me Anything hub to submit your question. As always, don’t forget to rate and review this podcast! Find Pastor J.D. on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

The presents may all be unwrapped, but how much is too much? It may be too late for this Christmas, but perhaps in the new year this is a question you’d like to wrestle with in your family. Show Notes: Christmas is about gifts, mostly the extravagant gift of Jesus.  Jesus calls us to follow him–how did he leverage his resources. Certainly, it’s wise to understand the times we are in, that we are in the richest country in the world, and that comes with responsibility. 1 Corinthians 10:31, “So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God” (ESV).  Our gift giving should glorify the gospel It’s lavish generosity: your gift ought to make me thank God for his generosity. When I see it cost you and you care about me. How we do it in our house:  Something you want, need, wear, read Biggest gift at Christmas goes to Jesus!  John Piper: Why do we give Christmas gifts? Gift giving is biblical God’s gifts to us: God gives us His Son (John 3:16) 2 Corinthians 9:15, “Thanks be to God for his inexpressible gift!” The very essence of Christmas includes a divine overflow of generosity, kindness, grace, giving–doing for us, giving to us, what we could never do for ourselves or get on our own. Our gifts to God: We have a responsibility to give to Christ.  It’s dangerous in one sense to speak of giving to Christ because our giving to Christ dare not be seen as a paying him back, as if the transaction were done because he needs to get our services.  Our giving to Christ is an overflow of affection and thankfulness for our forgiveness. Part of worship is finding ways to show how much we admire and reverence and trust and value Jesus. Our gifts to others: The giving of God to us and our joyful readiness to show affection in giving to him overflow in our giving to others.  Hebrews 13:16, “Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God.” 2 Corinthians 8:2, “In a severe test of affliction, their abundance of joy and their extreme poverty have overflowed.” The giving of God to us and our joyful readiness to show affection in giving to him overflow in our giving to others.  Hebrews 13:16, “Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God.” 2 Corinthians 8:2, “In a severe test of affliction, their abundance of joy and their extreme poverty have overflowed.” Our gift giving should lead others to: Rejoice in God as the great and first giver of the greatest gift. Seek the mindset that offers back to Christ the gift of trust, hope, admiration, joy, and affection. Seek the mindset that overflows with joy in giving to others. Want to ask J.D. a question? Head to our Ask Me Anything hub to submit your question. As always, don’t forget to rate and review this podcast! Find Pastor J.D. on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

This week, as we continue our marriage and family series, Pastor J.D. discusses how many kids Christians should consider having. Show Notes: Proverbs 24:27: Establish your work in the field, afterward build your house. Doesn’t mean you have to wait a long time or that you need to be rich. But you probably don’t want to be on the rocks.  In general, we are waiting too long to have kids and not having enough. Not high enough value on childbearing.  Genesis 1: Be fruitful and multiply. Many would-be-prophets are currently telling us: too many kids causes poverty, global warming. We are headed for an apocalypse because of too many people. Countries that have low birth rates are the one economically struggling so that argument doesn’t hold up. Psalm 127: no magic number. But what about taking time to get to know each other? I get it, honeymoon phase. But I got to know my wife so much better after we had kids; I didn’t get less of her when we had kids, I got more.  Have a parenting strategy:  Contrary to Beatles, love is not ALL you need.  Parenting catches you so off guard. Want to ask J.D. a question? Head to our Ask Me Anything hub to submit your question. As always, don’t forget to rate and review this podcast! Find Pastor J.D. on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

This week, as we continue our marriage and family series, Pastor J.D. gives us the second half of his 10 stages of grace-saturated, gospel-centered fighting. He’s joined by his wife, Veronica, for another episode. Show Notes: If you missed the first half of this episode, take a look now. 10 Stages in Grace-Saturated, Gospel-Centered Fighting: 6. Believe in God’s purpose for your marriage We knew that God had obviously appointed us to be together even though we felt like we married the wrong person sometimes, and that God had a plan for our difficulties and was making something beautiful out of them!  There is one factor that, if we could introduce it into your marriage, would do more to strengthen it than anything else, and that is hope.  And that hope comes from knowing that God has a plan for your marriage, even the difficult parts of it. He knew whom you were marrying, he knew the consternation they would cause you, and he’s got a plan to make something beautiful out of you and maybe your marriage in it.  Same thing is true for single people. God has a purpose for all things, even the difficult relationship.   7. Speak grace-saturated words If you are speaking words that build up, not tear down: For every one statement about what is wrong, there will be five describing what is right and that paint a vision of the beautiful person God is making them.  You’ll never demean with “you” statements. Calling names: Names make you feel good, quickest way to alienate an enemy… Say, “You did this,” not “You are this” You’ll avoid saying ‘never’ and ‘always.’ You’re always this way or that way. Don’t escalate it beyond the problem. “Never” and “always” basically tell the person that “you are this” and “you stink” rather than “you have done this” and “I expect more from you.”  You’ll avoid being sarcastic (Sarcasm usually functions like a knife. And it’s the quickest way to turn somebody off: Remember: smarty had a party and no one came). Avoid being condescending (to condescend means to talk down to). And women, avoid confronting your husband publicly:  There’s nothing that shuts a man down like having his wife tear him down to someone else.   8. Don’t give up until there is no longer a chance of reconciliation We know divorce is a larger topic, but to just touch on it quickly: we know that God hates it. So do some of you. In most cases, he sees it as adultery. There are exceptions:  Adultery; 1 Corinthians 7 Paul says if you have an unbelieving spouse who leaves you, if you wonder if you fit into that category, see us.  Abuse: We’ve covered this more at-length on Ask Me Anything, but of course you should never stay in an abusive situation and you should reach out and get some help immediately. But the point is that you should give grace a chance.  Before you give up on your marriage, give the power of grace a chance.    9. Truly forgive Remember: Forgiveness is a choice not to remember or bring up the offense any longer! Ken Sande: True forgiveness says:   I will not think about this incident. I will not bring it up again or use it against you. I will not talk to others about it. I will not allow it to stand between us or hinder our relationship You have to think of past flaws like they are ammunition already spent. Never get “historical” in an argument. “My wife gets mad and goes historical.” Forgiveness should never be conditional upon their repentance. “Well, I’d forgive them if they’d ask for it.” Don’t confuse forgiveness with reconciliation. Reconciliation takes two people: the person who sinned has to repent and you have to forgive.  But forgiveness only takes one person. You can forgive without reconciling. Don’t wait on the person to repent before you forgive.  The only alternative to forgiveness is bitterness, which is like trying to punish the other person by drinking poison yourself.   10. Remember what Jesus did for you The only way to do all of this is for the cross to grow LARGE in your life. That’s why some people lack the ability to do this – the cross is so small. If you do things as an act of service for your spouse, you will lose motivation. You have to do it for Jesus. Your spouse may not be worth it. Jesus always is.  Maybe you say, “Oh, Pastor J.D., I really wish my spouse were here to hear this but it’s just me…” What can I do? They won’t respond to any of this! Do it for Jesus. Maybe this is how you will demonstrate the glory of Christ to your neighbors: by serving Christ even when there is no pay-off in your marriage, simply because he’s worthy of it!   Want to ask J.D. a question? Head to our Ask Me Anything hub to submit your question. As always, don’t forget to rate and review this podcast! Find Pastor J.D. on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

This week, as we continue our marriage and family series, Pastor J.D. answers a question about marital conflict. He’s joined by his wife, Veronica, for another episode. Show Notes: Let me dispel a myth right from the beginning: good couples are not couples who never fight; good couples are couples who have learned to fight fairly; to fight Christianly. If you’re one of those starry-eyed engaged couples who feel like, “We never fight…” Veronica and I were like that, too. How blissful it is to be young! You just can’t get close to another sinner without there being conflict. 10 Stages in Grace-Saturated, Gospel-Centered Fighting: 1. Examine YOUR heart. Even if you’ve been wronged, what does your anger say about your heart?  Has malice, wrath, anger, and bitterness snuck in?  Mind the smoke detectors! Rage, malice, wrath, and bitterness always indicate idolatry, which is a bigger problem in your heart than whatever your spouse is doing to you. And this is why you need outside counsel in your life.  2. Overlook whatever you can.  You don’t have to comment on every little infraction. Choose your battles. Proverbs 19:11 It is to a man’s glory to overlook an offense.  Proverbs 12:16 The vexation of a fool is known at once, but the prudent ignores an insult. This would not apply to things that do lasting damage to your relationship with each other or them. Or any kind of abuse.  Sometimes, we don’t want to bring up their sin against us because we don’t want to disturb the peace.  Guys are especially bad at this. You just want to maintain the peace. A few times in our relationship (I’m being really transparent…) I’ve had to speak up. There are times you need to speak up and confront; and there are times just to let it go, and there’s a real art to knowing the difference.  3. Be practical in how you fight. Proverbs 12:18: “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” “Rash words.” Words not thought out, spoken in anger, or not given at a good time. Veronica and I have found it helpful to boundarize conflict within times, zones, and moods: For example, allowing an argument to begin if we are both physically tired. We have set certain rooms, certain times, off limits. We will invoke what I call the “24 hour rule.” “I promise to come back to this.”  Now, men, you have to keep your word, otherwise you lose credibility.  You say, “What about, ‘Don’t let sun go down on your wrath?’ Doesn’t that mean we have to deal with our anger before we go to bed?  It can’t mean literally before the sun goes down because that would mean some people in Sweden could nurse their grievances for three months in the summer but in the winter they’d only have about two hours…  The main point of that verse is that we need to deal with our wrath and vengeance and get it out of our hearts. Sometimes 24 hrs helps us to separate unrighteous, selfish irritation from righteous, loving, others-centered anger. 4. Be quick to listen and slow to speak. Proverbs 18:13: “He who gives an answer before he hears, it is a folly and a shame.” This is exactly what some of you do, especially you men.  Brad Hambrick, our pastoral counselor: “The vast majority of communication problems are not expression problems, but listening problems.” Let me offer you some remedial help on listening (and I need these two, because I am so bad at these things): First of all, be a servant listener: Seek first to understand, and only secondly to be understood! Think of their thoughts through the lens of Philippians 2: Consider their thoughts and needs “more important” than your own. Isn’t that the opposite of the way we come into most discussions? OK, next, if you believe that…  Don’t interrupt. Interrupting says ‘my thoughts are more important than your thoughts.’  If you don’t know what to say, ask questions. If you still don’t know what to say, ask more questions. If you still don’t know what to say after that, just repeat what the other person said back to them. Because that at least lets them know you’ve heard them! Sometimes that is just what they want, and a lot of time, it takes care of 90% of the issue!  Part of this: Don’t give premature advice. Because, one, you will probably misread the situation.  Secondly (men especially): she is not a problem to be solved; she’s a person to be heard. A lot of times she’s looking for a companion in her pain, not a solution to her problem. So don’t interrupt her and explain away her pain with Aristotilean logic: A=b, b=c, ergo a=c… ergo it’s really illogical that you feel hurt.  When you do that, I can promise you she won’t go, “Huh. Thank you. I’m so stupid sometimes. I could have sworn I was offended, but now I see, by clear force of your logic, that I am not really hurt after all! I’m so glad you’re my husband.”  The majority of communication problems are not expression problems, but listening problems.  “Listening is a skill that is most necessary when it is most difficult.” Much more to say on that, but if you want more, attend one of Brad Hambrick’s marriage seminars or access a lot of his stuff on his website.  5. Seek their sanctification, not your vindication. Sometimes you are going to have to say, “I’m right in this and I could win it, but that doesn’t progress us toward the goal. I’m going to keep my eyes on the bigger prize and just lose this one. My goal is their sanctification, not my vindication. Once you let go the idea that you have to win and be vindicated, you can focus on what helps them and the relationship.  That’s how Jesus was.  More to come on the next episode! Want to ask J.D. a question? Head to our Ask Me Anything hub to submit your question. As always, don’t forget to rate and review this podcast! Find Pastor J.D. on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

This week, as we continue our marriage and family series, Pastor J.D. answers another question about how to parent teenagers. This time he’s joined by his wife, Veronica. Show Notes: A wandering child does not mean failure: God played the parent role for two humans and they both rebelled. Cain and Abel were parented exactly the same. One became a man of God, the other a murderer. Key resource: Feeding the Mouth that Bites You, by Ken Wilgus, Ph.D. and the Feeding the Mouth that Bites You podcast. When a kid is in rebellion, you can’t be prophet and dad at the same time. Think more like a farmer than a mechanic. Worst thing to do is dig up seed! You give rain and sun. In the analogy, rain and sun are the quality of the relationship not quantity of devotion. Wait on God: All the defining moments in my life came from somewhere else. Psalm 136: Israel’s history with “steadfast love of Lord endures forever.” I did this an exercise with our staff team. We wrote out key moments where the Lord worked in our lives, and I had this realization: my mom and dad wrote none of the key moments in my life. Psalm 127 Psalm 37:39-40 The role of prayer: Abraham prays for Lot and angels grab his hand. Man lowered through roof: their faith. your faith subs for the man in the stretcher. Want to ask J.D. a question? Head to our Ask Me Anything hub to submit your question. As always, don’t forget to rate and review this podcast! Find Pastor J.D. on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.