Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

If you missed part one, you can check it out here ERP 142, where I give practical explanations and examples of mindfulness. In episode ERP 143, I talked about important research that is showing higher levels of mindfulness contributes to happier, more satisfying relationships. In this episode, I also give you the first 3 ways that mindfulness benefits you and your relationship. 1. More Attentive 2. Able to respond Rather Than React. 3. More Emotionally Regulated (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) 7 WAYS MINDFULNESS BENEFITS YOU AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP. 4. Increased Self-Awareness As we develop skill in mindfulness, the anterior cingulate cortex in our brain changes. This area is associated with impulse control, attention, emotion, as well with our sense of self. Mindfulness helps us control the impulse to act out in destructive and manipulative ways, as well as redirect our attention towards our higher intentions, goals, and values. With more self-awareness, we can observe our emotions and behaviors and recognize when we are going down a path of doing and saying things from a hurt place. With self-awareness, we can recalibrate when we have gotten off track. 5. Clearer Communication "Communication issues" are a frequent complaint couples have when seeking help. Most often it is not about needing better communication, but it is about developing the awareness and understanding of what is going on underneath that is important. Typically, we will attack, blame, turn away or protest in the hopes that our partner will recognize our hurt and offer reassurance, love, and support. But often this does not work. However, if we have clear insight into our vulnerability and pain, we are in a much better position to communicate clearly with our partner. In this case, they are much more likely to be able to understand, empathize and want to help. How Mindfulness Techniques Can Help Your Relationship, By Erica Turner "One of the biggest benefits of mindfulness is its ability to help us slow down intense emotional processes. Often, when we are upset or disappointed or frustrated with our partner, our brain is in hyperdrive. We are on high alert in trying to get our needs met and express ourselves. Unfortunately, this high anxiety status can impede us from being able to clearly tell our partners what we're looking for from them. Approaching your partner mindfully can help you slow down so that you can have a more productive conversation." With mindfulness, we can develop the ability to be more clear and direct with our communication. We can be more tactful and kind, as we assist our partner in meeting us. 6. More Empathy With mindfulness, the insula, the part of the brain that is associated with empathy and compassion changes. As we develop mindfulness, we have more capacity to understand our partner's perspective. We can identify with their emotion and feel empathy, compassion, and the desire to help. This is a major turning point in any difficult conversation, as this is where connection can occur and possibilities start to open up. The more we practice, the more care and empathy we can bring to a difficult conversation. When our partner feels our care and consideration, they are more likely to open up and engage in a productive way. With a climate of more compassion and warmth, partners feel more love, support, and intimacy, which strengthens their bond and connection. 7. More Acceptance In the series about pain, I talked about how life involves some degree of pain. When we worry about the pain, try to avoid the pain, or try to make it different, we create a lot of suffering. Often times, when couples seek help, they have been in pain for a long period of time. Unfortunately, it is actually the way they have tried to avoid the pain that has created much more damage, problems and suffering than the initial pain itself. Mindfulness increases our ability to be present with what is. As we become more mindful, we achieve a greater sense of inner peace. HOW TO PRACTICE MINDFULNESS Here are some links to some great mindfulness resources and exercises to get you started: 22 Mindfulness Exercises, Techniques & Activities For Adults (Article) 6 Mindfulness Exercises You Can Try Today (Article) How Mindfulness Techniques Can Help Your Relationship, By Erica Turner (Article) Guided Mindfulness Meditation Series 1: A Complete Guided Mindfulness Meditation Program from Jon Kabat-Zinn (Audio) Guided Mindfulness Meditation Series 2 (Audio) Guided Mindfulness Meditation Series 3 by Kabat-Zinn, Jon (2012) Audio CD (Audio) MENTIONED: ERP 143: How to Increase Relationship Satisfaction with Mindfulness – Part Two (podcast) ERP 142: How to Increase Relationship Satisfaction with Mindfulness (podcast) ERP 140: How Pain and Suffering Increase & What to Do about It (podcast) ERP 141: How To Decrease Relationship Pain and Suffering (podcast) The Value in Pain and the Pain in Value, by Lode Dewulf (TED Talk) Photo by Jared Rice on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or doing relationship coaching work with me.

If you missed part one, you can check it out here ERP 142, where I give you explanations and examples of mindfulness and how you may already be practicing mindfulness in your life. With a better understanding of mindfulness in general, let's talk about how mindfulness benefits our relationship. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) HOW MINDFULNESS BENEFITS RELATIONSHIPS. Research is beginning to show us that higher levels of mindfulness contribute to happier, more satisfying relationships. Generally, mindfulness helps us: Keeps Things Fresh: You are less likely to take each other for granted or be caught up in your stories and expectations. You are more likely to recognize the growth and newness in your partner. You are more likely to appreciate and value your partner because you are more in the moment and paying quality attention to them. Soothes Fears and Anxieties: While being in relationship provides love and connection, it can also stimulate anxieties and insecurities. Fears of being hurt will make us more reactive and protective. Unfortunately, these reactive and protective strategies push our partner away, and lead to more pain, conflict, and disconnect. Mindfulness is a valuable tool for dealing with our fears and reactions. Learning to deal with our insecurities is probably one of the most important skills in keeping a relationship healthy and happy. 7 WAYS MINDFULNESS BENEFITS YOU AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP. 1. More Attentive With mindfulness practice, we strengthen the area in our brains associated with attention and focus. When practicing mindfulness, we can recognize when we have spaced out, started thinking about something else and come back to our partner. For partner's whose primary love language is "quality time," attention and focus are the ultimate ways of feeling loved and cared about. When a partner is distracted and preoccupied, they may feel as though "You don't really care. You don't really love me." Regardless of your partner's primary love language, being present and engaged helps create a safe space for your partner to share and express more fully, which it turn cultivates a deeper sense of understanding, intimacy, and connection. 2. Able to respond Rather Than React. When practicing mindfulness, we develop our capacity for increased emotional regulation. In previous podcast episodes, I have talked about how easily our "fight, flight, or freeze" mode can get activated when we feel threatened. When we are in a triggered place, it is very difficult if not impossible to respond in a level and skillful way. Research shows that with mindfulness, we are able to decrease the volume of the amygdala. The switch to our "flight, flight or freeze" response is not as easily flipped. The amygdala has less power to hijack us. Being able to respond rather than react helps partners slow down, take pause and assess the situation before jumping to conclusions. Once we have calmed down, we can communicate more clearly and from the heart, rather than reacting and getting into negative cycles or destructive behavior. 3. More Emotionally Regulated Mindfulness strengthens the prefrontal cortex and improves the connectivity between the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala. The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain that is responsible for higher level thinking, perceiving other's emotions, decision-making, moderating our behavior and regulating our own emotional expression. These are all critical brain functions to being able to relate to someone else effectively. One of the primary goals of keeping yourself regulated (calm and collected) is to stay in the prefrontal cortex. As soon as your amygdala is firing away, you are in protection mode. How Mindfulness Can Save Your Relationship By Lisa Firestone "A typical conversation between a couple may involve one partner remarking, "You used to be up for anything. You were so lively when we met." This may spark a defensive response in the other partner: "What? You're saying I'm not spontaneous anymore? You think I'm boring? What about you? You never get off the couch!" This type of angry and accusatory response tends to have a snowball effect. "I never said you were boring, and now you're calling me lazy? I work day and night to make you happy. You're so ungrateful." By Lisa Firestone Without mindfulness, one is likely to have a short fuse and respond in defended demeanor (i.e. "What is wrong with you?"). With mindfulness, one is likely to recognize something is going on and be more sensitive. (i.e. "Honey, I see you. Do you want to talk about it?") Imagine a scenario where your partner has done or said something that you find alarming or challenging. You feel triggered. You feel your emotions rising to the surface. You are at a choice point. You can react or take a few moments to notice your thoughts and emotions. As you stay present to noticing your experience (without getting caught up in your story or emotional reaction), you may begin to gain some perspective and emotional balance. Then, you can address the situation from a more regulated way rather than just reacting in a defensive and protective manner. Stay tuned for the next episode for the next four Ways Mindfulness Can Benefit You and Your Relationship. MENTIONED: ERP 142: How to Increase Relationship Satisfaction with Mindfulness (podcast) ERP 140: How Pain and Suffering Increase & What to Do about It (podcast) ERP 141: How To Decrease Relationship Pain and Suffering (podcast) The Value in Pain and the Pain in Value, by Lode Dewulf (TED Talk) Journal of Human Sciences and Extension (journal article) Mindfulness with Jon Kabat-Zinn (video) Meditation Is Not What You Think: Mindfulness and Why It Is So Important (book) Photo by Bruno Aguirre on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or doing relationship coaching work with me.

The demands of modern life keep us busy and pulled in many directions. It is easy to get swept away with schedules and tasks. We hope to be more productive and accomplish more. However, we sometimes expect too much of ourselves and our relationships. To make matters worse, we often fall into the trap of thinking our relationships are self-sustaining. We believe that a good relationship just works and is easy. However, like with most things, relationships do not grow and flourish with little care and attention. Additionally, when we are presented with a difficultly or challenge, we often try to avoid the pain. Yet, there can be tremendous value in learning to turn towards the pain and be with it. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) In this episode, I am going to give you a little more description of mindfulness. Description of mindfulness: "Mindfulness is a mental state, which is achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while very calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations." by Lode Dewulf Without focus, we are prone to going into autopilot, negative habitual thinking, distraction, and preoccupation. Mindfulness involves redirecting your focus and attention over and over again. At first, it will feel impossible. Jon Kabat Zinn calls it the monkey mind (see below). The goal with mindfulness is to train your mind. Jon Kabat-Zinn says mindfulness is about paying attention to the present moment on purpose and without judgment. Mindfulness helps you experience your life more fully as it is happening, in each moment. You become more present, engaged and connected to what is happening. Mindfulness is a skill we can acquire. Mindfulness is always available Mindfulness is a way to calm ourselves down when distressed. Mindfulness increases our awareness of what we are experiencing and the space to decide how we want to act in any given situation. In the next episode, I will share How To Increase Relationship Satisfaction with Mindfulness. Stay tuned MENTIONED: ERP 140: How Pain and Suffering Increase & What to Do about It (podcast) ERP 141: How To Decrease Relationship Pain and Suffering (podcast) The Value in Pain and the Pain in Value, by Lode Dewulf (TED Talk) Mindfulness with Jon Kabat-Zinn (video) Meditation Is Not What You Think: Mindfulness and Why It Is So Important (book)

"THE VALUE IN PAIN AND THE PAIN IN VALUE" In last weeks episode, I talked about Lode Dewulf's Ted Talk The Value in Pain and the Pain in Value, and how this relates to relationship pain. I highly recommend watching the video. He does a great job of describing how we compound the amount of pain we experience, by adding more layers of pain. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) In life, we area all faced with pain. Most of us work really hard at avoiding the pain. Yet, when we do not meet the pain directly, we create more suffering for ourselves. Avoiding, resisting and fighting all create additional pain and suffering. Mindfulness helps regulate the nervous system, so that we can get calm and clear headed. "Mindfulness is a mental state, which is achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while very calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations." by Lode Dewulf THE LEARNING PROCESS The learning process involves four stages. To go to the next stage will involve a little bit of pain. 1. Unaware & Incompetent Insight 2. Aware & Incompetent Training 3. Aware & Competent Practice 4. Unaware & Competent ACCESS YOUR FREE RELATIONSHIP MAP. "Let us stop this obsession to avoid pain. And let us stop the illusion that life, learning, and happiness can ever be without pain. Because that awareness is the first step towards healing out of pain. " By Lode Dewulf MENTIONED: Relationship Map (1 page graphic opt-in) ERP 140: How Pain and Suffering Increase & What to Do about It (podcast) The Value in Pain and the Pain in Value, by Lode Dewulf (TED Talk) What Does The Development Of Intimacy Look Like In Relationship? (article)

"THE VALUE IN PAIN AND THE PAIN IN VALUE" Last year, I can across this Ted Talk, The Value in Pain and the Pain in Value, by Lode Dewulf I highly recommend watching the video. He does a great job of describing how we compound the amount of pain we experience, by adding more layers of pain. Lode's teaching apply to all types of pain, physical, mental, emotional, etc. Today, I we're going to focus on relationship pain. Why is it…"Our best way and often only way of dealing with pain seems to be avoidance. Pain is that big elephant that lives in most rooms of our life and that we prefer to ignore or suppress. No wonder then that the business of pain suppression is big business. In 2015 alone, over 300 million prescriptions for painkillers were written in the world for a total cost of 24 billion US dollars. Making painkillers the second most prescribed class of medicines after anticancer drugs. Strikingly, 95% of that consumption is in the United States and Europe with US taking the vast majority." by Lode Dewulf (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) RELATIONSHIP PAIN When it comes to relationship pain, we often get confused. On one hand, we fantasize about the idyllic beginnings of relationship comparing the current experience to the "way things used to be." When we enter into the power struggle stage, we often are disillusioned by the relationship challenges. Thinking, "I didn't sign up for this." On the other hand, we know relationships take a level of investment and attention. We understand that keeping a relationship healthy requires effort. Sometimes the effort will require us to heal and grow, which can feel painful. How much pain is too much? For me the question is more about how are we dealing with our pain? Are we directly meeting our pain or are we denying, deflecting, avoiding, projecting suppressing in ineffective, dysfunctional, and harmful ways? Access your free Relationship Map. Client example: (please listen to the episode for full description) Like – Past/Loss: He might say, "I miss the days where she adored me and was loving toward me." She might say. "I miss feeling him with me and our connection." Like – Future/Desire: He might say, "I wish she would treat me with more consideration and respect." She might say, "I wish he would engage with me and let me in." Dislike – Past/Anger: Blame: He might say, "She is such a villian. I can't believe I put up with this!" She might say, "He is so passive. How are we to have a relationship, if he doesn't show up!" Guilt: He might say, "I don't know how to give her what she wants. Maybe I am not good enough." She might say, "Why did I choose a guy like this? Why didn't I see the signs?" Dislike – Future/Fear: He might say, "Is this how it is going to be. I don't know how to live with someone who is constantly berating or belittling me. I may never be truly happy." She might say, "I have tried everything to get him to engage. Maybe he doesn't really care about me and will leave me. I may never have real love." TURNING TOWARDS PAIN If you have listened to my previous podcasts, I talk about turning towards your pain, so that you can see what is going on. Once you have more clarity, then you can share with your partner more vulnerability. When your partner can see you and your hurt, they are likely to soften. This begins to create safety, allowing more openness and connection. Conversely, when we don't turn towards our pain. We will consciously or often unconsciously, work really hard to protect ourselves. We all have really good strategies to shut down, ignore, divert, protest, go intellectual, criticize, and blame…all of which are ways to attempt avoiding the pain. However, what ends up happening is we complicate the dynamic and create more pain and suffering. If you blame and attack your partner, they are likely to get defensive. If you shut down, your partner is likely going to want to seek you out. In next weeks episode, I'll share more about how my clients experienced a dramatic transformation in their connection. I will also be referencing another teaching tool from Lode Dewulf's TED Talk, so that you have a better understanding of how to deal with pain in a more constructive manner. MENTIONED: Relationship Map(1 page graphic opt-in) The Value in Pain and the Pain in Value, by Lode Dewulf (TED Talk) What Does The Development Of Intimacy Look Like In Relationship?(article) What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity, By Karin Jones(article) Photo by Josh Nuttall on Unsplash Photo by Lauren Kayon Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LISTENER'S QUESTION "I love your podcast! Thank you so much for all your advice. I have been dating a guy ten years my age for just over a year. The first 5 months of our relationship I was emotionally cheating with my ex. When it became open I cut off communication and worked very hard to gain back trust. It's been eight months on a rollercoaster of emotions trying to earn back trust. I did everything I thought to do to fix my mistakes and it seemed futile. It came to the point where I told myself I was "done" if he aggressively accused me and belittled me one more time. It happened of course and that was a turning point for me. I have lost interest in trying. Now my boyfriend decided he doesn't want to lose me and wants to work on things and even offered to pay for counselling… but I can't get my ex (whom I cheated on with) out of my head. I haven't contacted him since I don't want things to be messier than they are but I don't know what to do. Is my obsession with my ex is real or fake. Should I stay and fix this since my boyfriend wants to work on things or should I move on or contact my ex?" (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) POINTS DISCUSSED It is nearly impossible to create a thriving, intimate, safe, conscious connection, when there is a lot of withholding. "Withdrawal and projection are the natural outcomes of withholding. When you withhold, you keep inside yourself things that should be expressed. The very act of hiding these things takes you one step back from the relationship. A result of this withdrawal is that you will begin to project. In other words, you begin to attribute to other people things that are actually issues of your own. Withdrawal follows withholding so swiftly that often we do not notice the sense of distance at first." By Gay Hendricks & Kathlyn Hendricks (Conscious Loving, page 48) It is difficult to assess the quality of the connection (because you haven't been fully present). You can only speculate what things would be like if you were really "in" the relationship. Withholding leads to perceiving things inaccurately because we are not actually connecting with the other person, we are making up a story about it true for them and this leads to gross misunderstandings and disconnect. More importantly, it does not give room for the other person to really see you, meet you, and be with you AND this is what creates intimacy and connection. This is a vicious cycle. The more you withhold, the more your partner senses something is off. Your partner has a choice in how he deals with the threatening feelings. Unfortunately, many people do not feel safe or have the skill to say "I am scared you are not really in this with me." Instead, people will react out of fear and disconnect. This is where destructive behaviors happen. This is where the downward spiral ensues. Both partners turn away from each other, losing trust in one another and the relationship. RECOMMENDATIONS: Set limits about what type of behavior you are willing to engage with. If he starts belittling you, then I would remove yourself from the situation. It will be important to discuss this ahead of time. Let him know you care about his experience. If he has concern, issue, or feelings about something, you are available to listen and be with him. But you are not willing to be the target. Talking about it ahead of time will help him understand that you are not rejecting him in the moment, rather you are trying to create safety by removing yourself from a negative interaction. Turn inward to reflect on some of your deeper motivations. What does your ex represent for you? What associations do you have with him? What are you missing in your current relationship? Want are you longing for? What does fantasizing about your ex do for you? Is it a form of escape? For example, you are not wanting to face the pain and difficulty within your relationship. What stops you from being completely honest and transparent? Are you afraid of his reaction? Are you afraid of hurting him? Do you feel scared of conflict? Do you not feel safe? Do you not want to lose your partner? Many times people get preoccupied with questions like "Is this the right person for me? Is this the right relationship? Should I stay or should I go?" These are very difficult questions to answer. Instead, I would like to encourage questions like "How can we invest in a positive, constructive dynamic together? How can we build a safe connection? How can we build trust?" You already know the dynamic isn't working. Focus on repairing the interactions and this will give you a better opportunity of saving your relationship. I would highly recommend getting support to work through the areas that have been keeping you stuck, as well as to build a constructive path forward. At the very least, you will learn a lot about yourself. MENTIONED: Nine Destructive Behaviors to Avoid During Relationship Conflict(article) ERP 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship(podcast) ERP 057: How To Avoid Enabling Your Partner's Destructive Behavior(podcast) ERP 109: How Being Gentle With Your Partner Can Make A Big Difference(podcast) ERP 106: What To Do When You Are Attracted To Someone Else(podcast) ERP 024: The Most Important Ingredient To Shifting Conflicts(podcast) ERP 025: Be The Best You Can Be In Relationship(podcast) ERP 014: How To Stop The Drama In Relationship(podcast) ERP 124: How To Improve The Climate Of Your Relationship(podcast) ERP 138: The most critical ingredient for relationship success with Harville Hendrix & Helen Hunt(podcast) ERP 123: Forgive For Love With Dr. Fred Luskin(podcast) Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment(book) Photo by Shoaib SR on Unsplash Photo by Aditya Saxena on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 139: How Hiding And Withholding Damage Your Relationship [TRANSCRIPT] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Dr. Hendrix is a couple's therapist with over 40 years experience as an educator, clinical trainer and lecturer whose work has been on Oprah 18 times. In addition to Dr. Hunt's partnership with her husband in the co-creation of Imago, she is sole author of Faith and Feminism. She was installed in the Women's Hall of Fame for her leadership in the global women's movement. Helen and Harville have been married for over 30 years, have six children, and reside in Dallas, Texas. LISTEN TO THE EPISODE TO LEARN ABOUT: Why we fall in love and what happens in the partnering process. What drives us and compels us towards particular people. What is going on in the brain when we partner in a love relationship. How childhood experiences impact our relational needs. "Your unconscious mind is experiencing and connecting with a person in adulthood who is similar to the caretakers you had in childhood, and that activates the hope and possibility that you will get those needs met." • How couples can shift their relationship dynamics. • When there is conflict how to understand what unconscious patterns might be involved, and a valuable tool to help identify and assist in shifting these unconscious patterns."The formula embedded in your frustration with your partner is a wish in disguise, in that it is an unexpressed desire." • How to engage in a dialogue process with your partner to increase understanding, empathy, and connection. • What the term Zero Negativity means. • Why negativity is one of the worst things you can do in relationship."The primary commitment is to reconnect as quickly as possible so our brains don't become habituated to a disconnected state." • Important advice about what is most important to making relationships successful. MENTIONED: • The Space Between: The Point of Connection (book) • Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, 20th Anniversary Edition (book) • Making Marriage Simple: Ten Relationship-Saving Truths (book) • Harville & Helen (website) • Relationships First (website) • The Gottman Institute (website) • Dr. Sue Johnson (website) • Dr. Dan Siegel (website) • Dr. Stephen Porges (website) TRANSCRIPT:Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 138: The Most Critical Ingredient For Relationship Success, With Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt [TRANSCRIPT] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or doing relationship coaching work with me.

GUEST: KATE MOYLE Kate Moyle is an Accredited Psychosexual & Relationship Therapist and In House Expert and Partner at Pillow App for Couples. Pillow helps busy couples to fit intimacy into their lives in a convenient and connecting way, by providing audio-guided intimacy episodes that focus on sensual touch, communication, eye-contact and other basic forms of intimacy.. Kate is passionate about having open, honest and realistic conversations about sex, relationships and intimacy in order to help those she works with and the thousands that have downloaded Pillow get closer to achieving the relationships that they want. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) LISTEN TO THE EPISODE TO LEARN ABOUT: What a psychosexual therapist is and what they do. How to define or redefine sex and intimacy. How we typically measure the health of our sex lives. Learn how to communicate about sex with your partner when you have different needs or desires. How to deal with your expectations and assumptions about sex. What to do when you feel pressure to perform. How to gain confidence and be comfortable with the role of sex in our lives. How to build intimacy and connection in relationship. MENTIONED: Pillow (website) Kate Moyle (website) Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence (Amazon link) Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 137: How To Make Space For Sex In Your Relationship [TRANSCRIPT] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

If you missed part one, please check out ERP 135, where I give you a greater understanding of what is happening during the grieving process. I talk about what to look out for if you are experiencing loss in your life, as well as what you might expect with the stages of grief. In this episode, I give you 6 tips on how to cope and heal when dealing with loss in your life and relationship. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) 6 TIPS ON HOW TO COPE WITH GRIEF & LOSS These tips can be used and combined in various ways. They not intended to be used in any particular order. T.R.I.B.E.S. T. Take Action. Somatic psychology research helps us understand the importance of using our bodies to shift the emotional charge and intensity of a loss. R. Ritual. Homemade rituals can be powerful ways to bring our healing and intentions into focus. I. Impeccable self-care. As mentioned in ERP 135, when grieving, our whole system (physically, emotionally, psychologically) is trying to cope with the loss. Giving yourself the extra support and care will help you recover more efficiently and effectively. B. Be Present With Love. At some point, we have to choose, whether or not we are going to deny it, fight it, or attempt to control it, or are we going to accept the loss. Accepting often feels like a sense of surrender. When we are present and open, we are more available to the presence of love all around us. "Sometimes it feels as though we are broken open to find that we are whole." E. Express Yourself. You have to "Feel it to heal it." When we attend to our emotional process, we have a greater opportunity to heal and grow. You have to "Name it to tame it." S. Seek Support. While being around friends and family may be difficult, meaningful connection can offer feelings of connection, warmth, and positivity. As a reminder grief looks different for each person, be gentle with yourself and do your best to work with your healing process. If you need extra support, consider reaching out to a therapist or coach. MENTIONED: ERP 135: How to handle Grief and loss in relationship – Part One (podcast) ERP 036: How To Offer The Gift Of Listening (podcast) ERP 112: What Makes Being Vulnerable So Hard? (podcast) Santa Barbara Bucket Brigade 2018 (Volunteer page) Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma (book) Ram Dass: Fierce Grace (dvd) Coping With Grief & Loss, by HelpGuide.org (article) Empowered Relationship FB Page TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Grief is a universal emotion, and loss is an experience we can all relate to…whether we have been faced with a tragedy beyond our control, like a natural disaster, or whether we are contemplating a relationship separation or divorce. Even the act of addressing long-standing issues in relationship, can bring up feelings of anticipatory grief. This is especially true when confronting significant issues or issues that haven't been dealt with for a long while. Once we are questioning the relationship, we are contemplating the possible loss. Grief is a natural response to loss and can evoke intense emotional pain. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) EMOTIONAL LITERACY & GRIEF Processing grief is a difficult task in and of itself and is made even more difficult when we have little experience paying attention to our emotional world. When we are not accustomed to meeting our feelings, we do not have emotional literacy. Emotional literacy refers to the ability to understand, express, and manage our feelings. In Dr. Jennifer Ballarini's post, "The Police Officer's Paradox," she quotes Lt. Al Benner with the San Francisco Police. "To function effectively in our job, you must annihilate, smother, and suppress normal emotions like fear, anger, revulsion, and even compassion. To do so otherwise is to invite overwhelming doubt or hesitancy when decisive action is required. The penalty for your achieved competence is a mindset that might as well be a foreign language to your social contemporaries. We are…victims of our own success. When these same normal and appropriate emotions…surface in personal relationships, we automatically shut down and wonder why, over time, that the people we care about the most complain that we are aloof, cold, and uncommunicative." — Lt. Al Benner, San Francisco Police People in other professions like surgeons, doctors, nurses, first responders, firefighters, etc. are also required to set aside their emotions, so that they can focus on their job to protect, save, and heal. Our upbringings can also influence our emotional literacy. If we grew up in an environment that did not welcome, allow, or value emotions, then we are likely to have negative beliefs about emotions. For example, emotions are: irrational purposeless valueless not to be trusted dangerous unsafe unknown mysterious. When we do not have experience giving our emotions value, we tend to feel overwhelmed when confronted with intense emotional pain. We have a hard time being with present with our feelings. We don't know what to do. WHAT GRIEF FEELS LIKE: Grief will look different for each person. There is no right way to grieve and there is no exact time frame for the process. The feelings of grief often come in waves. You may feel fine one moment and then the next moment, you may feel unbearable pain. Your body is working overtime to recover and heal. You will likely undergo an emotional, physical, psychological response to the loss. You may experience a range of feelings: Shock Numbness Sadness Guilt Anger Fear Irritability You may experience physical symptoms such as: No appetite or nausea Sleep disturbances Difficulty thinking or making decisions Fatigue Anxiety Stressed Mental focus and memory difficulties. You may be struggling with questions like: Who am I now? What is really important now? You may feel a sense of shattering of your: Identity Goals Dreams Desires Expectations. WHAT TO BE AWARE OF WITH GRIEF: Grief will trigger feelings of previous loss grief and loss. Pay special attention to when you are activated (or triggered) and what feelings are coming up for you, especially if you have experienced trauma in the past. I highly encourage seeking additional support in this event. Grief is different than depression. If you notice that you are having negative thoughts or negative behaviors towards yourself, please consider getting support and guidance to handle your loss. A depressive state can greatly complicate the grieving and healing process. FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF 1. Shock or Denial. "This can't be happening. I don't know how to process this. This is too much to deal with. I can't do this right now." 2. Anger. "This is messed up. I am so mad at you. Why did you do this to me? You ruined my life. I wasted so much time with you." 3. Bargaining. "What if we tried this or tried that? What if I was different in this way? What if I did this for you?" 4. Acceptance. "She is leaving me. I don't want to be in relationship anymore. I am sad, but it is what it is." 5. Moving on. "I am going to focus on improving myself. I am going to make a list of all the things I want to do. I want to meet new people." Be patient with your grieving process. Stay tuned for part two for tips in how to deal and cope with grief and loss. To take your relationship development to the next level, check out the Connected Couple program. MENTIONED: ERP 112: What Makes Being Vulnerable So Hard? (podcast) ERP 080: Finding Family: Part Two (podcast) The Police Officer's Paradox, by Dr. Jennifer Ballarini (article) Coping With Grief & Loss, by HelpGuide.org (article) Empowered Relationship FB Page Photo by Ben White on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.