Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

TOPIC: HOW TO DEAL WITH A LOVED ONE WITH CHRONIC PAIN GUEST: JACKIE BLACK, PH.D., BCC Dr. Jackie Black is a marriage expert, educator and Board Certified Coach, serving Couples Facing Life-Threatening and Chronic Illness, and Chronic Pain. Dr. Jackie Black is the creator of the 7-Week, Online Program, Couples Daring to Live Well (with illness) Program™, and the 3-Day Private Destination Retreat, Couples Daring to Live Well (with illness) Retreat™. She also serves private clients, and is an author, speaker and frequent guest expert on summits, podcasts and radio throughout the world. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) LISTEN TO THE EPISODE TO LEARN ABOUT: "Surprising numbers of people are living with chronic pain and chronic illness. Yet, we don't talk about it and people don't know." by Dr. Jackie Black How chronic illness and pain affects everybody. How when a couple is dealing with chronic illness and pain, the relationship takes a huge hit. There are often supports for the person and their loved one, but no one focuses on the relationship. "A diagnosis is a shock. No one is ever prepared." by Dr. Jackie Black. How people react to crisis in different ways. Partners have different experiences of the same circumstance. Partners have different needs and priorities, and sometime their needs are competing. How people are often afraid, overwhelmed, and are not talking to each other. How a couple's EQ (emotional intelligence) is being tested. Couples often do not have effective tools for how to deal with all the emotions involved. Old coping mechanisms and defensive processes stop working. "Being happily married for decades doesn't protect you from the inevitable challenges you face being a couple living with illness or chronic pain." by Dr. Jackie Black. The two powerful myths that couples are faced with when dealing with chronic illness and pain. The myth busting techniques to help partner's strengthen their connection. The top 4 reasons people can get caught in common traps when dealing with chronic illness and pain. "Relational space is sacred space." by Dr. Jackie Black. How weak or non-existent agreements and commitments negatively impact a couple with illness, and the importance of bilateral agreements. The importance of understanding partner's needs and values. How to increase self-knowledge and why is it so beneficial to the relationship. MENTIONED: Dr. Jackie Black (website) TRANSCRIPT: ERP 154: HOW TO GET RELATIONAL SUPPORT WHEN DEALING WITH ILLNESS & CHRONIC PAIN WITH DR. JACKIE BLACK [TRANSCRIPT] Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 154: How to Get Relational Support When Dealing with Illness & Chronic Pain with Dr. Jackie Black If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Learning how to deal with a loved one with chronic pain takes emotional support and deep understanding to help couples build a strong bond and love for each other. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

TOPIC: STEPS TO REBUILDING TRUST IN A RELATIONSHIP LISTENER'S QUESTION "Thank you for the work you do on your podcast, it has helped me greatly in a hard relationship time. My fiancé and I were supposed to get married on June 28th. Three weeks before the wedding he met me at the courthouse to get our marriage certificate and told me that he couldn't go through with it. This came as a complete shock as our relationship had been healthy, with some minor disagreements during the planning phase of the wedding, but I had no doubts. We live in Minnesota, where he is from, and my whole family and my friends were scheduled to fly from Washington state to MN, which made this especially painful. We are in counseling now, and seeing if we can work this out, but I'm not sure if I can/want to get over this huge betrayal. Any advice you have on repair/healing relationship trauma of this nature would be so appreciated. He is here and wants to work on things, but I don't know if I have the strength to get over it, or that I could ever truly trust him again." Jenny Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples. Understandably, you are going through heartbreak and loss. I encourage you to check out the episodes on Grief (see links below) to get more support. It sounds like you have many questions you are grappling with…like, what is next? How do you move forward from this? Should you trust him again? Is he the right person? My biggest encouragement to you is to make a commitment to not engage in this dynamic again. As painful as it is, there is learning in this experience. TAKE AN HONEST LOOK Reevaluate and identify what happened. Look at the underlying aspects. What was your part? Recognize your patterns. What is the learning in this and what is being revealed to you? What are your highest priorities and values in relationship? Were you invested in them? Did you have any blind spots or things you didn't want to acknowledge? Did you and your fiancé build trust together (did you have clear agreements, boundaries, communication, etc)? FIND YOUR GROUND Go slow. Take your time and be gentle with yourself. Focus on building a solid foundation. Affirm your strengths, lovability, and worth. Acknowledge your experience and process. Be with your feelings and be with yourself. Focus on developing a secure connection. Get clear on what you believe in. FOCUS ON YOUR PART You can't do his work for him. You can't control him. Let him be responsible for his experience and his part. Accept what is. Ask yourself is this in alignment with what I want? Check out the Forgiveness episodes. BE AVAILABLE FOR SOMETHING GREATER Recognize if things feel similar or if things feel different. Is his approach different? Is his energy different? Don't engage in the old patterns and old behavior. Be committed to your practice and your work. Be willing to engage differently. Talk honestly about what happened and be willing to learn. TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 153: HOW TO REPAIR A BREACH OF TRUST IN RELATIONSHIP [TRANSCRIPT] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Learning the steps to rebuilding trust in a relationship takes time and self-evaluation and more patience to go through the process. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

TOPIC: DEALING WITH SELF ABANDONMENT GUEST: DR. MARGARET PAUL Dr. Margaret Paul is a bestselling author, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® self-healing process, recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. She has appeared on numerous radio and television shows (including Oprah). Her book titles include "Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved By You", "Healing Your Aloneness", "Inner Bonding," and the recently released "Diet For Divine Connection." Margaret has successfully worked with thousands around the world and taught classes and seminars for over 50 years. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) LISTEN TO THE EPISODE TO LEARN ABOUT: The number one (underlying) reason why relationships fail is self-abandonment. One way that we abandon ourselves is we do not take responsibility for our experience, rather we expect our partner to do it for us. "We come into relationship expecting to get love rather than share love." by Dr. Margaret Paul Instead of taking responsibility, we try to control overtly (i.e. anger or blame) or covertly (i.e. withdrawing or shutting down), both of which have very negative effects on the relationship. What happens when we avoid our feelings. What happens when we learn the value and power of our feelings, and how they can help us "Growing up very few of us learned how to take responsibility for our own fullness, happiness, peace, and joy." by Dr. Margaret Paul What it would look like if we took responsibility for ourselves (dealing with self abandonment). What happens when we stop blaming our partners, and we learn to accept them. "We often mistake control for love." by Dr. Margaret Paul How to cultivate self-love. At any given moment, we are operating from one of two intentions. 1. To protect and avoid. 2. To learn and express, and how to know the difference between them. How to access more energy, joy, and happiness on a daily basis. MENTIONED: Inner Bonding (website) 6 Steps of Inner Bonding (website) Diet For Divine Connection (book) Inner Bonding (book) Healing Your Aloneness (book) Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by You: Second Edition (book) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Dealing with self abandonment and learning how to cultivate self-love helps us get back on track in helping regain your love as a couple. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Dealing with self abandonment and learning how to cultivate self-love helps us get back on track in helping regain your love as a couple. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Topic: Fear of outshining in relationship In ERP 150: What to Do When Stuck in Self-Sabotage, I addressed how it is sometimes difficult to accept and embrace new levels of success, love and abundance. Unconsciously, we have a tendency to sabotage the expansion process because of old limiting beliefs. "The Upper Limit Problem is our universal human tendency to sabotage ourselves when we have exceeded the artificial upper limit we have placed on ourselves." by Gay Hendricks, (The Big Leap, page 197) THE FEAR OF OUTSHINING YOUR PARTNER The fear of outshining is when one partner is afraid of outshining their partner, and actively works to monitor and dim their expression as a form of protection. In the article, Are you inadvertently dimming your light? When you have a pattern of being afraid of outshining she makes some great options about how people struggle with the fear of outshining others. "When you try not to outshine, it's about the People Pleaser in you that wants to protect somebody from feeling bad due to you feeling good or doing well in a particular area." by Natalie 3 Examples of How people struggle when afraid to outshine, by Natalie: "Not wanting to 'outshine' with your feelings and opinions. This is likely to be the case if you were raised by someone who dominated the home with their feelings, opinions, needs etc., possibly belittling yours in the process. Putting aside a talent or hobby out of fear that your peer group will ostracize you.This is especially likely to be the case if you were bullied or penalized in some way for seemingly outshining when you were a child. Suffering from the Imposter Syndrome and so not internalizing your accomplishments and achievements while at the same time feeling 'bad' and like a fraud. " "Trying not to outshine people is not only attempting to control the uncontrollable (a misappropriation of energy) but we're also judging ourselves and the other party in a particular area when we (and they) are so much more than these 'parts'." by Natalie THE FEAR OF OUTSHINING AS A SUCCESSFUL PERSON & THE IMPACT ON RELATIONSHIP Relationship and intimacy is one of the most important areas of our life and often the most challenging. When one or both people are successful, they are often dealing with their limiting beliefs, patterns, and sabotage, which adds additional layers of complexity to the relationship dynamics. Unfortunately, the relationship takes the brunt of these limiting behaviors through the form of arguing, criticizing, accusing, projecting, withholding, withdrawing, etc. In The Big Leap, Gay says "the greater success you achieve, the bumpier your relationships tend to be." TO AVOID THE TRAPS OF SUCCESS (FROM THE BIG LEAP, BY GAY HENDRICKS): Be intentional about taking alone time to process, center, and integrate."These periods of battery-charging alone time give you the ability to master longer and longer periods of closeness when you're in union with your beloved." Gay Hendricks 192 Prioritize transparency and vulnerability. Getting in touch with deeper feelings and expressing them. "I am overwhelmed." I am tired." I am scared." Accept the discomfort and be interested in the process. So often we want to turn away from the pain, yet there is such valuable and transformational informational awaiting your attention. Develop an accountability measure. Friends that help remind you of your limiting beliefs and behaviors. MENTIONED: The Big Leap: Conquer Your Hidden Fear and Take Life to the Next Level, By Gay Hendricks (book) ERP 150: What To Do When Stuck In Self Sabotage (podcast) ERP 140: How Pain and Suffering Increase & What to Do about It (podcast) ERP 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship (podcast) ERP 114: How To Develop The Strength Of Vulnerability ERP 106: What To Do When You Are Attracted To Someone Else (podcast) Photo by freestocks.org on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 151: HOW TO HANDLE THE TROUBLE OF OUTSHINING IN RELATIONSHIP [TRANSCRIPT] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. Thank you so much for your interest in understanding Self sabotaging relationship patterns and improving your love relationship. Feeling uncertain about a relationship is challenging and it is important to look into things to consider before making a decision. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

In a recent session, a client asked "Am I sabotaging my relationship?" After being divorce and single, she has been in the process of dating. With the guy she is currently dating, she is unsure. She wants marriage and long-term partnership, and she doesn't know if he does. She wants to have an emotionally mature connection, where they are each committed to trying to resolve conflict constructively. She doesn't know if he is interested or capable. In exploring her question, based on her situation (They had a long-weekend get-a-way together. They had some conflict.), we discussed: Being out of alignment. If she is dating someone who is not interested in a more committed relationship and she wants long-term partnership, she may feel a sense of unease and discontentment regardless of how he shows up. Not feeling resolved. Even is he is being super sweet and trying to move forward from a conflict, she may have a difficult time feeling relaxed because she is not clear and resolved about their disagreement. Feeling threatened. If she has fear about rejection and abandonment (based on previous hurt and trauma), and she is dating someone who is more causal in their commitment, it is likely that she will find some of his behavior threatening (i.e. not consistent engagement). Feeling safe and worthy to experience love. Many times when we are experiencing more love and connection than we have ever known before, we may reach a point where we don't know how to receive and be present. Hence, we unconsciously self-sabotage. Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples. THE UPPER LIMIT PROBLEM In "The Big Leap" by Gay Hendricks, he talks about how we all limit our experience through various ways of self-sabotage. Most of us grow up experiencing a certain level of success, abundance and love. We might call this our comfort zone. As we grow, develop, and we may strive to accomplish more and achieve new levels of love, abundance, and success. However, when we do this, we are often confronted with a threshold of what we are capable of receiving. Gay calls this our Upper Limit. This is all happening below our field of awareness. Gay Hendricks describes that we have one or more hidden barriers, which are essentially our fears of why it is not okay to expand into new levels of love, abundance, and success. When these unconscious fears get activated, we constrict. We cut off the flow of energy and expansion. When I explain this process to clients, I like to use a cup analogy. The cup represents our comfort zone. The water or liquid that is being poured into the cup represents abundance, love or success. We can easily contain the abundance that fits within our comfort zone. However, when the liquid (or abundance) starts to fill up the cup and seems to be hitting the threshold of what the cup can contain, we start reacting and unconsciously stop the flow of liquid because we do not know how to contain more. WAYS WE SELF-SABOTAGE Here are some common ways that people cut off the flow of abundance, success, and love (from The Big Leap, by Gay Hendricks): Worrying Blame and criticism Getting sick Having a accident Picking a fight Hiding significant feelings Not keeping agreements Not speaking significant truth to the relevant people Deflecting These are all ways that we unconsciously restrict or limit themselves. I am sure you have heard many stories where someone has accomplished great success and then the next moment they do something to sabotage themselves (i.e. politicians, professional athletes, actors, musicians). Or maybe you can reflect on a memory of your own, where you experienced a great success and then you did something to bring yourself back down. Gay Hendricks helps us understand why we do this. Most of the time our fear comes from an early experience in life, where we internalized a message that it is not okay to shine or expand. HERE ARE THE 4 COMMON HIDDEN BARRIERS (FROM THE BIG LEAP, BY GAY HENDRICKS): Feeling fundamentally flawed Disloyal and abandonment Believing that more success brings a bigger burden The crime of outshining The goal is to become more aware and mindful about when you experience your upper limit and how to work with it more consciously. Going back to the cup analogy, you will want to expand the size of your cup. 4 KEYS TO WORKING WITH THE UPPER LIMIT PROBLEM (FROM THE BIG LEAP, BY GAY HENDRICKS) Breathe. Observe. Adopt an attitude of wonder and play What was I thinking right before I started worrying?" What was I thinking about right before this happened? Explore: What is the underlying fear or concern (hidden barrier)? Expand capacity: I consciously expand my capacity for more abundance, success, love every day, as I inspire those around me to do the same. MENTIONED: The Big Leap: Conquer Your Hidden Fear and Take Life to the Next Level, By Gay Hendricks (book) ERP 123: Forgive For Love With Dr. Fred Luskin (podcast) I'm Not Your Guru (about Tony Robbins (documentary) Mary Morrissey (website) Photo by Alban Martel on Unsplash.jpg TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Feeling uncertain about relationship is challenging and it is important to look unto the things to consider before making a decision. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

LISTENER'S QUESTION: Sharon writes: "I have discovered your podcast recently, and it has helped me so much in my own self-reflection and relationships. My boyfriend and I are considering moving in together, but I am a little worried. We have been together for 9 months. We sleepover with each other a few times a week, so in some ways we are kind of living together already without the financial responsibilities. Regarding habits and lifestyle, I don't think we will have any problems. He is very excited about living together because he thinks that we will be moving in together anyway. But to me living together is a step closer to marriage and I'm not sure if I'm mentally ready. We are both just starting our careers, and it also seems more practical to live together so we can save up some money. We are still young and definitely not thinking of marriage yet. I'm not sure if I'm just overthinking and worrying too much, which I tend to do. I would love to hear what you have to say on this." 4 TIPS TO CONSIDER WHEN FEELING UNCERTAIN Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples. 1. WHAT IS YOUR PRIORITY? WHAT IS YOUR INTENTION? What is most important for you right now? Is it to explore the development of your relationship? Is it to have fun? Is it to focus on your career? Is this a step in the direction of partnership and marriage? 2. WHAT IS YOUR INTRINSIC DESIRE? What do you really want? If you were able to construct the situation exactly the way that you wanted it, what would you do? Are you being influenced by culture, family, friend, your significant other, by research? 3. WHAT IS THE MEANING AND SIGNIFICANCE OF THE THING YOU ARE CONSIDERING? Is this the 1st time living together with someone? If so, does this have meaning and significance to you? Scott Stanley, a research professor identifies a distinction with couples, which is "sliding vs. deciding." "Two-thirds of cohabiters are in fact sliders, who didn't much discuss the decision to move into together. It just kind of happened. Moving from dating to sleeping over to sleeping over a lot to cohabitation can be a gradual slope Once a couple is set up with a shared apartment, routine, dog, and group of friends, summoning the will to break up becomes more and more difficult. When two lives become so thoroughly intermingled, separating them out, starting all over again, will take a lot of effort; the prospect becomes a little daunting. It seems easier to just keep going with things as they are, even if they're not ideal. Inertia sets in. More sobering still, is research which suggests that "couples who otherwise would not have married end up married because of the inertia of cohabitation." They slide their way right down the aisle: "We might as well share an apartment since we're already spending so much time together" becomes "we might as well stay together since I might not be able to find someone else," and finally "we might as well get married since we've already been living together for so long."" by Brett and Kate McKay inShould You Live Together Before Marriage? 4. WHAT ARE YOUR HIGHEST VALUES? Consider doing a values exercise to get clear on what are your top values in life. "Studies have shown that one of the keys to healthy, happy relationships is moving through important transitions deliberately. Whether it's deciding to have sex, move in together, get married, or have a baby, couples who make these transitions with intentionality — with mutual discussion of meaning, expectations, plans, and purpose — are more likely to flourish." by Brett and Kate McKay in Should You Live Together Before Marriage? MENTIONED: ERP 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship(podcast) Smart Couples Finish Rich: 9 Steps to Creating a Rich Future for You and Your Partner (book) Photo by Shea Rouda on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

TOPIC: RELATIONSHIP TRAUMA AND RECOVERY GUEST: DR. JANINA FISHER Janina Fisher is a licensed psychologist and international expert on the treatment of trauma and dissociation. Author of "Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors" and co-author of "Sensorimotor Psychotherapy: Interventions for Trauma and Attachment," she is also Clinical Director, Khiron Clinics UK, Assistant Educational Director of the Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Institute, and former Instructor, Harvard Medical School. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) LISTEN TO THE EPISODE TO LEARN ABOUT: Trauma has a long-term effect on relationships and intimacy. (relationship trauma and recovery) All trauma involves human beings. When people have experienced trauma, they no longer feel safe. We go into the most important aspects of our lives, like a marriage, without any education. The modern understanding of trauma. "Once upon a time, two wise adults saw in each other the potential to build a better life. The potential to have a life very different from what each experienced as children. But what they didn't know, as they dreamed of this better life, is that they were taking the trauma with them." by Dr. Janina Fisher Trauma is remembered as feeling and sensation memory. Trauma contributes to the repetitive arguments in relationship. "The problem with a feeling memory is you don't know you are remembering. You think it is happening now." by Dr. Janina Fisher When "feeling memories' are being triggered, how the triggering of "feeling memories" can destroy a relationship. The language of triggering, which requires an important assumption. There is no way to move forward with the language of fault. The only way to move forward is with the language of triggering. Our first response to an interaction is a feeling sensation. Then, we put words or a story to our feeling sensation, often those words are words of blame. When we use language of fault, it jams our partner's compassion circuits. "Relationships are the hardest thing you are going to do in your entire life." by Dr. Janina Fisher How to change the habits that keep us entrenched and stuck in viscous circles. How mindfulness can support your intention with your partner. Couples typically need repetition and a lot of practice to build constructive ways of relating. The capacity for each individual to soothe themselves is crucial in relationship. How do you agree to address your differences? Do you address them as enemies in relationship or do you address them as normal and natural byproducts of being two different people? Tips for finding a trauma therapist. "Safe starts with us, not our partner. "Am I creating safety?"" by Dr. Janina Fisher MENTIONED: Dr. Janina Fisher (website) Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors: Overcoming Internal Self-Alienation, by Janina Fisher (book) Sensorimotor Psychotherapy: Interventions for Trauma and Attachment (Norton Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology)(book) Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Institute (website) EMDR (website) Somatic Experiencing (website) Internal Family Systems (website) How to Increase Relationship Satisfaction with Mindfulness (podcast) How to Increase Relationship Satisfaction with Mindfulness – Part Two (podcast) How to Increase Relationship Satisfaction with Mindfulness – Part three (podcast) Photo by Ethan Robertson on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 148: How To Deal With The Effects Of Trauma In Relationship, With Dr. Janina Fisher [TRANSCRIPT] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. It is very important to understand your relationship trauma and recovery to deepen your connection as a couple. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Suzanne Midori Hanna, Ph.D. is a clinician, instructor, and author in couple and family therapy. Her work in medical family therapy has led to an ongoing interest in mind-body issues, mental health, and the neurobiology of cutting edge couple and family therapy. She is the author of The Practice of Family Therapy: Key Elements Across Models, fifth edition and The Transparent Brain in Couple and Family Therapy: Mindful Integrations with Neuroscience. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) If you missed part one of this interview, you can check out ERP 146: How to use the mind body connection to improve your relationship with Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna. LISTEN TO THE EPISODE TO LEARN ABOUT: How to use strengths as a jumping off point, so that you can do the difficult work of turning towards your pain. How to build a belief in your need for love & safety, as well as how to take steps in getting your needs meet. One important way of disentangling from dangerous and hostile interactions with your significant other. "We get into marriage and often we stay strangers for ten years because of our inability to be vulnerable." Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna The differences between the male and female brain and how it impacts our interactions about emotions and attachments needs. "Once we begin becoming more vulnerable to each other, how to we maintain that sense of safety so the vulnerability can continue?" Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna "Outercourse" versus intercourse …getting in tune with how partners are coming across to their partner. Defining new rules of engagement. How to develop a process with your partner, where both people can feel valued. MENTIONED: ERP 146: How to use the mind body connection to improve your relationship with Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna. (Podcast) Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna (Website) Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna (Amazon page) Dr. John Gottman – Gottman Institute (Website) Dr. Susan Johnson (Website) & Leslie Greenberg Hold Me Tight by Dr. Susan Johnson (book) Dr. Terry Hargrave's Restoration Therapy (Website) Dr. Peter Levine & Somatic Experiencing (Website) Dr. Pat Ogden & Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Institute (Website) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Suzanne Midori Hanna, Ph.D. is a clinician, instructor, and author in couple and family therapy. Her work in medical family therapy has led to an ongoing interest in mind-body issues, mental health, and the neurobiology of cutting edge couple and family therapy. She is the author of The Practice of Family Therapy: Key Elements Across Models, fifth edition and The Transparent Brain in Couple and Family Therapy: Mindful Integrations with Neuroscience. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) LISTEN TO THE EPISODE TO LEARN ABOUT: "Mindfulness of sensation." Using the mind as a mental laser beam. Mental triggers – Where are you feeling that in your body right now? Put your mind on sensation for a moment and see what you learn. "Whatever is going on in the mind is going on in the body." Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna How we get stuck complaining in relationship. An expanded definition of trauma. The body's role when triggered. How to slow down to get to know ourselves through our body. "The way we are putting the mind and the body together to solve problems is changing the whole landscape of therapeutic work." Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna "Mindfulness of emotion." Primary emotion – emotion of attachment and survival. Universal needs for attachment- Love & Safety. MENTIONED: Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna (Website) Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna (Amazon page) Dr. John Gottman – Gottman Institute (Website) Dr. Susan Johnson (Website) & Leslie Greenberg Dr. Terry Hargrave's Restoration Therapy (Website) Dr. Peter Levine & Somatic Experiencing (Website) Dr. Pat Ogden & Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Institute (Website) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 146: HOW TO USE THE MIND BODY CONNECTION TO IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH DR. SUZANNE MIDORI HANNA [TRANSCRIPT]

Guest: Dr. Marty Klein Dr. Marty Klein has been a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist for over 30 years. He is the author 7 books, including Sexual Intelligence and the recent His Porn, Her Pain: Confronting America's PornPanic With Honest Talk About Sex. Each year, Dr. Klein trains thousands of psychologists, physicians, clergy, and attorneys in sexuality. He has been an expert witness or consultant in many state, federal, and international trials involving sexuality, and has given two Congressional briefings on evidence-based sex education. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) Listen to the episode to learn about: Dr. Marty Klein"s book "His Porn, Her Pain?" What couples are arguing about when they argue about porn. The pain that couples experience as it relates to pornography (i.e. body shame, loss of sexual connection, feeling inadequate). "Talking about porn typically does not uncover how people really feel (i.e. grief, loss of youth, not feeling desired." The role of sexual fantasy and masturbation in porn use. How to know if sexual fantasies are healthy. "Pornography is essentially a library of human sexual fantasy. Fantasy does not predict desire." How to deal with secrecy and shame related to porn use. "I'm in favor of clear thinking, and people talking about their lived experience together." Dr. Klein's questions: Tell me about what makes you feel good? What makes you feel connected to other people? How do you feel about sexuality? What makes you feel glad you are alive? What makes you grow? The role of dopamine in watching pornography. MENTIONED: Dr. Marty Klein (Website) Discount code "10P" Ellyn Bader (Couples Institute Website) ERP 011: How Technology Impacts Our Relationships (Podcast) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.