Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

In today's episode, I discuss the importance of prioritizing safety in relationship. If we do not feel safe, we will have a very difficult time being open and available for connection and intimacy. Dr. Stephen Porges, pioneering researcher and developer of Polyvagal Theory, reminds us that passion without safety leads to conflict and sometime violence, and it is very difficult to sustain long-lasting intimacy if you do not with safe with your significant other. Our nervous systems are always evaluating for danger and threats. If we are mobilizing (trying to deal with a threat) through fight or flight, we are not available for intimacy and closeness. Or if we are immobilized (shut down) to a threat, we will not be receptive or have the capacity for bonding and connection. Therefore, we need to feel safe in relationship, so that our nervous systems can function in the social engagement system, which allows us to be responsive to intimacy and connection. Physiologically, we are always co-regulating with the people around us...picking up on cues of safety and/or threats. In relationship, we have the opportunity to reciprocally engage with one another to help regulate, balance and comfort one another. In relationship, it is common to get off track, but it is essential to know how to get back on track. Listen to the episode to learn more. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.) In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins discusses: How romance and long-lasting intimacy require safety. Passion without safety often results in conflict and sometimes violence. The importance of safety can be confusing when we have known trauma, chaos, loss and pain within relationship and/or early childhood experiences. More effort and time will not resolve problematic dynamics. We need to create safety first, so that our nervous systems can be available for connection and closeness. The three neural circuits in our nervous system. What co-regulation is and how we benefit from it. Ideally, we want to have reciprocal, safe, engaged interactions with the people closest to us. In relationship, we have the opportunity to help regulate and balance each other, which leads to more stability overall. Recognizing the cues we send and receive in relationship that signal safety, connection. Through our vocal prosody, facial expressions (eyes, forehead, mouth), breathing and touch, we can convey affection, comfort, reassurance and safety. When planning a date, it can be helpful to incorporate restorative activities that help provide more safety, which in turn supports the nervous system to enter into the social engagement system, so that we can be more open and available for connection and intimacy. Mentioned Dr, Stephen Porges (website) The Pocket Guide to the Polyvagal Theory: The Transformative Power of Feeling Safe (book)* Restorative Practices of Wellbeing: A Compendium of Restorative Practices (book)* Shifting Criticism into Connected Communication – Free Guide ERP 036: HOW TO OFFER THE GIFT OF LISTENING (podcast) Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins Twitter: @DrJessHiggins Website: drjessicahiggins.com Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you!

In today's episode, I'm joined by Susan Anderson as we discuss primal abandonment and what brought Susan to this topic. Learn why abandonment is a cumulative wound that can be triggered well into adulthood. She talks about the process of shattering and why this is a primal fear that lurks in our minds, and why it's normal to have abandonment fear from the time of birth. We start with this conditioning at birth with primal abandonment, the universal feeling of disconnect or not being worthy of connection. Susan talks about the different types of abandonment and which life events can trigger or cause the feeling of primal abandonment within ourselves. She also speaks about how abandonment patterns can show up in choosing a partner who is emotionally and physically unavailable in adulthood. Listen in to learn why people are motivated to feel connected, the spectrum of abandonment, and why people who experience childhood abandonment will experience a more challenging time when a relationship dissolves. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.) Bio: Susan Anderson has devoted more than 30 years of clinical experience and groundbreaking research in working with victims of abandonment trauma. Founder of the Abandonment Recovery movement, she is the author of four books including Journey from Abandonment to Healing, Taming Your Outer Child, Black Swan: Twelve Lessons of Abandonment Recovery and The Abandonment Recovery Workbook. In this episode, Susan Anderson and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss: How her husband leaving after an 18-year relationship brought her to specialize in abandonment issues Why abandonment is the primal issue that we share as humans Separation anxiety as a normalized emotional feeling The positive side effects of abandonment The human spectrum of emotional abandonment Coping with childhood abandonment as an adult How abandonment triggers accumulate as a larger emotional wound The unconscious feeling of primal shame that comes with abandonment What the process of abandonment recovery looks like How you get to become the parent you never had growing up Mentioned Abandonment Outer Child Susan Anderso's books: The Abandonment Recovery Workbook* Journey from Abandonment to Healing* Taming Your Outer Child: Overcoming Self-Sabotage and Healing from Abandonment* Black Swan: The Twelve Lessons of Abandonment Recovery* Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins Twitter: @DrJessHiggins Website: drjessicahiggins.com Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you!

In today's episode, I'm joined by Ian Kerner. We discuss the effects of pornography on sexual health, why Ian became depressed about his personal sexuality, and how his sexual anxieties impacted his early relationships. He talks about his own battles with erectile unpredictability, how he grew up in a sex-invasive environment, and why he suffered from chronic early ejaculation as a young man. Ian talks about the importance of working with a sex therapist when a couple is challenged with sexual concerns. It can be extremely helpful in understanding sexual research and science to offer validation and direction. Listen in to learn how critical it is to have a safe space to explore vulnerable emotions and all that is involved within our experience sexually (i.e. physically, emotionally, culturally, socially, mentally, etc). (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.) Bio: Ian Kerner is a nationally-recognized sex therapist and New York Times bestselling author of numerous books, including, She Comes First, which has been translated into more than a dozen languages. Ian is regularly quoted as an expert in various media, with recent features in The Atlantic, the Economist and NPR amongst others and he contributes regularly on the topic of sex for CNN. He teaches and supervises at the Institute for Contemporary Psychotherapy in NYC. His new book will be published by Grand Central Publishing later this year. In this episode, Ian Kerner and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss: How anxiety can greatly influence our experience around sex Where couples commonly have issues around sex The psychological component of erectile unpredictability Differences in sexual issues based on gender Why women experience an orgasm gap The shame associated with the topic of sex Negative effects of an idiosyncratic masturbatory style How people can exile their sexuality in a relationship Why the essence of sex is also about being turned off as well as turned on Mentioned Ian Kerner (website) She Comes First (book) Connect with Ian Kerner Join Ian Kerner on the web Pick up a copy of She Comes First Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins Twitter: @DrJessHiggins Website: drjessicahiggins.com Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you!

In today's episode, I'm joined by Helen Mia Harris, and we discuss the love addiction phenomenon. This complex and pervasive problem can lead to an overwhelming love withdrawal experience, lovesickness, depression, and anxiety. She talks about her experience with love addiction, why love addiction is based on personal trauma, and why she has dedicated her life to helping others who experience this phenomenon. Helen explains that the person who has the anxious attachment issue often has a propensity towards love addiction. She also talks about the difference between the need for love for a love addict in a relationship and the desire for infatuation. Listen in to learn why people use an external source to validate themselves as individuals, how a love addict finds a need to survive within the relationship, and the signs of love addiction. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.) Bio: Helen Mia Harris is the creator of the Love Addiction, Codependency, and Heartbreak Recovery Programme. Several years ago, Helen experienced first-hand this affliction of the heart, when we love too much and experienced the grief-like symptoms of unrequited love, loss, and emotional trauma which inspired her to create the programme. Love addiction is a phenomenon that is recognised as a pervasive and complex problem. This can lead to an overwhelming experience of love withdrawal, lovesickness, depression, and anxiety. In this episode, Helen Mia Harris and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss: How love and drugs are a panacea against emptiness The link between emotional trauma and love addiction The effects of filling a void in your life with a relationship How emotional attachment bonds work when relationship equilibrium is unbalanced Why intermittent attention reinforcement is stronger than other types of reinforcement Crushes or infatuation do not equate to love addiction The signs of love addiction When the pain of the love addict gets activated Limerence as a feature of love addiction Mentioned Loving Too Much (website) Love and Addiction by Stanton Peele Hold Me Tight Workshop (online program) Wuthering Heights a novel by Emily Brontë Connect with Helen Mia Harris Loving Too Much enquiries@helenmiaharris.com Helen Mia Harris Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins Twitter: @DrJessHiggins Website: drjessicahiggins.com Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you!

In today's episode, I'm joined by Lindsey Ellison, and we discuss the ways we cope with trauma and pain. We all have pain points, and it is important to understand the origins of our pain points and why we are addicted to the pain itself. She talks about her personal battle with alcoholism, why she had a breakdown, and how she decided to take the next treatment step. Lindsey speaks about her journey with deep trauma work, her experience with relationship death, and how she previously diminished her pain. Trauma+fear+wounds=addiction is the formula that we are often working with. Lindsey helps us understand how this process plays out in our lives. Our fear and trauma fuel our addictions without even being aware of their presence. Listen in to learn about why it is critical to look closely and deeply at our pain and what it is teaching us about our underlying needs, our inner-child work, and our unresolved trauma. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.) Bio: Lindsey Ellison is a relationship coach and founder of Start Over Coaching, Inc., a coaching practice dedicated to helping people navigate their divorce or break up. Lindsey also specializes in helping people break free from narcissistic abuse, and is the author of the best selling book, MAGIC Words: How to Get What You Want from a Narcissist. You can find Lindsey on her popular podcast, Unbreakable You: Breakup Without Being Broken. In this episode, Lindsey and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss: Why we are addicted to the pain in our relationship How we form habits to deal with the source of our pain The factors of co-dependency and how this affects who you are How Lindsey created her blueprint of pain The role of defense mechanisms in adulthood How our trauma feeds into the fear cycle The adult child and how we use habits to maintain our fear and trauma What Lindsey learned around her deeper need for trauma and fear How to manage the pain of your inner child daily Triggers and why we need to avoid them Why we need to give attention to, not judge, our wounds How the little "t's" affect your emotional health over time The process of finding out the "I am nots" and how to overcome these false beliefs and triggers Mentioned: Hold Me Tight the book Hold Me Tight Workshop Connect with Lindsey Ellisen Magic Words: How to Get What You Want from a Narcissist Lindsey Ellisen on the web Magic Words workbook Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins: Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins Twitter: @DrJessHiggins Website: drjessicahiggins.com Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com Get access to my new group coaching starting in January. Sign up today! If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

In today's episode, I'm joined by Michael McPherson as we chat about how to develop sexual energy and sexual intimacy beyond the typical immature and limited notions we live within. Michael talked about how common it is for people to grow up in environments where sex and conversations about sex are taboo. He addressed how much shame people typically feel around sex and their sexual energy, as well as how misinformed people are based on the distorted images they get from various forms of media. Michael's mission is to help people expand their understanding about sexual energy and sexual intimacy as well as increasing their comfortability in talking about their sexuality. Michael talked about his healing journey with the use of plant medicine, Ayahuasca ceremony, and the love and connection with his beloved. He shares some of his practices and principles with us that have contributed to his integration and transformation. Listen in to find out how sexual energy can be used for activities other than sex, why our sexuality is mixed in with all our life experiences, how men can hide behind their sexuality, and how he took responsibility for his past actions and somatically healed. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.) Bio: Michael McPherson is the author of Everything You Never Learned About Sex: Take Back Your Masculine Power & Use Your Sex Energy For Good, co-founder of KAKAO Ceremonial Drinking Chocolate, a non-profit devoted to saving native stains of cacao and making ceremonial-grade cacao available to the Western world, and co-founder of KAPU, a community app for light workers to share their heart-centered gifts, services, and wisdom in a safe and sacred space. In this episode, Michael and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss: How pornography impacts our ideas about sex and can warp our perspective on sexual intimacy Why men can get away with hiding behind their sexuality in society How males cover their emotional wounds and hurt with sex Infatuation and the thrill of the chase is a large percent of our relational experience How plant medicine and ceremonies can support healing from emotional turmoil and pain The difference between sex energy and sexuality How sexual energy is amplified in couplehood and how to work with intention setting together How to use sexual energy to open your heart The process by which we can start to identify sexual energy in our body How to deepen your own intimacy with your beloved through your individual practice Mentioned: Everything You Never Learned About Sex: Take Back Your Masculine Power & Use Your Sex Energy For Good (book) By Michael McPherson KAKAO Ceremonial Drinking Chocolate (website) ERP 071: How To Use Sexual Energy To Improve Your Health & Relationship - With Sarina Stone - Jessica Higgins ERP 246: How to Deepen Your Connection Through the Power of Ritual - An Interview with William Ayot Connect with Michael McPherson https://www.michaelmcpherson.co/ Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins: Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins Twitter: @DrJessHiggins Website: drjessicahiggins.com Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com Get access to my new group coaching starting in January. Sign up today! If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

In today's episode, we will take a look at negotiating with your significant other when you have a conflict. My interview with Juliet Grayson will delve into how she works with couples to navigate intimacy and find a win-win relationship. She started her journey as a young child in therapy with the UK NLP Therapy Association Chair. Juliet was intrigued by the association and decided to sign up for a course. She decided to take the entire course six times to embody thinking, which changed her perspective and life. Having experienced couples therapy with her husband, she decided to venture into the couples therapy treatment realm. Now trained as a couples therapist, she had her first couples client and quickly realized that this vertical wasn't the same as individual therapy. At this point, she decided to take on a two-year training divided into a year training on sex and the other year on relationships. Juliet currently works primarily with couples who are experiencing sexual problems. Juliet and I talk about the importance of taking a break in a conversation when one partner is triggered and why having the ability to step away from an argument that is getting heated is a positive action to take to move your relationship forward. Listen in to find out why every communication is a negotiation, what couples need to do to have the ability to negotiate, the distinction between first and second position with NLP, and the most useful model for couples to move through negotiation. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.) Bio: Juliet Grayson is a UKCP Reg psychosexual therapist working in the UK. She & her team run a six modular course, now online, on "How to Work With Couples for Therapists Who Usually Work One to One". She also runs online personal development groups using the Pesso Boyden System of Psychotherapy. Her book, "Landscapes of the Heart: The working world of a sex and relationship therapist" gives a 'fly on the wall' perspective on couples therapy. In this episode, Juliett and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss: How couples are not good negotiators Prerequisites to starting the negotiating process in a couples relationship The importance of knowing what you want for yourself Why it's important for a couple to brainstorm to solve a problem How to separate the problem from the people The types of concessions a partner can offer inside a relationship How second position is different from first position Why it's important to understand the other's motivation for their actions Elements necessary to have the ability to speak from each position in negotiation. The importance of negotiating with generosity and positivity towards your partner How a partner can get "unstuck" in winning at the expense of the relationship Mentioned: Landscapes of the Heart: The working world of a sex and relationship therapist (book) Landscape of the Heart (website) Couples Therapy and Counseling (website) Interview with William Ayot, Deepening Your Connection Through the Power of Ritual (podcast) Connect with Juliet Grayson To join her emailing list https://therapyandcounselling.co.uk/sign-up-for-info/ Facebook https://www.facebook.com/Juliett.grayson.9/ www.sexuallyinappropriatebehaviour.org Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins: Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins Twitter: @DrJessHiggins Website: drjessicahiggins.com Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com Get access to my new group coaching starting in January. Sign up today! If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

With modern day life, it is easy to get wrapped up in outside distractions and at times even turn towards these distractions as a way to avoid discomfort and pain. However, in the process of turning towards outside distractions (i.e. news, entertainment, phones, social media, etc), we are turning AWAY from our partner. Research helps us understand that how responsive partners are to each other is one of the biggest predictors of lasting relationship. Couples who turn towards each other have increased levels of trust, relationship satisfaction, passion and lovemaking. During this holiday season, and on the tail end of such a stressful year of 2020, what if you put your efforts into one of the most potent and powerful ways of creating connection by increasing the amount of times you turn towards your partner? (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.) In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins discusses: What does "turning towards" your partner mean? How small interactions between partners often leads to the overall sentiment of the relationship (either positive or negative). The responsiveness rate of happy couples versus responsiveness rate of unhappy couples. The difference between simple "bids" and complex "bids." How "turning away" creates disconnect and disengagement and how "turning against" creates conflict, as well as possibility for engagement and repair. The damage of dismissing bids and the negative outcomes on relationship. How to increase the rate of responsiveness with our significant other Examples of specific ways of responding to our partner's bids and turning towards them. Check out this free guide to get 25 examples of turning towards your partner: 25 Days to Strengthening Your Love Through Kindness Check out this article to see Dr. John Gottman's list of minor bids for emotional connection (scroll to see the blue graphic). Mentioned: FREE guide: 25 Days to Strengthening Your Love Through Kindness ERP 125: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love (podcast) ERP 128: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love - Part Two (podcast) ERP 129: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love - Part Three (podcast) ERP 130: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love - Part Four (podcast) ERP 131: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love - Part Five (podcast) The Gottman Institute (website) Dr. Susan Johnson (website) Turn Towards Instead Of Away, By Zach Brittle LMHC (article) Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins: Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins Twitter: @DrJessHiggins Website: drjessicahiggins.com Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com Get access to my new group coaching starting in January. Sign up today! If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

William Ayot has worked in personal development and organizational settings, using poetry and the arts to teach worldwide. He speaks about his emotional state at the age of 30, being clinically depressed, not finding any joy in relationships, and he then "fell into a hole." William was able to climb out of his hole by doing ritual work and discovering the world of personal development. Working with groups of Shamans who used rituals in a very particular way. "I was fascinated, and this began to help me in my personal process." After completing a ritual for the atonement of the feminine, William met a woman whom he fell in love with and is still in a relationship with to this day, over two decades later. He then realized that ritual work was also applicable to people in relationships. From here, he found himself working for individuals and groups, teaching them the process and value of ritual. When working with couples, William will design and create a ritual for the couple to practice. This helps to know people's spirituality, what they need when interfacing with each other, and the sacred world. He strives to meet people where they are most present and connected in their lives and the world. At this point, he creates rituals that initiate change. Listen in to find out why rituals are a way of creating an image to send a message to the soul, how rituals are a critical part of our intention-setting and co-creating and why rituals can tie up loose ends with our sense of lack in the current environment. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.) Bio: William Ayot is an award-winning poet, author, teacher and ritualist. Over three decades, he has worked in personal development and organizational settings, using poetry and the arts to teach around the world. William creates rituals for individuals and groups in his purpose-built ritual garden in Monmouthshire, Wales. He has published four collections of poetry, a prose book on ritual, and is currently writing a book for and about men in a time of epochal change. In this episode, William and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss: How to co-create rewarding, lasting relationships How rituals can be transformative for both individuals and couples Knowing a person's spirituality before creating or prescribing a ritual for them is important How rituals are a way of creating an image to send a message to the soul "The soul doesn't deal in data or numbers. It deals in pictures and images." William Ayot Why we are cutting off from a deep and profound part of ourselves by disregarding ritual in our life Why we are giving our partner a gift when we use ritual in our lives What William encourages us to do to feel more connected in the world How to conduct rituals safely with the intended best effect The five basic stages of a ritual and the importance of closing the ritual down before leaving Why ritual is as important for men as it is for women "Rituals are a unique way for a human being to give a message to their psyche or their soul." William Ayot Poem, by William Ayot It Turns and Softly Speaks Night after night the empty road, the home-light diminishing then vanishing as you travel out into the world again, hungry for a love that you can never allow. If only you could pause for a moment, look down at your feet and not at the horizon, you might spot the small grey pebble of love lying discarded where you flung it as a child. What was the hurt that made you a loner? How did the wondrous gift become a wound? You're alone. You're still giving but you're giving from an exhausted place. Listen to the call of love: admit, accept, receive. © William Ayot Mentioned: Shifting Criticism into Connected Communication – Free Guide Re Enchanting the Forest: Meaningful Ritual in a Secular World Connect with William Ayot Visit William on the web Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins: Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins Twitter: @DrJessHiggins Website: drjessicahiggins.com Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com Get access to my new group coaching starting in January. Sign up today! If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

Richard Bolstad has devoted his time to running workshops with his wife Julia and has authored many books on coaching and cooperative relationships. In this episode, we talk about how he became interested in couples therapy, Neuro-Linguistic Programming, and how this type of process can become a "User's Manual for the brain." We not only discuss NLP in detail but give vital examples of the elements of NLP. He speaks about connection cues and why these are more important than conflict cues, and how connection cues turn into bids for a partner's attention. Partners who pick up on this bid for attention connect and build rapport within the relationship. Breathing, body positions, and brain waves start to synchronize between the couple. When one partner ignores the other partner's bid for attention, the relationship can start to break. Couples aren't willing to do the work until they feel like they are heard and seen. This process builds goodwill and reinforces their bond. Unless these components are part of a relationship, it's hard to find a significant bond between two people. Listen in to our conversation about the Japanese cultural art of Aikido is used as a metaphor for building relationships and aligning with someone else, the importance of self-soothing, and how partners can have negative responses toward each other during a conversation. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.) Bio: A member of the New Zealand Association of Psychotherapists, Richard runs training world-wide, both singly and with his wife, Julia Kurusheva. He is the author of many books on NLP, coaching, and cooperative relationships, published in 10 languages, including Transforming Communication and The Rapport Based Family. Instructors teach his "Transforming Communication" cooperative relationships course in more than 14 languages. Richard also runs training on conflict resolution in war zones and after major disaster events. In this episode, Richard and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss: How NLP can be used to guide couples relationships Examples of NLP framework in action Why cues and bids for attention are important inside a relationship How to people can build rapport amongst each other The physical effects building rapport causes inside a relationship Engines that drive the verbal and nonverbal responses towards a partner "What people usually call thinking is made up of the things they picture visually inside their head, what they say to themselves and listen to, and what they pay attention to." By Richard Bolstad How to enrich your couples experience by paying attention to your inputs The ability and exercise of how to create an emotional anchor for yourself Differences in sensory systems between two people How to reinforce the bond between you and your partner "Instead of manipulating or doing things to influence someone else, find elements that will co-create a relationship." By Richard Bolstad Mentioned: Shifting Criticism into Connected Communication – Free Guide Find a mediator online Dr. Susan Johnson The Gottman Institute Virginia Satir Pick up Richard's The Rapport Based Family ERP 217: How to Deal with Stonewalling in Your Relationship Connect with Richard Bolstad Visit Richard on the web Find out more about Neurolinguistic Programming Richard Bolstad on Linkedin Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins: Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins Twitter: @DrJessHiggins Website: drjessicahiggins.com Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.