Maximize Your Influence

After diving into "Negotiation's Dirty Deeds" last week, Kurt and Steve continue the discussion by uncovering even more of the underhanded tactics other's will use on you while negotiating. Steve takes over today's "geeky article moment." In a recent article by Harvard Business Review, we learn that managing conflict requires that we first ascertain whether we're dealing with a "hot" conflict or a "cold" conflict. The strategy is entirely different depending on which type of conflict you are using. The article also gives a variety of pointers about managing the conflict. First, unless there is something imminent, take your time. Many of us want to make conflict go away as soon as possible because we just don't like it. However this can often make the situation worse. Second, listen to everything but respond selectively. Managing conflict often involves a lot of venting emotion that doesn't necessarily need to be addressed...it just needs to be vented. Third, take stock before you take sides. Make sure you really hear both parties out otherwise your credibility in resolving the conflict will be crushed. One of negotiation's dirty deeds is physical posturing. It's not uncommon for old school negotiatiors to put the people they negotiate with in smaller chairs, lower positions, or downright uncomfortable positions. Steve and Kurt discuss how this has been used in foreign policy as well as the business world. Another of negotiaton's dirty deeds is the "higher authority." Oftentimes in a negotiation the person you're working with will pretend that they don't have the authority to make a decision. This isn't necessarily dirty (you might have some success using it, actually), but it does hamper the negotiation process. When somebody plays the "higher authority card" you need to get them to agree on a deadline and also try to get an appointment or commitment to meet with the higher authority. That's assuming there really is one! Finally to round out the show, Steve discusses a persuasion blunder that's going around today. It involves some underhanded tactics others are using to get past gate keepers. Check out the full episode for more!

Due to listener demand, Kurt and Steve finally unleash "negotiation's dirty deeds." These are underhanded tactics and strategies that others will use against you while negotiating. Before this happens, however, Kurt discusses a recent article about "meeting productivity." According to the Social Psycholigical and Personality Science Journal (that's a mouthful), standing during meetings creats more excitement and productivity. Apparently this has the obvious effect of making the meetings shorter. One of the unintentional but positive side effects was that it tends to decrease territoriality. Different departments were more willing to share information and collaborate. This episode continues with a discussion on underhanded negotiation tactics. One tactic often used is the "fake surprise." Often when we present an offer to others they may act outwardly offended or surprised. This is intended to reset your expectations and reconsider your offer...by embarassing you. Kurt and Steve discuss some ways to counter this and adjust for it. Another dirty technique is the last minute change. For example, somebody could tell you that you have a deal. They'll set up a time to meet and when they arrive they tell you "sorry, I don't have all the money...can we still do this?" Just a few of the dirty deeds are discussed here...be sure to listen to the full episode for more!

To start this episode, we lead off with another one of Kurt's geeky articles. And this study, while strange, is compelling. As it turns out, there is a vast personality difference between dog and cat owners. In addition, cat owners actually score slightly higher on intelligence tests. Dog lovers tend to be more extroverted and sociable, while cat lovers are more independent yet more cautious. Kurt and Steve discuss the implications of reading these personality types. They also take a few shots at cat owners. If your'e to be successful as a persuader, it's obvious that you need to be competent. Is there such thing as "too much" competence? As they say, competence, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. There's a difference between knowing a lot about your product and knowing how to tactfully make your prospect FEEL like you know alot. Competence comes from life long learning. You need to be the foremost expert on your product. This involves the perception from your prospects that you are continually learning and growing. When you learn that your doctor recently attended a medical conference it makes you feel like the doctor is keeping up. Make sure you are up to speed on your industry...and make sure your prospects know this. It will help create that perception of competence that you're after. To wind down the show, Steve discusses a persuasion blunder that he recently experienced in the real estate industry. The moral of the story? Know your product inside and out so you can act quickly...or you may lose the deal. Kurt then features a ninja who has learned how to tame one of the toughest hecklers of door to door salespeople: dogs.

Kurt and Steve begin the show by discussing Steve's recent trip to Dallas and how may pounds he put on from eating too much barbeque. They also discuss Kurt recently celebrating a birthday (happy 70th birthday, Kurt)! This turns into a rant about chicken wings until Kurt and Steve realize that you tune into the show for persuasion tips...not food commentary. There is a common saying in business that you should "under promise and under deliver." In a recent article entitled "nobody cares how good you are at your job", researches came to some interesting conclusions. After tracking promises made by businesses, researchers found that "going above and beyond a promise didn't seem to matter at all." What really does matter, however, is when we break a promise. Take into account the fact how airline travelers feel when their plane is early versus late. When a plane is early, people usually feel "so/so" about it. When it's late, however, they are furious. The study concludes that when it comes to making a promise, the best thing is to keep it. Doing "more" than keeping it might create a future standard that you don't want to abide by. Kurt and Steve then transition into a discussion about one of the core elements of charisma: self disclipline. When we percieve somebody to be self disciplined, we perceive them to be more charismatic. Studies show that self discipline isn't something that we can compartmentalize. For example, being completely undisciplined in your finances will bleed into the other areas of your life. Discipline is a whole person issue. As Jim Rohn said, "you're either going to be disciplined or disappointed." Charismatic leaders are committed to their mission and their business. They pick themselves up after failure and they stay focused. There are a few things we can do to increase our self discipline. 1) Break your goals down into smaller steps and pieces. The human mind thrives on accomplishment. So if you're continually failing, you need to give your brain a victory. Take some baby steps because good habits over time will eventually get you where you want to be. 2) Focus on what you're going to get instead of what you're giving up. Continuially dwelling on the negative and what you're giving up pulls your subconsious mind in that direction. But if you instead dwell on what you're going to get your brain will be more engaged and you will achieve your goal. 3) Monitor your progress on an hourly and daily basis. This allows you to dwell more on what you're getting as opposed to what you're giving up. Finally, 4) make sure your objective is what you really want. Many times we are engaged in something in our life that is something we don't really want for ourselves. Maybe our family or friends wanted it FOR us. But ultimately it was never something that you were passionate about or that you liked.

Is power different than influence? Absolutely. One can be influential without having a lot of power. But as power increases, it gives you more ability to influence. On this episode, Kurt and Steve discuss some examples of when power is used and what the long term implications are. Many times as persuaders, parents, co-workers, we fall into the influence/power cycle. We want somebody to do something and we first try with "carrot." But once somebody refuses or doesn't comply, we go to the stick. This is a mistake. There is a difference between using power and using force. When somebody uses power ethically, we are happy to be persuaded by them. When somebody uses force, they jeopordize the long term relationship. Is there ever an instance when using force doesn't ruin the relationshp over the long term? Kurt relates this to the "emotional bank account" as first discussed by Dr Stephen R Covey. If we ever have to use force, we must make sure that we buffer that with many more postiive interactions. Kurt and Steve then discuss various examples and stories of when people have used force too early and too often. While force might be necessary sometimes in short term interactions, it never works when a relationshp needs to be preserved for the long term. How do we create genuine power that will help supercharge our business? "Authority" power is key. Set the expectations (in a humble way) that you are in charge and are the boss. "Expert" power is also important. When people perceive you as the expert you automatically have more power due to your knowledge. Tactfully letting your prospects know you are an expert (without vomiting features and benefits all over them) will give you expert power. This is most effectively done when it's presented by third parties. That's why companies with great online reviews through services like Yelp continue to grow. Their expertise is projected to the public...but it's done by third parties so it doesn't come across as arrogant or condescending. Finally, Kurt and Steve discuss instances when you want to fake like you don't have any power. Kurt references the tv series "Columbo." Playing dumb can sometimes give you the time you need to make a better decision. It also reduces resistance. In many persuasive encounteres, those who appear less powerful are much more effective. You should decide on a case by case basis which is more effective: project a powerful presence? Or go "Columbo?"

You've met these people before. The kind of person who has it all together. They're dressed right. They know how to talk and they seem very knowledgable. But something just isn't right. On this episode, Kurt and Steve talk about "gut instinct" and to what extent our prospecs can tell if we're "full of it" or not. In this week's "geeky article moment brought to you by Kurt", we learn that "gut instinct" is actually real and a lot more literal than we ever thought. According to a study by the University of Zurich, mamals have a nerve connecting the brain and the stomach. When the brain is uneasy about something, it sends a message to the stomach to create that uneasy feeling that we've all experienced. In a study done with rats (yep, rats), those with a severed nerve behaved more recklessly than others. The bottom line is, the stomach has a say in our decisions! This leads into this episodes core topic: congruence. Congruence is that subconcious connection between what somebody is saying and what they're doing. Our subconcious mind picks up on little micro expressions, different words, and different actions. This ulitmately creates the difference between the message you think you're saying and what your prospect is actually hearing. You could be passing out $100 dollar bills on a street corner...for free...but if you're not congruent people will sense it. What do we do when we're not confident or congruent when it comes to our product? How do we fix that? It comes down to doing what you say and using the correct "non verbal" behavior. Avoid touching your face or covering your mouth. Avoid leaning back in your chair. Make sure the level of your eye contact is natural. Those who are being deceptive tend to make very little eye contact or too much. Make sure your feet and shoulders are square. When the subconcious mind isn't okay (or doesn't believe in) what you're saying or doing, your feet and shoulders tend to point away from your prospect. If you think your prospect's subconsious mind doens't pick up on this you are sadly mistaken!

After a brief rant about their listeners in Iran and the intimidation tactics of police in the United States (get off topic much, guys?), Kurt and Steve discuss a recent study about confidence. According to the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, well all have some internal wiring that makes us want to trust strangers. Despite being told not to trust them our whole life, strangers are able to gain our trust. Whether it's online or at a retail storefront, we are more likely to trust strangers when there is a social norm involved. When we feel it's our duty or responsiblity to trust others, we're likely to comply. This is because the human brain wants to creat short cuts and make decisions easier. So it's likely to make you trust people that maybe you shouldn't. Kurt suggests that it's better to trust and risk getting hurt than to never trust anybody. Otherwise you could end up "living in a van down by the river." Continuing onto the topic of charisma, Kurt and Steve briefly review last week's subject, passion. You have to have passion (only one guy has ever been able to be passionless and still hold our attention). But beyond passion, you have to have confidence. But how do you know when you've crossed the line between confidence and arrogance? It's okay to be aggressive and try to show that you have confidence. We want confident people that we can trust to tell us what to do so we don't make mistakes. That's part of human nature. But as we said before, avoiding arrogance is key. We can avoid arrogance by taking criticism with an open mind and heart. Kurt uses a recent interaction with his teenage son to illustrate this (way to go for the low hanging fruit, Kurt). Confidence is about you serving your prospect. Arrongance is all about you and what you know and how great you are. We all hear the same objections over and over again. We think that we can jump in and cut the person off and give them the answer. But that crosses the line between confidence and arrogance. Your prospect has to verbalize the objection as this is likely the first time they thought it. This takes time and there is simply no way around it. Steve then can't help himself on the food front and compares spending sales prospects to a delicious rack of baby back ribs. And no, listening to him explain it probalby won't help it make anymore sense than it does here. But what if you aren't confident? What if you're new or what if you don't even believe in your product? Sometimes you have to fake it until you make it. Sometimes you have to do what athletes who are in a slump to. You have to stay in the game until you get even a minor victory that you can build on. But if that doesn't work, sometimes you have to make a change. Ironically enough, passion again comes into play here. If you aren't confident you aren't passionate. If you aren't passionate you aren't confident. Finally for this week's blunder, Kurt and Steve revisit the gift that keeps on giving, Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling. Kurt and Steve discuss the PR debacle this has become and why Sterling is a horrible example for anyone who finds themselves in a situation where they need to back peddle.

Charismatic people have a presence whenever they walk into a room. You can actually be in introverted person and not have a very outgoing personality and still be charismatic. Once you have charisma people what to be around you. They WANT to be persuaded by you. Sales reps, business owners, politicians all know that they can get a lot more lattitude when they have charisma. Next in the podcast, Steve discusses an article by Harvard Business Review entitled "Getting Your Point Across." The article give a few points as to how we can make our message more memroable. First, "you can't communicate what you haven't defined." What do you want the audience to do? What are the bench marks along the way to that? It's important to build your presentation backward. Decide what your call to action is and build backward from there. There always needs to be a call to action or a definite goal that you want to achieve. The second point from the article is "lose the slides and have a real conversation." Too many presenters rely on their slides and drone on and on and never make in impact on the audience. Those who can have a conversation with the audience will be the most successful. Finally, "be repetitive without being boring." In the political campaign of Bill Clinton back in the 90's, there was an important slogan: KISS, or "keep it simple stupid." That's why it's important to repeat without being repetitive. Audiences can ony remember a few simple points. Drive home the point but don't bore yoru audience to death. Rounding out this episode, Kurt and Steve dive into passion as it relates to presence. Can we have passion for a job that we don't like at all? It depends. It is however, much beter if you can be in a position to promote a product, service, or cause that you have some belief in. Passion is most effective when it comes from deep within. Kurt relates one of his best lines: "are you singing the words or are you singing the song?" Product knowledge, testimonials, dwelling on the positive, and constant improvement are a few of the things that fuel passion. If you feel stalled in your career due to a lack of passion, try learning and growing on a daily basis. This furthers a positive attitude and can ignite your passion for your career again. If after you do this you still just can't get any passion for what you're doing, it may be time to move on. Finally, Steve relates the weekly persuasion blunder: a door to door sales person that was so pushy that her prospects called the police on her!

Leading off this episode, Kurt introduces a recent article that discusses the effect of an optimistic spouse. This study was conducted by the University of Michigan and is the first study we know of that links the optimism of others to ourselves. Not only does it make us more optimistic, but it also shows increased health! In another effort to offend their listeners, Kurt and Steve discuss that if you're spouse isn't optimistic, it's time to get divorced (joking, of course). Top persuaders and influencers are inherently optimistic. There is a line, however, between "constructive" realism and optimism. We need to be able to understand threats and problems realistically. However there is a difference between being realistic and being excessively negative. Some people are programmed to be negative. All they know is how to find what's wrong. Persuading these type of people can be a challenge. Persuading them means you strategically give them something negative in an effort to control their negative perspective more. An optimistic attitude literally adds years to your life. And it's not just quantity of life. The quality increases as well. Pessimistic people have a tendency to give in faster than others. With most sales being made after multiple attempts, pessimists are at a clear disadvantage here. Optimists are more likely to forge ahead and make adjustments when they fail. Their chances for success in the world of persuasion and influence increase exponentially as a result. Successful persuaders also have a gift when it comes to learning from mistakes, but moving on as quickly as possible. In sales and persuasion its common to have days where you feel like you got kicked in the teeth. Learn from those bumps in the road, then move forward immediately. Dwelling on the failure doesn't help. Learning from it and adjusting does. Finally, Steve discusses the persuasion blunder of the week: A professor who accidentally taught the wrong class for a whole semester. Yep. It really happened.

If Kurt and Steve haven't yet offended you on the podcast, they give it a good try here (all in good fun, of course). They also discuss the strange fact that a lot of listners to the podcast seem to be from Iran. After the initial banter that for some reason didn't involve any "food talk", Steve apologizes profusely for not posting the link to the Advanced Influence Course from last week. Kurt then shamelessly plugs the course so that all may enjoy. Why not? It's 85% off for listeners of Maximize Your Influence! Persuasion is a soft skill that requires regular attention so that you don't lose your touch. It's not like "hard skills" like riding a bike. When you learn to ride a bike you know it for life. But with persuaison, it requires constant practice or you'll get rusty. Steve asks Kurt about a recent study published on Psychology Today entitled "4 Ways Men Can Woo Women." According to the study, Men who are nice, are also nice to children, are creative, and are dog lovers have better luck "wooing" women. Kurt and Steve discuss how effective these techniques may be with one giant caveat: neither of them are women. They then ask women listeners from the show to chime in and vote as to how effective they think these techniques may be when attracting women. They also point out that if the article is right and being a dog lover attracts women, being a cat lover is just creepy. Check cat lovers off of the list of people to offend. Heading into the main segment of the show, Kurt discusses how more business is done online and via email and phone today. Word choice is more critical than ever before. While we might think that we use the right words when persuading, over time words that are not effective tend to creep into our presentations. Kurt offers a list of words that we shoudln't be using when persuading as well as gives some real life examples of when word choice can go wrong. Kurt and Steve then delve into things like vocal tone, rate of speech, and the strategic use of silence. Those who can talk a little faster than average are actually statistically more persuasive. The reason for this is that the prospect has less time to doubt and quesiton the information being presented. There is of course, a fine line between talking quickly and being effective and coming across as a slick fast talker. Kurt and Steve also discuss vocal fillers and how to best elminate them from your vocabular. Vocal fillers can easily creep in on all of us so it's important to have a third party (or record ourselves) identify them from time to time. It's just like staying in shape. You're never perfect! Finally, Steve awards the persuasion blunder to owner of the Los Angeles Clippers, Donald Sterling. Kurt and Steve discuss what happens in people's minds when somebody commits a massive PR blunder, ala Donald Sterling. They also reflect on what PR firms are trained to do when these kinds of things happen. And because Kurt is obsessed with Seinfeld, he once again brings up Michael Richard's (Kramer) massive racial blunder in front of a comedy club a few years ago. He breaks down whether or not people who commit these kind of blunders can ever recover in the public eye.