The SelfWork Podcast

Today's SelfWork, sponsored by BetterHelp, focuses on why, how and why you might choose to end therapy, or more concisely, to leave a particular therapist. We'll cover some "good" reasons to leave, reasons that either have to do with the success you've experienced or reaching your goals, as well as the ones that have to do with disappointment with or even misbehavior or unethical behavior by the therapist themselves.  But we'll also focus on the reasons why you might justify leaving, when in actuality, it may not be in your best interest to do so. I’m a huge believer in the power of good therapy. But it’s not always good. And we need to address how you know when it’s time to leave – or not. The listener email is once again quite different. I’ll read from a letter I received from a man who’s serving time in prison, He reached out in a very special way – and I thought you’d like to hear. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! Good article in Psych Central about reason to leave or not leave therapy You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you! Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I'd planned to do this episode of SelfWork on developing trust in others. But as I researched the question, I realized that first, you have to make sure you can trust your own decision-making. And your gut. I found the work of Nobel Prize winner Daniel Kahneman (who made the most sense to me) on how you can determine if you can trust your gut or not.  There are three questions that need a "yes" answer before you can jump into believing that intuition of yours - and today, on this episode sponsored by BetterHelp, we'll find out what those three questions are. And I offer a five-step process to work your way through those three questions, as well as adding a few ideas of my own. The listener wrote in for this week described a very painful relationship with his therapist, that had led him to feel even more shame for a porn addiction. Luckily, he was able to recognize what was going on and he left that therapist. I decided I couldn't address such a huge topic - how to handle conflict or disappointment with a therapist - with only an email answer. So I'm going to address this very important issue in Episode 210 of SelfWork. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! Psych Today article by Andrea Bonoir, Blink by Malcolm Gladwell A short summary of Blink. Daniel Kahneman's book on Audible Thinking Fast and Slow You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you! Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Sometimes my own life offers a topic to me; I was definitely struggling to not be dragged down by my own rumination this past weekend. So many of us are spending hours worrying about Covid, politics, the future, finances, about jobs. The list is endless. So today, in this episode, sponsored once again by BetterHelp, we’re going to talk about rumination. Is it ever helpful? Or is it something that’s dragging you down a rabbit hole of negativity? The listener email is different this week in format. I was very touched by Kat Cardy, an artist in the UK, who sent me a poem she’d written based on her identification with perfectly hidden depression. I asked her permission to use it and she said yes! It’s lovely… and my heart was very full when she sent it. I was interviewed on a podcast called Seize the Moment by two New Yorkers,, Alen Ulmann and Leon Garber.  What I didn’t know was that they’d both not only read the book, but identified themselves on the spectrum of PHD; in fact, Leon revealed that he himself had at one time been suicidal, and had told a psychiatrist there was something wrong. The doctor looked at him (he’s a very verbal, friendly guy) and said, “What? No way… you’re not depressed.” We’ve got to stop this from happening..  So they brought their own experience with it to the interview and I learned so much from them. You will see the link to the YouTube interview in the show notes. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! Quotes from Dr. Michael Greenberg, a psychologist who specializes in OCD An article by Medical News Today, listing potential triggers for rumination Dr. Guy Winch talks about ruminating in this PsychToday article: Psych Today article by Kathryn Gordon listing eight ways to eliminate negative painful rumination. Kat Cardy's poem: Unlocking. Unlocking doesn’t happen all at once. First there’s just emptiness. A lack. A missing. A guarding. A hardening. The reason unknown, but it’s presence noted; Pain caused, joy blocked, love evaded, disconnect... Hurt encapsulated in silt till a heavy rock replaces the alive and vibrant. Continuing unexamined, or else denied outright, And The Lock, Stays. Shut. But should attention settle here, intention stop to lend some care, Either lock, or key, or both is found, A mystery perhaps, but with meaning profound. Then one day it clicks... you may not even realise it, But inch by inch that great key turns, That, frozen for years, begins to stir. A fraction here; I see you, dear. A sliver there; I know you’re near. That solid rock which spirit hid, Oh so slowly turns clear instead. Inching forth, I feel your hurt. And turning more, I know your worth. Glowing embers re-kindle again, The breath of attention nursing flame Til one day, The lock falls away. That light of a soul kept hidden so long Shines forth like a beacon; I’m here, I belong That great treasure guarded all these years, Finally displayed for all to see, A fragile thing, alive and singing, a bird, uncaged, released and free. Unlocking doesn’t happen all at once. But it can happen, if you are patient, kind, and strong. The Seize The Moment podcast interview You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you! Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

YGTG is five minutes of jam-packed info about one concept or idea or behavior - and today it's about emotional bandwidth. People are using the term emotional bandwidth to reveal that they can't tolerate certain emotions or discussions. It's a short cut way of saying, "I can't be there for you right now." But when does it become an almost too impersonal or detached way of absolving yourself from a commitment? It may make something seem almost like a technical glitch rather than a personal choice to withdraw from a commitment that would take emotional maturity and growth. Or rather than the more vulnerable, “I don’t think I can learn how to be the person I thought I could be.” You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you! Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Challenging your assumptions can lead to remarkable change – and can break emotional paralysis. On SelfWork today, sponsored by BetterHelp, we're going to talk about doing the dishes. Yes you heard me – dishes. One of my FB closed group members very aptly posted the story you're about to hear as a way of coping with the stress of the pandemic – to look at your own life through a different lens and see how you could manage your struggles differently – by challenging your own rules/assumptions. When you do, it can bring huge relief, and a tremendous jumpstart to your hope for change – and change that lasts. It's called "second-order change" in psychology and it can be very powerful.  Our listener email today is from a woman who’s writing about being dominated both at home and at work – I’ll let you listen to her email and see what you think. I was struck by a couple of things – and hope to offer ideas that will be helpful. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! Episode 191: Stinkin Thinkin Second order change Quote and Explanation Original link to Kate Scott’s piece on Quora Book entitled Boundaries You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!      Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Whether or not you believe that dreams have meaning (and almost half of Americans think that’s true…), you probably have had many types of dreams. Today, in another episode sponsored by BetterHelp, we're going to talk about the diverse categories of dreams  – and then the proposed “meaning” of those very dreams. We'll look into what can bring nightmares on as well as the most recent research on what's termed "lucid dreaming." Early psychiatrists certainly believed and espoused that dreams had unconscious meanings – that they are created by the part of our mind that lives in the background of our consciousness but influences and guides us. So today we’ll talk about nine categories of dreams and then travel into the land of what dreams may mean.. maybe for fun or maybe, for those of you who have a strong relationship with your dreams, to employ them for healing. Our listener email today is from a young woman who’s suffered multiple traumas in her life… sexual abuse and her mother’s dying right in front of her.. Terrible things. And she wonders how to heal.. and if she can have hope.. Importants Links: We have a lot of them today! BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! A Psychology Today article on dreaming Book by Preston Ni.. and referenced article  Quote from Dr. Kelly Bulkeley Information about the cause of nightmares on WebMD YouTube video on dreaming What dreams may mean  article in VeryWell Mind Very recent research at MIT on lucid dreaming C-PTSD information on VeryWell Mind You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!        Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

A  few weeks ago, a patient looked at me and said, “I realized that what I needed  - I’d had all along. It’s like the ruby red slippers. You simply have to know their power and your own power.” I haven’t been able to get that notion out of my head since that session. We all have the capacity to learn, to understand, to see and to have confidence in ourselves - but we can sabotage and discount our strengths, values, talents, and gut feelings. In this episode, I decided to trust my own red slippers in this episode, sponsored by BetterHelp, and allow my own mind and heart to create a list of ten things that can build self-confidence - and with humility I bring it to you. This is Movember – the month where men’s issues, specifically in the way so many disregard their medical and mental health, are highlighted by men growing mustaches – in a light-hearted but very sincere attempt to throw light on men. Thus the listener email is from a man who writes that he’s begun having symptoms of anxiety and panic at a time when he and his wife are having troubles and she wants a separation. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you! Photo by Lisa Fotios from Pexels.    Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Trigger Alert: This episode discusses childhood sexual abuse, so please listen with care. Movember is a movement whose focus is to raise concern and awareness about the state of men's health, both medical and mental, in the United States. I myself have seen firsthand how extremely difficult it is for many men to seek help or open up at all about what’s going on with them. So I thought about who I could approach to help achieve Movember’s mission, and one person immediately came to mind. That person was Lewis Howes, and he graciously agreed to be interviewed. Lewis overcame tremendous obstacles, including a learning disability, bullying and sexual abuse on his way to becoming a media sensation and a New York Times bestselling author. His podcast, The School of Greatness, is rated in the top 100 of all podcasts, garnering 250 million downloads in seven short years. His books, the first also entitled The School of Greatness, and his second, The Masks of Masculinity, have reached millions of readers as well. All while he followed his own path to working through the very experiences that had led him to be angry and feel victimized at every turn for years. He's here on SelfWork to talk about those experiences, and the necessary but frightening choices he made to open up about what had happened, allow others to truly see him, and to achieve a much deeper way of living. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! The School of Greatness Podcast Dr, Margaret's Interview on The School of Greatness The School of Greatness (book) The Masks of Masculinity You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!            Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I’ve been surprised over the years about the things people believe about alcohol use that’s very old-school. For example, that for the use of alcohol to be a problem, you’ve got to be lying in a ditch somewhere, having lost your job and friends. Or if you can go a long time without drinking, then you don’t have an issue. Statistics show that one out of every eight people in the US fit criteria for alcohol use disorder, as it’s called now. It can cause all kinds of pain for both the drinker and those that love them. Especially curiously for those who are high-functioning drinkers – people whose lives look quite intact socially and/or professionally, who can be quite successful and engaged in their own right. Yet they drink. A lot. Whether it’s a part of family gatherings, the music you listen to, gameday celebrations – if you drink to celebrate and drink to grieve – it can be detrimental to just about everything about you. And what remains astounding is how easy it is to stay in denial about it. So that's the topic for today on SelfWork, with this episode again sponsored by BetterHelp. The listener emails was from someone who was letting me know that my writing had been disappointing to her. And so I listened and responded. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! Top Ten Country Drinking Songs Discussion of criteria for Alcohol Use Disorder What's happening with alcohol use with the pandemic One Year No Beer Sobriety Article Episode 058 on Codependency Codependent No More Facing Codependence Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357 for information on support and treatment facilities in your area. You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!    Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I originally wrote this in July of 2016 in the wake of natural disasters, shootings, and tragedies overseas. I’m offering it again to you today with a few nods to what we are going through together as the world faces this pandemic. I wish you all well. I sat down to write early this morning, and could only think of the many tragedies, caused by humans and by nature, that have been occurring for the last few weeks and months. I felt paralyzed. Broadcasters keep using the term "unprecedented" and they are right. Especially here in the United States, there are few areas where there is not division and unrest.  How could what I have to say matter? Then I remembered a stranger's kindness, and I smiled. We can always choose kindness.  You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you! We can always choose kindness.Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands