Sex and Psychology Podcast

There is a common tendency to think about sex as simply a person-to-person interaction. However, this view overlooks the fact that sexual identity, attraction, and behavior are all influenced by broader social and cultural systems—and these systems can have a profound impact on the way sexuality is expressed by creating power imbalances, stigma, and shame. As a result, when we talk about sex, we can’t just talk about it as if it exists in a vacuum. We need to acknowledge the systems that shape it and talk about the ways in which justice is and isn’t being served. I’ve been itching to explore this topic on the podcast and I couldn’t think of a better guest than sex therapist Shadeen Francis, a licensed psychotherapist, media personality, and author whose work spans the domains of sex therapy, emotional intelligence, and social justice. Shadeen is committed to helping people live lives full of peace and pleasure, and her work has been featured extensively in the media. We cover a lot of ground in this episode, including: What does “social justice” mean in the context of sex therapy? Why is it important for us to talk about social justice when we talk about sex? How is our approach to training sex therapists failing us when it comes to pursuing social justice, and what can we do about this? What does the term “normal” really mean when it comes to sex, and why is it important for us to redefine it? What is “race play” and why are some people turned on by the idea of eroticizing power differentials in the first place? What happens when people’s personal or moral values are in conflict with their sexual turn-ons? How do we reduce shame and guilt over our sexual fantasies? How do our political backgrounds and leanings shape our sexual fantasies and the way we feel about them? How can putting social justice front and center in sex therapy help us all to lead more pleasurable and fulfilling sex lives? To learn more about Shadeen’s work, check out her website here. *** Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click here for previous articles or follow the blog on Facebook, Twitter, or Reddit to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTube and Instagram. Listen and stream all episodes on Apple, Spotify, Google, or Amazon. Subscribe to automatically receive new episodes and please rate and review the podcast!

Cuckolding is a sexual practice in which someone is aroused by the idea of watching or listening while their partner has sex with another person—and it’s a surprisingly popular sexual interest. In the survey of 4,175 Americans’ sexual fantasies I conducted for my book Tell Me What You Want, I found that 52% of heterosexual men and 66% of gay and bisexual men had fantasized about this before. In addition, 26% of heterosexual women and 42% of lesbian and bisexual women reported having had this fantasy at least once. So why is cuckolding so popular? In this episode of the podcast, I spoke with sex therapist Dr. David Ley, who has literally written THE book on cuckolding, titled Insatiable Wives. He and I have also collaborated on a scientific study about cuckolding (co-authored with sex advice columnist Dan Savage), which was recently published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior. Dr. Ley is a clinical psychologist based in Albuquerque, New Mexico, where he directs a large behavioral health and substance abuse outpatient program. He is also one of the media’s go-to experts on all things sex. We cover a lot of ground in this episode, including: What does a typical cuckolding scenario look like? What’s the difference between cuckolding and “hotwifing?” Why are so many people drawn to cuckolding in the first place? Why do some find this idea incredibly erotic, whereas others find it to be threatening? Why is there a political link to cuckolding—specifically, why do conservative men seem to fantasize about the idea more than their liberal counterparts? What has research revealed about cuckolding in same-sex relationships? Why is research on cuckolding so controversial? What’s the future of cuckolding, especially as norms surrounding relationships and marriage continue to evolve? To learn more about Dr. Ley’s work and writings, check out his website here. *** Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click here for previous articles or follow the blog on Facebook, Twitter, or Reddit to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTube and Instagram. Listen and stream all episodes on Apple, Spotify, Google, or Amazon. Subscribe to automatically receive new episodes and please rate and review the podcast!

In the United States, the marriage rate is near a record low, and 40-50% of marriages end in divorce. Research has also found that rates of marital satisfaction have declined over time. In short, fewer people are getting married, those who do aren’t as happy as married couples in the past, and a heck of a lot of these relationships just won’t work out. So why is that? Why are relationships so hard? In this episode of the podcast, I spoke with Roger Nygard about his recent documentary and book The Truth About Marriage, which examines how we can all make our relationships happier. Nygard is an accomplished filmmaker who has directed TV series such as “The Office” and “The Bernie Mac Show,” and he has edited Emmy-nominated episodes of “Who is America?” “VEEP,” and “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” For his documentary, he interviewed a number of sex and relationship researchers and therapists to get the answers, including previous podcast guests Drs. John and Julie Gottman. We cover a lot of ground in this episode, including: Why are relationships and marriages so difficult? Why do so many of us have trouble finding lasting long-term happiness? How can we improve our relationships, according to the experts? What is the role of sex in relationships? How important is it, really? How often should couples have sex? What is the role of humor in attraction and relationships? In addition, we talk about the work Roger does on some of my favorite television shows! To learn more about Roger Nygard and his documentary, check out his website here. *** Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click here for previous articles or follow the blog on Facebook, Twitter, or Reddit to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTube and Instagram. Listen and stream all episodes on Apple, Spotify, Google, or Amazon. Subscribe to automatically receive new episodes and please rate and review the podcast!

People have a tendency to assume that those who are kinky and/or polyamorous must have sexual communication all figured out. However, just like anyone else, they face their own set of sexual and relationship problems—problems that sometimes require professional help. In this episode of the podcast, I spoke with Shamyra Howard, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker based in Baton Rouge, Louisiana and author of the book Use Your Mouth: Pocket-sized Conversations to Simply Increase 7 Types of Intimacy in and out of the Bedroom. Shamyra specializes in treating clients who have sexual and relationship identities that fall outside of the mainstream, including LGBTQ+ persons, those who are into kinky or BDSM sex, and those who identify as polyamorous. This is one of my favorite episodes I’ve recorded so far, and we cover a lot of ground, including: What are the main issues that prompt people with kinky/BDSM interests to seek sex therapy? How do you negotiate boundaries and consent in the BDSM scene? What is “race play” and how do people cope with anxieties around eroticizing racial dynamics? How do people who enjoy dominant-submissive dynamics in their sexual encounters create balance in their day-to-day relationships if they only desire those dynamics in a sexual context? What are the main issues the prompt people in open, polyamorous, or swinging relationship to seek sex therapy? How do you manage jealousy in a consensually non-monogamous relationship? Why is it important for people who are polyamorous to find time for themselves? What kind of training do sex therapists get when it comes to kink/BDSM and consensual non-monogamy? How does one find a therapist or professional who is kink- and/or polyamory-affirming? To learn more about Shamyra Howard, check out her website (On the Green Couch) here or follow her on Instagram or Facebook @SexologistShamyra. *** Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click here for previous articles or follow the blog on Facebook, Twitter, or Reddit to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTube and Instagram. Listen and stream all episodes on Apple, Spotify, Google, or Amazon. Subscribe to automatically receive new episodes and please rate and review the podcast! Credits: LEGIT Audio (Podcast editing) and Shutterstock/Florian (Music). Image created with Canva; photos and book covers used with guest permission.

One of the most common relationship problems that drives couples to therapy is a sexual desire discrepancy, where one partner wants more sex than the other. In fact, about 1 in 4 people report having experienced this in the past year alone. This can be a longstanding pattern or issue in a relationship, but it can also emerge when one partner loses desire over time. So how do you deal with this situation effectively? In this episode of the podcast, I spoke with Dr. Lyndsey Harper, an Ob/Gyn at the Texas A&M College of Medicine and founder of the new mobile app Rosy. Dr. Harper developed Rosy as a tool to help women who are dealing with low sexual desire and desire discrepancies. Low sexual desire is the single most common sexual difficulty reported by women, with about 1 in 3 women reporting it in the last year. Low sexual desire is less common among men, but still prevalent: specifically, it’s reported by about 1 in 7 men in the past year. We cover a lot of ground in this episode, including: What are the factors that influence sexual desire, and how are they similar or different for men and women? Why are desire discrepancies so common in long-term relationships? What is the role of medication in treating low sexual desire? Can pharmaceuticals help to fix a loss of desire? How can technology (including mobile apps like Rosy and telehealth services) help people deal with desire problems? We also talk about some of the most common myths and misconceptions people believe about sex and sexual desire. To learn more about Dr. Harper, see here. To learn more about Rosy or to download the app, see here. *** Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click here for previous articles or follow the blog on Facebook, Twitter, or Reddit to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTube and Instagram. Listen and stream all episodes on Apple, Spotify, Google, or Amazon. Subscribe to automatically receive new episodes and please rate and review the podcast! Credits: LEGIT Audio (Podcast editing) and Shutterstock/Florian (Music). Image created with Canva; photos and book covers used with guest permission.

What are the most common sexual fantasies in America? Where do our fantasies come from, and what do they say about us? And how can we communicate more effectively with our partners about our fantasies? In order to answer these questions, I conducted the largest and most comprehensive study of sexual fantasies ever in the United States. I surveyed more than 4,000 Americans from all 50 states ranging in age from 18-87 and wrote a book about the nature of sexual fantasies in the U.S. today, titled Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life. In this episode of the podcast, I describe some of the key things I learned from this research, while also telling you the story behind the book (it was a long process!). I also share how writing this book completely changed my life. I’m excited to announce that the paperback edition of Tell Me What You Want comes out this month and is available for purchase through Amazon and your favorite booksellers. I’m offering some bonus materials to those who order the paperback edition, including an extra chapter that delves into the psychology behind some of the less common sexual fantasies, as well as some fun infographics. Learn more and claim your bonus here. Tell Me What You Want is also available as an e-book and an audiobook (narrated by yours truly—and I talk about what the experience of narrating an audiobook was like in this week’s podcast). I’m also pleased to say that there is now an interactive exhibit based on this book showing at the Erotic Heritage Museum in Las Vegas, so if you ever happen to find yourself out that way in the future, but sure to check it out!. For a behind-the-scenes look at the exhibit, check out my Instagram page. *** Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click here for previous articles or follow the blog on Facebook, Twitter, or Reddit to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTube and Instagram.  Listen and stream all episodes on Apple, Spotify, Google, or Amazon. Subscribe to automatically receive new episodes and please rate and review the podcast! Credits: LEGIT Audio (Podcast editing) and Shutterstock/Florian (Music). Image created with Canva; photos and book covers used with guest permission.

Lockdowns and “social distancing” guidelines are changing our intimate lives in major ways. For example, one of the things we’re seeing in our own research is that people are increasingly turning to sextech, such as by engaging in more sexting and cybersex. In fact, many adults are reporting trying these things for the very first time. In order to explore the various ways that people are leveraging sextech right now, I spoke to two experts in this area: Dr. Erin Watson and Tasha Falconer. In this episode of the podcast, we tackle a wide range of topics, including: How are people’s sex lives different in this era of social distancing, and how is sextech helping us to cope? If you’re new to sexting, what do you need to know to feel more comfortable and confident? How can sexting and sextech help us to learn more about ourselves? A lot of people are worried that the more sextech we incorporate in our lives, the more disconnected we’ll become from each other—but is that necessarily the case? How can sextech help to connect us at an even deeper level? More people are sending nudes right now, so we also talk about the psychology of dick pics: Why do so many men send them unsolicited? How is this behavior different for gay vs. straight men? And what do guys need to know if they’re thinking about sending photos of their genitals to others to ensure it’s done in a consensual and ethical way? How can we build better sex and dating apps? *** Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click here for previous articles or follow the blog on Facebook, Twitter, or Reddit to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTube and Instagram. Listen and stream all episodes on Apple, Spotify, Google, or Amazon. Subscribe to automatically receive new episodes and please rate and review the podcast! Credits: LEGIT Audio (Podcast editing) and Shutterstock/Florian (Music). Image created with Canva; photos and book covers used with guest permission.

These are unprecedented times. Much of the world is currently living under lockdown conditions and practicing social distancing in order to curb the spread of the COVID-19 coronavirus. So how is this affecting people’s intimate lives? How are our sex lives and relationships holding up, and is there anything we can do to more effectively navigate this complex and challenging situation? For the answers to these questions, I spoke to Dr. Lori Brotto, a Professor at the University of British Columbia, a practicing psychologist, and author of the book Better Sex Through Mindfulness. I asked Dr. Brotto what she has been seeing in her clinical practice since the pandemic began and how it’s different from usual. According to Brotto, some of her clients are reporting more avoidance-related reasons for sex at the moment, meaning they’re more likely to report having sex in order to avoid a negative outcome rather than doing it because it’s what they truly want. Listen to the podcast to find out why that is. We also address the following questions: What are some effective coping strategies for relieving stress and anxiety in order to pave the way for a more active and fulfilling intimate life during this challenging time? How do you successfully navigate singlehood in the era of social distancing? Some people under lockdown are in abusive or unhealthy relationships. How can they stay safe and find the help they need? What are the potential silver linings of this situation? How can we utilize this time to explore our sexuality and develop a new intimacy with our partners? Enjoy, and be sure to check out Dr. Brotto’s latest book Better Sex Through Mindfulness! *** Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click here for previous articles or follow the blog on Facebook, Twitter, or Reddit to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTube and Instagram. Listen and stream all episodes on Apple, Spotify, Google, or Amazon. Subscribe to automatically receive new episodes and please rate and review the podcast! Credits: LEGIT Audio (Podcast editing) and Shutterstock/Florian (Music). Image created with Canva; photos and book covers used with guest permission.

In this episode of the podcast, I interview Dr. Nan Wise, a cognitive neuroscientist, certified sex therapist, and Associate Research Professor at Rutgers University. Dr. Wise just published a fantastic new book titled “Why Good Sex Matters: Understanding the Neuroscience of Pleasure for a Smarter, Happier, and More Purpose-Filled Life.” We cover a wide range of questions and topics, including: What exactly is “pleasure?” Why are we experiencing less pleasure today than we used to? How can we get more pleasure in our sex lives? Is the answer different for men and women? Dr. Wise has conducted neuroscience research on women’s orgasms. How does one go about studying this in the lab? Is it challenging to find participants who are willing to masturbate to orgasm in an fMRI machine? (The answer might surprise you!) What are the key things Dr. Wise has learned from the women in her research who were willing to “donate their orgasms to science?” Enjoy, and be sure to check out Dr. Wise’s new book Why Good Sex Matters! *** Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click here for previous articles or follow the blog on Facebook, Twitter, or Reddit to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTube and Instagram. Listen and stream all episodes on Apple, Spotify, Google, or Amazon. Subscribe to automatically receive new episodes and please rate and review the podcast! Credits: LEGIT Audio (Podcast editing) and Shutterstock/Florian (Music). Image created with Canva; photos and book covers used with guest permission.

Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a term that most people are familiar with. But when we hear about someone having ADHD, we tend to think about children and adolescents and how this disorder affects them at home or in school because most people who are diagnosed happen to be kids and there’s a widespread belief that people eventually “outgrow” ADHD. The reality, however, is that most kids with ADHD become adults with ADHD. Also, there are a heck of a lot of adults out there with undiagnosed ADHD. So what are the implications of ADHD in adult life, especially in people’s personal lives? Does it impact the way they approach sex and relationships? For this episode of the Sex and Psychology Podcast, I interviewed Dr. Ari Tuckman in order to learn more about how ADHD affects people’s intimate lives. Tuckman is a certified sex therapist and psychologist who specializes in the diagnosis and treatment of ADHD and he just published his fourth book on the subject, which explores the various ways that ADHD affects people’s sexual and romantic lives. It’s called ADHD After Dark. In this episode of the podcast, we address a wide range of questions, including: How does ADHD affect one’s sex life? How does it impact a romantic relationship when one partner has ADHD and the other does not? Are there gender differences in the way ADHD affects people’s relationships? What about sexual orientation differences? What can couples do to combat the challenges that ADHD poses? How can persons with ADHD and their partners cultivate happier and healthier relationships? What is the link between ADHD and infidelity? Are persons with ADHD well suited for polyamory and other forms of consensual non-monogamy? Enjoy, and be sure to check out Tuckman’s book, ADHD After Dark. *** Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click here for previous articles or follow the blog on Facebook, Twitter, or Reddit to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTube and Instagram. Listen and stream all episodes on Apple, Spotify, Google, or Amazon. Subscribe to automatically receive new episodes and please rate and review the podcast! Credits: LEGIT Audio (Podcast editing) and Shutterstock/Florian (Music). Image created with Canva; photos and book covers used with guest permission.