How Not To Suck At Divorce 189. When Your Divorcing Spouse Is Still Trying to Control You ( It’s Hurting Your Case)
If your ex is still controlling you and you keep reacting, explaining, or trying to keep the peace… you might be actively hurting your legal case without even realizing it.
Because here’s the thing: divorce doesn’t cure controlling behavior—it often exposes it. And control doesn’t always look loud. Sometimes it looks “polite.” Sometimes it looks like silence. Sometimes it looks like a thousand tiny moments that make your stomach drop.
In this episode of How Not to Suck at Divorce, attorney Morgan Stogsdill and comedian Andrea Rappaport break down what control looks like after separation, why it escalates, and the legal + emotional action steps to shut it down.
And yes—there’s also a story involving a tambourine, a fire-lit “happiness class,” and a man casually threatening everyone with a tombstone. (Welcome to the show.)
What You’ll Learn in This Episode
✅ How control shows up during divorce (even when it’s not obvious)
Morgan explains that control can look like:
- Financial control: “I’ll pay when I feel like it,” monitoring spending, moving goalposts
- Micromanaging parenting and second-guessing everything you do
- Weaponized silence / delayed responses to make you spiral
- Making you feel like you need permission for decisions you don’t need permission for
- “Polite” manipulation disguised as “concern for the kids”
Why control often escalates after separation
Andrea explains the psychology: when someone loses access and power, they often pull harder—because control is how they regulate their discomfort.
The dangerous legal issue most people miss: “splitting”
Morgan explains how controlling behavior can drive a wedge between you and your attorney—making you doubt your lawyer, hold back details, or get pulled into the ex’s narrative.
That’s not just stressful. It can derail your strategy and cost you serious money.
The communication trap that keeps you stuck
If your nervous system is hijacked every time they text you, you’ll default to the old pattern:
- Reacting
- Over-explaining
- Trying to smooth things over
- Trying to get them to “understand”
Which gives them exactly what they want: access.
The Tools That Help You Stop the Control
1) Tighten the structure (legally + logistically)
Morgan explains why vague agreements don’t work with controlling people.
Example of vague: “reasonable communication.”
Problem: “reasonable” becomes a playground for manipulation.
2) Reduce access
Because (say it with us): control fades when access fades.
That may mean:
- limiting communication
- using a parenting app
- not responding to bait
- pushing communication through proper channels
3) Stop JADE-ing
Andrea shares the acronym JADE:
- Justifying
- Arguing
- Defending
- Explaining
More words = more oxygen = more control.
4) Use BIF responses
Morgan shares BIF (from Bill Eddy):
- Brief
- Informative
- Firm
- Friendly
The goal is to respond in a way that doesn’t invite more conflict—and doesn’t make you look unhinged if things end up in court.
5) Use OurFamilyWizard (especially for parenting conflict)
Morgan explains why a co-parenting app helps:
- reduces access
- creates records
- prevents chaos
- provides structure and timelines
Episode Takeaways (Your “Do This Now” List)
If your stomach drops when they text you, do this:
- Tell your attorney what’s happening (don’t be embarrassed—this is common)
- Ask your lawyer how to tighten the structure with clearer court orders
- Reduce access and stop responding to bait
- Use JADE + BIF for cleaner communication
- If parenting is involved, get on OurFamilyWizard and stop trying to “co-parent” when you need to parallel parent
Resources Mentioned
- OurFamilyWizard (court-respected co-parenting communication app)
- BIF communication method by Bill Eddy
- Our $20 communication guide (how to respond without feeding the chaos)
- Our free private community for support + questions
About the Podcast
How Not to Suck at Divorce is hosted by Morgan Stogsdill, head of family law at the largest family law firm in the country, and comedian/marketing expert Andrea Rappaport. We help you avoid major divorce mistakes with expert guidance—plus the humor and levity you need to survive it.
On your worst days, you’ve got this… and we’ve got you.
Our Divorce Crash Course was designed to hold your hand through the process and help you avoid major and expensive mistakes. Learn more here: https://www.hownottosuckatdivorce.com/divorce-crash-course
Our Family Wizard is another fantasitc resource for those who need help navigating the "fun" world of coparenting. Head to this landing page to see how we work closely with them to support our listeners! http://www.ourfamilywizard.com/notsuck
Friends, slide into our dms, we love love love hearing from you. We are always here to listen and help in any way we can. You've got this and we've got you.
Instagram: @hownotosuckatdivorce
Follow Andrea: @theandrearappaport
Follow Morgan: @divorceattorneychicago
Mentioned in this episode:
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