Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Raising Tweens & Teens

264: Best of Ask Lisa: Friendship Breakups & Conflict

5 snips
Mar 24, 2026
Short, sharp scenes of middle school social life: why meanness and exclusion emerge as kids jockey for belonging. Clear lines between bullying and ordinary conflict are drawn. Rumor-spreading and freezing bystanders get explained. Practical ways to help a child exit a bad friendship and to soothe the sting of being dumped are explored.
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INSIGHT

Mean Behavior As Shortcut To Social Power

  • Middle schoolers seek social power by showing willingness to be mean.
  • Lisa Damour explains kids between family and adult friendship take short routes to power through joking cruelty that pressures targets to pretend it doesn't hurt.
INSIGHT

Bullying Versus Conflict Defined Clearly

  • Bullying is when a kid is targeted and unable to defend themselves; everything else is conflict.
  • Lisa Damour stresses the distinction matters because responses differ depending on whether harm is ongoing and one-sided.
INSIGHT

Relational Aggression Drives Girl World Dynamics

  • Relational aggression uses social tools like exclusion and rumors rather than physical force.
  • Lisa Damour notes this peaks in middle school and often fades by mid-high school, though pandemic effects have delayed that timeline.
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