400: Do Nice Guys tend to attract volatile women? (ft. Jason Lange) [Replay]

Ever been in a relationship where you felt like it started off GREAT, but over time it became really hard? Ever felt like you had electric sex with someone, especially at the beginning, but then you were often put in the doghouse for doing something “wrong,” and that eventually you ended up constantly walking on eggshells to try not to trigger your partner? Then you’ll likely resonate with this episode.

If you’re someone who struggles with setting healthy boundaries, you may have noticed a certain pattern in terms of the dating and relationship partners you’ve ended up with.

In our work with men we’ve often seen a certain kind of polarity where men with Nice Guy tendencies attract women with traits of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). These women are often brilliant, funny, engaging, witty, exciting to be around … and volatile. Romantic relationships with them can be a rollercoaster with precipitous highs and lows.

Fortunately, we’ve also seen countless men overcome this pattern and grow beyond it. Here we delve into the pattern itself, reasons behind it, and what to do about it.

Memorable quotes:

• “One of the hallmark traits of Nice Guys is overextending.”
• “It’s often the volatile person’s nervous system that gets centered.”
• “If you don’t see reality their way, you’re the enemy.”
• “There’s a fear that if I end this, I’m going to be alone.”
• “At an early age, the Nice Guy had to regulate one of his parents, or the family system itself.”
• “Maybe me speaking up isn’t aggressive.”

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Mentioned on this episode:

• Dear Men episode 239: Just realized I’m a nice guy. Now what?
• Dear Men episode 128: Feel like you’re walking on eggshells? Recognizing Borderline Personality Disorder