Episode 493: Straight Men Who Have Sex With Other Men

Apr 17, 2026

Kathy Kay, host of the Strictly Anonymous Podcast and author of Strictly Anonymous Confessions, shares anonymous stories about men who identify as straight yet seek sex with men. The conversation covers prevalence, secret encounters, erotic versus orientation, midlife exploration, swinging dynamics, stigma differences between male and female same-sex play, and sexual flexibility and curiosity.

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INSIGHT

Sexuality Often Doesn't Fit Neat Labels

Sexual orientation labels often don't match behavior or fantasies.
Justin Lehmiller frames sexuality as not fitting neat boxes, setting up the episode's theme about straight men having same-sex encounters.

ANECDOTE

Many Straight Men Confess Same Sex Fantasies

Kathy Kay receives many confessions from men who identify as straight but want same-sex encounters.
She credits Dr. Joe Kort's sexual vs erotic orientation distinction for helping these men describe wanting sex with men without identifying as gay or bi.

ANECDOTE

Secret DL Encounters Often Involve Giving Pleasure

Many straight-identifying men report same-sex activity happening on the down-low, often during partners' trips.
Kathy notes they frequently prefer giving (e.g., performing oral sex) and keep it secret due to stigma.

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We tend to think about sexual orientation as a fixed identity that’s clear, stable, and easy to define. However, sexuality doesn’t fit into neat and tidy boxes like that. In this episode, we’re diving into the world of heterosexual man who want to have sex with other men, and what this tells us about the complexity of human sexuality.

I am joined once again by Kathy Kay, host of the Strictly Anonymous Podcast and author of the new book Strictly Anonymous Confessions: Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers, a collection of real, unfiltered stories from people revealing their most private sexual thoughts and experiences.

Some of the specific topics we explore include:

How common is it for heterosexual guys to have same-sex fantasies?
Are these fantasies and desires purely physical, or is there an emotional component as well?
Are these men just secretly gay?
Why is male same-sex behavior more stigmatized than female same-sex behavior?
Are women sometimes turned on by watching their husbands or boyfriends with other men?

To learn more, check out the Strictly Anonymous website.

Got a sex question? Send me a podcast voicemail to have it answered on a future episode at speakpipe.com/sexandpsychology.

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Credits: Precision Podcasting (Podcast editing) and Shutterstock/Florian (Music). Image created with Canva; photos used with permission of guest.