Raising Boys & Girls Episode 372: When to Push and When to Pull Back in the Middle School Years with Dr. Lisa Damour
May 5, 2026
Dr. Lisa Damour, clinical psychologist and bestselling author who studies adolescent development, walks through the tricky middle school years. She discusses how resilience grows from tolerating discomfort. She explains why avoidance undermines capability. She offers ways to encourage action without rescuing and how to stay connected while giving space.
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Validate Fear Then Encourage The Try
- When a child is scared (like hesitating on an escalator), validate the fear and give a brief confidence-building prompt instead of removing the challenge.
- Damour's airport example: father said "it's okay to be scared, but you can totally do it," then held her hand and she rode.
Middle School Is A Moving Target For Capability
- Middle schoolers face rapid physical and cognitive change plus peer sorting, which injects self-doubt about capability.
- Damour notes shifting abilities and parallel changes in classmates make it hard for youths to know what they can do.
Nip Avoidance Early
- Watch for avoidance as the primary red flag that capability is eroding; it often precedes falling out of academic or social loops.
- Examples: frequent nurse visits, missing assignments, claiming homework is lost are common avoidance signals.
