The Squirtle Spurtle with Trixie and Katya

If you thought oatmeal recipes couldn't be sensual, you'd be dead wrong. Dim the lights, burn that bergamot arousal candle from your cousin's bachelorette party, and bring 1 cup of steel-cut oats to a slow, smoldering simmer in 4 cups of creamy, luscious whole milk. Add just a pinch of sea salt, and let the ingredients relax into a luscious, velvet-thick porridge so opulent it's no wonder this recipe won the World Porridge Making Championship. Once you achieve the ideal level of viscosity, stir in 2 tablespoons of sweet brown sugar, 2 tablespoons of hot melted butter, a dash of vanilla, and a deliciously decadent pour of heavy cream. Finish with toasted walnuts, a molten ribbon of sticky honey, and bejeweled raspberries whose tart sparkle will slice through all that thick seduction like Trixie and Katya waxing poetic about proper air conditioning. Serve it molten, fragrant, and make sure to eat it slowly, because this is not some bleak porridge from Oliver Twist, Deborah; it's a flirtatious, butter-kissed, spoon-clutching bowl of hot breakfast filth.

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