When They Won't Give You What You Need

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Hey friend, welcome back to Even Here, Even Now.

This episode is a follow-up to our last conversation about knowing your needs and what they have to do with your self-care and self-trust. And today I am getting into something I hear all the time.

I know what I need. I even asked for it. And they said no.

So what now?

This is such a tender and real place to be. And I want to walk you through it honestly, starting with who is actually responsible for what when it comes to getting your needs met in any relationship.

Here is the short version: it is your job to know what you need and to ask for it out loud. It is their job to assess their capacity and respond. And then it is your job to tolerate their response and figure out what to do next.

I know. I know that is not the answer most of us want. I did not want that to be the answer either. I spent a long time waiting for someone to just figure out what I needed and deliver it. But taking responsibility for my own needs, really owning it, has been the most freeing thing I have ever done for myself.

In this episode I get personal. I share my own experience with a really big, really vulnerable need for physical touch, what it looked like to stop being angry at other people for not meeting that need, and how I learned to get creative about meeting it myself. Including, yes, an electric blanket and a very beloved hot water bottle.

I also talk about the dual list practice I use inside Tend: how to get a need met with others, and how to get that same need met by yourself, so you are never completely adrift when someone says no.

This is the work. And I am so glad we get to do it together.

If you want to go deeper, this is exactly what we work on inside Tend, my 12-week group coaching program. Enrollment is open now through March 20th. I would love to have you. Learn more at maraglatzel.com/tend

xMara

Hot moments in this episode: 

00:00 The question I hear all the time: I need it but they won't give it to me 

02:22 Who is responsible for what when asking for your needs 

04:50 Your job is to tolerate their response and decide what to do next 

07:15 Why so many of us are waiting to be rescued from our own needs 

09:29 Why taking responsibility for yourself is actually the most freeing thing 

11:50 My big personal example: a voracious need for physical touch 

14:08 Getting creative about meeting your needs with and without others 

16:31 The dual list practice: met with others vs. met by yourself 

18:51 How warmth became my strategy (and why I am now a bath person) 

23:32 Why insight is not enough and what actually has to change

You can't stay on your own side if you don't know what your needs are in the first place. Tend is a 12-week season where you'll learn to notice and name your needs, build unshakeable trust that they're legitimate, and stay by your own side, even when everything in you wants to self-abandon. 

Spring cohort starts March 27, doors close March 20—join me at maraglatz